The True Story of Rachel Green
by Jennifer10
Summary: It's Rachel's turn now. This story aligns with the true stories of Chandler, Monica and Phoebe. It begins in 1976 and all characters make appearances Read and Review!
1. Chapter 1

September 1976

Six year old Rachel Green snuck into the kitchen and looked around. She noticed that the housekeepers were not there so she went to work. She grabbed a bowl of sugar off the table and walked towards the trash and dumped the sugar in the trash. She walked into the pantry and pulled a blue container that she knew was salt. She poured the salt into the ceramic bowl and placed the bowl on the table. She then ran back to her bedroom and proceeded to get ready for first grade. She looked at herself in the mirror and smiled. She was wearing a denim dress with red triangles on it. She wore a long sleeve red top under it and red tights and her red Mary Janes. She put her long brown hair in pigtails. She was so happy that her mother let her dress herself. She was good at that.

"Girls, breakfast!" Rachel's mother yelled from downstairs. Rachel grabbed her red backpack and walked downstairs. She was the middle child. Her sister Amy was nine and her sister Jill was three. As she took her spot at the table between Amy and Jill, she noticed her mother picking up the ceramic bowl that she had filled with salt. She watched as her mother took several spoonfuls of salt out of the bowl and put it in her coffee and stirred. Her mother than spit out her coffee and started hacking. She looked angrily at both Amy and Rachel.

"Who put salt in my coffee?" Sandra Green asked.

"Amy," Rachel spoke up. Amy's mouth dropped opened.

"No, I didn't. You're lying. Mom she's lying," Amy yelled.

"Amy go to your room," Sandra said. "This is not how we are starting the first day of school."

"But she's lying. She's always lying," Amy cried.

"Go to your room until it's time to go," Sandra said pointing towards the stairs. Amy let out a huff and stormed off towards her room.

"I'm not lying mommy," Rachel grinned.

"I know," Sandra said, giving Rachel a kiss on the head. Rachel let out a sigh. She was nervous though. She was starting a new school. She hated her kindergarten. She was always in trouble there and her parents yelled at the principal. So they pulled her out and took her to a new school. They pulled out Amy as well which Amy hated. The entire car ride to school Amy complained.

"I don't know why I had to switch schools because Rachel is a bad kid," Amy said.

"I am not," Rachel said.

"Your sister is not bad. They just didn't understand her," Sandra said.

"She cut a girl's hair off," Amy remarked.

"Because it was frizzy," Rachel said.

"And fingerpainted a boy's outfit," Amy said.

"It was a boring outfit. It needed color," Rachel said.

"They didn't understand your creativity," Sandra said.

Amy rolled her eyes and Rachel gave her a smug look. She looked at Jill sitting in her carseat next to her and began to play with her. She loved Jill far more than Amy. Jill was sweet and kind. Amy was just mean.

Once at the school, the principal walked Rachel to her new classroom. It was a big classroom with a colorful carpet in the middle. It was brightly lit and there were bins of toys everywhere. Her new teacher, Mrs. Gold approached her. She was wearing a long dress and a white turtleneck. She was bony and her hair was in a tight bun.

"Hello, I'm Mrs. Gold. I'm your first grade teacher. What's your name?"

"Rachel. That's an ugly outfit. I wouldn't wear it."

Mrs. Gold looked at the principal who let out an uncomfortable laugh.

"According to her mother, she's a bit a fashionista," the principal said.

"Oh, I see," Mrs. Gold said before leaning into Rachel, "honey, that's not a very nice thing to say. Only nice words in the classroom."

"But that is nice?" Rachel asked, confused. Mrs. Gold and the principal laughed as they exchanged a look. The principal left and Mrs. Gold motioned for Rachel to follow her. Rachel did as told and followed her towards a heavy set brunette girl playing with a doll.

"Monica," Mrs. Gold said.

"Yes, Mrs. Gold," the girl said, looking at them.

"We have a new student today...and I was wondering if you would like to play with her and make her feel welcome?" Mrs. Gold asked.

"Okay. Hi, I'm Monica," she said looking at the girl standing next to Mrs. Gold who was staring straight at Monica.

"I'm Rachel."

"Hi, Rachel. You wanna play with me?"

"Okay."

"Rachel, Monica will be a good friend to you and she'll make you feel right at home," Mrs. Gold said as she gently pushed Rachel forward. Rachel looked around the classroom. Monica was very heavy and she was wearing a tight cranberry sweater and blue bell bottoms.

"Do you like babies?" Monica asked.

"Yeah. I have a sister who's three," Rachel said, thinking the girl seemed a little strange.

"Oh. I have a brother. He's six and in the second grade. Do you only have one sister?"

"No. I have an older sister. She's nine."

"Oh."

"What's her name?" Rachel asked, pointing at the doll in Monica's arms. Rachel knelt down next to her and peered at the wrapped up bundle.

"Emma. When I have a daughter, I'm gonna name her Emma."

"That's pretty."

"What are you gonna name your children?" Monica asked.

"I'm six. I am a children," Rachel said.

"When you're a grown up."

"Oh.. I don't know but my mommy told me once that it's better to marry someone who has lots and lots of money and then you can buy children."

"You can buy children?" Monica asked.

"Yeah, on an island right by Kentucky."

"Wow. No, I don't wanna buy my children. I wanna have a billion of them."

"That's a lot," Rachel said.

"I know...and I'm gonna have a really cute husband, too. His name is Matthew."

"You've named your husband?"

"Of course. You have to plan for these things, Rachel. You can't just let it happen. My mommy said that only crazy people let things happen," Monica explained, her eyes widening, "okay, Emma's finally asleep."

Rachel watched as Monica stood up and walked towards a tiny plastic, pink crib and placed Emma in it. Monica turned and looked at Rachel, smiling at her. "Okay, come with me. I'll introduce you to all the kids and then you'll have lots of friends."

"You will?" Monica asked.

"Yeah."

"Thank you. You're nice, Monica," Rachel said. She really liked this girl. Even though she was dressed badly, Monica seemed so kind. None of the kids at her kindergarten were kind. They were mean and always got mad at her when she would fix their outfits. Monica grabbed Rachel's hand and introduced her to every single kid in the class. She felt so good and happy. She wanted Monica to be her best friend.

Lunchtime soon came and Rachel and Monica sat across from each other on the playground. Rachel's lunch was filled with all sorts of healthy things, carrot sticks, salad, even her sandwich was healthy. Monica's was quite the opposite, filled with Twinkies and cupcakes.

"Your lunch looks yummy, Monica. My mommy and daddy always say that my lunches are oran-ganic."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that if you eat a lot of carrots, your pee turns orange."

"Ewwww. That's gross."

"I know."

"Why do your mommy and daddy want you to have orange pee?"

"I don't know. What is that?" Rachel asked, pointing to the Twinkie in Monica's hand.

"It's a Twinkie."

"Can I try? I've never had one."

"You've never had a Twinkie?"

"My parents say it's bad for you," Rachel said. Her mom never let her have sweets and she wanted sweets, junk food. Monica looked at the Twinkie and handed it to Rachel. Rachel ripped it open and took a bite. It was amazing.

"Whoa," Rachel said.

"I know," Monica said.

"Fatty," another girl said as she approached them. Rachel saw three girls that she remembered Monica referring to as Nancy, Sharon and Mindy standing there. They were dressed very cutely.

"Oink, oink, piggie pig," one of the girls said.

Rachel was confused. She wasn't sure why they were being mean to Monica. She was nice.

"Rachel, you wanna play with us. You don't wanna play with Piggie because she'll eat you," Nancy said.

"Oh...um..." Rachel said.

"You can be in our secret club," Mindy said.

"Mindy," Nancy said, looking upset.

"Sorry," Mindy said.

"I'll...I'll play with you. I wanna be in a secret club," Rachel said, standing up. She quickly grabbed her lunch, glancing at Monica. "I'm sorry."

"No, her name is Piggie," Nancy said, grinned.

"Okay," Rachel said as she gave Monica a sad look as she walked off with Nancy, Sharon and Mindy leaving Monica alone. She felt sad leaving Monica sitting there alone but she wanted to be liked. She was not liked in kindergarten. They hated her and bullied her. These girls wanted her in their secret club and they dressed nicely. She would talk to Monica later. Maybe Monica would understand. She didn't want the girls being mean to her.

The next day, Rachel sat with Nancy, Sharon and Mindy. Nancy, Sharon and Mindy really seemed to like to make fun of Monica. Everytime Monica walked by, they would take shots at her or they would walk towards Monica as she was playing and let her know they hated her.

"Elephant, elephant...walks like an elephant," Sharon said as she, Rachel, Mindy and Nancy passed by Monica on the playground. Monica sat brushing the hair of one of the dolls in the classroom.

"Piggie and smells like one too," Nancy said.

Monica looked over at Rachel. Rachel looked sad for a moment. She didn't want to make fun of Monica but she didn't want them to turn on her.

"Monicow. She's Monica and she's a cow. Monicow," Rachel said. Mindy, Sharon and Nancy all stared at Rachel, grinning.

"That's good," Sharon said.

Rachel smiled as Monica's eyes filled with tears. She stared at Rachel who suddenly looked alarmed. She didn't want Monica crying. Suddenly, Nancy, Mindy and Sharon raced off, all three yelling to anyone within earshot that Monica's new name was now, "Monicow". Rachel stared at Monica.

"I'm sorry, Monica."

"Leave me alone. I hate you."

"No, don't hate me. I don't want you to hate me. We can be secret friends? That's better. Then we get to share more secrets? Will you be my secret friend?" Rachel asked. She wanted Monica to be her friend so badly. Maybe if they were friends in secret, that would be better.

"I guess," Monica said.

"Rachel, get away from Monicow," Nancy yelled from across the playground.

"I have to go," Rachel raced off towards Nancy. Soon, everyone was calling Monica "Monicow". She hated that she had started that nickname. She didn't want to start that nickname but she didn't have a choice. Mrs. Gold eventually caught on to the mean nickname and asked people who started it. She was shocked when Nancy told on Rachel.

"Rachel?" Mrs. Gold asked.

"It wasn't me, Mrs. Gold," Rachel said.

"It was too," Nancy said.

"It wasn't," Rachel said, looking over at Monica. Monica looked away. Rachel looked back to Mrs. Gold.

"It was Rachel," Monica said.

"It wasn't," Rachel said.

"Rachel, go to the office please," Mrs. Gold said.

"I didn't do anything," Rachel said, tears filling up in her eyes. She started to cry, "I didn't do anything. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to do anything. I just...I'm sorry Monica. Please. I don't wanna be in trouble."

Rachel sobbed harder, so much so that she could barely breathe. Mrs. Gold looked at Rachel and her look of anger seemed to melt into sympathy. She walked over to Rachel and knelt down in front of her.

"Honey, it's okay. It is. Remember we use nice words," Mrs. Gold said.

"I know. I will, I promise. I'll use nice words. I don't wanna be in trouble," Rachel cried.

"Okay, I will give you one more chance," Mrs. Gold said.

"Okay," Rachel said. Mrs. Gold hugged her and as the teacher walked back towards the board, Rachel looked over at Nancy and grinned. Nancy's mouth dropped as Rachel sat down on the carpet. She looked over at Monica who looked angrily at her and turned back to look at the teacher. Monica didn't understand.

During lunchtime, Mindy, Sharon and Nancy surrounded Rachel. They wanted to discuss what had happened in the classroom.

"You're a bad kid," Nancy said.

"I am not," Rachel said.

"You lied," Mindy said.

"Naw-aww, I just didn't wanna go to the principal's office," Rachel said.

"You're cool," Sharon said.

"Thank you. If you can cry, you can get away with stuff," Rachel grinned. It was her secret weapon. She let the tears flow. It got her what she wanted.

Of course, Mrs. Gold told Sandra as soon as she picked Rachel up from school. She told Sandra that Rachel had started a mean nickname. Sandra smiled at Mrs. Gold and told her that Rachel was a naive, sweet girl. She didn't mean anything by it. Rachel smiled the entire car ride home. She did need to talk to Monica though. She liked Monica. She did.

That night, Rachel overheard her parents talking in their room. They were talking about her. Sandra was telling her dad about what happened at school and her dad kept saying that they were letting Rachel get away with too much. Sandra disagreed.

"Mommy? Daddy?" Rachel said, walking into room.

"Go to your room, Rachel," Leonard Green said.

"I didn't do anything wrong," Rachel said.

"Go to your room," Leonard said.

"She's only six and she didn't do anything wrong," Sandra said.

"She got kicked out of kindergarten for being a bully and now she's doing it again," Leonard said.

"I didn't do anything," Rachel said.

"Did you call a girl, Monicow?" Leonard asked.

"No, I didn't," Rachel said.

"So your teacher is lying," Leonard said.

"I-I-I didn't do it," Rachel said.

"Your sister also said you were the one who put the salt in the sugar this morning and got her in trouble," Leonard said.

"Jill did it," Rachel said, immediately before realizing her mistake. She was scared standing there in front of her father. "I mean, Amy. Amy did it."

Leonard stared at her and Rachel sniffled when her dad immediately grabbed her and sat down on the edge of his bed. He put Rachel over his knee and proceeded to spank her. Rachel let out a cry and Sandra yelled at her husband.

"Stop, Leonard. Stop it!" Sandra said. When Leonard was done spanking Rachel, he took her to her room and sat her down, facing a wall. Rachel was crying, real tears now. She had never been spanked before. It scared her. Sandra soon appeared in Rachel's room and looked at her daughter.

"I understand, Rachel. You didn't do anything wrong," Sandra said.

"No, I didn't," Rachel said.

Sandra gathered Rachel in her arms and held her as she continued crying. She kept crying and soon she wasn't even crying about getting in trouble. She was crying because she knew what being a bully meant and she didn't want to be one. She was nice, at least she thought she was.


	2. Chapter 2

**March 1979-January 1980**

It was tough being almost nine. Truly difficult. Rachel was getting in trouble more often but this time only with her dad and while she was very popular, she still wanted to be friends with Monica but she was not allowed to be friends with Monica in public. Mindy, Sharon and Nancy would be mean to her if she did and she liked that she was so popular. She liked that everyone in the class wanted to be her friend and they only seemed to want to be her friend if she was mean but she still wanted to be nice to Monica so in order to keep her happy, she had written a contract for Monica. It was a secret friendship contract with six rules:

_1\. Do not eat lunch with Rachel at school_

_2\. Rachel can't invite Monica to her birthday parties_

_3\. Rachel will celebrate her birthday with Monica the day after her birthday party_

_4\. Rachel will always be included at Monica's birthday_

_5\. The secret friendship will never be revealed_

_6\. Make Rachel friendship bracelets every week._

Rachel had even signed this contract of sorts and wrote in tiny letters at the bottom of the contract, "I'm sorry". She was sorry. She was called a bully sometimes which always felt wrong. She just wanted to be liked and she didn't think that was so bad and she was nice to Monica privately, so that was enough. She told Monica the secrets she never told anyone. Her favorite times were when she got to hang out with Monica in Monica's pantry. They would eat boxes of Twinkies and Rachel felt so comfortable, so wonderful with Monica.

"So guess what?" Rachel asked, taking a bite of a Twinkie. It was 1979 and Monica's ninth birthday. The friendship bracelet Monica had made for Rachel hung on Rachel's wrist. Monica's eyes widened as Rachel looked at her.

"What?"

"I played a trick on Amy," Rachel said.

"Really? What did you do?" Monica asked.

"I filled her bed with nickels," Rachel said as she covered her mouth and giggled. Monica laughed too. Rachel couldn't wait until night time when Amy would find out. There was no housekeeper there, so Amy would definitely find out.

"Why?"

"'Cause it's funny. I put them in the sheets. So they were really heavy and made noise. It was funny."

"That sounds funny."

"We could play a trick on Ross?"

"No, I'd get in trouble," Monica said.

"No," Rachel said. Monica was always too scared to play tricks on her brother which she never understood.

"Yeah."

"Oh...can I tell you a secret? Promise not to tell?" Rachel asked.

"I promise," Monica said as she unwrapped another Twinkie.

"You're brother isn't ugly," Rachel said, scrunching her nose.

"Ewww, do you like my brother? 'Cause that's like really, super gross."

"No, I don't like your stupid brother. I'm just saying he's not ugly. That is all."

"Ewww, you like my brother. Maybe you'll get married and then...oh, if you got married, we'd be sisters," Monica remarked.

"Monica, we are sisters," Rachel stressed, grabbing another Twinkie and unwrapping it.

"Just secret sisters?" Monica asked.

"Secret sisters. That's so much better than real sisters. I have real sisters and they are so mean. Amy talks on the phone all day and night and-and Jill...she is such a baby that she still sleeps with a night light. When I was her age, I did not sleep with a night light," Rachel said.

"But you were still afraid of the dark," Monica said. Rachel's eyes widened as she looked at Monica. She had told Monica that once in secret.

"You don't tell people that," Rachel said.

"Not even your family?"

"No. My mommy and daddy always say that it is best to keep everything you're afraid of inside and never let anyone know."

"Your mommy and daddy say weird things," Monica said. "You told me."

"'Cause I trust you."

Monica smiled as she nodded. Rachel felt like she could talk to Monica. She could tell her things that she couldn't tell anyone.

"I-I don't like it when people call me a bully," Rachel said, quietly.

"Well, you're a mean person."

"I'm really not."

"The why do you act mean?"

Rachel shrugged as she ate another Twinkie. She wasn't sure why she acted mean. She wasn't sure why she had to act different ways. She just knew she did.

She also knew she was always getting in trouble now. She wasn't sure why. She thought she was being funny. She thought maybe if she played the tricks, people would like her more, but it didn't seem to work. She had almost missed out on going out on the yearly boat trip that April because she had painted the walls of Jill's bedroom but at the last moment, she was allowed to go.

She loved the boat trips. Her dad had a huge boat. He would invite friends and family and everyone would drink and eat while she and her sisters played. That April, he had invited family which included her favorite uncle. Rick who was her dad's brother. He was funny and would bring her movies and always seemed to be dating a different blonde.

"Rachel," Rick said as he stepped onto the boat. Rachel, who had been playing with Jill, ran towards him as he lifted her up and spun her around in the air. He still held her, carrying her as she rested her head on his shoulder. He was truly her favorite uncle.

"Uncle Rick!" Rachel yelled, happily before noticing the tall blonde woman standing next to him wearing a tight pink dress.

"Oh, sweetie….this is Nora," Rick said.

"Hi, I'm Rachel."

"Hello, darling. I need to get a drink. In honor of my son's birthday," Nora said.

"You have a son? Why didn't he come?" Rachel asked.

"He was still hungover from last night," Nora said.

"What?" Rachel asked, a little confused.

"Her son is a terror. Be glad he didn't come. He'd probably burn the ship down," Rick said.

"Oh, Rick," Nora said, patting him on the arm.

"Rachel, I got you a gift," he said as he reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a copy of "Return From Witch Mountain". Rachel's mouth dropped as she looked at the tape. She had seen the movie the previous year and loved it.

"Oh my G-d. Thank you," Rachel said.

"Where did you get that?" Nora asked.

"I stole it from your kid's collection, is that alright?" Rick asked.

"Oh...does he want it back?" Rachel asked.

"You were in the theater?" Nora asked, her face suddenly getting pale.

"Yeah, we hung out, watched movies. We had a good time," Rick said. Rachel suddenly felt very uncomfortable but she wasn't sure why. She looked at Nora who looked sad. Rick turned to look at Rachel "Rachel, sweetie, where are your sisters? Maybe you girls can watch?"

"Yeah, yeah….they're in the TV room. Amy pushed Jill in the water. It was funny," Rachel said as Rick walked off, still carrying Rachel.

"Speaking of funny, you wanna hear a joke?" Rick asked to which Rachel nodded. She laughed as Rick told her jokes. She liked how funny he was. He placed her down on the floor between six year old Jill who was wrapped in a towel and shivering and eleven year old Amy, who looked angry.

"Hi, girls. Are you okay, Jill?" Rick asked.

Jill sniffled a little, "Amy dumped me in water."

"It was an accident. I thought you were Rachel," Amy said.

"You're a stupid head," Rachel said.

"Girls, I brought a video. My friend, Nora," Rick said pointing towards Nora in the doorway. Nora looked upset, "yes, Nora's son heard I was coming on this boat and gave me a movie to give to you."

"I thought you took it from him?" Rachel asked.

"Well, borrowed without asking. He is not a well behaved kid, not like you three," Rick said.

"Amy dumped me in water," Jill whined again.

"Let's watch," Rick said as he popped the movie in the VCR and set it up and soon the three girls were watching together.

"Rick, can I talk to you privately for a moment?" Nora asked.

"I wanna watch with my girls," Rick said.

"I really need to speak with you," Nora said. Rick let out a sigh and walked out. Amy shuddered.

"Ugh, Uncle Rick is so creepy," Amy said.

"He is not. He's so nice," Rachel said,.

"Yes he is creepy, he probably touches little boys," Amy said.

"On purpose?" Jill asked.

"I'm gonna throw you in the water again," Amy said.

"That's such a lie. He doesn't do that. He's a nice uncle," Rachel said.

"Whatever, you two are so dumb," Amy said, rolling her eyes. Rachel looked at Amy curiously. Was Amy being serious? She had to find out. She got up and walked out of the TV room and slowly walked up the stairs and snuck past one of the cabins. She heard Nora and Rick fighting.

"What did you do? What did you do?" Nora asked.

"I didn't do anything," Rick said.

"He wasn't feeling well this morning… something happened...what happened last night? If you did something-"

"I didn't do anything. He's a terror. Your kid is a monster."

"He is not a monster. That's too far, he's my child."

"Okay, fine...I'm sorry but it's not like he'll even notice the movie is gone. He has a million movies. Buy him a new copy. He won't know the difference. He's not very bright either."

"Stop, Rick. Just stop. Please tell me….what did you do to him?" Nora asked.

"Nothing. Nothing that he didn't deserve."

Rachel stepped back from from the room. She wasn't quite sure she understood what was going on but it freaked her out a little. She walked back towards the TV room and sat back in between Jill and Amy. She felt sick and she wasn't sure what it was that was making her feel so sick.

Her ninth birthday was in May and was a tea party with all the girls in her fourth grade class except Monica as was written in the secret contract. She sat with Sharon, Mindy and Nancy and wore a fake plastic tiara and wore a puffy pink dress.

"Why do you always wear those?" Mindy asked, pointing to the friendship bracelet hanging from her arm. She smiled at it.

"It's a birthday gift," Rachel said.

"Oh, from Monicow," Nancy said.

"Yeah...but it's nice that she makes them," Rachel said.

"Why are you even friends with her? She's so weird," Nancy said.

"And I heard she and her brother are actually dating," Sharon said.

"Ewww, they're not dating," Rachel said. "And I'm only secret friends with Monica….you know, 'cause like she does stuff and she'll keep your secrets. Don't worry."

"Yeah, but we're your real friends, right?" Sharon asked.

"Yes, you girls are my best friends," Rachel said, although whenever she said that, she felt like it was a lie. She looked around at the party and felt a little sad Monica wasn't there but she just couldn't have her there. She was not welcome and if she did, who knew what those girls would do.

But as third grade came to an end and fourth grade began, she was secretly not liking the rules. She hated the secret friendship contract and spent as much time as she could with Monica. Monica would complain about her brother, how she accidentally broke her brother's nose during Thanksgiving or how Ross had burnt Monica's Easy Bake to the ground and Monica got in trouble. She felt bad for Monica.

Another one of Rachel's other favorite family traditions was her family's yearly New Years Day parties. It was all her family and friends. Rachel invited Monica to these parties and never invited Sharon or Nancy or Mindy. She felt it was the time in which she and Monica could be public friends. Yes, there would be rules but it was more flexible. Rachel noticed Monica and Ross as soon as they walked into the playroom of the Green house, she ran towards Monica and hugged her.

"Monica," Rachel said.

"Hey, Rachel, how are you?" Ross asked.

"I'm fine," Rachel said, ignoring him.

"That's a pretty dress you're wearing...it...it makes you look pretty," Ross said. Monica and Rachel both stared at him, confused.

"You're a weirdo. Will is over there playing with dolls," Rachel said pointing to a boy in the corner playing.

"Dinosaurs, not dolls," Will yelled.

Rachel rolled her eyes as Ross walked towards Will and began to play. Rachel smiled at Monica. She grabbed Monica's arm and pulled her over towards a toy box and pulled out two Barbies, handing one to Monica.

"We have to get them ready for prom. My doll is Lindsey, she's a Rock Star and she's the Homecoming queen. You're Donna. Donna is going on a diet so that she can go to prom and she's Lindsey's best friend and Lindsey will help her diet," Rachel explained.

"Okay," Monica said.

Rachel began narrating the game, telling Monica what she was supposed to do. She kept playing with Monica until Jill quietly approached her.

"Rachel, Amy said I look like a troll," Jill said.

"I will be right back," Rachel said, rolling her eyes as she grabbed Jill's hand. She stomped off to find Amy. Amy had turned twelve in November and Rachel was convinced that her sister turning twelve made her even worse. Amy was resting on the couch, glancing through a Tiger Beat.

"Jill is not a troll," Rachel said.

"If it looks like a troll and walks like a troll….and smells like a troll….actually, you might be right, you're a troll," Amy said.

"You take that back," Rachel said.

"Whatever, hey...do you think he's cute?" Amy asked, pointing to a picture of Scott Baio.

"I guess," Rachel said.

"By the way, your little stalker is talking to that boy," Amy said. She pointed behind Rachel. Rachel turned and saw Monica talking to a little boy with brown bowl cut. She wasn't sure how much she liked that. She had never seen the boy before and he looked strange.

"Monica," Rachel screamed. Monica looked towards Rachel.

"What, Rachel?" Monica asked.

"Come here and clean my doll house or I'm gonna tell Mindy that she's gonna be my first best friend and you're going to be my second best friend," Rachel yelled.

"Yeah, you show her who's boss," Amy muttered.

Monica quickly ran to Rachel's side to begin cleaning the doll house. Rachel was feeling mad. She was mad at Amy. She was mad at Monica. She was just mad and Monica kept looking back at that boy who looked so strange and when he suddenly raced out of the room, he just seemed stranger.

"I'm gonna go find that boy," Monica said.

"What boy?" Rachel asked.

"The one that was sitting on the couch. He seems sad."

"Monica, it's in the rules. You have to do what I say and you need to clean the doll house," Rachel said.

"I'm gonna go um...find that boy. I don't want him to be sad."

"Fine, then you are no longer my friend," Rachel said.

"Is she really your friend?" Amy asked.

"No. Not in real life," Rachel said.

Monica simply nodded and stepped back and walked out of the room. Amy let out a snort.

"Wow, you made a fatty cry. You're a mean girl, aren't you? I'm proud to call you my sister," Amy said.

Rachel glared at her sister and stormed out of the room. She stormed upstairs towards her room and threw herself on the bed. She took a deep breath and came up with a plan. She walked into Jill's bathroom and grabbed her bottles of shampoo and conditioner. She walked back into her room and grabbed a box from under her bed. She opened it and pulled out food coloring that she had stolen from the kitchen and put it in the bottles. She closed the bottles and put them in Jill's bathroom. She felt a little better after although she would miss seeing the reaction on Jill's face or see Amy get in trouble...it was probably better that way. She would be at the Geller's.

Rachel had come home with the Geller's to spend the night. Rachel and Monica found themselves in their favorite spot in the pantry, sharing a box of Twinkies. Ross was hanging out with Will in his room and Judy and Jack were in their room. Rachel was feeling a little nervous wondering what was going on at home, if Jill's hair was dyed a crazy color. She wouldn't be in trouble for it. She wasn't home.

"So...who was that boy?" Rachel asked. When she had come back from doing the prank on Jill, she had noticed Monica talking to that strange boy.

"Chandler."

"Do you like him?"

"No."

"You played with him the whole time."

"He was nice and I felt sad for him because Ross wasn't playing with him...and he's really funny. He told so many jokes. I didn't even know people knew that many jokes."

"You're gonna marry him," Rachel grinned, taking a bite of a Twinkie.

"I am not going to marry him because we've discussed this. My husband will be named, Matthew and we will have a daughter named, Emma and...and-"

"You're gonna marry him. I bet you a bazillion dollars."

"No because...no...you're wrong Rachel."

"I am not wrong."

"You are wrong. You're gonna marry Ross," Monica said.

"Ewww, no...and besides, he burned your Easy Bake down and got you in trouble so I don't like Ross," Rachel said which made Monica happy. The pantry door soon opened and Judy Geller stood there, smiling at the two girls.

"Rachel, honey, your mom and dad are here to pick you up," Judy said.

"But I'm spending the night," Rachel said.

"Why does she have to go home?" Monica asked.

"Rachel Green get out here right now," Leonard Green stormed into the kitchen with Sandra standing next to him. Rachel could feel her heart drop to her stomach as she stood up.

"Why? Why do I have to go," Rachel said.

"You know why," Leonard said.

"But I didn't do anything. Amy did it," Rachel said.

"What did Amy do?" Leonard said.

"It's her fault," Rachel said.

"Are you lying to me?" Leonard asked.

"No. I'm not," Rachel said.

Leonard walked towards Rachel and grabbed her arm, pulling her out of the kitchen. Rachel began crying as he dragged her towards the car. He turned to look at her.

"Tell me the truth. Did you or did you not dye Jill's hair green?" Leonard asked.

"I didn't. I was in the playroom the whole time with Monica. You can ask Monica, she was with me the whole time. She never left the playroom."

"Oh, honey. You know that's a lie. She was in the kitchen talking to Sophie's son," Sandra said.

"That's not true," Rachel said. She began crying as Leonard opened the driver's side door and sat, with his legs out of the car. He grabbed Rachel and began spanking her. She began crying more.

"Honey, you have got to stop lying," Sandra said.

"I'm not lying," Rachel cried. When her dad was done spanking her, he lifted her up and stood her on the ground.

"Get in the back. When we get back, you're going straight to your room," Leonard said. Rachel nodded and climbed in the backseat. She kept crying. Sandra got in back with her and comforted her.

"Sweetie, you have to learn to behave," Sandra said.

"Why do you do that?" Leonard asked as he drove.

"Do what?" Sandra asked.

"You're undermining my parenting," Leonard said.

"How? You keep spanking her," Sandra said.

"Because she's not behaving. She needs to learn how to behave and not lie. You've raised a liar, Sandra."

"I have raised a liar? She lies because she's afraid of you."

"I'm parenting her. You let her get away with everything," Leonard said.

Rachel was still crying as her parents voices grew louder, they were screaming in the car. It was scaring her. She didn't want her parents to fight.

"Stop it! Stop fighting, stop it….I'm sorry. I'll be good, I promise. Just stop fighting," Rachel said, shaking she was crying too hard. Sandra immediately wrapped her arms around Rachel. The fighting scared her. There was always fighting in her house. Her mom and dad screaming at each other. It made her cry, always. When they got home, Rachel was sent to her room. Although she did get a good look at Jill's hair now green but it didn't matter now, she didn't get the reaction she had wanted.

Back at school, Rachel still wanted to play. She had brought honey and dental floss to school and during recess snuck into Ross' fifth grade class. His fifth grade teacher wasn't in the classroom and Rachel found Ross' desk with a pencil box covered with dinosaur stickers on top and ROSS written in sharpie. She opened the desk and filled it with honey and dental floss until it was covered and then snuck out of the classroom. She was proud of herself. She then wrote a note to Monica that read: "_I thought Ross could use some dental floss...and honey-your secret sister_" and slipped it in her desk.

Rachel's prank became the scandal of the school, of course Rachel told no one. Everyone thought Monica had done it. It wasn't until a couple days later when the principal came by Rachel and Monica's classroom to get Rachel. She was little nervous as she followed the principal into the office. She sat on the chair and the principal closed her door and sat at her desk.

"Rachel, I have a question. Who put honey and dental floss in Ross Geller's desk?" the principal asked.

"I don't know. Maybe Monica."

"A couple teachers have said that they saw you walk in and out of Ross' classroom when the teacher wasn't there. The teachers were lying?"

"Yes. I didn't do it."

"Lying is not okay. You'll get in a lot more trouble for lying than for telling the truth."

"I'm not lying. I didn't do it."

"Uh-huh. This note was found in the trash. It looks like your writing," the principal said, handing Rachel the note she had written to Monica.

"I didn't write that," Rachel said.

"Rachel, I'm going to have to suspend you for a week. I've called your parents."

Rachel gasped and immediately began crying, "I didn't do anything wrong. It's not my fault. Please, I don't wanna get suspended. I don't wanna….it's not my fault."

"You need to stop lying."

"I didn't do anything bad. I'm not a bad kid."

"You're not a bad kid, but you're not making good choices. You need to make better choices. I know you're a good kid."

Rachel was still crying when her father came by to pick her up. She knew she was in a lot of trouble. After speaking with the principal, Leonard grabbed Rachel's hand and pulled her out of the school. She sat in the passenger's seat, hyperventilating. When they got home, Leonard dragged her up to her room where he sat on her bed and pulled her over his knee and proceeded to spank her. She dissolved further into sobs as her father kept smacking her bottom. When her dad was done, he sat her facing the wall and yelled at her not to move. She stayed in her room all night and she was sleeping in her bed when she was woken up by screaming. Her parents were screaming at each other….about her. They were yelling about her, how to parent her. She lay there, not wanting to cry again when she felt someone pull at her. She saw Jill staring at her, wide eyed.

"Can I sleep with you?" Jill asked. Rachel nodded as she picked up her sister and placed her in bed next to her. The two hugged each other as they still listened to the fighting. Amy soon walked into Rachel's room and crawled into bed, in between both Rachel and Jill and wrapped her arms around both of them.

"I'm not a bad kid," Rachel cried.

"I know," Amy said.

"Why do they fight?" Jill asked.

"Because they hate each other and need to get a divorce," Amy said.

"I don't want that. I don't want them divorcing," Rachel said.

"Then this will be our lives and you have to learn not to lie and just behave," Amy said.

"I'm just playing," Rachel said.

"Adults don't look at it that way and then they fight," Amy said.

Rachel nodded as the three sisters sat in Rachel's bed, holding onto each other as the shouting continued downstairs. She hated it, hated the yelling. She wanted to be in the pantry, eating Twinkies with Monica. It was peaceful there.

It was a long, tough week for Rachel. She was grounded for the whole week. Her parents kept fighting, she could not wait to get back to school and when she was finally allowed back, she was amazed. She was more popular. Even the bigger kids thought she was cool because she had played a prank on Ross. It confused her a little but it seemed like the meaner she was or the more ill behaved she was, the more popular she got and she did like that. She liked feeling popular. It felt comfortable.


	3. Chapter 3

Summer 1981

She was eleven now and it was her second year at sleepaway camp with Mindy and Sharon. She was thrilled about that, so happy to get away. She loved that she was now going to officially be a sixth grader, finally and she was liked by everyone and being a sixth grader at the camp meant she would definitely be considered cool. She still managed to constantly get in trouble with her parents but it didn't faze her or at least she pretended like it didn't. She walked into her cabin with Mindy and saw a couple of girls unpacking by two beds near the restroom.

"Oh, they got the good beds," Mindy groaned. "That sucks."

"No, it doesn't. The sheets aren't on the bed. Who says it's their bed? Look, Mindy we gotta strike our territory. This could be our summer and we need the good beds in order to kick that off. Follow me, Min," Rachel said as she grabbed her bag and walked towards the two beds. She casually threw her bag onto the bed and one of the girls stared at her.

"Hey, those are our beds," the girl said.

"Not anymore," Mindy said.

"Exactly. What's your name?" Rachel asked.

"I'm Lizzie and this is my friend, Julie."

"Oh, Lizard and Drool-" Rachel said.

"Those aren't our names," Lizzie tried.

"I don't care. These beds belong to Mindy and I. Okay, you two can have those beds over there," Rachel pointed.

"We don't want those beds," Lizzie said.

"You don't have a choice," Rachel said as she began to unpack her sheets and stuff. Mindy did the same. Lizzie and Julie let out annoyed grunts and walked out of the cabin. Mindy and Rachel kept setting up their stuff until they heard the door shut. They turned to each other and giggled.

"Oh, Rachel….I wanna learn how to be mean like you," Mindy grinned. Rachel was taken aback by that.

"But...I mean...I don't know about that."

"You just kicked those two girls out of their beds? You are amazing."

"Well, they were our beds...last summer. I think. I'm not mean, right?"

"Well, you're not nice. It's not a bad thing, Rach. It's good to be a bad ass. No one can push you around."

"Yeah, no...no….I like….yeah, let's walk around. I wanna see the boys cabins. Remember last year, they were cute," Rachel said.

"Remember Luke Morrison?" Mindy asked.

"Do you think he's here?" Rachel asked.

"Let's find out," Mindy said as she grabbed Rachel's arm and the two walked out of the cabins, giggling and gossiping. Luke had been a boy that had been at the camp last summer. He was two years older than she was and so cute, tall, sandy blonde hair, lean. He was so sweet. She practically melted every single time she saw him though she had not actually spoken to him. She was extolling every amazing part of him to Mindy when suddenly they were knocked back by a boy with a brown bowl haircut who had run right into them.

"Watch where you're going, weirdo," Mindy said. "G-d, Rach...they really need to start doing a screening process for this summer camp. Too many losers."

"Oh, totally, Mindy. The boys have like so gone downhill. We have this," Rachel said, motioning to the boy "not fair. Loser...oh and speaking of losers, there's Sharon."

"She is such a bitch," Mindy said.

"Yeah, like yeah," Rachel said before plastering a huge smile on her face, "oh, Sharon. I missed you." Rachel and Mindy walked towards Sharon and hugged her. As Mindy and Sharon talked, Rachel glanced back at the boy who was now talking to Lizzie. She watched him carefully as he pointed towards her.

"Rachel, Rachel," Sharon kept waving her hand in front of Rachel's face. Rachel looked at her.

"Yeah," Rachel said.

"We're going to the boy's camp….we're going to find Luke," Sharon said.

"Let's do that," Rachel said and three girls walked off towards the boy's camp. She put the boy she had been mean to out of her head and walked around from cabin to cabin until they finally found Luke.

"He's gotten cuter," Rachel cooed when she saw him.

""Cause he's thirteen," Mindy said.

"Oh….I love older men," Rachel said.

"You know, you have boobs. I bet he'd like you now," Sharon said.

"Interesting," Rachel said as she looked down at her chest. She looked up at Luke who was talking to some friend of his. She took a deep breath and sauntered towards Luke, grinning. As she got closer, she stepped in front of him.

"Hey, Luke," Rachel said.

"Rachel Green?" Luke asked.

"That's me. You're going into eighth grade now, aren't you?" Rachel asked.

"Yes," Luke said. "What grade are you going into?"

"Sixth."

"You don't look like you're going into sixth," Luke said.

"I've heard that," Rachel said.

"Wow, this is sad."

Rachel jumped and turned around to see the boy who had rammed into her earlier standing there. Luke's friend had disappeared. Rachel let out a snort.

"You look in a mirror?" Rachel asked.

"Whoa….with a comeback like that…" the boy said which made Luke laugh.

"You suck at life," Rachel said.

"Yeah, I know. I mean, I'm going into seventh grade and it is sad...almost as sad as throwing yourself at random people," the boy said.

"I'd rather throw myself at them then run into them," Rachel said.

"Do you two know each other?" Luke asked. Rachel turned and looked at Luke.

"Oh G-d no….I-I just like to be nice to people who are clearly sad and pathetic because I'm kind like that," Rachel grinned.

"Oh dear G-d help us all," the boy said as he opened the door to his cabin. As he opened the door, it hit Rachel knocking her forward a bit. Luke laughed as the boy walked into the cabin.

"That Chandler guy is funny," Luke said.

"Yeah, he's a real riot," Rachel said, "I heard he's on drugs."

"Really?"

"No. So, Luke...horses….you like the horseback riding, right?"

"I love it."

"Well, maybe you and I could…."

"That would be fun."

"Dude, be careful. I heard she has rabies," Chandler screamed from inside the cabin. Luke started laughing.

"Oh, go suck your own dick," Rachel yelled back. It was an insult that Amy had taught her once and she thought it was fitting.

"Already did that twice today," Chandler shot back.

Rachel let out an annoyed snort as she looked back at Luke who really did seem to find Chandler quite hysterical.

"So, at the dining hall….you wanna sit with me and well my friends?" Rachel asked.

"Yeah. That would be nice."

"I'll see you then," Rachel said. She smiled and then turned and ran towards Sharon and Mindy. The three girls ran off, practically squealing.

"He's gonna eat with us," Rachel said.

"Who was that guy? He was so odd," Mindy said.

"Let's not ruin my beautiful moment with Luke by discussing losers. Please," Rachel said.

"You were so mean to him," Mindy said.

"I wasn't mean. I'm not a mean girl," Rachel said.

"Yeah, you are….but it's what makes you awesome," Mindy said.

"I think you and that guy should be friends," Sharon said.

"Luke?" Rachel asked.

"Loser guy," Sharon said.

"No. Ewwww, I will never be friends with a guy like that. I'm not friends with losers," Rachel said.

"You're friends with Monicow," Sharon said.

"Out of pity and fine maybe Loser and Monicow could hook up, can we please talk about my future husband, Luke," Rachel said. The three walked off, still talking about Luke although there was something about loser boy that kept nagging at her. She couldn't stop thinking about him. She didn't like that she was now getting a reputation as a mean girl but she was willing to bet that no one would like her if she wasn't. Every single time she got in trouble, the kids seemed to flock to her.

She loved getting to know Luke. He was nice to look at although he didn't seem very intelligent. He seemed dumber than her eight year old sister and she felt Jill was dumb...and dull. All he seemed to want to talk about was sports and when he talked about sports, her mind went blank. She would start imagining other things like pranks she could play on that boy named, Chandler, who seemed to be garnering a reputation as a clown. He didn't know who he was dealing with, she'd get revenge.

She really did try to avoid Chandler. He just seemed so ridiculous to her but she liked playing with him, insulting him. He seemed to play back just as hard. Insulting Chandler was more fun than trying to deal with Luke.

"Oh, Julie...did you brush your teeth today?" Rachel asked as she and Mindy walked into the dining hall and past a table with Chandler, Lizzie, another guy Rachel didn't know and a girl named, Julie, whose toothbrush ended up in the toilet. Lizzie had purposely put Julie's toothbrush in the toilet and then said it was Rachel's. Rachel didn't argue though, deciding to let them believe it was her.

"Hey, Green," Chandler said.

"What?" Rachel asked, rolling her eyes.

"You look special today," Chandler said.

"Thank you. G-d, you're weird," Rachel said.

"Yes, and you're a national treasure. Kinda like Wylie Coyote," Chandler said.

"What?" Rachel asked, confused.

"Yes, I love those cartoons. My favorite part is when then he runs off a cliff. You are like Wylie Coyote. I'm just eagerly waiting for you to run off a cliff," Chandler said as Lizzie and the rest of his table began laughing. Rachel and Mindy walked off to get their food and sit down with Sharon and Luke and a group of his friends, Rachel was still complaining about Chandler.

"He's just such a turd," Rachel said.

"Chandler? He's funny," Luke said.

"He is not funny. He's stupid. He's ugly and stupid. He called me a coyote," Rachel said.

"Why?" Luke asked.

"'Cause he wants me to run off a cliff," Rachel said.

"Coyotes run off cliffs?" Luke asked.

"No, like in the cartoon. Wylie Coyote. He's just a mean person, you know. I wanna do something to him," Rachel said.

"Why don't you pee in his bed?" Luke asked.

"Ewww, why would I do that?" Rachel asked.

"I don't know," Luke said.

"Rachel is good at pulling pranks. She gets in trouble at school all the time for it," Mindy said.

"One time she got suspended for a whole week," Sharon said.

Rachel smiled, it was almost like a badge of honor for her. Her reputation. She kept looking over at Chandler though, kept thinking of something she could do to get even with him.

"Hmmmm, I wonder what's in this?" Luke asked. Rachel looked at him. He was poking at his macaroni and cheese. Rachel raised her eyebrow.

"Macaroni and cheese?" Rachel asked.

"Yeah, have you ever wondered what's in macaroni and cheese?" Luke asked.

"No," Rachel said.

"Well, what's in it?" Luke asked.

"Froot Loops and glitter paste," Rachel said.

"Really?" Luke asked.

Rachel reacted and looked at both Sharon and Mindy who laughed. She took a deep breath. She looked over at Chandler again and for some reason, she kinda wanted to be at that table but she couldn't. She couldn't get up and just walk over there. She was at the table she was supposed to be at. The popular table.

After lunch, she went horseback riding with Luke. He kissed her before they got on the horses which she liked. It was the only thing she liked. They rode their horses next to each other and Rachel tried to talk to him.

"So...are you excited for eighth grade?" Rachel asked.

"Yeah. It'll be fun. It's funner than seventh grade," Luke said.

"Do you have any brothers or sisters?"

"I have a sister who's older, she's going into third grade."

"Then she's younger?"

"Yeah."

"You said she's older?"

"Oh, yeah….I get that mixed up a lot. Did you like sixth grade?" Luke asked.

"I haven't done it yet."

"Fifth grade. You know what was hard? Multiplication. Two times two. What is that?" Luke asked.

"Four."

"You're smart."

"Let's ride our horses quietly," Rachel said.

Luke smiled at her and her heart started beating rapidly. She just liked the kissing. She had never kissed a boy before and it felt nice. Their lips pressing against each other, moving in rhythm.

After horseback riding, Mindy, Sharon and Rachel walked back to their cabin. Rachel complaining about Luke. Mindy and Sharon laughing as Rachel complained.

"He's cute but it's not okay 'cause he doesn't know what two times two is and-and-he didn't know what was in macaroni and cheese," Rachel said.

"But you liked kissing him?" Mindy asked.

"Yeah," Rachel said.

"You're slutty," Sharon said.

"No, I'm not. We're kissing," Rachel said as the three girls walked into the cabin. All the girls were in the cabin. Half the girls had gone swimming, half the girls had gone horseback riding. Rachel wasn't paying attention as she walked towards her bed and jumped in the bed and turned her pillow over to lie on it. As she did that, she felt something sticky all over her.

"Oh, gross, Rach," Mindy said. As Rachel let out a scream and stood up. She tore off her sheets and her entire bed and her pillow was covered with peanut butter. She heard the girls laughing. She was getting furious. She turned around and glared at Lizzie who was laughing.

"Your boyfriend is responsible for this," Rachel said.

"Oh he wouldn't do that," Lizzie said.

"And I didn't stick Julie's toothbrush in the toilet," Rachel said.

"If you say so but I don't think Chandler would stick peanut butter in your bed. That would be mean….and it's not good to mean, right?" Lizzie asked and Rachel, without thinking, shoved Lizzie across the room and stormed out of the cabin, still covered with peanut butter. She was hyperventilating, so upset. She'd have to get revenge on him. She'd have to do something to him. He was going down. She wanted to go to his dorm at that moment, but she stopped. Luke would see her. She didn't want Luke to see her.

Rachel stormed back into cabin and glared at Lizzie who looked almost afraid of her. She grabbed her sheets and her pillow off her her bed and threw them at Lizzie and walked towards her. "Wash my sheets and tell your boyfriend, he messed with the wrong person." Rachel walked back towards her bed, grabbing her toiletries and storming into the bathroom and getting in the shower. After turning on the shower, she began crying. The tears kept falling as she got more and more upset. She hated Chandler, really hated him. She hated Luke. She hated being mean to Lizzie. She hated that a trick was played on her. She wasn't who everyone thought she was, but no one understood. No one got it.

The next morning, after washing her sheets several dozen times, she was still upset. As she and Mindy walked into the dining hall, she saw Chandler sitting there and she practically marched towards him.

"Hey, Bing. Was it you?" Rachel asked.

"Me?" Chandler asked.

"You put peanut butter in my bed," Rachel said.

"You are such a loser," Mindy said.

"I didn't do anything to you, Wylie Coyote. Why would I mess with you? You're just too special," Chandler said.

"Screw you," Rachel said.

"Oh...Rachel will you go out with me? No, no, marry me," Chandler said.

"You know what? You are going to die alone," Rachel said.

"Yeah, and?" Chandler asked.

"No one would miss you if you died," Rachel said.

"Yeah, I know," Chandler said.

"What is wrong with you?" Mindy asked.

"We don't have that kind of time," Chandler grinned.

"Whatever," Rachel said.

"Yeah, whatever," Mindy said as they began to walk off.

"Hey, Mindy and Coyote," Chandler yelled. Mindy and Rachel stopped and turned to see Chandler holding up a tiny plastic container of jelly.

"Coyote, do you want some? I mean, take this, slap two slices of bread on yourself and you'd make a lovely sandwich," Chandler said.

Rachel rolled her eyes, as did Mindy. The two girls turned and walked off to get their breakfast and sit with their friends. Luke was grinning at her.

"What are you smiling at?" Rachel asked.

"I heard what Chandler did. That's awesome," Luke said.

"I am so going to get back at him," Rachel said.

"You gonna pee in his bed?" Luke asked.

"No...ewww," Rachel said, she'd think of something….something less disgusting. She kept glaring at Chandler who kept grinning at her. She really did dislike him and she disliked him more when word began to spread about the prank. People began to call her Coyote. She had never really been made fun of like that but now they were.

She came up with an idea, using a method she knew well. She noticed that Chandler often took a scenic route from the dining hall to his cabin. It was a route than not a lot of kids took, so she decided to lie in wait for him. She sat with her back against a tree and when she noticed him approaching her, she placed her head in her hands and began crying. Soon, he stopped in front of her.

"Are you okay?" Chandler asked.

"What do you care?" Rachel asked. "Leave me alone."

"No. You're crying."

"Everyone is picking on me now. Thanks to you," Rachel said. "You're a bully."

Everyone called her a bully and she hated it so she decided to call him one.

"I'm not a bully, Rachel. You were kinda mean to my friend. You didn't drop Julie's toothbrush into the toilet on accident. You know that. I'm sorry I played a prank on you. I didn't want you to cry."

She looked at him. He seemed really concerned. She wasn't going to tell him that Lizzie was the one who dropped the toothbrush in the toilet. She didn't think he'd believe her anyway.

"Thanks. You are funny, though."

"Thanks...it's all I have."

"That's weird," Rachel said.

"Not if you knew me," Chandler said.

She wasn't sure what it was about him but she did want to know him. He seemed smarter than Luke. She was betting he knew what was in macaroni and cheese.

"Hmmm...well, maybe one day. I still think you're a loser."

"See, that's mean."

"You covered my bed in peanut butter. Kids are comparing me to a coyote that runs off a cliff."

"But doesn't die."

"Weirdo," Rachel said but this time not trying to sound mean. She really wanted to hate this kid but she couldn't and she was starting to hate that. Chandler reached into his pocket and pulled out a friendship bracelet, he gave it to Rachel. Rachel looked at it and back at him.

"Here," Chandler said.

"What's this? I don't wanna be your friend," Rachel said.

"I don't wanna be yours but a couple years ago this girl gave me a friendship bracelet and said that whenever I needed a friend, to look at it. So if you ever need a friend, look down and know you have one. It doesn't have to be me," Chandler said.

Rachel took it and stared at it. She smiled as she looked at him.

"My friend, Monica likes making these. Thank you. When I look at this, I'll think of Sean Cassidy," Rachel said.

"You know, he's not that good looking," Chandler said.

Rachel smiled. She laughed at him.

"Yes, he is. I'm going to marry him. He's my husband."

"I'm gonna marry Bo Derek or Wonder Woman...I haven't decided."

"You could never get Bo Derrick or Wonder Woman."

"You could never get Sean Cassidy."

Rachel liked this, she didn't talk like this with Luke. She wanted to stay there and talk with him. He was funny, kind.

"You know, Chandler. You're actually nice."

"So are you. Just when you're not around other people."

"Hmmm, well...don't tell. We all have an act, right?" Rachel gave him a grin as she got up. She let out a breath and wiped the tears away from her face, "bye, loser."

Rachel walked away, grinning. She had gotten her revenge but she'd get more and that would come on the last night of camp. There was a dance and Rachel had taken to wearing the friendship bracelet Chandler had given her. Luke was with her but she didn't pay attention. She was focusing on Chandler and Lizzie. She watched as Chandler and Lizzie walked out. Rachel took that as her cue. She waited about five minutes before walking towards the punch and grabbing a bucket of ice and sneaking out of the rec hall.

"Where are we going?" Mindy asked, Rachel jumped having walked right into her.

"Come with me," Rachel said, handing Mindy the bucket, running back in and coming out of the room with cups. The girls walked off towards the lake and saw Chandler and Lizzie leaning in closer to each other as if they were clearly about to kiss. Rachel grabbed the ice and put some in a cup for Mindy.

"You get Lizzie, I'll get Chandler," Rachel whispered. Mindy nodded and walked towards Lizzie. Rachel nodded and suddenly both started pelting Lizzie and Chandler with ice. Chandler looked at Rachel as she kept pelting him.

"Look, it's my best friend...Sean Cassidy," Rachel said, holding the bucket of ice. Chandler stood up and began to advance towards her. Rachel stepped back and began running with Chandler chasing her. He soon caught her and wrestled the bucket away from her and placed it on her head. Rachel laughed as the freezing water poured all over her. She took the bucket off her head and looked up.

"Chandler," Rachel yelled as Chandler laughed.

"What? You look a little cold," Chandler said. Rachel laughed. He had a very friendly smile. She almost wish they had more time. Maybe they could have been better friends.

"By the way, why did you tell Luke you were going to pee in my bed?" Chandler asked.

"Ewww, I'm not gonna pee in your bed."

"The guy is a moron," Chandler said.

"I know."

"Well, I'll see you around," Chandler said motioning off towards someone. Rachel turned and saw Lizzie standing off to the side. Chandler smiled at her and walked over towards Lizzie. Rachel watched him walk off. She felt a little sad, she didn't want to admit it but she actually thought Chandler seemed like a good guy.

At the end of camp, Rachel made her way to Luke and Chandler's cabin. She had made a friendship bracelet and written a note for Chandler but she wanted to give it to him without him knowing. On the note, she had written:

_"Dear Loser,_

_Whenever you look at this, please remember that you will never get Wonder Woman._

_From, _

_Rachel aka Wylie Coyote."_

When she saw Chandler walking alone towards the main office, she walked into his cabin where the boys were packing. Luke walked up to her.

"Hey, Rach….there's Chandler's bed if you wanna pee in it," Luke said, pointing to Chandler's bunk.

"I'm not doing that," Rachel said. Luke laughed as he walked back to his bunk. She walked towards Luke but stopped at Chandler's suitcase. She looked around and when she was certain no one was paying attention, she slipped the note and the friendship bracelet in his bag and closed it. She did hope she would see him again. Luke on the other hand….she wasn't quite sure.

When Rachel finally got home, she and Monica sat in the pantry, eating Twinkies and discussing camp and Rachel was complaining about Chandler. She did not talk about Luke. Monica wouldn't understand Luke.

"Camp was awful," Rachel whined, taking a bite of a Twinkie.

"Why?"

"Because this loser filled my bed with peanut butter," Rachel said which made Monica giggle.

"Monica, it's not funny," Rachel said.

"It sounds funny. Why did he fill your bed with peanut butter?"

"Because he was loser and he was dating some loser girl in my cabin. They were freaks. Who puts peanut butter in someone's bed. That's weird and he called me a coyote."

"A coyote?"

"Like the cartoon. He wanted me to run off a cliff like Wylie Coyote."

"He said that?" Monica asked.

"Yes. He was such a freak. I threw ice at his head."

"Maybe he had a crush on you?"

"Ewww, no...he's ugly and stupid and...really ugly and...stupid."

"That's all?"

"Yes and mean...he was the meanest boy I have ever met in my whole entire life."

Although, she wasn't sure how much she believed that. She didn't want to admit that she ended up liking him and thinking he was nice.

"I'm sorry. So you want me to make you peanut butter cookies?"

"Shut up, Monica."

"Sorry."

"How was your summer?"

"Well, I got kicked out of fat kid camp," Monica said.

"You got kicked out of fat camp?"

"I did. It was awesome. I made these two new friends, Ellie and Laurie. They live close by and we snuck out and went to McDonalds."

"That's not good," Rachel said. She didn't like how heavy her friend was. She had hoped Monica would lose weight at fat camp.

"It was. I made friends, Rachel...and...and you know Michelle Burke? She's nice too. I became friends with her and she said I could sit with her at lunch when school starts again. I like that...I mean, I would sit with you but-"

"But you can't...that's not in the rules," Rachel said but she started to get nervous. Monica sitting with other friends? With Michelle Burke and these two girls she didn't know?

"I know."

"But..." Rachel began, sounding worried. "Am I still your best friend?"

"Of course. Always...we're secret best friends."

"Yeah," Rachel said.

"But Rachel...are we ever allowed to be not secret friends?"

"No...'cause...'cause Nancy would get mad and...and Mindy is my number one best friend and...and...it's...sorry."

"I understand," Monica said.

"Monica...do you ever get scared of stuff?" Rachel asked as she stared at the Twinkie in her hand, breaking it in half and taking a bite.

"What do you mean? Scared of what?"

"Nothing...it's just...promise me you won't stop being my secret best friend. 'Cause that would make me sad."

"Rachel...I'm your friend. Always," Monica said, smiling at her. Rachel liked that, she hoped Monica would keep that promise. She liked Monica as her friend, she felt Monica was her only real friend. The only one who understood her.


	4. Chapter 4

**February 1983**  
Rachel was enjoying herself quite a bit. She wasn't sure how she had snagged quite an awesome job being as she was only twelve and three months away from being thirteen but her Aunt Olivia had let her and Amy take turns working in her store, Olivia's. Amy who was fifteen hated it. She was rarely even there but Rachel liked it. She loved dressing the mannequins in fashionable attire. Olivia had wanted someone at the store with Rachel but Amy often found a reason why she could not come in and help and Olivia often had errands to runs so Rachel often found herself alone in the store. She was pleased with herself. She worked there on Saturdays and sometimes Sundays. She would get up early, dress in her most grown up looking outfit and get dropped off at Olivia's at around 10a. She would go in, say hello to her aunt who would give her money to get coffee. Rachel would walk next door, buy two cups of coffee. She had decided as well that if she would work at a grown up store, she would need a grown up beverage and grown ups drank coffee. She wasn't too sure about the taste but she hoped that maybe she'd grow to like it. After returning to the store, her Aunt Olivia would leave. Some might say that leaving a twelve, almost thirteen, year old alone working in a store would be worth a call to child protective services but Rachel would disagree. She was almost thirteen and three months away from her Bat Mitzvah and almost an adult.

After Olivia left, Rachel would walk through the store. She'd make sure all the hangers were facing the right direction and clothes were in size order. Everything in Olivia's was small, nothing bigger than a size eight which Rachel secretly didn't really like. She did once ask Olivia why there was nothing that could fit girls that were bigger and Olivia shook her head and told her that she refused to cater to fatties, that seemed mean but it was the last time Rachel ever said anything. When she was done, she'd make sure the mannequins looked appropriate and cute. Then she'd sit at the counter and wait and usually talk on the phone. She loved talking on the phone. She was now in seventh grade and very popular. She seemed to discover the key to being popular was to not be nice. That's what it felt like.

"Nancy, did you see Chip in math class class, yesterday? He looked at me and the way he asked me to borrow a pencil was….I could have sworn he was asking me to marry him."

"You are pathetic," Nancy said.

"I am not pathetic, I am merely saying that he is my future husband," Rachel said.

"I thought Shawn Cassidy was your future husband?" Nancy asked.

"I can have more than one future husband. Maybe I could like choose my favorite twenty five future husbands and then narrow it down to one. I'd watch that on television."

"Ugh, who would watch that? That is stupid and twenty five? You are such a slut," Nancy said.

Rachel let out a breath. She hated talking to Nancy sometimes. Nancy seemed to always find something negative to say to her. She always wanted to cry out and tell her to stop but she knew how Nancy treated people who she didn't like and that seemed far worse.

"I'm not a slut," Rachel said.

"Please, everyone knows you're a slut."

"Hmmm, well considering I'm still a virgin-"

"Liar. You are not a virgin."

"I-I-I'm not sure how to prove that to you," Rachel said."Oh, gross."

Rachel noticed a tall blonde walk into the store. She looked filthy, with dirty clothes and her hair looked dirty. She looked like she had not bathed in a year. She was walking with an older guy who looked like he was her father and a girl with brown hair, all three of them looked like they were covered in filth. Rachel knew her aunt would be furious to know they were in her store, touching her clothes.

"Hold on," Rachel said to Nancy as she covered the receiver with her hand and looked at the trio with disgust. "Uh, may I help you?"

"Just browsing," the blonde said.

"Okay, but um...the second hand shop is down the street. You might be looking for that," Rachel grinned. Thinking maybe that would be nice.

"I think we're fine," the blonde said.

Rachel let out an annoyed sigh. She took her hand off the receiver and continued to talk with Nancy.

"There are homeless people in the store," Rachel said.

"Ewww, kick them out," Nancy said.

"What if they kill me. There are three of them and one of me. They might murder me and then I wouldn't be able to go to Mindy's party," Rachel whined.

"Oh, speaking of Chip...and Mindy's party, I forgot to tell you. Sharon is going to Mindy's party and you know what she said to Chip in Spanish yesterday? She told Chip that she would make out with him in Mindy's pool house," Nancy said.

"Oh my G-d. Did she really say that to him? Oh my G-d."

"She so said that," Nancy said.

"That Sharon is such a loser. So rude."

"And did you see Sharon hitting on him at lunch? Oh, you wanna eat my muffin? Ewww," Nancy said.

"Yeah, yeah...I know. Like she was totally hitting on him...we are so going to Mindy's party tonight. Cause Chip is gonna be there-"

"As will Sharon."

"He is so gonna ask me out and-" Rachel said when the blonde and her two friends approached the counter. The blonde was holding a long flowy, purple dress with pink flowers. Rachel felt sad for the dress.

"Excuse me," the blonde said.

Rachel let out an annoyed sigh and stared at the girl. She had to be kidding. She couldn't possibly think that she would be getting a dress.

"What?" Rachel asked, moving the phone from her ear.

"What's your name?"

"Rachel."

"Well, Rachel...thank you so much for all your help-"

"Oh, of course. That's why I'm here," Rachel grinned.

"Yeah, I would like to buy this."

Rachel was tempted to say no, but she was curious as to how this girl was going to pay for the dress.

"'Kay...so pretty."

"Thanks."

Rachel rang her up and was stunned when the girl handed her sixty dollars plus tax in cash. Where could this girl have gotten money? The girl seemed like she had quite a bit of money. Maybe she was a prostitute? She put the dress in a bag and handed it to the blonde.

"Thank you for coming...have a terrific day."

"Yeah...have fun at Mindy's," the blonde smiled. Rachel just giggled and turned back to the phone.

"So I will probably have to tell the boss to fumigate the store because homeless people walked in," Rachel said.

"Did they buy anything?" Nancy asked.

"Yes."

"They had money?"

"From prostitution...or drug money."

"Hold on, call waiting," Nancy said as Rachel sat there and continued staring at the three homeless people who were still standing in the store. In particular, she kept looking at the blonde. There was something innocent about her, something sad. She wished the girl wasn't homeless because if she cleaned up, she might actually be pretty. The girl looked really young too. She looked much too young to be homeless. If that was her dad, it actually upset her.

"Ross got mugged," Nancy said as she got back on the phone, "Geek Geller got mugged."

"Oh my G-d, he got mugged," Rachel screamed.

"At the comic book store," Nancy said.

"At Astros Comics?"

"Oh, you are such a loser for knowing that," Nancy said.

"Oh my G-d. I have to call Monica. That's horrible."

"Monicow? Awww, Rat Face, you and Monicow are so cute. Maybe you could ride her though the town like a weird Western movie."

"Nancy, I have to go," Rachel said as she hung up, not in the mood to continue hearing Nancy's insults. When she hung up, she looked up at the homeless trio and for a moment, she and the blonde locked eyes. There was a sadness in that girl's eyes and Rachel sat frozen when the blonde's dad immediately grabbed her arm and the three raced out of the store. She cocked her head to the side, they had money. She got up and walked towards the entrance. She watched the three of them as they walked down the street. She watched them as they disappeared down around the corner. Could it be? She walked back in the store, shaken a bit by what had happened. She just could not stop thinking about that blonde girl.

Her Aunt Olivia soon came back to the store and Rachel asked if she could leave to go to the Geller house. She wanted to check in on Ross. Olivia okayed it and Rachel left. She passed by Astro Comics and for a brief moment contemplated walking in and buying something for Ross, to make him feel better but that would be a bad idea. Nancy had already made fun of her for simply knowing the name of the comic book store, if someone saw her walk in there, she wasn't sure what would happen. So she walked towards the Geller home empty handed.

When Rachel arrived, Monica and her friends, Ellie, Michelle and Laurie were sitting on the couch, eating popcorn and staring at Ross who was sitting in a big chair next to them. Rachel walked towards them and looked at Ellie, Michelle and Laurie as if she was disgusted by them. She hated those three girls and she was never sure why. She was glad Monica had friends but she had liked being Monica's only friend.

"Oh, Ross...how are you?" Rachel asked, sitting on the arm of Ross' chair.

"We think he got mugged by a girl," Laurie said.

Rachel had to suppress a smile, remembering that blonde girl who had been in the store. What if she had mugged Ross? She had actually thought that but did not want to give Laurie the satisfaction of agreeing with her.

"I did not," Ross said.

"That's horrible. Uh, this town is really becoming gross. There were these hobos that came into Olivia's today with all this cash. They were so filthy...they probably got all their money from prostitution," Rachel said.

"Yes, because that's what prostitutes do. They sell their bodies just so they can buy overpriced clothes from a boutique that sells clothes that no normal sized person can fit into," Ellie said.

"Normal sized people can fit into the clothes. You girls are just too heavy to fit into the clothes at Olivia's. But that's okay," Rachel said, thinking she sounded nice.

"I'm normal sized and I can't fit into any clothes at Olivia's," Michelle offered.

"Uh...oh, you think you're normal sized?" Rachel asked, knowing she was sounding mean.

"Excuse me?" Michelle asked.

"Anyway..." Monica said, immediately.

"I was so scared. I mean, the guy was huge. Six feet tall and scary and...and he had a beard and a mustache and-and-the pipe...he had a pipe." Ross said.

"Then why can't we call the police?" Ellie asked.

"Because...it...he...Rachel's right. It was a probably a prostitute or a hobo," Ross said. Rachel was trying to comfort Ross but something seemed off. Something strange. That girl had money. Ross lost money….but that made no sense. Ross didn't want them calling the police? Something didn't add up.

That night though, Rachel could not worry about Ross. She was at a party. Mindy was having a birthday party and her parents dropped her off and told her to be good. She smiled and nodded as she went inside and went in search of Chip. Mindy immediately grabbed her arm as soon as Rachel walked in the front door.

"Chip is here. He is talking to Sharon," Mindy said.

"Slut," Rachel said.

"You look like a nun," Nancy said approaching them. Rachel looked at her outfit. She was wearing her favorite Guess jeans, pink jellies and pink, off the shoulder sweater.

"What?" Rachel said.

"You do look a little buttoned up. My older sister has a beaded top crop you could wear," Mindy said.

"I-"

"Do you want Chip or not?" Nancy asked.

"I do," Rachel said.

"You'll change back into your regular clothes when your parents pick you up," Mindy said. Rachel wasn't quite sure it was the best idea but she went with Mindy into Mindy's older sister's room and soon emerged wearing a very tight, black, beaded crop top and tight black mini skirt. She was still wearing the pink jellies. She felt strange being this exposed and all eyes were on her as she walked through the party with Nancy and Mindy although it did occur to her that they were wearing outfits similar to the one she had arrived in. She felt really exposed and her heart was beating rapidly. She wanted to be in the pantry with Monica eating Twinkies but this is where she was, this is where she belonged.

"Hey, Rach," Chip walked towards her and gently put his arm around her.

"Hey, Chip," Rachel said.

"You look hot."

"Hmm," Rachel tried as he removed his arm and grabbed her hand. They walked off towards Mindy's pool house which was away from the party. She started to get very nervous.

"Hey, so you look pretty," Chip said as they sat side by side.

"Yeah. Thanks. Should we go back to the rest of the party?" Rachel asked.

"I wanna stay here."

"Okay," Rachel said.

"Is it true that you did it with like two different guys at camp when you were like eleven?"

"Who told you that?"

"Sharon. She said it was this one guy named Luke and this other guy who had a weird name who put peanut butter in your bed and you knocked out his girlfriend," Chip said.

"No. No...i kissed Luke, but we didn't do anything else and the guy with the weird name, Chandler? I didn't like him very much. He was funny but no….and I didn't knock out his girlfriend."

"No, that...no..." Rachel said, wondering why Sharon would say that?

"Why did she say that?" Chip asked.

"I don't know."

"I think you're cute."

"Thank you."

"Can I ask you something?" Chip asked.

"Yes."

"Can I touch your boob? I this naked lady in one of my dad's magazines and I'm curious what a boob feels like 'cause I've never touched one."

Rachel opened her mouth and closed it. She wanted to say no, every part of her wanted to run but instead she sat there and nodded. She closed her eyes as she felt Chip's hand cup her breasts and squish them in his hand.

"So?" Rachel asked, hoping he'd be done soon.

"Cool, that's awesome. So now what?" Chip asked when he was done.

"I don't know."

"We can make out?"

"Okay..." Rachel said, although she wasn't sure she wanted to make out.

Rachel smiled as Chip leaned in and kissed her. He was a good kisser, like Luke had been but there was a huge part of her that wanted to run out of the pool house. She wanted to run somewhere. She could hear that Chandler guy's voice in her head, calling her a coyote. She could almost see herself running off an animated cliff. Chip's hands kept touching her, he kept awkwardly running his hands up and down her body. Luke never touched any part of body other than maybe her shoulders. This was getting a little too close to comfort and she wanted him to stop, she wanted him to stop so badly but if she said no, if she said no then what would happen? Would it matter? He already thought that she had sex twice and that had been far from true. Suddenly, she heard voices and shouting behind her. Chip and Rachel stopped kissing and turned to see practically the entire party standing there, cheering them on. Rachel's breath got caught in her throat as she stood up.

"You are a slut," Nancy grinned as Rachel raced out of the pool house and towards Mindy's house. She could hear people still cheering as she ran into one of the bathrooms and slammed the door shut. She sat on the toilet and began crying. She wanted to call someone, anyone but who? Amy wouldn't be sixteen until November. Jill was only nine but she had to call someone. She wanted to leave. There was a knock at the door.

"Go away," Rachel said.

"It's Mindy and Sharon," Mindy said.

"I'm never speaking to you again, Sharon," Rachel cried.

"I'm sorry, let us in," Sharon said. Rachel walked to the bathroom door and opened it slowly. Mindy and Sharon walked in and shut the door behind them.

"I hate you, Sharon. Why would you tell Chip that? Why did you tell him I had sex? I have not had sex. Not even once and you told him I did it twice," Rachel said, "why? And you were hitting on him in school and you know I like him and-"

"I'm sorry," Sharon said.

"And...okay, you guys make fun of Monica Geller but she would never do that to me. Never," Rachel said.

"Yeah, but she's a cow," Sharon said.

"I'm gonna punch you," Rachel said.

"Rachel, look, okay...it's going to be okay," Mindy said, "but you got what you wanted? Chip likes you."

"He likes you more than me," Sharon said.

"Because you told him I was a slut," Rachel said.

"You let him feel you up. We all saw it," Sharon said.

"Well, he asked to touch my boob," Rachel said.

"And?" Mindy asked.

"I didn't wanna be mean," Rachel said.

Mindy and Sharon just stared at her, confused. Mindy shook her head.

"Look, why don't you get back into your regular clothes. You looked super cute," Mindy said.

"I did," Rachel said.

"And then we'll go back to the party," Mindy said.

"No. I'm not going back to the party. I will change and then stay here for the rest of the night until my parents come to pick me up," Rachel said.

"It's my birthday," Mindy said.

"Sharon messed it up," Rachel said.

"So did you, a little." Mindy said.

"I am sorry. I really am," Sharon said.

"Are you girls my friends?" Rachel asked.

"Of course," Mindy said.

"What are you talking about? We're best friends," Sharon said.

"Then we need to be nicer to each other," Rachel said.

"I'm really sorry," Sharon said.

"Me too," Rachel said as she and Sharon exchanged a hug. Although, there was a huge part of her that did not forgive her at all but maybe she needed to keep Sharon close. She needed Sharon just like she needed Nancy. It was just easier. Rachel did change back into the outfit she arrived in and cleaned herself up. She took a deep breath and returned to the party. Chip was at her side, grabbing her hand and soon she was surrounded. People wanted to talk to her which she liked and she did ultimately get Chip even though he felt her up.


	5. Chapter 5

**February 1983-May 1983**

A few nights later, she was in the Geller pantry with Monica eating Twinkies. She lived for those moments. She felt so comfortable. She would not tell Monica about what happened at Mindy's party and she would just forget it happened. She got Chip. Monica was going over her Bat Mitzvah guest list next month. Monica did not want to invite Sharon or Nancy or Mindy but Rachel knew that would be a mistake.

"They will come," Rachel said.

"I don't want them to come. They're mean."

"They're not mean, they're my best friends and your friends are meaner," Rachel said although she wasn't quite sure how much she truly believed that. She also never felt quite right calling those girls her best friends.

"You called us all fat."

"We were in public."

"We were in my house," Monica said.

"Look, okay...they are going to come."

"Fine...fine...okay, but you're still sitting at my table. I want you to sit at my table."

"No, no...I can't. That's breaking the rules."

"Rachel, it's my Bat Mitzvah. When it's yours...am I not going to be at your table?"

"No, because it's the rules."

"I don't know if I like the rules anymore," Monica said.

"It's the only way we can be friends," Rachel said. She hated the rules too even though she knew she was the one who created them. Monica had to be her secret friend. That was just how it had to go. There was too much that could go wrong, too many people that would be upset. She hoped one day Monica would understand.

"Hmmm, what about when you get married. Will I be able to sit at your table then?"

"Maybe."

"You'll still sit at my table when I get married."

"Monica, come on...it's just...I-"

"I know. I won't sit you at my table," Monica said, letting out a sigh.

"Don't be mad...it's just...it's-"

"It's fine, Rach," Monica said. Rachel knew she had hurt Monica's feelings and she hated that. She hated that she couldn't just be Monica's friend and that there were all these strings attached to everything. She wished she could change everything, make everything okay.

When she got home that night, she retreated to her room and grabbed a stack of fashion magazines from under her bed. She walked to her desk and grabbed a sketch pad and pencils that she had bought with the money she had made from Olivia's. She looked at the magazines and began drawing. It was something new, something she loved that she had just begun doing and something she kept very secret. She told no one but copying the dresses she saw in the magazines and adding her own touches, she loved that. It felt comfortable. She was in her element. As she finished one drawing, she flipped to another page and saw a very pretty crushed red velvet gown. She saw Monica in her head immediately and on a blank page sketched a picture of her friend wearing that gown, she made it an empire waist so it was flowy and not too tight. She smiled at work, imagining what it would be like to see her wear that dress maybe to her Bat Mitzvah. She shook her head, that would be ridiculous. That would mean showing her drawings in public and that would be social suicide.

Rachel loved Monica's Bat Mitzvah as Monica had planned it herself. Monica's mother had tried to help but Monica said no. She had made the invitations look like menus and had the theme be food from all over the world. It was amazing. Every single part of the Bat Mitzvah amazed Rachel. She loved how confident her friend was, how willing she was to put herself out there. After the terrific service, Rachel walked into the party with her parents and Amy and Jill. Monica walked towards them to greet them wearing a tight one shouldered dress. Rachel thought of the dress she had sketched for Monica and thought how she liked the dress she had sketched more but she would never say that. Instead she hugged Monica and told her how fantastic she looked. Monica pointed out her parents to Leonard and Sandra and then walked Jill towards a table with younger cousins of the Gellers. Monica then pointed out a table of older teenage cousins for Amy to hang with and then when the girls were standing by themselves, Monica looked at her sadly.

"You're not sitting at my table, like you wanted," Monica said.

"I'm sorry."

"I understand."

"Do you?"

"No."

Monica hugged Rachel and walked off. Rachel turned and walked towards the table she was sitting at with Mindy, Sharon and Nancy. She kept looking over at Monica's table and she felt jealous. Monica was laughing with Laurie, Ellie and Michelle. She wanted to be there.

It wasn't her idea. They were dancing, doing the traditional Jewish dance where everyone dances around in a circle around the person being celebrated while they are being lifted up in a chair. It's always such fun. Rachel was excited for her Bat Mitzvah for that reason, that and the money for presents.

It took about nine men to lift Monica up in the chair. It looked almost painful. Nancy kept laughing and Rachel almost wanted to cry.

"That is so sad," Nancy said.

"Not tonight, Nance," Rachel said but Nancy couldn't hear her over the music and suddenly began mooing as loud as she could and soon there was a chorus of moos. Mindy was next to Rachel and nudged her and Rachel let out a "moo" as well and then looked towards her parents. Her father was staring angrily at her.

"Drop the cow," Nancy screamed.

"Drop the cow," Mindy screamed.

Monica's eyes filled with tears while she stared at the girls screaming at her. Rachel stood silently, saying nothing. She stared at the ground and let out a loud moo before she stepped back and as she walked towards the door, she felt her father grab her arm and march her outside the room. He grabbed a chair by the door and walked down an empty hall. He sat on the chair and immediately pulled Rachel across his knee where he spanked her.

"No, don't spank me, I don't wanna get a spanking, please," Rachel cried, praying no one saw them.

"Why did you moo, Monica?" Leonard asked.

"I didn't moo her, it wasn't me," Rachel cried as he father continued to spank her, "I didn't do it. It wasn't me."

"Stop lying. I saw you do it," Leonard said as he smacked her bottom.

"I didn't do it, it wasn't-it wasn't-" Rachel dissolved into tears as her dad continued. When he was finally done, he stood her up as she cried. She noticed her mom standing there as well.

"Honey, that wasn't okay," Sandra said.

"But….you don't understand. I didn't want to but then…." Rachel was crying more as Sandra knelt down in front of her and looked at her.

"Sweetie, you have to learn to say no," Sandra said.

"If I do, they'll hate me," Rachel said.

"It's gotta be easier than this," Sandra said. Rachel let out a cry and turned to her dad.

"I'm sorry I'm so mean," Rachel said as Leonard let out a sigh.

"You're not mean. You're just not hanging out with the right kids," Leonard said.

"I'm gonna go find Monica," Rachel said.

"Okay….and you're grounded for the whole weekend," Leonard said.

"Okay….can I still work at Olivia's?" Rachel asked.

"Let her, Leonard," Sandra said.

"Yes," Leonard said.

"Okay, then I'll be grounded," Rachel said as she hugged her parents and walked to the room where the party was. She stopped, took a deep breath and wiped the tears away from her face before entering the room. She walked across the floor and out the sliding glass door where she saw Monica sitting and talking to her parents.

"Mr. and Mrs. Geller? Can I talk to Monica?" Rachel asked.

Jack and Judy nodded as they hugged Monica before getting up and walking back into the party hall. Monica still sat, staring at Rachel. Rachel walked towards Monica and sat next to her.

"I...you're my best friend, Monica and I'm sorry I'm mean to you. It's not me. I just...I...I wanna be popular because if you're popular people remember you for good things. I..." Rachel was rambling but she didn't know what else to say. She did contemplate telling Monica that she just got a spanking for being mean to her but she was too embarrassed.

"I agree with that boy," Monica said, ignoring Rachel.

"Which boy?"

"The boy who put peanut butter in your bed. You deserved it."

"How do you know?" Rachel asked.

"I'm sure you did something mean."

"Monica...I wanna...I'm not mean. I'm not. I wasn't mean to that loser-"

"How do you know he's a loser?"

"Because who does that? Monica, I'm not mean. I'm really not a bad person...I'm...I'm..."

Rachel looked at her hands as Monica raised an eyebrow and looked at her. She seemed on the verge of tears again when Mindy, Nancy and Sharon stomped outside. Rachel immediately gasped as she stood up.

"What are you doing with the cow?" Nancy asked.

"Nothing," Rachel said as she walked to Nancy, Mindy and Sharon who were all glaring at Monica. "But.. maybe 'cause it's Monica's Bat Mitzvah, we should not make fun of her. Give her a night off?"

Rachel was shaking as she asked that. She wasn't cold, but every single part of her was shaking. Sharon, Nancy and Mindy let out annoyed sighs and walked back into the party. Rachel smiled at Monica and followed them in.

"Oh, look there's Geek Geller," Sharon said, pointing to Ross who was sitting with his friend Will talking about something.

"Ha, maybe someone should go mug him," Nancy said.

"Guys...not tonight. Let's lay off the Gellers for tonight," Rachel said.

"Why do you like them, they're so weird," Mindy said.

"I bet you and Geek Geller will get married," Nancy said.

"I'm not marrying Geek-Ross," Rachel said as the chords to "I've Been Waiting for a Girl Like You" began to play. Rachel always liked this song.

"I'll give you twenty bucks if you go up to Geek Geller and ask him to dance," Nancy said.

"Fine," Rachel said. She walked towards Ross and Will and looked at Ross. "Ross, will you dance with me?"

"Yeah, okay," Ross said as he got up. She smiled at him, he was only fourteen but he already towered over her. They stepped onto the floor. Ross' hands on her waist and her hands on his shoulders and about six inches of space between them. "So...why did you ask me to dance?"

"'Cause I wanted to," Rachel said.

"Did you lose a bet?" Ross asked.

"No...I-I made one."

"Really? How much?"

"Twenty bucks," Rachel said.

"Hmmmm….can I have half?" Ross asked.

"No," Rachel said, laughing.

"That's not fair."

"It's totally fair."

"I got mugged."

"Meh," Rachel said.

"Very nice."

"I like this song," Rachel said.

"Me too."

Rachel felt so comfortable dancing with Ross, his arms around her felt strangely nice.

"So your Bat Mitzvah is in two months," Ross said.

"Yep."

"Will you dance with me?"

"Depends. How much will you pay me?"

Ross laughed as did she. Everything else just seemed to melt away from them. It was just them and the music.

"The song is about to end and I'm gonna be really disgusted that I had to do this so don't be mad, okay," Rachel said.

"Got it. That'll be ten bucks."

"I'm not giving you my money."

"Ten bucks."

"Five."

"I want half."

"Fine, ten bucks," Rachel said as the two continued to dance along to the music and then when it ended, as if on cue, Rachel stepped back and looked really disgusted and walked towards Mindy, Sharon and Nancy. Nancy looked upset and walked back to her chair. Rachel followed and Nancy got her purse. She took two ten dollar bills out of her purse and handed the money to Rachel.

"You just took my allowance for the last two weeks, I hope you're happy."

"I really am," Rachel said before turning and walking towards Ross. She nodded and he got up and walked towards her and she handed him his half. He smiled and the two immediately parted ways. Rachel was grinning as she realized it was the easiest twenty bucks she had ever made.

She hadn't meant for anyone to see her drawings, but she had been in her room that Saturday after work drawing when Sophie, her nanny walked into her bedroom with a sandwich. Sophie had been their caterer for awhile and now was splitting her time between the Green house and another family with a boy who was in eighth grade. Rachel liked Sophie, she was sweet and she remembered when Sophie brought her son to a New Years party once.

"I made you tuna," Sophie said, walking into her room with a plate.

"Thank you," Rachel said.

"What are you working on?"

"Oh, nothing….these are bad."

Sophie looked at a dress that Rachel had been drawing. It had been a dress she thought of wearing to her own Bat Mitzvah if she had the chance. She wasn't sure she would though.

"That's pretty good. You should make these outfits," Sophie said.

"No, no, no...that would be...I mean, and then...what label would I put on it? No."

Sophie gently stroked Rachel's back and walked out of the room as Rachel continued. She would keep the designs private, that's how they were meant to be.

That Monday, Rachel approached Monica at her locker. She wanted to be public friends with Monica. She had spoken with Nancy, Mindy and Sharon and she told them that she still wanted to be friends with Monica and she could be friends with more than one person.

"Are you supposed to be speaking with me in a public place?" Monica asked.

"I talked with Nancy, Mindy and Sharon after your Bat Mitzvah. I said that you're my secret best friend and that even though I'm still gonna eat lunch with them, I'm not gonna be mean to you in public. I felt bad and I got in trouble with my mom and dad. I'm sorry, Monica. I still wanna hang out. It's just...well..."

"It's fine, Rachel. You danced with my brother, though."

"Nancy dared me. Nancy said she'd give me twenty bucks if I did."

"Oh," Monica said.

"I felt bad because he had been mugged," Rachel said, not wanting to tell Monica how much she had actually enjoyed it.

"Okay," Monica said when Mindy yelled out Rachel's name from down the hall. Rachel turned to look at Mindy and immediately ran off to join them. She would be nice to Monica in public now….she wanted to be although there were still rules she needed to follow.

After school that day, Sophie was waiting for her and her sisters. She had snacks waiting for them. Amy grabbed her snack and walked to her room. Jill sat at the table, happlily munching carrots sticks and crackers and just as Rachel sat down, Sophie told her to go to her room.

"I didn't do anything," Rachel said.

"I got you something. I talked to your mom. It's something for your Bat Mitzvah," Sophie said.

Rachel walked to her room and her eyes widened. On her bed was a sewing machine, thread, fabric and a book on how to sew. She immediately raced downstairs.

"You bought me a sewing machine?" Rachel asked.

"Your mom did. She gave me the money to buy it and the other stuff. I told her you were drawing clothes and we felt you should make them," Sophie said.

"Really?" Rachel asked.

"Will you make me an outfit?" Jill asked.

"No," Rachel said.

"Why not? I just turned ten."

"Then you should make your own stuff," Rachel said before looking at Sophie, "thank you."

Rachel walked back to her room and grabbed the machine. She grabbed her pad and looked at it. Using the book to guide her, she put the thread in the machine and very slowly began to put together her outfit. She was amazed at how relaxing it was. It felt so peaceful. She didn't have to worry about saying the right thing or doing anything right or wrong. She was just her. It felt wonderful. It took her two months to make her Bat Mitzvah dress. It was emerald green, one shoulder and with a satin flower. It was the perfect dress to mark her thirteenth birthday, her entry into being a teenager. Her Bat Mitzvah went perfectly. Her theme was fashion and all the tables were different designers and Nancy, Sharon and Mindy did not tease her or make mean comments. Monica looked pretty as well and everyone commented on her dress. She wondered if she could be a fashion designer or maybe work in fashion. That would be cool. The best part of the whole night was when Chip approached her, wanting to dance with her. Ever since that night at Mindy's party, she and Chip had been having a very awkward and strange relationship. They talked to each other and saw each other in the halls and she was stunned when he said he was coming to her Bat Mitzvah but there he was, asking her to dance. They danced the way she had danced with Ross at Monica's but something didn't feel quite right, it didn't feel as comfortable.

"So you made your dress?" Chip asked.

"Yeah."

"Are you poor?" Chip asked.

"No. No...I just thought it would be fun. Maybe I'll be a fashion designer."

"Why would you wanna do that?"

"It seems like it would be a cool job...or something in fashion...or opening my own store. I could call it, 'Rachel!' with an exclamation point because if I have my own store, I'll be really excited about it."

"That's dumb."

"Why?"

"'Cause….you're too hot to work. I bet you're gonna be a hot housewife."

"Oh? Reading your dad's magazines again?" Rachel asked.

"I like you, Rach,"

"I like you too."

They continued to dance until the song was over and she decided to walk around from table to table. She walked towards her parents sitting with Judy and Jack Geller and had the grin plastered on her face.

"Hey, Mister and Missus Geller," Rachel said.

"Hello, honey….I love your dress," Judy said.

"Thank you," Rachel said.

"She made it herself. It's such a cute hobby. She's going to be a fantastic wife someday," Sandra said.

"Well, can I be a wife that's like a fashion designer?" Rachel asked.

Sandra smiled at Rachel and squeezed her hand before turning back to talk more with Jack and Judy. Rachel let that sink in, maybe in her world fashion was a hobby. It could be a fun hobby. She walked back to her table with Mindy, Sharon and Nancy and sat with them. She looked around her party, it was nice but she looked over at a nearby table where Ross and Monica were sitting and she felt like she wanted to sit there but she knew better. There seemed to be rules in her world as well, contracts that mirrored the friendship contract that she had given Monica once and she wondered if she could ever veer from them but if she did, she'd probably upset people and that was the one thing she did not want to ever do.


	6. Chapter 6

**October 1984**

It was a fall day in New York, the leaves were changing colors, the weather was getting cooler and a now fourteen year old Rachel was in her favorite place, Olivia's. It was a slow day and Rachel was getting nervous. The fall formal was coming up, it was their first official dance as high school freshmen and she was desperate to go and desperate to go with Chip. Ever since seventh grade, Rachel and Chip had an on again, off again relationship. It was the epitome of intense. They would date for three or four weeks and then have a fight and break up for a few weeks and then get back together. Chip often made out with other girls and Rachel would get mad but then forgive him and now with the fall formal coming up, she wanted to know why he hadn't asked yet. She was on the phone with Monica, not quite paying attention to the store.

"It's just...why hasn't he called?" Rachel asked.

"I don't know Rach. Why don't you ask him out?" Monica asked.

"I am not that pathetic." Rachel said.

"No guy asked me."

"Well, yeah...okay, but Monica..."

"Why don't you come with Ellie, Laurie and I?"

"Ugh," Rachel said, not wanting to do that.

"Well, okay...you can ditch us when you get there and no one has to know you came with us," Monica said.

"Well, yeah," Rachel said, not really paying attention to what Monica said. High school was coming with many changes. Her sister, Amy, was a high school senior and between the two of them, they were practically ruling Lincoln High. She loved this popularity. She loved that she could do what she wanted and people still wanted to be near her. "Oh, G-d...it's just...wait, oh call waiting," Rachel said as she clicked over. "Olivia's. Rachel speaking."

"Hey, Rachel. It's Chip. Your mom said that you were working."

"Yeah, I am."

"It's so cute."

"What?"

"Girls that work."

"Oh...well...okay...um...so, what's up Chip?" Rachel asked as she turned around and around in her chair. She kept twirling the phone cord around her fingers.

"Well, the Fall Formal is coming up."

"I know."

"Do you wanna go with me?"

"Yeah."

"Cool and don't worry, I totally didn't ask Nancy," Chip said.

"I wasn't worried."

Rachel giggled as they continued to talk on the phone. She loved to listen to him talk. He talked a lot about himself which she didn't mind. He had an older brother who was at Berkeley in California and according to Chip smoked a hell of a lot of pot. She lost track of how long she was on the phone with him but soon a weird feeling seemed to wash over her as she looked around the store. She felt creeped out and she wasn't sure why. She noticed something strange by a rack of clothes by the door. It looked liked some tulle skirts were missing but she didn't remember selling any tulle skirts. She felt like someone had just socked her in the stomach.

"Um, Chip. Can I call you back?"

"Sure, baby," Chip cooed but Rachel hung up, she began walking around the store and noticing more and more that clothes were missing. A lot of clothes were missing. She began hyperventilating.

"Oh my G-d, oh my G-d, oh my G-d…..nooooooo," Rachel said, loudly. "Oh G-d."

"Rachel, what are you-what the hell happened?" Olivia asked, walking into the store and looking around. The place looked liked it had been picked over and well. Rachel could barely speak as Olivia walked towards the counter and placed her coffee down. Rachel watched in horror as her aunt began doing an inventory. Tears began streaming down Rachel's face as she was shaking.

"Why were you not watching my store?" Olivia asked.

"I was, I was."

"Were you on the phone?" Olivia asked.

"No."

"Rachel."

"I wasn't. I-I-"

"You're fired….I can't have you here anymore," Olivia said.

"No, I'm sorry," Rachel said.

"They cleaned me out….while you were here and I'm assuming on the phone."

"I wasn't on the phone. I don't wanna be fired...please, I'm your niece."

"This is my business. Rachel...I have to call your parents."

"Nooooooo," Rachel said as Olivia picked up the phone and called Sandra and Leonard Green.

Rachel's heart began beating faster and faster as she watched Olivia talking to her parents. Rachel knew she was in a whole of trouble now. She was terrified. When Olivia hung up, Rachel watched as Olivia continued to take note of what was taken. She couldn't move, feeling like she was in a haze. Her life as she knew it was over, completely. All she could do was cry and when Leonard and Sandra arrived at Olivia's, she cried more.

"How did you let the store get robbed?" Leonard asked, staring at her.

"I don't know. I was on the phone…." Rachel sobbed.

"I thought you said you weren't on the phone," Olivia said.

"I don't know anything anymore," Rachel said.

"Olivia, go easy on her. She's only fourteen, she doesn't know anything," Sandra said as she walked towards Olivia. Olivia was Sandra's older sister.

"Oh my G-d, Sandra. You have to stop. You let that child get away with everything. Your child has cost me nine hundred and eighty three dollars. I was robbed of nine hundred and eighty three dollars while she was on the goddamned phone," Olivia said.

"She's still only fourteen years old. Give her a break," Sandra asked.

"You're raising a liar," Olivia said.

"That's not meeeee….I'm not...lying," Rachel said.

"We will write you a check," Leonard said as he grabbed his checkbook and walked over to the counter and began to write a check. Rachel was still crying as Sandra walked over to Rachel and comforted her.

"Honey, it's going to be okay. It will be," Sandra said.

"Why do you do that? She is irresponsible and spoiled and just cost us close to a grand. It is not okay, when are you going to grow up," Leonard said.

"I'm only fourteen," Rachel managed to squeak out and still kept on crying while Sandra, Olivia and Leonard continued to assess the damage to the store. She wanted to go home. She wanted to run somewhere, but she wasn't sure where.

When they finally got home, the yelling continued. Leonard and Sandra yelling at each other, Leonard yelling at Rachel. Rachel trying to compose herself. She was grounded, she knew that. She would not be allowed to go to the dance. In the midst of all that yelling, the phone rang and Leonard Green picked it up. It was Monica. Leonard handed the phone to Rachel as her dad warned her that she had five minutes. Rachel walked out of the kitchen and into the living room.

"It got robbed. Olivia's got robbed," Rachel said between sobs.

"Oh my G-d," Monica said.

"I'm in so much trouble and I can't go to the dance. I'm grounded."

"I'm sorry."

"Rachel, get off the phone!" Leonard screamed.

"It hasn't been five minutes!" Rachel yelled back.

"Get off the goddamned phone!"

"Fuck you!" Rachel screamed and then let out a gasp, realizing. "Oh, G-d."

"What did you say to me?" Leonard asked, walking towards her.

"Nothing."

Leonard grabbed the phone and hung up and grabbed Rachel and began spanking her. She was still crying as he spanked her. She was in hysterics. When he was done, she was immediately sent to her room. Rachel ran to her room and slammed the door shut behind her. She curled up on her bed, still crying. She wanted to leave, she wanted to run somewhere. She hated her house, she hated Long Island. She wanted to be someone else. She did not leave her room all night on Saturday and Sunday, she woke up with a headache but refused to leave her room. She didn't want to move from her bed and when her dad opened the door, she wanted him to leave.

"Rachel?" Leonard walked towards her bed and sat down.

"I'm fourteen. I was left alone in a store while it was being robbed. I was on the phone and I'm sorry. I loved working there, though," Rachel said, choosing her words.

"I know and I am sorry I got so mad at you last night."

"Am I still grounded?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry I cussed at you."

"I know. Look, I love you a lot. You are a good kid and I think you'll do good things."

"I wanna be left alone," Rachel said.

"Alright...do you want Sophie to bring you something to eat?" Leonard asked.

"Yeah." Rachel said.

Leonard got up and walked out of her room and left her alone. She was still feeling so sad. Her head was pounding and every single part of her was in pain. Soon Sophie walked upstairs with eieven year old Jill right behind her. Sophie had chocolate chip pancakes.

"Hey, you up?" Sophie asked as Rachel sat up. Sophie put the tray of pancakes in front of her.

"Mom and dad were yelling a lot last night," Jill said, sitting on her bed.

"I'm sure," Rachel said, eating her pancakes. "These are good."

"You're gonna be okay. Chip isn't the boy for you anyway," Sophie said.

"He's sweet," Rachel said.

"He's stupid," Jill said.

"I'm stupid. I should have watched the store. I should have...done something else. I don't know," Rachel said.

"You're not stupid. I like you more than Amy," Jill said.

"I heard that," Amy said, walking into Rachel's room and sitting on Rachel's bed as well. Sophie smiled and walked out of the room, closing the door behind her.

"I wonder what I'm gonna tell Chip. I'm tired," Rachel said.

"Well, everyone knows," Amy said.

"What?" Rachel asked.

"Yeah, Amy was on the phone a lot last night," Jill said.

"Great. Thanks," Rachel said.

"You are welcome. I have told people you were held at gunpoint," Amy said.

"I wasn't held at gunpoint," Rachel said.

"And you fought a valiant fight against your attackers," Amy said.

"You kicked them in the nuts," Jill said.

"I like that," Amy said.

"None of that is true," Rachel said.

"Doesn't matter," Amy said. "It is now."

"Hmmm...do you ever wonder what it will be like when we're out of Long Island. I feel like I'm trapped," Rachel said.

"Why would anyone wanna leave Long Island?" Amy asked

"Yeah," Rachel said, feeling sad. She still felt horrible. She ate her pancakes and still lay in her room. She didn't even answer the phone. It didn't matter who called although it seemed by Monday morning, the robbery story took on a life of it's own. It had gone from Rachel not paying attention to her being pistol whipped and attacked and she had somehow kicked and punched her attackers. Rachel did not do anything to stop the stories. She knew Monica thought they were ridiculous, but she didn't care. It added more layers to her already amazing reputation. She was now getting a reputation as someone who could kick ass. That was pretty awesome to her.

The night of the Fall Formal was depressing. She was upset that Monica had decided to go and she knew that Chip was going to hook up with someone. She lay on her bed when Sandra appeared in her bedroom.

"Ross Geller is on the phone," Sandra asked. "He's asking if you wanna come over and watch a movie and when Monica gets back from the dance, you can have a sleepover."

"I thought I was grounded."

"You are but I know you won't get in trouble with Geller's. I'll take you."

"Won't Dad get mad?"

"I'll deal with your Dad," Sandra said. Rachel smiled and nodded, she got up and followed her mom out of the house. Rachel was looking forward to hanging out with Ross, which she didn't think would be possible.

Ross was waiting for her when she arrived. He had ordered pizza and he and Rachel sat on the couch, eating pizza with the television on although neither one were watching all that much.

"So how are you?" Ross asked.

"I've been better," Rachel said.

"Did you really kick the robber guy in the nuts?" Ross asked.

"No."

"I couldn't see that."

"You never know….no, I was on the phone and when I was not looking, someone came in and ripped off the store and I got in a lot of trouble and now Chip is at the formal probably making out with Nancy or Mindy….or Sharon."

"Aren't those your best friends?"

"I guess...although, between us….I don't like them that much. I like Monica. I think she's my only real friend."

"What am I?"

"Ross. You're just Ross."

"I could be your friend."

"Maybe. I just...I feel….I don't know….l feel like I'm pretending a lot. That I'm lying a lot. I feel like everyone has this idea of who I am and I don't even know who I am."

"I get that."

"Can we watch a movie?" Rachel asked.

"Sure, what's your favorite and I'll see if I have it," Ross said, getting up.

"Terms of Endearment," Rachel said.

Ross sat back down and stared at her, "no, it's not."

"Yes, it is."

"No, no...no ones favorite movie is Terms of Endearment. You want to say that so people think you're deep. What's your actual favorite movie?"

Rachel smiled, "I-okay-I really liked Airplane."

"There you go."

"How do you know I'm not lying?"

"'Cause I thought you were lying before although I'm not sure why you had to lie in the first place."

"Well...'cause Airplane-"

"Is a great movie."

"It is."

"Then why can't you say that's your favorite movie?" Ross asked.

"Because...I've built up this persona, you know and the persona that I've built up wouldn't consider Airplane her favorite movie. I don't expect you to understand. You don't care what people think. I do, Ross and I want everyone to be happy and I want to please everyone and not get anyone upset which doesn't really work and I treat your sister like shit and I hate that because she's the bestest friend ever and I just...I don't know how to be myself and maybe that's why I'm always lying and saying that it's not me because I don't know who me is and everyone else seems to know."

"Well, figure out who you wanna be and if they don't like it, forget them."

"I don't know."

"Also, if Chip really cheats on you tonight then he is the world's biggest jerk. Who would cheat on you?"

"What?"

"Who would cheat on you? You're too nice."

"You think I'm nice?"

"I think you're very nice. Anyone who gets as emotional as you do about everything….and worries this much...yeah, you're nice."

"Thanks, Ross. You're nice too."

"I try."

"You know, on Monday, I'm gonna have to ignore you at school."

"I understand."

"No, you don't."

"No, I don't."

Rachel smiled at him as Ross stood up and walked towards the stack of movies and picked up Airplane and showed it to her. She smiled happily as he put in the VCR. He sat back down next to her as they began watching the movie. They talked throughout the movie and Rachel loved how easy it was to talk to him. She laughed with him and found him to be really smart.

The movie was almost over when Monica got home. They both jumped when she walked in and made her presence known.

"Hi, Mon. I...I...well, Ross invited me over to watch a movie and my parents gave me a reprieve for the night and said I could sleep here. I hope that's okay."

"That's fine," Monica said.

"How was the dance? Did you see Chip?" Rachel asked and watched Monica's face for a sign. Monica seemed nervous as she looked over at Ross who suddenly got up and walked towards the television, shutting it off.

"You know, I'm gonna go to bed. I'll-I'll see you in the morning," Ross said, quickly before rushing out of the room without even looking at Rachel or Monica. Rachel was confused watching him but instead just looked at Monica, so happy to see her.

"Pantry session?" Rachel asked, getting up. Monica nodded and followed Rachel into the kitchen. The two girls grabbed a box of Twinkies and sat cross legged in the pantry. They opened the box and began to share, eating them.

"What happened?" Monica asked.

"I was really depressed about everything and Ross called to ask how I was and then he invited me over and I guess my parents are fine with me being here...just nowhere else and we talked...a lot."

"Do you like my brother?"

Rachel cringed. No, no she didn't like Ross. Did she like Ross? No, she didn't. She did not.

"Ewww, no. He's my friend. He's...he made me feel good."

"I'm really sorry about the robbery."

"It's okay. How was Chip?"

"He...he was occupied."

Rachel grinned and raised an eyebrow, getting it immediately.

"With who? Nancy or Mindy," Rachel said.

"Nancy. You-how-huh?"

Rachel shook her head. She really did not like those girls.

"Monica, come on, look...Mindy and Nancy aren't real friends. They're my public friends. You're my friend."

"The one that you can't be seen with in public?"

"Exactly. You're kind of friend that matters."

That was true, something she had been thinking a lot about in the last few days.

"I am?"

"Monica, yeah."

"Then why can't I be seen with you in public?"

"I have a reputation," Rachel said. It sounded awful to say that. It wasn't true. She thought about her conversation with Ross. She had to lie, hide things so that people didn't see who she really was.

"Hmmm," Monica said.

"I'll get Chip. He doesn't like Nancy. She's a slut."

"And you don't like my brother?" Monica asked.

"No, no...never like that. It was just nice to have someone listen."

"'Cause if ever did go out with my brother...that be kinda cool."

"No, no...that will never happen. Ever. I'm going to marry Chip, so he can do whatever he wants...including Nancy...and at the end of the day, he will be my husband. How was the dance?"

"It was okay."

Rachel nodded and continued to talk but her mind began to wander. She began to think about Ross, about Chip, about her friendship with Monica. She wondered about truth and lies, what was her truth? Who was Rachel? She didn't quite know, she knew she didn't want to upset more people. She would never confront Nancy, she didin't want to confront anyone...well, maybe expect for the person that robbed Olivia's.


	7. Chapter 7

**August-October 1986**

Chip and Rachel were standing in a bedroom in a house in Queens, New York. It was a final, end of summer party before the start of junior year and Rachel was now sixteen. It was a large house that a friend of Chip's brother lived in. The family that lived in the home was apparently was known for their legendary parties. They were a large Italian family. Rachel had briefly met one of the guys who lived in the house, his name was Joey. She didn't speak to him too much because he was too busy trying to hook up with some blonde girl whose name Rachel didn't bother learning but the blonde did have very large boobs. Chip and Rachel were back together as a couple. They were determined to make it work this time. Chip had told her about the party and a large group went together. There was booze at this party and Rachel drank. She had never drank too much before but now she was drinking, a lot. The booze was making her feel rather frisky and maybe that's how she and Chip ended up in one of the bedrooms. The bedroom belonged to Joey, she could tell by all the Knicks posters and pictures of models and movie posters. Apparently, he was an actor of some sort. Rachel paid no attention. She was focusing on Chip.

"I'm glad we're back together," Chip said as he walked towards her. Rachel smiled as he kissed her and pulled him into her. He began to pull at her top, pulling it off. Rachel looked at him.

"I don't know if this is a good idea," Rachel whispered.

"Come on, Rach….you've done this twice already," Chip said.

Rachel let out a sigh. It didn't matter how many times Rachel told Chip that she did not hook up with two different guys when she was eleven, he just didn't want to believe her which confused her.

"I'm still a virgin."

"Sure, you are," Chip said, grinning. "I want this and I think we're ready for this."

"Really?" Rachel asked, unsure.

"Yes, I love you. I love you more than Nancy or Sharon or Mindy. You know that. You're my girl."

"You love me?"

"I really totally think we're ready for this. Don't you?"

"Yeah...yes, sure. Okay, yeah. I'm ready. Just nervous," Rachel said as Chip kissed her. She let him take off her top and she proceeded to take his off. The heat between them getting more and more intense as they fell onto the bed. Rachel's heart was racing as he took off her shorts and continued kissing her. It felt strange and there was a part of her that wanted him to stop but didn't think that would be a good idea. Nancy had told her once that you couldn't tell a guy to stop once he started getting excited because then he'd be mad so she would let him continue. Soon they were both naked and he was hovering over her, still kissing her.

"Oh, wait….um...don't you have to have a condom or something like to protect you?" Rachel asked.

"No, silly...don't worry, you won't get pregnant the first time you have sex and besides I'll pull out really fast," Chip said.

"Okay?"

"I think we're ready. I do. We're in a good place. We've been back together for a whole month. That's a record for us."

"Yeah, okay," Rachel said as Chip entered her. She let out a gasp as he gyrated back and forth. It hurt a bit, but Chip seemed to know what he was doing. She was safe and hopefully not pregnant.

After they had sex, they lay side by side naked on that boy's bed. Chip held her and suddenly tears filled her eyes. She wished at once she could take it all back. She wished she could turn back. She started to get a very bad feeling in the pit of her stomach, something not quite right.

It was the beginning of October now and Rachel's initial feelings were correct. She had felt sick and was now sitting in her bathroom staring at a pregnancy test, hoping that if she stared at it long enough, that positive sign would turn into a negative sign. It wouldn't though. She was definitely pregnant, she had already taken five tests. She started to cry. She couldn't tell her parents. Her dad would probably throw her out of the house. She couldn't tell Chip. Chip would dump her and they had actually gone three months without a break up. She thought about Jill and Amy. Jill was just thirteen, Amy would be nineteen next month. Amy was an adult, maybe she could help. Maybe she would know what to do. She had to leave the bathroom, but she couldn't. Tears kept falling, she hadn't even wanted to have sex. Chip wanted to have sex. She needed to tell someone, maybe Monica? They still did their Twinkie Talks but now that they were both sixteen and Monica was too big for the two of them to sit comfortably in her pantry, they drove to an abandoned drive in movie theater to talk.

There were weird rumors all over school about Rachel and she had heard them all. There was one strange one that she was a hermaphrodite which she just thought was ridiculous. Although it did make her a little upset that when she and Chip had had sex, he muttered how happy he was that she didn't actually have a penis. She wanted to leave at that moment, in retrospect maybe she should have. The other was that she was indeed pregnant. She wasn't sure how that got started. She didn't tell anyone but she had been gaining weight. She had been wearing looser clothes but she tried to block it out. It was supposed to be her year. She was on the varsity cheerleading squad, dating the quarterback and was the most popular girl in school. It didn't matter what rumor there was, it just made her more popular.

She needed to talk to Monica. Monica would get it, she hoped. She walked into Scoops after school the next day and walked over to Monica's table. She was sitting with Laurie, Laurie's boyfriend, Will and Ellie. They were eating their ice cream, talking, chatting, laughing. Rachel wanted to throw up all over their happiness. She cautiously approached the table and suddenly they were all looking at her.

"Hey, Mon," Rachel said, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Hi, Rachel. You alright?" Monica asked.

"Are you eating for two?" Ellie asked.

"What?" Rachel asked, suddenly standing up a little straighter. She started to feel nervous.

"Two genitalia?" Will asked, grinning.

"Sounds like a band," Laurie said.

"Monica, are you gonna be around later?" Rachel asked, ignoring them.

"Yeah." Monica said.

"Good, can we talk?" Rachel asked.

"Sure. Are you alright?" Monica asked.

"Yeah. I just need to talk to you. Like in about an hour or so? I'll bring the Twinkies?" Rachel asked.

"Okay. Usual spot?"

"Yeah. Hi, Ellie, Laurie and Will. I hope it's okay if I steal Monica for a bit," Rachel said.

"Yeah, we don't like her," Ellie said.

"Hey," Monica said.

"Just joking," Ellie said.

Rachel simply nodded and walked off and out of Scoops. She got into her brand new Mercedes that she had gotten for her sixteenth birthday and drove off. She could not stop crying and was not sure what she was going to do. If she kept her baby, she would no clue what to do and it seemed too painful to give a child up for adoption and in order to give a child up for adoption, she needed to carry the baby to term and the idea of being eight, nine months pregnant by the end of junior year would kill her. People already thought she was a slut, that would confirm it.

She was sitting in her car in the drive in, crying and munching on a Twinkie as she was waiting for Monica. She was not ready to be a mother, she was only sixteen. She had no idea what to do with her own life let alone someone else's. Rachel jumped when she heard a knocking on her window. It was Monica and Rachel reached over to let her in. Once Monica sat in the passenger's side, Rachel handed her a Twinkie.

"Rach, what's her wrong?"

"Just stuff...sorry, I took you away from your friends."

"That's fine. Are you okay?"

"Um, yeah...so Will and Laurie. They seem like a cute couple."

"Yeah. They're cute."

"Have they slept together yet?" Rachel asked although she wasn't sure why she asked that.

"Rachel."

"I've heard a rumor that Laurie and Will did it in the equipment closet after gym once," Rachel said.

"No. No. Laurie has not given her flower to anyone as far as I know."

Rachel cringed. She had forgotten that Monica called it that. This was a mistake.

"Please stop calling it that."

"It's symbolic."

"No, it's not."

"Yes, it is. Virginity is like a flower, a special, wonderful gift and you should only give that gift away to your husband."

Rachel shook her head and looked over at Monica, raising an eyebrow. She took a deep breath. This was a mistake. Sex is a gift? No sex before marriage?

"Wait, you don't think girls should have sex before marriage?" Rachel asked.

"No, of course not. You should only have sex when you're married. Have you and Chip..."

"No...well, I've..."

"Rachel, you don't want to have sex. If you got pregnant, your life would be over."

"It would be?" Rachel asked, although knew Monica was right. She definitely could not tell Monica she was pregnant.

"Oh, it would be destroyed."

"Yeah...oh, I hadn't even thought about that."

Rachel grabbed another Twinkie from the box and wiped a tear from her face. Her life would definitely over. She could not have a child.

"Rachel, are you pregnant?" Monica asked.

"No, no. I was just...thinking...I lied, I did have sex with Chip about two months ago but it hasn't happened since. I think...I think I'm gonna break up with him."

"You has sex with Chip? Rachel."

"Don't...please. Please?" Rachel asked, practically pleading with her. Monica was already judging her. It would be worse if she told her. No, she could never tell Monica.

"There's a rumor going around that you're pregnant."

"Just a rumor. I would tell you. I'm just upset that Chip...things are weird with Chip. So what about you? Any boyfriends?"

"No, of course not."

"Well...don't worry about it. They're not worth your time," Rachel said as took a bite of her Twinkie. She continued to stare out her windshield. In front of her was the giant projection screen that used to show all sorts of movies. Rachel loved this spot."Wouldn't it be great if life was like the movies?"

"Huh?"

"Everything is always wrapped up in this happy, neat package. Happy endings. Everything ends the way it's supposed to. No surprises. Nothing shocking. Simple stories with predictable endings and...wouldn't it be great if that's how life was?"

"No. 'Cause that would be boring. The movies are great and all, but I don't know...the real world definitely does suck sometimes, but I like it."

"Monica, you drive a station wagon because it makes you think of a family you don't have yet."

"No, but I will. I don't know when. That's what makes it so amazing. I don't know when any of this will happen. I don't know what my future husband is doing right now. I hope he's thinking of me. I hope he's driving a family friendly car."

"I doubt it."

"Well...I'm planning so when it happens, I'll be excited. I don't want the movie life. I want real life. For all it sucks, I want real life."

"Real life is highly overrated."

"Seriously, Rach. What's wrong? You seem really upset?"

"I'm fine...I just...I don't feel well."

"Let's get you some soup. I know this place that makes this amazing Matzah ball soup. You'll feel better in no time."

"Yeah. Yeah, soup...that will take care of it. Soup. That's what I need. Soup."

"I'll drive. Follow me."

Monica got out of Rachel's car and hopped into her own. Rachel followed Monica still crying. She wished soup would help. She wished she could be like Monica, that innocent, that sweet. She didn't even want to have sex. She didn't even like Mindy, Sharon and Nancy yet why couldn't she just stop? Why couldn't she have said no to Chip or why couldn't she just stop hanging out with people she didn't like?

That weekend, Rachel drove to Amy's apartment building. Amy was currently a sophomore at Stony Brook University in Stony Brook, New York. Leonard Green had bought Amy a luxury apartment nearby because she did not want to live in the dorms or in a sorority house with sixty other girls. Rachel found a spot and was let into the building by someone walking out. She took the elevator up to Amy's apartment and knocked. When Amy opened the door, she looked concerned.

"Rachel?"

"I need help."

"Get in here," Amy said, ushering her in. Rachel walked into the apartment and sat on the couch, Amy sat by her, clearly alarmed.

"I'm pregnant."

"What?"

"I'm pregnant. I had sex with Chip. No condom because he said I wouldn't get pregnant and I'm pregnant. I have not said anything to anyone. I haven't told our parents because we both know that wouldn't end well and I think I want to get an abortion but I don't know if I need consent from someone who is eighteen or over. You're eighteen or over."

"Oh, Rach."

"Please do not say a word to any word."

"I won't."

"I'm sixteen. I don't wanna be pregnant and Monica….I'm talking to her and she's all like, don't have sex until marriage and if get pregnant, you'll ruin your life. Bite me, Monicow but she did suggest we get soup so I could fix what was ailing me. It didn't work."

"Well, the Gellers are a weird family. I have been saying that for years."

"I like Monica and Ross. They're sweet and innocent and Monica would never get pregnant. Monica's not a slut….and you know, that's why I can't tell Nancy or Mindy or Sharon...or Chip. They all think I lost my virginity at camp to two different guys right before sixth grade."

"Did you tell them that was wrong?"

"Yes. They did not care….and there's also a rumor and I'm pretty sure Nancy started this but that I am a hermaphrodite."

"Why are you friends with these people?"

"Because….they're people and-and it's important to be friends with people."

"Not all people. Some people are just dumb."

"It's not the point."

"Alright, we will go to an abortion clinic and we will get you an abortion. I had been planning on studying for my psych midterm but this might be more fun," Amy said.

"Oh, sure...yeah, I bet it'll be a real riot."

"Yeah. We haven't really bonded in a long time."

"Sure then maybe after can we just like shoot ourselves in the head."

"I was thinking lunch, but let's see where the day takes us," Amy said as Rachel let out a snort. Amy got up and walked over to her desk to grab the phone book and began looking up places. Rachel let out another sigh, this was not how she had ever planned any weekend.

Amy made most of the arrangements which Rachel appreciated. She was also happy that Amy did not leave her side. Every step, Amy was there, holding her hand which made her question her earlier belief about her older sister which was that Amy was a self absorbed bitch. Throughout the entire procedure, Amy did not leave. Rachel closed her eyes throughout the procedure, crying throughout it. She never expected this to happen in her life, an unplanned pregnancy, and she certainly never imagined an abortion. Everything felt cold and sterile. She knew she was doing the right thing, there was no way she could have a child now. Her life would be destroyed if she did.

After the procedure, Amy and Rachel went for lunch. Rachel wasn't very hungry and just poked at her food. She was still trying to wrap her mind around what she had done. Amy talked about her new boyfriend and school and Rachel tried to listen but she felt like she wanted to crawl under her covers and never emerge.

When she finally made it back home, Sophie was standing in her kitchen washing dishes. She smiled warmly at Rachel as she walked towards the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water.

"Rachel, all your messages are on the counter. You are one popular young lady," Sophie said.

Rachel picked up her stack of messages and walked to the table, plopping herself down. She glanced through them. Chip. Mindy. Nancy. Sharon. She had no desire to speak to any of them. When she reached Monica's message, she felt a bit of happiness.

"Sophie, can I talk to you?"

"Sure, sweetie," Sophie said walking towards her and sitting with her.

"Remember at my Sweet Sixteen when you said that Monica Geller was the only kind of friend that mattered….did you mean that?"

"Yeah. Those other girls you hang out with, they're not good for you."

"But they're popular and Monica gets made fun of and...I don't know."

"Are you okay?"

"I don't know. I am now….I guess. I just don't wanna look back at high school and think I screwed everything up. I didn't even invite Monica to my Sweet Sixteen 'cause I knew they'd be mean to her."

"You're a good girl, Rachel. You're far nicer than I think you want to let on. You care more than I think you let on."

"I don't know...I'm gonna go to my room," Rachel said, standing up and walking out of the kitchen, up the stairs towards her room. She shut the door behind her and curled up on her bed. She had turned sixteen last May and had a party that she hadn't invited Monica too. At the time she thought she was doing the right thing, Monica had never said anything although Rachel wondered if Monica now accepted how things were in their friendship. She hated herself for not inviting her, why was Monica even her friend?

She stayed in her room all weekend, only leaving her room to eat. She didn't return any calls, did not go to any parties and just remained in her room. When asked by her parents or by Jill what was wrong, she made something up, said it was issues with Chip. When she wasn't moping, she was drawing, beautiful gowns, black gowns, red gowns, green ones, it felt so good. She had gotten good at sewing her own clothes but when she was done, she would take one of the expensive labels from the outfits she owned and sew it on to her own outfit. She remembered her Bat Mitzvah when Chip had asked if she was poor because she made her own dress so after that, she decided to cut the labels out of the expensive clothes she owned and put them on her own clothes. By Monday, she decided she needed to be out of her funk. She dressed in her tighter clothes again and walked down the halls, as if nothing had happened. Of course, by the end of the week a new rumor circulated that she had an abortion but she did not care. She would ignore it, the way she had ignored the others. She would even cheerlead at the Homecoming Game which was on Halloween Night and two weeks after she had had the abortion. She had no choice. If she didn't, she felt like that would be admitting the rumor was true.


	8. Chapter 8

**October 1986**

The night of the game, Rachel stood with Mindy and Sharon in their red and white cheerleading outfits. Rachel was stretching and jumping up and down, getting ready for the game. Sharon and Mindy cautiously approached her.

"Hey….are you okay?" Mindy asked.

"Yeah, why?" Rachel asked.

"Well, now there's the rumor that you had an abortion and if that's true, maybe you should sit tonight out," Mindy said.

"Hmmm, well in order to have had an abortion, you had to have been pregnant. I was never pregnant and I never had an abortion," Rachel said.

"Rach, come on….be honest with us. We're your friends," Sharon said.

"You two didn't even want me inviting Monica to my Sweet Sixteen. You guys said if I invited her, you wouldn't come," Rachel said.

"'Cause she's a loser and would probably eat all the food," Sharon said.

"I'm so not in the mood. Leave her alone, please. She did nothing to you guys," Rachel said.

"What is wrong with you?" Mindy asked.

"Nothing," Rachel said.

"Although, speaking of Monicow-"

"-ca. Monica. She's not actually part cow." Rachel said.

"Look at where she's sitting," Sharon said, pointing towards Monica. Rachel cringed a little when she noticed Monica eating and sitting in front of Nancy and four guys. Nancy already seemed to be taunting Monica. The four boys seemed to be whispering and pointing in her direction. One boy in particular caught her eye. He looked strangely familiar and it soon dawned on her as to why. It was Chandler, the boy from camp. He was friends with Nancy?

Soon, she had to concentrate on cheering. She cheered like she was in a daze. Every move, every step, every jump felt robotic. She was going through every motion and everything still hurt, but by the end of the game she felt proud that she had made it. She was beyond happy that she had actually succeeded. She did notice Nancy and those four boys talking and she wondered if she should go and talk to the one that looked familiar, find out how he was friends with Nancy. She noticed one of the guys get up and walk towards her.

"I think you have a fan," Sharon whispered.

"Awww," Rachel said as the guy approached her.

"Hello, hi….are you Rachel?" The guy asked.

"Yeah, have we met?" Rachel asked.

"I'm Tyler...I just wanted to say hello and ask if you could please show me your penis?"

Rachel's face went blank as she heard the other cheerleaders snicker around her. That stupid hermaphrodite rumor, she wanted to hunt down whomever started it and who the hell was this kid? How the hell did he know this rumor? Where the hell was he from?

"Excuse me?" Rachel asked.

"I didn't mean to sound so blunt...I believe in equality and we should love everyone and I feel that-"

Rachel did not let him finish and before really realizing what she was doing, she punched him in the face. Hard. The giggles had turned into gasps and she stormed off. Sharon caught up to her as she walked towards the edge of the field.

"Whoa," Sharon said. "What was that?"

"What is wrong with people? Who started that rumor?"

"I don't know."

"I don't have both parts."

"I know."

"I hate this. I hate this month. I hate...and that stupid troll boy….where the fuck did he come from? I hate people...and I just-" Rachel stopped talking when she noticed the boy from camp approach her. His hair was cut in a bizarre Flock of Seagulls hair style and he looked even weirder than she remembered. "May I help you?" Rachel said.

"Rachel?" Chandler asked.

"Who wants to know?" Rachel asked.

"It's Chandler. We went to camp together."

It was definitely him. But he was friends with Nancy, friends with the guy she just decked. He probably believed it too, believed she had both parts.

"Hmmmm, no. Doesn't ring a bell," Rachel said.

Chandler raised an eyebrow and stared at her. "You're joking, right?"

"No. But...I don't normally hang out with losers. Sorry."

"Hmmmm...so do you still like peanut butter?" Chandler asked.

Rachel let out a grunt as she closed her eyes. He needed to leave and not be an ass.

"G-d, you're weird," Rachel said.

"And you're just real special," Chandler said as he turned to walk off before turning back and yelling, "hey, Coyote...still waiting for you to run off that cliff."

"Screw you, loser. Nice haircut, you look like a jackass," Rachel said before grabbing Sharon's arm and storming off away from Chandler.

"Whoa what was that about?" Sharon asked.

"Nothing," Rachel said.

"Wasn't he that kid from camp? Rach, you gotta be nicer to people."

"Are you fucking kidding me? Because of you, people think I fucked him at camp and they think I fucked Luke."

"I apologized."

"They still believe it and...and okay, let me ask you something, why do you hate Monica Geller. You call her a cow."

"You were the one who invented the nickname, Monicow."

"I was six."

"Rachel, what is going on and don't say nothing."

"I'm just having a bad couple of months."

"Are you pregnant?"

"No."

"Were you?"

"No."

Rachel stood there, still angry, still riding high on adrenaline when Nancy and Mindy walked towards them. Nancy was the last person Rachel wanted to see.

"Hey, there Rocky," Nancy smiled.

"Who were your friends?" Rachel asked.

"The guy you punched was my loser cousin and those were his weirdo boarding school friends. They all go to a boy's boarding school because they all got kicked out of regular school because they're stupid and delinquent."

Rachel thought that seemed odd. She remembered Chandler from camp and he seemed nice, maybe he had changed. She hadn't been lying about his hair.

"Did you tell them I was a hermaphrodite?" Rachel asked.

"Of course not," Nancy said.

"Then how did they know that rumor?" Rachel asked.

"I don't know. I didn't tell them. In fact, I said the rumor wasn't true and I told him he shouldn't approach you but you know….they are not good kids."

"Let's go have dinner. I'll drive. Chip and his friends are waiting for us at Scoops. Let's go," Mindy said. Rachel let out an annoyed sigh as she followed Mindy, Nancy and Sharon off the field and towards Mindy's car. As they walked towards Mindy's car, they noticed a cherry red Corvette parked in the lot. Rachel stared at it as did the others. As the others talked about how awesome it looked, she just kept staring. There was definitely part of her that wanted to know who belonged to that car.

At Scoops, Rachel ate ice cream and was quiet as her friends talked around her. As she listened, Chip sat next to her. He had a big bowl of ice cream.

"Hey, can we talk," Chip said.

"Yeah."

"You punched a guy tonight?" Chip asked.

"I don't have a penis."

"Oh...well, I know that."

"Who started that rumor?"

"I didn't….but I do wanna ask about the rumors. The recent ones...were you pregnant and did you have an abortion?"

Rachel looked at him. She should tell him, tell him the truth but then again there wasn't anything to worry about now.

"No."

"Really? 'Cause Rach-"

"I wasn't pregnant and definitely did not have an abortion."

"Would you tell me?"

"Chip, you're my boyfriend….of course."

"I would hope….it's just, you've been acting strange."

"I'm fine."

Chip gently put his arm around Rachel and gently kissed her on the head. She smiled. She liked this side of Chip, when he comforted her. When he was kind and sweet to her, it was those moments that kept her fighting for the relationship.

"If you did," Chip said, "I'd be there for you."

"Really?"

"If something happened….I wouldn't leave you," Chip said, "and I hope if you were pregnant, you would tell me and if you terminated it…."

"Chip, please. Thank you though and it's really sweet what you're saying, but it's okay and I'm fine. Just going through something."

"Okay."

"But sit with me."

Chip nodded and remained next to her as they both continued to eat their ice cream in silence. She felt better sitting by him, like they were a team. They were a strong team. Chip and Rachel. She had no clue if they would remain together after graduation but as for right now, they were okay.

She couldn't really tell in the dark but as she got closer to her car which was close to Nancy's, she noticed it was covered in something. It was covered in stickiness. Nancy started screaming, her car was covered with mayo, Rachel's was covered with peanut butter and on the windshield even in the dark, she could tell the word COYOTE was etched into the windshield. She screamed and then she noticed as a car peeled out of the lot. She contemplated running after it but instead remained frozen, crying.

"Who the hell did this to my car?" Nancy asked angrily.

"Your fucking cousin and his stupid ass friends," Rachel said.

"What the hell does COYOTE mean?" Chip asked.

"It was the guy from camp, the guy that called you Coyote?" Sharon asked.

"Why did he call you that?" Chip asked.

"Like Wylie Coyote, he wanted me to run off a cliff," Rachel said.

"Wait, you knew that guy? You are such a loser….what did you do to cause this?" Nancy asked.

"Are you fucking kidding me, Nancy? You're the one that told him that I had a penis."

"I didn't tell them that," Nancy said.

"They didn't hear it from me. You were the one sitting next to them, you were talking to them. What did you say to them?" Rachel asked.

"Well, you know...that guy from camp was probably upset you didn't recognize him," Sharon said.

"Shut up, Sharon," Rachel said.

"You know what... you have been such a bitch lately. It's not my fault Chip got you pregnant," Sharon said.

"I'm not pregnant," Rachel said.

"Yeah, not anymore," Sharon said.

"Shut up, just shut up….oh my G-d, shut up, shut up, shut up….all of you. Nancy, you fucking told your cousin that I had a penis. Do not deny it because you did. There is no other way he could have known and he brought his buddies with him to see if I had one. So I punched your cousin when he asked me if I had a penis and as for Chandler, he probably wanted to see if it was true as well and I sincerely doubt that he's some juvenile delinquent as you had said...and also...okay, Sharon I did not fuck Chandler or Luke when I was eleven. I didn't sleep with either one because Chandler was a friend although I just fucked that up and Luke was a goddamned moron….and I am not going to discuss my sex life with any of you because we are all so mean to each other. Monica's name is Monica and unless she suddenly develops a hide and udders, she will never be a cow so stop calling her Monicow. Just everyone shut the fuck up!" Rachel was screaming and everyone was staring at her in stunned silence. She knew she was breaking down. Chip walked towards her and put his arm around her, hugging her.

"Hey, I'm gonna take you home," Chip said.

"My car?" Rachel pointed to it.

"Come back and take care of it in the morning," Chip said as Rachel nodded. The two walked towards Chip's motorcycle. He grabbed a helmet and handed it to Rachel and he put on his own helmet and tore out of the lot. Rachel held onto him, her head resting on his back. She closed her eyes as the cold October air slapped her in the face. When he pulled into her driveway, she got off the bike but Chip grabbed her hand.

"Hey, Rach."

"Yeah."

"Tell me the truth, please. Were you pregnant?"

"It was a false alarm. Don't worry about it."

"But I wanna worry about it. Do you trust me?"

"How many times have you cheated on me?" Rachel asked.

"You're still my favorite girl….how about tomorrow night? Can I come over? We can watch Terms of Endearment," Chip said.

"Okay...actually, Chip...my favorite movie is not Terms of Endearment….it's Airplane. So if you wanna bring a movie, bring Airplane….and maybe Animal House. Bring those," Rachel said and suddenly a look of relief seemed to wash over him.

"Oh, thank G-d. You said your favorite movie was Terms of Endearment."

"I lied."

"Why?"

"'Cause I thought it would make me seem cooler."

"I'm bringing Airplane...and Animal House. I'll see you tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow."

Rachel watched as he rode his bike out of the driveway and disappeared down the street. She walked into her house and back up to her room, shutting the door to her room. She kept thinking of her car and Chandler. She wondered what he was doing, where he was. She wished she could track him down although maybe not. She'd probably hit him.

She fell asleep and in the morning, felt sad all over again. She thought of her car completely covered in peanut butter and the anger washed over her again as she called Monica in hysterics and then took a cab to Lincoln High. Her car was now the only one in the lot and in the light of day, her car looked even worse. Her car was smothered in peanut butter, her windows, windshield, back windows, doors and she could see Coyote written so clearly now and something about seeing it in the light of day made her break down again, she hated Chandler, whereever the hell he was.

"Rachel, what happened?" Monica asked when she and Ross arrived in Monica's station wagon and got out.. Rachel could barely breathe.

"I came back last night and this lunatic put peanut butter on my car and I couldn't drive it home and he put mayo on Nancy's and I came back here this morning and...and I'm-"

She was hysterical all over again. She didn't even want to say his name out loud. She knew who it was...and he was still a lunatic.

"What does coyote mean?" Ross asked.

"I don't know, but it whomever did it is a sick fuck. You hear me, you sick, sick, bastard. I fucking hate you," Rachel screamed, shaking. She didn't want to get into what coyote meant, didn't want to explain anything. She wanted to yell and scream.

"You know, Rach...it's not that big of deal. All we need to do is wash it," Monica said.

"No, you don't get it. I don't need this now. I don't...I don't and then...last night was awful. I had to punch a guy in face because asked if I had penis and-and-then-" Rachel could not stop crying. Ross immediately moved forward to comfort her.

"That guy," Monica said.

"What guy?" Ross asked.

"The guy who asked where Rachel's car was yesterday. What was his name?" Monica asked.

"There was a guy?" Rachel asked.

"Richard. That was his name," Ross asked.

"No, no...I don't think that was his real name. I think was something else. Something weird."

"Chandler," Rachel mumbled.

"Yeah, he sat behind me at the game. I think he's friends with Nancy. Maybe Nancy set this up?" Monica asked.

"No. No, I doubt it," Rachel said and it all made sense. Chandler had asked Monica and Ross where her car was and they had unknowingly pointed it out.

"Did you know the guy? Chandler? He asked where your car was?" Ross asked.

"No, I went to camp with a guy named Chandler once but he died," Rachel said.

"How?" Monica asked.

"Someone killed him."

"Who?" Ross asked.

"Maybe he got up the ass from a rabid coyote," Rachel said.

"Rachel, we'll clean it off," Monica said.

"Not the point. I...it's.."

"Come on, let's get your car clean," Ross said. Monica walked back to her car and opened it, getting all the car cleaners out of her car. Ross walked toward her to help her. As they pulled stuff out, they looked over at Rachel who was staring at COYOTE written on her windshield. Her emotions were all over the place. She was happy, she was sad, she was angry, everything. She hated Chandler and if she ever saw him again, she would get revenge somehow. She blamed him, he made her this upset. He destroyed her car. He had horrible timing and she would get even, somehow.

Monday morning, Rachel approached Sharon, Nancy and Mindy at lunchtime. She placed her tray and the four girls sat silently, not saying a word to each other.

"Look, I'm sorry I snapped this weekend. I….it's been a bad few months and I don't wanna get into it but I'm sorry...and I do think we should be nicer to each other," Rachel said.

"I am sorry I told Tyler and his friends that you had a penis. My car still smells like mayo," Nancy said.

"Mine still smells like peanut butter and if I ever run into that guy again, he'd better watch out. I'm gonna come after him," Rachel said.

"I'd pay to see that," Mindy said.

Rachel smiled as she let out a sigh and continued eating. She would be okay. Definitely. Or at least she'd try….


	9. Chapter 9

February 1987

During the holidays, Rachel made a pact to herself to just pretend like first semester never happened. The last part of 1986 was in the past. She would not discuss the pregnancy, the abortion, her meltdown at Homecoming. If anyone did ask, she would just shrug it off. She went about her school days as if nothing were wrong and during the holidays, went from one party to the next. She did drink a little more at these parties but kept that private as well. After the holidays, she decided to focus on charity work or really, more importantly college. She wanted to get the hell out of Long Island. That was her secret dream. She started to go to the library to find out about colleges. She thought of going to a school like Parsons or the Fashion Institute of Technology in New York City or Pratt in Brooklyn and she could study fashion. She could study merchandising or marketing or design. She imagined herself designing clothes of her own, having her own label. Maybe it could be called, "Green" or "Rachel Karen." She liked that a lot. Designs by Rachel Karen. She practiced writing it down, seeing which signature she liked the best. As she researched though, she found other fashion schools in Los Angeles and Ohio and Savannah, Georgia. She found some in Texas and Chicago and San Francisco and her mind began to wander more. What if it wasn't just Long Island she left, what if it was New York completely?

"Here's another one," Ross said, dropping another book about colleges on the table where Rachel was scouring through them. Ross volunteered in the library and he would often get Rachel books. He plopped down across from her and leafed through one of the many books on schools.

"Ross….would you ever consider leaving New York?"

"Hmm...well, I'll probably be going to NYU next year so no. Do you wanna leave New York?"

"I don't know. Maybe Los Angeles? I can go to the Fashion Institute."

"But you'd miss New York. Wouldn't you miss it here?"

"I would but maybe I could build a whole new life, you know...a life where I'm not a mean girl or a slutty girl or whatever the hell people think of me."

"I don't think you're either one of those things," Ross said.

"You're sweet."

"Hey, can I ask you something? I mean, it's probably none of my business...but are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"I know, it's just last semester-"

"I'm fine."

"There was a rumor-"

"I'm fine. Please, drop it."

"Okay. I don't think you should leave New York," Ross said.

"You don't?"

"No, you belong here. This is your town. They have no weather in Los Angeles and...and I think New York is where you belong," Ross said.

"Really? I don't know….sometimes I think I should go somewhere. I'd love to..do something else. Be away….be someone new."

"You can find yourself here...besides you'd have to drive in L.A. and you're a horrible driver," Ross teased.

Rachel smiled and shook her head as she continued to look through the books. Ross soon left her alone as she continued to browse. Writing down some of the cities that some of the fashion schools were located in, she got up and walked towards the geography section and began pulling out books. What would it be like to live in Los Angeles, walking along the beach in the constant warm sunshine or be amazed by the architecture of Chicago? Or maybe Ross was right….she belonged in New York?

When she got home, she found her mother sitting in the kitchen looking through travel magazines and writing notes down on a pad of paper. Rachel grabbed an apple and a bottle of water from the fridge and sat down with her mom and began looking at the magazines.

"What are doing?"

"Oh, your father and I were talking-"

"Talking not yelling?" Rachel asked, muttering slightly.

"Yes...we were thinking that during Thanksgiving this year, we're going to go to Europe."

"It's only February."

"I know, I know. We're in the planning stages, of course. I have to set up an appointment with the travel agent. So what are you doing, sweetie?"

"I was at the library. Mom, what if I went to college in Los Angeles or San Francisco...or Georgia."

"Why would you do that?"

"They have schools in fashion and I could get out of New York and see the world outside of Long Island. I could go to California and study fashion and-and they have totally different fashion styles there. 'Cause in L.A., it's warm even in the winter….it would be so amazing and then what if I got an internship or a job and I could learn how to make clothing professionally and…."

"Are we still on the fashion thing?"

"I didn't know we got off of it."

"Rachel, honey, it's a great hobby. It is. I so love that you enjoy doing it but it's a hobby."

"It's a hobby?" Rachel asked, her heart breaking a little.

"When you start looking at colleges, it's probably better to stay around here. You're very sweet and kind and I don't know if a big city is good for you and you'll meet the kind of man you should marry around here,"

"So you don't think I'd make it in the city?"

"I don't mean that as a bad thing. You're a people pleaser. You're like me. Look at schools here, trust me. You'll be happier and your major doesn't really matter. You're not going to college for a career."

"I'm not?"

"No. You're going to meet a husband."

"Oh. Okay."

Rachel let that sink in and soon began second guessing herself. What if her mom was right? What if leaving New York would be bad. Maybe she was supposed to live and die in Long Island? Maybe she was where she was supposed to be?

In addition to applying to schools, she figured she'd add volunteering to that list so she tagged along with Monica to work a night at a soup kitchen. She figured she could at least put it on a college application although Monica was clearly more into it than she was. Monica made filet mignon and macaroni and cheese and potatoes and sausage. Rachel was bored. It was unseasonably warm for February and it smelled in the soup kitchen. She was picking at her nails through her latex gloves, not quite helping.

"It is so hot in here. Why doesn't someone turn on the air? It would probably help clear out the smell," Rachel whined.

"Rachel," Monica said as she spooned a helping of mashed potatoes on to a plate.

"What? It's called deodorant...or a shower," Rachel said.

"They're homeless," Monica said through gritted teeth.

"Whatever," Rachel said rolling her eyes.

"Why are you here?" Monica asked.

"Same reason you are, it'll look awesome on a college app."

"That's not why I'm here."

"Oh, it's why I'm here," Rachel said, letting out a sigh. She was not in a good mood. Her emotions really felt all over the place. She was happy one moment, pissed the next. She wasn't sure what was going on. She had been in a fine mood in the morning and then when she had talked to her mother, she was now upset about everything. Maybe volunteering was a mistake, after all she was destined to remain trapped in Long Island.

"Oh my G-d, Lincoln High?" Monica asked. Rachel looked at Monica and then at the four people standing in front of them. There was a tall blonde girl with stringy hair wearing a Lincoln High sweatshirt standing with an older guy and two other skinny looking people that looked to be young as well.

"Uhhhh..." the blonde said.

"Rachel, she went to Lincoln High," Monica said.

"Yeah, cool," Rachel said, letting out a sigh. She really wanted to care but that made her depressed as well. This blonde chick went to Lincoln and was now homeless? That was depressing, maybe she needed to rethink going to college in another state.

"When did you graduate?" Monica asked.

"I-uh...I didn't...this is my um...dad's," the blonde said, reaching for the arm of the older gentleman behind her. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and smiled.

"That's my girl," the man said.

"Oh...well, okay...well, what would you like?" Monica asked

"Uh, does any of this food have meat in it?" The blonde asked which caused a loud, annoyed grunt from Rachel.

"Um...beggars can't be choosers," Rachel muttering, knowing that sounded mean but not caring. She wanted to be anywhere else.

"Rachel. Forget my friend. These dishes right here do not have meat. I made them myself. macaroni and cheese, potatoes au gratin and potatoes with peas and onions...and these are the meat things...sausage and smoked salmon and oh, filet mignon," Monica said.

"Mon, why did you make that?" Rachel asked.

"'Cause Rachel just 'cause you're homeless doesn't mean you can't eat fancy," Monica said, giving food to the blonde girl and her friends. Once they left, Monica turned to glare at Rachel.

"Was that necessary?" Monica asked.

"They're homeless, what the fuck do they care what they eat? They should just be grateful they're getting fed," Rachel said.

"Go wait in my car if this is how you're gonna act. This is important to me," Monica said.

"Oh, no...no, not a chance in hell am I gonna wait your car. In this neighborhood, gross. Ugh. Never been so happy to ride in a Volvo. At least I know you we won't get murdered."

"Rach...come on," Monica said but was soon distracted by serving the homeless people approaching her. Rachel was just not into it. There was a party later, maybe she'd be in a better mood there but she doubted it. Being around these people upset her, being in this neighborhood depressed her. She let out an annoyed sigh and thought of maybe taking a cab away from here but was suddenly distracted a sound. A laughing sound. Rachel looked over and noticed the blonde girl was laughing about something. It was this weird, other wordly sounding laugh that seemed to start from her nose and just sounded so bizarre. Rachel and Monica exchanged a look and smiled at each other.

"Wow," Monica said.

"Yeah, I know," Rachel said.

After all the food had been served, all the servers began mingling and Rachel reluctantly followed Monica to the table with the blonde and her friends. She grabbed her compact out of her pocket and began to look at herself, making sure her make up was okay while Monica socialized.

"Hi, I'm Monica and this is Rachel. We're juniors at Lincoln High. You went to Lincoln High?"

"Uh, yeah..." the older guy said, "A long time...back in...well, I don't wanna age me."

"Oh, ewww...what is wrong with you? Why are you talking to your hand?" Rachel asked, noticing the blonde's skinny friend talking to his hand. What was wrong with people?

"You're a gem," the blonde said.

"Fine. Mon, we have to go," Rachel said, slumping down in her seat.

"You made all this food? It's really good," the blonde said which made Monica smile.

"Yeah. I volunteer here a lot and I thought it would be a nice change of pace to make fancier food and...yeah, so I cooked stuff," Monica grinned.

"Thank you...you seem very sweet," the blonde replied.

"Thanks," Monica said.

"Uh, G-d...we have to go. We have to be back in Long Island in an hour. If we don't show up to Serena Waldorf's party tonight, she is so going to hook up with Chip. That will ruin me," Rachel said. Serena was a new girl at Lincoln High and Rachel hated her. This girl was beautiful, blonde, thin and there was always a possibility Chip would like her. Rachel and Chip were back together but she didn't trust him. He flipped on her so much. G-d, she could not wait to leave.

"Never mind her. She's just upset because Chip like to sleep with other girls when Rachel's not there," Monica said.

"Monica," Rachel said.

"What?" Monica asked, glaring at her. Rachel knew Monica was pissed at her but she didn't care. As she looked at herself in her mirror, she imagined her mother. Her future, she would be a doctor's wife, a lady who lunched, who did nothing but watched soap operas all day although that last part didn't sound so bad. She loved soap operas, the drama, the intensity. She wanted that in her life, but maybe that wasn't the life she was destined to have? She was in the city now, granted it wasn't the greatest part of the city, but still she didn't love it. She needed to stay put, that would probably make everything easier.

Driving back to Long Island, Monica could not stop talking about the group that they had been sitting with. She kept going on and on about the girl's laugh. Rachel stared out the window, it looked like a different world, so different from her Long Island home. Long Island felt comfortable, it was her comfortable prison.

"I've never heard anyone laugh like that. I mean...it was so amazing and she was so happy and-" Monica rambled.

"She was probably on drugs."

"Rach, come on."

"What? She was homeless. She's most likely homeless 'cause she's a drug addict and like she'll probably die of like some virus or whatever because that's what happens when you're a drug addict."

"She like our age and she was with her father."

"I doubt it. I bet it was her pimp. Look, she seems...weird and it's great that you felt all selfless and stuff...but she's a druggie. You will never see her again because drug addicts usually die and if that guy really was her father well that is just pathetic that he couldn't provide a better life for his daughter and that girl...okay fine, she has an awesome laugh but let's get real. Homelessness is something you bring on yourself. She's homeless because of an addiction or something her father is addicted to...they're just lazy."

That's what her father had always told her...

"Wow...you're a horrible person," Monica said.

"I am not. I'm being honest."

"You're honestly horrible."

She really wished people would stop labeling her. Telling her who she was, what she was. She wished she could tell people to stop. She wasn't a bad person. She was doing as she was told.

"I'm not horrible. Really. I'm not. That was an amazing laugh," Rachel said.

"It was."

"I hope she doesn't die of drugs because people who laugh like that should live a long time," Rachel said, smiling a little.

"I'm not sure how to respond to that," Monica said.

"What? People who laugh like that make people happy so they should live a long time and not be addicted to drugs and die."

"Okay, then. I agree, I think," Monica said.

"Although, I don't really buy those stories. The ones she was telling us."

"Why not? You think she was lying?"

"I do," Rachel said.

"Why?"

"Because people who have really gone through serious stuff aren't gonna reveal themselves to stranger in a soup kitchen who is just doing this so it looks good on a college application."

"That's not why I did it Rachel."

"Yeah, well...I just wanna go to this party."

Rachel knew from the moment those homeless people had begun talking that everything they said was bullshit. Monica didn't, Monica was sweet and innocent, far more innocent than she was. Yet Monica would probably end up living in the city, leaving Rachel behind.

"Rachel?"

"What?"

"Last semester...were you pregnant? And did you have an abortion? A lot of people are saying you did-"

"Those people are assholes."

"You'd tell me if you did, right?"

"Of course," Rachel said.

There was a heavy silence in the car, broken only by Rachel reaching down and turning on the radio. Cyndi Lauper's, "True Colors" began filling up the car. She was tempted to change the station but instead stared sadly out the window. She saw it all fade away, the dreams she wasn't meant to have. She almost felt jealous of that homeless girl with the laugh, she got to go somewhere, be part of the world. At the same time, she was also jealous of Monica. Monica was so sweet, she could totally imagine Monica with an amazing husband and kids. She could see herself….stuck. She thought of the abortion, what if that had been her ticket? What if her decision to abort had been the wrong one? Maybe she could have raised a child? She could have gotten a job in a store, raised her child, gotten her GED, maybe aborting her pregnancy had been a mistake?

"Next year gonna be our last year as friends, right?" Monica asked.

"What?" Rachel asked, giving her a look. What was she talking about?

"We're seniors in high school next year and then we go to college. You're never gonna speak to me again...after we graduate?"

"You're being ridiculous."

"Am I?"

"Yes. I just want to go to this party," Rachel said, reaching for her purse and pulling out her make up bag. She flipped down the visor and opened the mirror and turned on the mirror light. She began to reapply make up, this time to the tune of "Walk Like an Egyptian". Rachel thought of what Monica was saying. Would they be friends after graduation? Were they ever really friends? Maybe they wouldn't be friends? Monica would probably go to a college in the city and they would drift apart. Then she'd be alone with fake friends and trying to find her husband. Her head was starting to hurt and she needed to get out of the car. Out of Monica's icky Volvo. "Stop," Rachel said.

Monica looked confused. They were still several blocks from Serena's house, but Monica did as told and pulled over to the side of the road. Rachel grabbed her stuff and got out, looking back in at Monica.

"Sorry, hon...I can't be seen pulling up in a Volvo station wagon. Too embarrassing. I'll see you inside," Rachel said, as she slammed the door shut and walked off. Rachel kept walking and walking until she knew she was completely alone in the darkness. Monica had not driven after her, she wasn't quite sure where Monica was, thinking she would have driven past Rachel or next to her, maybe Monica had taken off. Or not. Rachel stopped and looked up at the sky. She saw an airplane go across the night sky and she wished she could be there. She thought of that stupid boy again, Chandler, with his dumbass pranks. Peanut butter on her car? How dare he? She felt herself wanting to cry again although she wasn't sure why she was so sad, she had made the decision and she had chosen to terminate her pregnancy. It was her decision but it still rocked her, still made her sad. What if that had been her only shot? She kept walking towards Serena's party, she needed to drink and even though she disliked that new girl, Serena, she had heard Serena's parents were pretty lax when it came to underaged drinking.

When she finally reached the party, she walked in and straight towards a table of alcohol. She decided on cranberry and vodka and turned to see Chip already talking with Serena. She sauntered over to them and stepped in between both, grabbing Chip's hand and kissing him.

"Hey, Rach," Chip said. "Drinking?"

"Yep...'cause I can. Not like I'm pregnant," Rachel grinned, ignoring Chip's look. The two walked over to a couch and sat, Rachel putting her legs on his lap.

"You alright?"

"Yeah. I'm fine...Chip, would you ever wanna move out of Long Island?"

"Why would anyone wanna move out of Long Island?"

"There's a whole world out there."

"It's overrated. I got it made, a great job at the movie theater….you love it."

"I do like seeing movies."

"My parents are awesome."

"They're never home."

"I know. It's awesome. I got a great life. I will never leave Long Island."

"Neither will I apparently," Rachel said as she took a big gulp of her drink.

"Good, maybe after high school, we will get married and we don't even have to look for a place. We can live with your parents or mine….it'll be awesome," Chip said, "could you think of a better life?"

"No. No, not at all...sounds positively dreamy," Rachel said as she kept drinking, cup after cup until she could feel the world spinning around her. As she went for her countless cup of vodka and cranberry, Ross appeared in front of her.

"Hey, Green….wanna lighten up on those," Ross smiled. clearly playing with her. Rachel was in no mood.

"Shut up."

"Where's Monica?"

"I don't know."

"Didn't she drive you?"

"I don't know where she is….stop being an idiot and leave me alone," Rachel said as she practically stomped away from him towards Mindy and Sharon.

"You are so wasted," Mindy said.

"Shut up," Rachel said. "I've had a rough few months."

"Well, yeah….'cause you were preggers," Sharon said, grinning.

"I was not pregnant."

"You're not now...that's what abortions are for," Sharon said.

"I had peanut butter on my car from a deranged lunatic. Whatever, he's probably dead anyway."

"You are on fire tonight," Mindy said.

"You know what I realized? We're never getting out of here. We are going to live and die in Long Island. We are going to be housewives and that is it," Rachel said.

"Sounds good to me," Mindy said.

"Same here," Sharon said. Rachel glared at them and turned to find Chip. She found him sitting with Serena perched happily on his lap. She was flirting heavily with him, poking his nose and kissing him. Rachel raised an eyebrow and tried to keep her composure.

"Hey, get the hell off my boyfriend," Rachel said.

"Oh, sorry," Serena said as she got up and walked away. Rachel noticed Chip still staring at Serena so she sat herself down on Chip's lap and kissed him.

"You know Chip, if one day we get married….you are going to have to stop cheating on me," Rachel said.

"Sure, I mean, I haven't cheated on you in at least three weeks," Chip said.

"You were just kissing Serena."

"Ehhh, she's the hostess."

"Oh….okay."

"But you're still my girl," Rachel said as she leaned into kiss Chip more. Their kissing got more and more intense until Rachel heard some shouting. They separated and Rachel locked eyes with Monica who was walking past them. Monica just rolled her eyes and walked out of the room towards the outside.

Rachel turned back to Chip and they continued making out. She stood up and grabbed his hand, leading him to the stairs. They walked up the stairs to a bedroom, still kissing and slowly walked into one of the bedrooms. They could have sex, they hadn't done it since October….or Rachel hadn't...she was pretty sure Chip had probably done something with someone. They fell onto the bed, as the heat intensified between them when suddenly Rachel got scared. She shook her head and pushed Chip off her.

"No, no, no, no...I can't do this Chip. I can't."

"What's going on?"

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry."

"Rachel, what is going on? Are you okay?"

"I don't wanna talk about it."

"Can you tell me truth? You get mad at me for doing crap, you tell me nothing. Why wouldn't you tell me you were pregnant?"

"I wasn't. I really wasn't. You don't have to worry about it anyway."

"Eventually, you're going to have to let someone in."

"Go sleep with Serena more," Rachel said, deadpanned.

"Seriously?"

"Can you get Monica?"

"You'll tell Monicow stuff but not me?"

"Get Monica, please."

"Fine, whatever," Chip said as he got up and walked out of the room. Rachel lay back on the bed and grabbed a pillow, holding it tightly, as she began to cry. Everything felt fuzzy. Soon she felt someone touching her leg and turned to see Monica looking at her. Rachel sat up.

"I'm a really, really bad person."

"No, you're not Rach."

"I am. I did something really, really bad...I am like a coyote. Like the coyote in the cartoon."

"What?"

That Chandler guy, he was right. She was like Wylie Coyote, constantly running off cliffs.

"Nothing. I just...I did something bad."

"Rachel," Monica said.

"I wish I could've done this all different. I wish that...I'm sorry."

Monica smiled as she touched Rachel's hair and gently hugged her.

"It's okay," Monica said.

"Mon, can you promise me something?"

"Anything, what?"

"Never stop being my friend. You're the only one that I have."

"That's not true...you got Nancy and Mindy and-"

"They suck. Promise?"

"I promise. Rachel, I will always be your friend. Always," Monica said as the two girls continued hugging. She hoped she would never lose Monica as her friend. That would kill her, hurt her. The one constant was that Monica would always be there and the other….well, that she would never leave Long Island.


	10. Chapter 10

**November 1987**

She tried to comprehend what her parents were saying. She was sitting in between Amy and Jill on the couch, listening as Leonard and Sandra Green informed the three Green girls that they would be on their own for Thanksgiving because they wanted to travel Europe without them in order to recapture the spark in their marriage.

"Wait...okay, you don't want us going with you….for Thanksgiving?" Rachel asked.

"That's fine with me. John said he wanted to take me to Cabo to celebrate my twentieth birthday and we will celebrate Thanksgiving together," Amy cooed.

"John is thirty years old," Rachel said.

"He's very nice," Sandra said.

"Hey, as long as he's paying," Leonard said.

"What if I dated a thirty year old?" Rachel asked.

"That's silly," Sandra said.

"Yeah, that is what's silly," Rachel said.

"Rachel," Leonard said.

"Oh and I'm okay too, my friend Reese is going to Paris for Thanksgiving with her family and they invited me," Jill said.

"You're fourteen," Rachel said.

"I know, it's amazing."

"Well, what about me? I'm not going to Cabo or Paris or Europe...what am I supposed to do on the holiday where you're supposed to be with your family," Rachel said.

"You'll think of something. You have a lot of friends," Sandra said.

"It is my last year of high school...my last Thanksgiving as a high school student and I'm fending for myself on Thanksgiving," Rachel said.

"Well, we figured that you probably wanted to hang out with your friends," Sandra said, smiling at her. Rachel let out a sigh. This whole thing seemed ridiculous. She would have to find something to do for Thanksgiving now and it just seemed strange that she was the only one who found all of this bizarre.

She met up with Monica later that night to complain about what was happening during Thanksgiving. They ate Twinkies and sat once again in the parking lot of the abandoned drive-thru.

"I mean, it's Thanksgiving so my parents decide...let's not spend it with our children, let's spend it away from them. I mean...you know, if I ever have kids-" Rachel said, taking a quick breath "if-if I ever have kids...I will never let them be neglected on Thanksgiving. My goodness and of course, Amy doesn't care 'cause she's twenty and is going to go to Cabo with her thirty year old boyfriend which no one finds a little odd that my sister is dating a thirty year old."

"What about Jill?" Monica asked.

"Oh, Jill. No, no. Jill has plans. Her friend, Reese...is spending Thanksgiving in Paris with her family and invited Jill so Jill is going there. Does anyone find any of this weird?"

"I kinda do."

"Oh, Mon."

"You'll spend Thanksgiving with the Gellers. My brother is coming back and he's bringing his roommate."

Rachel let that sink in. Ross was now a freshman in college. That could work. College boys were cute. If Amy could date older, so could she.

"Really? What's the roommates name? Is he cute?"

"I don't know. He seems like a bit of a mess. His name is Chandler," Monica said.

"Chandler?" Rachel asked, it couldn't be. Could it? It wasn't really a common name. She had never met anyone else named Chandler.

"Yeah. You know him?"

Rachel gave Monica a look. She had to know it was the same guy. It had to be the same guy.

"Well, the guy who covered my car in peanut butter was named, Chandler."

"We don't know that for sure."

"Alright...the guy who I went to camp with, who put peanut butter in my bed...Chandler."

"I'm sure it's not the same guy. It's a common name."

"Not really."

Rachel wondered why Monica so badly wanted this guy at Thanksgiving. Although it would be weird if Chandler ended up as Ross' roommate, but she did not want to be in the same room as him. She wanted to be nowhere near him.

"He has no where to go on Thanksgiving and neither do you, so if it is the same person...put aside your hatred for Thanksgiving."

"I'll try. If it's the same guy...he was such a dick. So entitled and just ugh..."

She would go to Monica's for Thanksgiving. Fine, she needed to go somewhere and it would be kinda cool to see Ross again and Chandler wouldn't be such an ass to her in the Geller home. He would be on her turf, on Geller turf. Maybe he'd be on his best behavior? If he wasn't, she might be tempted to stuff a turkey up his ass.

Thanksgiving arrived and there she was, in the Geller home. She hated that she had to be there. She hated that her entire family was not only out of town but out of the country. Although, she did have her house to herself for an entire weekend so maybe if this evening went south, she could throw a party. A big ass party. She had already told Chip, Nancy, Mindy and Sharon that she was home alone all Thanksgiving weekend and she knew she could count on them to get the word out.

She knew it was Chandler from the moment she saw him. Ross and Monica were talking to their parents and he was standing there with his ugly Flock of Seagulls haircut that she had to restrain herself from ripping off his head. She would keep her cool though, she would take the high road and pretend she had never met him before. Maybe that would make it a clean slate….or not.

"Nice to meet you. I'm Rachel."

"Are you kidding me?" Chandler asked.

"Have we met before? You look familiar."

"Wow...you really are just special," Chandler said.

"Thank you," Rachel grinned, knowing he was insulting her and knowing she was pissing him off.

"So how's your car? Get all the peanut butter off?"

Rachel glared at him, "screw you, loser."

"Right back at you, coyote," Chandler said.

Rachel let out a snort as she turned on her heel and stormed off towards the kitchen. She just hated him, truly, truly hated him. He covered her car, he tormented her in her darkest hours. Okay, maybe he didn't know it was her darkest hour but that wasn't the point. Monica appeared in the kitchen.

"Are you okay?" Monica asked.

"Yeah, yes...I'm fine...it's just that guy."

"Is that The Chandler?" Monica asked.

Rachel cocked her head to the side and stared at Monica. Monica was not that dumb. Maybe this was a set up? She wasn't sure but this evening was going to no doubt suck.

"I don't wanna talk about it," Rachel said. "I have to call...I have...I'll be right back," Rachel said, walking out of the kitchen and towards the living room. She picked up the phone and dialed Sharon's number. Sharon picked up.

"Hey, what's up?" Sharon asked.

"Can I come over?" Rachel asked.

"What's going on?"

"Chandler is here. I'm at the Geller Thanksgiving and that ass is here. He's Ross' roommate."

"What are the chances?"

"I can't be in the same room as him. He is a horrible person and the only thing that would make this Thanksgiving amazing would be like if someone cut off his dick or something."

"Wow."

"He's just not nice and...and what is his obsession with peanut butter? Is it like a fetish? Think of another prank, you alcoholic moron."

"Okay, okay….if you want, you can come over. Let me know if you change your mind but regardless, there will be a party at your house that will go all weekend. Look forward to that," Sharon said.

"Alright," Rachel said as she hung up. She decided to make another call, this time to Chip. When he picked up, she told him that he needed to come over after his Thanksgiving dinner. They could spend the night together. That would be nice, to sleep together and wake up in each other's arms.

She took a deep breath and saw Chandler and Monica talking about something. Monica actually looked like she was giggling and flirting with him. That seemed bizarre, but she didn't particularly care anymore. She would leave. "Mon, I have to talk to you. It's so important," Rachel said as she looked straight at Monica, purposely ignoring Chandler.

"Hey, Monica...do you know how to make peanut butter cookies. Those would be amazing," Chandler said.

"Oh, I know how but Rachel hates peanut butter," Monica said.

"Really. Why, Rachel? Why?" Chandler asked.

"I just do," Rachel said, holding her emotions back. She didn't want to have to punch him on Thanksgiving, that just didn't seem to be in the holiday spirit.

"When we were juniors, someone put peanut butter all over her car. It was so funny," Monica said.

Rachel was taken aback by that remark, how could Monica possibly find that funny?

"Monica, it was not funny," Rachel said, before glaring at Chandler, "it was obviously the work of a severely sick and disturbed individual."

"Must have been," Chandler said.

"Do you two know each other?" Monica asked.

She must be playing dumb, Rachel figured. She knew that this was a possibility. Chandler is not a common name.

"No, we've never met. I just can smell a loser from a mile away."

"Are you sure that's not your perfume?" Chandler asked.

"Go to hell," Rachel said.

"You first," Chandler said, taking a drink.

"Monica, come on...I need to talk to you," Rachel said, grabbing Monica's arm and pulling her off towards the couch and the two sat side by side.

"I have to go."

"What?"

"I have to go. I cannot be here. Chip is gonna come over and we're gonna-"

"Rachel, you have to stay. How do you know Chandler?"

Rachel let out an annoyed sigh. She had to bite her tongue because she didn't want to call Monica an idiot but she was very tempted to do so.

"He...he's the guy from camp. Okay, he's the one that put peanut butter in bed and on my car and he's the one...he...he is a pompous, arrogant, entitled asshole who will probably and really should die alone."

"Rachel, it's Thanksgiving. He has nowhere to go and neither do you. Put aside your hatred for him for one night. I'm sure he's not that bad and...and Ross said he's really funny and he seems...he's kinda cute."

"Yeah, if you consider Sloth from the Goonies cute. He looks like a butt."

"He does not and Ross said Chandler likes movies. He probably likes the Goonies and he looks nothing like Sloth. He's got really pretty eyes and he has a cute smile...with cute dimples and-"

"Oh my G-d. You're in love with Sloth."

And it made sense….Monica wasn't playing dumb, she was crushing on Chandler. That's why she wanted him at Thanksgiving. She thought he was actually cute.

"I am not. I'm just...you have to give people a chance."

"Some people aren't worth a chance."

"Rachel."

Rachel let out an annoyed sigh and looked over at Chandler and Ross talking to each other. Chandler was drinking a jack and coke. Rachel shook her head and stood up.

"Fine, I will be nice to Sloth."

"Well...that's all I ask."

Monica said as Rachel walked off. She walked towards Ross and Chandler and glared angrily at Chandler.

"Hi, princess," Chandler said.

"Hi, asshole," Rachel said as she poured herself a coke.

"You know, Rachel you look very pretty tonight," Ross said.

"Thank you," Rachel said.

"Yeah, you look like someone who should be working a street corner," Chandler said. Rachel shook her head and just glared at him.

"Hmmm, I'd say something but I bet a prostitute wouldn't even touch you," Rachel said, walking away from him. She walked towards the couch and soon enough Ross was near her.

"Hey...so you and my roommate hate each other?" Ross asked.

"What was your first clue?" Rachel asked.

"He's actually an okay guy."

"Whatever."

"Well….yeah, so...what are you doing for the rest of Thanksgiving break?"

"I don't know."

"Well, I'm home. Maybe we can do something."

"Maybe."

Rachel walked away from him. Being near Chandler put her in a bad mood. She hated being at a table with him, hated hearing his voice, hated every single part of him. She hated that he wouldn't even eat Thanksgiving food, like he felt like he was too good for Thanksgiving food. She could not wait to leave, to be with Chip. She could not wait to enjoy the rest of her holiday because this was not enjoyable.

Soon, she finally had her chance. She was about to leave. Chip was waiting for her but as she was putting on her jacket, Monica suddenly raced out of the kitchen and up the stairs to her room. She noticed Jack and Judy Geller exchange looks and Rachel walked up the stairs to Monica's room. The door was shut.

"Mon?" Rachel asked, knocking on her door.

"Go away, Rachel."

Rachel opened the door and walked over to her bed. She sat next to Monica.

"What happened?" Rachel asked.

"Chandler called me fat."

"To your face?"

"No. I overheard him talking to Ross."

"He's an asshole, Monica. He is just...he's a prick."

"But Rach...I keep thinking...I've never had a boyfriend and I mean...I've never even been kissed and I liked him. Chandler. I mean, he seemed nice...maybe somewhere inside he could be nice...he seemed like...sad and I could be there-"

"Mon."

"What?"

"You don't have to fix everyone."

Monica gave her a confused look. Rachel knew how badly Monica wanted to fix people but some people couldn't be fixed and she could see Chandler as being one of those people.

"Yes, I do."

"No, you don't. Fix yourself, first."

"What do you mean? I'm not broken," Monica said.

Rachel gave Monica a weak smile and gave her a hug. The fact that Monica wanted a guy like Chandler concerned her. He seemed way too broken but Monica always seemed to want to be friends with the broken, with the people that did not treat her well. Why was Monica still friends with her?

"I am a horrible, horrible friend to you. Why do you keep wanting to be my friend?"

"'Cause...'cause I want to...'cause..."

"'Cause you wanna fix me...and I love you so much and you are one of my favorite people and I don't have a lot of people who I can honestly call one of my best friends but fixing other people isn't gonna make you happy. Fix yourself first. Chandler is not worth fixing. He's awful and cruel and I'm pretty sure an alcoholic. Who does that? Pours themselves a Jack and Coke at their roommates parents house when they're clearly underage...you're better than him."

Rachel hoped her words hit Monica. She had a feeling Monica felt she needed to be fixed as well. It was the same with that homeless girl at the soup kitchen, Monica wanted to take care of everyone and Rachel wondered why.

"I have to go," Rachel said, suddenly. "I have to go have sex with Chip. He said that he will last a whole song this time."

"Use protection," Monica said.

Rachel gave her a look and walked out the door and down the stairs. As she walked out of the house, she saw Chandler walking to his car as well. The two exchanged a look as they both neared the driver's side of their respective cars.

"You got the peanut butter off?" Chandler asked.

"Yes, I did."

"Do you really not remember me?"

"You don't matter," Rachel said, opening her door.

"You're ridiculous."

"You're an asshole," Rachel said, getting in her car and driving off. She kept driving until she reached her house and saw Chip waiting for her on his bike. She walked towards him and kissed him. They walked into the house where they continued kissing. Rachel was alone in the house, they didn't need to be discreet and this time they definitely used protection. She loved being with Chip. He made her feel special, happy, sweet. She forgot about everything else when she was with him and he spent the night which was even better. She had never woken up in the arms of anyone before. Chips arms tightly around her waist, kissing her neck, running his fingers up and down her body.

The party kept on going all Thanksgiving weekend. Friends started to pour into her house that Friday and no one left. Sharon, Mindy and Nancy practically lived in her house, they went through bottle after bottle of booze and ordered a lot of pizza. It became the party house. She had contemplated inviting Monica but decided against it. Monica would judge or invite Chandler so she kept the party to herself. The music pounded through the house, you could hear down the street and there were empty bottles of booze and pizza boxes littering the entire house.

Very early Sunday morning, Rachel was woken up by the sound of a ringing phone. Her head was pounding as she rolled over and grabbed it.

"Hel-hello," Rachel groaned.

"What the hell is going on at our house?" Leonard screamed from the other end.

"What?" Rachel asked, sitting up straight.

"I just got a call at the hotel from Cal Markson, you know the chief of the Long Island Police Department, and he said he has gotten complaints of loud music and underaged drinking coming from our house and he doesn't want to come over because then he will have to arrest you."

"Nothing is going on," Rachel said.

"Rachel," Leonard said.

"Honey, look….this is why we don't want you going to college in the city or Los Angeles. You're not responsible," Sandra said.

"Oh, there is not a chance in hell you're going to college anywhere but in Long Island," Leonard said.

"Exactly, you need stay around here, marry a doctor and he can take care of you. You can't take care of yourself," Sandra said.

"I want the place spotless and if I get one more call…" Leonard said, sounding very upset.

"Fine," Rachel said, almost a little sad but not because of the mess. She hung up with her parents and looked around, Chip was lying naked next to her and there were people everywhere. She dialed another number and soon Monica picked up. "Mon."

"Rachel, it's six am on a Sunday morning."

"Yeah, can you come over….and bringing cleaning supplies? You love cleaning so I have a project for you."

"What's the project?"

"I've had a two day rager at my house without my parents and they just called and the place is a mess and-"

"So you want me to come over and clean up after a party I wasn't invited to?"

"It sounds bad when you say it."

"Pay me," Monica said. Rachel's eyes widened as she looked at the phone.

"Excuse me?"

"If I'm going to go to your house and clean after a party that you didn't even think to include me in after I had you spend Thanksgiving with my family, then I want a payment."

"Wow," Rachel said but instead of being angry, she was actually a little impressed. She liked this side of Monica, the fighting back side. "Okay, come over."

"Fine, everyone needs to be out of the house by the time I get there. I'm not going to deal with Mindy, Sharon and Nancy calling me names while I clean."

"Alright, everyone will be gone."

Rachel hung up and got everyone out of the house, even Chip. The place did truly look like a disaster and when Monica finally came by with her cleaning supplies, she went to work without saying much of a word to Rachel. Rachel knew Monica was pissed at her so she didn't try to fight or say much. At the end, of course, it was completely spotless, completely perfect, completely clean and Rachel kept her end of the bargain as well. She paid Monica with some of the money she had and she took her to dinner.

After dinner that late Sunday night, when they got back to the house, Monica instructed her to get a bag for school and a bag to spend the night.

"Why?" Rachel asked.

"Here's the thing….you said I don't need to fix everyone. You're right, I don't need to….I want to and clearly you being alone in a giant house is not really a great idea. So get your stuff ready, you're spending the night."

"I'll be fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Thanks, Mon," Rachel said as she hugged Monica and watched as she got into her car and drove off. Rachel walked back into her house which was now clean and dark. She turned on the television and lay on the couch. She felt sad, recalling what her parents had said. She would never leave Long Island.


	11. Chapter 11

**December 1987**

He was cheating on her….again. As the first semester of their last year of school came to a close, Rachel was hearing rumors that Chip was hooking up with another girl in their class, Samantha Milano. It was definitely annoying but with her days at Lincoln High being numbered, she was starting to look ahead. Her parents had made the decision for her, they would pay for her to go to college in Long Island which of course put an end to her dreams of fashion design and/or marketing because there weren't a lot of schools in Long Island that offered that and it didn't seem to be her parents plans for her. Although while she did not have control over her college options, maybe she could have control over who she dated and maybe she could date a college boy who lived in the city which is why she was tempted to take Ross up on his offer on going to a college party right before winter break.

"Come, it will be fun," Ross said over the phone as Rachel sat in her bedroom, legs up on her desk.

"I have a boyfriend….even though he slept with Samantha Milano."

"So let me ask you something, in the years that you've dated Chip Matthews….how many times has he cheated on you?"

"I don't know. I don't keep track."

"Why are you dating him?"

"Because….he's cute and sweet and likes me."

"There will be a huge party this weekend….Monica is coming, it will be fun."

"Will Chandler be there?"

"Probably yes."

"Ugh, gross. I don't wanna...ugh…"

"He has a girlfriend, Lizzie."

"Lizzie?" Rachel asked, if she could recall, Chandler's camp girlfriend was Lizzie.

"Yes."

"How does a loser like that get to be in a serious, committed, stable relationship and I get...Chip Matthews?"

"I don't think it's stable. Lizzie and I spend a lot of time cleaning up after him. He gets wasted a lot," Ross said.

"Lovely. You know, he sounds like he has a drinking problem."

"He does….but he really is a good guy. Maybe one day you two will be friends. I actually think you two would make a good team. You both like movies, you both pull amazing pranks, you're both funny. I could actually see you two being very good friends."

"In order for that to happen, hell would have to freeze over….pigs would have to fly and like monkeys would like explode into shiny pieces of monkey bacon," Rachel mused which made Ross laugh.

"Alright, alright. You and Chandler will never be friends."

"Ever."

Ross continued to laugh at Rachel as she let out an annoyed sigh. She would go to the college party at Ross' school. It could be fun and maybe she could cheat on Chip. It was getting a bit frustrating that he seemed to be the only one that constantly cheat on her.

That weekend was party weekend and as the cab pulled up to NYU, Rachel was checking her make up and making sure she looked good, good enough for a college boy.

"You ready?" Monica asked.

"This is going to be amazing. I am so going to hook up with a college guy," Rachel said.

"Don't you have a boyfriend?"

"Yeah, and...it's Chip," Rachel said as she applied her lipgloss, staring at herself in her compact. Chip was probably hooking up with someone right now. She hadn't even mentioned to him that she was going to a college party.

"True," Monica said.

"I cannot wait for college."

"Me neither."

"Alright, I'm done, let's go," Rachel said, capping her lipgloss and giving Monica a smile.

"Do you think Chandler's gonna be there?" Monica asked.

"Don't worry, he's probably already passed out cold in his own vomit. Or maybe he's dead," Rachel said, giving her a smile.

"Rach."

"He's a pathetic, sad asshole. You are so much better than he is. Come on. There will be hot guys there."

Monica nodded. Rachel linked her arm in Monica's as the two paid the cab driver and immediately began walking towards the dorms. When they finally arrived, Rachel was thrilled. There were people everywhere, drinking, dancing, hooking up. She felt completely in her element.

"Let's get some beer," Rachel said, pointing towards a keg and stack of red cups.

"We're not twenty-one."

"You, Ellie and Laurie drink red wine at every party we go to."

"That's a classy drink."

"Monica," Rachel said, rolling her eyes. She would get Monica to loosen up.

"Okay, let's get beer."

"Good, now let's drink 'till we pass out."

"That doesn't sound okay."

"Monica. Come on. Loosen up. Be Ellie...no, Laurie. Ellie's mean, sometimes."

"Wait, did you just say someone else was mean?" Monica asked, grinning slightly. Rachel let out a snort and laughed a little, knowing Monica was teasing her although Rachel did think Ellie was meaner than she was. Rachel grabbed Monica's hand and dragged her towards a giant keg and poured them both beer. She handed a cup to Monica and they clinked their cups together and began drinking. The beer tasted rather gross but they both kept drinking and soon the idea of flirting seemed to go out the window. Both girls were sufficiently drunk and were just having fun talking to each other. Soon enough, they were both very drunk, sitting on the couch and engrossed in very important conversations.

"Aw-right, aw-right," Monica giggled, "tell me the truth."

"What?"

"Do you really think Nancy and Mindy and Sharon are your friends?"

"No," Rachel shook her head, wildly so that her hair whipped her face. "You're my only friend, Mon."

"I am."

"Yeah."

"I have more friends then you."

"I had sex. I gave my fuckin' flower away," Rachel said, "and between you and me, I want my fuckin' flower back."

Rachel took a big gulp of her beer as Monica laughed. This was far more fun than flirting. Rachel loved just sitting there with Monica.

"There he is," Monica said, her eyes widening.

"Sean Cassidy?" Rachel asked.

"No, no, no, look, Rachel," Monica said, pointing. Rachel looked to where Monica was pointing. There was Chandler, standing there, pouring himself a beer. She scrunched her face up and looked at Monica.

"Oh, ewwww...boooo, hiss. He so icky," Rachel said.

"He is icky and he probably smells like poop."

"Probably. Let's go get mean him...too...crap, I'm drunk," Rachel slurred.

"Me too."

"But okay...you wanna okay like go be like really mean to him and then blame it on the fact that we're like super drunk."

"Oh my G-d. That's best idea ever," Monica said.

"I know, right," Rachel said, nodding as she gulped down the rest of her drink. "I need more."

Monica downed the rest of her drink and looked at Rachel, "Me too."

The two girls held on to each other as they stood. They giggled as they stumbled towards the keg. Chandler was still standing there, drinking and looking around the room.

"Hey, loser," Rachel said as she filled her cup. Chandler rolled his eyes.

"What?" He asked.

"You smell like poop," Monica yelled as Rachel grabbed Monica's cup and filled it to the rim and handed it back.

"You're gonna die alone in a pile of your own vomit," Rachel said.

"Mazel Tov," Monica said as she and Rachel clicked their cups together and drank.

"Wow, you two are really drunk," Chandler mused.

"So are you," Rachel said.

"Not enough," Chandler said.

"You're stinky and stupid and stinky," Monica said.

"You're the worst person ever," Rachel said, "you're a bad, bad person."

"Rachel," Monica said.

"What?" Rachel asked.

"Yes, he's a bad person but we don't have to tell him that."

"Yes, we do. We have to make him aware of these things," Rachel said. She wanted to really hurt him, cut him as deeply as he had cut her.

"I'm aware...you know, I'm gonna go call my girlfriend. Yeah, I have a girlfriend," Chandler said as he stepped away from them.

"You don't have a girlfriend," Rachel yelled. "You probably deflated her, you fucking ass."

Chandler shook his head and walked off towards a room which Rachel assumed was his room. He slammed the door shut. Rachel turned and saw Monica staring at her.

"Don't you think you took it too far?" Monica asked.

"No."

"I think you need to apologize to him."

"No. No."

"Rachel, we don't know him."

"You were mean to him also."

"I know but..."

"I'll be right back."

"Where are you going?"

"Leave me alone. I'll be back. I'll go talk to the asshole," Rachel said as she stumbled off towards the room. She did actually feel a little bad. She didn't want to, she wanted to continue the fight. She was angry, pissed. She opened the door and saw him sitting on his bed, staring into the darkness. Rachel shut the door behind her and stumbled towards him.

"What are you doing, loser?"

"Leave me alone, Rachel," Chandler said.

Rachel continued to stumble towards him and sat next to him. She wanted him to be hurt.

"You're a loser, you wanna know why? You don't wanna be happy. You wanna be miserable."

"Are you drunk?"

"Yep. Never been drunk before," Rachel lied, not caring. "It's kinda cool. I do know you by the way."

"I know."

"You're an asshole," Rachel said.

"I'm really not."

"Yeah, you are. You left the Gellers early-"

"They're not my family."

"You will never be happy. It's sad. The Gellers are always happy," Rachel said. She knew she didn't make any sense. They had left the Gellers at the same time during Thanksgiving. She had been drunk many times. She was just rambling trying to find something to hurt him with but instead they kept staring at each other and for a brief moment she saw intense sadness in his eyes. She felt sorry for him and maybe it was the alcohol clouding her judgement but soon they were leaning, close together and before she knew it, they were kissing and then before she knew it, she had passed out, fallen on to Chandler who ended up putting her feet on to the bed, covering her with a blanket and letting her sleep on his bed.

Rachel woke up the next morning with a headache. She looked over and saw Monica sleeping on Ross' bed. She let out a sigh, she felt dirty, gross. She had kissed Chandler which was not what she had wanted to do. She knew she was mean to him the previous night. She needed to stop that, she hated that she was always so mean to him. Deep down, she knew it wasn't really logical but he just seemed like an easy target. She wondered what Chip was doing? Or who he was doing?

"Rach?"

"Hey," Rachel said, turning her head towards Monica.

"You alright?"

"Just have a headache. I was mean last night, wasn't I?"

"Really mean. To Chandler. I was mean too but...you know he has pill bottles in his drawer."

Rachel raised an eyebrow and reached towards Chandler's night stand, opening one of the drawers. There were many, many pill bottles in his drawer. He was a drug addict as well as an alcoholic?

"Of course."

"He's a drug addict," Monica said.

"Do not try to fix him," Rachel warned.

"Yeah," Monica said, "so what did you and Chandler talk about last night?"

"Nothing," Rachel said not wanting to tell her that she had kissed Chandler, she had a feeling her friend really liked him and she didn't want Monica upset with her.

"Oh, it was a fun party. I'm sorry you didn't get to hook up with any college guys," Monica said.

"It's okay. I'm gonna get ready...we should probably go soon."

Rachel stood up and walked towards the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind her. She slowly freshened up, fixing her hair and make up. As she looked in the mirror, she felt sad. She had not meant to kiss Chandler. He had a girlfriend. She was supposed to hate him. She wanted to continue hating him.

After both she and Monica had gotten ready, they walked into the common room to see Ross and Carol curled up on the couch and Chandler standing by the door. They were in the middle of a conversation, which neither Rachel nor Monica were paying attention to.

"Hey...we're ready to go," Monica said.

"Oh, okay...alright...I guess I'll walk with you to the train," Ross said.

"No, wait...I can take you back in Sally," Chandler said.

"You would drive 'em back? It's a far drive," Ross said.

"It's fine...I don't mind. It'll give you two a chance to chat," Chandler said. "And besides I owe you for Thanksgiving."

"Alright, thanks man," Ross said.

"Let me get ready," Chandler said walking into his room. Monica and Rachel exchanged a look. His car? That actually seemed nice and it was a long drive back to Long Island. Maybe he did have a heart? A small one….she wasn't ready to go that far yet.

Chandler's Corvette was absolutely stunning. She had briefly seen it after Thanksgiving when they had both left at the same time, but it was dark and she really hadn't paid much attention but now in the light of day, it was hard for her to contain her excitement. It was a 1985 cherry red Corvette that Chandler had apparently named, Sally. Monica got in the passenger's seat and she got in the back. Chandler drove off and Rachel was impressed with how smooth of a ride it was. Her hatred of him started to lessen.

"Thanks for taking us," Monica said.

"No problem. Although, you don't seem impressed with my car."

"Why would I be?" Monica asked.

"Your friend is."

"She's shallow," Monica said.

"Hey," Rachel said, feeling a little insulted.

"I like this car," Chandler said.

"Good. It's not practical though. Like if you ever have kids, you can't have a car like this."

Rachel raised an eyebrow, confused at where Monica was going with this conversation. Why in the world was she discussing kids with Chandler? Was she planning on having his?

"I'm never having kids," Chandler said.

"You're not?" Monica asked.

"No. I can't see bringing children into this world."

"Well, that's sad. I want kids. I want a family. That's the greatest thing...to have a husband and kids. You'll never be lonely. You'll always have a friend there," Monica said.

This whole conversation was just strange to Rachel. She kinda wished Mindy, Sharon and Nancy were there or Monica's friends, Laurie and Ellie. It was all so bizarre. Why was Monica discussing this with someone she barely knew? Was she flirting with him?

"Chandler?" Monica asked.

"What?"

"Are you happy?" Monica asked.

Rachel was hooked on this conversation. Monica definitely liked him, why else would she be asking these questions?

"What?" Chandler asked.

"Are you happy?"

"Sure. Are you?"

"Well, I wish I was thinner. I wish people didn't call me Monicow. But...yeah. I mean...I'm happy. I know what I want to do in my life. I'm gonna go to culinary school, then own my restaurant and then get married, have kids. My life is going to go according to my plan," Monica said.

Rachel kept staring at the back of Monica's seat. She noticed Monica look back at her in the rearview mirror and Rachel stared back. Monica liked him. He called her fat but she still liked him. Rachel felt even worse about kissing Chandler although Rachel did think Monica could do better than Chandler. She had a feeling the reason Monica liked him was because he was broken and wanted to fix him.

"Well, good luck," Chandler said.

The rest of the car ride was a relatively quiet one as Chandler sped down the highway. It took him about an hour and soon he arrived at the Geller home. Monica got out of the car and smiled at him as she thanked him. As Monica walked into the house, Rachel got out of the back seat and moved to the front seat next to Chandler. He pulled away from the curb and Rachel gave him instructions on how to get to her house. It was uncomfortable between them and she wasn't sure what to say to him.

"So are you going to pretend you no longer know me if I see you again?" Chandler asked. Rachel grinned slightly.

"No...I'll talk to you. You're still a jackass for putting peanut butter all over my car...although, what you did to Nancy's car was funny."

It was something, in retrospect, she did actually find funny. Not what he had done to her car, that had hurt and was completely over the line but what he had done to Nancy's….she was fine with that.

"Wait...why is it funny what I did to Nancy's car, but not your car?"

"Because it was my car. Why were you guys even at Lincoln High?" Rachel asked.

"My buddy, Tyler is Nancy's cousin," Chandler said.

"Oh," Rachel said, although she kinda knew that.

"By the way, that Nancy is a bully. She was really mean to Monica."

"Well, your friend Tyler was an ass too. He came up to me and asked if I had a penis. Who does that?"

"Well, do you?" Chandler asked, giving her a smile. She tried not to laugh a little. He was funny, she remembered that. He enjoyed playing, bantering, still very reminiscent of how they were at camp. She hated that she was actually liking him. He was nice.

"No...is it that why you were at my school?" Rachel asked.

"No," Chandler said.

"Oh, G-d...you really are a loser," Rachel said.

"You have horrible taste in friends," Chandler said.

She laughed, this was fun. She loved bantering with him. It felt so easy, so wonderfully nice.

"Well, you're not my friend so obviously it can't be that bad and you don't get it. I'm not friends with Nancy because I like her."

"What?" Chandler asked.

"I'm friends with Nancy 'cause I hate her and you have to keep your friends close and your enemies closer," Rachel said.

"Oh...okay, I guess. So what do you consider Monica?"

"My best friend. The only kind of friend that matters...do you have any best friends?"

"No...well, Lizzie I guess and I had friends in high school...but I don't know if I have any best friends. But I do have to ask you something...that kiss we had last night? We cannot tell anyone because I have a girlfriend and I actually am starting to like Ross."

"Why would Ross care if we kissed?" Rachel asked, he seemed nervous. It was sweet, Chandler really did seem to care about the feelings of others.

"He would," Chandler said, "but really, I don't wanna hurt Liz."

"I won't tell," Rachel said and that was a promise she would keep. She didn't want to hurt Monica and she knew telling her about the kiss would definitely hurt her.

"Good."

"Is it that the same Liz from camp?"

"Yes. I like her a lot. I'm really not such an ass."

"That's okay...I'm not always so mean."

Soon he arrived at Rachel's house and she looked at him, thanking him before getting out and walking into her house. She hated to admit it but her hatred of him was starting to lessen. He actually seemed kind hearted.

She met up with Monica at Scoops to discuss the party and Rachel really wanted to discuss what had happened between Monica and Chandler during that car ride. It was so strange, so bizarre and Rachel wanted answers.

"I mean seriously though, what the hell was that?" Rachel asked as they ate their ice cream, sitting across from one another. "Do you like him?" Rachel asked.

"No, no...I..."

"Monica, he is a dick."

"I know. I don't like him. Let's not talk about it. I...please."

"Alright. Okay," Rachel said, she would drop it because Monica was clearly uncomfortable, so instead she would play, "let's play MASH." Rachel pulled a piece of paper from her purse which made Monica laugh. Rachel was loving this game, you could tell fortunes. It seemed like so much fun.

"Fine. Rachel, this game is so stupid."

"It's fun. Come on, I'm bored."

"Alright, let's do it."

Rachel grinned as Monica gave the answers to the questions. Five things for each item and Rachel wrote them all down. She had purposely made Monica put Chandler's name for the list of possible husbands. Soon she was done and Rachel let out a sigh and bit her bottom lip.

"Alright," Rachel said, "you are going to live in a mansion."

"Nice."

"And own a dog."

"Even better."

"Drive a Volvo."

"I already drive a Volvo."

"Yes...hopefully, it'll be a new one and you'll have twenty five children."

"Wow...that would be awesome. I could have my own school and teach them all."

"Oh, G-d. You'll live in New York and your husband's name is...Chandler. Oh my G-d, you're gonna marry Chandler."

"No, you made me put his name on the list. I don't want to marry him, he called me fat," Monica argued. "You rigged that."

"I did not. Oh my G-d. When you two get married, I will bring this to your wedding."

"I'm not getting married to Chandler so save your damn list."

"I will. Yeah, you're probably right. I mean, he probably won't live long enough to see his wedding," Rachel said although it now felt strange saying mean things about him.

"Rachel. Why do you hate him so much?"

"He called you fat."

"Yeah, but...Rach, last night, you were vicious to him."

"Huh, I just...I hate people like that. Self entitled. Mean. I really didn't find that prank funny and I hope you don't marry him. You can do better. He's just..."

"He's broken, Rachel."

"I know but some people don't deserved to be fixed."

"I don't know about that. You know, let's not talk about this. Let's do yours. Maybe you'll marry my brother."

"Ewww, Mon. I will marry your brother when you marry Chandler."

"I will never marry Chandler."

"Exactly, so I will never marry your brother."

Monica smiled as Rachel handed her a piece of paper and Monica did Rachel's MASH fortune and Rachel did not get Ross. Monica had made her put Ross down as husband possibilities, instead she got….Sean Cassidy. Although they would be living in a shack in Los Angeles, drive Ferraris and have 14 children.


	12. Chapter 12

**May 1988**

She styled her long brown hair, reaching for the hair spray to give her bangs a hard look. This evening needed to be perfect. She was now officially eighteen and almost done with school. She would be attending Stony Brook University in Long Island in the fall but tonight, was her night. The night she would be crowned homecoming queen. As she continued to spray her hair, Jill who was now fifteen and finishing her freshman year at Lincoln High sauntered into her room. She walked towards the light blue dress that Rachel had laid out on her bed. Rachel had made her dress, it was blue with big puffy off the shoulder sleeves and a big skirt. She had sewed an Armani label into the dress, still wanting to keep it hidden that she had designed her own dress.

"This is not an Armani dress," Jill said, looking at the label.

"I know. It's a Rachel Karen Green dress but when I tell people I make my own dresses, they ask if I'm poor," Rachel said putting the can of hairspray down and reaching for her foundation to begin applying her make up.

"Well, why didn't you just get an Armani dress?"

"'Cause I wanted this night to be perfect and I wanted to make my own dress."

"Uh, I can't believe you're going to be homecoming queen. First Amy, then you. I am so going to be homecoming queen."

Rachel smiled. Jill reminded Rachel a lot of Amy, spoiled and self centered. She felt she probably was too or maybe she was supposed to be, while she was looking forward to college it made her sad to give up her fashion dreams. Monica was going to New York to pursue her dreams of being a chef. Rachel's parents had made it clear that fashion would be just a hobby, not a career so maybe that's what it would be. Maybe college would be where everything would change? She got ready, putting on the blue dress and feeling like the ultimate princess. She would be going to prom with Monica. It was the plan, her parents trusted the Gellers and knew Rachel would not get in trouble if she was with Monica. So she would go with Monica. Chip and Monica's date, Roy, would pick them up and then the four would go to prom together. Chip had rented a hotel room for himself and Rachel which they would put to good use and Rachel would spend the night at the Gellers.

When Rachel arrived at the Geller home, Ross opened the door. She shook her head at his appearance, his giant afro and mustache.

"Hey there, Mister Kotter," Rachel grinned.

"Come on in," Ross said as he stepped out of the way to let her in. He closed the door behind her as she kept looking at him.

"What is with the lip hair? It looks like you're being attacked by an angry caterpillar," Rachel said.

"I like it. It makes me look distinguished."

"Sure. So how's your roommate?" Rachel asked.

"Drunk, probably. We're going to to be roommates next year."

"Why?"

"'Cause he enjoys my lip hair."

"That sounds weird," Rachel said.

"Yeah, I heard it in my head. You-you look nice though, pretty."

"Thanks….it's a Rachel Karen Green design with a label from Armani."

"You made that?" Ross asked.

"Yeah."

"It's pretty. I don't understand the Armani thing but it's still pretty."

"Thanks."

Rachel smiled as Ross looked at the floor. He looked nervous which Rachel found a little cute. She was about to say more when Monica went to greet her and was being followed by Jack Geller who seemed very intent on filming everything. Rachel was a little annoyed as was Monica so the two retreated to the pantry, their old meeting place.

"Our senior prom...tonight, oh Mon, this is going to be fantastic."

"I know," Monica said.

"Okay, here's the plan though," Rachel began.

"Really, Rachel? We have a month left of school. We're going to separate colleges. People know we're friends. Can't we just be friends tonight without all the silly rules?"

"Just...okay, tonight. Chip rented a hotel room."

"Are you really going to give your flower to him?"

"Okay, sweetie...first, stop calling it that, second, he's had my flower a lot. Hell, he has a bouquet."

"I know, but..." Monica said, looking at the ground as she dug her food into the hardware floor. "It's just...you've had...what about-"

"Nothing happened," Rachel said, her tone rather flat. She knew Monica probably knew what had happened junior year, about her being pregnant, but she still did not want to admit to it. She wanted to just forget it happened.

"Rachel."

"Mon, no...just no. I would..."

"You know I know," Monica said.

"Not now."

"Okay."

"And I know...but let's talk about tonight. You and me. It's gonna be fun, but Chip got a hotel room and what's gonna happen is we will take a limo to the pre-party at Michelle Burke's house and then I'm gonna go with Chip, Mindy and Nancy and everyone and then you can go with Michelle and Ellie and Laurie and your dates and then..."

Just then there was a knock on the pantry and Monica's mom opened the door, grinning at them wildly. Monica rolled her eyes.

"Girls, Roy is here."

"Roy's here?" Monica asked.

"With Chip?" Rachel asked as she followed Monica out of the pantry. Jack was still videotaping. Roy was a big guy and nice, Rachel didn't really know him all that well but she didn't care at the moment. Chip wasn't there.

"Roy," Monica said as she happily threw her arms around him.

"Mon...whoa, you look hot," Roy said, which made Monica blush.

"Excuse me, I'm right here," Jack said, lowering his camera and glaring at them. Monica let out a giggle.

"Dad, come on. Turn off the camera."

"I want to capture this, honey. This may be a very important video, one day," Jack smiled.

"Dad," Monica rolled her eyes.

"Where's Chip? Why isn't he here yet?" Rachel asked.

"He'll be here, okay. Take a chill pill," Roy said as he leaned in to fix Monica's corsage. If Chip didn't show up, Rachel wasn't sure what she would do? She was the homecoming queen, this was supposed to be her night.

"He touched my boob," Monica whispered in Rachel's ear which made her giggle a little bit but that moment was short lived.

"Okay, where is Chip? I can't go to my own prom without a date. I can't. It's too late," Rachel said, tears filling her eyes. He really should have been there already. Rachel could imagine the taunts she would get from Sharon, Mindy and Nancy if Chip stood her up.

"Well, if you're not going then I don't want to go either," Monica said.

"Oh, I'm gonna kick Chip's ass," Roy suddenly said as he stormed off. Monica and Rachel followed him towards the living room.

"Where is he?" Rachel cried.

"He will be here," Monica said.

"When?" Rachel asked. "So, I'm not going to prom. Nancy and Mindy and Sharon and are gonna rub it in and I'm gonna be a loser-"

"Who the hell cares? It's prom, it's a dance. No one cares. Come. You'll both be my dates," Roy said, angrily. Rachel glared at him. He wouldn't understand and the idea of going with Roy to prom sounded awful.

"Or...well, maybe Ross can go with you," Monica said.

"Ewww, Mon...I don't want to go with your brother."

"He's in college."

"He's a geek."

"Okay, okay...or Chandler, Ross' roommate? It won't take that long for him get here from the city."

"Monica, that would be even worse than going with your brother," Rachel said, knowing she was being mean.

"Rach."

"Let's just go," Roy said. "This is ridiculous. It's a stupid dance."

"Then why are you going?" Rachel asked.

"Because I wanna get laid," Roy said, rather matter of factly. Rachel raised an eyebrow and stared at him. It took all of her effort not to tell him to keep dreaming.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom, I'll be right back," Rachel said, walking off, still crying. She walked into the bathroom and began to dab her eyes. This was her night, her night to be queen and Chip was destroying it. She knew it was too good to be true. She heard a knock at the door, Rachel opened it to Monica who looked at her concerned.

"I'm not gonna get to go to prom. The final dance."

"Alright, Rach...look, I wanna go. I really, really wanna go."

"Really?" Rachel asked, wondering what had happened to Monica not wanting to go if Rachel didn't go.

"Yeah...so...here's the deal. Either you can stay at home which will suck or you can come with Roy and I...or you ask Ross," Monica said.

Rachel looked at her, Monica had gotten stronger in recent years. She liked it when Monica stood up for herself but tonight….

"I don't wanna stay home and I don't wanna hang out with you and your friends."

"Ow."

"I didn't mean it like that."

"Well, then you have one other option."

Rachel looked at Monica and then at the mirror. She reached for a tissue and gently wiped her eyes. It wouldn't be bad. While she didn't want to admit it, she didn't hate Ross and she always enjoyed the times she got to talk to him.

"He is a college guy."

"He is."

"He's still...it's Ross and...it wouldn't be that bad to go with your brother. I mean..."

"You'll look cool. He's in college."

"It's still Ross."

For as much as she enjoyed Ross, she did know his reputation and it was not a good one. Monica was considered the cool one of the Geller siblings.

"Well, we could also call Chandler. Chandler has the Corvette."

If only she could get the car here….without the owner. She really loved that Corvette.

"Love the car, but there is not a chance in hell."

"Duly noted...he is an asshole."

"Definitely. Would Ross go with me?"

"Ask him."

"Would he shave his lip hair?"

"Maybe if you ask him nicely."

"He looks like Mr. Kotter."

"I know."

Rachel looked at herself again, letting out a long, drawn out sigh. Ross was better than nothing and maybe it would be nice. She was already homecoming queen, her high school days were numbered and maybe it would be nice to attend prom with a friend and not have to worry about any cheating or any drama.

"Hmmm, okay...yeah...alright...yeah, let me get cleaned up. I'll ask Ross. Yeah, I can ask Ross. I don't wanna miss prom. Ross is better than nothing."

"Exactly," Monica said as she reached over to hug Rachel before walking out of the bathroom. Rachel stared at herself and took a deep breath. She dabbed at her eyes and fixed her make-up. She would go with Ross. She remembered Monica's Bat Mitzvah, when they had danced together. She liked dancing with him, he was sweet and didn't seem at all insulted that she was basically dancing with him to get twenty bucks. He ended up demanding half of it. She felt comfortable around him.

Just as she emerged from the bathroom, ready to ask Ross, Chip finally arrived. He was grinning from ear to ear with his hair looking a little messed up. She wondered why he was late? He didn't live too far from the Gellers and she would ask but they didn't have time, racing out of the Geller home to the pre-party at Michelle Burke's house.

As soon as they arrived at Michelle's house, Rachel and Chip left Monica and Roy and went in search of the rest of their friends. As they went in search of them, Rachel stopped Chip and looked at him.

"Why were you late?" Rachel asked.

"It's not a big deal."

"It is a big deal. This is our prom. You're the king and I'm queen. This is our night and-"

Just then, Nancy walked past them with her date. She grinned as she looked at the two of them and gently touched Chip's arm. Rachel scoffed as she stared at Nancy.

"Hey, Chipper….thanks for earlier," Nancy said, "oh, hi Rachel."

Nancy walked off as Rachel looked at him. She felt herself wanting to cry. Her perfect night was starting to show some cracks.

"Really?" Rachel asked.

"I didn't do anything. I was helping her with something. I did not hook up with her."

"Fine," Rachel said, not quite believing him but not wanting to fight. She was determined to make this night her night.

"Look, you're my queen. You and I have been through a lot these past four years and….I think we should celebrate that, don't you?" Chip asked.

"I do. We survived high school."

"These were the best years of our lives. It's never going to get any better than this."

"Really?" Rachel asked. Something about that seemed amazingly depressing.

"Yeah, Rach….this was the golden age. We have peaked. This is our prime. How can it get better than it is right now?"

Rachel's eyes widened as Chip grabbed her hand and pulled her off towards their friends. It would never get any better? Had she really peaked? Had those four year years really been the best four years of her life? She was eighteen and had hit the peak of her life? She didn't know whether she should cry or what and there were people like Monica or Ross….or Ellie and Laurie….did they know these past four years were their best four years? She wasn't sure if they would even agree with that statement.

When they finally arrived at the dance, she kept thinking about Chip's words. While he hung out with his friends, she sat with Sharon, Mindy and Nancy. She kept glancing back at Monica, Ellie, Laurie and Michelle. They were laughing about something. They sat with their dates and Monica just seemed happy and comfortable.

"Do you think these are the best four years of our lives?" Rachel asked, looking at Mindy, Nancy and Sharon. "Do you think this is as good as it's gonna get?"

"Well, it's been a pretty amazing four years," Mindy said.

"Although, Rachel was pregnant during part of it….until the abortion," Nancy said.

"I was never pregnant," Rachel said.

"It's the worst kept secret ever," Nancy said.

"I know, can you just finally admit it. School is almost over," Sharon said.

"Even if it was true….and it's not...why would I admit it to you? Do you see us four being best friends forever? We are always so mean to each other."

"You think our friendship will end after high school?" Sharon asked.

"I hope not. We will all be here in Long Island, so maybe we'll all be nicer to each other," Rachel tried and she did hope they could find a way to be nicer.

Getting crowned homecoming queen was an amazing moment for Rachel, dancing with Chip, her king. It felt so wonderful, so romantic. She liked being in his arms as he held her close. They had been through so much and despite all the drama, she really had loved him. She loved how they were together when things were good. She still had never admitted to him what happened during junior year and she would never admit it even though she had a feeling a lot of people knew. It was her secret.

The after prom parties where real memories were made, that's where the moments that Rachel really wanted to capture happened. She wanted those moments with friends, those memories, maybe a moment with Chip if she could find him. When they arrived at the after prom party, she had briefly lost track of Chip which was strange because she thought they were headed to a hotel room. She went looking for him. She wanted be with him, be with Chip, her boyfriend...she wanted to ask about the hotel room. It would be the perfect ending to the night.

Or not. When she opened the door to the master bedroom, her mouth dropped as she saw Chip naked and tangled up with a girl named, Amy. Her breath got caught in her throat as tears filled her eyes.

"Noooooo," Rachel said when Chip and Amy turned to look at her.

"Rachel, wait," Chip said.

"No, no...finish….please, go ahead," Rachel said as she ran out of the room and down the stairs and as she began to walk outside, Chip grabbed her arm. She wrestled her arm free as she glared at him.

"Can we talk please?"

"It's our prom. It's-it's-I-"

"Can we talk somewhere private?" Chip asked. "We still have that hotel room."

"No, I don't want to talk to you at all...and maybe Amy will join you in that hotel room," Rachel said as she walked outside and noticed Monica sitting with Laurie, Ellie, Michelle and their friends. She walked over to them, she needed to talk to Monica.

"Monica," Rachel said.

"What are you crying about?" Ellie asked.

"Was your tiara too small to fit on your enormous head?" Laurie asked.

"Nice job, jellybean," Ellie grinned.

"Thank you," Laurie said.

Rachel shook her head. She really disliked those two girls. She felt they had no reason to be nasty to her but she was in no mood to deal with them.

"Monica, I need to talk to you," Rachel said.

"Really?" Monica asked.

"Come on, I need to talk to you," Rachel whined.

"Why does she need to go with you? You're the homecoming queen, go talk to your popular friends," Michelle said.

"Can I talk to you later?" Monica asked.

"No, you need to talk to me now," Rachel said. "It's important."

Why was Monica arguing? She really needed to speak with her, she needed a friend and Monica was it.

"Fine," Monica let out a sigh as she got up.

"Wait, Mon," Ellie began.

"I'll explain it later," Monica said as she stumbled towards Rachel as Rachel grabbed her arm. Monica was a little drunk, Rachel could tell but it didn't matter. She would understand what Mindy, Sharon and Nancy would not. They walked towards a private area the backyard.

"Chip is cheating on me. I just walked in on him hooking up with that Amy slut and-"

"Rachel."

"What?"

"I'm...I'm having fun," Monica said, "I'm sorry he's cheating on you but Chip is a jerk. You know that. I wanna go have fun with my friends. Please. Please let me not have to follow the list of rules to be your friend for one night. I'll follow it again tomorrow. I'll follow it until we graduate and you will never have to speak to me again."

Rachel was taken aback by what Monica was saying. So much so that what Chip had done was suddenly the least of her issues. She knew Monica was a little tipsy but she also seemed rather angry.

"Why wouldn't I speak to you again?" Rachel asked.

"'Cause we're going to separate colleges and then you can find another fat chick to be your pretend friend so you look like a nice person."

Those words felt like someone had just slapped her in the face or punched her in the stomach. Monica really believed she truly wasn't Rachel's friend? If Monica only knew how not true that was. Rachel tried to choose the correct words, she needed Monica to understand.

"Monica, you are not, nor have you ever been my pretend friend. You're my only friend."

"You never act like it."

"You don't get it."

"No, I don't."

She hated that Monica was mad at her and she felt probably deserved it. She just needed everyone to be happy.

"Can I tell you a secret?" Rachel asked.

"Huh? Sure."

"There's part of me that wishes that Ross really had come with me tonight."

"Really?" Monica asked.

"Yeah. Crazy."

"You like my brother?"

"I like your family. I like how warm and nice and happy it is. I like...I like it. I-I wanna come for Thanksgiving instead of spending it with my family. You are not a fake friend. You're my sister. More my sister than my actual sisters," Rachel said as she hugged Monica who reluctantly hugged her back.

"Why can't you be like this….nice, you're a nice person Rachel."

"I'm just….who people want me to be. It makes things easier."

"For whom? Everyone else or you?" Monica asked.

Rachel shrugged. It didn't matter. None of what she wanted matter, she had come to accept that. Her love of fashion was merely a hobby, her life was supposed to remain here on Long Island. That was where she belonged.

The next morning, Chip stopped at her house to talk to her. She reluctantly stepped outside as they sat side by side on the front steps. They sat silently for a few moments before Chip broke the silence.

"I'm sorry about Amy," Chip said.

"It doesn't matter."

"It doesn't?"

"How many times have you cheated on me? Really? What are we doing?"

"Are we breaking up again?"

"I think for good. I mean, we're both going to different colleges and I know you're going to hook up with a lot of girls so maybe I don't want to put off the inevitable."

"I do love you, Rach. You're my girl. You'll always be my girl."

"I love you too but this isn't working and we both know it."

"Can we still be friends?"

"Always," Rachel said as she leaned in and kissed him on the cheek and squeezed his hand before standing up.

"By the way Rachel," Chip said as she stepped towards her door.

"Yeah."

"It will always be okay to admit your favorite movie is Airplane."

"Actually, it's now Spaceballs," Rachel said as she stepped inside the house and let out a pained sigh. It hurt breaking up with Chip. It hurt closing that door on high school but she was ready to do so, hoping that Chip's words were not correct, that those wouldn't be the best four years of her life. College would be her next step, her new start….


	13. Chapter 13

September 1988-December 1988

She was a college girl now. Her roommates were three other girls named, Leslie, Joanne and Kierstie whom she referred to as Kiki. They were amazing, fun, nice and Rachel enjoyed hanging out with them. She also hung out with Missy, Sharon and Nancy as well. They all seemed to want to rush the same sorority, the Kappas Kappas, so they remained friends but unlike in high school Sharon, Nancy and Mindy mellowed out a little bit. Rachel loved having such large group of friends that also soon included another girl, Melissa. She was also surprised at how much she loved Stony Brook. She had visited Amy there a few times and Amy was currently a senior there but she didn't see much of Amy. Amy had her own apartment that she shared with her current boyfriend, a guy named Mark. Rachel was fine on her own, even more than thrilled.

She loved the freedom of college. She decided she'd cultivate an entire new persona. She had even gotten a nose job to make her nose a little smaller and her new persona would be even more wild. Her parents weren't there to ground her, Monica wasn't there to judge. She could go where ever she wanted. She wanted to absorb it all, try it all. She was eighteen and everything seemed to be right at her fingertips. That Halloween, Rachel decided to head out to the city. There was a rave and she had dressed as a sexy witch, figuring that was the perfect outfit for her. She and her friends got fake ID's and immediately headed into the city for a night of just pure fun. She loved it, it was still cold out, boys bought her drinks, she got drunk and managed to go all night until the sun rose up over the horizon. This was college. Her new college life and this life did not include Monica Geller. She rarely spoke to Monica. Her nights were spent partying and going out and she knew Monica was having her life in the city but not having seen Monica in months proved to be a shock that Thanksgiving when she decided to spend Thanksgiving with the Gellers again. Her parents had decided to go out of town, her sister Jill, who was now a high school sophomore, was with some friends and Amy was somewhere else so she figured she'd just spend the day with the Gellers even though she knew the chances of running into that asswipe Chandler were pretty good.

Jack and Judy let her into the house and immediately Rachel walked upstairs to Monica's room. She was kind of excited to see her old friend. She really had not spoken to Monica in so long but as she entered the room, she gasped a little. Monica was sitting in front of her mirror combing her hair and looked super thin. Thinner than she was. That did not seem right. She had last seen Monica in June and Monica was still fairly overweight. It was November and now she was bone thin. That scared her. There were girls at her school that she knew had eating disorders, she had read about them and this looked unhealthy.

"Monica?"

Monica turned to look at Rachel, who was standing in the doorway. She got up to hug Rachel who still was very alarmed. What the hell had happened? Monica was in culinary school? Rachel figured she'd be eating more.

"You've lost weight," Rachel said.

"Two hundred and forty pounds."

"What?" Rachel asked, her eyes widening. That was ridiculous. Something happened. What was Monica doing?

"Two hundred and forty pounds," Monica said, proudly.

"But…in a year?"

"Kinda. I mean, I really put my mind to it once I started school-"

"How?" Rachel asked, she knew she sounded blunt.

"Diet and exercise," Monica said, plainly.

"Monica."

That was bullshit. Rachel knew it. Monica did not lose that weight through diet and exercise. Not a chance.

"I'm fine."

"Monica, how did you lose so much weight?" Rachel asked, not wanting to let up.

"Why aren't you happy for me? I lost weight," Monica said.

"It's just-"

"What happened in eleventh grade? Will you admit you had an abortion? Monica asked.

"Mon," Rachel said, knowing Monica wanted to pick a fight with her.

"No. You admit your secrets, I'll admit mine."

Rachel let out a sigh, "fine, alright….but I'm not going to tell you that you look good."

"Why not?"

"Because I care about you too much to tell you that….because you've lost enough," Rachel said although not sure if that was what she should say.

"Of course….typical Rachel, only gonna think of herself."

"Actually just the opposite," Rachel said, shaking her head. It took every ounce of effort she had not to tell Monica to go eat something and she'd probably be in a better mood. She was furious that Monica really thought Rachel was just jealous. She wasn't jealous, not at all.

"Can you be happy for me, please? Chandler's gonna be here."

"Ugh."

"He'll see me thin. I bet he'll be happy."

"Sure," Rachel said and it made sense. It was sad, so sad, but it made sense. Chandler had called her fat so she lost weight. Had she really lost weight to impress Chandler, a guy Rachel felt was not worth impressing.

She heard the door open and shut downstairs and she and Monica walked downstairs to see Ross and Chandler standing there talking with Jack and Judy. Rachel watched as Monica walked towards Chandler and began talking to him, he was staring at her. He was watching her closely and it pissed Rachel off. Was he really that big of an asshole? He had called Monica fat and now that Monica was thin, now he paid attention? Monica wasn't worth his attention. Rachel wished Monica could see that, how horrible of a guy Chandler was. Ross didn't seem to notice it either. As Monica walked off towards the kitchen, he still watched her and Rachel shook her head in disbelief as Chandler headed to the bar to pour himself a drink. Rachel approached him.

"Wow...you sure are an alcoholic, aren't you?" Rachel asked.

"Go away, Rachel," Chandler said.

"And how cool are you...stealing booze from your college roommate's parents. You are like the epitome of cool," Rachel said.

"Nice new nose...now I can get a clearer look into your soulless eyes. It must suck to know that you are just completely dead inside," Chandler said. Rachel felt like someone had just socked her in the stomach. She immediately flashed back to lying on that table, aborting that pregnancy. If only Chandler knew how badly he had just cut her and her hatred of him just about exploded. She would get revenge, she wanted him to hurt. Hurt as much as he had hurt her, as much as he had hurt Monica….he was just hurting people and he had to be stopped. Somehow.

"You know, I'd say something...but I kinda believe in karma and the knowledge that you'll probably drink yourself into early grave and die alone before you reach thirty...well, that's enough to help me sleep at nights," Rachel said as she walked off towards the kitchen where Monica was getting Chandler's mac and cheese ready. She was shaking, how dare Monica now have to make that jerk a special dinner just because he felt he was too good for Thanksgiving food? He should be making them Thanksgiving food.

"Oh, G-d….I hate that guy," Rachel said.

"Me too."

"He's already drinking and he is so….so-"

"He didn't even apologize for calling me fat. He lied and said I looked good last year too. He is such a liar."

"He will die alone," Rachel said.

"Totally, I mean who would wanna marry that guy?" Monica said.

"I'd love to get revenge on him. For all the assholey things he's done. Like putting peanut butter on my car and-and-he said I was dead inside and…."

"Well, what do you wanna do?" Monica asked. A slightly evil grin appeared on Rachel's face, she loved that Monica was on board. Maybe Monica's crush on Chandler had vanished. That was good and maybe now she could do something and she could use Monica to exact her revenge.

"You should wanna get revenge too," Rachel said.

"Oh, I don't know."

No, no, Monica could not back out now. He was going down.

"You should sleep with him and the laugh at his thingy," Rachel said.

"I am not giving him my flower."

Rachel rolled her eyes. She was still calling it that?

"Stop calling it that. Wait, I have an idea. What if you get him to take off his clothes and throw his clothes out the window?"

"How will I do that? And why do I have to do that?"

"Because that would mean I'd have to talk to him for longer than three seconds and-and he clearly likes you more."

"He called me fat," Monica said.

The wheels in Rachel's head were spinning wildly. Monica had to do it, Chandler seemed to actually like Monica, despite calling her fat although, that was why Monica should do it. To get revenge for calling Monica fat.

"That's why you should do it. More so than me. He's the reason, right? The reason you lost the weight in the way you did, right?" Rachel asked.

"What?"

"He drove you to….to-"

"To what, Rach?"

"Bulimia."

"I'm not bulimic," Monica said.

"He triggered it," Rachel said, she was pushing Monica. Monica had to do it. Chandler was the reason Monica decided to lose weight. Yes, Chandler had hurt Rachel but Monica was the one that liked him. Rachel knew Chandler wouldn't willingly be in one room with her for longer than he had to be but he would be in the same room with Monica.

"He did not. It had nothing to do with him and you don't know, okay…I-"

"He called you fat. You should be furious and-and really want revenge. Think about how much fun it would be to humiliate him," Rachel said, staring at Monica with a very intense look. She wanted to take him down and she needed Monica to do so. How dare he say she was dead inside? How dare he hurt her the way he had? She was in pain, so much pain and he put peanut butter on her car and had the nerve to stand there in the Geller home and say those words to her. He was going down.

"It would be," Monica said.

And Rachel had hooked Monica. This would be amazing.

"All you have to do is get him to take his clothes off, just pretend like everything turns you on and be really sexy and….just get him upstairs."

A grin spread across Rachel's face as she kept describing her plan to Monica who was staring and watching when Chandler walked into the kitchen, drinking. Of course he was drinking, he was always drinking. Rachel glared at him as she walked towards him.

"Hi, asshole," Rachel said.

"Waiting for you to run off the cliff," Chandler said.

"You're gonna die alone," Rachel said as she walked out of the kitchen and walked into the living room, waiting for the fall out. Ross approached and continued to talk to her, something about his new girlfriend, Carol, and some other stuff but Rachel wasn't listening. She kept staring at the door when suddenly there was a loud, blood curdling scream coming from the kitchen and everyone raced in to find Monica hyperventilating and a knife sticking out of Chandler's shoe.

It was a whirlwind and on the way to the hospital, she kept trying to comprehend everything. Rachel had wanted him to be humiliated but instead Monica had cut off his toe. Rachel felt nauseous and Monica was in tears. What had gone wrong in that kitchen? How did it go so horribly wrong?

Hours later, after they had come back from the hospital, Chandler was passed out in the guest room and Monica was freaking out to Rachel and Ross. They were sitting in Chandler's Corvette. Rachel was sitting in the driver's seat, Ross in back and Monica in the passenger's seat. When they had gotten back from the hospital, Rachel decided maybe she should go back to the dorms but when she saw how close Chandler had parked to her car, she had talked Ross into letting her take the Corvette for a spin and she was waiting to do just that….except Ross would not give her the damn keys.

"This is all your fault," Monica said.

"I didn't tell you to cut off his toe," Rachel said.

"What were you trying to do?" Ross asked.

"Embarrass him," Monica said.

"'Cause he called Monica fat," Rachel said.

"When?" Ross asked.

"Last Thanksgiving, I overheard him talking to you and he called me fat and-and he was mean to you, Rachel."

"True, but you know what….it wasn't the entire toe and maybe this will knock him down a few notches," Rachel said.

"Rach," Monica said.

"Alright, I wanna drive the Corvette," Rachel said as she reached her hand towards Ross.

"I can't let you drive Sally," Ross said.

"He blocked me in, I can't even move my car. He owes me."

"I cut off his toe, I think we've done enough."

"Give me the keys to his car, Ross. If you give me the keys, I'll flash you," Rachel said and immediately, Ross handed the keys to Rachel. Rachel started the car and began driving. It felt amazing driving that car and she wondered how far she could drive it although Ross and Monica were talking too much and making it hard to concentrate on maybe driving the car to Los Angeles.

"They gave him pain pills," Monica said.

"Yeah, they did," Ross said.

"Why were you so upset that they gave him pills?" Rachel asked. Ross had told the doctors not to give Chandler pills. Rachel wanted to care, she really did but every single time she tried to care, she remembered Chandler telling her that she was dead inside.

"Because he's an addict that doesn't realize he's an addict. This is not going to end well. The man has a pharmacy in his drawer at school," Ross said.

"Oh, G-d….he really is a loser."

"Rachel, you don't get it," Ross said.

"Well, hopefully he'll overdose, die and I'll get the car," Rachel said.

"Rachel," Monica said.

"Whatever, he'll be fine," Rachel said, rolling her eyes. She knew she was being vicious but they didn't understand. She had an abortion, she had aborted a pregnancy and he told her she was dead inside. At that moment, she didn't give a shit about what happened to him.

"I hope so," Monica said.

Rachel kept driving around and around. She imagined driving somewhere, anywhere. What if she did drive to Los Angeles although she wasn't quite sure how to get there from Long Island. She knew she had to get on the 80 or the 40. She wasn't sure but it would take about 40, 45 hours of nonstop driving. It could work.

"Does Lizzie know what happened?" Monica asked.

"Yeah and I told her about the pain pills," Ross said, "we're gonna have to figure something out so he doesn't kill himself."

"I don't wanna talk about this," Rachel said. She was sick of him. She didn't want to hear Chandler's name and he didn't deserve the car, she did. He'd probably wreck it somehow.

"Why not?" Monica asked.

"Because he's worthless and cruel and he's just not a good person," Rachel argued, "although this car is awesome."

Rachel kept driving, trying to tune out Ross and Monica. She turned on the radio, letting the music dictate her imagination. She had gotten revenge. Sure, it went a little farther than she had wanted it to go but she had brought him down. He was now without a bit of his toe. That would teach him to mess with her.

Friday night, she, Kiki, Leslie and Joanne had decided on a Friendsgiving. They had also invited Mindy, Sharon, Melissa and Nancy and as many guys as they could fit into their suite. There was booze and food and Rachel was loving telling the story of Chandler, especially to Nancy.

"His toe was cut off?" Nancy asked.

"I know. It was hilarious and he's a drug addict as well," Rachel said.

"How cute," Nancy said.

"He's a total catch. What girl wouldn't wanna guy like that?" Rachel asked as she took another shot.

"I can't believe Monicow cut his toe off. What a loser ," Nancy said.

"Oh, no….no, no….she is no longer Monicow," Rachel said.

"What is she?" Nancy asked.

"Bulimic," Rachel said. Nancy's mouth dropped and Rachel nodded. She knew she was being mean but part of her no longer cared. Monica wanted to be involved with a loser like that then she could, Rachel would have no part of it.

"Why were you even friends with the Gellers?" Mindy asked.

"She wasn't friends with them. She was only nice to them because she pitied them," Nancy said.

"So not true. I am not a mean girl," Rachel said.

"You kind of are," Joanne said, sitting down with them.

"How did I get this reputation?" Rachel asked.

"Because we've known you forever," Sharon said.

"I wanna go find Chandler's car and fill it with pills," Rachel said.

"We should do something to his car. He vandalized both of our cars," Nancy said.

"Yeah, we should." Rachel said.

"We should key it," Mindy said.

"No, that's too far….we could slash his tires," Rachel said.

The girls looked at each other and immediately began planning. They were all drunk and decided they needed someone sober to drive them, so they called on their friend, Barry, to drive them. Rachel knew Chandler's car would still be parked in front of the Gellers and sure enough, it was. It was late that Friday night and Rachel and Nancy got out of the car and immediately slashed all four of his tires and threw about twenty or thirty bottles of Tylenol and Advil in the driver's seat and began pouring bottles of booze on the car. Rachel's heart was pounding as she did it, but it felt empowering. Strangely empowering. As she got back into Barry's car, she looked back at the Geller house as Barry started the car. She had unknowingly been caught. Ross was standing in the doorway, staring straight at her. Their eyes locked as Nancy, Mindy, Sharon and Joanne were cheering and Barry sped off. Rachel turned and looked back to see Ross walking out towards the Corvette, shaking his head. She felt her heart drop to her stomach and she knew that would have to be the last Thanksgiving she would spend with the Gellers which actually seemed okay with her. She had gone too far and she didn't particularly care.

When they got back to their dorms, the party continued. They drank even more and at some point, someone passed around a joint which Rachel smoked as well. She was completely out of it and soon passed out. The next morning, she woke up with a horrible headache. There were about forty people passed out around her. As she woke up, she noticed Barry sleeping near her. She didn't know Barry very well, just that he was their driver for last night's craziness. She gently poked him as he let out a groan and woke up.

"Hey," Rachel groaned.

"I feel sick," Barry moaned.

"Me too. Thanks for driving last night."

"No problem."

"I don't think I will ever be allowed back at the Gellers," Rachel said.

"I think you'll survive."

"I will."

Rachel lay back down, not ready to move yet. She closed her eyes and she could see Ross in her head. She prayed he wouldn't say anything to Chandler or Monica. She felt this overwhelming sadness come over her as she knew she would never be able to go back. She would never be able to be part of the Geller world. She had destroyed that.

Ross never called her to discuss what had happened and it was clear he had not told Monica because Monica's phone calls were getting more and more frequent and were all about Chandler. Apparently, Chandler had become hooked on pain pills and was drinking heavily. He was apparently spinning wildly out of control and Monica wanted Rachel's help. Rachel wanted out. She couldn't be near them. She especially could not be near Ross. She knew she had done a bad thing and she especially did not want to see Chandler strung out on drugs as that would make her feel worse so she concentrated on her finals and Vail. Mindy, Sharon, Nancy, Kiki, Joanne, Leslie, Melissa and Rachel had all planned on a trip to Vail over Winter Break. Kiki had a cabin in Colorado and they would be going skiing and with each girl bringing a guy, it would be a large group of sixteen people. Barry was Rachel's date. After Thanksgiving, a friendship was forming between Rachel and Barry. He wanted to be an orthodontist and she liked him. He was safe and nice. Unlike with Chip, she did not need to worry that he would cheat on her. Although, he did remind her a bit of a potato but that was okay. She could not wait for Vail. This was going to be the perfect winter break and she did not want to spend it taking care of Chandler which is what Monica kept calling to ask.

"He's dying," Monica cried to Rachel one night before Winter Break. Rachel was annoyed. She was lying in her bed with Barry. They would be going to Vail the next day.

"Let him die then," Rachel said. Barry made a face and laughed a little. Rachel playfully poked him.

"Rach," Monica said.

"Seriously, the world will be better off without him. Besides, who would miss him?" Rachel asked as Barry poked her back. She tried not to giggle as Monica seemed upset.

"I would and Rach, it's our fault. If you hadn't pressured me-" Monica said.

"I never said cut off his limbs, that was all you babe," Rachel said.

"Why are you being so callous?" Monica asked.

"I'm not. I'm just saying he's a waste of space so who really gives a fuck?" Rachel asked.

"You are a bad girl," Barry whispered as Rachel shushed him.

"Do you know what callous means?" Monica asked.

"Mon, I wouldn't worry about it. If he dies, he dies. He's obviously a coward and a worthless piece of nothing," Rachel said.

"You are a naughty girl," Barry whispered again. Rachel shushed him again.

"Look, over Winter Break, Ross and Lizzie-" Monica said.

"Lizzie?" Rachel asked.

"Chandler's girlfriend." Monica said.

"Oh, yeah...poor girl. I wonder how much she has to pay him a month," Rachel said.

"I don't think she has to pay him," Monica said.

"Oh, that's even worse. How pathetic is she? So sad. I feel bad for anyone who dates that guy. Anyone who dates him definitely suffers from serious low self esteem," Rachel said, looking over at Barry who shook his head.

"I may have to spank you," Barry whispered.

"Shush," Rachel said, smacking him.

"Definitely going to have to spank you," Barry said.

"Rachel, Lizzie and Ross and I...and probably Carol, are going to Chandler's house over Winter Break so he doesn't have to be alone. Do you want to come?" Monica asked.

"I'd rather puke and die," Rachel said. Barry's eyes widened. Rachel glared at him and pointed towards her door. Barry laughed and walked out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Rachel shook her head as she turned back to the phone.

"Pleasant," Monica said.

"Besides, I can't anyway. I'm going to Vail with my girls and...Barry."

"Who's Barry?"

"This guy...he's wants to be a doctor."

"Wow. So what's he like?"

"He's gonna be a doctor."

"Yeah, but what's his personality like? What does he look like?"

"He's...he's gonna be a doctor and he...well, he's got a personality. He...can be fun. He...is lovely and he's...attractive."

Rachel knew she hadn't described Barry all that well but she didn't know him very well. He was going to be a doctor which was important. Everyone else wanted her to marry a doctor...and she accepted that was exactly what she needed to do.

"He sounds delightful."

"He's gonna be rich. It doesn't matter. I mean, this is so important, Mon. If this vacation goes well...even if he doesn't become a doctor which I think he will be, his family is loaded. I will be beyond wealthy and I'll never have to worry about anything. I'll never have to work, nothing...this has to go well."

It would be great. It was the new plan. Maybe not her original plan but it would make everyone else happy and it wouldn't be bad. She could be taken care of and continue making clothes as her hobby.

"Well, good luck. As long as he makes you happy."

"I'm gonna be rich, of course I'll be happy. It's just...well, there is one thing."

"What?"

"I don't know. But sometimes when I look at him, I crave potatoes."

Monica laughed, "potatoes?"

"Yeah, it's weird. I'll get over it. I'll marry Mr. Potato Head if it means I will be wealthy forever. It's the dream."

"Sure...so I guess you're out for helping Chandler?"

"Oh, yeah."

"Well, do you wanna grab lunch or something before you go?"

"I have so much to do...in fact, I really have to go. I'll talk to you later."

And with that, Rachel hung up the phone. She felt mean lying there. She felt so mean, but this was good. She needed to cut off ties from the Gellers. A few minutes later though, her phone rang again.

"Hello?" Rachel asked.

"It's Ross. You're not coming to help Chandler?"

"He's not my friend. He's your friend."

"I didn't tell Mon or Chandler what I saw you and your friends doing."

"I don't care."

"I'm not sure you get how serious this is. He's going to flunk out of school. He is completely spiraling. You really crossed the line with-"

"I don't care."

"Rach, what are you doing? This isn't you."

"How do you know? You don't know me. You're just the older brother of a girl I went to high school with."

"Really?"

"Yes. That is all."

"Okay."

"I have to go. I'm going to Vail."

"Okay, good luck to you Rachel."

And with that Ross hung up, as did Rachel. She rested her head against the wall as tears began falling down her face. She knew she had destroyed that friendship. Her relationship with the Gellers would never be the same.

The next day, she went to Vail. She sat with Barry and once at the cabin, they went skiing and kissed as the ball dropped on New Years, ringing in the beginning of 1989. With Barry's arm around her and surrounded by her newest group of friends, she knew 1989 would change the direction of her life. She would be moving from the comfort of the Gellers and towards the life she knew was planned for her.


	14. Chapter 14

Summer 1989

Her freshman year of college was done and she was now nineteen years old. Ever since winter break when Rachel had chosen Vail over going to help Chandler, she had tried to distance herself more and more from the Geller family. She had cut off all contact even though Monica kept calling but she'd always make up an excuse to hang up or she would not return the call. She wanted nothing to do with them. Monica and Ross clearly wanted to get sucked up in this weird, twisted world of helping someone that was spiraling and she wanted to enjoy college and that is exactly what she did. She, along with Kiki, Joanne, Leslie, Nancy, Sharon, Mindy and Melissa were all accepted into the Kappa Kappa sorority and they would all living in the Kappa Kappa house for their sophomore year. That was going to be fun and they all wanted to share rooms which would be even more fun. They were now her sisters and she was ready. Amy had graduated and was moving into a condo that their dad had bought for her. She would be living with a boyfriend, some guy that Rachel didn't know very well. It didn't matter. She was where she needed to be, where she was supposed to be.

Rachel and her girls, along with eight male friends, had decided on a trip to celebrate the end of their freshman year. The group of sixteen had decided on Amsterdam. They rented a large, expensive townhouse and would call it home for the summer. This was going to be amazing. She was away from everyone. She was seeing the world for the first time. She was out of New York, seeing the the world after a seven and a half hour flight across the Atlantic. She loved not having to answer to her parents, to the Gellers. She was just on her own with her friends.

"And to celebrate," Kiki's boyfriend, Alex, said as the friends settled in after the flight. They were all gathered in the living room. Alex and Kiki brought out several trays of brownies.

"These are special Amsterdam brownies," Kiki said.

"Do I even wanna know what's in them?" Rachel said.

"No...but we have beer to wash it down," Kiki smiled as the brownies were passed around. Rachel happily grabbed a brownie and took a bite. They were delicious and with a very distinct pot smell.

"Oooo, we are so getting high," Rachel said, "Oh, Monica would so judge me right now."

"No, Geller talk. You are forbidden from discussing Geek and Cow," Nancy said.

"Bulimic Cow," Rachel giggled. "And what does the bulimic cow say...blech. Is it hitting me already?"

"No, I think that's just you," Barry said, patting her hand.

"Well, then I'm a bitch," Rachel said as she ate more brownie and grabbed a beer. The brownies led to incessant giggling and sitting out on the balcony drinking more beer and smoking more pot with Barry. She was happy when Barry had decided to come on the trip. She was starting to like him.

"So Barry…you wanna be a doctor."

"I like teeth."

That response made Rachel laugh and she wasn't sure why.

"That's why you wanna be an ortho-dont-ist."

"Exactly."

"Did anyone ever tell you...you look a potato," Rachel said.

"I do not look like a potato," Barry said.

"Yeah, uh-huh….you look like a potato," Rachel said as she began cracking up. "But it's okay because I like French fries."

"You are so high," Barry said, laughing as well.

"So are you...bitch...you bitch...awww, bitchy bitch," Rachel said as she took another drag on her joint.

"Hey, Ray Ray…." Melissa said, stumbling out on balcony. She was also drunk.

"Melly, Mel...Mel….we're high," Rachel said.

"I know. But okay...we're gonna go swimming," Melissa said.

"Okay...let's do that," Rachel said as she struggled to stand up. She grabbed Barry's hand and the two stumbled back into the condo. The group began stumbling down the street towards a waterway that was right out their condo. Perhaps it was the pot, perhaps it was the booze but soon they found themselves in the water with their clothes off, swimming and splashing around. Rachel could feel Barry's arm around around her and she turned and smiled at him.

"You're cute," Barry said.

"So are you," Rachel said.

"Do I still look like a potato?" Barry asked.

"You are my potato," Rachel said, kissing him.

"Wait, wait….we can't kiss here," Barry said.

"Why not?"

"We're in public."

"We're trashed in Amsterdam, grow a pair...and honey we're naked," Rachel said, reaching her hand forward towards Barry and grabbing a hold of him. She grinned as his eyes widened.

"You're crazy," Barry said as they kissed. They continued to swim and splash around, all together. Rachel had never been skinny dipping let alone skinning dipping with fifteen other people. They continued playing until it got too cold and went back into the condo to continue drinking until they had all completely passed out.

A few nights in, Barry wanted to take Rachel on a date. Rachel was dressed in a her fanciest black dress and Barry was in a suit. They were drinking wine and eating food with names they couldn't pronounce.

"So Barry….why do you want to be an orthodontist?" Rachel asked, deciding to get to know him.

"I like helping people. I like making people have brighter smiles."

"That's sweet. I always wanted to be a fashion designer or have my own store."

"That's tough though. Most stores go out of business and it depends on the economy and it's probably next to impossible to be successful as a fashion designer."

"Probably. My parents think it's a great hobby," Rachel said as she sipped her wine.

"It would be….I like you, Rachel."

"I like you too."

Rachel enjoyed sitting with Barry getting to know him. He was sweet. Nice, kind hearted... She liked that he protected her, he seemed to calm her and yet she worked to bring the fun out of him. They were in Amsterdam for an entire summer with their friends and she would not spend the entire summer just going to fancy restaurants and enjoying concerts.

She had read about a club that only let the wealthy in, the famous, so naturally, she wanted to get in. She wanted to be in that club and when she brought it up to the rest of the group, it seemed to be the best plan although Barry did try to think logically.

"We won't get in. We can't pretend to be famous people," Barry said.

"Actually, we can….Melissa, has anyone ever told you that you look like Winona Ryder," Rachel said.

"Why yes they have," Melissa said.

"So make the call, say, hey I was in Beetlejuice and Heathers and don't you know who I am?" Rachel asked, grinning.

"And I think I have a movie coming out," Melissa said.

"You gotta make the call," Rachel said, handing her the phone. Melissa quickly grabbed it and dialed the number.

"Hi, I'm Winona Ryder. I'd like to reserve a VIP area for me and and fifteen closest friends," Melissa said walking off.

"Do you think this such a good idea?" Barry asked, pulling Rachel aside.

"Barry, we're nineteen. Live a little. How often in life do you get to pretend to be a member of an entourage for someone pretending to be a celebrity," Rachel said.

"Almost never," Barry said.

"Play with me, Bar. Be wild and free….you're not an orthodontist yet," Rachel said. Barry nodded as she got up and changed into the sexiest outfit she could find in her bag. As she was adjusting her tight red strapless dress, Kiki walked wearing a long bright pink wig and handed her a long blonde one.

"Why am I wearing a wig?" Rachel asked.

"Because...why not? I wanna wear a pink one," Kiki said.

"You are a crazy person. I don't think I'd look good as a blonde," Rachel said.

"Yes, you would. Don't be ridiculous," Kiki said.

Rachel pulled her brown hair back into a tight bun and put on the long blonde wig, teasing it a little. What a way to end her freshman year with such fun, there were brief moments where she wondered about Monica, maybe calling her to check in. She had heard Ross was an hour or so flight away in Israel but as she stood there staring at herself in her long blonde wig, she really did not care. She did not care about the Gellers, where she was currently was far better. There was no drama, just fun.

Once in club called, Jimmy Woo, Rachel was stunned by how amazing in looked on the inside. The dimly lit dance floor, the plushy white couches, their own VIP area thanks to Melissa. As soon as they made themselves comfortable in their area, a waiter approached them to hand them drinks. They drank quite a bit and Rachel was definitely feeling it and soon the girls of the group were getting approached by guys asking to dance. When one man in particular walked up to Rachel, she looked at Barry who simply nodded that it was okay. The man grabbed her hand and took her onto the dance floor.

"Hey," she said as he held her close.

"Hi. I'm Luke."

"I'm Rachel."

"You look sexy."

"Thank you."

"Is that your real hair?" Luke asked.

"Maybe," Rachel said, her heart pounding at how close they were dancing.

"My brother used to date a girl with hair like yours," Luke said, "he died about about sixteen months ago."

"I'm sorry, what was his name?"

"Tomas. He was killed by this girl he was seeing. The girl was a tramp. Blonde, tall….she was from the States. He was living in Prague. It was ruled an accident. It wasn't, between you and me," Luke said.

"Scary. Let's not talk about scary things."

"Let's not."

Rachel felt a little nervous dancing with this guy but she kept looking back at Barry who was staring straight at her. She nodded a little bit and Barry got up and walked towards them.

"Hey there man, can I dance with my girlfriend?" Barry said.

"Sure, sure," Luke said before walking off. Barry wrapped his arms around Rachel's waist as she grinned wildly.

"Oh my G-d," Rachel said.

"He seemed like a lovely young man," Barry said.

"He was telling me how his brother lived in Prague and was killed off by a girl."

"We can go party with him."

"No. No. How did he get in here?"

"I don't know."

"Don't leave me, Bar," Rachel said.

"I won't. You need me, Rach. I keep you out of trouble."

"Yeah," Rachel said as they shared a kiss, Barry held her tightly. She felt so safe with Barry. He would protect her, she was always the one that got in trouble so maybe Barry was exactly what she needed. She needed someone to reel her, to keep her from going too far overboard.

After the clubbing, the group headed down to the Red Light District. They were all completely wasted and a little high. Rachel and Barry were strolling hand in hand, looking at the prostitutes modeling in the windows. As they walked, they were approached by Luke from the club and his buddies who invited them to one of the brothels where there was an after party.

"I can't believe I'm here," Barry said, shaking his head.

"Come on, let's play Bar," Rachel said as she grabbed his hand and walked towards one of the prostitutes. She was very drunk, she knew that. She whispered into the ear of the prostitute named, Elsie who simply nodded and the three walked into a back room. She, Barry and Elsie spent a night that Rachel would never quite forget and she knew neither would Barry. There was touching, kissing, so much heat and even more booze. They would never turn back now.

They weren't sure of the time when she and Barry woke up in one of the bedrooms of their condo late the next day. Rachel could not stop grinning as Barry kept kissing her.

"I cannot believe we did that last night," Barry said.

"I know. You reel me in and I reel you out. It was fun. I mean, how many orthodontists can say they have engaged in threesomes with prostitutes in Amsterdam."

"Not many," Barry said as he kissed her. She kissed back. She was actually falling for him. Maybe he wasn't crazy or wild, but she could take care of that.

It had been the trip of a lifetime, nights were spent clubbing or cruising the Red Light District and watching the sun rise while still drunk and high on pot. Days were spent nursing hangovers and enjoying being in this new part of the world. She liked this. She loved this. She loved living like this and by the end of the trip, the large group had decided that every school break they had, they'd take a trip. Vail in the winter, Mexico perhaps during Spring Break and a trip somewhere around the world during the summer. Maybe Long Island wasn't her prison, this was her life, a life she could definitely get used to.

Arriving home almost depressed her, it was late August and she had a week at home before having to move into the sorority house. She wanted to go back but first she needed to take care of business. She never thought she'd ever have to do do this. She was hoping Monica would take the hint but she had left countless messages for Rachel over the summer which confused her because she thought someone would tell Monica where she was. She really had tried to distance herself from the Gellers wanting nothing to do with them but Monica really did not seem to let go. She had even sent a letter to Rachel talking about friendship and rambling about random stuff. Rachel knew what she had to do. It was late at night and she picked up the phone to call Monica.

"Monica, it's Rachel."

"Oh my G-d, Rach….I have so much to tell you."

"Monica, I called to ask you to stop contacting me," Rachel said, feeling her heart breaking. She kept thinking about Amsterdam and she imagined herself telling Monica all the wonders of that trip but she couldn't. Monica wouldn't understand. She'd want to discuss Chandler or things that no longer really concerned Rachel.

"What?"

"Look, I got your letter and I was hoping you would take the hint. I don't want to be your friend. We're at completely different levels in our lives. I'm dating a guy who is going to be a doctor. I'm guaranteed to be set for life. You wanna be a chef," Rachel said, feeling like she was outside herself. This did not seem real.

"So?"

"You knew our friendship was not going to last past high school," Rachel said, knowing that sounded mean but she need to cut ties. That stuff that she had done on that trip, Monica would never have done.

"But-"

"I gotta go. Have a good life, Mon."

And with that Rachel hung up and she began shaking and began to cry. She picked up the phone again and called Barry who immediately picked her up and took her to The Lake House, a five star restaurant in Long Island. This was definitely far removed from any outing at Scoops Ice Cream Shoppe or the abandoned drive in.

"It's sad though," Rachel said as they sat across from each other, eating chicken and steak.

"Yeah, but you did the right thing," Barry said.

"I did?"

"Yeah, what do you think she did this summer?"

"I don't know. I think she worked at a catering company."

"You don't need to work. I'll take care of you and we will see the world. You went to Amsterdam this summer. We had a threesome in the Red Light District. We went skinny dipping. She served cheese and crackers to strangers. She's not at your level anymore. You're so above that. You're above her."

"Yeah...although what am I going to do for Thanksgiving now?" Rachel asked. It sounded strange to think like that but maybe it was true? Monica's life was in the city. That was an hour, almost two hour drive away from her. Maybe Barry had a point.

"You'll spend it with my family. You come from a different world than she does. The world is your playground and I guarantee you, if you stick with me, you will never have to work a day in your life. You can sit at home, watch soaps and make clothes all day long."

"That sounds amazing," Rachel said, although a little amazed that he could make those promises now.

"It's a good life."

Rachel nodded. She had loved that summer and she was glad she didn't have to work, she didn't have to intern or cater to people as she knew Monica had. It would be nice to just travel and be taken care of and maybe Barry was right. Monica and Rachel were high school friends, that's all they were destined to be.


	15. Chapter 15

Okay, is anyone reading this? A shout out to Mschanadlerbong26_….I think you might be the only person reading this story! So to the only person reading this, enjoy! :) Seriously? Is anyone reading this? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Please read….and review. _

November 1989-May 1990

The Lake House for Thanksgiving. It felt very strange not going to the Geller family for Thanksgiving. She hadn't spent Thanksgiving with her family in two years but there she was with her family and Barry's family all sitting together in their fanciest of clothes. Rachel sat with Barry. Twenty two year old Amy was with her newest boyfriend, Rachel didn't really bother remembering his name as she figured he'd be gone in a few months just like Amy's last boyfriend. SIxteen year old Jill was complaining that she had to be there in the first place and without a date. It was a gorgeously stunning restaurant, overlooking a lake and the company was alright. Barry's parents seemed nice and they got along well with her parents and she liked talking with Barry's older brother, Brian. Brian was the exact opposite of Barry. Barry always seemed to play it safe, she was always the one trying to get Barry to go out. Ever since they had gotten back to school, Barry was throwing himself into his studies. She was considered the wild one.

"So, what are you doing with my brother here?" Brian asked, taking a bite of his steak. Barry put his arm around Rachel and gently kissed her head as she grinned.

"She loves me," Barry said.

"You're boring," Brian joked.

"But Rachel gets me out of my shell," Barry said.

"I don't buy it," Brian said.

"I have. I can be fun," Rachel said.

"I am so bored," Jill whined sitting next to her. "Why am I here?"

"Here," Brian said, grabbing a bottle of wine off the table and pouring wine into Jill's glass. Rachel's mouth dropped.

"She's sixteen," Rachel admonished.

"Oh, please. You can't tell me you didn't get wasted at sixteen," Brian said.

"She got more than wasted at sixteen," Amy muttered, taking a sip of her wine. Rachel shot her a look.

"Uh, what?" Rachel asked.

"Nothing," Amy said.

"Jill, are you drinking?" Leonard asked.

"Rachel gave it to me," Jill said.

"I did not," Rachel said.

"Oh, Rachel...she's the middle child...you know what they say about the middle child," Sandra joked, looking at Barry's mom, Alice.

"I've heard that," Alice said. "But she's good for Barry, right Jared." Jared was Barry's father. He was a taller, older looking gentleman.

"I have," Jared said.

"You are an evil child," Rachel said, looking at Jill.

"I learned from my big sister," Jill said picking up the wine glass and bringing it to her lips.

"Not from this sister," Rachel said, grabbing the glass and taking a large gulp.

"You're not twenty one," Jill said.

"I'm closer to it than you are," Rachel said as she finished the rest of the wine and held out her glass to Brian who poured her another glass. She let out a giggle as she drank her wine and Jill let out a very annoyed, pained sigh.

"So, Rachel dear….how are you liking college?" Alice asked.

"I like it. I'm a Kappa Kappa and I'm gonna major in film studies and I'm taking an elective in costume design. it's so cool. It's about the history of clothes in movies and the clothes also tell a story and-"

"Our little Rachel has always been a fashionista," Sandra said.

"That's sweet," Alice said, "I'm a bit of a shopper too."

"Yeah. It's a hobby." Rachel said, bringing the glass to her lips and taking another sip.

"Did you ever make anything?" Brian asked.

"I made my prom dress," Rachel said.

"Oh and tried to pass it off as Armani. That was funny," Jill said.

"Yeah, it was definitely kick you in the crotch, spit on your neck fantastic," Rachel grinned.

"Rachel," Sandra admonished. Rachel shook her head as she continued sitting there, between Jill and Barry. This was a different sort of Thanksgiving. She was curious as to what was happening at the Gellers. She wondered if Chandler was there? She wondered if they mentioned her or maybe not. She had moved on and maybe they had as well.

That winter break was spent in Vail, a month in Vail just like the previous year. She was good at skiing, loved standing up there at the top of the ice covered mountain and speeding down, feeling the wind slapping her across the face. She was in her own world on the mountains of Colorado. She was game for harder courses and would ski until she tired herself out.

After skiing, Rachel and the rest of her friends all gathered in Kiki's cabin for drinks and food that Joanne, Kiki and Leslie would make for the rest of the group.

"I can help," Rachel said, sipping champagne and sitting on the counter watching Kiki, Leslie and Joanne make pizzas and salad.

"Honey, you almost set fire to this place," Kiki said.

"You burn toast the one time," Rachel mused.

"Yeah, if you and Barry get married you will be the worst housewife ever," Kiki said.

"I wouldn't be a bad housewife," Rachel said. "I'd hire a good maid."

"Could imagine you and Barry getting married?" Joanne asked.

"No, but we're only nineteen. I don't have to think about marriage now," Rachel said as she jumped off the counter and walked out of the kitchen and into living room where Barry was sitting with the other guys as well as Melissa, Nancy, Sharon and Mindy. She plopped down next to Barry as he kissed her on the head.

"So we're gonna go rent some movies," Barry said, "Rach, what's your favorite?"

"I-I like Spaceballs….or Airplane," Rachel said.

"Those are so stupid," Sharon said.

"Yeah, we're not gonna get those," Barry said.

"Yeah, I was joking. I really love Terms of Endearment," Rachel said.

The rest of the group seemed to agree with that decision as well as a few other movies. Rachel remained quiet and the movies rented were all serious, long and involved crying. She knew she would have to now keep quiet about her real favorite movies.

It wasn't until April of 1990 when she had gotten a phone call from her mother about Monica. Things were going well and she and her friends had just gotten back from a spring break in Cabo when she got a call from her mom. Monica had collapsed. Something about not eating, something about feeling light headed. Rachel immediately thought back to how Monica had looked that last time she had seen her. Sandra gave her the number of the hospital and Rachel thought of visiting but she wasn't quite sure if she should. She had not spoken to Monica in eight months. Eight months of not speaking and she wondered if she should call. She stared at her phone, her eyes filling with tears as she picked up the phone. Monica needed to be okay. Her hand shaking as she dialed the number

"Hello?" Monica asked, "Hello?"

Rachel could barely speak as she opened her mouth, not sure what to say. Eight months.

"M-M-Monica?"

"Yes?"

"Monica…it's Rachel."

"Rachel. What-why-how-"

"Your mom told my mom and my mom called me and gave me the number to the hospital and-well-don't tell anyone I'm calling."

"Okay? Rachel, I'm not-what…"

Rachel wasn't sure what to say. Why was Monica in the hospital? What had she done to herself? She hated thinking Monica was hurting herself, that was her rock. Even though she knew she wasn't being the greatest friend.

"Please don't hurt yourself. Please just don't. I know we're not-I'm not-I know it's weird-it's just-"

"Rachel, why are you calling me? We're not friends anymore, right? You made that clear."

That made her heart break a little. She hated that Monica didn't seem to like her anymore.

"I know but…just…please stop. Please. Just take care of yourself," Rachel said.

"I don't get you, Rachel."

"I don't get me either. Just…I'm going through stuff," Rachel said although she wasn't sure what she was going through.

"I don't wanna talk about you."

"I know. Just….I'm not a horrible person and I care about you a lot. Even though things aren't great. I mean, I'm dating this guy…Barry. He's weird but nice and…it's…just please."

"Rachel…you will always be my friend. You will always have a place in my life. Even when you aren't here, you will still be in my life."

"Really?" Rachel asked. That meant so much to her.

"Yes. With a box of Twinkies."

"Thank you. I'm gonna go."

"Okay."

And with that, Rachel hung up and let out a sigh. She should do more, maybe she should go to the hospital. She could drive to the city. Her mom had told her what hospital Monica was at. Maybe she could go there. She got up and walked out of her sorority and found her car, deciding to make the trek to the city.

She pulled into the lot of the hospital, her heart pounding. What would she say to the Gellers. She had made it clear she wanted nothing to do with them and she was pretty sure they were pissed at her. As she walked towards the front of the hospital, she jumped a little when she saw Ross walking towards her. He was alone. He stopped when he saw her.

"Rachel?" Ross asked, looking confused.

"Hey. I wanted-I don't know."

"I was going to get dinner."

"Oh," Rachel kept looking at the ground. This was a mistake.

"You know I never told Monica or Chandler what I saw you do to Chandler's car that Thanksgiving."

"Thank you...are you still friends with Chandler?" Rachel asked.

"Yeah. His birthday was a couple days ago."

"Cool….this was a mistake, I shouldn't be here. Monica doesn't wanna see me and I have a boyfriend," Rachel said.

"Good for you," Ross said.

Rachel turned and began to walk back towards her car when suddenly Ross was walking next to her. She began walking faster.

"Where are you going? Why are you following me?"

"You wanna have dinner with me?" Ross asked.

"No. No, no...I don't….I can't...okay, this was wrong and you know, my favorite movie is Terms of Endearment and leave me alone and don't tell Monica I was here," Rachel said as she reached her car and got inside. She locked the doors and Ross tried to open the door, he kept tapping on the windows but Rachel did not want to let him in. She started her car and Ross shook his head, soon stepping out of the way as Rachel backed out of her spot and drove off. She had made her decision, she had closed the door on that chapter of her life. She was going to go forth into a new chapter. Her sophomore year of college would soon be coming to an end and she would be twenty years old. Her twenties would be new changes. Saying goodbye to her teens and to the life she was supposed to have, with Barry, with her friends, that life. The Gellers would not be part of that life and that was the way it would have to be.

Her twentieth birthday was that May and was spent on her father's boat surrounded by friends and with Barry. She lay out on the deck, drinking champagne and soaking in the sun. This was her new life and the perfect way to start the next chapter of her life.


	16. Chapter 16

**June 1990-September 1990**

The trip before junior year of college was to Paris, France. They had taken over a large hotel suite in France and all Rachel could dream of doing was going to every fashion house in Paris. She wanted so badly to absorb herself in what she loved, although she knew it was destined to just be a hobby. Her mornings were spent eating chocolate croissants, drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes in cafes while reading fashion magazines with her friends, being amazed by her world.

"I could live here," Rachel cooed over a breakfast with the other girls.

"Smoking is gross though and the people are so rude here," Nancy said.

"Nance, you'd fit in perfectly," Rachel said.

"You're ruder here," Nancy said.

"G-d, it would be so amazing to shop here and study fashion," Rachel said.

"You know, I was wondering...why are you at Stony Brook?" Melissa asked. "If you love fashion so much, then why not go to like Parsons or some where that they study it?"

"Because...it's….it's a hobby," Rachel said, taking a drag on her cigarette.

"Clearly, it's not," Melissa said.

"Next year, we can do a Kappa Kappa Fashion Show for charity and you can make the costumes," Joanne said

"That would be awesome. Okay, I need to go to….Maison Michel, we have to get cat ears and Chanel. We have to visit Chanel. How can we not? And Yves Saint Laurent," Rachel said, flipping through the pages of one of the magazines. She could not believe she was there, she felt lighter there, surrounded by fashion and shopping. It was like her Nirvana.

"I wanna go to the Eiffel Tower," Sharon said.

"We can do that," Rachel said although as she kept listening to the plans for the day, her dreams of walking the streets and shopping kept getting pushed further back. She found herself getting overruled and while she loved being a tourist in the city of Paris and seeing all the landmarks, she wondered if she ever would get a chance to do what she wanted.

Barry was also on her about smoking. She had only taken it up because she was in Paris. When in Amsterdam, she had smoked pot and now in Paris….she figured she would smoke. She kinda enjoyed it, but Barry thought it was gross. She had suggested he go to some of those fashion houses with her but he didn't want to go, thinking they would be boring so as the trip progressed, her thoughts of visiting fashion houses were pushed further out of her mind in favor of just going along with the group.

It was late at night though, when she was alone. She'd sit on the balcony of the hotel suite, drink wine and smoke cigarettes while glancing through those fashion magazines. She would design outfits, she felt so alive in those moments. She felt at peace looking out at the Paris lights. Those beautiful wonderful city lights provided such inspiration. She designed outfits that matched the deep purples and sparkling gold of the night sky.

"That's pretty," Melissa said walking on to the balcony behind her. Rachel jumped and looked at her, smiling. She was usually alone in those moments so it shocked her to be joined by a friend.

"Thanks."

"You should be a fashion designer, Rach," Melissa said.

"No, no...it's a hobby. There's no career in it."

"You clearly love it although you should stop smoking."

"I'm in Paris. I'll quit when we're back in New York."

"Okay….but you do like the fashion stuff," Melissa said. Rachel shrugged as she took a drag on her cigarette, and took another sip of her wine.

"But sometimes you gotta grow up and while this is fun and stuff, it won't pay the bills. It won't get me a lovely life that I deserve. This is good. We are in Paris. Being here is amazing. If I were designing clothes….I couldn't go to Paris."

Rachel looked at her pad of paper again. She edited one of her dresses, as she looked at it, she thought of Monica again. The deep purple gown she had made would look good on her old friend or maybe herself.

She had seen the ad in one of her magazines and immediately told Barry. Paris Fashion Week was in July. She and Barry had gone out for a lovely fancy dinner, as they loved to do. Barry loved to take her on dates to the expensive restaurants with even more expensive foods.

"I don't wanna do that, that sounds horrible and boring," Barry said after Rachel suggested seeing if they could get into one of the fashion shows.

"But I wanna do that. Barry, Paris Fashion Week. That sounds amazing. We can see….I bet the other girls will do that and-"

"None the other guys will do that."

"Okay, then maybe I'll make it a girls day."

"We have a month left."

"It's one week, Bar. I really wanna do this," Rachel whined, grabbing a cigarette from her carton and lighting up.

"We gotta see what everyone else wants to do and stop smoking," Barry said, grabbing the cigarette from her mouth.

"I'm in Paris. I wanna go so badly. Why can't we ever do what I wanna do?"

"Because we have to go with what the group wants and no one wants to see a fashion house. It sounds awful."

"Attending a runway show in Paris….that would….that…"

"It's not gonna happen. We have too much to see and do and-"

"I understand. Maybe I could go alone."

"Rachel."

"What? I'm twenty years old, I can go somewhere alone."

"Please, you almost burnt Kiki's cabin down making toast."

"The toaster was defective and that's not the same thing."

"You're being childish. We're with a big group of people, everyone is going to miss out on something they wanna do. We have to compromise."

Rachel took a deep breath and grabbed another cigarette and lit it. She took a long drag and blew out a smoke ring. Barry just smiled at her and shook his head as he grabbed the cigarette out of her mouth and extinguished it. She knew she would be leaving Paris without seeing fashion week and while she was okay with being part of a group, she felt like she was the one sacrificing, always. Everyone else got to do what they wanted to do, see the landmarks they wanted to see but her wants seemed to get dismissed. Maybe one day she would get the chance to see fashion week in Paris, but the summer of 1990 would not be that chance.

As summer ended and turned to fall, Rachel missed Paris. She missed walking those streets. She missed being surrounded by such fashion and glory but she tried to suppress that feeling though knowing she had to concentrate on being a college junior. She had sorority events and other things to concentrate on. She had promised Barry she would stop smoking as soon as they returned to New York and she did, she focused on that.

"Hey, Rach," Joanne said, knocking on Rachel's bedroom. It was now the beginning of September and Rachel was on her bed, reading a book for a class. It was early Saturday morning.

"There's a guy here to see you," Joanne said.

"Barry?"

"Duh, no."

"Ross?"

"Who?"

"Never mind."

"Someone is here to see you," Joanne said. Rachel shook her head as she got off her bed and walked downstairs. She was stunned to see Brian, Barry's older brother, standing there. She raised an eyebrow as she looked at him.

"What are you doing here?" Rachel asked.

"Well, it's New York Fashion Week," Brian said.

"Yeah, it is."

Brian reached into his back pocket and pulled out several tickets. Rachel's mouth dropped.

"Let's go," Brian said.

"Noooooo," Rachel said walking towards him and grabbing the tickets out of his hand, "Oh my….these ticket are for like fifteen, sixteen different runway shows. How did you get these?"

"I pulled strings. I know people."

"Oh my G-d. Oh my G-d."

"Let's go."

"I have to change and….wait, does Barry know? I should probably talk to Barry," Rachel said.

"Why?" Brian asked.

"Well, I ask for permission and-"

"Why?"

Rachel opened her mouth and shut it. Why did she need to ask for permission? She was twenty, an adult. She could go to fashion week in New York. She had still longed to go see fashion week in Paris, but she had to miss that. She would not miss this one, especially because it was right in her neck of the woods. She ran to her room and immediately changed into a pink and white baby doll dress and black Doc Martens, she grabbed her purse and immediately met Brian downstairs. The two walked towards his car, a 1985 navy blue Corvette which looked strangely familiar. As Brian drove towards the city, Rachel let out a snort.

"Nice car," Rachel said.

"Thanks. 1985 Corvette."

"A guy I really hate has a Corvette."

"Nice."

"Yeah, I threw booze and pills at it a few years ago 'cause he's an alcoholic and a drug addict."

"That's awful….funny, but awful."

"I'm not proud," Rachel said.

"Yeah, you are,"

"Yeah, I am. He was a horrible, horrible person. I hope he crashes his car. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't want him to hurt himself or anything but like if he like drove into something but escaped unharmed….that's okay to wish on someone without karma coming back and like pooping on your head," Rachel said.

"I agree. Was that an ex boyfriend?"

"Oh, he wishes...actually, no. He probably doesn't wish that. I think he likes my ex-best friend."

"Awww, ex-best friend?" Brian asked.

"Yeah, she's bulimic….a bulimic and a drug addicted alcoholic. Best. Wedding. Ever."

"I bet the line for the bathroom would be ridiculously long," Brian mused. Rachel covered her mouth with her hand and laughed.

"Oh, no. That's just wrong….okay, Brian how did you get these tickets. This is unbelievable and how did-"

"I talked to my brother. I asked about Paris and I know fashion week is in July in Paris and I asked if you went and he said no, you guys didn't wanna go."

"I wanted to go."

"I figured so I pulled strings. I work in fashion…much to the disappointment of my family," Brian said.

"Your family doesn't want you working in fashion?"

"No, they'd rather me be a doctor or a lawyer."

"My family wants me to marry one," Rachel said. "I'll marry Barry, then I can be married to a doctor and then be a lady who lunches. That sounds fun, I like lunch."

"Lunch is amazing."

Rachel laughed a little as Brian got onto the Long Island Expressway to head into the city. She loved that fall wind in her hair, it was starting to get cold but she didn't mind. She loved where she was going. She was going to fashion shows, going to see the runways. She kept looking at each ticket, reading the print on each one, the names of designers. She wondered what it would be like to see her name on one of those tickets: Rachel Karen Designs. That would be a dream.

Once at the shows, she was in her own heaven watching supermodels walking the runway modeling Versace and Calvin Klein. She was twenty, thirty feet away from Christy Turlington, Cindy Crawford, Naomi Campbell and Kate Moss. As they sauntered down the runway in the highest of fashions, Rachel could feel butterflies in her stomach.

"Oh my G-d."

"I want to take Kate Moss out for pizza," Brian whispered to her. She laughed.

"Several pizzas….I have never felt so short and stumpy in my life."

"How tall are you?"

"Five foot four."

"You could totally pull off being a supermodel," Brian said.

"Really?" Rachel asked, not quite believing that statement.

"Yes...if Gianni Versace ever does a collection for short midgets, you'd fit right in."

"Really? That would be amazing. G-d, I wanna make those clothes. I wanna….could you imagine? Rachel Karen Designs or RKG Designs or...I wanna be surrounded by clothing all day long."

"Go do that."

"I can't. Brian, my life is planned for me and I enjoy it. I went to Paris last summer and Amsterdam the summer before that. I'm traveling the world. I'm living a life most twenty year olds would dream of. I have nothing to complain about. My ex-best friend….the girl I was telling you about?"

"Bulimia Girl?"

"Yeah. She's interning for a catering company. She has to work, making crap and serving it to strangers for money….she's a food prostitute."

"Or a chef?"

"Maybe."

"She's a bulimic chef?" Brian asked.

"Yeah. I don't wanna discuss her anymore. I want that dress," Rachel said pointing at a model wearing a red halter dress. She was entranced. As she watched, she suddenly felt tears fill her eyes. She would never get this dream, it wasn't hers to have. She knew that, she always knew that. She kept thinking of Monica. Monica was doing what she loved, she was sure of it and it made her jealous. Monica would be a chef at a fancy restaurant while she would be a lady who lunched who sometimes got invited to fashion shows.

After a day of fashion shows, the last show ended at about 10 at night and Rachel and Brian decided to go grab a late night meal of double bacon cheeseburgers and chili cheese fries. She had not eaten like that in a long time and she never ate like that at the sorority house, it was the perfect ending to such an amazing day.

"Brian, thank you so much."

"Of course. Hey, you should move to the city."

"My parents told me long ago they would only pay for me to go to school and live on Long Island."

"It's like you're in a prison."

"I am not. Look, honestly…if the worst thing to ever happen in my life ends up being that I live and die in Long Island and live a comfortable, wealthy life as the wife of a doctor….then okay. People are starving in the streets and I just spent the summer in Paris."

"Yeah, but you're not living for you and what do you know about starving people?"

"I volunteered in a soup kitchen once."

"You did?"

"Well, I stood in a soup kitchen once….practically the same thing," Rachel said.

"Alright fine."

"Oh, I remember this girl in the soup kitchen, though," Rachel said, "oh, she had the most amazing laugh I have ever heard in my life. I can't….it started like in her nose and then her throat or something….I have...it was amazing. Too bad she probably died."

"She died?"

"She was homeless and she had this friend who talked to his hand and this pimp with her...some old dude pimp. She probably died."

"That sucks. But okay, that girl was living."

"She was homeless," Rachel said, "and okay, yeah and is your life is so amazing?"

"I got you into New York Fashion Week."

"Fuck, you are amazing."

"And I know where there is a New York Fashion Week after party."

"Am I going there?" Rachel asked.

"Oh, honey, you are so going there," Brian said. Rachel gave him a look and took a bite of her French fry.

"Brian, can I ask you something?" Rachel asked.

"What?"

"Are you-"

"Yes, I am."

"Does Barry know?"

"No, no one in my family knows," Brian said.

"Wait...so you're yelling at me about keeping secrets and living in the prison known as Long Island and you won't tell your own family that you're gay."

"Exactly," Brian said.

"So not fair."

"They probably know and it's totally different."

"No, not really….there are differences although, wait...this after party? Will there be hot guys?"

"Yes."

"For me?" Rachel asked.

"Yes...although, you are still dating my brother."

"Not to sleep with but to flirt with and objectify like pieces of meat," Rachel said.

"Oh, yeah totally."

"Then I'm in," Rachel said.

"But...you can't tell Barry that I'm gay," Brian said.

"I won't. I wouldn't do that," Rachel said. "I like you Brian."

"I like you too and you're far too cool for my brother."

"I am, I am."

Rachel said as they continued to eat their burgers and fries and talk about the show. She liked sitting there with Brian, getting to know him. It was a friendship she was happy to have. Brian seemed to get her, he seemed to love what she loved.

The party was in a giant 50, 000 square foot loft in Manhattan. The hardwood floors, white walls with purple and blue strobe lights and white paper lanterns hanging from the ceilings gave the loft an artsy, eclectic vibe. There were waiters passing around plates of food and bartenders serving drinks. The women were tall and ridiculously attractive and the men were even more ridiculously attractive. Rachel felt a little underdressed.

"Wow," Rachel said as she stood with Brian in the middle of it all.

"Okay, honey I'm gonna ditch you right now," Brian said.

"Why?" Rachel asked.

"'Cause that guy over there is so my type," Brian said, pointing. Rachel laughed.

"Fine, I will go get a drink but if you leave with him, I am taking your Corvette and taking it all the way back home and sweetie, you do not want me driving that car," Rachel said.

"I will not leave the party. I promise you, Green."

"Good, 'cause remember when I told you that a guy I hate has a Corvette?"

"Yeah?"

"Uh-huh... I may still have some repressed anger towards him and I promise you that if you do leave me alone in this loft, those anger issues might come out….in the form of a bat to your car."

"Got it...I will not leave this loft" Brian said as the two shared a hug and Brian walked towards the guy. Rachel shook her head and walked towards the bar and got herself a glass of champagne. As she sipped her champagne, an incredibly handsome guy walked over to her. He was wearing a tight white shirt and tighter jeans.

"Hey...how you doin'?"

Rachel looked at him and smiled. He was definitely handsome, with a gorgeous smile and jet black hair.

"I'm good. How are you?"

"I'm Joey."

"I'm Rachel."

"I'm an actor."

"I'm a student."

"High school?"

"College."

"How old?"

"Twenty."

"Good," Joey said.

"So you're an actor?"

"I just came back from Los Angeles. I worked at Disney."

"Really?" Rachel asked.

"Yeah, I got back at the end of the summer…..so, are you here with anyone?"

"Yeah, my boyfriend's brother."

"Oh...well, if your boyfriend isn't here."

"Wow, you are very persistent," Rachel said.

"You don't know the half of it, baby."

"Hmmm," Rachel said, taking a sip of her champagne. "I'm gonna go find my friend."

"Wait, wait….I'm sorry. You know, it's been a difficult couple of weeks coming back from Los Angeles. My buddy, Shane, passed away."

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah….so I apologize if I'm coming off too strong," Joey said.

"You're not. You're fine."

"You alright here," Brian said as he walked up to them and put his arm around Rachel. She smiled at him and looked back at Joey.

"Yeah, this is Joey. He just came back from Los Angeles. He worked at Disney."

"Oh, sexy….were you a costumed character?" Brian asked.

"I bet you'd make a hot Dwarf," Rachel said.

"Dopey?" Brian asked.

"Grumpy," Rachel said.

"Sneezy," Brian said.

Rachel giggled as Brian led her off towards another part of the room. Together they continued to drink, party and hang amongst the wannabe actors and models. She did feel a bit bad about how she had treated that Joey actor guy but she saw him leave with a blonde so that feeling passed quickly. She was having a fantastic night, feeling so away from Long Island, being there with Brian. They danced, drank, ate, smoked. It was those moments of freedom she loved.

Brian had driven her back to Long Island the next morning. She had ended up sleeping at Brian's studio apartment and he drove her back the next day. As they pulled up to the sorority house, Barry was sitting in front of the house in his car. He got out angrily as Rachel got out of Brian's car.

"Where the hell were you?" Barry asked.

"Chill, I took her to fashion week," Brian said.

"Why?"

"Because your girlfriend likes fashion."

"So?" Barry asked.

"So do the things she likes," Brian said.

"I don't care about the things she likes," Barry yelled back which made Rachel step back a bit. She didn't like though that Barry and Brian were yelling at each other. The yelling reminded her of her parents.

"Brian, Barry, come on….stop. Barry, it's okay. We just went to fashion week. Although, you don't like the things I like?" Rachel asked.

"I didn't mean it like that, you know I love you," Barry said.

"Okay...it's just…"

"You were in Paris for an entire summer. There was Paris Fashion Week. Why didn't you take her?" Brian asked.

"Because there were fourteen other people with us. Sometimes you have to think about other people," Barry said.

"Guys, come on….please don't fight. Okay, Barry….I'm really sorry. I should have told you I was going. I should have called. Okay? I get completely that we couldn't do fashion week in Paris. It's totally my fault and Brian, thank you so much for last night and let's….how about the three of us have breakfast? Okay?"

Barry and Brian stared each other down and Rachel bit her bottom lip, hoping that they would get along. She didn't want fighting and she felt guilty, it was her fault. She should have called Barry, she should have said no to Brian. Slowly the two agreed on breakfast which made Rachel quite happy. The trio headed out and Rachel worked on making peace, feeling that would forever be far more important than fashion.


	17. Chapter 17

**May 1991-August 1991**

Rachel turned twenty one in the middle of finals week so the party had to be postponed until the end of the week so that they could truly enjoy the party and the fact that their junior year of college was now over. She wanted Vegas for her birthday and she was pleasantly surprised when the rest of her group had okayed the trip. Her junior year had been relatively calm after she had gone to fashion week with Brian. She didn't want to upset Barry anymore so she went along with the group. She was happy when they spent another Winter Break in Vail. A month long skiing trip in Colorado was perfect and a week in Cabo for Spring Break was even better, she enjoyed herself and kept quiet but when she had suggested Vegas for a couple weeks to kick off the summer before senior year and to celebrate her birthday, she was absolutely thrilled when everyone said yes. They would go to Vegas and then from Vegas, they would spend the rest of the summer in Italy. All this traveling the world made the idea of spending her life in Long Island bearable. She loved traveling, loved looking at the world outside her own home but first, Vegas.

The had rented a four thousand square foot suite in the MGM Grand. The group of sixteen crowded into the suite that overlooked all of Las Vegas. It was an absolutely amazing way yo kick off her twenty first birthday. The group went through a few different ideas and plans for her birthday but Rachel decided that once and for all, she would take charge. After all, it was her birthday.

"I wanna go see a drag show," Rachel said, happily as they all settled into their suite and began planning the day. That idea was met with groans from the rest of the group.

"Rachel, why do you always choose things no one else wants to do," Sharon said.

"I know...it's a sickness really," Nancy said.

"Guys, it is my twenty first birthday. I always do everything this group wants to do. When we get to Italy, I will continue to go along with what everyone else wants to do but for once...can it be what I want it to be? Shopping, good food, lots of booze and a drag show….Helena Handbasket and it says here in Helena's bio that he...she is from New York originally. We are supporting New Yorkers," Rachel said.

"I'm in," Melissa said.

"Barry?" Rachel asked.

"Fine….although, can I suggest some museums? There are some really amazing art museums in Vegas, we don't just have to drink, gamble and do crazy things," Barry said.

"I'm in for crazy things," Kiki's boyfriend Alex, raised his hand.

"I knew I could count on you, Alexander. Okay, let's get ready to do Vegas," Rachel grinned as she walked towards one of the bedrooms, to get changed. As she walked into the bathroom, Barry walked in as well, closing the door behind him.

"Happy birthday, baby," Barry said, wrapping his arms around her. She kissed him.

"Thank you. I'm twenty one."

"Do you really wanna go to a drag show?"

"Barry, you're not an orthodontist yet. You can still have fun."

"I know, I know...but when we get married, all of this will change."

"You imagine us getting married?" Rachel asked.

"I do. We'll live in a big house, I'll take care of you and the kids."

"Maybe I could work or send my designs to fashion houses?" Rachel mused.

"That's silly. When would you have time to work when you're taking care of our kids?" Barry asked, giving her a kiss.

Rachel opened her mouth and quickly shut it. Instead, she just nodded. Kids. Having kids, ever since aborting her pregnancy at sixteen, she hadn't even thought about having kids again. It just didn't feel right although at twenty one, something was starting to feel not so right about having everything so mapped out for her.

At least she had her birthday. Her day. After they all got ready, their first stop was at Spagos for a birthday dinner. It was a spectacular five course meal, everything more fantastic than the next and the fact that she got to finally drink legally made it even better. She was game for everything and the party was just getting started.

After dinner, there was Helena Handbasket's show. Rachel could not stop grinning as she downed more birthday shots that were given to her by the some guys at the next table. Helena sang songs and people shouted out that it was Rachel's birthday, Helena grabbed her onto the stage where the two sang a song together. Helena looked amazing in such big, wonderful costumes and sang in such an amazing wonderfully deep voice. When Rachel returned to her table after singing a song with Helena, Barry was glaring at her and shaking his head.

"What? What's wrong?" Rachel asked.

"You're embarrassing yourself. You're drinking too much and singing with drag queens….I'm embarrassed for you."

"Don't be. We all went skinny dipping in Amsterdam," Rachel said.

"So? That's different...Rachel. we're adults now and I know I'm not an orthodontist yet, but I will be and I can't have you singing with drag queens and stuff," Barry said.

"How are you and Brian brothers, he is so much more fun."

"Are you having an affair with my brother?" Barry asked which made Rachel practically choke on her drink.

"No, no, no, no...I can guarantee you that I am not having an affair with your brother," Rachel said.

"Okay, alright….it's just, you two are close."

"He's a friend, my future brother in law. Don't you worry your pretty little head," Rachel said.

"Maybe you and Barry should like just get married tonight," Joanne said.

"Oh here? No...not at a chapel in Vegas. I have some standards….I'd have to be like amazingly drunk to get married in a Vegas chapel," Rachel said.

"Hey, birthday darlin'", Helena said, walking towards Rachel and her friends and gently put a hand on her shoulder.

"Yeah," Rachel said.

"At the end of the show, there's always a party down at the Rio. Here's the info, bring your friends. It's top secret," Helena said, giving her a wink and handing Rachel a card before walking off.

"Oh my G-d, we are so going to this," Rachel said.

"We can't. There's a show that I thought you would like to see," Barry said.

"Which show?" Rachel asked.

"Barry Manilow. My namesake."

"No. Okay, guys...this is my birthday. I get to choose," Rachel said.

"I wanna go," Melissa said.

"Me too," Kiki said.

"Yeah, it could be fun," Leslie said.

Rachel grinned and Barry rolled his eyes. It was soon decided that the group would split in half with half the group going with Rachel and the other half attending Barry Manilow with Barry. She was kinda happy about this although she wasn't sure that was a good thing.

Helena Handbasket had rented several floors of the Rio and it was filled with dancing drag queens and showgirls. Rachel sat with Helena as they both shared bright red drinks. Rachel wasn't quite sure what was in it but it glowed and tasted good.

"Honey, honey, who was the wet rag with you?" Helena asked.

"Mmmm, my boyfriend. He wanted to see Barry Manilow."

"Oh, he is not for you," Helena said.

"Barry Manilow?" Rachel asked.

"The other one."

"Oh...no, he's nice and….nice….and...well, kind….and sweet….and friendly-"

"Try a different adjective. Look you don't wanna marry someone who isn't right. I was once married to a woman," Helena said.

"Nooooo," Rachel said.

"Yeah, I have a son too."

"Awww….that's so sweet. He must be the luckiest kid to have you as a dad," Rachel said.

"I think he might disagree."

"By the way Helena, this ensemble you are wearing right now….so cute," Rachel said. Helena was wearing a red, sparkling dress.

"Thank you."

"This is the best party ever," Kiki said sitting next to Rachel who let out a squeal.

"I'm telling you. I know how to have fun."

"Joanne and I were talking," Kiki said.

"And?"

"We need to see strippers," Kiki said.

"I-I wanna see strippers," Rachel said.

"Oh, I can take care of that, let me make some calls," Helena said getting up. Rachel watched as Helena sauntered off across the room and disappeared down the hall.

"I want Helena Handbasket to be my boyfriend," Rachel said, looking straight at Kiki.

"No, girlfriend," Kiki said.

"Helena has a son….I could be that kid's stepmom. I'm in love," Rachel laughed as Joanne, Leslie and Melissa joined them with shots.

"Happy twenty first," Leslie said.

"Thank you," Rachel said as they lifted their shot glasses and clicked them together and downed them.

"This was such a good idea," Joanne said.

"I know," Rachel said.

"I didn't want to see fucking Barry Manilow," Joanne said.

"I'm sure Barry Manilow is a lovely man but you know…" Rachel said.

"Can I ask you….what do you see in Barry? He's a dumbass," Melissa said.

"Barry Manilow?" Rachel asked.

"Your Barry," Melissa said.

"Ehhhh, he's fine. Right now, I'm just hanging out with him 'cause I like his brother," Rachel said.

"Go, Rach," Kiki said.

"No, no….he's a friend," Rachel said as she continued to drink. She got more and more drunk, dancing around in that room. The room began to spin the more she drank and at some point in the night, she flashed most of Vegas and she had danced with some of the strippers that were hired by Helena and then there was Helena. She wasn't sure what it was about Helena that drew Rachel to her. He still had all of his male parts and she learned Helena's real name was Charles and as the evening progressed, they got more and more wasted. He looked strangely familiar, something about Helena's eyes, the smile and before she knew it, they were kissing.

"Oh my G-d," Rachel said, sweating, her heart pounding.

"It's your birthday," Helena said.

"It is."

Helena picked her up and threw her on the bed in one of the private rooms. It became more and more intense. She had never had sex with anyone but Chip and Barry, but Chip cheated on her and Barry was boring. She had never been ravaged like that, never been taken in the heat of passion. Even though it was completely in a drunken haze, there was something exciting about this if she could only place where she knew Helena from.

The next morning, she woke up with a pounding headache and looked over to see Helena lying next to her. In the light of day she looked at Helena. Helena with all the make-up off and no wig, was a man. She looked at Helena lying there as Charles and it dawned on her.

"Chandler," Rachel muttered as she got up and ran to the bathroom to throw up. She looked at herself in the mirror and thought of Barry. She looked gross, her hair matted against her head. She walked out of the bathroom and grabbed her outfit from the floor and got dressed, splashing water on her face. When she walked out, she saw Charles sitting up. He was Charles now, not Helena.

"Hey, sweetie. I have not done that with a woman in a long time," Charles/Helena mused.

"What's your son's name?" Rachel said.

"Chandler."

"Does he drive a Corvette?"

"Yes."

"Oh, shit."

"Do you know him?"

"No, yes...kinda... I-I-he hates me. I hate him. We're not friends and he's friend with my ex-best friend and-"

"I haven't talked to him in awhile either. He hates me too, so don't worry. It's between us."

"Oh, G-d….you look like him."

"He is my kid."

"What world am I living in?" Rachel asked.

"Rachel, it's okay."

"I have to go," Rachel said, getting up and rushing out of the room. She made out with man who dressed as a woman. No, she had done more than that. She had had sex with a drag queen…..in Las Vegas. As she ran out, she noticed, Kiki, Joanne, Melissa, Leslie and Kiki, Joanne and Leslie's boyfriends sitting there, clearly waiting for her.

"We didn't know if we should wake you," Kiki said.

"Let's go," Rachel said as she ran out of the room with her friends following her, all grinning at her. They waited for the elevator and stepped inside. Rachel felt her stomach dropping.

"Did you really do it with a Drag Queen?" Kiki's boyfriend, Alex asked.

"Okay, alright….we will never speak a word of this. Not to Barry, no one will ever know," Rachel said.

"Don't worry, we called Barry and the others and we said that we were all really drunk and it would be so much safer if we stayed at the Rio and met up with them for breakfast," Joanne said.

"Is that where we're going?" Rachel asked.

"I am so impressed with you," Kiki grinned.

"Shut up, that was Chandler's dad. I just sex with Chandler's dad," Rachel said.

"Was that the Corvette guy? They guy whose foot got chopped off during Thanksgiving?" Joanne asked.

"His toe and yes….he's the one with the car we covered with booze. So happy I'm not talking to Monica right now, she'd punch me in the face. I just had sex with a drag queen….with Chandler's dad and by the way, Chandler is probably twenty two now or almost twenty two. His father is probably what….forty something?" Rachel asked, looking rather horrified.

"You could be his step mom," Kiki said.

"I am going to die," Rachel said.

"You are way too cool for Barry," Melissa said.

Rachel smiled, still feeling sick. She had cheated on Barry. That was all she could think of. She had never cheated on a boyfriend, she had really only had two, contrary to what others might think.

When they arrived at the cafe to meet up with the others, she noticed Mindy and Barry chatting. Something about it seemed strange, they were sitting close with their heads towards each other but stopped when they noticed Rachel and the others walk towards them. Barry looked a little uncomfortable.

"Hey, how was your night?" Sharon asked.

"Rach, you look like crap," Nancy said.

"Yeah," Rachel said as she exchanged a look with Barry. She walked towards him and sat next to him. Barry leaned in and kissed Rachel.

"You have a good night?" Barry asked.

"Yeah….although, we should probably talk about it," Rachel said.

"Why?" Barry asked.

"Well-"

"You had your night, I had mine….it's fine, Rachel. It's all good," Barry said.

"Oh." Rachel said and she noticed Mindy grinning at her. She felt sick and felt rather uncomfortable. She wanted to talk about it, talk about their relationship. She and Barry had been dating for awhile now and she wondered if they had ever had a real conversation.

The rest of their time in Vegas was rather uneventful and after they wrapped up their Vegas vacation, the group of sixteen friends got on a plane and took the fourteen hour flight to Rome. Rachel and Barry sat next to each other surrounded by their friends and Rachel felt they needed to talk. Barry never mentioned anything about what had happened, about her twenty first birthday and it was eating at her.

"Barry," Rachel said, putting her down her book and looking at him. He looked at her.

"Yeah."

"Do you wanna know what happened on my birthday? Do you wanna ask questions?"

"You had a good time, right?"

"Yeah….and what did you do? You went to the concert-"

"Rach, we don't need to talk about it. There's no need to cause drama."

"I guess…but….Barry, we've never really talked. We've just been in a relationship. I mean, okay….we've never talked about what we wanted or needed or dreamt of. Okay, why do you wanna be an orthodontist?"

"I told you, I like making people smile better."

"You like fixing things that aren't perfect….so do you think our relationship is perfect?" Rachel asked.

"Of course. Why wouldn't it be perfect?"

"Well, I mean….we don't have passion, a lot of passion."

"That's overrated. We have a mature, adult relationship and whatever you did on your birthday, I don't need to know."

Rachel nodded and rested her head against the seat and let out a sigh as she looked out the window. She felt guilty, so very guilty but Barry didn't want to hear it. Maybe she could just chalk it up to one of those twenty first birthday stories. Those crazy stories, she could tell at bachelorette parties.

The rest of the summer was spent in an Italian villa, eating pizza, gelato and walking through museums looking at art and soon what had happened in Vegas was a distant memory. No one spoke of it and by the time their vacation in Italy was over, that memory of Vegas had faded completely in favor on concentrating on their final year of college.


	18. Chapter 18

**I feel I should explain myself for that previous chapter where Rachel and Charles/Helena hooked up. No, I did not mention this in the Phoebe, Monica or Chandler stories and honestly, I have been grasping at straws to try and make Rachel's time away from the others as dramatic and as fun as possible, so when she leaves….she is losing friends and travel and this over the top life.**

**'Cause from what I gathered on the show, she sacrificed a pretty amazing life to essentially start her entire life from scratch where I think Chandler, Monica (and Ross) pretty much had each other and didn't really leave each other's lives and it was pretty even and Phoebe's life with Monica was a huge step up from being homeless and in a way, Rachel's move was a huge step down from what she knew. So yes, I know it was weird and shocking….but hopefully it was fun and none of you are offended and since I've built up the Chandler/Rachel friendship as one of continuous pranking….Chandler will get his revenge when he finds out. :)**

September 1991-December 1991

Her senior year of college. The final year. She could not believe she had made it this far. So much had changed. She no longer spoke to the Gellers, although she did think of Monica and Ross. She knew they were living in the city somewhere. She wondered if they kept in touch with Chandler but she knew she had also shut the door on that friendship, there was no going back and after what had happened in Vegas with Helena Handbasket she felt that if Monica and Ross still spoke to Chandler than she really could never speak to them again.

As soon she got settled in to kick off the senior year, she met for lunch with her favorite lunch partner. She met Brian in the city for pizza, although after having gorged herself on pizza in Italy for a few months, all other pizza paled in comparison but she liked meeting with Brian and confiding in him. They had a very special friendship and one she treasured dearly.

"You had sex with a drag queen in Las Vegas?" Brian asked. Rachel cringed a little as she took a bite of her pizza. She had told Brian what happened with Helena. She loved that she could confide in him and knew he would never tell which did seem a little strange after all, this would be her future brother in law.

"I did."

"Wow."

"I was so wasted and your brother did not want to talk about it. Why does your family not want to discuss things? That can't be healthy."

"It's what we do."

"You can't even tell your family you're gay."

"Hey, you and your sisters….do you talk about everything? What are they doing?"

"Well, Amy is turning twenty four in two months and she's dating a guy-"

"Do we like him?" Brian asked.

"I don't know. I don't usually take the time to remember their names. It's like a revolving door. Jill is starting at Stony Brook. My parents are now officially empty nesters and can continue to not speak to each other about stuff."

"Okay….I can't tell my parents. Can't tell my brother. Sometimes it's just best to hold things inside. It's why I live in the city. You can have a whole life here without worry," Brian said.

"Sounds sad."

"Hmmm, oh, I almost forgot. I saw this article in the paper. It came out in May, when you guys were in Vegas and then Italy. It was buried in there but when I saw it, I saved it for you," Brian said, handing her a cut out from the New York Times from four months earlier. As she began reading, her mouth dropped.

"Oh G-d," Rachel said as she began reading out loud, "'Twenty two year Caucasian male drove into an abandoned home on Fork Canyon Drive on May 18, 1991 at ten o'clock in the morning. Chandler Bing, 22, was driving a 1985 Corvette when he made a sharp turn and drove into a home that had recently been vacated after going into foreclosure. There were no injuries sustained by Bing or the other three passengers in the car, although the car itself received massive amounts of front and rear end damage and was towed to a nearby junkyard. Drugs and alcohol were immediately ruled out as a factor and police have deemed it an accident. The Bing Family Estate has offered to pay to repair damages done to the home'…..oh crap. Wait, this made news?"

"Well, it was an accident and held up traffic and it wasn't like front page news, it was pretty well buried in there but…..you called this."

"Oh my G-d…Karma is going to kick my ass."

"You slept with his dad…..that could be karma," Brian said.

"He really wrecked his car."

"I know."

"He's an idiot."

"Uh-huh."

"That was the only thing he had going for him," Rachel said, looking at the paper. She would have to keep this, although this did make her want to reach out to Monica or possibly Ross. Was he in the car? Was he okay? He was okay, there were no injuries and it seemed like the only true victims in the accident were the car and the empty house. If Ross had actually been injured, she would have known so maybe she didn't need to call. Ross was fine and Monica was too, it didn't give the names of the passengers and Monica might have been a passenger as well….but she was safe.

Senior year started to make her nervous the closer they got to the end. There were parties, many parties, many chances to say goodbye. Last college Halloween rager which she and her friends had gone to was in a warehouse in the city and she was shocked when Barry had gone as well. Barry had dressed up in his dentist costume, the same Halloween costume he wore every single year and Rachel decided to dress up as a martini in a costume she had designed herself. She had a sewn together a tight silver dress and made it look like a martini glass and made herself an olive hat. It was a little difficult to move around in but she looked good.

"I love that you're a dentist again."

"I'm an orthodontist, not a dentist. Get it."

"I get it."

"It's funny."

"Sure."

"I definitely have the sexiest drink in the room though," Barry said, giving her a kiss.

"Thank you."

"I love you a lot."

Rachel smiled as he said that. He always said that, but he never wanted to truly know anything and it bothered her.

"Why?" Rachel asked.

"What?"

"I love you too and we say it a lot to each other but we're really different, you and me and it's amazing that we've made it this far and if we get married, I will be so happy...but…."

"I love how funny you are and how sweet….yes, sweet….and I love that you make me do things I would never do."

"Like Amsterdam?"

"Like Amsterdam. Rach, you and I are in this. Forever. I will take care of you and you never have to worry about another thing."

"Good….although, I can still worry about things."

"No need."

Rachel nodded. Maybe it would be okay to be taken care of like that, to be watched out for and then travel the world. It wasn't like she had any idea what she could do after college, she had no real skills and she hadn't worked. She had sketchpads filled with outfits she had designed but she hadn't a clue who she was supposed to send those designs to or if she was supposed to make an outfit and send it to a Fashion House and what if those designs were rejected? What if her family and Barry were right? Her designs were a hobby. A lot of people could draw, a lot of people were good at things but was she good enough? She wasn't sure. Whenever she designed something, she got compliments but those were from friends and family.

She kept looking at those designs she made. Could she just apply to jobs? Where would she even begin applying or looking for them? Maybe she needed to start at the library like she had done when she was looking for schools? Or maybe she could meet with Brian again, over lunch. A couple weeks after Halloween, she did just that. She met up with Brian and had her most recent sketches with her. They sat across from each other at one of their favorite burger places and she watched nervously as he flipped through them. The only time anyone had ever seen any of her designs was when they stumbled upon her drawing.

"I like these," Brian said.

"Really?"

"I do. This is what you need to be doing with your life. Something in fashion. Being a housewife in Long Island is not what you need to be doing."

"Why do people keep doing that?"

"Doing what?"

"Telling me what they can see me doing or not doing. Maybe I'm supposed to be a housewife. I can't do manual labor...or like paying my dues."

"You've never had to."

"Okay….well, yeah. Barry doesn't want me to."

"You know, I know someone who knows someone...maybe I could recommend you?" Brian asked.

"Where?"

"BCBG."

"Oh...wow."

"I can't guarantee you'd get hired but it's worth a shot," Brian said, handing Rachel back her sketchpad. She looked at it and then back at Brian. Maybe it was something she could do? She could go on an interview. Although she wasn't exactly sure how that interview was supposed to go.

A few days before Thanksgiving, she drove into the city for an interview at BCBG. She was dressed in a business suit and she had one of her sketchpads with her. She had worked on a resume but it depressed her that she had nothing to put on it. The interviewer was an older woman with mousey brown hair pulled back into a bun. She was thin and bony and Rachel was terrified.

"Rachel Green, nice to meet you. I'm Linda."

"Nice to meet you," Rachel said as they shook hands and Rachel sat across the desk and stared at Linda who seemed nice enough. Linda's office was a little cluttered, filled with swatches and pictures of models.

"So...do you have a resume on you?" Linda asked.

"Uh, yeah," Rachel said, handing her a piece of paper. Linda looked over it and Rachel tried to read the look on her face.

"Big font," Linda said.

"Oh...well...yeah...sorry."

"No, no, it's fine. You're in college. I didn't have a lot to add to my resume in college. So let's see, let's see….you volunteered at a soup kitchen?"

"Yes, yes but um….I transported large amounts of very fancy food to feed the homeless….like filet mignon and um...macaroni and cheese."

"Nice….although we don't need you to cook here. So, tell me a little bit more about yourself. You're at Stony Brook. You're a film major. Oh, you did take a costume design class, tell me about that?" Linda asked.

"I learned about clothes and-and how they make the movie and how they also tell a story."

"Good. So...how are you with researching trends?" Linda asked.

"I'm very trendy," Rachel said and immediately wanted to take that back, "What I mean is that...I can research trends."

Rachel made a mental note to figure out what that meant exactly. She looked at magazines a lot. Was that the same thing?

"Part of this job is trying to pinpoint what is coming up next. We're in the nineties, we're headed into a grunge period. So part of the job is researching and trying to determine what's coming up next."

"Okay."

"You'll also be doing a lot of assisting at photo shoots and be working with design associates. It's very entry level, good for beginners. What do you have there?" Linda asked, pointing to Rachel's sketchpad.

"Oh, um...designs. That I did," Rachel said. Linda held out her hand and Rachel handed her the sketchpad with all of her drawings. She was hoping Linda would not notice the trembling in her hand or the sweat that was probably dripping from her face and pooling on the floor although that was probably an exaggeration.

"These are nice….very good for a beginner. Definitely could use some work but that comes with experience."

"Oh," Rachel said, her heart dropping a little. Linda seemed to recognize the disappointment on her face.

"Rachel, you're brand new. No one is an expert at the start."

"Yeah."

Linda handed Rachel back the pad. She began to panic as Linda began to tell Rachel about the job. She wasn't ready, this was a hobby. This wasn't where she was meant to be. Brian was wrong. She could feel herself starting to hyperventilate. She could barely breathe and she felt it was getting hot in that small office.

"Rachel, are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm great. I'm fine."

"Okay...you know, I have your resume. We will definitely keep in touch and if something comes up, I'll let you know," Linda said.

Rachel's heart dropped into her stomach. She had just bombed the interview. She got up, shook hands with Linda and practically sprinted out of the office. She walked outside, feeling the fall air blow across her face. She felt the tears fill her eyes and fall down her face. She was not meant to be working, maybe everyone else was right? When she got herself together, she began to walk off and as she walked towards a trash can, she dumped her sketchpad in there. It would forever remain a hobby.

The next time she saw Brian was at Thanksgiving dinner at the Lake House. It was now becoming a new tradition. A fancy Thanksgiving dinner at a fancy restaurant with Barry's family and Rachel's. The parents discussed future plans for Barry and Rachel while Rachel sat with Barry, Brian and her sisters and talked about random things. Rachel was still upset, still angry about the interview but Brian would not let up.

"You'll try another interview," Brian said.

"No, no, no more...I froze. I was a complete idiot. No one will hire me. Why would anyone hire me?" Rachel asked.

"Everyone's first job interview sucks," Brian said.

"Why did you even tell her to go to an interview. She doesn't need a job especially not in fashion," Barry said.

"What's wrong with a job in fashion?" Brian asked.

"Guys, please….stop fighting. It's okay. I'm not going to have another interview. I'm glad I did an interview and I now know that this isn't for me," Rachel said.

"What isn't for you?" Brian asked.

"Working," Rachel said.

"That doesn't make sense," Brian said.

"Leave her alone. Look, I know you two have a strange friendship but she's my girlfriend and I know what's best for her," Barry said.

"Guys, stop please...really. Just stop," Rachel said. "Wait, you know what's best for me?"

"I'm protecting you. I didn't mean it like that, don't be silly," Barry said.

"Why would you even wanna work?" Amy asked.

"Well, it would be fun. I mean, Amy, you're twenty four years old and you've never had a job. Doesn't that bother you?" Rachel asked.

"No. John's rich," Amy said, pointing to the guy next to her. John and Amy had been dating a couple of months, at least she thought so.

"You go that right," John said.

"I don't know what's so awesome about work anyway. I mean, you gotta get up early and stuff. I did that in high school," Jill whined.

"Exactly," Amy said.

Rachel looked around the table and locked eyes with Brian who looked disappointed as he poked at his turkey and stuffing. She just had failed so miserably at that interview. She had no clue what she was doing and she didn't want to put herself in that position again. It did feel like everything was being planned for her though. Barry was going to protect her and she would be okay and her dreams would remain that. Maybe it really would not be a bad thing because she clearly wouldn't be able to get a job doing anything.

Brian though kept looking at her though and she knew he was upset with her. She hated that. She hated that he was mad at her. She hated when anyone was mad at her. When Barry got up to go to the restroom, she glared at him. Amy and John were too wrapped up in each other to pay much attention and Jill had gotten up to use a payphone to call one of her friends. Her parents and Barry's parents started talking about something. No one seemed to be paying attention to them.

"Stop being mad at me," Rachel whispered.

"You're in a prison," Brian whispered back.

"So are you and your prison is so much worse than mine."

"Stop."

"Tell them. Seriously, say something. Stop being mad at me. We make our choices, we do what we need to do to keep the peace. So stop and if you want me to break free from my prison, you go first and break free from yours," Rachel whispered angrily.

"Okay," Brian said.

"Okay, what?"

"I'll stop being mad at you," Brian said.

Rachel let out a snort as she took a large bite of her turkey and drank some wine. Brian gave her a smile and it seemed for the time being, both of them would remain where they were. When Barry returned, he placed his arm around Rachel and seemed oblivious to the tension between Brian and Rachel.

"So Brian...any hot city girlfriends?" Barry asked. Brian's eyes widened as he looked at Rachel.

"Yeah, Brian...any hot girlfriends?" Rachel asked, rather pointedly. Brian looked at Rachel and back at his brother.

"No, not dating anyone," Brian said.

"Well, maybe Rach can set you up with one of her sorority sisters?" Barry asked.

"Oh, that would be lovely," Alice said, overhearing them. Rachel liked Barry's mom, she was sweet although a bit clueless.

"I don't know. They're kinda bitchy," Rachel said.

"I worry so much about Brian, he never dates," Alice said, "he's there in the city and-"

"I date, don't worry, Mom. I do," Brian said. "Rachel can definitely set me up with one of her sorority sisters."

"Yeah….I'll get right on that," Rachel said and now it was her turn to be angry. She was getting angry, angry that everyone had their own secrets, their own things that they were hiding but they all seemed to get mad at her when she wanted to hide.

At the end of the Thanksgiving dinner when Rachel and Brian hugged goodbye, she whispered in his ear, "I am not setting you up with any of my sisters."

"Maybe one of the manly ones?" Brian whispered back which made Rachel laugh as she smacked him. "Sorry about the job."

"It's alright."

She separated from Brian and walked towards Barry. The two got into Barry's car and drove off towards Barry's off campus apartment where Rachel was staying during break. The ride was relatively silent and Rachel wondered if she could talk to him.

"I really think you should set up Brian with one of your sisters," Barry said.

"Sorority or real?"

"Sorority."

"I-I don't know. I mean, I don't….he lives in the city. He probably meets tons of hot girls working in fashion. He meets models for crying out loud. He could probably get a date with Christy Turlington or Cindy Crawford."

"Rach, are you sure you and my brother are not...dating?"

"No, Barry. We're not. Believe me, we're not."

"Okay….it's just you two are so close and-"

"Bar...do you…" Rachel did not want to start this, she did not want to tell Brian's secret but maybe she could plant a seed? "Barry...do think maybe there might be a reason he doesn't date a lot? He works in fashion, he's surrounded by gorgeous women but he doesn't seem interested in any of them….I mean, do you think that maybe-"

"You think he might be gay?"

"I don't know," Rachel said.

"He's not. Don't be silly."

"Can you stop saying that."

"What?"

"Don't be silly. Because I'm not being silly. I'm actually being quite serious," Rachel said.

"No, I don't think he is."

"Okay. I'll ask some of my sorority sisters. Maybe Mindy?"

"Mindy? No, no….I couldn't see him with Mindy."

"Really? Mindy's cute. I could totally see them working out," Rachel said.

"No, I couldn't….too different. I'm sure you'll come up with someone else."

"Hmmm," Rachel said, noticing an immediate change in Barry's behavior. He seemed nervous. She had noticed Barry and Mindy becoming close friends ever since Vegas, since that night when she had taken things too far and it was something she noticed even more when they rang in 1992 in Vail that year. While Barry and Rachel kissed when the ball dropped, there were looks, glances, moments between Barry and Mindy that made Rachel wonder if the reason Barry did not want to know what she had done in Vegas was because maybe he had some secrets of his own.


	19. Chapter 19

**January 1992-May 1992**

As the second semester of senior year got underway, Rachel started to notice little changes. She was especially noticing changes between Barry and Mindy. They were getting close, very close. It made her a little uncomfortable. She liked Mindy. She and Mindy had been friends for so long and she would hope that Mindy wouldn't be doing anything like trying to get too close to Barry. It was just a feeling, a strange feeling and she felt she needed to start investigating, start looking a little more closely so around the beginning of second semester, she decided to grab lunch with Mindy in hopes of getting answers. Any answers, although Mindy wasn't giving her anything, just telling her that she and Barry were just friends. It was driving her crazy, so after her lunch with Mindy, she met Brian for dinner.

"They are sleeping together," Rachel complained over drinks with Brian. She was relaying her lunch with Mindy to her friend.

"How do you know?"

"Because...she's...she...she wouldn't answer my questions...when I asked are you sleeping with my boyfriend, she said no."

"She's not gonna say yes."

"Can you ask Barry?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want to."

"You're the worst friend ever."

"I'm not gonna ask because he already thinks we're sleeping together," Brian said.

"You know, there's a real simple solution to that problem," Rachel said, with a slight hint of annoyance in her voice. She hated that she was the only one who knew this secret and hated even more that people thought she was sleeping with Brian and the fact that she couldn't really tell them why that would never happen was also upsetting her.

"I'm not telling them."

"Why not?" Rachel asked.

"It's not that easy."

"Yes….it's very easy. I like men, so do you. Therefore we can never date," Rachel said, smiling. It seemed simple enough to her.

"And you decided to not pursue your dream job in favor of being something you don't want to be...so there you go."

"I'm not having this argument with you anymore. You need to come out and Mindy needs to stop sleeping with my boyfriend."

"We don't know that for sure," Brian said.

"Hmmmm…." Rachel sighed as she took a sip of her wine.

"So what are you going to do after graduation?" Brian asked, clearly changing the subject.

"I don't know and you don't know, I could do very well as a housewife. I can watch soap operas and have brunch…..and raise children."

"Okay. I'll watch soap operas with you."

"Did you watch Days today?" Rachel asked.

"Oh G-d….don't even start."

"I know," Rachel said, her eyes brightening as the conversation turned another favorite: soaps. She was slowly developing an addiction to soap operas. Some of her sorority sisters watched and she began to follow them as well. It thrilled her when she brought this up to Brian and she discovered he loved them as well.

Although, when she got back to the Kappa Kappa house that night, she saw Mindy and Barry sitting on the front steps, chatting. Her heart started beating faster as she approached them and when they noticed her, they immediately stopped talking.

"Rach, there you are. Where were you?" Barry asked getting up and walking towards her.

"I was at dinner with your brother," Rachel said.

"Oh, yeah…" Barry said.

"What were you guys talking about?" Rachel asked.

"Just stuff," Barry said.

Rachel let out a sigh. She wasn't sure how much she believed that nothing was happening, nothing was going on. There was something eating at her, something she wasn't quite sure about.

After saying goodbye to Barry, Mindy and Rachel retreated back into the Kappa Kappa house and Mindy was talking about something, but her mind was spinning.

"What is going on between you and Barry?" Rachel asked as they walked into the living room and plopped down on one of the couches. Mindy looked confused as she seemed to be taking in what Rachel had asked.

"Sweetie, nothing. I keep telling you. We're friends."

"It's just-"

"Please, Rachel….and you're hooking up with his brother."

"No, I'm not."

"Rachel."

"Mindy, I am not hooking up with his brother. He is one of my best friends and he works in fashion and…." Rachel began but stopped herself. She wasn't sure she wanted to go that far. She just could not reveal the real reason why she could never date Brian although she wished she could. It would probably make everything so much easier.

"I am not hooking up with Barry," Mindy said and Rachel knew she just had to believe Mindy. She had to hope Mindy was telling her the truth and she had to hope Barry was telling the truth as well because as the months moved to closer to graduation, Barry was discussing the future more and more. He kept coming up with plans for their future, starting with places they could live.

"I like this place, this would be nice," Barry said as they wandered through a condo overlooking a bay. It had large windows and was very airy.

"It's nice. Really nice but can we afford it? I mean, you're going to med school and….and I'm...well, maybe I can work?"

"My parents are going to pay for the place and your parents are still letting you use their credit cards to shop and do things you like. You don't need to work. You can shop and decorate."

"Yeah but...I mean, I really am going to have nothing to do while you're at school all day?"

"I wish I could do that, do nothing all day. You will have an amazing life. Don't you think this is an amazing place?"

"I do, I really do but...so are you seeing us getting married?"

"I do. Rachel, you're it for me and this will be our starter place. We'll stay here for a couple of years, we'll get engaged maybe by the end of next year. I think if I start med school in September, I should at least take a year to get settled in school before we get engaged and then we can get married within two years and then after we're married, we can start having kids," Barry said.

Rachel simply nodded. She didn't want to admit it but it felt uncomfortable. It felt strange to have everything so planned but maybe that would be okay, maybe she would eventually find it fitting. She loved the place Barry had picked out. The bedroom was huge and there was more than enough closet space. She could make this home and it was gorgeous, bigger than what she'd be able to afford on her own and it was very nice that Barry's parents and her parents were pitching in. This could work. Her Long Island life.

If only she could shake that feeling, that uncomfortable feeling that shook her every single time that plan was laid out for her. She felt something was off, maybe it was fear. Maybe that was what that feeling was. When she was done with school, there would be no job, nothing except her and her friends and maybe that could be fun. After that failed job interview, she knew she would never make it in fashion. She would never make it in that world so she was destined to be a housewife.

She was going to accept this as her life, she would accept this as her future even if it made her wince when she thought about it. She found herself hanging out in the city more and more, she would go clubbing with Brian and lament with him over drinks. She felt free when she visited him and going back home was like going back to prison.

Rachel was drinking more as the school year winded down. Every party she went to, she ended up getting way too drunk. She knew she needed to stop but it almost felt like she couldn't. She felt like she had very little to look forward to and the only way out she had was drinking or if she wasn't drinking, she was shopping. Maybe it was the excess drinking that caused that moment at the luau with Melissa. It was April now, a month before graduation. Their last spring break in Cabo had been fun and now there was nothing else to look forward to but graduation. She was sitting with Melissa on the front porch of the Kappa Kappa house clothed in coconut bras and and grass skirts as a party was going on in the streets. The two were drinking from their countless pitcher of sangria and Rachel was complaining.

"I have nothing to look forward to," Rachel said, drinking from her red cup.

"You're gonna get married."

"To Barry."

"Well, you're sleeping with his brother so-"

"I am not sleeping with his brother, will you people just stop," Rachel said.

"Barry's brother is hot."

"He is but I'm not sleeping with him. People need to stop," Rachel slurred. "I sleep with drag queens not gay men….wait, that does not make sense. I don't understand the words that are coming out of my mouth."

"Gary's brother is gay?"

"Who's Gary?"

"Barry. I meant, Barry. Like the fruit. I like strawberries"

"You made a mistake in your English. That's funny," Rachel said, laughing. "I am so drunk."

"Do you think we drink too much? Kiki said we drink too much."

"No, no….we're bored. We have nothing to offer society. We are going to be college grad-chew-its….and we will have no jobs and we will sit in our house and have children like people do and then we will make our hair big."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I like soaps….wouldn't it be fun if we lived in a soap opera."

"Oh, then we could like sleep with each other and not remember," Melissa said.

"Yeah, that would be cool."

"Well, you and Barry will have a pretty wedding," Melissa said.

"I guess. It's just I'm gonna be twenty fucking two….why am I planning a wedding?"

"Well, it's not happening now."

"No, but within the next few years….what the fuck, man," Rachel said. "I'll probably be married before I'm twenty five."

"Romantic."

"Yeah, but I don't know. I wanna call Monica."

"Monica?"

"My bestie...B-F-F-eeee from high school. I liked her. She was sweet. I treated her like shit. I don't even know where she lives now."

"Have more sangria."

"Oh, you better believe….actually you know who I used to have teeny crush on?"

"Who?"

"Her brother….Monica's brother. I don't know why...he was a total geeky boy but man was he hot."

"Maybe one day you'll be Mister Monica's Brother?"

"Naaaw….I heard he was getting married. So am I….I'm gonna get married. If I am a housewife, do I have to learn how to cook and clean? 'Cause I don't really know how to do those things."

"That's not true. You made a lovely turkey sandwich the other day."

"I did make a lovely turkey sandwich. I didn't even injure myself this time. I got turkey and lettuce and-and tomatoes….it was a lovely sandwich. I miss it."

"Awwww….wait did you tell me Barry was gay?"

"No. That is not nice, Melissa."

"You said someone was gay. Who's gay?"

"Many people…..on the Earth."

"Okay, we need to stop with the sangria."

"No, never. Never, never, never, never….I miss my turkey sandwich," Rachel said.

Melissa and Rachel began laughing as they continued to drink more and more. Soon their talking stopped and they were just laughing. Rachel began to notice that the more drunk they got, the more flirtatious Melissa got. It began with Melissa grabbing Rachel's hand and becoming more touchy feely with her. That uncomfortable feeling was starting to return but she was afraid to tell Melissa that she wasn't feeling right so when Melissa suddenly kissed her, she kissed back and the kissing soon turned passionate. When they separated, Melissa smiled at her and Rachel just stared at her, feeling a bit more sober.

"I should go find Barry," Rachel said.

"I'm sorry. I-I thought-"

"No, it's fine...it's my fault. I'm sorry...I-I-I do love Barry. We can't do this. I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"I'm gonna go….find him," Rachel said, getting up and stumbling off the porch. She began walking down the street, still only wearing her luau outfit and making her way through the crowds of college students in very similar outfits. As she reached the end of the street, she gasped. She saw Barry's car. He was sitting there with Mindy and they were kissing, making out. She turned and ran back down towards the Kappa Kappa house. When she saw Melissa sitting on the porch still, she leaned and suddenly kissed Melissa again before walking into the sorority house and up to her room where she walked into the bathroom and threw up. She began crying as she stood back up and wobbled back towards her bedroom where she lay on her bed and continued crying until she passed out.

She did not tell Barry or Mindy what she had seen and things were a bit uncomfortable with Melissa. It was unspoken pact between them that they would never mention what had happened. She did of course tell Brian a few days later, she told him everything over wine and burgers.

"So Barry and Mindy are hooking up?" Brian asked.

"I saw them making out."

"And you said nothing?"

"What am I going to say?" Rachel asked.

"Hey, asshole….stop cheating on me."

"No, no...I'm not going to do that because then we'll fight and if we broke up...I mean, what then? I have nothing to look forward after I graduate. Okay, this is my life. So fine, Mindy will be the other woman."

"You lead a sad life."

"So do you."

"Break up with him and move in with me. I think we would make awesome roommates," Brian said.

"You do realize you are talking about your brother."

"I know….we're not close. Look, that is not your life. City life is your life and you know what, I am fully out in the city," Brian said.

"Just not to your family….and they think I'm having an affair with you. This is so messed up."

"So is not telling Barry that you caught him with Mindy."

"He doesn't like talking about things and maybe it's for the best because if I say I caught him, then I also have to admit that I had sex with a forty something year old drag queen and I made out with my sorority sister. So both Barry and I have cheated on each other."

"It's the beginning of a beautiful marriage."

"If Barry and I broke up, what would I have? I mean, I've spent four years in this relationship. I dumped my best friend from high school because I wanted to concentrate on Barry and my new world, my new life. I would have nothing if I left. I have no job, no skills-"

"Fashion. Fashion is your skill."

"I don't know. I didn't pursue it."

"You can still pursue it."

"I miss Monica. I wish I knew where she lived now. I would wanna talk to her right now. I wanna eat Twinkies and talk. I miss her so much. She got me, you know, and I fucked up that friendship up so badly. She will never speak to me again, that's a fact and I don't really blame her which blows."

"Twinkies are gross," Brian said which made Rachel stare at him in disbelief.

"No, no, we would sit in her pantry and eat Twinkies and then we'd share secrets, things we would never tell anyone else."

"Well, I don't have a pantry but I do have a studio the size of a pantry. We'll buy a box of Twinkies and go back to my place."

"Oh, no….no...I do that only with Monica Geller. That's our thing and I hope wherever she is, she is not eating Twinkies with anyone else. You and I have excessive drinking and complaining about our lives and all the secrets we have to keep in order to function and keep the peace."

"No offense to Monica, but I like our thing better," Brian said which made Rachel laugh a little. She picked up her wine glass and clicked it with Brian's as they both took a drink.

Rachel turned twenty two in May and soon came graduation from college although graduation made her sad. Everyone else felt she should be happy. She was graduating and now could start her life as a wife and mother but inside she felt depressed. She felt like everything was wrong and there was nothing she could do. She was stuck. Twenty two and stuck…..imprisoned in Long Island.


	20. Chapter 20

**May 1993-September 1993**

Her days post college were spent in that fancy apartment. Barry enrolled in the Stony Brook School of Dental Medicine and after a graduation trip to Spain, Barry got to work. He was gone all day and studied hard at nights. Her days were spent shopping, spending the day in the city with Brian or watching soap operas. There were lunches with Joanne, Kiki, Leslie and Melissa. Rachel still hung out with Sharon, Mindy and Nancy and she never mentioned what she saw Barry and Mindy doing. Her days were spent not doing much. There were still trips, a Thanksgiving dinner at The Lake House with her family and Barry's and Christmas and New Years in Vail and as she rang 1993 with Barry by her side. But as 1993 began, she found herself getting restless. She was bored. Incredibly bored. She wanted to do something, wanted to accomplish something. She thought about getting a job, but she wasn't sure. Her twenty third birthday was in that fancy apartment. She was happy that Brian had decided to join them. They sat together in the midst of the party, sipping champagne and watching as everyone else mingled. Rachel especially paid attention to Barry and Mindy who seemed to be mingling closer than anyone.

"They look like a couple and why am I not more pissed?" Rachel asked.

"So one year out of college….how do you rate it?" Brian asked, ignoring Rachel's previous remark.

"I don't know….I don't how I'm going to do this for the rest of my life."

"Break free and come live with me."

"Come out of the closet," Rachel whispered. "That would be the best birthday gift ever."

"Yeah, that's why I'll do it...to make you happy," Brian said, sipping his wine.

"We make our choices. Right?" Rachel asked.

"Yeah...this just seems boring. It's like you're in a cage."

"Rachel, come here for a second," Barry said walking towards them. She looked at him as he grabbed her hand and pulled her off the couch. She followed him as they walked out onto the balcony, the air was starting to get a little cooler and Barry seemed a little nervous.

"What's going on?" Rachel asked.

"Okay, you know how I said give me a year of being in med school and then we'll get engaged?"

"Yes," Rachel said.

"It's been a year. Hasn't it been an amazing year?"

"Sure. I mean...I've accomplished nothing, but okay."

"Are you joking? You decorated this apartment. This is all you but it's been a year and now...Rachel Green, will you marry me?"

"Oh, G-d."

Barry pulled a box out of his back pocket and opened it. It was a gorgeous French set diamond halo band ring. She could barely breathe as she stared at it. She looked back into the apartment and there were Mindy, Sharon, Nancy, Melissa, Kiki, Joanne, Leslie and their respective guys staring at them, smiling at her. She noticed Brian sitting on the couch, staring at her, eyebrows raised. She could say no, she could leave but she couldn't. She couldn't say no. If she said no, everything would be gone. Her life would be gone. She couldn't live with Brian, that would be too awkward. She had no other friends in the city. Monica would probably not take her in and probably Ross wouldn't either.

"Yes," she squeaked out.

"Yes?"

"Yes," Rachel said as Barry slid the ring on to her finger. They shared a kiss before walking back into the party to announce their engagement and she was happy, she was or at least tried to be. She smiled, went through every emotion required to be happy and she was...it was a nice ring.

When Brian decided to leave, Rachel walked with him downstairs. She knew he was mad although she wasn't sure he had the right to be. As they walked outside towards his car, he said nothing.

"Brian, can you stop," Rachel said as he kept walking ahead of her. He stopped and turned towards her.

"Happy birthday and happy wedding."

"Thank you and hey, now, we will officially be family."

"Great."

"Why aren't you happy?" Rachel asked.

"Because that is not what you want," Brian said.

"How do you know?" Rachel asked, starting to get angry, "how do you know what I want?"

She was really starting to hate it when people seemed to know what she wanted and she was especially hating when Brian said it.

"Because you spent the entire year being bored."

"Now I have a wedding to plan and you know what? How dare you criticize my choices? You can't even tell your own family that you are gay."

"Do you have a clue what would happen if I did? They would disown me, Rachel."

"You don't know that."

"I know that."

"So okay then it's better for your family to believe that I'm some skank who is banging her boyfriend's brother?" Rachel asked.

"Fiancee," Brian corrected.

"Shut up. This is so not fair, do not judge me. You have no right to judge me."

"You don't want this. You want to work in fashion. Stand up for yourself."

"Come out of the goddamned closet. I mean, come on you are going to be twenty six years old and I have been having this same argument with you for too long and you and everyone else needs to just stop, stop telling me what I want or what I should do with my life. I do love your brother, Brian. He protects me, he loves me and if I marry him, I will be very happy. Okay, yes, designing clothes is a lot of fun but you know how hard that would be to succeed in?"

"So you're gonna be a coward and not pursue it."

"Oh, don't you fucking dare...you wanna talk about being a coward? Your brother is in our apartment, go tell him you are gay. Don't tell me I'm a coward because you're the biggest coward I've ever met. You escaped to the city and you can't even come clean about who you are to your own family."

"I'll see you around, Rach," Brian said as he turned and got into his car and drove off. Rachel felt her heart break as Brian disappeared down the street. She felt tears fill her eyes as she started to cry. She didn't want him to leave and she felt sad, so sad that he was leaving. She wanted him to stay but she was angry, so angry. She soon gathered herself and walked back upstairs to her friends. She was engaged. She should be happy.

She had decided that Mindy should be her maid of honor, although she wasn't sure why. Perhaps it was because Mindy was Barry's second favorite. The other woman should be the maid of honor. She decided her bridal party should be Melissa, Kiki, Joanne, Leslie, Sharon, Nancy and her sisters, Jill and Amy. She had thought of reaching out to Monica but thought she shouldn't. She figured Monica wouldn't have gone anyway.

She threw herself into planning but as she was planning her wedding, she kept thinking of Brian. After their fight, she tried calling but he never called back. At first it upset her but then she started to get worried. Barry didn't seem too upset but she was. It worried her, it worried her so much that she decided to go to his apartment to check on him. It was the middle of June when she went to his apartment. She hadn't spoken to Brian in a month and a half, no one had and she felt it strange that she was the only one concerned. She found a spot to park and walked towards his building and buzzed. When he didn't answer, she waited until someone opened the door. Something in her made her nervous. She felt she needed to get to his apartment. Her palms started sweating and her heart was racing. She ran up the stairs to his door and started to pound on it. No one answered. She looked around and around, unable to wait. She raced downstairs and went to find the super's apartment. She found it and immediately started sobbing and she wasn't sure why. She wasn't sure where these tears were coming from just this fear that she needed to get in that apartment.

When the door was opened, her eyes widened and she covered her hand with her mouth. She saw Brian's legs on the floor and ran to him. There was an empty bottle of pills on the floor next to him and his face was bluish.

"Oh, G-d, oh, G-d, Oh G-d, no, no, no, no," Rachel cried, she heard the super say something about calling 9-1-1 and she grabbed Brian, grabbed him and held him in her arms. She was sobbing, heaving, she couldn't speak, just sobbing. Soon, she heard voices around her. She felt someone grab her and hold her back. She looked and noticed paramedics and she began screaming. It was a scream that seemed like it came from somewhere else.

Barry and Barry's parents arrived at the apartment. Barry walked towards Rachel and wrapped his arms around her. She was shaking, sobbing.

"Rach, it's….it's going to be okay," Barry whispered. Rachel looked at him, that was a strange thing to say.

"No, it's not. It's not going to be okay. It's all my fault."

"How is it your fault? Did you break up with him?" Barry asked with a tiny grin. Rachel gasped when he said that, staring at him, disgusted.

"Are you kidding me?"

"I'm sorry."

"No, your brother was gay," Rachel said, figuring it didn't matter anymore.

"What?"

"He was gay. We did not hook up because he was gay. I knew but he did not tell you or your parents because he was afraid."

"That's not true."

"It's true. I was the only one who knew."

"Then why didn't you tell me?" Barry asked.

"Because it's not my secret to tell. G-d, why did you do this Brian? Why?" Rachel asked, crying. Everything just seemed to move in one blur. The paramedics took Brian's body away and the apartment was soon empty. There were voices around her, people talking and giving instructions.

She wasn't sure how she got home, she wasn't sure if she drove or if someone drove her but soon she was in her bed, curled up and crying. She eventually felt Barry lie down next to her, wrapping his arms around her.

"I'm sorry, Rachel," Barry said.

"Me too and maybe I should have said something," Rachel said, turning over and looking at him.

"No, no...I should have talked to him. I should've….known….I don't know."

"Barry, we have to talk. If we get married, we need to talk, we need to be honest."

"I know."

"I've cheated on you," Rachel said.

"In Las Vegas?"

"Yes….and I caught you and Mindy during the luau senior year," Rachel said.

"I'm sorry. I don't love Mindy though, I love you. Rachel, I've loved you since I met you. Please be my wife."

"I will….but no more cheating, no more drama."

"No more."

Rachel continued crying as Barry held on to her. This was not what she wanted. She wanted Brian to help her pick wedding dresses with her and be at the wedding with her. He was her family, the one she loved and now he was gone. It was too much.

Losing Brian began to plant a seed in her brain. Burying him, saying goodbye to her partner in crime made her yearn for something else. They had always talked about how they were both in a figurative prison and Brian was unable to leave his, it was too much but maybe she could leave her's. Maybe she could go outside Long Island. Maybe she could finish what he wanted for her to finish...maybe for Brian, she could finally leave. Rachel knew she always loved Brian more than Barry, maybe she was marrying Barry because she couldn't marry Brian.

In the days after the funeral, she still felt like someone had broken her. Her mom had suggested trying on wedding dresses but planning just seemed to be put on hold. She really lost interest in doing anything related to the wedding. Most of summer was spent just going through her days as if in some sort of daze. She felt like she was dreaming.

By September of 1993, she was back to being alone most of the time. Barry went back to start his second year of med school and she spent her days watching television and she reading. Her friends tried to get her to go out but she didn't really care to go out. One night in September, her phone rang. She had been sitting on her couch, looking through a magazine when she reached for the phone.

"Hello?" Rachel asked. There was silence on the other side and there was a small part of her that hoped it was Brian. "Hello?"

"Rachel….it's Monica."

Her heart felt a little lighter at that moment. She had not heard from Monica in so long. She wanted to cry again. She wanted to reach through the phone and grab Monica.

"Hey...hi, Monica. How-how are you?"

"I'm alright. I heard you're engaged."

She wondered how Monica knew that although it didn't matter. It was her old friend.

"Yeah...it'll be great. He's a doctor."

"Like you always wanted."

"Exactly what I wanted….so what's-what-what's new?" Rachel asked. She didn't want to talk about Barry. She didn't want to discuss him at all.

"I'm living in the city. Right on Bedford. Chandler is my neighbor."

"Hmmm….he's still alive?" Rachel asked and quickly shook her head. She hated herself for asking that. Of course he was still alive, if he wasn't, that would be awful….she didn't want any more death.

"Very much so," Monica said.

"Sorry. Sorry...I just….yeah..I'm engaged."

"I know. When's the wedding?"

"Next September. Mindy is my maid of honor and Nancy is a bridesmaid and some friends of mine from college are bridesmaids too and….it'll be fun. Weddings are fun," Rachel said, hoping to sound excited.

"You okay?"

No, she wanted to scream into the phone. No, she wasn't okay. She had screwed everything up. Nothing was how it was supposed to be.

"Yeah….I miss you," Rachel said, wanting to say so much more but what could she say? She had given up on that friendship. She had ended it. Monica had moved on.

"I miss you too," Monica said. "Do you have a pen and paper nearby?"

"Yeah, yes….hold on, okay...I can't invite you to my wedding."

What the hell was wrong with her? Why was she telling Monica this? What was the point of telling Monica that? She really was a horrible person.

"I understand-"

"No, it's not-it's just-"

"I understand but here is my address and my phone number, if you ever need anything, you know where to find me."

"Thank you, Monica," Rachel said as she wrote the address down. She would keep that. Monica was reaching out, she needed Monica. Needed her so badly.

"You're an idiot, Rach."

Rachel couldn't help but smile at that...if only Monica knew.

"I know….but you still love me, right?"

"And I'm not sure why," Monica said. That made Rachel feel so much better, Monica still liked her, still wanted her in her life.

"Thanks. I should go," Rachel said.

"Yeah….you know, Ross got married."

"He did?" Rachel asked, she had heard he may have gotten married.

"Yeah….but we think his wife is a lesbian."

"Oh. Well, that kinda sucks," Rachel said, feeling for Ross.

"Yeah, it does," Monica said, laughing a little.

"Okay, well I should go but thank you. I miss you….I might have a Twinkie in my pantry tonight and think of you."

"Awwww, well that's sweet," Monica said.

"Monica?"

"Yeah?"

"How are you?"

"I'm good. I still love you, Rach."

"I love you too," Rachel said before the two hung up. She held that address in her hand, that phone number and she wondered if that could be her out. Her ticket out of her prison. Maybe.

The next morning, Barry left for school and Rachel was home. She made herself breakfast and turned on the television, going through the channels. She stopped when she landed on a roadrunner cartoon. She watched as that damn coyote ran off the cliff and she could feel herself actually smiling. She thought of Chandler. He wasn't that bad. He was funny. She had been cruel to him, he had no clue what she had gone through, he didn't know about the abortion. He didn't know any of that and she had been so angry at him, so furious. He did nothing wrong….okay that prank was mean but it was actually kind of stupid and it was just peanut butter. She slashed his tires and poured booze on his car. She had put pills in his car...he popped pills like Brian. What Chandler killed himself in the same way Brian had, with pills? She wouldn't be able to live with herself if that was the case. He needed to be okay. He needed to be healthy. She needed to see him. She needed to see Monica.

That night, she drove to the address Monica had given her. Barry had a late class and she decided maybe she'd go. She drove up to the apartment and she saw Monica and Ross in the bar underneath the building. Ross seemed sad and Monica was near him. She noticed Chandler standing with a very good looking guy with black hair and a beautiful tall blonde, they were laughing about something and playing pool. She kept her eyes on Chandler. He looked healthy, alive, cute. Monica looked beautiful too...they both looked healthy. Soon, Monica and Ross joined Chandler and the other two. They were all cracking up about something and it killed Rachel. She could walk in there but would they even want to see her? She had done too much damage. They would not want her there and Monica had moved on. Maybe that blonde was her roommate or maybe she was dating Chandler or that hot guy. Maybe she had made her choice. She quickly turned her car around and drove off. Maybe Brian was right….she was the coward. She pushed everyone away.


	21. Chapter 21

September 1993-September 1994

She was going to the city more and more. Everyday or every night, she would drive into the city towards Monica's apartment. She watched as the bar turned into a coffee house called, Central Perk. She kept wanting to go inside, so many times she would try to talk herself into it. She couldn't and she'd end up turning around and driving home. Everything felt so much grayer now. Nothing felt right and her world felt like it was getting smaller and smaller. That first Thanksgiving at The Lake House restaurant with her family and Barry's felt quieter. There was wedding discussion but she did not care. She cared less and less. As 1993 turned to 1994 and the wedding date got closer and closer, she felt like she was going through the motions. She was happy to let others plan. It just didn't matter to her. The ceremony was going to be at the Crest Hollow Country Club, she had decided on a pink theme with lilies as centerpieces. Everything felt pointless.

Rachel was shocked when she saw him. It was 1994 now and May, about a week after her twenty fourth birthday. She was leaving her parents house after lunch with her mom who kept wanting to go over wedding things but she wasn't feeling up to it so she left and she was walking out, she saw Ross driving down her street. He stopped when he saw her and she walked towards his driver's side.

"What are you doing here?" Rachel asked when Ross rolled down the window.

"I was visiting my parents to talk to them about...well...my divorce."

"What?" Rachel asked.

"I got married and now I'm getting a divorce."

"Why? What happened?"

"My wife is a lesbian."

"Well, that'll do it," Rachel mused.

"Hey, do you wanna get lunch?"

"I just finished lunch with my mom but I could use a drink."

"Okay….margaritas at Magic Taco?" Ross asked.

"It's like you know me," Rachel grinned, Ross knew her deep love of margaritas and Mexican food. It surprised her how little Mexican food she ate now. It was like her favorite movie, some stuff she just hid. She got into her car and followed Ross to the Mexican restaurant at the end of the street and soon they sat across from each other, eating chips and drinking margaritas. Sitting there with him felt a little uncomfortable though, she hadn't seen or spoken to Ross since that day she had gone to the hospital and so much had happened in those years since.

"You're getting married," Ross said.

"Yeah. His name is Barry...he's...yeah...can't wait."

"You seem excited."

"It's just...it's been a hard year."

"How so?"

"You don't wanna hear this," Rachel said.

"Yeah, I do."

"Okay, last June, Barry's brother, Brian, took a handful of vicodin and oxy and swallowed it down with vodka and Brian was….was my best friend. He was...my everything. I miss him. A lot."

"Oh, Rach….I'm really sorry."

"No...he was gay and he was afraid to tell his family. I knew...but he was too afraid and as a result, his entire family including Barry thought we were sleeping together and it wasn't my place to tell people that. Brian and I would always talk and we would both joke that we were in some sort of prison….he couldn't get out of his," Rachel said, starting to cry again.

"Rachel."

"And in the last year...I've been just...I've been thinking...how much I screwed things up and how….how's Chandler? He took vicodin and oxy too, right?" Rachel asked.

"Yeah...but he's good. We celebrated his twenty fifth birthday last month. We ate a lot of mac and cheese and played beer pong. He has a roommate, Joey, he's awesome. He's an actor and Mon had a roommate, Phoebe who is...pretty amazing."

"Sounds fun."

"It is. You know, Monica would be happy to see you," Ross said.

"No, she wouldn't. I screwed that friendship up so badly. She probably hates me."

Ross let out a snort and shook his head. Rachel gave him a look, not understanding his reaction.

"Did you just meet Monica and I?" Ross asked, grinning at her.

"What?"

"Come on….you know us, it doesn't matter how much you screw up, you're always welcome back home."

"Really?"

"Monica would love to see you….and I think it would be kinda cool to see you more often."

"Chandler wouldn't wanna see me more often."

"No, probably not. He really doesn't like you."

"I know," Rachel said.

"You know, I never told him about you slashing his tired and covering his car with booze. I got the wheels fixed and the car washed before he could find out."

Rachel smiled at him and let out a sigh. She reached into her purse and pulled out her checkbook.

"How much did it cost?"

"You don't owe me money."

"How much did it cost?"

"$2,600."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Rachel asked.

"It was a mint condition, right off the lot cherry red Corvette. They're not cheap."

Rachel groaned a little as she wrote a check and handed it to Ross. He folded it up and put it in wallet.

"He crashed it though," Rachel said.

"How did you know?"

"Well, Brian had seen it in the paper and he cut it out and gave it to me. I promise I won't make fun of him if I see him."

"Oh, you can make fun of him for that. I make fun of him for that. So does Monica….hell, Phoebe and Joey make fun of him for that and they didn't really know him yet. The man drove a car into a house."

"Who were the three passengers?"

"Me and two other friends whom we don't really keep in touch with anymore."

"No one was hurt."

"No. Hey, can I give you advice?" Ross asked.

"Yeah."

"Are you sure you wanna get married?"

"Yes."

"Okay….'cause if you're not completely sure then don't….'cause getting a divorce really, really sucks."

"It's not that easy."

"Divorce is tougher."

"What would I do?"

"Monica needs a roommate. I might need a roommate."

"I'm not living with you….although, it would be fun to live with Monica. I miss her," Rachel said as she took a sip of her margarita. She began to wonder what it would be like to live with Monica, to be part of her world and hang out with Monica's friends. It sounded fun to do something like that.

When Ross left, she felt sad again. She wanted to leave with him. She wanted to go where he was going but she remained in Long Island, planning a wedding.

Her wedding to Barry. September was fast approaching and she was getting more and more nervous. She wanted to believe it was cold feet, it was just nerves but she knew it wasn't. She knew with every fiber of her being that she wasn't supposed to be doing this. This wasn't the direction her life was supposed to take. Brian had not escaped his prison and she wasn't sure if she wanted to continue being stuck in her's. Maybe she could leave for both of them. She could escape, she could do it for both of them.

The bachelorette party was in Las Vegas. She had invited Mindy, Melissa, Nancy, Sharon, Joanne, Leslie, Kiki, Amy and Jill. They had rented a suite and shared glasses of champagne. Rachel sat back and listened as they talked about traveling and their boyfriends. It all seemed so ridiculously boring. She wanted to go find Helena, she wanted to find Helena and talk to her. She wanted to do something else with her life.

"Do you guys ever get bored?" Rachel asked.

"Of what?" Sharon asked.

"Of this….of what we're living. I'm twenty four years old and I've accomplished nothing in the two years I've been out of college. I wanna accomplish something," Rachel said.

"We should get you laid," Amy said.

"I'm getting married," Rachel said.

"So? It's perfect," Amy said.

Rachel shook her head. Brian leaving shook her completely. She felt so different than she had a year and four months ago. She had been so scared, so frightened. If she left, she'd have nothing but it began to seem like if she stayed, she'd also have nothing. She wanted to design clothes, she wanted to work in fashion. She wanted to be in the city, be where she always felt she belonged.

The day of the wedding, she stood in a room staring at a gravy boat which she loved. She loved that gravy boat more than Barry. She looked at herself in the mirror in her gorgeous white wedding dress and every single thing felt wrong. She couldn't do this. She could not walk down that aisle. She thought of Chandler and him calling her a coyote. She was going to run off that cliff. She had to run, had to leave. She could not live and die on Long Island. She noticed a window and walked towards it. She climbed up on a chair and busted it open with her elbow and before she knew it, she was outside the country club.

"This is for you, Brian. I'm leaving my Long Island prison...for you," Rachel said, looking up and then began running. She kept running until she found a cab and took the cab to Central Perk in the city. She felt like someone was guiding her, pushing her. She couldn't go back. When the cab pulled up to Central Perk, she jumped out ignoring the cabbie yelling at her. She ran in, sobbing and looked around noticing Monica and Ross sitting there with their friends. She knew she looked frightened. She was terrified, her stomach completely in knots.

"Rach?" Monica asked

"Monica," Rachel cried as she hugged Monica. "Hi. I hope it's okay...I..you gave me your address last year and I couldn't do it. I couldn't get married….I had-I can't-I-"

She made sure to leave out the part where she had been driving to Central Perk several times a week for the past year and not leaving her car.

"It's okay. Come here….here, you know Ross and this is Phoebe and Joey and-" Monica said.

"Hi-"

"And you remember Chandler?" Monica asked.

"No, no, I'm sorry...nice to meet you," Rachel said and immediately regretted saying that. Of course she knew Chandler. Why would she say he didn't know him? She couldn't think. Chandler just looked at her and said nothing. She kept crying, melting down, rambling. She wasn't sure what she was saying but she was imagining Barry and her friends and her family all at the country club. She had made mistake or maybe she hadn't.

Soon, Rachel found herself in Monica's apartment with Monica and her friends. She was on the phone, yelling at her father, sobbing.

"We have an entire room filled with family. This is embarrassing," Leonard yelled.

"I couldn't do it. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry but I can't marry Barry. I have never done anything for me. I don't want that life."

"What is wrong with the life I provided," Leonard said.

"Nothing...it's just not me. I want to accomplish something. I want to do something….please."

"Fine, but don't think I'll pay for it. Where are you gonna live?" Leonard asked.

"I guess I'll stay with Monica," Rachel cried.

"How will you make money?" Leonard asked.

"I'll get a job."

"Doing what? Drawing pants."

"Maybe or dresses. Daddy, you don't understand-"

"I understand that I have spent over fifty grand for a wedding that is not happening, that's what I understand."

"I have to go, I can't….I just...I have to go…." Rachel said, crying. She needed to hang up, she needed to regroup. "Monica," Rachel said as she hung up the phone and looked at Monica. Monica was sitting with Chandler, Ross, Phoebe and that guy, Joey. Rachel was terrified as Monica walked towards her.

"I'm gonna talk to Rachel outside for a moment," Monica said as she guided Rachel outside and the two sat side by side on the steps. Rachel kept sniffling, trying to catch her breath. "Okay..what happened?"

"It was all wrong. I was all wrong. I stood there and I thought, no….I didn't wanna be there anymore. I was...I don't love Barry. I don't want everything planned for me and I hate Nancy and Mindy…..I hate…...they were never my friends and I was always….I'm sorry."

"I know."

"Can I live with you?" Rachel asked, hoping the answer was yes. She had nowhere else to go. It wasn't like Brian was waiting for her although she did wonder about him at that moment. She wondered if he was proud.

"Yeah."

"Can you help me?" Rachel asked.

"Yes….even though I wasn't invited to your wedding."

"Well, next wedding….you're my maid of honor."

"Let's get through today…..by the way, you know Chandler," Monica said.

"I know I do," Rachel said, feeling ashamed that she would make that error. She knew him.

"And I will talk to him but you two need to be nice to each other. You need to talk to each other. 'Cause he's one of my best friends….and he's Ross' best friend. "

"I will."

"Also...you're in my world now, so there will be ground rules. I swear. All four of those people in there, they're on my side. You screw me over….again….you're out," Monica said which made Rachel smile. She liked when Monica was feisty.

"I know. I made a mistake, Mon. I made a lot of mistakes and I screwed a lot of things up….but...I'm twenty four years old, I've never had a job. I've never….I want to live, figure out who I am and I can't do that there. Surrounded by those people…."

"Okay….also, I have a date tonight-"

"You and Chandler?" Rachel asked, the smile on her face getting even bigger. Monica laughed. Rachel remembered Monica liking him and maybe hearing good news about the two of them would improve her mood.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Long story. I'm going on the date tonight. I'm not rearranging my life around you anymore. Are you going to be okay here? Joey has a date. Ross is moving into his apartment. Phoebe, I think has plans but Chandler will be here tonight. Talk to him. You need to...you have to."

"Okay, I will and I'm fine….I'll ask him why he's not on a date with you."

"Don't ask him that."

"Can I have a hug?" Rachel asked. Monica nodded as she and Rachel shared a hug. She tried to remember the last time she had hugged Monica. It felt good. She wanted to know.

"Rach, it will be okay."

"I don't know how to do anything. I'm not qualified for anything. I have no more friends-"

"Well, that part's not true. I'm your friend. Ross is still your friend. My friend, Joey will hit on you but he's a sweetheart. Come on, I'm not letting you fall, Green."

Rachel smiled and let out a chuckle. She needed to talk to Chandler. She felt so horrible...horrible about so many different things.

"Chandler….whenever I would see him, he would use that Wylie Coyote analogy and tell me to go run off a cliff. Metaphorically, I have and I hit the ground."

"You two need to talk," Monica said getting up and reaching her hand towards Rachel and gently pulling her up. The two women walked back into the apartment. Rachel felt wobbly as she listened to Monica and her friends talk. She didn't know what to say. She just felt uncomfortable. She remained sitting at the table, quietly. Before he left though, Ross smiled at her.

"You escaped."

"I did."

"Brian would be proud," Ross said. "I'm proud."

"Really?" Rachel asked.

"Yes."

"I'm scared."

"I know."

Rachel nodded as he gently squeezed her shoulder. She sniffled a little bit as she kept looking at Monica and her friends. She needed to call Barry. She needed to talk to someone. She needed to reach out….she needed something but she had no clue as to what.

She was sitting alone on Monica's couch and crying when Chandler stopped by. Monica was on her date. Ross went home and Joey and Phoebe were somewhere else. She has tried calling Barry but he wasn't answering his phone. She tried calling a lot of people but no one seemed to want to talk to her. It was breaking her heart. Did anyone care? Was anyone concerned? That stream of consciousness was interrupted by Chandler who was came in to ask it Monica was back from her date.

"No," Rachel said.

"Okay...well, I'll see you in the morning," Chandler said as he turned to walk back out of the apartment.

"Chandler," Rachel said, she didn't want him to leave. He wanted him near her.

"What?"

"Can I hang out with you?" Rachel asked, tears filling her eyes.

"You wanna hang out with me?"

"Yeah. It's been a rough day.

"Probably rougher for Barry," Chandler mused.

Rachel sniffled a little as she took a deep breath. Oh, those jokes but she didn't care. She so badly wanted to talk to him, to reach out to him.

"Please...let me hang out with you. I know you don't really like me but..."

"I'm just gonna watch a movie."

"Okay."

Chandler nodded as Rachel put her veil down and walked towards him. Together they walked across the hall and into apartment 19. Rachel sat on the couch while Chandler walked over to his stack of movies.

"You have a lot of movies," Rachel said.

"Yeah. I'm kind of a film buff," Chandler said, not really looking at her.

"Oh...I like your Laurel and Hardy picture," Rachel said motioning to the big black and white photo of the old comics on the wall.

"You know who they are?"

"Yeah...and...and I'm sorry...I'm sorry I forgot who you were today. I-I wasn't pretending to not know you. I just...brain fart," Rachel said.

"That's alright."

He seemed so upset with her. She hated this, she needed to make things right with someone. She needed to make someone not hate her. Someone other than Monica. It hit her again, that wave of emotions that now so many people probably disliked her.

"I really hurt him. I hurt Barry. I hurt Monica...I screwed everything up. I don't know what the hell I'm doing and I know you don't wanna hear any of this...it's just...I don't know and I know it's weird to be sitting here crying and talking to you...but..." Rachel said before dissolving into tears again. Chandler raised an eyebrow and walked over to the couch. He sat next to her.

"Rachel-"

She wanted to stop crying. She wanted to laugh. She wanted to know she had done the right thing.

"I'm sorry...it's funny, today, while I was getting ready for my wedding, I actually thought of you. I thought about your nickname for me. Coyote...and how you know, you were waiting for me to run off the cliff. I think I've officially...metaphorically...run off the cliff."

"The coyote never dies," Chandler said, quietly.

"What?" Rachel asked, looking at him. He was staring at his hands and then at her.

"Wylie Coyote. He runs off the cliff, but he never dies. He might get scraped up and stuff, but he gets right back up and starts over. So...I guess you're starting over."

"I guess. I'm not going anywhere...not just 'cause I have nowhere else to go but I'm not going anywhere...I wanna stay," Rachel said.

"Okay," Chandler said, getting up and walking over to the stack of movies again.

"Why do you hate me?" Rachel asked although she did think that was dumb of her to ask. She had been mean. She had been horrible but he had been mean too, he had hurt her. It was all so bad.

"I don't hate you."

"Please."

"We're really gonna do this?" Chandler asked.

"I'm not leaving," Rachel said, wanting to follow through on Monica's one instruction. She wanted to move past all the anger she had with him.

"Okay...alright...every interaction we've had has been negative and I think this is the first time you've ever called me by my name and not called me a loser or an alcoholic...or told me I would die alone," Chandler said.

"You put peanut butter on my car," Rachel said, although not sure if that was the best argument considering she had done more damage to his car, apparently.

"It was a prank...I thought you'd find it funny."

"I didn't," Rachel said, remembering what she was going through. She had instinctly put her hand on her stomach although there was nothing there.

"Can-can I ask you something? If we're talking?" Chandler asked.

"Yeah."

"Monica and Ross told me how you reacted to that prank and that you were in hysterics and just really over the top. Were you really that upset?" Chandler asked.

Rachel teared up again as she looked down at the couch and began to play with a loose thread.

"I had had a really bad month."

"What happened?"

She couldn't tell him now. She couldn't talk about it but he did look concerned. He looked sweet, kind hearted and that made her even more upset. Maybe he wasn't so bad.

"I don't wanna talk about it. It was just...your timing was really bad," Rachel said.

"I'm sorry. I thought...I thought you'd laugh about it, like when we were at camp and I put peanut butter in your bed," Chandler said.

"No, I know. I'm sorry I called you names."

"I'm sorry I pranked you," Chandler said.

"It's okay...you know, can I tell you something?" Rachel asked.

"Sure."

"I actually wish we had been better friends at camp. I mean, I think we would've made a good team, don't you think? I mean, I was popular and you were good at being a prankster."

She could have done so much differently. She wanted to change everything.

"We would've ruled that camp," Chandler said.

"We would've. It's a shame we didn't realize that at the time."

"Yeah...you wanna watch that movie?"

"Yeah...do you have _Weekend at Bernie's _or _Spaceballs?" _Rachel asked.

"Wait...what?" Chandler asked.

Rachel smiled. "What? You don't think I like those movies?"

She figured she no longer needed lie about her favorite movie, there was no point. Chandler got up and walked back to the stack of movies and grabbed two VHS tapes. He turned to look at her and held up the movies and grinned.

"Choose."

"_Spaceballs_," Rachel said.

"Good choice."

"Then _Weekend at Bernie's_ after," Rachel said.

"You got it...you know, you are kinda like Princess Vespa. You ran out on your wedding just like she did," Chandler said as he set up the movie.

"Yeah...ajnd Barry is like Prince Valium. Can that be my new nickname? Princess Vespa?" Rachel asked as she grabbed a blanket that had been draped over the back of the couch and covered herself with it.

"How 'bout Princess Coyote?" Chandler asked.

"Okay. Can I call you Prince Loser?" Rachel asked.

"Anytime," Chandler said.

"But only we can call each other those nicknames," Rachel said.

"Alright and Rachel...I am sorry about the peanut butter on the car thing. I mean, you don't have to tell me what was happening but I really didn't mean to-"

"I know. Can we start over? I'm really not evil."

"You think Barry would agree?"

Rachel cringed a little, she loved that he was funny but something about being funny now did not seem right.

"Let's hold off on those jokes for a bit, okay," Rachel said.

"Got it," Chandler said as he made himself comfortable on the couch again and grabbed the remote. Rachel gently covered him with some of the blanket. He smiled at her as he pressed play. As the movie began, Rachel still kept crying. He paused the movie and looked at her.

"What?" Rachel asked.

"There's no crying during_ Spaceball_s."

"It's just...am I gonna be okay? I gave up my entire life...I'm really scared. What if I completely fail?" Rachel asked.

"You're gonna be fine."

"How do you know?"

"You're living with Monica," Chandler remarked. She smiled, he was so sweet. Maybe this was why Monica never completely hated him. He was sweet.

"Yeah...G-d, I missed her. I should never have given up that friendship. She's the only kind of friend that matters," Rachel said.

"Come here," Chandler said as he turned so his back was against the arm rest. Rachel smiled weakly as she snuggled up next to him. He wrapped his arms around her as he pressed play again. She felt comfortable and happy there, laying with him as he gently kissed her on the head. He kept trying to make her laugh and it was definitely working. It felt that she was finally, home.


	22. Chapter 22

**September 1994**

After _Spaceballs_ and _Weekend at Bernies,_ Chandler and Rachel remained seated on the couch. Rachel didn't want to go to sleep just yet, still reeling from the days events and Chandler didn't seem to want to sleep either and she was glad. She liked talking to him, really liked talking to him.

"So who was the guy you dated at camp?" Chandler asked, lying on the couch.

"Luke….oh, G-d, I haven't thought of him in a long time."

"He was a moron."

"He really was, wasn't he?" Rachel mused. "He was hot and I was eleven. I wasn't looking for anything serious. Although, when we got back from camp, my friend Sharon spread a rumor that I had sex with him and you."

"Slut."

"I know, right. No believed me that it wasn't true."

"We had sex at camp," Chandler said.

"We did not."

"Oh, yeah right….that was a dream I had."

Rachel laughed as she kicked him. He laughed as well. She was liking this guy. Chandler was funny, sweet and she felt guilty again. She could see Brian in her head, the bottle of empty pills next to him.

"You know, Chandler. I'm sorry…I'm sorry I wasn't there to help you when you were struggling with pills. Monica called me to come and help you but I went to Vail. I should've been there."

"It's fine. I probably wouldn't have wanted you there anyway."

"Yeah, probably….I'm still sorry," Rachel said, letting out a sigh. "Barry's brother overdosed on pills. He took his own life by swallowing vicodin and booze and...and so...I feel guilty. I should have been there for you."

"It's okay. I'm fine and I'm sorry about Barry's brother."

"You would have liked him. He had you Corvette in navy."

"Nice."

"He didn't crash it into a house though," Rachel said, smiling.

"How do you know that happened."

"It was in the paper. Brian cut it out for me. I still have it. I'll show it to you if you'd like."

"I'm okay...I'm still mourning."

"I called you an idiot when I found out."

"Most people do."

"Yeah, I'll apologize for everything else but not that," Rachel grinned.

"I understand...but hey, you're gonna be okay."

"I hope so….I gave up everything."

"Naw, you gave up what other people wanted."

"I guess...so I'm gonna live with Monica?"

"Yep. I live here and Joey is my roommate. Phoebe used to live with Monica but she moved out."

"Why?"

"Monica drove her crazy."

"Is she still anal about being neat?" Rachel asked.

"I think it's getting worse with age and Phoebe's had a pretty crazy life."

"Oh. How?"

"She's been through a lot."

"Hmmm, so why is Monica on a date with someone else and not on a date with you?" Rachel asked, grinning. Chandler raised an eyebrow. She didn't want to discuss her life now, maybe she could investigate someone else's. Or not.

"I am not discussing that with you."

"I've had a very rough day."

"I don't care," Chandler said.

"Well, I think you and Monica would be cute together."

"Hmmm, so how was your wedding?" Chandler asked, deadpanned. Rachel laughed.

"Fine. We'll watch another movie...I used to love _Airplane_," Rachel said as Chandler got up and walked towards his movies.

"I have that….we can watch that. Have you watched _Blazing Saddles_?" Chandler asked.

"No."

"Are you joking? How can you say _Spaceballs_ is your favorite and you haven't seen _Blazing Saddles_. _Young Frankenstein_?"

"No. Haven't seen that one either.I also heard _Animal House_ was supposed to be really good," Rachel said as Chandler just stared at her in disgust. It made her laugh.

"Alright, settle in. You're gonna be here for awhile...I can't...I just can't….okay, _Airplane, Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein_ and then _Animal House_," Chandler said.

"Sounds perfect."

Rachel smiled as Chandler got everything ready. It had been such a strange day and this felt like the perfect ending to a strange day. She wondered what Barry was doing now. What did he tell people? What did her friends tell people? She thought of Brian again and hoped he was proud.

Rachel could barely sleep that first night. Monica had lent her clothes and pajamas and she tossed and turned all night in the guest bedroom that was now her bedroom. It was smaller than the room she shared with Barry. She had to go back to her apartment. She had to get her stuff. She had to make breakfast. She slowly got up and walked into Monica's kitchen. She wanted to make breakfast. Her old friends still made fun of her for almost burning down Kiki's cabin trying to make toast but she was in a new world so that came with new skills. She began opening cabinets, deciding to make an omelet.

"Morning, Rach."

Rachel turned to look at her, grinning from ear to ear. She didn't realize that she may have been being too loud. Monica was just staring at her from her doorway.

"I thought I'd make you an omelet. To say thank you."

"Do you know how to make an omelet?"

"No."

Monica laughed as she walked towards Rachel and took the pan from her.

"Thank you, Rach. I'll do it."

"Okay...sorry," Rachel said, as she stepped off to the side and watched as Monica began making breakfast.

"That's alright. I'll teach you at some point."

"How was the date?" Rachel asked.

"It was okay. How was your night?"

She thought of the movies from the previous night. She had never laughed so hard and most of the laughter came from stuff Chandler told her.

"I talked with Chandler. He's a really funny guy."

Monica's mouth dropped open as she stared at Rachel. Rachel knew Monica was shocked.

"Oh my G-d," Monica said.

"I know….last night, I was sitting on the couch crying. That's what I did after you left and Chandler came by looking for you and I invited myself to watch movies with him and we talked….a lot and...it felt right and good and...nice. We apologized to each other and we laughed and...I don't think I will be calling him an alcoholic loser anymore."

"Good. I'm so happy."

"Now, why aren't you two together?" Rachel asked, grinning as she plopped herself down at the table.

"You're still on real thin ice with me," Monica warned.

She just couldn't resist. Investigating the Monica and Chandler relationship made her happy and so little did these days.

"What? You've….you like him."

"Rachel."

"He likes you," Rachel said, her face was was starting to hurt, her smile was so wide. She'd have to get to the bottom of this.

"I know….he's...I can't...Rach, look, what you don't know...he's got a lot of issues. I can't."

The smile disappeared. She understood. He was funny but there were things about him….he did become addicted to pills.

"Okay….I understand."

"So….what are your plans for today?"

"Hmmm...I probably should go back to my apartment," Rachel said.

"Oh...yeah, I get it."

"Clearly, you don't," Rachel said, noticing Monica's look. Did Monica think she was going to run off? Where would she go? "I need to get my clothes and my toothbrush and….my ID and my accessories. Shoes. My boots. All of my boots...they must be wondering where I am."

"Of course...well, maybe we can get Joey, Ross and Chandler to help."

"Would they?"

"Of course."

"I have a lot of crap."

"I've known you for 18 years. I am sure you do," Monica said.

"You can borrow my boots. Anytime. You don't even have to ask."

"Thank you," Monica said.

Rachel let out a sigh as Monica continued to cook breakfast which of course was soon interrupted by Joey and Chandler walking in to find where breakfast was.

"Mon, I want food," Joey said.

"I'm making breakfast, hold on," Monica said.

"Hey, Rach," Chandler said.

"Hey...loser," Rachel grinned before noticing everyone staring at her. Tough crowd, she thought. "I'm making a joke. Good morning, Chandler and Joey."

"Timing is everything, sweetheart," Chandler retorted.

"Oh, bite me," Rachel said.

"Boys, we need your help today. Rachel needs to move out of her apartment and you guys need to help get her stuff," Monica said which caused both boys to groan and stare angrily at Rachel.

"Is this why you were nice to me last night?" Chandler asked.

"No….a little….I still need help moving my crap and I really don't want to run into any of my old friends or Barry…." Rachel said.

"Don't worry, babe, Joey's here."

"Joey, stop hitting on her," Monica admonished.

"Yeah, don't mind my roommate….he's a big walking penis," Chandler said.

"Thank you," Joey said.

"Wasn't a compliment, Joe."

"You just called me big...actually, Rachel a lot of people just refer to me as Big Joe."

"Joey, stop," Monica said.

"And no one does that," Chandler said. Rachel began laughing. She loved watching Joey and Chandler joke with each other. They seemed like brothers. Monica pretended to be annoyed with them as she handed them plates and made breakfast for all of them. It seemed so lovely, so warm and friendly.

Her apartment felt like just the opposite. When the super finally let them into her apartment, she was shocked with how cold it felt compared to Monica's. She never really noticed how sterile it felt but it did feel empty. It was empty. Barry had left and she found out from the super that Barry had gone to Aruba….on what was supposed to be their honeymoon. Her heart broke at that news. She wondered if he had gone alone or if he had gone with someone? What if he had gone with Mindy?

"Can I live with Barry?" Chandler asked, breaking Rachel's train of thought. She needed to leave, she needed to get out of there.

"Okay, let me grab the suitcases and….I just need some stuff like for clothes and..." Rachel said, this is was sad.

"Rachel, this is where I take control. Okay, Joey, Ross, Chandler take the boxes and...where's your room?" Monica asked.

"Come on, boys," Rachel said as the boys groaned. They followed Rachel into her bedroom. She pointed out her closet and opened her nightstand. She also showed them her make up drawer and anything that was her's. She felt like crying although that feeling turned to laughter as the three boys just began tossing her stuff in boxes….no folding, no neatness, just tossing. She walked out of her bedroom and saw Monica waiting for her. She looked around her apartment. That balcony, she had been proposed to on that balcony.

"They're packing my closet." Rachel said when she returned. "Monica….I loved this place."

"It's a nice apartment."

There were memories. Moments she would miss. She remembered one in particular when Brian had visited her while Barry was at school all day. They watched soap operas and ate ice cream and chocolate chip cookies while drinking wine and yelling at the action on television the way people yell at players while watching sports games. She had laughed so much that day, so grateful for that time she had with him but this new life would have good memories. She had a feeling it would.

"Yes, but it didn't have Joey and Chandler barging in and making jokes and asking for breakfast."

"Oh, the novelty of that wears off."

"No, I'll never get sick of it," Rachel said as she noticed the light blinking on the answering machine. "Hmm...messages." There were ten messages. Rachel pressed play, maybe she was wrong. Her friends did miss her. Her friends did care….or not.

_"Hey, Barry it's Nancy….just checking in. What a skank bitch, I have never liked Rachel. What kind of skank does that? Call me, love. Bye."_

Rachel rolled her eyes. Why was she ever friends with Nancy?

_"Barry, it's Sharon. Well, do you expect? That slut was sleeping with your brother. I told you how she fucked two different guys at summer camp. She was eleven Call me."_

_"Hey, it's Leslie. I am so sorry. Rachel is too ugly for you anyway. She's just horrible and you are just too good and too sweet….call me, sweetie."_

_"It's Alex, Kiki and I agree...she's a whore. Fuck her. Ehhh, don't do that. You don't even know where that's been. Call me when you back from Aruba."_

Rachel couldn't breathe. As she listened to the messages, she began crying. No one cared. No one gave a shit that she had vanished and the lies….all the lies on that machine. She had not slept with two guys at camp. She had not slept with Brian...and did no one think she'd hear these hateful messages? Did they really think she wouldn't be bck.

_"Hey, it's Frank….yeah, Joanne and I were talking. Rachel is a fucking bitch. Get the ring back, give it to someone hotter. Who does that? Talk to you later man."_

_"It's Joanne. Frank just left a message but honestly, good riddance. She's mentally unstable and pathetic and just desperate. She probably has STDs and-"_

Monica pressed the button on the machine. Rachel was practically hyperventilating as Monica hugged her, tightly.

"Did they not think I'd be back? The guy went Aruba and...none of my friends are worried about me? They're not wondering where I am? For all they knew, I was missing for twenty four hours and no one cared. I have no friends."

"Rachel, sweetie," Monica comforted her. "It's okay."

"Why do they hate me so much?" Rachel asked, sobbing into Monica's shoulder. Suddenly though, she felt like she was surrounded. She lifted her head up and noticed the three boys joining in the hug, making it a group hug. She giggled a little, she loved them all surrounding her but it was a little difficult.

"I can't breathe," Rachel said as they all stepped back.

"You got us, Rach….we're not going anywhere," Ross said.

"Yeah….we would care if you went missing. We'd get you….also, the Gellers don't let anyone go missing. Believe me," Chandler grinned which caused Ross to smack him upside the head.

"Let's get to work, please." Monica said and of course, off they went, packing Rachel's belongings. Rachel looked back at the machine, tempted to listen to the remaining messages. Maybe there was one that was good but before she could press play, Monica erased all the messages. Rachel opened her mouth to argue but Monica shook her head."What good can come from listening to the other messages?"

"There might be a nice one."

"Or one saying that you have an STD. I'm not letting you take that chance. Did you really sleep with two guys at summer camp?"

"Seriously, Mon?" Rachel asked, wondering if Monica was actually asking that.

"What?"

"No and by the way, one of the guys in that rumor is Chandler and I have a feeling you'd know by now if that was true. I also didn't sleep with Barry's brother. G-d, I miss him, though. He was my everything. He was gay and couldn't tell his family so they all thought I was sleeping with him because we were so close."

"You wanna call him? Have him come over and help."

"I so do. But I can't….he passed away a little over a year ago. He took his own life by overdosing on pills and alcohol….I found his body."

"Oh, Rachel."

She saw Brian's bluish body in her head, his legs, racing to him and holding him in her arms, cradling him and praying that would be enough to wake him. She shook her head, not wanting to think about it anymore.

"It's okay. Let's pack," Rachel said as Monica gave her a hug. The two joined the boys to help them get her stuff. She felt like she was leaving her prison, she was getting out. She was starting her new world. Those old friends didn't have to understand. They didn't have to get it. She did. She needed to make her own way. She needed to do it for herself and Brian. She needed to take charge.

Her last job interview at been at BCBG had she had completely flopped. She thought about about working retail but she had no skills doing anything. She had worked in her aunt's store but that was when she was fourteen. She was twenty four now. She knew she needed a job now, with help from Monica and her new group of friends, she cut up her father's credit cards. She had no money so she went downstairs to the coffee shop and filled out an application. Her boss, a guy named Terry, looked suspiciously like the dad from ALF and was kind of a jerk but she was desperate for money and he was desperate for a waitress. She was excited that she had landed the job but the excitement wore off when she realized what she would be doing: serving coffee. Day after day. Coffee serving. It helped that Monica, Ross, Joey, Phoebe and Chandler were always there but the job was boring. She began to wonder if she had made a mistake, serving coffee and not sitting on her couch watching soaps. It made her a little sad.

"So, how is it?" Ross asked as Rachel served him coffee. It was her first week and she was in hell. Ross was grinning at her.

"I'm doing this to help me."

"Exactly….and 'cause I like coffee."

"Bite me."

"That's not good customer service."

"Bite me hard."

"This is good coffee serving. You're doing well."

"It's not fashion."

"You look adorable," Ross said.

Rachel laughed, knowing Ross was playing with her.

"Thanks. How did I end up here?"

"You ran out on your wedding and applied to a job at a coffee house?"

"I didn't mean that literally," Rachel said.

"You will do fine. You got your first job. Was this your first real, official job interview?"

"No, I interviewed once at BCBG."

"And?"

"And what?"

"How did it go?"

"Really well….so well in fact that I'm still working there," Rachel said, sarcasm dripping from every syllable.

"You really gotta work on that customer service," Ross retorted.

"Bite me, Geller," Rachel said as she walked off to go take more orders. It was such a different cry from the life she had once known. There would be no trip to Vail with her friends, no plans for a summer trip somewhere in the world. She was now living in the city.


	23. Chapter 23

**September 1994 pt 2**

She never expected to see them again. She had been living in the city for a few weeks and she figured she would never see anyone from her old life again but when Kiki, Leslie and Joanne walked into Central Perk, her heart dropped. They hugged each other and Rachel tried to put what she had heard them say about her on the answering machine out of her mind. They had all suggested dinner and Rachel said she would meet them after work. She wished she had said no, but she couldn't do it. She was dreading it and before she left, she approached Monica and Phoebe who were sitting on the couch.

"You girls wanna come with me?" Rachel asked.

"Not even a little bit," Monica said.

"I came with you to have lunch Laurie and Ellie," Rachel said. Monica had made Rachel go to lunch with her and Laurie and Ellie, whom Rachel had not seen since high school. Rachel knew Monica had been really close to them and was apparently still friends with them. Monica had wanted Rachel to hash things out with them as well so that everyone would get along.

"That is not even close to being the same thing," Monica said.

"Fine, Phoebe?" Rachel asked.

"Oh, I would so love to but I really don't want to," Phoebe said. "By the way, you should try that line sometimes."

"I-but-" Rachel said.

"Alright, Rach….the boys are going to a hockey game tonight. Phoebe is spending the night. We will have a girls night, I will bake cookies and brownies and all sorts of junk food-"

"Will there be booze?" Rachel asked.

"Oh, yes. It will be coming out of the faucets," Monica joked.

"We should make her that drink," Phoebe said.

"What drink?" Rachel asked.

"Oh, that drink...the one we had during New Years a few years ago?" Monica asked.

"Yes," Phoebe said.

"Oh, I wonder if I could make it into a smoothie?" Monica asked.

"What drink? Bitches," Rachel said which made Monica and Phoebe both laugh.

"It's called Slow Death," Phoebe said.

"That sounds amazing," Rachel said. "And you know, speaking of brownies….when I was in Amsterdam, we had pot brownies. Just throwing it out there."

"I love those," Phoebe said. "I had one that told me a limerick."

"I had a couple trays that made me polish through five bags of potato chips and box of Mallomars," Rachel said.

"That's not happening. Just regular old fashioned brownies," Monica grinned.

"You're no fun," Rachel groaned as she turned and walked out of Central Perk. She wasn't sure why she had agreed to dinner. She had also heard Sharon, Nancy, Mindy and Melissa would be there. Mindy said she had news. She took a cab to The Plaza where she saw her former group of girls sitting there. She could hear the messages replay in her head.

"Rachel, how are you?" Kiki asked, giving her a hug.

"Fine, fine," Rachel said, as she sat down and picked up the menu when it dawned on her that for the first time ever, she could not afford anything on the menu.

"So, let's discuss what we're getting first and then we'll talk." Kiki said.

"You know, I can't really afford anything. I just got my first paycheck and I have to help pay rent and utilities," Rachel said.

"It is like you're in a play," Kiki said.

"Honey, I will spot you….don't worry," Mindy said.

"Oh, well...thanks…" Rachel said.

"Wait, I heard you're living with Monicow?" Nancy asked.

"Monica...her name is Monica...and yeah, it's kinda fun," Rachel said.

"She's making you pay to live with her?" Nancy asked, sounding disgusted.

"Well...yeah…..'cause we're roommates. I'm thankful she took me in," Rachel said.

"When are you gonna stop this? Honestly, it's pathetic," Joanne said.

Rachel took a deep breath and the memory of those messages hit her once more.

"I like this, Joanne. I like doing things on my own and I'm actually glad now that I did because when I came back with Monica to get all my stuff. I heard your messages. All of them. I thought we were all friends and those messages were so hurtful. Did you think I was never coming back? I did not have sex with two boys at summer camp, Sharon. Ever. You know that and I never slept with Barry's brother because Barry's brother was gay and he was my best friend."

"We were just trying to make him feel better," Joanne said.

"What about me? You guys had no idea where I was for twenty four hours. This is the first time I have spoken to any of you in weeks. Did my friendship mean that little to you? Monica Geller took me in and gave me a place to stay and I treated her horribly. Remember that guy with Corvette and we slashed his tires? He's actually really funny and has such a good heart."

"Whatever, you've always been so self absorbed," Nancy said.

"I appreciated your friendship," Melissa said.

"Thank you, Melissa….and by the way, Barry went on our honeymoon alone. He went to Aruba alone so before you start feeling bad-"

"Actually, Rach….that's what I wanted to talk to you about," Mindy said. "Barry wasn't alone."

"He wasn't?" Rachel asked.

"No...I went with him. Barry and I are now dating," Mindy said.

"What?" Rachel asked.

"I'm so sorry….it's just...I like him and I've always liked him," Mindy said.

"I know. I caught you two making out during that luau senior year," Rachel said.

"It's just...he is such a sweetheart and you know, look everything is working out the way it's supposed to. You know that you and Barry weren't a good fit. I mean, we all know what happened in Vegas," Mindy said.

"And now you can get everyone to feel sorry for you," Leslie said.

"Excuse me?" Rachel asked.

"Isn't this what it's about? What it's always about? You play the victim role so well and it's ridiculous. You ran out on Barry and screwed up everything. You ruined your life and now we have to pay for your dinner," Leslie said.

"Well, like I said...Rachel has always been self absorbed," Nancy said.

"Well, you're a bitch. You are a mean person, Nancy and Sharon, you're a mean person and Mindy...you went behind my back and are now dating a man I dated for four years. Am I supposed to be happy about that? And fine...okay, yeah, maybe I am now being selfish but I have hid and lied about so much. You know what my favorite movie is not _Terms of Endearment._ It's _Spaceballs._..or _Weekend at Bernies_. Yeah, that's right….when given a choice, I will gladly watch a movie about a dead guy getting kicked in the crotch and another thing, I want to work in fashion. It pissed me off that we didn't go to fashion week when we were in Paris and okay, right now….I'm a waitress. Pays the bills. Fine but I wanna make my own way because I don't want my legacy to be, Rachel Green: sat on her ass and watched as life passed her by," Rachel said.

"I am not bitch," Nancy said.

"You're still calling Monica... Monicow. We are twenty four years old, you have not seen her in seven years and you're still calling her Monicow. It's lame...that is not her name," Rachel said.

"I think your new found independence is making you meaner," Kiki said.

"Apparently and Mindy, 'cause you offered to pay...I'm going to get the whole grilled court bouillon lobster," Rachel said.

"That's fifty dollars," Mindy said.

"Yes….and to drink...oh, the twenty five dollar glass of cabernet sauvignon," Rachel said.

"Really?" Mindy asked.

"Should I have one glass or two?" Rachel asked.

"Whatever you want, Rachel." Mindy grumbled. Rachel did not particularly care if Mindy was upset. She didn't care if any of them were upset, she was furious. She was angry at herself for how much time she had wasted with these girls, how much time she had spent running and all she wanted to do was go back home and sit with Phoebe and Monica and drink.

When she finally arrived home, she put the leftover lobster in the fridge and joined Phoebe and Rachel on the balcony for drinks and pizza. Monica had made a Slow Death smoothie which contained about eight or nine different kinds of alcohol. Apparently, Monica had discovered the drink on her twenty first birthday and introduced Phoebe when they were living together. Even that made her sad. Phoebe and Monica were close and had memories that she wasn't a part of and she also got a feeling that Phoebe didn't like her very much. She wasn't sure why though, but as the three women sat on the balcony, Rachel was still struck by how comfortable it was. It was warm and while the Slow Death smoothie was no twenty five dollar glass of wine, it tasted so much better.

"I think when it comes to girls, Chandler is more sophisticated than he lets on. That clueless thing is an act...that's my guess," Monica said as the three sat there, talking about Ross, Chandler and Joey. Rachel grinned wildly at that statement, remembering that lunch with herself, Ellie and Laurie and how the three of them were teasing Monica about her love of Chandler.

"Oh my G-d, will you get into his pants already," Phoebe said

"Shut up," Monica said, laughing.

"Wait...what?" Rachel asked.

"Monica loves Chandler," Phoebe said.

"Oh, I know that. Why do you think she lost two hundred pounds?" Rachel asked, she knew it so well and loved that Phoebe knew it as well...it was the worst kept secret ever.

"You lost two hundred pounds for Chandler?" Phoebe asked.

"No, it was for my health," Monica said.

"Oh, fuck that. It was so not for your health," Rachel said, of course not revealing how she thought Monica had lost the weight. She didn't know how much Phoebe knew.

"I am not going to date Chandler Bing. I am not going to sleep with Chandler Bing. I am not going anywhere near Chandler Bing or his thing...ever," Monica said.

"So, okay Rachel...when Monica and Chandler get married-" Phoebe started.

"Wait-" Monica said.

"Yeah?" Rachel asked, she loved this conversation. She loved that she wasn't the only one noticing the sparks between Chandler and Monica.

"I wanna sing at their wedding. The song will be called, 'I Told You So.'"

"Can I sing with you?" Rachel asked.

"Of course," Phoebe said.

"I need new friends," Monica mused as she poured some more punch in her glass and proceeded to pour more into Rachel and Phoebe's glasses as well. Rachel took a sip of her drink. She had several glasses of Slow Death smoothie in her and maybe it was the liquid courage that made her mind go there. She had only known Phoebe for about a month and while Phoebe had been nice to her, there was something about her that Rachel could not quite call out. She had a feeling Phoebe wasn't too fond of her which was a shame because even in the short time she knew Phoebe, she was kind of amazed by her, by her optimism. Phoebe had been homeless for ten years before moving in with Monica.

"So Pheebs...why do you hate me?" Rachel asked. She knew the question was blunt. Phoebe stared at her.

"I don't hate you," Phoebe said. "I like you...I've been nice to you."

"Okay...I don't believe you though. I get a feeling you don't like me. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not. Despite everything...I feel like I'm supposed to be here. I feel home. It's weird," Rachel said.

"I know you're not going anywhere...although if you dump me as your friend again, I swear I will never speak to you again," Monica said.

"I know...hanging out with those girls, man I was a bitch...and you know, I'm sorry," Rachel said.

"Do you remember me?" Phoebe asked.

"What?" Rachel asked, looking back at Phoebe.

"Do you remember me?" Phoebe asked.

"From where?" Rachel asked, confused.

"You've met Phoebe before," Monica said.

"When?" Rachel asked, when would she have met Phoebe? She doubted that she and Phoebe ever ran in the same social circles.

"Three times, actually. The last time...when you volunteered in a soup kitchen with Monica," Phoebe asked.

"Remember we were seventeen and I talked you into going to a soup kitchen with me and I served all the fancy food which you thought was ridiculous?" Monica asked.

"Which actually wasn't...my friends and I loved it," Phoebe said.

"Really?" Monica asked.

"Yeah...but I remember asking Monica if there were vegetarian items and you said-"

"Beggars can't be choosers," Rachel said, finished as she brought her hand to her mouth, "oh my G-d. That was you?"

She was the girl with the laugh. Phoebe. Phoebe was the girl. She remembered telling Brian about that laugh. She was stunned. Her mind was fuzzy.

"Yeah...kinda hurtful. And you both ate with us after. Monica talked to us...you stared at yourself in your compact mirror the whole time."

"Oh my G-d," Rachel said.

"I also..." Phoebe began, slowly, "um...did your aunt's store ever get robbed?"

"Yeah. When I was working there. I was like fourteen. They made off with like over nine hundred dollars worth of stuff," Rachel said. How would Phoebe know that? Rachel's heart started to beat faster. She remembered that day so vividly, how much trouble she had gotten into. It had been awful.

"Really? It was that much?" Phoebe asked, a little shocked.

"Yeah. My parents had to write a check to cover for the stolen merchandise and I was grounded for like a month and a half," Rachel said, purposely leaving out the fighting and yelling that had happened.

"Um...I was your thief," Phoebe said.

"What?" Rachel asked, sitting up and looking at her. She felt very sober for a moment as she stared at Phoebe.

"That was the second time I was actually in that store. First time, I was fifteen. I mugged a kid and stole his money and then went to your store and bought a purple dress and you were there...you didn't really talk to me but before I left, I heard you say that you needed to tell someone to fumigate the store because homeless people had just walked in. The reason I robbed you...I was pissed...not at you, I had been held captive by a pimp and I was really angry and I escaped but I couldn't do anything to the pimp. He would have killed me so I wanted to harm someone else, someone well...weaker. So I staked out that store until I got your work schedule down-"

"You stalked me?" Rachel asked.

"Yeah. Then when I knew when you would be working, I walked in and just ransacked it while you were on the phone-"

"Talking to Monica," Rachel said.

"It was me you were talking to?" Monica asked.

"It was," Rachel said, her voice soft and quiet. Her mind felt like fuzz. Had she really been so horrible? She remembered Phoebe being in her store the first time, looking homeless and she was. She wished she could go back. She really liked Phoebe. Phoebe seemed to represent what she wanted, someone who made their own way. She had hurt Phoebe, she had hurt Monica, she had hurt Chandler….she hurt Barry….she hated this. She hating making people upset with her especially when all she wanted was to make people not upset with her. She started to cry as she stumbled towards Phoebe and began hugging her.

"I'm so sorry, Phoebe," Rachel said.

"What? No...Rachel-"

"No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you went through all that and I'm sorry I made you feel bad and Monica, I'm sorry if I made you feel bad too and...I-" Rachel was crying as Monica got up to join in the hug.

"Oh, Rachel...it's okay," Monica said. "I do forgive you."

"Really and Phoebe-"

"Rachel, I stole from you...you should be mad at me. I mean, you got grounded because of me," Phoebe said, smiling.

She got more than just grounded but that didn't matter anymore.

"Ehhh, the clothes were overpriced anyway," Rachel said.

"You're not going to tell your aunt though? Are you?" Phoebe asked.

"Oh G-d, no...first of all, it was like ten years ago and second...there's no reason to. Did you at least get good use out of the clothes?" Rachel asked as she returned to her original seat, Phoebe and Monica both returned to their seats as well.

"I did. In fact, when I was at the soup kitchen, I was wearing one of the dresses I stole and I got so nervous, I put on a sweatshirt...a Lincoln High sweatshirt because I thought you might you recognize the dress...turns out you both went to Lincoln High," Phoebe said.

"That's actually kind of funny," Rachel said.

"Yeah, it was a little bit. We laughed about it afterwards," Phoebe said.

"I want you to like me, Phoebe. I think you're actually pretty awesome and it's my loss that I didn't realize that when I saw you back then. I think you're brave and so, so strong...and I'd like to be your friend, if you'd let me?" Rachel asked.

"I do like you...and you are my friend and when Chandler and Monica get married-"

"Stop it," Monica said.

"When Chandler and Monica get married, will you help me write the song."

"Yes," Rachel said, grinning.

"We are not getting married," Monica said.

Rachel giggled a little as the girls continued drinking and talking. She loved sitting there with those two. Loved hearing about Monica and Phoebe living together, it cracked her up when Phoebe complained about Monica's insane neatness and Monica declared that her obsession with neatness was just for good health. She loved Phoebe's strength and loved how Monica had basically put together her own little family in the city.

Soon the boys joined them and the played Twister. Ross had gotten hit in the face with a hockey puck at the game so he was the one who was in charge of the spinner. She hadn't played a game like that in so long and she couldn't remember having that much fun. Chandler made her crack up constantly, Joey kept trying to get into positions so that he could get a better view of Rachel, Phoebe and Monica's chests. Monica got competitive, Phoebe yelled at her to stop being competitive. This was perfect.

Long after everyone else had passed out, Rachel snuck out onto the balcony with another Slow Death smoothie and sat, sipping the smoothie and staring off into the night. She couldn't believe the last few weeks, trying to comprehend everything. Her life had completely changed.

"Hey."

Rachel turned and saw Monica standing by the window, holding a box of Twinkies. She hadn't had those in so long. Monica stepped onto the balcony and walked towards Rachel.

"Twinkies," Rachel smiled as Monica opened the box and handed her one. The two girls sat side by side in silence as they ate.

"You okay?"

"Everything is different. I'm apologizing for everything. I feel right...here's where i'm supposed to be and I saw those girls and I hated them and I saw Nancy and she was mean. I can't believe I wasted so much time wanting to be like them, wanting to be accepted by them and I thought I could be cool and popular and that would be important. Mindy was in Aruba. With Barry."

"Ouch."

"Yeah. How did I pick so badly? Why did I think they would be my friends. You know, that night you called. I was so happy you called and I wanted to drive over here right then but I didn't 'cause I was scared and so many times in the last year and you don't know this but so many times, I drove over here and I sat in my car and tried to will myself to walk in but I couldn't. I chickened out. I was really lonely. It was funny, when I hung out with Chandler….we watched _Spaceballs_ and I hadn't seen that movie in a long time because I had said my favorite movie was _Terms of Endearment '_cause I thought that was cooler. I even felt I had lie about my favorite movie."

"Chandler would have killed you if you had made him watch _Terms of Endearment_ and_ Spaceballs_ will now be your movie with him."

"What?"

"Well, if that's the movie you watched together, from now on whenever he thinks you're upset, he's gonna pull _Spaceballs_ out and you'll be watching."

"Can't wait. What's yours?"

_"When Harry Met Sally_."

"Of course it is….I can't believe Phoebe robbed my store and I can't believe I was so mean to her."

"I didn't tell her what you said in the car...about her probably dying of disease or drugs? The stuff you said after...in the car? I will never tell her that."

"Oh, G-d don't….how did she get here? How did she...I can't believe-"

"Long story. She worked her ass off though."

"She's incredible and she still has that laugh though."

"I know...and all three of those boys try to make her laugh like that all the time. Especially Joey and Chandler."

"You guys are a fun group."

"We are and you're home."

"Good," Rachel said as she reached for another Twinkie and unwrapped it. Monica did the same. Rachel leaned in and placed her head on Monica's shoulder as Monica continued to comfort her. "By the way, I'm glad you're still friends with Ellie and Laurie and Phoebe is amazing...but the Twinkies?"

"Oh, no, no...it's our thing. I can promise you, I have never had Twinkies with anyone else...have you?"

"No. Brian asked once and I said no...although we can include Phoebe in the Twinkie talks. It's okay."

Monica laughed as she continued to comfort Rachel. She took a bite of her Twinkie and continued to stare out into the darkness. Brian lived close to Monica...only a couple streets away. If only Rachel had known, she would have run away earlier.

A few days later, she took cab into Long Island and went to where Barry was working. She waited until he had a moment and when she stepped into his office, she shut the door behind her.

"You're dating Mindy."

"Yeah….well, Rach, you ran out on me."

"And you moved on quickly. We dated for four years. Did they mean nothing?"

"No, they did….come on, you never loved me. Mindy loves me."

"I did love you. I gave up so much for you. I gave up old friends and my dreams….I gave up everything. I gave up on me."

"Well, now you can get you back. Look, you know the only reason you dated me was because you couldn't date my brother."

"That's not true. Okay...well…" Rachel reached into her purse and pulled out her engagement ring. She was in no mood to argue as she handed him the ring, "here….have the ring back. Give it to Mindy. She seems to like things that used to belong to me."

"You can keep the ring."

"No, I can't, "Rachel said as she placed the ring on a counter. She took a deep breath and looked at him. "I'm sorry I hurt you,"

"I did love you, Rach….it's just….you weren't happy and that was humiliating thinking we were getting married and I know you moved all your stuff out of our place when I was in Aruba."

"I did and I heard our….or your friends messages….Monica deleted them. They were mean. We have mean friends."

"They were trying to comfort me."

"Barry, we had good times. I mean, we will always have Amsterdam," Rachel said, grinning. Barry laughed as well.

"Skinny dipping and a threesome in the red light district….it was a good time. You know, I think my brother was right. You don't belong here. You're more than a lady who lunches."

"I'm a waitress in a coffee house."

"Fun...but you almost burnt down Kiki's cabin making toast."

"No one ever orders toast…..thank you though, for four very wonderful years. We did have fun and I will miss you."

"I'll miss you too...and hey, if you ever do make it to New York Fashion Week...can you get me tickets? I'm sure my brother would want me to go," Barry said.

Rachel nodded as she walked towards him. The two embraced and shared a quick kiss before she walked out of the office. Once outside, she began to cry. Her relationship with Barry was officially done. That life was officially….over….almost.

Next, she took a cab to Olivia's. She needed to go shopping at her aunt's store. Olivia smiled at her as she walked in. Rachel smiled back, she was tempted of course to tell Olivia that she knew who robbed her store ten years ago but she wouldn't. She couldn't do that to Phoebe and she felt slightly powerful knowing this information. As she looked through the racks, she found an outfit she thought Phoebe would like and walked up to the counter where Olivia was working.

"Pretty...nice stuff," Olivia said.

"It's for a new friend. Can you wrap it up?"

"Sure...anything for my one of my favorite nieces."

"Hmmm, well...favorite until I let your store get robbed...although, can I ask you something about that?"

"Sure."

"Why would you let a fourteen year old be alone in the store and be responsible for all this? I mean...what would I have done if I had even caught the person? I'm short and small...how would I even go about catching a thief?" Rachel asked and now knowing who had robbed the store, she doubted she would have even been able to do something to Phoebe if she had even caught her. Phoebe was far taller than she was and probably could kick her ass. The more Rachel analyzed, the more she thought there was nothing she could have done.

"I know you love this….I left you alone because I thought and I still think you're responsible. I think you could run a store like this. I've always thought that and between you and me, I'm so happy you ran out on Barry."

"You think I could own a store?"

"Oh yeah, honey….you know fashion. I also think you could be a designer. You have a good eye."

"And you're happy I ran out on my wedding?"

"Yeah….that wasn't you."

Rachel smiled as her aunt wrapped up Phoebe's gift and Rachel paid for it. She looked around the store, she did miss working there. She looked at the mannequins that she had loved dressing up. She hated what they were wearing now. They looked very unfashionable.

After one more stop at a flower shop, Rachel took a cab to a cemetery and stopped at Brian's grave. She was surprised at how unkempt were weeds and it looked like no one had ever visited which she hoped wasn't true. She pulled the weeds out, apologizing and made sure it looked a little better. She lay the bouquet of flowers on the grave and touched the tombstone.

"Hey, Brian….it's me. So Barry and I broke up. I ran out on the wedding and I am now a waitress at Central Perk. It's a horrible job but I got my first paycheck. It was so cool and that paycheck...super depressing. Seriously, who is this FICA guy and why does he want all my money? I'm-I'm roommates with my friend Monica. The one from high school that I used to eat Twinkies with and I live next door to a guy named Joey and oh...Chandler….the one who drove the Corvette into the house. Actually, I think you'd like him. He's really funny and sweet and I know wished for bad things to happen to him but I don't think I do anymore. There is also Phoebe who is the bravest, strongest, coolest girl ever and Ross….Ross is also a good friend. He's divorced. His wife is a lesbian. So I escaped my Long Island prison and you can come back now. Please? I mean, I live really close to your old apartment and Central Perk is really cute. Come back….please or give me a sign that you're gonna protect me. I hate that you left. I really hate that you left and I hate that I never realized how much pain you were really in. You would love my new friends. Oh G-d, Brian….I'm sorry. Barry said that I never loved him and the only reason I dated him was because you and I could never date. He was right...oh and he took Mindy on our honeymoon. I don't how much power you have up there but if you could orchestrate a flock of pigeons to poop on them, that would be awesome. But I miss you and I love you...and I just want you to come back, please come back," Rachel said as she cried, wiping the tears away from her face. She let out a sigh as she stood there for a bit longer before getting up to go back home. Her new home.

When she got back, she walked into Central Perk to see Ross, Chandler, Phoebe, Joey and Monica sitting, drinking coffee and eating muffins. Ross' nose was still sore from getting hit in the face with the hockey puck and Joey was teasing him by pretending to hit him in the face with his scone. Rachel smiled as she walked towards them and plopped down next to Phoebe on the orange couch. She handed Phoebe the big white box from Olivia's.

"Hey, guys," Rachel said.

"What is this?" Phoebe asked.

"Where did you go?" Monica asked.

"I had to go to Long Island to run an errand," Rachel said. Well, several errands but that wasn't important now.

"This is from your aunt's store," Phoebe said, looking at the writing on the box.

"Open it," Rachel said.

Phoebe opened the box and in it was a red beaded top and a long white skirt with little white eyelets all over it. There was also several long gold necklaces with large different colored stones and a pair of chandelier earrings. She looked over at Rachel who was smiling.

"Oh my G-d, Rachel...thank you," Phoebe said as she and Rachel hugged.

"Why didn't you buy us presents?" Chandler asked.

"Because...I found out that Phoebe had been in my aunt's store twice and received very shitty customer service and I wanted to apologize," Rachel said.

"Apology accepted," Phoebe said.

"You were a bitch," Monica grinned.

"Shut up," Rachel said.

"Oh, did you tell her?" Chandler asked.

"That I robbed her? Yes," Phoebe said.

"You robbed her?" Joey asked.

"My aunt's store. When I was thirteen and fourteen, I worked there every once in a while to get money. I stopped working there when apparently Phoebe stole a shit load of clothes from the store...on my watch," Rachel said.

"You know what I don't get? You were thirteen and fourteen...yet, your aunt left you there alone," Ross said.

"She did. That day you stole all those clothes. I was alone," Rachel said.

"What would you have done if you had caught her?" Ross asked.

"I wasn't being very subtle...Chandler, remember when you and I first met at that movie theater and I had the big giant guitar case?" Phoebe asked.

"Yes," Chandler said.

"I carried that in there and stuffed the clothes inside," Phoebe said.

"Hmmm...Rach, you're an idiot," Chandler said, smiling.

"What? I am not," Rachel said, pretending to be upset. Truth was, she was truly enjoying this. Loving that they were playing with her, teasing her gently. She loved it.

"Well, I think I agree with Chandler...if I have a store and someone walks in with a giant guitar case and they kinda look like they live on the street, I'd probably hang up the phone and watch them," Monica said.

"I was fourteen. I cannot be penalized for things I did when I was fourteen," Rachel argued.

"Penalized...penal...funny," Joey said.

Soon though, everyone was laughing and gently teasing Rachel for being the worst store person ever and for as upset as Rachel wanted to be, she couldn't really find it in her heart to be upset. She felt accepted and in the mood for coffee and some cake. As she got up, she noticed a car parked outside. She walked outside and looked at it. It was a dark navy blue Corvette….just like the one Brian used to drive. She smiled, wondering. She looked up at the sky and stepped back into Central Perk. The other five looked at her, puzzled. She walked towards them.

"I saw a car that a friend of mine used to drive, it's nothing," Rachel said as she walked towards the counter and order coffee and a treat before looking at the friends who were now on to talking about something else. She didn't care, it felt good. She felt home.


	24. Chapter 24

**November 1994-January 1995**

Her first "date" post Barry was with a hot Italian guy she met in her building. Paolo was hot, passionate, fiery and could not speak all that much English. It was broken English but she didn't quite care. They never actually went out any official dates and she kinda liked it that way. She remembered her trip to Italy when she was twenty one. It had been after that incident with Helena Handbasket. She was enjoying just being with Paolo, being with someone where there were no strings attached. She knew there was no future with him but she didn't particularly care. She just wanted light, she wanted passion, she wanted to be taken. She had never been taken. Barry was boring and predictable, Chip was…Chip. She had never just had the joy of passion. Although, Ross seemed genuinely hostile towards Paolo and she didn't quite get it. He would purposely insult him and she was annoyed. So much so, she felt the need to confront him about it. He was sitting on the couch at Central Perk and she decided to take a break by plopping herself down next to him.

"So what is your deal, Geller?" Rachel asked, staring at him as he was drinking his coffee.

"I have no deal."

"There is a deal. Why do you hate Paolo?" Rachel asked.

"He's a moron. What do you even see in him. You have nothing in common."

"I like him."

"Why? What do you like about him?"

"He's passionate. Remember during the blackout when I said that I had never really had that? Chip cheated on me constantly and there was no passion but a lot of drama and Barry was nice and safe...even though he cheated on me too...but Paolo is just pure passion and I want that for right now. I just got out of a four year relationship and the relationship I had before...Chip and I were on and off for six years. I want a break. I wanna have fun. I don't want a serious relationship right now. I'm not ready. Can you get that?" Rachel asked.

"I guess."

"Didn't it take you a long time to get back into dating after your divorce?"

"It did. I just think you can do better."

"I know. Believe me, I know. I'm not planning on marrying him. Just wanna play with him."

"Alright, by the way….shouldn't you be working?"

Rachel glared at him as she got up and continued to spend her time serving coffee. She kept working until the others came by to continue hanging out and when her shift ended, she joined them.

She did find herself liking Paolo even though she did notice some disturbing signs. He was very flirty and she did secretly wonder if he was cheating on her but dismissed those thoughts. They weren't serious, that's why she felt she shouldn't worry but it did make her worry. If Paolo was cheating on her, it would make her 0 for 3 in terms of having faithful boyfriends which made her slightly sad.

Then there was Ross. She had always liked him, had a small crush on him but she never really thought of pursuing it. Ross was just Monica's brother and while he was nice, handsome, funny and very smart, she just thought of him as a friend. She didn't want to pursue that but then came his declaration of love.

It had been at the funeral of Ross and Monica's grandmother. He had fallen in a grave and was high on painkillers and told Rachel that he loved her more than the others. She played it off but it spooked her a little. Was it true or was it just the drugs? Her mind was whirling as she had to figure it out. A few days after the funeral, she met up with Ross at the museum where he worked to go out for lunch and discuss it but he immediately brushed it off.

"It was the drugs. I fell in a grave, Rach."

"That must have been terrifying."

"It was not fun."

"Ross….I like you a lot, I do...but….I can't….I just can't get into another relationship."

"What about Paolo?"

"I told you...it's different. Ross….I don't know."

"I know. Look, okay...I did like you when we were kids."

"I did too. I liked dancing with you at Monica's Bat Mitzvah."

"I liked that I made ten bucks," Ross grinned.

"I'm sure you did. I just...you know Monica and Chandler like each other," Rachel said, wanting to change the subject. Ross let out a snort and shook his head.

"Oh, I know."

"You know?"

"I know. Monica's twenty first birthday? Apparently, she told the guy that she was dating at the time that she loved Chandler."

"Nooooo," Rachel said.

"Yes and when Chandler and I and these two buddies of ours went on a cross country trip, Chandler mailed Monica a postcard from every city we were in."

"Awwww, that's so sweet."

"So, it's inevitable."

"So then…"

"Well, you know...neither one are that smart," Ross joked, which made Rachel laugh a little.

"I guess so."

"So...how have you been doing? This whole new life?"

"I'm okay. Getting there. It's strange. I haven't spoken to anyone from my old life. You know and it's odd...it's odd how quickly I was dropped. I'm excited for Thanksgiving though, my family is going to Vail. We used to go to the Lake House with Barry's family."

"That place is nice."

"It is...and I used to love Vail. A bunch of us would go every Christmas and New Years. I can't do that this year. We would spend the whole month in Vail, skiing and having so much fun. I almost burnt down Kiki's cabin once because I tried to make to toast."

"Seriously?"

"The toaster was defective."

"I'm sure."

"I'm gonna miss that that though. I mean, don't get me wrong….I would so much rather spend it with you guys but for the past five years, I pretty much spent an entire month in Vail celebrating the holidays in a cabin with fifteen other people. It was fun...it's the first year I really won't be able to, not that I'd be invited now but still….it makes me a little sad," Rachel said.

"Well, we will make it fun. We will all probably hang out and you know, if you want, you and I can make fun of Monica and Chandler and take bets on when they'll finally get together?"

"I love that. When are you thinking?" Rachel asked.

"Next five years."

"So you're betting on 1999?"

"Yeah, you?"

"I'm gonna go a year earlier. 1998."

"Okay…..hundred dollars."

"I'm a waitress," Rachel said.

"We're talking four or five years from now."

"Okay. Hundred dollars."

Rachel grinned as she and Ross shook hands and continued their lunch. There was something about him, something strange that she just couldn't quite put her finger on.

"Can I ask you something else?" Ross asked, staring at his food and then back at Rachel.

"Sure."

"I know you're not ready and-and-that's okay but when you're ready….if you want...would you wanna maybe go-go out sometimes?"

"On a date?"

"Maybe?"

"On a date with you?" Rachel asked.

"I would like to be there….you know...yeah…"

"Yeah. When I'm ready, I would like that," Rachel said after giving that some careful thought. Ross grinned at that and Rachel smiled back. She imagined that for a moment, going on a date with Ross? Seeing him in a different light, way different than being just Monica's brother. It wouldn't be so bad, would it?

She had wanted Vail so badly. While she was enjoying building this new life for herself, she was looking forward to snow and actually being with her family which was surprising but her parents were had actually calmed a little since she ran out on her wedding although they were a little peeved when she turned down their offer to pay for the trip. She had wanted to prove her independence and prove that she had made the right decision and what better way to prove that then to pay for her own ticket but unfortunately, her lack of waitressing ability worked against her in getting that ticket. So instead of paying for it herself, her new friends ended up pitching in and paying for it which was good enough. Her parents didn't need to know who exactly had paid for the ticket but alas Vail would never come to be thanks to Chandler and his stupid Underdog balloon. Sure, in the two months that she had been living in the city she had grown to really like him and his kindness, his sense of humor but standing outside her and Monica's locked apartment door with a Thanksgiving dinner burning on the other side, her irritation with him quickly returned especially since he would not stop making jokes. So many sarcastic jokes which made her want to smack him.

"You know, it's not really my balloon," Chandler mused as they tried to find the correct key to open up the door. Rachel groaned and turned on him.

"Okay, listen up loser," Rachel said, grabbing his shirt, "I should be on a plane right now getting ready to shoop, shoop down a mountain of ice and if it wasn't for your stupid balloon and-"

"It's really not my balloon. Underdog belongs to everyone," Chandler said, grinning.

"I am going to kill you," Rachel said.

"But then you'll never get to Vail, sweetheart," Chandler said which caused Rachel glared at him which caused Chandler to jump back a little. When they finally got into the apartment, it was filled with smoke and the Thanksgiving dinner Monica had prepared was ruined as was Rachel's trip to Vail. It would be her first time in years not going to Vail. She loved it, the bright blue cloudless skies, the white mountains and powder dusted trees. It was her and the wind, she was in control of that mountain and she was good at skiing. There were very few sports things that she could, with confidence, lay claim to. She would never really be considered an athlete of any kind but there were three things she knew she could do well. She could cheerlead, she could sail and she could ski and this year would be the first that she would not get the chance to do that.

Leave it to Chandler though to change the mood. The six were sitting around the table eating the grilled cheese sandwiches that Monica had bought for Chandler's Thanksgiving dinner and Chandler made a toast, a toast about how happy he was that everyone else's Thanksgiving dinner had sucked because he liked how it ended up. She found her opinion of him changing back. He was right, this was her new family. Her new life and while Vail would have been amazing, she knew she would have missed them. Her new family.

"You know…we can still ski," Ross said after Chandler's toast and they continued eating their sandwiches. Rachel shook her head and looked at him.

"Are we going to Vail?" Rachel asked.

"No, but there are places to ski in New York. Would you guys wanna go skiing tomorrow or this weekend? There are places in the Catskills and I mean, Vail isn't the only place to ski," Ross said.

Rachel looked at him as the others began to talk about the idea. It was such a sweet thing to suggest. He flashed her a smile as the group launched into a discussion about a day trip to go skiing. The Catskills Mountains were about three hours away. They would take two cabs and head there to hit the mountains and then get dinner and spend an entire day together. Rachel's heart melted a bit at Ross' idea. It was so sweet of him.

When they finally arrived, the group split off into pairs to hit the slopes. It wasn't as beautiful as Vail, not quite as clear, not quite as amazing but in a way even better. Rachel and Ross stood at the top of a mountain, ready to go down. Rachel could feel the adrenaline rush through her, ready to take on the Catskills and would go if wasn't for Ross, who kept falling down. Every single time he stood up, he fell down.

"Ross, have you ever skied before?" Rachel asked.

"Yes."

"When?"

"I had a dream once."

"Okay, Ross ….stand up."

"I can't."

"Come on," Rachel said, reaching for his hand. He grabbed it as she gently pulled him up. She tried to help him remain standing.

"I think I have it," Ross said.

"You sure?" Rachel asked, still not letting go of him.

"Yeah. I think so."

Rachel slowly let go of him but when he started to slip again, she grabbed him.

"Why did you suggest skiing if you've never done it?" Rachel asked.

"'Cause...you wanted to and you were looking forward to Vail so…."

"That's sweet….okay, let's do this although, if you want, we can hit the bunny slopes."

"No, no….it's fine. I don't….I don't want Chandler and Joey to make fun of me."

"Honey, they already make fun of you."

"I know."

"Alright, keep your balance and go slow. Okay?"

Ross nodded as Rachel proceeded to help him ski down the mountain. She laughed as he tried desperately to keep his balance and not fall over. It was a tad awkward considering he had about six inches on her but she did her best, making sure he did not fall down. That day ended up being spectacular. Much better than Vail and that night, after being tired from skiing, she took a moment and looked the five faces sitting with her.

"Guys," Rachel began as they were eating, all exhausted from their day on the slopes. They all looked at her as she took a deep breath, "I just want to say thank you….this has been an incredible day and even though it wasn't Vail, it was better and thank you for accepting me and taking me in." The group exchanged looks as Monica gently hugged her. It felt good, right. Better.

She rang in 1995 with this new family as well because Paolo ended up missing his flight. It almost didn't matter, even though that New Year's was literally painful. She had gotten into a physical altercation with some random New Yorker and got a fat lip. She had never quite done that before but still, she chalked it up to her new world. She was a fiesty New Yorker.

As 1995 began, Monica and Phoebe began competing for the affections of some guy in a coma and Rachel was sorting out her feelings for Paolo. It was all so fun, so wonderfully fun and passionate but there wasn't really a relationship and she began to question it. Was she really the type to just have passion and no relationship, she wasn't quite sure and then there was Nora Bing. She knew Chandler's mom was an erotic novelist and Rachel began to wonder if it was something she could do, write passion if maybe a relationship built strictly on passion was not for her.

She did attempt to write a passion filled story, one filled with sex and erotic stuff, maybe using the passion she had discovered in her relationship with Paolo but she soon got side tracked by the competition between Phoebe and Monica. She found it incredibly amusing that they were fighting for the affections of a man who was in a coma. She wanted to be sympathetic but instead she found it rather funny, especially when coma guy woke up and turned out to be a jerk.

"It's just so sad...I really thought he would be a good guy," Monica said as she and Rachel walked into Joey and Chandler's apartment. Monica had been relaying the story to Rachel when they decided to go across the hall to see what the boys were up to and found Ross and Chandler sitting on the couch.

"He was in a coma," Rachel said, grinning.

"You think you know someone and-"

"Okay, I'm gonna play that card again...he was in a coma," Rachel said as she and Monica grabbed some beers from the fridge and walked towards the couch and sat down.

"You're coma man didn't work out for you?" Chandler asked.

"No. Sorry, Chandler...I don't think you'll be getting your pajamas back," Monica said.

"That's okay. I don't need them. Wait, so...you won't date me, but you will date a man in a coma," Chandler mused.

"Well...I know he won't run away from his problems," Monica grinned.

"Ha, good one Mon," Rachel said. Monica had also recently been filling Rachel in on what had been going on in the years she and Monica had lost touch. Apparently, Chandler had vanished right before Ross' wedding to Carol and Monica had to go get him.

"Yeah, he will...it's called slipping into a coma and bite me, Green," Chandler said.

"I didn't say it, Monica did," Rachel said.

"Yeah, but I like her more than you," Chandler said.

"That is true. Should I move? I feel smothered by sexual tension coming from both of you," Rachel joked.

"Oh, I think you're wrong...I only feel sexually tense around you Rachel," Chandler said.

"This conversation is going in a weird direction," Monica said.

"Says the woman who just ended a relationship with a man whose only redeeming value was that he had brain waves," Chandler teased. Monica glared at him and leaned over Rachel to pinch him.

"Hey, Rach...what was the name of the caterer that your family used for your New Years Day parties?" Ross asked.

Rachel was confused by Ross' question. Where had that come? She wasn't sure what he was talking about. There had been so many caterers, so many New Year's parties. She remembered one though but for some reason, the name escaped her.

"I don't know. I remember she had really big boobs. My sisters and I used to ask our mom if we would grow up and have boobs like her...I think her name started with an A or a B...or a C...or a D...or an-" Rachel said.

"E?" Chandler asked.

"No, that's not it," Rachel said, shaking her head.

"Oh, I remember those New Years Day parties you used to have...you were so mean, Rach. Wait? And I was your number two best friend and Mindy was your number one best friend...Mindy who is now dating your ex-fiancee. Who's your number one best friend now, bitch?" Monica asked which made Rachel laugh. She turned to give Monica a big hug. She still did regret ever considering Mindy a friend.

"You, you my coma man loving best friend," Rachel said.

"Thank you," Monica said.

"I think Chandler was at one of those parties," Ross said.

"What?" Chandler said.

"I think...the friendship bracelet thing," Ross said. Rachel was still very confused.

"Oh, Chandler gave me one of those at camp. I still have it," Rachel said.

"You do?" Chandler asked.

"Yeah...I kept it. I have it in my room. Hold on," Rachel said, getting up and walking out of the apartment and into her bedroom across the hall. She pulled a box out from under her bed opened it. All the memories she wanted to keep were in there. She smiled as she looked at some of them. There was the newspaper clipping Brian had given her of Chandler's car accident, a picture of her and Brian from New York Fashion week, those friendship bracelets and she found the one she was looking for. She remembered him giving it to her and she had made him one.

"This is it and Chandler said that whenever I needed a friend to look at it and know I had one. I told him I'd think I'd think of Sean Cassidy. I kinda still do," Rachel said walking back into the room and plopping down on the couch.

"I made that," Monica said, suddenly grabbing it out of Rachel's hand and looking at it, squinting at it closely.

"What?" Rachel asked, a little confused. Was Chandler in her house? Did she know Chandler before camp?

"I used to make friendship bracelets all the time...and I would put my initial on the back of it...'cause I wanted people to know that I made the bracelets. See...'M'," Monica pointed and Rachel leaned in closely to look at it. Chandler held out his hand, confused and Monica handed him the bracelet so he could look at it.

"Oh my G-d," Chandler said.

"You were at my house?" Rachel said.

"I was like ten and it was a bad year...and...Sophie...she was also a caterer in addition to a nanny for me and-" Chandler asked.

"Oh, I remember her. She was an amazing cook. She had a son she brought with her one year. He was cute," Monica said.

Rachel's mouth dropped. She remembered Sophie. It upset her a little that she had forgotten about Sophie, she liked Sophie. She remembered her being so sweet and kind and making her pancakes after Olivia's had been robbed. She remembered that New Year's with the boy that Monica kept talking to and she got in trouble for putting dye in Jill's shampoo. Chandler was at her house?

"It wasn't her son. It was me," Chandler said. "It was your party, Rachel. It was my first party with other kids. I had taken LSD the night before."

"You did what?" Rachel asked, stunned. She looked at him. She did not know these stories. She knew Chandler's dad, Helena, but that was going to be something she would keep to herself for as long as she could. There was no way she would ever reveal what she did with Chandler's dad, especially after seeing his reaction after finding out that Ross had kissed Chandler's mom. There was no telling what his reaction would be if Chandler found out what she had done with his dad. But wait….LSD?

"My mom's boyfriend gave it to me and I was so scared and Monica kept asking me questions and...she gave me this and said if I ever needed a friend, I should look at it," Chandler said.

"Do you want it back?" Rachel asked.

"I-" Chandler said before looking at Monica, she smiled.

"You keep it Rach...now you can think of both of us," Monica said.

"I will...and Sean Cassidy," Rachel said.

"That party was fantastic...that whole year had sucked. I was sexually molested by one of my mom's boyfriend, the other gave me drugs and even later that night, I got in so much trouble for taking drugs...no had looked for me, when I took the LSD. I woke up under a tree in this crumpled up heap and Sophie took me to a party because she didn't want me watching movies all day. It was the first...wow," Chandler said as he fell silent.

"Chandler," Rachel said, her eyes filling with tears. She hated this, she could see the pain in his eyes….the fear. She wanted to take that away. She liked him now, Chandler was her friend and it hurt her that he had been treated like that.

"It's alright," Chandler said, shaking his head.

"You were felt up by one of your mom's boyfriends?" Rachel asked.

"Well, more than felt up," Chandler said.

"I'm sorry," Rachel said and for some reason, a memory flashed in her mind. She remembered a moment on the boat. Her uncle giving her a movie and her sneaking around the cabins of the boat and hearing an argument between her uncle and his girlfriend but she couldn't remember the girlfriend. It was an argument. She immediately put it out of her mind though, her uncle was nice. It was just an argument.

"It is what it is," Chandler said.

"You wanna watch a movie, man?" Ross asked, grinning at him. Chandler smiled and nodded as Ross got up and walked towards the giant stack of movies. Monica got up and walked to the seat Ross had just vacated. Rachel kept staring at him as Chandler turned to talk to Monica. How far back did her friendship with Chandler really go? They shared Sophie although she got the feeling that Chandler was far closer to her than Rachel ever was, nonetheless it was still strange.

"I told my mom everything tonight," Chandler said.

"Good. She needed to know. I'm proud of you," Monica said.

"Thanks," Chandler said.

While she listened to Monica and Chandler, she thought of that night in Vegas and what had happened with his dad. Her deep, dark secret, one of many….but it made her feel bad all over again. He really was broken and she immediately understood why Monica was reluctant to date him.

"Hey guys...what are we watching?" Joey asked as he walked into the apartment, Phoebe following closely behind.

"Not sure. Chandler?" Ross asked, looking at him.

"_Star Wars, Animal House, the Hot Dog Movie, When Harry Met Sally, Die Hard, Spaceballs, Weekend at Bernies_ and _Monty Python,_" Chandler said, matter of factly.

"Sounds good to me," Ross said as he grabbed Star Wars from the pile and got it ready.

"I'm ordering pizza," Joey said, reaching for the phone as Phoebe walked towards the couch and sat next to Rachel.

"_Hot Dog Movie_? Are you okay, Chandler?" Phoebe asked.

"Yeah, I am," Chandler said as they all settled in for a night of movie watching and pizza eating with both Rachel and Monica snuggled up on either side of him. Rachel's mind wandered though and she thought of Chandler again. She was still looking at that friendship bracelet and looking back at him as he and Monica were whispering to each other. Chandler eventually looked over at her as she just could not stop staring at him.

"We should have been better friends at camp," Chandler whispered to her which made her laugh.

"Yeah, we really should've," Rachel said as Chandler gently kissed the top of her head as she moved closer to him.

Her relationship with Paolo ended a few weeks later after he had made a pass at Phoebe. She wasn't sure how upset she was at the end of the relationship. It really was never much of a relationship but the idea that yet another guy had cheated on her. Chip. Barry. Paolo. Sure, Phoebe had stopped Paolo's advances before they went any further which she appreciated. Phoebe proved herself to be a pretty good friend but still, another guy cheating or straying. It was bugging her and starting to upset her. Was she the type of girl that guys felt they could cheat on? So as 1995 began, she made a pact to herself. She would remain single as long as she possibly could until she could at least figure out what it was that made guys want to cheat on her.


	25. Chapter 25

**March 1995-May 1995**

She had decided to try again. Years earlier, she had applied for a job at BCBG with help from Brian but that interview had flopped. She had completely bombed the interview, not knowing what to say or do but she decided maybe it was time to try again. She had officially been a waitress for six months. She was absorbing her big city life and now maybe she would try to step into fashion again and when she got an interview for an Assistant Buyer at Saks Fifth Avenue, she felt it was absolutely perfect for her and what made it even more perfect was that the Assistant Buyer position at Saks was Brian's old job. He had been the assistant buyer at Saks and she felt the fact that she had gotten an interview must have had something to do with fate or some unknown helping hand.

She desperately wanted that job but there was the interview. She remembered how terrified she had been the first time, how she had sweat so profusely, she had felt a puddle forming around her so the night before the interview, over a poker game with the others, they helped her prep the best they could.

"Okay, tell me about trends in fashion," Monica said, grabbing a potato chip from a bowl and dipping in some salsa before eating it.

"I can….okay...I um...flannel….there is a lot flannel. I see that and-and-yeah-flannel is awesome and-okay-the trends that I see in fashion... move towards more comfortable attire such as flannel and overalls and-and-high waisted jeans and everything goes in circles and-"

"And if you answer like that, you're golden," Chandler joked. Rachel glared at him as she grabbed a napkin and threw it at him.

"What did you do for your BCBG interview? How did you prepare for that?" Ross asked.

"Brian helped...a little. He-I don't know-he got me the interview and-and-I just-I hate interviews," Rachel whined.

"How did you get the job at Central Perk?" Monica asked.

"I wore a low cut top and a waitress quit as I was interviewing," Rachel said.

"Well, let's just hope you're that lucky," Chandler said.

"Rachel, calm down….look, they're just as interested in you as you are in them," Joey said.

"Yeah. and you have more experience now. You're a waitress," Phoebe said.

"I hope so...oh, I want it and it was Brian's old job. This has to mean something...I mean, Pheebs, you're into all that universe and sign crap, doesn't me interviewing for Brian's old job mean something?"

"Kind of….it is strange," Phoebe said.

"Or it could mean, if you take it, you'll die," Joey mused looking at his cards. Rachel, as well as the rest of the group, stared at him with disgusted looks on their faces. Joey looked up, "what?"

"Too soon, Joe. It will always be too soon," Rachel said. "Oh and he took me to New York Fashion Week. I remember that….and he took me to the after parties. What if I get the job and I can take myself to New York Fashion Week and go to the after parties. Those after parties were amazing."

"I used to go to those," Joey said. "They were like in lofts and crap."

"How? How did you get in?" Rachel asked.

"I'm an actor and I used to hook up with a bunch of models that walked those shows," Joey said.

"Hmmmm…..if I get this is a job….maybe this is a sign. It's my turn, right? I hope."

Rachel let out a sigh, she desperately wanted this. She wanted to step back into fashion and it just seemed to be the perfect fit, the universe was stepping in. That was what she wanted more than anything. She would walk in the way she had before, with confidence. She did have a little more experience.

The next day, she walked into Saks and waited. The woman she interviewed with was tall and blonde, her name was Jessica Robbins and she greeted Rachel with a big smile. The interview was actually surprisingly easy. She didn't feel nervous, more like she was talking to an old friend, They discussed clothes, life and Rachel felt comfortable enough to let Jessica know she knew someone who had once worked there.

"You knew Brian?" Jessica asked.

"Hey….he was one of my best friends and I know he used to be an assistant buyer here and…"

"He was so good. Such a shame. Oh, you know what...his boyfriend still works here. You want to meet him?" Jessica asked.

"I'd love to," Rachel said as she and Jessica got up and walked out of Jessica's office towards a cubicle at the back of the office. She noticed a young man sitting in front of a computer. He was handsome with brown hair, black glasses and a thin frame.

"Dan?" Jessica asked.

"Yeah?" Dan responded turning to look at Rachel and Jessica.

"This is Rachel Green, she's applying for the Assistant Buyer position. She was friends with Brian," Jessica said.

"Oh my G-d, the Rachel Green?" Dan got up and immediately hugged Rachel.

"Yes. Did he mention me?" Rachel asked.

"He loved you. You dated his brother?" Dan asked.

"Yeah, we broke up though...and I'm so glad to meet you," Rachel said.

"You were the one who found him, right? Dan asked.

"Yeah," Rachel said.

"I'm sorry," Dan said, hugging her again.

"That's okay and I'm sorry too," Rachel said.

"She has to work here," Dan said. Jessica just grinned and after finishing her conversation with Dan, Jessica continued to introduce Rachel around the office and she left that interview feeling confident, she felt there was no reason she wouldn't get the job. All the stars were aligned in her favor, everything lining up perfectly.

Which is why it made no sense when a few days later, during poker with the rest of the group, she got a call saying she did not get the job. She didn't get it. It was Brian's old job. The interview had gone well, how did she not get it. Maybe she had read the signs wrong. It made no sense. Maybe the message was she wasn't supposed to be working in fashion? She wasn't sure what it meant but maybe she did need to give up.

After the poker and some more hanging out, Rachel retreated to her room still heartbroken over not getting that job. She pulled out out her box of mementos as well as one of her sketchpads and began looking at them when there was a knock. She looked up to see Monica standing in the doorway with the box of Twinkies.

"Twinkie talk?" Rachel asked as Monica walked towards the bed and handed her a Twinkie. Monica grabbed one for herself and picked up one of the sketchpads.

"What is this?" Monica asked.

"Oh," Rachel said, grabbing the sketchpad,"I never told you this….did I? I used to...draw clothes….it's silly."

"Can I see?" Monica asked.

"It's dumb."

"Can I see it anyway?" Monica asked. Rachel handed it to her and Monica began to look through the pages, stopping on the outfits.

"Ugly, right?"

"No...no...Rachel, I like these. A lot."

"Mon."

"Would I lie to you?"

"No, you wouldn't," Rachel said, getting off her bed and walking towards her closet and grabbing a big, black canvas bag. She opened it and began looking through it. She kept all of her old sketchpads in it. The ones she had done when she was younger. She grabbed one and walked back to the bed where she sat down and began to look through the pages until she found what she was looking for.

"Is that me?" Monica asked, looking at the drawing Rachel had done years ago of Monica in the Bat Mitzvah dress she would have wanted to see Monica in.

"Yeah….I…I loved what you wore to your Bat Mitzvah but I sketched a dress that I thought you should have worn."

"I would have loved this."

"Doesn't really matter anyway. I'll be a waitress."

"Rachel, you have to pursue this."

"Why?" Rachel asked. "I did. That interview? Mon...I could have done that and well and...and all the signs were there. It was Brian's old job I was interviewing for."

"You will get there. Do not give up."

"I wanted it so bad."

"I know. Look, you've only been in the city for six months. You're still new to all of this and I am so proud of you. Brian would be proud of you and I love these sketches. I'm not letting you give up on yourself. You're working so hard."

"Yeah," Rachel said letting out a sigh as she picked up a stack of pictures from her box of memories. She began to look through them, they were pictures from New York Fashion Week. She stopped at one from the after party they had gone to and stared at it. As she looked at it closely, she noticed something or more importantly, someone in the background. That afterparty, cute actor guy had hit on her….a cute actor guy who now looked strangely familiar. "Oh my G-d."

"What?"

"Look at this picture," Rachel said, handing the photo to Monica.

"Cute. You and Brian and-"

"Look in the background," Rachel said, pointing. Monica looked and suddenly, her mouth dropped. Rachel grabbed the picture back and immediately raced into the guys apartment where Chandler and Joey were sitting on the couch watching a VHS tape of Baywatch together. Rachel walked towards Joey and dropped the picture on his lap. Joey picked it up.

"What?" Joey asked.

"Look in the background. Do you see someone who looks familiar?" Rachel asked. Joey looked at it and then stared at Rachel.

"We were at the same party?"

"Oh my G-d….you hit on me at that party."

"I did. You were there-"

"With Brian."

"I had just gotten back from Los Angeles."

"Oh my G-d….that's….oh, we knew each other," Rachel said.

"So...how you doin'?" Joey asked.

"Really?" Rachel asked, shaking her head as she grabbed the photo back. She stared at it, still smiling. That night had been such an incredible night. She loved the shows, watching the fashion.

"What are you thinking about?" Monica asked.

"How much fun that night was. I loved sitting there and watching the shows and going to the after party where Joey hit on me," Rachel said.

"So maybe you shouldn't give up," Monica said.

"You're giving up?" Joey asked.

"I don't know," Rachel said.

"Well, that's dumb," Chandler mused.

"Thank you," Rachel said.

"What? Don't give up. That's dumb. You didn't get one job….there will be others," Chandler said.

"You're paying your dues," Monica said, putting her arm around Rachel to comfort her.

"I'm paying my dues," Joey said.

"No, dude...I'm paying your dues," Chandler said which made Rachel laugh as she looked back at the picture. She wanted a fashion show, she wanted to see her clothes on the runway. It had always been her dream, her secret dream. She had told Brian that, she had wanted to be surrounded by fashion and it pained her that she did not get that job. She thought she would have gotten it but maybe Monica was right, she had a few more dues to pay.

And she continued to pay them, day after day, serving coffee and dreaming. She would look at the customers she served and in her head, she would correct their outfits. Her days were spent walking around, talking to others and imagining herself doing anything else. She was thrilled when the rest of the group would come by to keep her company. It was always the highlight of her day but the one she didn't expect was Mindy. It was now early April when Mindy stopped by, eager to talk to her so Rachel decided to take a break. The two sat on the orange couch and Mindy seemed quite nervous until she spit it out that she wanted Rachel to be her Maid of Honor. Mindy was now engaged…..to Barry.

"What?" Rachel asked, not quite sure she was hearing her correctly.

"Can you be my Maid of Honor?"

"Okay, do you hear what you're asking me?"

"Yes."

"You know what you're asking?"

"Yes."

"You want me to be your Maid of Honor at the wedding between you and my ex-fiancee?"

"I was your Maid of Honor?"

"Totally different."

"Rachel."

"Why me? Why not Sharon or Nancy? They've known you as long as I have….longer, right? Didn't you guys go to nursery school together?"

"Yeah but...okay, after you left...after that lunch? Our group imploded," Mindy said.

"What?"

"Nancy starting dating some old guy and she doesn't talk to us and Melissa no longer speaks to us and Sharon moved to Texas with some guy and...I have no one and I know it's strange and…"

"You're marrying my ex-fiancee. Barry and I broke up seven months ago."

"I know...hey, it's not like you were faithful either. I mean, Vegas," Mindy said.

Rachel's eyes widened as she looked towards the door and back at Mindy, "we do not mention that here and that's not the point….I was wasted and it was clearly a one night stand. You and Barry started a relationship while I was still with him."

"Rachel, please."

"Our group imploded?"

"Yeah," Mindy said.

Rachel let that sink in and a smile appeared on her face. She didn't mean to smile, it just appeared. Mindy took notice.

"That makes you happy?" Mindy asked.

"No….well...it proves my point. Our group...we sucked as friends."

"Maybe...just-"

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"I'll be your Maid of Honor."

"Oh, thank you," Mindy said as she leaned into hug Rachel. As they separated, Rachel looked at her, concerned.

"Does Barry know you're asking me this?"

"Yeah….he thinks it's crazy."

"I have to agree."

"Just….there's no one left."

Rachel nodded as she and Mindy hugged again. She would have to talk to Barry. She wanted to get his take and let him know what had happened. She had a lot to tell him.

After her shift, she took a cab to Long Island to go to Barry's office and was happy when he took a break to talk to her. She walked into his office and the two stared awkwardly at each other, after all they had not seen each other in seven months.

"You're engaged," Rachel said.

"I am."

"Congrats. I'm Mindy's Maid of Honor."

"It's strange."

"Wow...you definitely moved on quickly."

"Rach."

"No, no...it's okay….guess I'm easy to get over."

"No, you're not."

"That's sweet. You know, I applied for a job at Sacks as an Assistant Buyer. Brian's old job."

"They never filled it?"

"No, they did….that person left but um...I didn't get it."

"I'm sorry."

"I guess I'm still paying my dues...but good job on getting married."

"Rachel….I miss you."

"Barry."

"I do. I miss you. I mean, Mindy is great but she's not you."

Rachel let out a sigh as she walked towards Barry. She gave him a hug and he hugged back. She missed him too. She missed how safe it was with him, nothing was safe now. Her new world was filled with new moments, new fears, new adventures. Barry had been her comfort zone, her way back. No matter what she tried, she had a net, she had Barry to catch her. Maybe it was the sadness she still felt from not getting that job, maybe it was the sadness that knowing the door on her relationship with Barry was officially closed but before she knew it, they were kissing. It felt so familiar to kiss Barry, so sweet and lovely but then she remembered. He was engaged to her best friend. He had moved on and so had she and she was now being the other woman. She had to stop the kissing. She gasped and stepped back.

"No, no, Barry….this isn't good."

"What? I made out with Mindy when I was with you."

"Hmmm, yeah….no….I can't. I'm sorry. I'll still be at your wedding but I can't...I'll see you around, Barry," Rachel said as she walked out of the office. She started to feel bad for Mindy. She wondered if Mindy knew what kind of person Barry was but she figured maybe she did, after all Mindy had been the other woman in her relationship with Barry.

When she returned to Central Perk, she noticed Chandler sitting on the couch reading so she plopped down next to him. He looked at her as she stared at him.

"What?"

"I am Mindy's Maid of Honor."

"That's weird," Chandler said.

"I know. Barry and I kissed in office."

"That's weird too. Why did you do that?"

"Do you think I made a mistake? Walking out of my wedding, leaving….I mean, I've been here for seven months and I...I'm still waitressing."

"You're starting over. Look, were you happy in that old life?"

"No...but it was safe."

"But this is fun."

"Yeah."

"You'll make it."

"You think so?"

"I know so."

"Thanks and no, I know I did the right thing...I just-"

"You just wanted that job," Chandler said.

"I did and Barry is moving on….quickly. I just…"

"It will happen."

Rachel smiled as Chandler gently squeezed her knee to comfort her. She let out a sigh as she stared off into space. She just wanted things to move forward. She wanted things to change for her, she just wanted to no longer be a waitress.

She would be turning twenty five that May and she felt rather sad. She felt stuck. She had thought she would be farther along but she wasn't. She had not gotten that job and hadn't applied to anything else yet, Barry was getting married and she was starting to doubt herself. Had she made the right decision?

Big changes were also happening got the rest of the group. That May, Ross' son was born. He was a father. Carol had given birth to Ben. Rachel had tried to flirt with the doctor who had helped Carol give birth but that didn't go anywhere and she began to get restless again. A few days after Ben's birth, she and Ross met up for lunch by the museum in what had become a tradition for the two. Mexican food and margaritas. Ross kept talking about Ben and she wanted to listen, but her mind kept wandering. As they walked off their Mexican food, she was barely paying attention.

"You alright, Rach?"

"Yeah….just sad. I'm gonna be twenty five in a few weeks and I feel like I've accomplished nothing."

"Seriously?"

"You're a dad. Barry's getting married. I didn't get a job that I so wanted and...I mean, I gave everything up and I'm getting no reward."

"You will. You've made so many changes…you've….you're a different person."

"Hmmm….oh," Rachel said, stopping in front of a store front. She looked at a brooch in a store window. It reminded her of a pin her grandmother had that she had loved. She remembered her grandmother being her biggest fan, encouraging her, pushing her. She didn't see her grandmother a lot but when she did, it warmed every part of her and that pin in the window reminded her of her grandmother, of the encouragement and love. She mentioned it to Ross who just seemed to be listening to her. She let out a sigh though, it wasn't like she could afford to buy it for herself anyway.

By the time her twenty fifth birthday arrived, Rachel was sufficiently depressed even though Monica did try to cheer her up. She had decided to do a barbeque for Rachel's birthday. She invited the others although Ross had to go to China for work so it would just be herself, Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Joey. It was a smaller birthday than she'd been used to as well. When she was twenty, she had spent it flying to Paris. Her twenty first was spent in Vegas and her twenty second birthday was spent in Spain. She had been proposed to on her twenty third birthday. Her twenty fourth birthday had been relatively low key with just dinner with family and friends and now her twenty fifth was spent eating burgers in her apartment. It felt sad to her, she wanted a change. She wanted big things for her twenty fifth year.

Thanks to Chandler, she might get that chance. She was opening gifts when Chandler let it slip. She had always known Ross' feelings or at least a little. She never knew how deep they ran until she opened Ross' gift and her breath was taken away by his gift to her. He had bought her that pin and then came Chandler's comment about how Ross had once gotten a ridiculously expensive crystal duck for Carol because he loved Carol so deeply. Rachel kept staring at the pin. Ross really did have feelings for her that ran so deep. She did like him, she always liked him but staring at that pin, she began to wonder if she could like him more than just in that friend way. Maybe for her twenty fifth birthday she could give herself a gift, looking at Ross a little differently. It could be a change, a new adventure…..a risk but maybe it was a risk worth taking?


	26. Chapter 26

**May 1995-October 1995**

She had wanted to date Ross. She had gone over and over the decision in her head. It would actually be kinda nice and he had always been so sweet to her, always so kind. To her knowledge, he had never told Chandler or Monica about how she had slashed Chandler's tires that Thanksgiving. He also apparently never told Monica that she had gone to the hospital that day when Mon had landed there after fainting. She remembered dancing with him at Monica's Bat Mitzvah and talking with him after Olivia's was robbed, he had seen right through her. He had known she was faking her bitchiness. It would be nice to date him, to be with him, to kiss him. Maybe?

Those ideas were quickly dashed when Ross got back from China. When he got back, he came back with a woman named, Julie. Julie lived in New York as well and Ross and Julie were immediately joined at the hip. Rachel decided that almost immediately she hated Julie and the only person she could confide in about this hatred was Chandler. She had never thought in a million years, she would connect with Chandler the way she had. It wasn't a romantic relationship by any means, it was almost like the friendship she had with Brian. Brother-slash-sister, confidantes….buddies. They would meet for lunch by his office or go get mani/pedis and talk. Today's chat was over sushi and the topic was how much hatred she had for Julie.

"It's just….we should put peanut butter on her car," Rachel said.

"I'm kinda over peanut butter….besides, I don't hate her."

"You're a horrible person," Rachel said.

"Look, Rach…."

"Okay, you're the one who told me he had a crush on me."

"Not on purpose. Besides, how did you not know?"

"Because I don't walk around wondering if people have crushes on me. You don't have one on me, do you?"

"Gross, no."

"Lovely. I hate Julie...she's just dumb and it's stupid that people like her. What if we cut her hair?"

"No."

"Next time she comes to Central Perk, sneeze muffin."

"You could try to get to know her."

"Why?"

"You know, you're acting like Ross. Your obsession is brand new."

"How do you know?"

"Because I know."

"And look….you know, you hate anyone Monica dates," Rachel said.

"That's different."

"How?"

"'Cause that's about me. Where is this crush coming from, though? Did you have it before?"

"I've always thought he was cute and he….he was nice to me. He was the first one who told me I was lying about my favorite movie and I like how he protects me. I like…"

"He had a picture of you on his wall in college….in your cheerleading outfit. I thought it was ridiculous."

"Wait….he did?"

"I made fun of it," Chandler mused.

"I'm sure you did….you probably only said kind things, right?"

"I said that you could almost detect that hint of a penis," Chandler grinned, Rachel glared at him. She knew parts of the story now. She knew Chandler was there because of that stupid hermaphrodite rumor.

"I am not a hermaphrodite."

"I need proof," Chandler said when Rachel suddenly kicked him. He just laughed. She did have to admit that she enjoyed this new stage in their friendship. She liked that they could still tease each other but the teasing was far more playful and lighthearted.

"He really did though….he really had a picture of me on his wall?"

"Yeah. Didn't you see it when you crashed in our room during that college party?"

"No, I stumbled into your room just to make fun of you and piss you off."

"Hmmm, yeah that makes sense….he does like you."

Rachel smiled at that. She did like him. She liked Ross a lot. He was always so incredibly sweet to her and she always found that wonderful. He thought she was perfect, even when she faltered. Even when she did things that weren't so perfect, he still saw her as this amazing person and she liked that. He would never cheat on her. Barry had, Chip had and Paolo had made a pass at Phoebe and if Phoebe had been a different kind of friend, who knows what would have happened? She could imagine dating him, if it weren't for Julie.

Julie and Ross seemed to be getting closer and closer and when Monica and Julie became friends, it pissed her off more. Monica kept trying to get Rachel to see that Julie could be nice but it wasn't working. She was mad that Monica hung out with her, angrier when they went shopping together. It drove her nuts and as summer turned to fall, her hatred of Julie increased.

She did try to ignore her feelings. She tried to move on. There was Mr. Heckles dying which did cause some distraction. Mr. Heckles had left his entire apartment to Rachel and Monica for reasons neither Rachel nor Monica understood. It was kinda fun looking through his stuff. Stuff that maybe that maybe she could add to the apartment. There was a seashell lamp that she adored. It was so ridiculously tacky that she just decided that it needed to be hers and considering the fact that Mr. Heckles had left them everything, it could be if not for Monica….

Rachel had now been living with Monica for a year. A year and a month, to be exact. She was quite proud of this. Sure, she had a job she hated and was stuck in this crazy crush on Ross but she had lived on her own for an entire year. She made her own money, she had done it. At the beginning, she was nervous about everything and too nervous to really make the place her's as well, but now she could and she would….starting with the seashell lamp. She got it and placed it in their apartment but when Monica broke it, it angered her more than she had thought. She wondered if Monica really thought that Rachel was still a guest or if Monica thought she would run. She wasn't sure what it was, but she really was upset with Monica for breaking her lamp.

"You did it on purpose. Admit it, please," Rachel said as she, Phoebe and Monica walked back into Mr. Heckle's apartment to clean up more of his stuff.

"It was an accident. You really have to let this go," Monica said.

"I will not. You broke my seashell lamp...you're a lamp murderer. That's what you are," Rachel said.

"Chandler?" Phoebe asked, noticing Chandler sitting there looking like he hadn't slept all night. Rachel knew the death of Mr. Heckle's was hitting him hard, which she thought was a little strange.

Chandler looked up as the three of them. "Well...Rachel, you were right, I probably will die alone before I'm thirty," Chandler said.

"When did I say that?" Rachel asked, a little confused.

"During the last Thanksgiving I saw you at...in 1988," Chandler said.

"Well, I was a horrible person back then," Rachel said, finding this whole conversation a little bizarre. Why was this making him upset?

"You were right," Chandler said.

"Chandler," Monica said.

The three girls walked over to the couch and sat next to him. Monica gently ran her fingers through his hair. Rachel and Phoebe stood on either side of him, comforting him as well.

"You are not gonna die alone by the time you're thirty...I was obviously wrong. Thirty one, maybe," Rachel grinned, trying to make him laugh.

"Timing, Rach. Remember...I told you, it's about timing," Chandler said.

"Listen to me, you are not going to die alone," Monica said.

"You're not. You're one of the good ones," Phoebe said.

Chandler let out a sigh and got up, "I gotta go. I'm gonna go get dressed and go buy my first snake." Monica let out an annoyed sigh as she got up and followed him out of the apartment. Phoebe and Rachel exchanged confused looks as they sat down on the couch.

"A snake?" Rachel asked.

"Sure...when you can't find a girlfriend, get a snake," Phoebe grinned which made Rachel laugh.

"He's gonna marry Monica, though."

"I know that and you know that but for some reason, Monica and Chandler don't know that."

"Lame."

"Seriously."

"Hey, Pheebs, when you moved in with Monica….did you decorate?"

"Um...I was homeless when I moved in with Monica. What would I have decorated her place with?"

"I don't know….a cardboard box?"

"I didn't sleep in a cardboard box. I was sleeping on a bus bench," Phoebe retorted. Rachel smiled, she loved playing with Phoebe. Just as how her friendship with Chandler had now turned into gentle teasing, so had her friendship with Phoebe.

"Oh, sorry."

"It's okay….but I do get what you're asking. It's Monica's place and she's anal. It did take awhile but she did let me add plants and eventually, I got to make my room...mine."

"I'm not leaving and she needs to loosen up," Rachel said, annoyed.

"Can I tell you something?"

"What?" Rachel asked.

"You cannot tell Monica. Well, Monica knows but she thinks it was an accident. During one Thanksgiving, when I was still living with Monica, Chandler and I spent the holiday together while Monica, Kip, Carol and Ross were home in Long Island….you know, Chandler and I spent a lot of time together those first five months I lived here, it was fun."

"Really?"

"Yeah, we were each other's partner-in-crime. We went out clubbing every night, spent holidays together, everything-"

"Did you two date?"

"No, no...Monica thinks we did but….Chandler likes Monica. I'd be his second choice, I'm not dating him but oh G-d, did we have fun and we ripped you to shreds."

"Knowing what I know now, doesn't surprise me."

"But yeah, that Thanksgiving, I was so mad at her that I purposely dropped an entire plate of spaghetti on her couch. The stain is still there but both Chandler and I told her and still tell her that it was an accident."

"Nooooo," Rachel said.

"Yes."

"That's awesome."

"I know but look, just give it some time."

"It's been a year."

"Then talk to her."

Rachel let out a sigh as she and Phoebe reached towards some books on the table and began to look through them when suddenly, Monica stormed back into the apartment, pissed. Rachel and Phoebe looked at her, confused.

"What happened to Chandler?" Rachel asked.

"I don't know and I don't care. I am never going to marry him. I know you two are convinced we are going to live happily ever after but it is not going to happen. He is immature, he is self absorbed, his baggage is unbelievable and-he is not-"

"You're fixing him," Phoebe said.

"Why do I have to be the one to fix him and he doesn't want to be fixed. He is not going to be my husband."

"Maybe he needs to grow up?" Phoebe asked.

"He does and okay, oh, he likes me so much and he's freaking out so much that he calls Janice. Janice? She is annoying and obnoxious and...I don't get it. I don't want to try and figure it out."

"Then don't marry him," Rachel said. It was the intense moments between Monica and Chandler that always made her think of herself and Ross. If they ever got together, would it be that crazy?

"Yeah, we just say it 'cause you two always make such a good team but you can marry someone else," Phoebe said.

"Or you can buy me a new seashell lamp," Rachel said.

"Let it go," Monica said as she walked towards the them and started to look through a pile of junk on the coffee table and started to place some stuff in some trash bags. Monica still looked pissed but Rachel was still bothered by that lamp.

"Monica, can I say something," Rachel said, looking back at Phoebe. Phoebe began to get up but Rachel motioned for her to stay.

"I don't want to talk about the lamp," Monica said.

"I know but….you know, it's been a year since I moved in and...I'm not leaving and I've proved it, I think….and I just...I know you say breaking the lamp was an accident but...are you sure there isn't a deeper reason. I wanna know why...do you…"

Monica looked over at Rachel and let out a sigh as she plopped down next to her, smiling as she squeezed Rachel's hand.

"I know you're not leaving….especially now that you like Ross...but I know. I am sorry about the lamp," Monica said.

"You have to unclench," Phoebe said.

"Exactly," Rachel said, "we love you, you know that but yeah, what Pheebs said."

Monica let out a snort as she got up and walked out of the room. Phoebe and Rachel exchanged another look. Was Monica now pissed off at her? That wasn't she wanted. Monica soon returned holding another thing Rachel had loved from the apartment, a naked lady clock that when you pressed a button, the naked lady swiveled around. It was even tackier than the seashell lamp.

"Here you go...for our apartment," Monica said.

"Really?" Rachel asked, looking at the clock.

"Oh my G-d, you're making progress," Phoebe joked.

"Yeah...and Rach, I'm so happy you're living with me and I am so proud of you and I look at you and Phoebe and I think….damn, I do good work," Monica said. Rachel and Phoebe both laughed as the three girls hugged each other, tightly. They really were more like sisters than friends.

"Now, if only I can figure out how to fix Chandler," Monica said.

"Oh, honey...you can't do that on your own," Rachel said.

"Yeah, I think that's gonna take all five of us," Phoebe said.

"I'm gonna kill him," Monica said.

"I know," Rachel said as the three continued hugging before getting back to cleaning the apartment. Soon, Ross and Joey helped them but as she cleaned, her mind still kept centering around Ross. Every single time she saw him, she could not stop thinking about him.

When Ross wanted to invite the group over for dinner, Rachel almost did not want to go but she couldn't get out of it. Ross was expecting the group there so they could get to know Julie better. Phoebe ended up not being able to go, something about meeting up with a guy named, Duncan, who used to be her husband. That whole story was very bizarre but then when Ross asked her for advice on how to have sex with Julie, everything was even more bizarre and she felt very alone in her views. Phoebe was concentrating on Duncan. Chandler was strangely excited about Joey's porn and Monica liked Julie and seemed very uninterested in Rachel's complaining.

"I just don't wanna go. Why do we have to go?" Rachel asked.

"Because we have to and I like Julie, she is nice."

"Maybe we should go with Phoebe and support her. I could see an ice show," Rachel said.

"You'll go, you'll have fun. Come on….we get to see Joey's porn. Chandler and I found it and-"

"You two went to buy porn together?"

"Yes. Come on, it'll be fun. You will have a good time."

Rachel wasn't so sure about that. She reluctantly got dressed and went with Joey, Chandler and Monica to go have dinner with Ross and Julie. It really hurt her to watch them be close, to watch as Ross touched Julie and seemed so happy with her. It was like someone punching her in the gut. She wasn't really sure when this switch happened, was it just when she found out Ross liked her? How could that change her world completely? Maybe she was lonely, maybe she needed to get out more or maybe she needed to make the dinner last as long as she possibly could, which she did. She tried, asking Julie question after question, making her talk about everything but it was when she asked Julie what was in a cobb salad...well, that seemed to be the final straw, causing everyone to get up and leave. Rachel let out a groan, knowing she was leaving Ross to be intimate with Julie. As she left to follow Joey, Monica and Chandler out, Ross caught her in the hall. As the two stood by themselves in the hallway, Rachel felt nervous under his gaze. She felt he could see right through her.

"Hey, Rach...you okay?" Ross asked, looking rather concerned.

"Yeah, what do you mean?"

"You've been acting weird lately."

"I'm fine. You gonna have fun with Julie?"

"Yeah. I like her, Rachel. I really do. I mean, I've spent so long being miserable and after Carol, I never thought I'd be happy like that again."

"I'm happy for you. No, I'm fine...I'm just lonely. It's been awhile since I've had a boyfriend. It's actually the longest I've ever been single," Rachel said.

"I'm sure that spell will end soon."

"How do you know?"

"'Cause it's you. Who wouldn't want wanna date you?"

Rachel could feel her heart skip a beat. He was just so sweet to her, always. "Chandler."

"Well, yeah...but he wants to date Monica."

"Very true. Well, I'll let you get back to Julie."

"Yeah and hey, I forgot to say happy anniversary."

"Happy anniversary?"

"You've survived an entire year on your own. You're still happily living with Monica-"

"She let me buy pillows for the couch," Rachel grinned.

"That's huge."

"I know and she even said she liked them."

"Whoa and you're working."

"I am."

"Congrats."

"Thanks," Rachel smiled as the two shared a hug. Rachel watched as Ross disappeared into his apartment. She let out a sigh as she left the building. She wished she could sort out her feelings. As she walked outside, she saw Monica and Chandler holding onto each other and it made her ache. Even if they couldn't see it yet, they looked so perfect together. She smiled as Chandler tightened his grip on Monica and gently kissed her head. Monica, in turn, tightened her grip on Chandler's waist. They fit well and she wanted that, wanted someone to fit with and there was part of her that wondered if it was Ross.

"Thanks for ditching me, guys," Rachel said as she approached them. "And Joey...you suck."

She had tried hard to convince Ross not to have sex with Julie but that changed quickly after a conversation with Joey who just told him not to be a wutz and just go bang his girlfriend.

"Let them have sex," Joey said.

"For the love of G-d, change the subject," Monica said.

"But-" Rachel tried.

"Rachel, we had been there for like six hours. We love you but….that is excessive," Chandler said as Rachel groaned.

Her annoyance was quickly dashed when they got back to their apartment. Chandler and Joey kept making fun of her, asking her questions about salads and Rachel was complaining about Ross but everything came to a halt when Monica opened their door and Phoebe was sitting on their couch in tears.

"Phoebe?" Monica asked.

"He divorced me," Phoebe said as she started crying, "and where the hell have you guys been?"

"Oh my G-d," Monica said as she walked in the apartment, Chandler, Joey and Rachel following. Monica sat on the couch and quickly pulled Phoebe into a tight hug. Rachel sat on the other side of Phoebe and gently stroked Phoebe's back. Rachel had learned bits and pieces of the Duncan and Phoebe saga. Duncan had come by the apartment a few days earlier looking for Phoebe. Apparently, Phoebe and Duncan had a long history that went way back before Phoebe was living with Monica. Duncan was Phoebe's gay Canadian ice dancer husband.

"Oh, Phoebe," Rachel said.

"See, had you let us leave and not interrogated Julie, we could've been helping Pheebs," Joey said, looking at Rachel.

"Shut up," Rachel said, really not wanting to hear anything from Joey.

"He dumped me...he's not gay. He's getting married. To a woman and that's why he needed a divorce...he was supposed to...he promised he wouldn't leave. Shit...why do people keep leaving me?" Phoebe asked.

"We're not leaving," Monica said.

"We're not going anywhere," Rachel said, her heart breaking for Phoebe.

"Men leave me...my dad, step dad...Lowell from the streets, I haven't seen him in years. David left for Minsk, Duncan divorced me...they always leave," Phoebe said.

"I'm not going anywhere...although, Joey and I may have to go down to that ice show and kick some ice dancer ass," Chandler said.

"Oh, we could take him...we should go now," Joey said.

"No, he's probably not there now. It's almost midnight," Phoebe said.

"Rachel, see what you did," Joey said.

"Go home," Rachel said, restraining her desire to smack Joey.

"G-d, I'm such an idiot," Phoebe said.

"No, you aren't," Monica said.

"Oh please...Mon, you can say 'I told you so,'" Phoebe said.

"I'm not going to," Monica said.

"You know, our wedding was fantastic. It was in Vegas. Chandler, your dad had on stunning black gown when he married us-" Phoebe said.

"Of course he did," Chandler said.

The mention of Chandler's dad made Rachel's stomach flip. Helena had officiated Phoebe and Duncan's wedding? Rachel would never mention that she knew Helena. Especially now, she would never mention it. That secret would remain with her forever.

"Then he got us into his show and he sang Madonna songs. So pretty and fun...we kissed, Duncan and I. Oh, G-d...that whole year. We went to Prague. I cleaned the costumes of the ice dancers...although he did abandon me in Prague. My twentieth birthday, he should have been with me. None of what happened would have happened had he been with me. Maybe that was a sign," Phoebe said.

"What happened?" Monica asked.

"Oh, I can't tell...there might be a statue of limitations on stealing clothes from boutiques in Long Island," Phoebe said, looking over at Rachel and then back at Monica, "but there's no statue of limitations on what I did."

"What did you do?" Monica asked.

"I killed someone...in Prague," Phoebe whispered and looked at Monica, Rachel, Joey and Chandler who were all staring at her, stunned. "Duncan was the only one that knew that and if you guys tell-"

"We won't...'cause then you'd leave us...and that would be horrible," Monica said.

"No Pheebs...if you left, I couldn't go on," Rachel said. She was stunned by what she was hearing and it made her feel wracked with guilt. She thought about all the horrible things she had ever said about Phoebe and she had been living this life.

"I know I couldn't," Chandler said.

"Me neither," Joey said.

"Thanks, guys. But okay, in Prague, I um...it was my twentieth birthday and I had been partying a lot alone...Duncan's not a partier and there was a guy, Tomas. Big guy...scary guy, I was kind of hooking up with him, but it wasn't serious. At least, I didn't think so...I had been dancing with some random people that night and he got angry and took me back to his apartment where he tied me up and spent twenty four hour hours raping me and beating me."

"Oh my G-d," Rachel said.

"He eventually passed out and I somehow freed myself and stabbed him. Because his drug and alcohol levels were so high, his death was ruled accidental. After that night, Duncan never left my side," Phoebe said.

Strangely, a memory entered Rachel's mind. She remembered Amsterdam and dancing in a club with a guy who said his brother had been murdered by a tall blonde girl in Prague but the death was ruled accidental. It was very strange that she would think of that. That guy though was the one who had introduced her and Barry to that prostitute in the Red Light District. Rachel shook her head and looked back at Phoebe, it was a weird thing to think about now.

"Wait...why did he let you go out to clubs alone in a foreign country?" Joey asked.

"I can take care of myself," Phoebe said.

"No...no, if I'm with a girl in a foreign country...I don't let her go clubbing alone. That's not okay, Pheebs. Even I wouldn't do that and I do a lot of things," Joey said.

"Yeah, it's really not okay," Chandler said. "Come on, when you first moved in and we would go out clubbing...just the two of us and we were here in New York, would I leave your side?"

Monica and Rachel looked at each other and back at the two boys. Rachel loved how protective the two boys were, very sweet. Even Joey….

"No," Phoebe said, smiling. "I know he wasn't perfect but G-d, I loved him and I felt safe. Being with him on tour and in Prague, it was the first time I got my own room. That first night, I took a shower and watched television. I was paid and my job was relatively easy. I was able to save up for a little bit of school. He was my first true love. Technically, I lost my virginity when I was raped by a pimp, but I don't think of it that way. I consider Duncan my first."

"Phoebe, how many times have you been raped?" Rachel asked, although she was not sure she wanted to actually know the answer.

"Twice...over and over again, by Tomas in Prague and the pimp guy...although I had to work for the pimp guy to pay off the damage I had done to his car after I tried to steal it and crashed it...so more than that, I just blocked out those encounters," Phoebe said.

"Wow...honey, that's...wow..." Rachel said and in that moment, she wished she could go back to her younger herself, back to the first time Phoebe had wandered into the store. What if she had hung up the phone? What if she had offered Phoebe clothes or a meal….or a home?

"I've almost lost my life a few times as well...but Duncan was there and...I thought he would always be there. Is it okay if I spend the night?" Phoebe asked.

"Of course," Monica said.

"You wanna sleep in your old room?" Rachel asked.

"No, it's okay," Phoebe said.

"You sure?" Rachel asked.

"Yeah," Phoebe said.

"How did you get through all this, Pheebs? How did you survive?" Rachel asked.

"I had to," Phoebe said.

"G-d, you're amazing," Rachel said, truthfully.

"Thank you," Phoebe said as Rachel gave her a hug.

"I'll be right back," Chandler said, getting up.

"You going to kick ice dancer ass?" Joey asked.

"No. I'll be back," Chandler said as he walked out of the apartment.

"You know, I'm getting a second wind here. I'm gonna make the five of us some slow death smoothies," Monica said getting up.

"Maybe you can make Rachel a cobb salad," Joey grinned.

"Bite me," Rachel said as Monica got up to go make some slow death smoothies. Rachel continued to comfort Phoebe.

"What happened tonight? You must have had fun at Ross'. You were there a long time," Phoebe said.

"It was fun...until Rachel decided she needed to ask Julie questions in order to prolong Ross having sex," Joey said.

"Did it work?" Phoebe asked.

"No. I tried...but no. You know, Mon, I'll help...I think we need to speed up the death process of the slow death smoothies," Rachel said as she got up and walked towards Monica in the kitchen. She grabbed the bottle of rum from the counter and opened it, taking a large swig of booze which made Monica laugh and shake her head.

Chandler soon walked back into the apartment carrying a VHS tape. Rachel watched as he walked towards the couch.

"We're not watching my porn again," Joey said, rolling his eyes.

"I wanna watch your porn," Phoebe said, looking at Joey.

"This is better," Chandler said, handing Phoebe the VHS tape.

"Hot Dog: The Movie," Phoebe said.

"I was going to give it to you for Christmas, but I thought you could use it now," Chandler said. Monica smiled as Phoebe stood up to hug him. All this extreme emotion in one night was making Rachel thirsty for more booze.

"You are so not helping," Monica said.

"It's been quite a night," Rachel said.

"It will be okay….and you know this thing with Julie won't last."

"How do you know and now this? Now I feel even shittier about what I said about…." Rachel said, darting her eyes towards Phoebe who was in deep conversation with Joey and Chandler on the couch and not paying much attention to Rachel and Monica.

"Me too….but how would we have known? You know? We didn't know."

"Yeah...remember when you told me that life sucks and I'm gonna love it?" Rachel asked.

"Yeah."

"When does the loving it start?" Rachel asked.

"When you die?" Monica asked, grinning.

"How did she survive? How did...I wanna be that strong."

"Me too," Monica said as she finished making the drinks and walked with Rachel back to the couch to get settled. Rachel sat in the big chair and watched as Joey and Phoebe, as well as Chandler and Monica cuddled up together. She smiled a little as Chandler gently kissed Monica on the head. He also kept trying to make Phoebe laugh which was very much appreciated.

"Hey, Rach, come here," Chandler said, reaching towards her. She smiled as she leaned forward and grabbed his hand as he pulled her to a spot on the couch between him and Joey. Chandler leaned in and kissed her on the head as well.

"This movie sucks," Rachel grumbled.

"Don't worry, we'll watch Spaceballs after," Chandler whispered back.

Rachel smiled as she kept drinking until she passed out on the couch between Joey and Chandler. She felt very safe between the two of them but at the same time, slightly sad. She wanted someone. She wanted Ross.

About a week later, there were more changes in store. Monica lost her job which made Rachel a little nervous as she was now the sole bread-winner in their home and she was a waitress making very little. That terrified her and she wondered if this meant she would have to pick up extra shifts which sounded awful, picking up extra shifts at a job she already hated. As she walked out of her room to do one of those shifts, she noticed Chandler and Monica cuddled up together, this time watching When Harry Met Sally.

"You two are ridiculous," Rachel said, shaking her head.

"I'm not in the mood," Monica said and Rachel decided not to tease. It just didn't feel right to tease now.

"Rach, don't worry about your rent for next month. Contribute what you can and I'll take care of the rest," Chandler said.

"Chandler-" Monica said.

"Hey, let me," Chandler said.

Rachel was taken aback by that. That seemed so kind. She really had no clue how she was going to pay rent on her waitress' salary. It seemed pretty impossible.

"You're a good guy, Chandler. Remember that," Rachel said, "thank you."

She walked towards him and reached out her hand towards his. He grabbed it and squeezed it as she walked out of the apartment and down to work where she saw Ross sitting on the couch, drinking coffee.

"Hey, you need anything else?" Rachel asked as she approached him.

"I'm alright. Thanks. How are things?"

"Well, Chandler and Monica are snuggled up on the couch watching When Harry Met Sally. They really are ridiculous."

"I know."

"He offered to pay a little of our rent. He really is a good guy, isn't he?"

"I've been telling you that for years."

"Yeah, I know...Ross, do you think I'll ever have that?"

"Have what?"

"What Monica and Chandler have? I mean, I know they don't admit it now but G-d, when they figure it out...to have someone that loves you that much and makes you so much better than you could ever imagine yourself being and-"

"You will. You deserve it. In fact, it would probably be better than Mondler."

"Really?"

"Yeah. It'll be…"

"Roschel?" Rachel asked.

"What?"

"Never mind. I gotta get back to work," Rachel said, walking off.

"It would be Rass," Ross said.

"What?" Rachel asked, looking at him.

"You'd always come first."

"Stop," Rachel said, her heart dropping. "You have Julie."

"Yeah. Julie."

Rachel smiled as she walked towards the counter and grabbed a pad as she continued working or at least pretending to. She needed to stop this. It was important. She needed to move on. She needed to maybe become a better waitress….okay, maybe not that….but her obsession with Ross, that needed to stop.


	27. Chapter 27

**November 1995**

She could blame Monica….or wine. Monica or wine. It was a toss up. Monica was the one responsible for setting her up on this date with a guy whose name didn't quite matter or she could blame wine. Wine was bad. Wine made her do things. Wine convinced her that she needed closure. Ross and Julie were getting a cat. A stupid cat. Cats were stupid. No, that wasn't right. Cats were not stupid. She couldn't blame cats. Phoebe would get mad at her for blaming cats. Ross and Julie getting a cat was stupid. Why were they getting a cat? Why were things so wrong? The guy whose name didn't matter helped her get in a cab and she took it home. Chandler was sitting on the front steps of the building, polishing off a giant box of doughnuts while wearing a coat, mittens, hat and scarf. Rachel stumbled out of the cab and looked at him.

"What the fuck are you doing, fatty?" Rachel mumbled as the cab driver was yelling at her. Chandler laughed as he got up to help her to the steps and then walked to the cab driver to pay him before returning to sit next to her.

"Bad date?" Chandler asked as he handed her a doughnut which she took. He took one out of the box for himself.

"Fuck you."

"Drunk?"

"Fuck you. What are you doing out here anyway?"

"I'm eating doughnuts and I don't want Mon to see me," Chandler said. Recently, Monica had decided to take on the role of Chandler's personal trainer.

"I'm gonna throw up."

"What happened?"

"I got closure," Rachel yelled.

"Closure?"

"I called Ross and told him I was over him and I got closure. Imma a strong, innie-pen-nen-nent woman who need no man….'cause I got closure and Ross can go got a cat with that Jew-ey. I gotta closure."

"Oh, tomorrow is gonna be fun," Chandler said, taking a bite of his doughnut.

"Shut up."

"Yes, ma'am."

"I hate you….you know, I just do. I hate you. You...it's just you and I hate you. You have a stupid jacket and you just are stupid….and stop laughing at me, stupid," Rachel whined as Chandler was cracking up. That angered her. There were very few times where she longed for the days when he would insult her as badly as she insulted him but in that moment, she really did want him to fight back. It seemed though that he no longer took her insults as serious.

"I'm not laughing at you. Man, you are so drunk."

"And you're an idiot and you know what? Okay, imma gonna go find a crystal duck and imma gonna shove it up your ass….stop laughing at me," Rachel whined as she pushed him. He had to stop laughing.

"Wait, you called Ross."

"Weren't you listening?"

"Alright, we are getting you drunk food," Chandler said as he closed the box of doughnuts, "feels very strange being on the sober side. Come on."

"I don't want drunk food," Rachel whined.

"Come on," Chandler said, standing up. He reached towards her hand and Rachel fell back onto the steps.

"No, get away from me. Go sleep with Monica."

"Naaaaw, not tonight. She'd probably make me do like a hundred sit ups first," Chandler said as he pulled her up and wrapped his around her as he hailed a cab and led her towards it.

Soon, they were at a Mexican restaurant and Chandler ordered nachos, burritos, tacos and enchiladas. Rachel had wanted a margarita but Chandler quickly nixed that idea which upset her but she was fine eating the food.

"Alright, you called Ross?"

"Chandler, what is wrong with me? It's Ross? I mean….he's Monica's geeky older brother. I mean, okay….Mon's Bat Mitzvah, I was bet twenty bucks to dance with Ross and I got twenty bucks but then Ross made me give him half and...and….ohhhh….you know, he was there when I had dumped Mon as my friend and he always told me to be nice to you and-is he-I like that he sees me as perfect. You don't. Mon doesn't. Pheebs doesn't and he has seen me at my worst. He caught me…."

"Caught you doing what?"

"Well...I came to the hospital when Monica fainted. He saw me and then I ran away from him but he was still nice and he saw me when I slashed your tires."

"What?" Chandler asked. Rachel bit her bottom lip. Her mind was still fuzzy but she knew she had revealed something she shouldn't have.

"Nothing."

"When did you slash my tires?"

"Please don't be mad at me. That Thanksgiving when you lost your toe….I was still angry and the Friday night, a bunch of my friends and I went to the Geller's and your car was still there and we slashed your tires, poured booze on it and threw bottles of pills in it. Ross caught us. He got your car fixed before you could find out and never told you or Mon….to protect me."

"Oh."

"I'm sorry….although if it makes you feel any better, I paid Ross back. It was twenty six hundred dollars."

"Makes me feel a little better. It's okay, Rach."

"Really?"

"Doesn't matter now anyway. I don't have the car but it was nice of Ross."

"It's always nice of Ross. He's always saying nice things, doing nice things but it's still Ross. You know what, I don't hate you….I hate the Gellers."

"I'm not really fond of Monica right now."

"It's like they have a hold on you and you can't get rid of them. It's like they're with you forever."

"Do you wanna get rid of them?"

"No. Never," Rachel said, taking a nacho from a plate.

"They don't let go of people they care about. Believe me."

"He never thought I was really a bitch. That's what I liked. My old friends all thought I was a mean girl. You and Pheebs thought I was the devil, probably-"

"Yeah, we did."

"Monica and her friends thought I was mean. Monica knew I wasn't really mean but I was horrible to her and...but Ross was the only who would call me out on it. He knows me. It's scary. I trust him. He wouldn't hurt me. He won't let me hit the ground and he let me come back….he believed in me when no one else did."

"I see that."

"Now, he's with Julie and I'm sad. I've been single for ten months. Longest I've ever been single. I've always had boyfriends but they've never been good. I just...it would be fun to be with Ross."

"It'll be okay, Rachel."

"I hope so. I don't hate you."

"I know."

"Remember when I was drunk at your college party and we kissed?"

"Yes, I do….you passed out. It was sexy."

"You never told Monica, right?"

"No and you would know by now if I had."

"You won't tell her?" Rachel asked.

"No….we will keep that from both Monica and Ross. There's no reason for either one of them to know."

"Right, thanks," Rachel said.

Rachel kept eating but was still drunk by the time they got home and Chandler helped her crash in her room where she fell asleep only to wake up the next morning with a splitting headache. She tried to recall all that had occurred although it did soon come rushing back. When Ross checked his messages from her phone. The closure, the stupid closure.

"Rach, you left me a message," Ross said and Rachel remembered. Horrified, she tried to stop him, jumping on his back, hoping to keep him from hearing the message but it was too late. He kept staring at her, stunned.

"Oh, no, no….noooooo," Rachel groaned.

"You're over me? When were you under me?"

"No, no...Ross….I...it's wine, it was wine's fault."

"You have feelings for me?" Ross asked.

"You had feelings for me first," Rachel said.

"How did you know?"

"Chandler told me."

"Chandler. Damn him."

"Ross."

"No, I have to go. I-I have to-I have a cat….with Julie. We're getting a cat."

"I know. But we should...talk."

"I...I can't...no...not now."

"Ross."

"Cat."

Ross look flustered as he walked towards the door and kept looking back at her. She let out a loud groan, wanting to say more but he left, walked out and she felt herself verging on tears. There were few moments in the last few years when she wished she had one of her old friends with her, but she wished she did now. She wanted someone to talk to that wasn't part of the group. She needed someone to talk to, anyone. She looked at the door. Chandler was home. She walked across the hall and opened the door. Chandler was sitting on his couch, eating pizza.

"I'm not doing anything bad," Chandler said, dropping the pizza into the box and closing it quickly.

"He got the message," Rachel said as she started to cry. "He got the message and he went to get a cat."

"Oh, Rach," Chandler said as he got up and walked towards her, hugging her tightly.

"I don't want him to have a cat."

"I know."

"I hope it gets run over by a bus."

"We all do."

"I hate the Gellers."

"No, you don't."

"No, I don't."

She kept crying as Chandler held her. She sniffled as she stepped back and wiped the tears away from her face.

"You wanna watch Spaceballs?"

Rachel nodded as Chandler grabbed her hand and led her to the couch. She sat down as Chandler got the movie ready.

"I wish Brian was here. I wish I had a friend to talk to that wasn't one of you guys. It's gonna get so complicated."

"Not if we don't let it. Look, you can tell me stuff. I'm not gonna tell Ross or Monica or Phoebe," Chandler said.

"Or Joey?"

"I gotta tell Joey."

"You two are weird."

"Rach, I got your back….even if you slashed my tires."

"What?"

"You told me that last night."

"How much did I drink last night?" Rachel asked.

"I was impressed. Not too often that I'm the sober one."

"Hmmm….he chose Julie. He chose Julie over me."

"No, he didn't."

"He's going to get a cat with her."

"Let him process it. It took you time to process it. He's used to loving you without you loving him in return, let him get used to it."

Rachel nodded as they continued to watch the movie. She kept thinking about Ross...about Julie….about how all of this would change things. She knew their group of six would never be the same now and that frightened her a little. She had started to get comfortable but now….now it was different.

After resting most of the day, Rachel headed downstairs to work. She was closing up that night, wiping down the tables and trying to be as cheerful as she could although like most nights her heart was not in her work. She kept daydreaming, imagining herself somewhere else. She kept thinking of Brian, imagining the advice he would give her although he would probably laugh at her.

"We didn't get a cat."

Rachel jumped at the sound of Ross' voice behind her. The coffee shop was dark now, empty and closed but Ross walked in as she was wiping down the counters.

"That's interesting," Rachel said.

"No, it's not. It's uninteresting. It's the exact opposite of interesting. You had no right to say that you have feelings for me," Ross said.

"Excuse me?" Rachel asked, a little put off by that statement.

"You had no right. I am happy now….with Julie."

"Okay….fine and what do you mean I had no right? You have had a crush on me for how long? You should have told me."

"There was never a moment."

"Bullshit Ross, we have had nothing but moments. I've known you for nineteen years. You had nineteen years to tell me."

"I didn't like you when I was seven. I liked you when I was in ninth grade. It's been less than nineteen years."

"Do you have a point?" Rachel asked.

"My point is that I am with Julie and that is it."

"So your feelings for me have just vanished? Or are you just going to ignore them?"

"I've gotten real good at ignoring them."

"You know what, this isn't my fault Ross. So stop yelling at me. I like you. I do and I hate Julie. I hate seeing you with her. I hate watching you kiss her and I hate-"

"So now you know how I felt. How I felt throughout high school listening to you complain about that dumbass, Chip or when you chose Barry over your friendship with me and Monica….or Paolo. What the hell did you see in him?"

"That is none of your business and you have no right to comment on any guy I've dated and you know what, yeah, maybe Chip and Barry and Paolo weren't the greatest guys for me but at least they did something. They didn't just act like cowards and pine from afar like some sort of pathetic loser. Grow a pair, Ross."

"I'm gonna go."

"Fine, go."

"I will," Ross said as he stormed out of Central Perk, leaving Rachel in the dark. She walked towards the couch and sat, crying into her hands. She took a deep breath. This was too hard, too much. She got up and jumped when she saw Ross staring at her from the other side of the glass door. She walked towards the door and opened it, her heart pounding when Ross suddenly kissed her. She felt her entire breath being taken away as the kiss deepened. It was the single best kiss she had ever experienced. When they parted, she felt light headed as they stared at each other, holding each other in their gaze.

"Wow," Rachel whispered.

"I've wanted to do that since ninth grade."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I….I'm sorry I yelled."

"No, I'm sorry too. I should have made my move earlier."

"Yeah, you should've," Rachel grinned as he kissed her again. It felt so wonderful to be there in his arms. She wanted to be there forever. He held her in his arms and she felt safe as she always did. She always felt safe with him. "Thank you." she whispered.

"For what?"

"You've always stuck with me. You didn't sell me out. When I had dumped Mon as my friend, you still decided you were mine. You see right through me and it terrifies me but also excites me. Thank you for sticking with me. I guess Chandler was right, the Gellers don't give up on the ones they care about."

"I would never give up on you. I knew you would find your way back to us."

"How?"

"'Cause I just did."

Rachel kissed him as he refused to let go of her, but it was just fine with her. She did not want him to let go of her. Although, it did occur to her that they would have to tell the group. They would have to tell them about what happened but in that moment nothing else mattered, only her and Ross.

Of course, things did matter. As the high of that moment wore off, the realization set in. Rachel had been the other woman. For as amazing as that moment was, Ross was still with Julie. Ross had just cheated on Julie with Rachel and that kiss was suddenly replaced by a sickening feeling. Barry had cheated, Chip had cheated, she knew how that felt. She knew the pain of that, of realizing that the guy she had given her heart to had hooked up with someone else and she felt horrible. She needed to talk to someone about this and this time, she turned to Phoebe. After Phoebe had sung that bizarre song at the coffee house that was clearly about the love triangle between Ross, Julie and Rachel, she couldn't stop thinking about it. She was in a love triangle and she was the other woman. Rachel finally had a moment to talk to Phoebe privately when she was taking a break and Phoebe had finished her set.

"I'm the other woman," Rachel said, approaching Phoebe and sitting next to her.

"Huh?" Phoebe asked.

"Ross cheated on Julie….with me. I-I don't-I can't be that girl. I've been in Julie's position. It sucks."

"Yeah, but he's supposed to be with you."

"Poor girl is gonna get crushed."

"I thought you hated her."

"I do but I don't want her to get hurt….what if he does that to me."

"Does what? Cheat on you?"

"He just did. He cheated on Julie. What if he cheats on me?"

"He will never cheat on you. The guy is crazy about you."

"I guess. But….I don't know….if we're starting our relationship with him already in one with someone else...it's so dramatic."

"Rach, it will be okay. He likes you. He's not going to cheat on you and Julie will find someone else."

Rachel nodded as she let out a sigh, "okay...yeah, by the way...nice song."

"It was subtle. I changed the names."

"Yeah...I had no idea who you were talking about."

"Do not criticize my songs….okay, I'll open my next set with Smelly Cat."

"Hmmm, I do love that one. Okay, open with that and I'll forgive you," Rachel grinned as she got up to continue working. She kept thinking, kept wondering about Ross. What would happen? They clearly could not date now.

Then came the list. Chandler had a new computer and apparently Ross had decided to make a pro/con list comparing her and Julie. When Rachel saw it, her heart broke. There were reasons why Ross wouldn't want to go out with her. She was spoiled, too into her looks, a waitress….ditzy. The reasons killed her. These were negative things Ross thought about her and she hated that. She always thought he had considered her perfect but now had a list of reasons to not go out with her. She felt awful and it dawned on her that once again, she had no one outside the group to talk to. Instead she closed the door to her room and sat alone with a box of Twinkies when Monica appeared in her doorway.

"You're eating them without me?"

"I can't talk to you about this, Mon."

Monica walked over to Rachel and lay on the bed next to her. She held out her hand and Rachel handed her a Twinkie.

"Yeah, you can."

"Please."

"Who else do you have?"

"Phoebe."

"She's not here. Talk to me," Monica said.

"I'm still the old Rachel? I'm still spoiled and ditzy and...now it's worse, I'm just a waitress and he doesn't want to date me and the cons for Julie? That Julie was not Rachem."

"What?"

"On Julie's list of cons….she's not Rachem."

"Do you think he meant that Julie is not...Rachel?"

"See, you're on his side."

"No, but...what the hell is Rachem?" Monica asked.

"I don't know, I'm a ditzy, spoiled waitress who is too into her looks."

"Yeah, but that's what I love about you."

"Gee, thanks."

"I have a feeling he meant that Julie is not you and that's why he chose you and I am willing to bet it was a typo and Rachem is Rachel."

Rachel let that sink in. It did make sense, but still…

"He still wrote a list. He still had reasons to not go out with me."

"I know."

"That hurts and-and Joey and Chandler were there and...and I've worked so hard to change, to become better but-"

"You're less spoiled than you once were and so you care about how you look, who cares? Rach, you are amazing and if my brother is too stupid to see that then you don't deserve him."

"Thanks."

Rachel and Monica hugged as they still remained sitting side by side. It had seemed too good to be true. Maybe she wasn't supposed to be with Ross, but if she wasn't supposed to be with Ross, then who was she supposed to be with? That thought depressed her as well….she wanted someone, someone to hold her, someone to kiss her the way Ross had and she knew that the person she wanted was Ross and she hated that. She hated that she wanted him and maybe she would find someway to turn that around.


	28. Chapter 28

January 1996-March 1996

She was trying to comprehend what she was hearing. She had never thought that at twenty five she would ever have to hear that her parents were divorcing. Ross' ex-wife was getting married and Rachel's mother decided then to tell her that she and Rachel's dad would be divorcing and once again, Rachel turned to the only one in the group who might actually understand, Chandler. Ross was too busy getting all worked up over Carol's wedding and Monica was catering it and Phoebe was acting strange and Joey was thinking of ways that he could hook up with a lesbian at the wedding...so Chandler was her only hope.

"It's just….this whole thing sucks," Rachel groaned over Mexican food and margaritas.

"And she's doing it to be like you, that's awesome."

"I need other friends," Rachel said, glaring at him, "this sucks Chandler. How did you deal with it?"

"I got drunk."

"You were nine."

"Yeah. I drank a lot and passed out."

Rachel looked at him and raised an eyebrow. She knew about Helena, she had her secret about Helena, the one she would never tell Chandler but sitting there, across from him, she wanted to know more.

"Tell me about your dad."

"What about him?"

"I mean...you've told me how they broke the news and everything but...I don't know, have you ever seen him?"

"No. Not often. I did visit him the summer before I met you for the first time. I was actually supposed to go to that camp that summer and got in trouble and ended up staying with my dad in Los Angeles and performed in one of his shows...I wanted to go to Disneyland, not perform in a drag show. I've talked to him on and off on the phone. I talked to him when I got the Corvette."

"You were sixteen?"

"Yeah."

"Chandler, have you not talked to your dad in ten years?"

"No, I talked to him when I crashed the Corvette. I wanted a new one. I really try not to talk to him. He embarrassed me a lot. He never said goodbye."

"What?"

"The day after Thanksgiving, I was hung over and I saw him leave….and he never said goodbye. He just looked at me and left. It's always stuck with me. Never said goodbye."

"I'm sorry."

"Hmmm, it's...it is what it is."

"My parents would always argue….especially about me. I pulled pranks too, you know. My dad would get furious at me and yell and everything and-and my mom would get mad at my dad for always punishing me and they would start yelling at each other in front of me and I would want them to stop. I mean, I know it's a joke now and it's funny that Pheebs robbed Olivia's but you guys have no clue how much trouble I got in. It was really bad," Rachel said.

"Really?" Chandler asked.

"Yeah. It was rough. Lot of yelling. My parents were furious. My aunt was furious, she fired me. It was by far in the top ten worst days of my life."

"It was that bad?"

"So bad that I actually screamed, 'fuck you' to my father-"

"Oh, oh, that's not good."

"No, it wasn't. He got so mad and the next morning, I was still really upset and Sophie made me chocolate chip pancakes."

"She was good for that."

"I love that we both had her."

"Do the Gellers know how bad it was for you?" Chandler asked.

"A little. Mon probably knows more than Ross. I got so mad at Monica 'cause she went to the dance that I wanted to go to but I couldn't 'cause I was grounded but Ross called me and my mom allowed me to go over to the Gellers to watch movies with Ross and spend the night and hang out with Monica. Ross was the first person who ever called me out on my favorite movie."

"You know, it will be okay. Maybe they'll be happier."

Rachel shrugged as she grabbed a nacho from her plate. It would be strange now, her parents being divorced and it was strange that her mom was wanting to be like her.

She tried to discuss it with her sisters over lunch a few days later. Amy was twenty eight now and dating a guy. Some guy, a new guy, Rachel still wasn't quite sure of the name and Jill was twenty two and was living in a condo that their parents bought for her. She really felt so different than her sisters now. They really didn't work and their days were spent shopping and wandering around Long Island.

"What are we going to do? I mean, our parents are divorcing," Rachel said.

"I know, you got them to divorce," Amy said.

"I didn't get them to divorce," Rachel said.

"Yeah, you did. Mom was like, 'oh, Rachel was so brave and she's doing it all on her own' and it's like whatever," Jill said.

"Well, Barry wasn't great anyway. He was totally hooking up with her bestie and you know Rachel was hooking up with Barry's brother," Amy said.

"I know that," Jill said.

"Are we still on that? Okay, I will say this one more time and I really want to stop saying it. I have never slept with Barry's brother. I did not hook up with him. I did not sleep with him. I was never intimate with him because of the simple fact that we both like men. It's really getting on my nerves that people are so convinced that I'm far sluttier than I actually am."

"You liked him," Amy said.

"He was my best friend and I found his body. I just wanna forget that part. You see the dead body of your best friend lying on the floor of his apartment….it changes you," Rachel said.

"Is that why you ran out on Barry?" Jill asked.

"There are many reasons and besides it's kinda fun to make your own money," Rachel said.

"It's funner to have daddy's credit cards," Jill said.

"I know, come on, Rach….don't you miss living the way you used to?" Amy asked.

Rachel thought about that for a moment before answering, parts she missed but others not so much.

"Well, it was nice not having to worry about money but….I didn't have friends," Rachel said.

"What are you talking about?" Amy asked.

"Yeah, you had lots of friends," Jill said.

"Not real friends, not like the ones I have now. Maybe my group isn't as big as it once was but it's so much more real. We're nice to each other and there for each other. There's a connection between the six of us that's just unreal….I can't even explain it. It's this unbelievable chemistry. Monica and Phoebe are like sisters and Joey and Chandler are like brothers and then there's Ross."

"Geek Geller," Jill grinned.

"He's not a geek. He's sweet….although, he wrote a list of why he can't date me but other than that…."

"I just still can't believe our parents are divorcing. I better get a car out of this," Jill said and Amy seemed to agree. This exchange made Rachel sad. She really felt so different than Jill and Amy now. She wished she could show them how fun life could be trying to make it on their own but they seemed to be in their own world, a world that she had shunned.

After lunch with her sisters, she went to her dad's office maybe to talk to him. Every since she had run out on the wedding, things had been weird between her and her dad. He was mad for a long time but now things had cooled down and she was happy that he saw her immediately. She sat across from him, uncomfortable and not quite sure what to say to him.

"So mom's leaving you?" Rachel asked, although not quite sure that was the best opening.

"Yeah, it's ridiculous. She's not going to make it on her own and she keeps saying she wants to do what you did which is stupid."

"Wait? You think what I did was stupid?" Rachel asked.

"No...well, at first, yeah….but actually, I kinda respect it," Leonard said.

"Really?"

"Yeah. How are things in the city?"

"Good. I mean, Monica is a great roommate. My job sucks. I hate it."

"That's life."

"Yeah….but I'm glad I'm doing it. I might go into fashion at some point….just need to practice my interview skills."

"I'm sure you have fine interview skills."

"No, no...they suck. Badly. It's really sad but dad...I'm sorry, I just...I wish you and mom would stay together. I wish…"

"Hey, I'll be fine and your mom won't be broke. I'll be paying her for the rest of my life."

Rachel gave a small grin as she listened to her dad talk about her mom and the more she listened, the more removed she felt. This truly was no longer her life, no longer her world or her home. She no longer felt like she was part of it. She didn't feel like she connected to her parents or her sisters but she wondered if she ever really had? She had spent so much time trying to fit into that world but it just wasn't her's and never was.

When she got home from spending the day with her family, Monica and Phoebe were laying on the couch drinking wine and eating from a plate of cookies that Monica had baked. Rachel quickly poured herself a glass of wine and grabbed a cookie, sitting with them.

"So how was it?" Monica asked.

"Strange. I guess I'm glad I never married Barry. That would have been my life and I feel so removed from that," Rachel said.

"I don't think you ever really were that. I think you wanted to be that," Monica said.

"Why would you wanna be that?" Phoebe asked.

"I would never have had to worry about money. I mean, it was fun. I led a fun life. I traveled the world. Amsterdam, Paris, Spain, Italy. I went everywhere….I traveled. Holidays in Vail, birthdays in Vegas, Spring Breaks in Cabo...I'm not gonna lie, it was a pretty awesome life that I gave up."

"But you weren't happy. So how awesome was it?" Phoebe asked.

"Very true," Rachel said.

"Wouldn't it have been more fun with us?" Monica asked.

"Without question, of course...although, Mon, no offense if I ever do go back to Amsterdam, I'm only taking Phoebe," Rachel grinned.

"Oh, like hell you are," Phoebe said as Rachel leaned over to give her a high five.

"What?" Monica asked, looking shocked.

"You wouldn't do well in Amsterdam," Phoebe said.

"You two don't think I can let loose, do you?" Monica asked.

"Mon, I've known you since you were six," Rachel said.

"And you lied to me about how crazy your twenty first birthday was," Phoebe said.

"I did get drunk on my twenty first birthday….in fact, oh, wait...no, I cannot tell you two what actually happened," Monica said.

"You lied and said you danced topless," Phoebe said.

"What?" Rachel asked, stunned.

"No, I did not do that but I did get so drunk that I told Jason, the guy I was dating at the time, that I loved Chandler," Monica grinned.

"Nooooo," Rachel said.

"Oh G-d," Phoebe said.

"So now can I go to Amsterdam with you two?" Monica asked.

"No," both Rachel and Phoebe said together which made Monica laugh. Rachel leaned over and hugged her as the three continued drinking.

"I did love the traveling and the life I led. It was fun and if I had married Barry, I'd still be traveling but my parents and I look at them….my mom did make the life choice to marry a doctor and have kids and... I don't know….it's hard to imagine that I'm going to be a child of divorce and it's because of me," Rachel said.

"You could be flattered. They're obviously proud on some level. I mean, you're the only one of the Green girls who has a job, who is living on her own and is making her own way. Pretty impressive," Monica said.

"I'm impressed," Phoebe said.

"Really, Pheebs?" Rachel asked.

"Oh, of course. I'm sure you had an amazing life before all this and I'm sure that it was hard to give up and the fact that you did, pretty brave," Phoebe said.

"That means a lot coming from you," Rachel said.

"And I still think I could let loose with the two of you. I know how to have a good time," Monica said, giving a slight pout which made the other two laugh. Phoebe was right though, while Rachel did miss the jet setting of her past, nothing could quite compare to sitting on the couch eating cookies and drinking wine with her two favorite girls. That was perfect.

In addition to the tension with her family, things were still strained with Ross ever since that stupid list. Ross has apologized and Rachel had kinda forgiven him but she was still upset. She was upset that Ross kept trying to get to her, upset that he did not want her to move on and she was just upset. It was now the beginning of February and her life still felt stuck and after Ross had sabotaged a date of hers at Central Perk, she was just in a pissed off mood. 1996 was looking to be the worst year ever.

"I can't even….I tried…." Rachel groaned as she walked into the apartment after work that evening. Monica was looking through a box of items her parents had dropped off earlier. Phoebe was on the couch, glancing through Monica and Rachel's old yearbook while the boys were sitting at the table, eating pizza and going over a script with Joey for an audition he had the next day for Days of our Lives. Rachel glanced at Ross before sitting on the couch opposite of Phoebe.

"Wow, you had a huge nose, Rach," Phoebe mused, looking at the yearbook.

"Wow….thanks, Pheebs," Rachel said, giving her a look.

"Just saying. You want me to lie?" Phoebe asked.

"I'd appreciate that, yes," Rachel said.

"Huh, I wonder what this is?" Monica asked as she grabbed a VHS tape from the box. "Oh, my G-d….Rachel. Prom. You wanna go back to 1988?"

"Oh, yes….it was so much easier," Rachel said.

"I don't know. I spent 1988 in Prague cleaning ice dancer costumes and getting sexually assaulted by strange men," Phoebe said.

"Stop it," Rachel said, angrily. While she loved hearing stories of Phoebe's bravery, tonight was not the night.

"Why are you in such a pissy mood?" Phoebe asked.

"I don't know," Rachel said turning to stare at Ross, "you want a list?"

"Alright, I have told you…..it was Chandler's idea," Ross argued.

"Joe, script please?" Chandler asked taking the script out of Joey's hand, rolling it up and smacking Ross with it, "leave me out of this."

"I wanna watch this," Monica said.

"You know, we don't have to watch this," Ross said.

"I want to….I wanna wax nostalgic about your hair," Chandler grinned.

"Joe, script?" Ross held out his hand, Joey handed him the script. Ross rolled it up and smacked Chandler with it.

"You wanna watch, Rach?" Monica asked.

"Sure and if I remember prom correctly, Chip almost stood me up and hooked up with that slut bitch, Amy. Hey, but at least I was the goddamn homecoming queen. Sure, Mon pop that sucker in," Rachel said. Chip had cheated on her at prom and quite possible before. He had been late. Monica had also gotten mad at her. That entire night just sucked.

"Hey, Coyote….running off the cliff soon? Chandler asked, grinning.

"Hey, loser...I'd ask you what you were doing in 1988, but I'm sure it involved being blacked out and drunk off your ass," Rachel said.

"Yeah, a lot of it….yeah," Chandler said. Rachel groaned, Chandler was being annoying again. Sometimes, she really did hate that Chandler no longer fought back with her.

"Joey," Rachel said.

"I got it," Joey rolled up his script and smacked Chandler with it. Chandler laughed as he got up and walked towards Rachel, throwing his arms around her and hugging her as she squirmed.

"Oh, Rachel….I love you, you're so awesome," Chandler cooed.

"Get away from me, loser," Rachel yelled. Monica put the tape in the VCR and pressed play. Rachel managed to escape from Chandler and ran towards Monica. The two sat side by side and linked arms as they watched.

"We really don't have to watch this," Ross said.

"Whoa, some girl ate Monica," Joey said, pointing to the camera as Monica's former heavier self appeared on screen.

"The camera adds ten pounds," Monica tried.

"Uh-huh, exactly how many cameras are on you?" Chandler said.

"Ross?" Monica asked.

"Got it," Ross smacked Chandler upside the head. Monica grinned happily, Rachel laughed as well as she turned with Monica to watch the video. When Rachel appeared on screen, she smiled at her ultimate 80's hair and the dress, the one she designed. She leaned into Monica.

"I designed my own prom dress. That's a Rachel Karen Green design," Rachel said, whispering in Monica's ear.

"I love it," Monica said.

Rachel smiled as she continued watching. The smile disappeared as she remembered that night, remembered Chip being late and Monica's date was pissed. Ross had been there that night and Monica had tried to convince Rachel to ask Ross to prom, that had happened off camera but the camera focused on Ross. Ross, unbeknownst to either her or Monica, had also been talked into taking Rachel to prom. He was dressed in a tux and watched sadly as Chip, Rachel, Monica and her date, Roy, ran out the door. Rachel's heart dropped. He was going to save her again. He was going to be there for her, protect her as he always had. He was always protecting her. Always there….he was going to take her to prom.

"Oh my G-d….Ross," Monica said.

Rachel got up and slowly walked towards Ross. It was just everything. That list meant nothing, it was stupid. He had been there for everything. Their first dance during Monica's Bat Mitzvah, hanging out with him when she had been grounded. He saw right through her, he knew her and challenged her. Chip and Barry were easy. Ross was not. Ross was better. She approached Ross and kissed him, a deep kiss and he kissed back. Perfection.

When the kiss ended, Rachel was crying as she took his hand and walked towards the couch. The rest of the group stared at them, stunned. They were now officially a couple.

"You really were gonna take me to prom?" Rachel asked.

"Yep," Ross said.

"You were gonna take him to prom, remember? Chip wasn't there yet and I told you to ask Ross," Monica said.

"Yeah and I kinda wish I had gone with you," Rachel said, looking at Ross, "I would have had far more fun."

Ross leaned in and kissed Rachel. Rachel felt amazing being with him, being able to call herself Ross' girlfriend. This was good, perfect. Exactly how it was supposed to be.

The first night, their first time. She would remember it forever, lying there in his arms in the planetarium of the Natural History Museum where Ross worked. The fake stars twinkling above them as they stole kisses and stared at each other and their first time was incredible. Rachel had never felt that wonderful with any guy. He was so gentle and kind, he always was.

"Wow," Rachel whispered as they were still there.

"I can't believe it's you."

"Ross," Rachel said looking at him, "thank you."

"For what?"

"For sticking with me. Even when I left, you wouldn't let me go. Chandler and I always tease you and Mon, that you will never let either one of us go. I'm glad."

"Rach, I've wanted you for so long. From that moment at Monica's Bat Mitzvah, when we danced and you tried so hard to convince me you were this mean girl. You were never a mean girl...at least, not to me."

Rachel leaned into kiss him again. This was it, all of this growth and change led up to this moment. She was headed in a new direction and it was the best direction she could think of, she was headed into a relationship with Ross which scared her.

"Do you think everything's gonna change?" Rachel asked.

"With what?"

"The six of us. We're now four friends and a couple. I don't want it change the six of us. I want us to still always be the six of us."

"We will be."

"Promise?"

Ross leaned into kiss Rachel again the two continued to explore each other and to engage in this new level of their relationship. It felt right, felt like they were right on the cusp of something, like some big love affair that would forever be exclusively theirs.

In addition to her budding relationship with Ross, Monica was also starting a new relationship with a guy named, Richard. Richard Burke wasn't just anyone. He was Michelle's dad. Rachel had never been entirely close to Michelle. Michelle had always been more Monica's friend than her's but she did agree to support Monica when she broke the news to Michelle that she was dating her dad.

"I can't do this. I can't...and...this is the wrong place," Monica said, sitting at Central Perk while Rachel was working.

"No, no….if you were sleeping with my dad then I'd...wow, when I say it...it does sound creepy," Rachel said which caused Monica to glare at her.

"She's here," Rachel said, "Michelle."

"Rat Face Green," Michelle grinned.

"Yeah, that's never gonna get old," Rachel said, she really did wish all the mean childhood nicknames would stop. Even Monica's friends, Ellie and Laurie, called her Rat Face at times.

"Ha, ha….hello, Rachel. How are you?" Michelle asked as she gave Rachel a hug.

"Serving coffee to strangers. Could not imagine a better life for myself," Rachel said as she walked off towards the counter and put down the pot of coffee. She kept watching Monica and Michelle as she grabbed a couple plates and put them on a tray. She began to put cakes and muffins on the plates before walking towards some customers. As she walked past Monica and Michelle, she heard Monica talking about Richard and then Rachel heard her name mentioned.

"...Rachel's dating my brother," Monica tried as Rachel walked by.

"Yeah, not quite the same," Rachel said as she headed to another table to serve some customers. She kept watching as she was handing plates of food to customers when Michelle got up and called her name before waving and walking out. Monica looked stunned as Rachel walked towards her.

"Well, that went well," Rachel said.

"Am I making a mistake? Maybe it's just too weird. Michelle was one of my best friends and…."

"Look, okay, yes...it's a little weird. We used to swim in Michelle's pool and yeah, it is strange but here's the thing and I will be serious….do you like him?"

"Yeah."

"Then who gives a shit?"

"Oh, G-d….what about Chandler?"

Rachel had to smile a little at that. She liked how concerned Monica was about Chandler but maybe it wasn't supposed to happen, maybe not now?

"If it's supposed to happen with Chandler it will happen. You can't help who you fall in love with. I love your brother."

"So, Joey's moving out," Chandler said storming into Central Perk. Rachel and Monica looked at him.

"What?" Monica asked.

"Joey is moving out. Bert and Ernie are breaking up. Goodbye, Chanoey," Chandler remarked as he then turned and walked out of Central Perk. Rachel froze as Monica got up and ran out. Joey was moving? He had recently gotten a role on Days of Our Lives and was doing well. Rachel loved watching him on the soap and loved even more getting the inside scoop from him. She and Brian had spent many a day watching Days and it made her so happy that she now had the inside track although, Joey moving made her incredibly sad. Things were changing.

Rachel put her tray down and walked out of Central Perk to see Chandler walking off and Monica watching him. She walked over to Monica and placed her arm around Monica.

"Aren't you supposed to be working?" Monica asked.

"I'm on a break."

"Oh."

"Chandler will be fine. He will. He and Joey will be fine. Michelle will get over it. Go, be with Richard. He is hot."

Rachel meant that. Richard was nice and she liked Richard with Monica. Chandler was sweet but there was something about him, something broken. Maybe it came from living with Monica or talking with Ross but there was something about Chandler, for as perfect as she thought Monica and Chandler would be together, she saw how Monica was around him. She was always stressed, always upset about something. He was always on the verge of spinning wildly out of control and he was getting thin, very thin.

Chandler's new roommate, Eddie, freaked Rachel out. He seemed crazy and both Ross and Monica really didn't like him. She didn't like him either but she was more concerned about Chandler's weight. His cheeks were hollow and he looked emaciated. He looked sick. She thought it might get better when Joey moved back in that March after getting killed off Days of Our Lives and Eddie left but it didn't, it kept getting worse and when Monica told her that she thought Chandler was hooked on prescription drugs again, her mind began whirling. She had lost Brian to drugs. She hadn't even known he was hooked on anything but he had overdosed. She had lost Brian and the idea she might lose Chandler was starting to eat away at her.

"Is he going to die?" Rachel asked as she and Ross lay in bed together. It was the middle of March now and their relationship was as strong as ever. They were side by side, reading or at least Ross was. Rachel could not concentrate. Ross looked at her and shook his head.

"Not if we can help it."

"I can't….I can't bury him too. I-you know I found Brian's body and that image...that image of his legs and his body and he was all blue and...I held him and I kept yelling at him to wake up, I can't go through that again. I can't…."

"We're not going to."

"How bad was it the first time?"

"It was bad. He got painkillers for his toe and he was already drinking too much and he'd down painkillers with booze and he spiraled. Monica and I spent the entire winter break with him."

"Why does he hate himself so much?" Rachel asked.

"I don't know."

"Does he realize how much we don't hate him? Does he realize we love him?"

"No."

Rachel slowly nodded as she let that sink in. She had never expected to care about Chandler Bing. She had hated him, she had been happy hating him but now she cared and that upset her. She hated that she cared. She got up and got out of bed, ignoring Ross asking where she was going. She walked out of the apartment and into Chandler and Joey's apartment where Chandler was standing by the counter. She looked at him as he stared back at her, confused.

"You know that I love you, right?" Rachel asked.

"Well, I think you're lovely."

"No, no….I used to hate you. I used to think you were the worst person ever and I wanted everything bad to happen to you. I don't think that anymore. I think you're amazing and funny and smart and I am so, so happy that you're my friend and that I'm yours and if something happens to you, I'm not sure I could handle it. I love you. You're one of my top five favorite people on this planet. Stop doing whatever you're doing….'cause I buried one best friend and I refuse to bury another," Rachel said, matter of factly. Chandler just stared at her silently. She didn't wait for him to speak, instead just hugging him and walking back into her apartment where Ross was waiting for her, staring at her.

"You alright?" Ross asked.

"I don't know."

Ross wrapped his arms around Rachel and kissed her as they walked back into the bedroom and shut the door. They were only three months into 1996 and things seemed to be changing at a rapid pace for the six and she wasn't quite sure how much she liked that.


	29. Chapter 29

May 1996-November 1996

Her twenty sixth birthday involved two parties. She loved that her friends had decided to throw her a surprise party and was happy that they had invited all the people who worked at Central Perk to make it seem like she had other friends outside the group. Her sisters had decided that they couldn't make it. Jill went to Spain with a group of friends and Amy had traveled to Scotland with her newest boyfriend. That didn't really surprise her though. Ever since she had run out on Barry, there had been a rift, a distance between her and her sisters because she was obviously living a very different life than they were. She had chosen a completely different path, one neither Jill nor Amy seemed to understand. What she hated was that her parents needed to be separated. Her dad stayed in the guys apartment, her mom in her apartment and her friends made sure they didn't cross paths. It killed her that this is what it now came down to, separate rooms.

"This is it," Rachel said as Chandler sat on the steps in the hall between their two apartments. She had been sitting, needing a break when Chandler opened the door to his apartment. He smiled and sat next to her. "This is how my life is going to be now, right. My parents in separate rooms? How do you deal with it? How did you get used to it?"

"Well….inappropriate jokes helped and heavy drinking and-"

"Chandler, please."

"They're not right for each other, my parents. My dad is gay and my mother writes erotic novels. I mean, yeah, it was difficult and it took awhile but sometimes they're better apart than they are together."

"We had good times though. I remember boat trips. Those boat trips were fun and….I remember the Fourth of July. We would go out on my dad's boat and watch the fireworks and huddle together and we were a family, you know. Yeah, my parents bickered sometimes and my sisters and I would try to outdo each other but we were still a family. We were the family that had these amazing parties or would go on these trips and...I'm gonna miss be a family."

"I know."

Rachel let out a sigh as Chandler put his arm around her. She fell into him as he gently kissed the top of her head.

"I hate this," Rachel said.

"I know that too."

She let out a sigh as she kept thinking about her parents, her life, her twenty sixth birthday. She was four years from thirty and she was a waitress with divorced parents. She didn't have any other friends outside of Monica, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe and Ross and while she loved them and would be thankful for them forever and ever, it made her a little sad that she was the only one who no longer had friends from her past. She was only relying on them and when it came her parents and sisters and everything just seemed so foreign to her...so no longer part of her world.

The day after her birthday, she was back at work. She was serving coffee, taking orders and trying to provide service with a smile or at the very least, provide service without killing others.

"Okay, I'm on my break, you need to take care of that table," Sarah, another waitress, sauntered towards her. Sarah was twenty six as well, long red hair and pale white skin.

"I do?" Rachel asked.

"Yes and you will love me. It is the most awkward first date ever," Sarah said.

Rachel grinned as she looked at the guy and girl sitting at the love seat table by the window.

"But that's not possible….that's not Chandler," Rachel said, teasing her friend who of course was well known by all for his ability to turn any date into a painfully awkward encounter.

"No, no...that makes Chandler seem like your friend, Joey."

"Noooo," Rachel said.

"Uh-huh," Sarah said as Rachel grabbed her pad and walked toward the couple. She had to suppress a smile as she overheard the man talking about something strange and the woman looked very uncomfortable. She walked back towards Sarah who was grinning wildly at her.

"Oh my G-d," Rachel said.

"I know."

"I...wow..." Rachel said.

"You're so lucky you have a boyfriend," Sarah said. "So what's the worst date you've ever had?"

"Rachel has never had a bad date, are you kidding?" Gary, another waiter, said overhearing the conversation.

"I have too," Rachel said. "The date I had when I made the drunken call to Ross, well that was bad."

"Honey, that was bad for him," Gary said.

"Yeah, you're his worst date ever," Sarah grinned.

"Yeah, probably," Rachel said.

"Rachel, honey," Sandra Green said as she wandered into Central Perk. Rachel looked rather shocked to see her mom as she walked towards to give her a = hug before sitting with her at a table.

"What are you doing here?"

"Well, I had such a lovely time at your birthday party and I was thinking, we should do speed dating," Sandra said.

"What?"

"Well, I heard about it and I just think-"

"Mom, I have a boyfriend."

"Who?"

"Ross?"

"Oh, yes...but honey, he's...he smokes and he...his behavior at your birthday party was just-"

"Mom... dad was there yesterday. Chandler and Joey decided at the last moment to have a party in their apartment too so that they could separate you and dad. All five of them spent the entire party keeping you in different rooms...that is why Ross had all of dad's stuff."

"Oh."

"Look, mom, I can't….I know you wanna have this whole separate life but-"

"It looks like you have so much fun."

"I do...but it's hard."

But Sandra Green didn't seem to listen and it made Rachel rather sad to hear how her mom now wanted to live like her but as Sandra continued to talk, Rachel tuned it out. She hated the change, all of the change but at the very least it seemed like she was beginning to make friends. Her co-workers, Sarah and Gary, were awesome and fun to work with. They made her days bearable. She was truly hating her job. There was part of her that wanted to make a change as well. Her relationship with Ross was going strong but that dream job, that fashion job. It was still out of reach.

"It's the interview process. I'm a horrible interview," Rachel said over drinks with Sarah and Gary. They had invited her to a happy hour after their shift and she jumped at the chance to actually hang out somewhere besides Central Perk.

"I'm sure you're fine," Sarah said.

"I'm really bad. The fact that I got hired at Central Perk is a miracle."

"Hey, your friend….question about him," Gary said.

"What? Which one?" Rachel asked, a little confused.

"The skinny dude?" Gary asked.

"Chandler?" Rachel asked, knowing unfortunately who he was referring to because Chandler seemed to be getting thinner and thinner. He looked sick.

"I wanted to ask about him, too. He doesn't look well. Is he okay? 'Cause I kinda thought he was funny and cute but he looks really sick," Sarah said.

"I don't know….I don't...I don't feel comfortable talking about it but wait, Sarah, you think he's cute?" Rachel asked.

"I do….I did but is he sick?"

"I don't think so," Rachel said but the wheels in her head began spinning. Chandler was getting tinier and tinier. She knew Monica was getting worried and so was she, so were all of them. She came up with an idea. Maybe that would work, setting him up with someone.

When she got home that night, Chandler was in their apartment with Ross and Monica watching television. She walked towards Ross and gave him a kiss before plopping down on his lap.

"How was your happy hour?" Monica asked.

"Awesome," Rachel said.

"So are you happy you now have friends outside the six of us," Chandler said.

"You want friends outside the six of us?" Ross asked.

"Yes, I do," Rachel said.

"Why?" Ross asked.

"We're not good enough for her," Chandler grinned.

"No. No, not at all. Okay, you guys all have friends outside of our group. I have no one. Seriously, I don't think you guys get it. I lost every friend I had when I ran out on my wedding. You guys had to invite your friends to my birthday. Come on," Rachel groaned. "Although, um, Chandler….I do have something to ask you."

"What?" Chandler asked.

"My new friend….and co-worker….Sarah-"

"Which one is Sarah?" Ross asked.

"She's the redheaded waitress. Really cute….can I set you up with her?" Rachel asked.

"Oh….I don't know," Chandler said.

"Why not?" Rachel asked.

"I don't….I don't know...just-"

"She's cute," Ross said.

"It might be nice," Monica said.

"I'm gonna go...I gotta do something," Chandler said, looking uncomfortable. He stood up and walked out the door. Rachel could feel her heart drop. Ross wrapped her arms around her tighter. Monica gave her a weak smile.

"He's not well," Rachel said.

"No. He's not," Monica said.

"I thought that maybe if I set him up, he might...I don't know. Is he gonna be okay?"

"He will, we will make sure he's okay," Ross said.

"I never even knew Brian was addicted to anything. He never got thin like Chandler or anything...I don't what I'm supposed to do," Rachel said.

"We've been through it before….we'll do it again," Monica said as Rachel let out a sigh, She wished she could do something. "By the way, Rach. Richard was invited to Mindy's wedding. I'm his plus one."

"Seriously?" Rachel asked, her mouth dropping.

"I so don't wanna go. I hate Mindy and I hate all those girls," Monica groaned.

"You have to go. Come on, please."

"I can't….no," Monica said. "Those girls made my life miserable."

"Nancy won't be there and...Sharon might and….and-well, you didn't know our friends from college but...please?" Rachel asked.

"If I'm going, you're going," Ross said.

"Exactly. Ross is my plus one."

"Hmmm, if I go as Richard's plus one, what am I getting from you?" Monica asked.

"Wh-what?" Rachel asked, not sure what she was saying.

"All throughout high school, you would said crap like that….'oh, they're my friends', 'oh you don't understand'...I invited them to my Bat Mitzvah and they all stood around and mooed me."

"I made ten bucks at your Bat Mitzvah," Ross grinned.

"How?" Monica asked.

"Nancy did actually bet me twenty bucks to dance with Ross but I made the stupid mistake of telling Ross that and I had to give him half," Rachel said.

"Easiest ten bucks ever made," Ross grinned as Rachel playfully elbowed him.

"Wait, and if you're Richard's plus one shouldn't he be doing something for you?" Rachel asked.

"No. I'm going to a wedding of a girl who made me miserable and made you miserable but you were too big of a coward to admit it," Monica said.

"I admitted it," Rachel argued.

"In 1994," Monica said.

"Better late than never. Monica, come on...I'm not dumping you for them. I'm not gonna just decide to be their friend. I need support this time. I'm walking in there and...she's marrying Barry….and you saw my dress? I think that's punishment enough, don't you think?"

"That is a hideous dress. Okay, Rach."

"And after….I will take you shopping and buy you whatever you want that is under fifty bucks," Rachel grinned.

"You got it," Monica grinned.

The wedding of Mindy and Barry was getting closer and closer and Rachel was dreading it more and more. The dress Mindy was making her wear was hideous. She had contemplated asking Mindy if she could design her own but decided not to although she did feel she would no doubt make something so much better. She did, however, help Monica with her dress. Monica's one request was that she look hot so Rachel designed a dress for her instead which was kind of fun. It was flowery and tight and looked good. It was the one thing that provided Rachel with any sort of happiness when it came to the wedding as she felt the whole thing was bizarre.

"I am in hell," Rachel grumbled to Ross as they walked into the ceremony the day of the wedding. She felt so uncomfortable.

"You look beautiful," Ross said.

"Ross, come on...you got me. Shut up. Stop trying to kiss up."

"Fine….Princess Bubble Yum," Ross grinned.

"That's Chandler's joke. Think of your own."

"But Chandler is so much better at making fun of you than I am."

"That is true," Rachel said. She would make the best of it, she had to as there really was no other choice.

"Rachel, how nice of you to come," Alice, Barry's mom, approached them along with Jared, Barry's dad. Rachel nodded at Alice and Jared. She had not seen them since running out on her wedding. She hugged them both and grinned.

"I'm the Maid of Honor so….yeah, had to," Rachel said.

"Well, it is nice of you to show up and hopefully you'll stay this time, after all it's not everyday our only son gets married," Jared said, "oh, wait…maybe the only wedding of his you'll stay at."

"Yeah, funny...wait, only son?" Rachel asked.

"Yes," Alice said.

"What about Brian?" Rachel asked.

"Brian?" Alice asked.

"Was that another wedding you ran out on?" Jared asked, grinning from ear to ear. Rachel was unbelievably confused. She wasn't sure what was going on. Jared and Alice had two children, two sons….at least that's what she thought. Did Brian's death mean he stopped existing in their eyes?

"No, your other son," Rachel said.

"We never had a son named, Brian. You must be confused," Alice said, patting Rachel's hand.

"Oh, honey, look," Jared said, pointing off to the side towards some random wedding guests. Alice looked to where Jared was pointing and without saying anything, they disappeared. Rachel looked at Ross, her mouth dropping in sheer shock. She looked around and saw Barry standing with their old friend, Alex. Rachel walked towards them with Ross following behind.

"Barry," Rachel said.

"You look like Pepto Bismol," Alex teased.

"Thanks, Alex. Um, Bar….I just talked to your parents and they seem to think they only have one son. Brian might be gone but-"

"We don't talk about him," Barry said. "He no longer exists."

"What? He did exist," Rachel said. "He existed to me."

"'Cause you hooked up with him," Alex said.

"I'm gonna kick you in the head," Rachel said.

"We don't talk about him. We don't mention him. Just don't talk about him….at all. I'm gonna go," Barry said as he and Alex walked off. Rachel turned and looked at Ross, stunned.

"He was right. Brian was right," Rachel said.

"Maybe it's too painful for them?" Ross asked.

"No, no...he used to say his parents would disown him if he came out and that his prison was worse than mine and that he….oh my G-d. He was their child. How do you forget your child exists?"

"I don't know."

"You would have liked him Ross. Chandler would have liked him. He was funny and sweet….so kind...I probably would've hooked up with him if he liked me in that way."

"Well….that's nice," Ross said.

"Alright, you go find Monica and Richard. I should probably go find Mindy and the rest of her bridal party," Rachel said as she gave Ross a kiss and walked off towards Mindy's dressing room. She knew Sharon would be there, Kiki, Joanne and Leslie would be as well. No one really knew where Nancy and Melissa were anymore, not that Rachel cared. She didn't. She had forgone as many activities as she could, despite her Maid of Honor role. She had planned an engagement party she couldn't attend, a bachelorette party that she suddenly had to back out of but this final thing….well that was the one thing she could not back out of.

"You look beautiful," Mindy said as Rachel walked into the dressing room.

"It's like deja vu," Joanne grinned.

"It so is….haven't we done this already?" Kiki asked.

"Well, Rach are you planning on staying?" Joanne asked.

"I do wish you had come to my bachelorette party," Mindy said.

"That would have been weird," Rachel said.

"Monicow is here….that's weird," Sharon said.

"'Cause she's dating Richard Burke," Mindy said.

"Ewww, Monicow is a desperate cow," Sharon said.

"Okay, you have got to stop calling her that," Rachel said.

"You know, you invented the nickname," Sharon said.

"I was six and she is no longer heavy," Rachel said.

"Is it true you're dating also Geek Geller?" Sharon asked.

"Ross? Yes, I am dating Ross Geller...and to be honest, I love him far more than I ever loved Barry. He's sweet, smart, funny….he's amazing and no, he's not a geek. He's Ross. He's my lobster," Rachel grinned.

"Your what?" Kiki asked.

"Never mind," Rachel said.

"This is an amazing day. I'm getting married and Rachel, thank you for being my Maid of Honor and I really hope you don't run out," Mindy said.

"Same here. I plan on staying though," Rachel said and it was a promise she would reluctantly keep. She would have to keep it, no matter how painful and hard it would be and it was hard. She and Barry had been together for a long time, almost seven years and he was now marrying her former best friend. All of this seemed so bizarre and it made her more thankful for Ross, thankful for his support. Thankful he would not let her completely embarrass herself and she was thankful for Monica. Having the Gellers there made it perfect although the ending was not so perfect.

She had been dancing with Ross when she noticed Monica step away from Richard, with tears in her eyes. She turned and walked out of the room. Richard looked despondent as well, Rachel stepped back and looked at Ross.

"They just broke up," Rachel said.

"What?" Ross asked looking back towards Richard. Rachel walked out of the room and saw Monica sitting on the steps of the hotel, crying. Rachel sat next to her and put her arm around Monica.

"He doesn't want anymore children. I want kids and he doesn't and it's over...it's...oh my G-d," Monica cried as Rachel held her.

"Sweetie," Rachel kept her arm around Monica.

"Maybe I don't need to have children?"

"Yes, you do. Monica Geller was put on this Earth to be on a mom. You need to have children."

"But I wanted them to be with Richard."

"I know."

"This is the worst wedding ever."

"I know."

Monica kept crying as Rachel hugged her. Her heart broke for Monica. This was going to be rough, incredibly rough. Soon, Ross joined them, sitting on the other side of Monica as the two continued to comfort her. They would eventually walk off, headed towards home. Rachel wasn't used to being the one to take care of Monica, it was always the other way around but this time, but she would do her best. She would listen, offer Twinkies and be there. She would try her best.

It was a rough six months. Incredibly rough and just as Monica seemed to feel better, Chandler crashed. He had begun a relationship with Janice again which Rachel hoped would help Chandler feel better even if he kept getting thinner and thinner but when Chandler's relationship with Janice ended, Rachel got scared. He was rail thin, she felt like she could break him.

After Chandler and Janice broke up, Rachel was making the slow death smoothies, Joey was looking through movies and Monica and Ross were arguing over whether or not they needed to do an intervention.

"He's not ready for one," Ross argued.

"He's too thin. He's on drugs and now with him and Janice broken up…Ross, he needs an intervention," Monica said.

"He's not ready. He'll disappear," Ross said.

"I'm gonna go get him," Phoebe said, "I'll bring a box of pizza to lure him over. I can talk to him."

Phoebe grabbed one of the many pizza boxes and walked out, leaving Ross and Monica to argue at the kitchen table as Rachel was making the slow death smoothies although there was part of her that wondered if she should be making something without alcohol.

"He's on something," Monica said.

"I know, but we can't-"

"I'll throw out stuff," Joey said, looking up from the movies.

"What?" Ross asked.

"Well, when I lived with my buddy Shane he was hooked on drugs and I just started to flush stuff down the toilet when he wasn't home," Joey said.

"How did that work?" Ross asked.

"Well...he died but-"

"Oh my G-d," Monica said.

Rachel let that sink in. She remembered something, that night that she and Brian had run into Joey at that New York Fashion Week After Party. She remembered Joey mentioning something about his friend having just died. That image was immediately replaced by Brian lying on the floor, dead from an overdose.

"He's not going to die," Ross said.

"I can't-I can't lose him. I just got over Richard and that was hard I can't….if I lose Chandler, I don't know….I just don't wanna lose him. I can't. I'm not strong enough," Monica cried as Joey and Rachel immediately joined Ross and Monica at the table. All three began to comfort her as she continued to cry.

"Monica, listen to me," Joey said as he sat next to her, he stared straight at her, "he's not dying."

"Yes he is."

"No, no, he's not. Not on my watch. I'm not burying my brother. Not a chance in hell," Joey said. Rachel could not help but smile at Joey's remark. For as piggish as Joey Tribbiani could be, he was also fiercely protective of the five of them something Rachel would always be grateful for.

"You're very sweet, Joey," Monica said as she hugged him. She took a deep breath and stood up. "I'll go get him." Monica said.

"He's going to be okay," Rachel said.

"Yeah, we've been through it before, we'll go through it again. We are not going to let him hit the bottom," Ross said. Monica nodded as she walked out of the door. Rachel, Joey and Ross sat together, all silent.

"I found Brian's body. I can't….I can't find Chandler's and I mean, I never thought I'd say this….but I like Chandler more than Brian. Sorry, Brian," Rachel said.

"He is not going to die," Joey said.

"Joe, how did you find out about your friend?" Rachel asked.

"I came home. I was actually pissed off 'cause he told me he was gonna pick me up from JFK. I had just flown from LAX to JFK and I was waiting at that damn airport for like two and a half hours and I kept calling our place and finally someone picked up and I asked where the hell he was and it was a police officer who asked who I was and I said, I'm Joey, Shane's roommate and they told me to come home. They didn't want to tell me over the phone so I went to our place and there were ambulances and stuff….he was dead."

"I'm sorry. I remember you telling me at that at the Fashion Week After Party."

"Yeah, I had um….hooked up with a model who was walking one of the shows and she told me to come so I did," Joey said.

"I don't want him dying. I don't wanna find his body. I want him to get well and I want…." Rachel's voice began to tighten up as Ross and Joey each squeezed one of her hands just as Monica walked back in with a box of pizza and sat with them.

"Mon?" Rachel asked, reaching over and squeezing her hand.

"He's sick and...I just wish he knew, you know, I wish he knew how much we all love him and he doesn't and I know, Rachel, you and Pheebs say that Chandler and I are gonna end up together but I can't….I can't...he's not well."

"I know," Rachel said.

"Alright, I'm gonna make the smoothies...or more of them," Monica said as she got up and walked towards the kitchen. Rachel joined her as Joey began eating some of the pizza and Ross went to look through the movies.

"Is this why you called me?" Rachel asked.

"What?" Monica asked.

"In college...when you asked me to come to Chandler's house and I was going skiing….is this what happened?" Rachel asked.

"Sorta...yeah. It is my fault, though."

"Why?"

"'Cause of that Thanksgiving and he-"

"It's not your fault," Rachel said suddenly and she felt overwashed with a feeling of guilt. This was her fault, not Monica's. She had caused this with her anger at Chandler. She had been the one to push Monica to get revenge and she had but that revenge had gone horribly wrong. She should never have gone to Vail, she should have gone to help Monica. This was her fault.

The door opened and in walked Chandler and Phoebe. Rachel could feel her breath get caught in her throat. He looked sick, truly sick. It made her want to cry. She had been so angry, he had covered her car with peanut butter two weeks after she had the abortion but he did not know that. She felt sick.

"There you are man, _Hot Dog: The Movie_ is on deck and after.._.Die Hard_," Ross said.

"_The Hot Dog Movie_ and _Die Hard._..whoa, I have the greatest friends ever," Chandler grinned as he and Phoebe walked towards the couch and began to make themselves comfortable. Monica handed two slow death smoothies to Rachel and nodded towards Phoebe and Chandler. Rachel walked towards Chandler and Phoebe when she noticed Chandler gripping something, a shoe, Janice's shoe and she immediately recalled an earlier conversation with Sarah. Sarah had told her something about Chandler but she thought it couldn't possibly be true…..it apparently was.

"Oh my G-d, Sarah was right," Rachel said.

"What?" Chandler asked.

"Sarah is my co-worker...at Central Perk," Rachel said.

"Oh, crap...I forgot you work there," Chandler said.

"What? You stole Sarah's shoe?" Joey asked as he walked towards the couch with one of the boxes of pizza. Sarah had told Rachel how Chandler had made a scene, that it was funny but sad. Rachel had tried to ignore it.

"No, he stole Janice's shoe. Sarah called me and said, oh your friend Chandler just broke up with a girl and stole her shoe," Rachel said.

"You stole Janice's shoe?" Ross asked.

"No...they're mine. They make me feel taller...and slender," Chandler tried.

"Oh, honey...give me your drink," Rachel said.

"Why?" Chandler asked.

"I think we need to make yours stronger," Rachel said.

Chandler groaned as he handed Rachel his drink. Rachel gently squeezed his shoulder and gave him a kiss on the head.

"Honey, I think you're the coyote who has run off the cliff tonight," Rachel mused before starting to walk off, Chandler grabbed her arm to stop her.

"Wait, Rach...can I go back to Central Perk tomorrow?" Chandler asked.

"Oh, honey, of course...you're my friend. They know not to mess with you and if anyone does, let me know and I'll have a little chat with them," Rachel said.

"Thanks," Chandler said as Rachel walked towards the kitchen to make the drinks stronger. She looked up and noticed the rest of them chatting and let out a sigh. If she had not been so angry….it hadn't been his fault, he didn't know what she had been suffering from. It tore her, she wanted to make whatever he was feeling disappear.

Rachel walked back to Chandler and handed him his drink before plopping down next to Phoebe. Rachel could see the fear in Monica's eyes as he drank. Rachel felt she had no choice, she had to give him a drink. She wasn't really sure what she was supposed to do. Rachel noticed Monica gently stroke his arm and look so concerned and it was a little sweet. She looked at Phoebe who was also staring at Monica and Chandler.

"I think we should add a dance to the 'I Told You So' song,'" Rachel whispered to Phoebe. Phoebe laughed as she looked over at Rachel.

"You think?" Phoebe whispered.

"Maybe some fireworks," Rachel whispered.

"I don't see them having an outdoor wedding though," Phoebe whispered.

"True...then noisemakers," Rachel whispered.

"Definitely," Phoebe whispered.

"What are you two whispering about?" Monica asked.

"Nothing," Chandler said as he shot Rachel and Phoebe a look. "They are whispering about nothing. By the way, Rach...nice. Fast death punch," Chandler held up his drink with a smile. Rachel reached her glass over as they clicked them together.

"Yep, who takes care of you, babe," Rachel grinned although secretly, she wanted to knock the drink out of his hand. She thought of Brian and wished she had known the depths of his pain, wished she could have helped and now there was Chandler and she just wanted to save him.

Ross popped the_ Hot Dog Movie_ in the VCR, pressed play and walked over to Rachel sitting next to her, holding her. Phoebe and Monica both snuggled up next to Chandler and Joey was sitting in the big chair. Soon the _Hot Dog Movie_ was followed by _Die Hard_, _Spaceballs_, _When Harry Met Sally_, _Animal House_ and _Weekend at Bernies_...one movie after the other and soon she fell asleep in Ross' arms.


	30. Chapter 30

December 1996-January 1997

She was ending the year being trained, trained for a job she hated. She was not a good waitress, she knew that. She hated waitressing, hated waiting on people. She knew when she had started two years and three months earlier that she had no choice but to be a waitress. She was not qualified for anything else as she had never worked before, so she had to take what she could get but now she was more experienced at least a little bit.

"I thought this was a temporary thing?" Chandler asked her over one of their lunches of Mexican food and margaritas. Rachel was complaining to him about being retrained as a waitress.

"It was but...I-"

"Didn't you want to do fashion?"

"Yes."

"Well?"

"I-the interview process? I freeze. I'm a horrible interview. The first fashion interview I had was at BCBG and I was a puddle of sweat and then I interviewed at Saks Fifth Avenue for Brian's old job….his job. I even met his old boyfriend, whom by way, Brian really should have introduced me to him but still….I didn't get that job either. I can't do this but I can't be waitress either. I'm twenty six years old."

"Four more years and you'll be thirty."

"Shush."

"You know what you have to do, though."

"What?"

"Quit."

"Quit?"

"That's right. Quit your job."

"I can't quit. Monica's working at a diner and she's not making that much now and if I quit, what then?"

"Then you go get your job in fashion. Look, as long as you have this job then there's nothing kicking you in the ass to get the job you want. You need the fear."

"The fear?" Rachel asked.

"Yes. It's the fear of having no job that's gonna get you the job you want."

"But you hate your job….why don't you quit?" Rachel asked.

"I'm too afraid."

Rachel let out a snort and shook her head as she ate another nacho. It was then she noticed that she was eating more than Chandler. Lately, whenever they had lunch, she was eating more. He looked even thinner and it was terrifying. She could see the bones in his face.

"Okay, if I quit….you have to quit," Rachel tried.

"I'm not quitting my job. Besides, if it wasn't for me and my job, you, Joey and Monica would all be living on the streets. I'm paying all of Joey and I's rent and a third of yours."

"Not your job….quit whatever you're on," Rachel said, not sure if she was saying the right thing.

"What?"

"Chandler, what are you on? You don't look healthy and I know Monica's super worried and….and I know after that Thanksgiving-"

"I'm fine, Rach. I'm not taking anything. That Thanksgiving was a one time thing. I took a few too many pills and that was it. I'm not taking anything."

"If I quit my job, will you quit hurting yourself?"

"Sure, why not….I have to pay rent."

"Please? I can't bury another best friend. I can't go to another funeral of someone I love. I can't. I found Brian's body, Chandler. I will never get that image out of my head. He was blue and I held him and screamed and….I can't-"

"You don't have to worry. Joey would probably find me first."

"Chandler."

"I'm fine."

"So if I quit my job…..you'll quit hurting yourself?"

"Yeah," Chandler said, shrugging slightly. Rachel raised an eyebrow and stared at him as she reached for another nacho. He looked bad, so bad but maybe this would help? Maybe her quitting would inspire him as well? Or not?

She ran it by Monica that night over Twinkies. They sat side by side on Monica's bed and Rachel was telling Monica about her lunch with Chandler and the promise she made. Monica just listened and at the end just let out a long, drawn out sigh.

"What?" Rachel asked.

"Don't be shocked if it doesn't work."

"Me quitting?"

"No, you can quit….you can go get a job in fashion and I think you will but I don't think he's gonna quit."

"You don't?"

"Rachel, he's a drug addict and an alcoholic and he has no idea how sick he really is. You see how thin he is? He's going to keep lying until….until he has to give it up."

"It upsets me. How does he not see it? How does he not see how much we love him? How much you love him?"

"I'm not marrying him."

"I didn't say-"

"He's an addict."

"I know. You know, I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"I should have been with you the first time….instead of going to Vail."

"It's fine. You're here now.'"

"Yeah….so I am going to quit."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Even if Chandler doesn't clean up his act, I wanna be in fashion. I wanna work in fashion. I don't wanna learn how to make coffee better. I mean….I remember when I went to Paris during fashion week and I was so pissed that neither Barry nor anyone else wanted to go and so I didn't but my G-d, fashion week in Paris?"

"I would have gone with you."

"And when I got back, Brian picked me up and we saw all the New York Fashion Week shows and Mon, I was like inches from Kate Moss and Christy Turlington and-and-Cindy Crawford and the clothes, oh, G-d. So gorgeous and I had never felt so short and stumpy in my life. Then we went to these parties with models and Brian hit on all these guys and Joey hit on me. I told him I had a boyfriend and Joey's response was, 'well, he's not here now.'"

"Nice. Of course. I told you, first day I met him, I invited him over to have lemonade and he stripped naked."

"Which is what you do."

"Uh-huh."

"But oh...yeah, I'm gonna….I'm gonna quit."

"Okay."

"Although...what about money?"

"We will figure it out. Quit. Get your dream job. Central Perk waitress is not your dream job. "

"No….and for so long people just figured it was just a hobby of mine. My parents called it a hobby."

"It's not a hobby if you can't stop dreaming about it. I love being a chef, I love making food and making art out of food. I love nurturing people….feeding people….when we worked-well, okay when I worked in the soup kitchen-"

"Hey."

"Come on."

"I was in the building."

"Not the same. Let's call Pheebs and ask….but I made all those fancy foods and I loved that I made those fancy foods, I loved providing that and I am good at it and I do it well. I loved catering during college and cooking and trying new recipes and Rach, you love fashion. You barely make any money, yet you buy like thirty fashion magazines a week. Go get that job….Chandler will be fine, we will be fine but you've worked really hard and you deserve this. It's not a hobby."

"No, it's not."

Rachel grabbed another Twinkie and took a bite. It terrified her, the idea of quitting. It had been a long time since she had been unemployed. She had gotten used to working, to having a paycheck and she liked it. She liked having money of her own.

The next day, she did it. She stood up to Gunther as he showed the differences between caf and decaf coffee. She quit. The words came out and she gave her two week notice and that was it. The end of 1996 would mean her official end as a waitress. It needed to happened, she could not continue with a job she hated. Chandler could be sick or whatever he was, but she needed to take care of herself and herself refused to be in a job she hated, that sucked her dry.

"I quit. I just quit," Rachel said to Gunther's face although there was part of her that was screaming to say that she was only kidding but she ignored that scream. Two years earlier, she had heard those same negative voices screaming at her to turn around when she ran out on her wedding but she never regretted it. She knew that she would not regret this. At least she hoped not….

"I have two weeks to find a job," Rachel realized as she sat down on the couch with the other five after quitting. She let out a sigh as she put her head in her hands. Ross gently wrapped his arm around her, comforting her.

"You know, you-you are still working now," Chandler said. Rachel looked up and glared at him.

"I quit," Rachel said, matter-of-factly.

"I know but-" Chandler said.

"So, are you going to keep your end of the bargain?" Rachel asked.

"I'm fine, Rachel. I'm gonna go get cake," Chandler said as he got up and walked towards the counter. Ross kissed her.

"It's not gonna work," Ross whispered.

"Shut up," Rachel said, "Although, fuck….I'm out of a job. I have to interview again. I won't….oh, no, no, no-"

"We will help you with the interview process," Monica said.

"I've gone on tons of job interviews. We will totally help. What are your strengths and weaknesses?" Phoebe asked.

"Uh….well….strengths...I'm a hard worker-"

"Well, 'cause you're sitting with us and practicing your interview skills while you're technically supposed to be working now….I wouldn't open with that," Joey said.

"Really, Joe?" Rachel asked.

"I want cake," Joey got up and immediately went to join Chandler.

"Okay, for strengths...you try, you get along well with people, you know how to communicate. Weaknesses…." Phoebe started.

"I get nauseous and sweat like a fat man in heat during job interviews?" Rachel asked.

"I wouldn't say that," Phoebe said.

"You will get a job and we will help you with the interview," Ross said.

Rachel nodded before getting up to finish her shift. Her last two weeks at Central Perk went faster than the two years she had worked there. She wasn't quite sure what was causing the speeding up of time but before she knew it, she was two days away from her last day and no job prospects, nothing….until the eleventh hour, when Joey got her a contact. Joey. Apparently, his dad and some old construction worker buddies of his were working on remodeling Fortunata Fashions, some clothing design company owned by an older gentleman named, Larry. He was old and she was desperate.

She sat with Larry, nervous and he asked odd questions. Questions about fashion or who her favorite designers were. Nothing really difficult and she was shocked when she actually got the job but that excitement quickly wore off. Larry wanted her to get coffee and untangle hangers. It made her miss the days of Central Perk. She was bored. The only relation her job had to do with fashion was the name of the company.

"I'm learning nothing," Rachel complained to Monica at the diner Monica worked at now. It was the beginning of 1997 and the group would be celebrating Joey's twenty ninth birthday later on that evening but before that, Rachel was complaining, venting about her horrible job. "I mean, what did I do?"

"You quit to go after the career you want," Monica said.

"It has so little to do with fashion and I think it's a front for the mob," Rachel said.

"What?" Monica asked.

"I don't know. Weird packages get delivered and I don't know…."

"You're paying your dues. We're both paying our dues," Monica said, placing a burger and fries in front of Rachel.

"I hate paying my dues. Seriously, when does the real world not suck. I mean, you know, Barry and Mindy went to Vail over Christmas and New Year's. They all went to Kiki's cabin. I miss that. I almost burnt it down making toast. I miss Vail. I didn't go to stupid Vail."

"I promise, one day you will be able to go to Vail and I will make the toast."

"Grrrrr and um, Chandler-"

"He's not keeping his promise, is he?"

"Oh, shut up," Rachel said, noticing Monica's smug look.

"He's a drug addict and an alcoholic….he's not going to quit because you quit your job. It doesn't work that way."

"Leave me alone," Rachel said when she noticed a guy sitting next to her, laughing. He was alone and he was laughing….at her misery. "And what the hell are you laughing at, jackass? Is my misery funny to you? I quit a crappy job for another crappy job and our best friend is slowly killing himself and this is funny?"

"Rach, I want tips," Monica said.

"No, no, sorry….I just...I'm sorry about your friend. I can't help with that but um….I'm Mark. I work at Bloomingdales. I have a few horror stories too...but um, you know, I do know that there's an opening at Bloomingdales. My boss, Joanna is looking a second assistant."

"Really?" Rachel said and suddenly, her face softened. "Hi, I'm Rachel. Do you like pickles?"

Mark laughed,"I do but I think you might want the interview more?"

"I would but oh, G-d, I'm really bad at interviews."

"You got the job you have now?" Mark asked.

"That wasn't a really hard interview. I don't think he asked me too many questions about fashion or trends or anything….I'm really bad. I sweat. I stammer. I say really stupid things, like what I'm doing right now."

"What if I help you?" Mark asked.

"You would?" Rachel asked.

"Yes. I know what she'll ask. She hired me," Mark said.

"Okay….okay. I don't have any other experience."

"I'll help you out."

"Okay," Rachel said as a smile appeared on her face. She needed this job. This job would make everything okay, at least career wise. It would be what she had worked for, what she had wanted forever. That elusive career in fashion. It was all she could think of, all she could concentrate on.

She wanted to tell Chandler and Ross and that night at Joey's birthday, she told both and got two very different reactions. Ross was jealous, which she found odd. Ross seemed to think the only thing Mark wanted was a relationship. Chandler just kept getting drunker and drunker and later disappeared from the party, but despite this, she just kept focusing on getting that job. When Mark asked her to dinner the Sunday after Joey's party, she jumped at the chance, anything for the job.

"So what are trends in fashion?" Mark asked over dinner.

"I've decided I hate that question. Who the hell knows?"

"True….but you have to know."

"Alright, we are slowly moving away from grunge and we are moving into big pants and tight shirts and how is that?"

"Good….you are going to do a good job. Just concentrate on the interview."

"I will. It's just tough. There's a lot going on right now. Ross, when I told him about you, he got all weird and jealous and I'm really worried about my friend, Chandler. He hooked up with a friend's sister and didn't remember which sister and….I lost a best friend because he overdosed and I'm sure I shouldn't be telling you all this," Rachel said.

"It's okay. I'm glad you're telling me."

"It's just, I don't have a lot of friends outside of those five and...I used to have a lot of friends although they weren't really good friends and I...need to vent."

"Vent away."

"Okay...I want this job so badly because I grew with people thinking this fashion thing was a hobby and I love fashion. I love designing clothes and maybe I don't really know the next trend but is I am so excited to find out and to see what happens in this world and I want in. I may not have years of experience but I have a love and a passion and I know clothes and I know what looks good on people, regardless of their body type or...I mean, okay, I look at my friends. Chandler is way too thin right now and he shouldn't be and all of his clothes are huge on him and he's drowning in fabric and he's hiding in his clothes. He's hiding himself and that's fashion. Fashion is your mood so forget trends. Fashion is like a giant mood ring."

"You should say that. You've got passion."

"I should?"

"Don't get so caught up in the fact that it's an interview. Go in and talk."

"I wanna be in New York Fashion Week."

"You gotta start somewhere."

Rachel nodded as Mark continued to prep her. He asked questions and she answered. She got more and more pumped up for this interview. She would get this job. Phoebe had always told her to visualize things, to put it out into the universe and while she did sometimes find it ridiculous, she thought maybe she'd do it this time. She'd visualize and prepare. She'd get it done and if she had to put Ross' jealousy and Chandler being sick out of her mind, she'd have to do just that.

Although, Ross was making it difficult. She wasn't sure why he couldn't just be happy for her. He kept making snide remarks and kept asking questions about Mark and the day of the interview, his remarks were getting to her.

"You need to stop," Rachel said as she was getting ready for the interview. Ross was sitting on her bed as she was getting dressed. He had made some other comment about Mark and she had had enough.

"What?"

"This job interview is so important to me and you know that. You know how badly I want this and how much I've worked and...I need support. I am not dating Mark and even it he asked me out, I would hope that you trust me enough to say no."

"I trust you, it's Mark-"

"No, no. This is me getting a job I've wanted since forever and I have pushed it back and I have pretended like it was a hobby….I designed my own Bat Mitzvah dress. I designed my prom dress. I want this. I earned this. I want you to support this."

"I do, I support it."

"And I know I should probably be worried about Chandler-"

"Let us be worried about Chandler. Go get the job and then you can worry about Chandler."

"Thanks….he's gonna be okay, right? Joey's sister punched him in face."

"I know. He's gonna be fine. Go get the job. Relax. Talk about trends."

"I hate that question."

Ross smiled as he stood up and walked towards her. He wrapped his arms around her waist as she smiled up at him, taking a deep breath.

"I love you, Rach and I only want good things for you. I know how badly you want this and you'll get it. You can do interviews. You've gotten two jobs from being interviewed-"

"Those were easy and weren't-"

"They were still interviews for jobs you got. You can do interviews. The BCBG one and the Saks one, you weren't ready. You didn't have experience to do those jobs yet. You have the experience to be an assistant. You can assist. You can provide customer service."

"Yeah….yeah, I can," Rachel said. Ross' words were surprisingly helpful. He was right. BCBG was her first interview ever. She was young, twenty one and still a college senior. She had no clue about anything. The Saks interview, she was twenty four and applying for a job she was not qualified for but now she was twenty six. She had life experience now, at least she thought she did.

She sat across from Joanne and for the first time, she felt confident. It was a tough interview but she answered every question. She talked about fashion and trends and any other fashion-related topic. She felt strangely calm. She had it and by the end of the interview, she got it. She would actually be working at Bloomingdales. Her dreams were coming true and one of the second she wanted to tell was Chandler. He had kicked her into doing this. He had convinced her to quit her job and go after what she wanted. She had quit because he had encouraged it although when she told him, his reaction wasn't quite what she wanted. Over a celebratory dinner that night, Ross, Monica, Phoebe and Joey were excited and happy but Chandler seemed withdrawn and sad. Her heart sank when he excused himself to go to the bathroom.

"He's sick," Ross whispered, noticing Rachel's look.

"But-"

"He can't be happy for you, he's too stuck in his disease," Ross said. "Just be happy he's here."

Rachel nodded and got up. She walked towards the restrooms and waited for him to emerge. When Chandler walked out, he looked stunned to see her waiting for him.

"I got the job because you pushed me. If you hadn't pushed me to quit, this would never have happened. I don't know what's going on but you have to stop. Just stop hurting yourself. I love too much and I can't….what are you doing?" Rachel asked.

"Nothing. I'm not on anything."

"You look like you weigh four pounds."

"I'm fine. Congrats, Rach," Chandler said, hugging her. When they stopped hugging, Rachel noticed Ross had approached them. Chandler grinned and walked off, back towards the group. Ross approached Rachel, looking concerned.

"This is your night," Ross said.

"He's killing himself. Why aren't we doing anything?"

"He's not ready."

"You know...it was a lot easier when I didn't give a shit about him. This is tough."

"I know, but you're not doing this alone and tonight, is about you. You got a job at Bloomingdales. That's pretty cool."

"It is. Oh, G-d. Brian would be proud of me."

"Oh, he would be."

"I am working in fashion. I made it. I actually made it. This is happening for me. I'm gonna be in fashion. Oh, it's gonna be good but Chandler-"

"We'll fix it."

"If he dies-"

"We're not letting him die. Hey, I trusted you….do you trust me?"

"Yeah."

"Then trust me."

Rachel nodded as she and Ross shared a kiss before returning to the table. 1997 was going to be okay, she was in a great relationship and she was officially starting her career in fashion. It was going to go exactly how she had always hoped it would go.


	31. Chapter 31

February 1997

She never saw it coming. Maybe she should have. Maybe she should have looked at her track record with relationships and seen it coming. She didn't. Not with him, not with Ross. He had gotten so jealous, so possessive. He was convinced she was cheating on him with Mark. He lit her desk on fire….accidentally, but he still lit it on fire. Maybe she should not have been working so much, but she had to work that much. She had dreamed of that job, dreamt of it and once she began, she quickly learned how to do it. She was new to everything and this was far more complicated than pouring coffee at Central Perk. There were reports, tracking, multi-tasking and she was working late, always working late. She hoped Ross would understand, hoped he'd get it, hoped the jealousy would die down and he wouldn't go crazy and light her desk on her fire. Maybe she should not have said those words, "we should take a break". Taking a break, she never wanted to take a break. She was annoyed, she was angry and now she had been cheated on. Gunther had told her. She shook as he told her. Her breath getting caught in her throat. Was she really that girl? The girl that guys could easily cheat on. Chip. Barry. Paolo. Ross. They all cheated, they all crushed her…..although Ross crushed her most of all.

"We were on a break," Ross said as they stood in her apartment. They had been arguing back and forth for hours. She had cried, she had thrown things at him and now she was numb, truly numb.

"So that was an invitation to cheat on me? She was in your apartment….when I was there. What the hell is wrong with you?" Rachel asked, still crying. It killed her, truly destroyed her.

"Rach," Ross said, moving towards her, reaching towards her. He grabbed her arm, she moved away.

"No, no….I gave up everything. I gave up old friends, a life...and now...what do….why would you do this? Why would you destroy us?"

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry...if I thought-I thought we were broken up and-she meant nothing to me. You-you mean everything to me. You've always meant everything to me."

"When I was waitress."

"What?"

"When I was just a waitress, right?"

"No, no...please, you know I'm proud of you."

"I almost lost my job because of you. You set my desk on fire. This means everything to me. You meant everything to me."

"Meant?"

"I never thought….I never thought you would do this."

She felt sick, truly sick. Ross looked angry, sad as he pleaded but she could not speak. She could not deal with him, could not look at him and the arguing continued. Hour after hour, she had a feeling Monica, Chandler, Joey and Phoebe were in Monica's room but she honestly didn't care. She didn't care about any of it anymore. Everything was falling apart, the world she had worked so hard to build was imploding. She wondered what now? Would she have to move out? She doubted this would be her home anymore. Monica would choose her brother, they would all choose Ross. None of it mattered and she was losing her family. She was quite certain.

"I think you need to leave," Rachel said, whispering.

"No. No, Rach. I can't leave. No, if I leave...then...then what about us?"

"I can't. There's no us."

"Then...what now?"

"I don't know."

"I don't want this to end. This can't end. I'm so sorry, I'm-"

"You're just like the others. You're just like Chip and Barry and Paolo."

"No, I'm not. I'm not like those guys….I love you so much," Ross said, "please-"

"You really have to leave now, please."

Ross walked towards her and grabbed her, held her tightly as she cried. This had to end. She needed it to end. She had to be strong. She stood silently as Ross pleaded, begged. She needed him to leave, she needed to be left alone.

When he finally left, she sat on the couch. She briefly stared at Monica's closed door but was in no mood to see the others. It was over, all over. Maybe she could leave? Maybe she could go somewhere and start over? She would be kicked out of the group. Why would they want her now? Chandler and Phoebe would be fine with her leaving, Joey would get over it and Monica….well, Monica would always choose Ross. Ross was her brother and she could easily leave. Rachel curled up on the couch, feeling her heart break.

This felt worse than Barry or Chip or Paolo. She had trusted Ross. She had given him her heart, he had been there for her when she needed him but it began to strike her as odd. When she needed someone, when she was struggling, he was there. When she was no longer struggling, he turned into a crazy person. Did he only like her when he felt superior? None of this made sense.

She must have fallen asleep on the couch. Soon, she felt someone gently shake her. She opened her eyes and Monica was staring at her, her eyes filled with worry.

"He cheated on me."

"I know. I know."

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" Monica asked.

"I can't….do you want me to move out?"

"Why would I want that?"

"'Cause...'cause well…."

"Honey, you're not moving out. You're my sister."

"Really?"

"I'm not letting you go. Gellers don't give up on the ones they love, right?"

Rachel nodded as Monica stayed with her. She soon fell back to sleep. She wanted to sleep forever. Sleep until she could turn back time, remembering what life was like before Ross. Before it got complicated.

She woke up feeling numb. She was curled up on the couch, feeling hollow as if someone had gutted her.

"Coffee?" Phoebe asked walking towards her and sat next to her, handing Rachel coffee.

"What are you doing here," Rachel whispered, drinking her coffee.

"Mon told me to come over early to stay with you. She's going back and forth between here and Ross'. She didn't want you to be alone. The guys are at Ross'."

"Oh."

"Rach."

"I think I should go."

"Where?"

"I don't know but I don't think I fit here anymore. Ross is an original member of this group. I was just some chick who ran out on her wedding. I don't matter much."

"Are you effin' kidding me, Green?" Phoebe asked.

"What?" Rachel asked, confused.

"Okay, it's taken me several years to like you. You cannot run out now."

"But...I mean….if-when I moved in, Mon said you were all on her side so if I screwed up again, I would be out."

"Yeah, if you fuck over Monica, sure….but that doesn't apply to Ross. Ross is just Ross."

"What is wrong with me? Why did he cheat and….maybe I should quit my job?"

"Once again, are you fucking kidding me, Green. Okay, who is the boss of you?"

"You."

"Well, maybe for right now….if Ross is too stupid to see what an amazing person he has then he doesn't deserve you," Phoebe said.

"Thank you," Rachel said. "I feel so sad."

"I know."

"I gave up everything and...and…laugh for me."

"What?" Phoebe asked.

"When you laugh, it makes me feel good."

"That's sweet."

"I remember the first time I heard your laugh when I was volunteering at the soup kitchen," Rachel said, trying to grin. Phoebe just stared at her.

"You did not volunteer."

"Yes, I did."

"You stood inside the building."

"Same thing."

"Not really."

"Hmmm…"

"And….there hasn't been a lot to laugh at lately."

Rachel nodded, understanding her completely. She smiled weakly at Phoebe who gently stroked Rachel's hair. It was strange, never in her life did she think she'd be friends with a girl like Phoebe. Phoebe was wildly different than she was, complete opposite, yet she loved Phoebe like a sister.

"If I left the group, would you come with me?" Rachel asked.

"Of course, but Mon would track us down."

Just then, the door opened and slammed shut. Rachel looked up and saw Monica storming towards them. She plopped down in the big chair and let out a very annoyed sigh.

"He got drunk in his room, alone last night," Monica said.

"Ross?" Rachel asked, confused.

"Chandler," Monica said.

"What?"

"Last night, when you and Ross were breaking up, the rest of us were in Monica's room and we were in there so long that Chandler starting having withdrawals," Phoebe said.

"And he lied...he stared me straight in the eyes and lied," Monica said.

"And he tried to punch Joey in the face," Phoebe said.

"Excuse me?" Rachel asked.

"Joey admitted he had been flushing Chandler's drugs down the toilet and Chandler tried to punch him in face and the Joey pinned him against the fridge," Phoebe said. "And then Monica and I came in and Mon, you and Chandler went to the roof to talk. What did he say?"

"Stuff," Monica said, shifting uncomfortably. "He um...he...let's just say, he doesn't always say the nicest things when he gets like that, so out of respect for him….I don't want to repeat what he said but….he just needs to get well. Quickly."

Rachel gave Monica a look. She knew Monica well enough to know when she was hiding something and she was pretty sure Chandler has said something that Monica was keeping to herself. It almost made it worse. She let out a pained sigh.

"I think I should leave the group. I've made a mess of everything," Rachel said.

"Seriously? Where the hell would you go?" Monica asked.

"I don't know. I wanna visit Brian," Rachel said.

"We can do that," Monica said.

"Why does Chandler hate himself so much and why is Ross stupid?" Rachel asked, tears filling her eyes again. Monica moved towards the couch and hugged her as she cried. Phoebe joined in the hug and Rachel felt surround by her two surrogate sisters. She truly loved them, she knew she would not be going anywhere but she felt horrible, gutted.

She stood at his grave, between Phoebe and Monica. She was happy that they had come with her. She knelt down and Monica and Phoebe knelt with her, comforting her.

"Hi, Brian," Rachel said, gently running her hands over the grass. There were weeds and the grave really looked like no one had visited, which truly killed her. "So...I'm working in fashion. I actually aced an interview. I'm working at Bloomingdales. Oh, these are my friends. Phoebe, she's the girl I told you about who I met when I volunteered at the soup kitchen."

"You didn't volunteer," Monica said.

"You're lying to ghost….that's like really bad karma," Phoebe said.

"Fine, Phoebe is the girl I told you about whom I met when I stood inside the building that housed a soup kitchen." Rachel said.

"Much better," Monica said.

"Whatever..Phoebe still has that laugh, though."

"I would have liked to have met Brian," Phoebe said.

"He would have liked you. He said that you were living...you truly lived. I thought you were just homeless," Rachel said.

"I was," Phoebe said.

"Oh, and Brian...I'm friends with Monica. She's amazing and we eat Twinkies and I'm lucky. But….well, my boyfriend cheated on me. I guess that makes every guy I've dated...and Chandler, he's...it's just...how do I help him? I….I wish I had known you were sick. I would have done something. I'm sorry," Rachel cried as Monica and Phoebe each grabbed one of Rachel's hands. She wanted the pain to fade, to go away but she wasn't sure what she was supposed to do or how she would ever feel whole again.

Days went by, she and Ross could not be in the same room. The other four would go back and forth between them and Rachel tried to stay longer at work. She hated how tense things were and she did contemplate running, but she knew she'd have nowhere else to go. In a moment of weakness, she had actually confided in her sister, Amy, about what was going on. She cried over lunch, telling her how upset she was about Ross and how awkward everything was and in another moment of weakness or a moment of rare niceness, Amy suggested Rachel use her the cabin that one of her former boyfriends had gotten her as a present. Rachel took her up on the offer. She needed to get out of the city, they all needed to get out of the city. She invited Phoebe, Joey, Chandler and Monica which of course, pissed off Ross but she didn't care. She wanted Ross to be pissed. She was pissed at Ross.

Of course, once at the cabin, she could barely sleep. Chandler was looking even sicker and was now smoking as well. She hated this, hated how the group she loved was now falling apart. She tried to sleep that first night, but every single time she closed her eyes, she thought of Chandler or Ross and she felt sad again. She needed to talk to Monica. She needed to wake Monica up. She knew Monica was upset as well. Rachel got out of bed and walked towards her bag that was on the window seat. As she reached in for the box of Twinkies, she looked outside her window and noticed Phoebe and Chandler talking on the patio below her. She was curious as to what they might be discussing and thought of joining them but thought against it. If anyone could talk sense into Chandler, Phoebe could.

Rachel walked out of her room and towards Monica's. She peered in and smiled, happy her friend was awake and it did occur to her that the only person asleep was Joey and she felt jealous.

"Twinkie?" Rachel asked as she walked into the room. Monica nodded as Rachel lay next to her and the two proceeded to eat, "You know, these are kinda disgusting." Rachel said, taking a bite.

"Yeah….I'll have more than one though."

"Me too. Chandler's completely hooked on drugs, isn't he?" Rachel asked, knowing she was asking the obvious.

"Yep. Rachel, I can't date a drug addict. That's why it will never work."

"I understand," Rachel said and there was a small part of her that hoped Monica and Chandler wouldn't date. If they dated and broke up as well, she was sure that would be the end of the group although she wasn't sure that was correct.

"Are you ever going to forgive my brother?" Monica asked. Rachel let out sigh. She was furious at him but she missed him.

"Probably. I hate men."

"I miss Richard."

"Not gonna lie, me too. G-d, you know….I never really told you this but I liked your brother growing up."

"I kinda knew that."

Rachel stared at her Twinkie and broke it apart. She remembered those childhood moments with Ross. Those moments where she felt safe. He always seemed to just know her, seemed to get her.

"I remember during your Bat Mitzvah and we danced together and it was that typical middle school, a foot between us dancing and oh, G-d he made me laugh and I felt….in that brief moment, you know, I forgot about Nancy and Mindy and the person I was supposed to be and I just...and that night when I was allowed to come over after the store was robbed and I sat with Ross and he just made me feel good. What the hell happened?"

"I don't think he loved you."

"Huh?" Rachel asked, confused. What was that supposed to mean? Of course he loved her, at least she thought he had.

"No...I think he loved the fantasy of you. Rach, you were his fantasy. He didn't see the bitch that I or Chandler or Phoebe saw."

"Gee, thank you," Rachel said, sarcastically.

"No, what I meant is he saw you as perfect and I think he got possessive and jealous and he shouldn't have. Maybe it will get better."

"I hope so. Maybe I should invite him up here."

"Really?"

"I don't want to but….Chandler needs our help. He's needs all of us and you and Ross have been through this with him before so maybe…."

"That's up to you," Monica said as Phoebe appeared in the doorway.

"I threw out Chandler's pills. He said it's his last bottle. I don't if that's the truth or not….but I threw it out into the night and probably killed some wildlife and now I'm sad," Phoebe said.

"Awww, Pheebs. Come, sit with us and have a Twinkie," Rachel said, motioning her over. Phoebe walked over and plopped on to the bed. Monica handed her a Twinkie which Phoebe happily took and began eating.

"So, Mon...if Chandler's telling the truth and that really was his last bottle of pills...we are here for an entire weekend, what's gonna happen now?" Rachel asked.

"Oh, it's gonna be rough. We're gonna have to take turns watching him, making sure he's okay. He can't be alone while he's going through this."

"Worst camping trip ever," Rachel mused as she grabbed another Twinkie.

"Yep," Monica said as the three continued to lie there, "Where's he now?"

"In his room. He and Joey are sharing a room so…." Phoebe began.

"Yeah, alright I'm gonna wake up Joey and we will talk-"

"No, let me Mon," Phoebe said, "he sleeps too soundly. I know how to wake him up without accidentally getting smacked in the face."

Phoebe got up and walked out only to come back with Joey a few moments later. Joey sat on the bed as Monica proceeded to give instructions on what to expect if Chandler was indeed going through withdrawals. As Monica spoke, Rachel knew what she needed to do. She knew Monica wouldn't do it and Rachel didn't want to but she had to, she had to call him.

Chandler had been telling the truth. Soon after Phoebe threw out his last bottle, he began feeling sick. Rachel, Phoebe, Joey and Monica each spent time taking care of him, watching him as he spent most of his time curled up by the toilet. Rachel felt awful for him and she knew Ross needed to be there. It took every ounce of her to pick up that phone and when she heard his voice, she felt a mixture of sickness and sadness.

"Hello?" Ross asked, several times before Rachel could find her voice..

"Ross, it's me. So, Chandler is going through withdrawals 'cause Phoebe threw out his pills and….he was….well, Monica is helping him but well, you and Mon have been through this before and I think you should come so Mon isn't the only one in charge."

"Really?"

"Ross….I want him to be okay."

"He will be. You want me to come up there?"

"Yeah. For him, not me."

"I know."

Rachel let out a sigh. This needed to get easier. They needed to move forward. For angry as she was, she didn't want to completely lose him. He was still Ross. Ross was not like Chip or Paolo or Barry...Ross was...Ross.

"Are we going to be okay? I know...I'm still mad but eventually….I still want us to be friends. I don't want to lose you."

"You're never gonna lose me and I am-I'm sorry. I was….it...I'm very sorry."

"I know. I can't believe you set fire to my desk."

"I'm glad you're working at Bloomingdales. You're in fashion. It's what you want," Ross said.

"Thank you."

"I'll be there after I spend the day with Ben."

"Okay."

"In the meantime, watch _Spaceballs_ and _Airplane_ and _Weekend at Bernies_ and everything else with him and keep him alive," Ross said.

"I didn't bring the movies."

"He did."

"Ross."

"Check his bag."

Rachel let out a sigh and placed the phone down. She walked to Chandler and Joey's room and grabbed Chandler's bag. She opened it and looked through it. Her heart dropped when she saw that he had indeed packed not only _Spaceballs,_ _Airplane_ and _Weekend at Bernies_ but also _Young Frankenstein_, _Blazing Saddles_ and _Animal House_. All the movies they had watched together during her first night with the rest of the group. She felt herself starting to cry again. She reached for the phone by Chandler's bed and picked it up.

"How the hell do you know these things?" Rachel asked.

"I know my friends."

"I still hate you right now."

"I know you do….but I know it's temporary."

"Shut up.

Rachel could hear Ross letting out a snort. She wanted to strangle him, but at the same time, wanted to reach through the phone and hug him. She hated that it was so complicated. Her relationships were always so complicated. After hanging up with Ross, she picked up _Spaceballs_ and held it close to her.

"Hey, you alright?" Joey asked as he walked back into the room. Rachel looked at him and immediately started to cry. Joey walked towards her and wrapped his arms around her, hugging him as she sobbed. She held onto his shirt as he continued hugging her. "It's gonna be okay, Rach."

"It's….he brought the movies...Chandler and then Ross was just…."

"It's gonna be okay."

"How do you know?"

"I know."

"I'm gonna go find Chandler. I watch _Spaceballs_."

Rachel stepped back, gripping the movie in her hands. She walked out of the room and back downstairs. After hanging up the phone downstairs and grabbing a blanket off the couch, she walked towards the bathroom where she saw Monica and Chandler. Monica looked sad and Chandler was resting against the toilet.

"Hey...are you feeling better?" Rachel asked.

"Ehhh," Chandler said.

"I'm depressed and I wanna watch _Spaceballs_ and you haven't done that with me yet and that makes me mad so if you're not feeling pukey...let's watch," Rachel said. Chandler smiled as he looked over at Monica.

"I'll get you a bucket," Monica said as she helped him walk towards Rachel. Rachel grabbed hold of him as she placed a blanket around both their shoulders and they walked towards the couch. He lay down and Rachel set up the movie and sat next to him.

"You're too thin," Rachel remarked. "I want my cuddly Chandler back."

"I know."

"And...hey, you know...I never thanked you."

"For what?" Chandler asked.

"I quit Central Perk because of you. I got my dream job because you pushed me to be better and now I'm gonna return the favor."

"Thanks," Chandler said.

"Here you go," Monica said, returning with a bucket.

"Oh, I called Ross. He's coming up here after he spends the day with Ben," Rachel said.

"You did?" Monica asked.

"I had too. I mean, I'm mad and angry and all but...Chandler's sick and we need all of us. We're a group of six, right?" Rachel asked, smiling.

"Thanks, Rach," Chandler said.

"You're part of us, Chandler. Please don't leave. If you left and...I mean, I never thought I'd say this...but if you left...my G-d...I know I'd fall apart. Please get well," Rachel said.

"I'm getting there."

"And stop lying to us, jackass," Monica muttered.

"That too."

Rachel smiled as she pressed play. She snuggled up next to him as they watched the movie. Joey and Phoebe soon joined them as did Ross. It was still tense, Rachel did not speak to Ross and they all took turns taking care of Chandler. While the circumstance wasn't great, she liked it when it was her turn to sit with Chandler. It felt nice to just sit and talk with her friend.

"How are you feeling?" Rachel asked as she sat on the floor, watching him. The group had stayed a few extra days because Chandler had been feeling too sick to go home.

"A little better. How are you?"

"Ross and I aren't talking."

"I know but thanks for calling him."

"I had to, I should have been there the first time."

"Naw, if you had come the first time, that would've made me sicker," Chandler grinned. Rachel laughed, knowing he was messing with her.

"Hey," Rachel said, "loser."

"You might be right."

"No, no, that's not our friendship. Fight back. Tell me to run off a cliff."

"Run off cliff, Princess Coyote."

"Thank you."

"Make me laugh," Chandler said. Rachel cocked her head to the side and looked at him.

"What?"

"Make me laugh. Everything has been so serious. Monica wants to talk. Phoebe wants to talk. Ross wants to talk. Joey wants to eat pizza. You're almost as funny as I am. Make me laugh."

"Really? Almost?"

"Second funniest. I mean, I'm number one, of course."

"Of course."

"But you have potential. You're competition."

"Hmmm, that's high praise coming you Bing. Okay, let's discuss your peanut butter prank."

"I apologized for that."

"No, not the second time. The time at camp. Let's just be honest. That's the dumbest, stupidest prank in the world."

"You take that back."

"No. It was stupid. Okay, first of all, it hardens and you had to go on the assumption that I would just fall into my bed and-"

"Which you did."

"Stupid," Rachel grinned. "Dumb."

"Well. you wanted to pee in my bed."

"I did not want to pee in your bed….although, I kinda want to now."

"Well, what would you have done?" Chandler asked.

"Get like shaving cream or something."

"I didn't have shaving cream."

"Steal it. Where did you get the peanut butter? What? You just brought it to camp?"

Chandler laughed and Rachel couldn't help but smile and laugh as well. It had been rough the last few weeks but it was nice to finally just laugh.

Their last night, Chandler was finally feeling better and Monica decided to make a dinner to celebrate the end of their camping trip. It was still awkward, sitting there with Ross. It dawned on her that the six of them had not sat together in weeks and it made her sad.

"Hey...can I say something," Chandler said as he picked up his water glass. The group looked at him. "Um….I know it's been rough but um….I'm glad you guys are here and you helped me through this. Thank you."

The group exchanged looks as they clicked their glasses together and continued eating. Monica had made macaroni and cheese. Rachel kept poking at it, eating it slowly. She wanted the tension to stop, the awkwardness had to stop.

"So, Joe," Ross began, "is true you have mob ties?"

Rachel looked up. She looked at Monica who was grinning and then at Ross. What was he talking about?

"What?" Chandler asked.

"Excuse me?" Rachel asked.

Joey grinned, "Hey, I had friends before you guys. I may or may not know some people."

"You used to work in construction. Oh, was that a front?" Phoebe asked.

"Did you ever whack people?" Chandler asked.

"Could you whack us?" Ross asked.

"Do you know what that means?" Joey asked. "And I never whacked anyone….I just...I may have some relatives who are in, you know, the...what they call the sanitation business. If you know what I mean."

"Whoa…." Phoebe said.

"Wait, but...if you're really a mobster," Chandler said.

"I'm not a mobster," Joey tried.

"Yeah, if you are….how come your sister had to hit me and not you," Chandler said.

""Cause I'd break you in half," Joey said.

"Oh, yeah, yeah….oh, well-" Chandler said.

"You really wanna try me, Bing?" Joey asked.

"No," Chandler said.

The others began to pump Joey for information about his past. Rachel hung on every word and soon the tension was melting away. The awkwardness was melting away and the six were coming back together and that was the most important thing. Those five were her family and whatever happened, whatever drama occurred, they would always be her family.


	32. Chapter 32

Thank you to those who are reading this! Hopefully, there are more than are reviewing….also to the person who said Rachel and Chandler were never close on the show-Chandler never had a drug addiction on the show either….so artistic freedom! :) Please review though...people!

March 1997-May 1997

She couldn't do this. Mark was perfectly nice. She liked that they could talk about fashion in depth. Conversations about spring and summer trends made for perfect dinner conversation. She loved that she finally had a friend that was not part of that group, but she just could not do it. It wasn't him, it was her. She missed Ross and yet, she was also still furious. Her feelings were a mess. If she went out with Mark, that would prove Ross right. Ross had been so crazy jealous, he had been so convinced she wanted to date Mark and if she did, would that make him right? Then again, why did she have to care? She wasn't dating Ross anymore and that thought made her sad. Simply, sad.

"It's not going to work," Rachel said as she sat with Phoebe and Monica at the Boxcar Lounge, sipping fancy cocktails and discussing their favorite topic. The boys.

"Mark's nice, though," Phoebe said.

"Yeah, but Ross was so freaked that we were going to break up because I wanted Mark. If I date Mark, then he's right," Rachel said.

"Why do you care?" Phoebe asked, a little annoyed.

"'Cause that's Rachel," Monica said.

"Or Rachem," Phoebe joked back.

"Exactly," Monica laughed. Rachel tried her best to look irritated.

"What?" Rachel asked.

"Why do you care so much about what anyone thinks?" Phoebe asks.

"Because people have eyeballs and judge and I do and shut up," Rachel said.

"But you shouldn't. Look, do what you want. If you wanna date Mark….then date him and leave us the hell alone," Phoebe grinned.

"I don't think I can," Rachel said.

"Why not?" Phoebe asked.

"He's not Ross," Rachel said.

"Then maybe you're not ready," Monica said.

"Yeah and I'm not sure when I'm going to be," Rachel said, taking a sip of her drink. "Hmmm, you know….let's discuss something else. Please. Let's move on to Chandler and Joey."

"Joey has a hard on for a girl in that play he's in," Phoebe said.

"Kate. I know, it's amazing. He has a such a crush on her," Rachel grinned. "He's so cute when he talks about her."

"I didn't realize he was capable of having a crush on anyone," Phoebe said.

"So sweet. He's like a little boy when he talks about her. Yesterday, he told me that she smells like roses and cookies. I almost died," Rachel said.

"Our little Joey is growing up," Phoebe cooed.

"He's come a long way since stripping naked in my apartment," Monica laughed.

Rachel's feelings for all three of the boys seemed to be changing as she got older. Her feelings for Ross were complicated, her feelings for Chandler were more protective and then there was Joey. She had always loved Joey, or liked him or tolerated him. He was sweet but while she would never admit it publicly, she liked Ross and Chandler more. Joey was hot but could be a pig and seemed to love hitting on girls or sleeping with them and never calling them back and she always just liked him from a distance. There was something about this crush though that was humanizing Joey. It gave him heart and it was nice.

"Okay, and now Chandler….can you now tell us what he said to you when you talked on the roof?" Phoebe asked.

"No, no….I won't, I can't," Monica said.

"Why not?" Phoebe asked.

"'Cause you will kill him and he would kill me for telling you. Chandler's sensitive, he doesn't want you guys hating him. In his world, Pheebs, he wants you to just walk around laughing at everything he says-"

"I do," Phoebe grinned.

"And Rach, he wants you to continue being his friend."

"I will."

"So, then….just let him get well and thank you, for helping him to quit smoking," Monica said.

"That was hilarious," Phoebe said. Rachel had to agree. It was funny, in an attempt to get Chandler to stop smoking, she gave him a hypnosis tape that apparently brought out the feminine side in Chandler. It was Joey who had discovered the power of the tape.

Rachel had picked the weekly lunch spot for herself and Chandler. Ever since she began working at Bloomingdales, weekly lunches became their thing. She looked forward to it every week. She knew Joey and Phoebe had monthly dinners and Ross and Monica had breakfast or lunch together every couple of weeks, so it made sense that she would have lunch with Chandler. They would gossip, talk, share stuff they couldn't tell the others. Chandler was still quite thin, after all he had only been off the drugs for a month. Rachel was determined to fatten him up again, so she chose a burger joint between both their offices and while he was in the bathroom, ordered him a double bacon cheeseburger and chili cheese fries while she ordered a salad.

"Okay, I didn't die from the drugs so you're trying to kill me by clogging my arteries?" Chandler asked when the food arrived.

"You're way too thin."

"It's been a month."

"I'm speeding up the process, Bing."

"I'm not complaining," Chandler said, taking a bite of his burger.

"How are you feeling?"

"Better. I'm having fun watching Joey go crazy over that Kate girl."

"He really is falling for her, isn't her?"

"The other day, I saw him write Kate Tribbiani on a napkin."

"Awwww," Rachel cooed. "He's becoming a person."

"So, tell me about Pete," Chandler said, sticking a fry in his mouth. Rachel gave him a look. Recently, Monica had been seeing a guy who was a customer at her restaurant. A billionaire named, Pete Becker.

"He's rich."

"And?"

"She just started seeing him and I don't know how interested she is," Rachel said.

"Do you think it could turn into something?"

"I don't know."

"Do you think I screwed up? Do you think-"

"Chandler, what did you say to her on the roof? The night Ross and I broke up. Mon won't tell us. What did you say?"

"Nothing."

"You weren't nice?"

"Not entirely."

"Alright, I don't know what is going on with her and Pete but you need to get well and you need to put weight back on and you need to understand that all of us love you. You need to know that."

"I know."

"Have another cheeseburger."

"No."

"Chandler."

"No means no," Chandler said, rather sternly. Rachel laughed as she stole a fry from his plate. After lunch, he walked her back to her office which she always found sweet although she was quite certain that the only reason he walked her back was because he thought the lingerie was in her office, so instead she gave him any lingerie catalogs she could find. What she didn't expect though was that her boss, Joanna to take a liking to Chandler. She wasn't sure she wanted to set him up, but it was her boss and she felt trapped and was happy Chandler said yes but she worried about Monica so on the night of the date between Chandler and Joanna, she, Phoebe and Monica found themselves back at the Boxcar for drinks that Rachel bought.

"Are you sure you're okay with this?" Rachel asked.

"I'm fine with this. I have Pete," Monica said.

"How are things going with him by the way?" Phoebe asked.

"Ehhh," Monica said, "look, Chandler is allowed to date. I want him to date. I want him to move on….from me. I want him to….move on."

"You want him to move on?" Rachel asked.

"I don't want to date an addict. I love Chandler. I do, I so do….but it is so hard and difficult and I don't….I like Pete. Let me like Pete," Monica said.

Rachel and Phoebe exchanged looks and continued their gossiping. She wondered how true that was, if Monica really was ready to move on from Chandler? She wasn't sure how much she believed it. Part of it felt it was as truthful as Rachel saying she was over Ross and she truly did not feel she was. She so wanted to be but it was awkward, everything was awkward. Every single time she would see him, they would just stare at each other. She had thought giving him back his stuff would help, but it became an argument. She wasn't sure what she felt anymore. This break-up was so much more difficult than it was with Chip or Paolo or Barry. She had to see Ross everyday. She had to interact with him, be civil with him….not hate him.

Ross was making it difficult to hate him. He was making it so hard for her to finally just forget about him. First, he gave her his favorite shirt. She slept with it under her pillow. Then there was the Discovery Channel. She had cracked a rib, thanks to Monica. Monica had crashed into her on roller skates and Rachel was in pain. Ross helped her, he took her to the hospital, spent the entire evening with her and it wasn't until after the ordeal, she found out what he had missed for her.

"Ross," Rachel said as they stood, facing each other in her apartment. He stared at the floor as she walked towards him.

"It's fine."

"Why...but-"

"You needed me," Ross said. "Look, I should go."

"No, no, please….let's talk."

"I wanna go home."

"I wanna talk, please," Rachel said. "We need to talk."

Rachel pointed towards the balcony. Ross nodded. Monica and Chandler had the roof for their private talks, they seemed to have the balcony. The two stepped out onto the balcony and sat at the table Monica had set up because she felt that with it getting warmer, there needed be a table and chairs out there for dining.

"You needed me," Ross said, matter of factly. Rachel let out a snort as she shook her head.

"You know….you make it hard for me to hate you."

"I know."

"You're always there when I need you. Always there when I need help."

"'Cause...well, why wouldn't I be?" Ross said. Rachel smiled at him and let out a sigh as thought entered her mind. He was always there when she was struggling. When she was lost or needed help, he was there but what about when she wasn't struggling?

"Ross, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"When I got in trouble after Olivia's was robbed, you were there to comfort me. When you thought I wasn't going to have a date for my prom, you were going to take me. When I slashed Chandler's tires, you covered for me. When I went to the hospital to see Monica after she fainted, you were there. Before and after I ran out on my wedding, you were always there. You've been there when I was struggling, when I was lost, when I was sad…..but when I got my dream career, when I was no longer sad or struggling….you acted like a crazy, jealous person. Do you only like me if I'm struggling?"

"Of course not."

"That's what it feels like."

"No, no...you needed my help tonight so-"

"So you were there."

"Rachel, no….I am so proud of you and what you've accomplished already. I am still sorry. I am. I don't...you've changed and it's good, it's fantastic….it's the new you."

"I want us to be okay."

"We will be. I know I get weird around you. I like you so much and I don't….I don't know how to act normal with you."

"Then maybe that's why we shouldn't be together. You know, I look at Monica and Chandler and I know they're not a couple yet even though we're convinced they will be but….I'm jealous looking at what they have. They have friendship and we have intensity and drama and we're closing in on thirty and I want friendship."

"You've got friendship."

"Okay...well, does our bet still stand?"

"Oh, yes but….since you are now a career woman, I say we raise the stakes."

"How so?"

"Well, let's make it two hundred dollars Monica and Chandler get together in '99."

"1998, I'm still on 1998. I mean, Pete is awesome but they're getting a little closer."

"Deal….and don't be jealous of Monica and Chandler. What we have is so much better."

"How? You cheated on me."

"We were on a break."

"Bite me."

"We are better. I mean, Chandler has addiction problems and Monica's a nut," Ross said, grinning.

"True."

"By the way, Chandler told me what you had for lunch. If the drugs and alcohol don't kill him, are you thinking clogging his arteries will be a better solution?"

"He needs to gain weight."

"I agree."

"Do you think this is the last time he'll do this?" Rachel asked.

"Nope."

"You don't?"

"I don't. I think he quit this time because Phoebe got rid of his last bottle…I don't think it's last time we're gonna go through it."

"How do you know this?" Rachel asked.

"'Cause I'm annoying like that."

"You really are."

"I didn't like you because I thought you needed help," Ross said. Rachel looked at him, confused. She wasn't sure they were still on that topic.

"What?"

"I liked you because….you're you."

"Thank you….well, I am sorry about the Discovery Channel."

"You should be…..that could have been my big break."

"For what?"

"For….things."

"What things?" Rachel asked.

"You don't know."

"Were you going to wear the fried chicken outfit?"

"That was a classy outfit," Ross argued.

"If you're Colonel Sanders."

"It was sophisticated and sexy….chicks and chickens would have loved me."

"You keep telling yourself that but the next time you go on TV, tell me and I will take shopping."

"I don't want to go shopping with you."

"Why not?"

"'Cause it's boring."

"Oh and dinosaur lectures are just a thrill."

"Yes."

Rachel laughed as the two continued talk out on the balcony. They talked for hours and Rachel realized it was one of the first times the two had ever really talked. She felt like she really got to know Ross, know him on a level she hadn't really known him before and before he left for the evening, she found herself falling again. Falling for Ross and she didn't get it, why did he have this power over her? Why couldn't she just let go?

When Phoebe set Ross up with her friend, Bonnie, she was seething. She didn't want him with anyone else. Bonnie was was wild and crazy and she knew Phoebe would be pissed if Rachel messed up the relationship Bonnie and Ross were beginning to have but she couldn't help herself. When the group headed out to the beach a few weeks after Rachel's twenty seventh birthday, she was flirting with Ross. Phoebe was consumed with a woman who lived in a beach house nearby, apparently that woman was Phoebe's real mom and Rachel knew she should be there for her friend instead of focusing on Ross, but she could not help it. She was determined to get Ross back and so with some manipulation, some convincing, she got Bonnie to shave her head which quickly put an end to Ross and Bonnie's relationship. She knew she should feel bad, Bonnie was nice but there was a pull, a pull between her and Ross and she felt no one else should get in their way.


	33. Chapter 33

**May 1997-December 1997**

And just like that, it was over between her and Ross. There had been that brief moment at the beach when it felt like everything would finally be rekindled. Why couldn't he admit it? They were on a break and even if they hadn't been on a break, he cheated. He had gone from her to some slutty copy machine girl. Ross' refusal to admit he was wrong led to another fight and them breaking up for good. There was no turning back this time. They were completely done and she wanted to go out with Phoebe and Monica to vent but both seemed to have plans. Monica had dinner plans with Chandler. He had apparently found a restaurant that served jellyfish rolls and he was desperate to take Monica out to dinner. Phoebe had plans with Bonnie which made Rachel feel guilty. In all the craziness, she had forgotten that Bonnie was Phoebe's friend and in her attempts to get Ross back, she had hurt the best friend of one of her best friends. She had wanted to go with them to dinner but decided against it so Rachel ended up spending the evening alone with that feeling that once again she really needed to get other friends.

In the midst of her evening alone, Ross stopped by. She didn't want to talk to him but she had no one else. He came by with Chinese food and the two sat on the balcony, talking over wine and noodles.

"Happy almost birthday," Ross said as he ate some chow mein from a white cardboard box. Rachel smiled. She would be celebrating her twenty seventh birthday in a few days.

"Thanks."

"Look...about what happened-"

"We were not on a break," Rachel said.

"You said that we should take a break from us."

"Not break up. Just a break….from us….I'm not arguing about this again and okay, besides even if you thought we were legitimately broken up, you slept with another woman like what, an hour later? That's the bottom line. That it what is pissing me off. You're a cheater."

"I am not a cheater," Ross said.

"You cheated on Julie and Bonnie and-"

"I cheated on Julie and Bonnie with you."

"And Bonnie is a friend of Phoebe's. That's where Phoebe is tonight, she's taking care of her friend who is hurt by….us. Oh, G-d…..what the hell is wrong with us?" Rachel asked.

"I don't know. Is Bonnie really hurt?"

"Phoebe said she was. It's just….should we be together or should we not? I love you, Ross….I do but-"

"I don't know."

"I thought you knew everything," Rachel said.

"I don't know everything….just ninety eight percent of things."

"Mmmmm."

"Am I really a cheater? I don't….I do owe Bonnie an apology."

"So do I," Rachel said as she noticed Ross' demeanor change. He seemed sad. She didn't want him to feel sad. She reached over and touched his hand, "you're not a bad guy."

"Thanks….and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I slept with the copy girl. I'm sorry I didn't wait and I acted on impulse….I'm sorry."

"I know."

Ross let out a sigh as he continued eating. The two sat in silence as they ate and continued to eat. Rachel wasn't sure what else to say to him. She felt such a surge of emotions sitting next to him. She just wished her emotions could be explained.

"So what do you think Monica and Chandler are discussing on their date?" Ross asked, grinning at her. Her mouth dropped.

"I know. They're eating jellyfish rolls and….he said he wanted to take her out because of the jellyfish sting," Rachel said.

"I can't believe he peed on her," Ross said.

"Do you think they've kissed yet?" Rachel asked.

"I don't know. I don't wanna think about that."

"They are on a date. What the hell? Why are they so stupid?"

"That's a whole other conversation."

"I guess you and I are stupid too. Maybe the only smart ones are Phoebe and Joey."

"I wouldn't go that far," Ross said.

Rachel laughed as they sat, staring out into the darkness of New York. She began thinking of her birthday. Twenty seven years old and now she was working in fashion, working at a job she finally adored. Her life was going in the way she wanted, at least professionally. Her love life, well that was another matter and she hoped that things would get easier. Somehow.

Her birthday led into summer and soon summer turned to fall, Rachel was still working at Bloomingdales and things were a little less tense with Ross, although not by much and by October, a familiar name crept back into her life thanks to Monica. Monica had been asked out by Chip Matthews and according to Monica, Chip was still stuck in high school. He was still working at that movie theater and he had apparently cheated on her with Nancy before prom. While she did find this amusing, there was part of her that found that sad. When she had broken up with Chip for good, she assumed he would have moved on and found something better and it saddened her a little that he had not which was probably why a few days after Chip had gone out with Monica, Rachel took a trip to Long Island to visit her old high school boyfriend at the movie theater and he was indeed working there. Chip immediately decided to take a break as soon as he saw her and the two headed to Scoops, that old ice cream shop that she had gone to so many times during high school. They served sandwiches now and Chip got himself a turkey sandwich, she got a tuna and paid for both as they sat across from each other.

"You miss this place?" Chip asked as Rachel looked around. It felt weird, smaller.

"No, not really….so you went out with Monica?"

"It was awesome. She got thin."

"She did."

"What are you doing now?"

"I'm working in fashion and I live with Monica. She's an awesome roommate."

"Is it true that she was banging Michelle Burke's dad," Chip said.

"Well...yeah, but I don't know if I'd call it that. It was actually a pretty serious relationship. They really loved each other."

"Gross," Chip said.

"Hmmmm, Chip….what are you doing?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why haven't you left? You still work at the movies and you...why haven't you left?"

"Why would I leave? I like it here, Rachel. I know you didn't but…."

"There's a whole city. I loved Long Island but I love my life now."

"You dated Geek Geller," Chip said.

"Ross. I dated Ross. I don't call the Geller's those names anymore. No Geek Geller, no Monicow….just Ross and Monica."

"Why?"

"'Cause we're twenty seven and Monica's thinner than I am and Ross has a really good career doing something he loves."

"Whatever….you know, you're not better than me."

"I didn't say I was."

"Are you still friends with Nancy and Sharon?" Chip asked.

"No. I had a falling out with both of them. I haven't spoken to Nancy in three years and I haven't spoken to Sharon in two and I'm fine if I never speak to either one again. They were never good friends. I mean, you hooked up with Nancy before our prom."

"Yeah, that was an awesome night."

"Not for me. I thought you were going to stand me up and Ross was actually all dressed up and ready to take me when you arrived. I always thought you'd do more than….this."

"I did go to college."

"And?"

"I flunked out," Chip said, "came back here and I like being home. It's safe here. I like it."

It made her sad to look at Chip, to see that he had not moved on and sadder that she truly had. Long Island felt too cramped, too small. After that lunch, Chip went back to work and she walked around her old hometown. She had truly outgrown it. Everything felt foreign to her as this was no longer her home. Her home was on Bedford with those other five, her favorite five. Her new family.

It was two in the morning now on Halloween night. Rachel got up and wrapped a blanket around her before shuffling quietly across the hall towards the guys apartment. Chandler had wanted to watch an Ernie Kovacs special and asked Rachel to watch with him. She gladly agreed to watch with him although she was a little stunned when she saw they had company. Chandler and Joey's apartment had been robbed recently and their only furniture were a couple of lawn chairs and a kayak. Chandler was sitting in the kayak with Joey's new girlfriend, Kathy. It was a little odd as she pulled one of the chairs up to the boat and sat, staring at them.

"We have company?" Rachel asked.

"You remember Kathy. She likes Ernie Kovacs," Chandler said.

"Wow," Rachel said.

"You know, some say I'm this generation's Milton Berle," Chandler grinned.

"No, I just said that so you would feel better about yourself and you could get the hell out of my boss' office," Rachel said, smiling a little at the incident. Chandler and her boss had one last moment together which ended up with him half naked and handcuffed to her chair. Rachel had uncuffed him but then had to get him handcuffed to the chair again and she did that by telling him something she knew he would fall for.

"Why were you in her boss' office?" Kathy asked.

"She handcuffed him to a chair," Rachel said.

"What?" Kathy asked.

"Go away," Chandler said, looking at Rachel..

"No, I wanna watch this. By the way, Bing...you have a well paying job. Buy furniture," Rachel said.

"I don't like you," Chandler said.

Rachel laughed as the show began. She tried to focus on the show but she kept noticing something or someone. Chandler was flirting, he was flirting heavily with Kathy. It worried her a little bit as it was obvious that he liked Kathy.

The next day over lunch at a sushi place in between both their offices, Rachel and Chandler were discussing Kathy. Chandler kept going on and on about how amazing it was that Kathy liked Ernie Kovacs. The way he talked about her, his eyes lit up. He was so happy to be discussing her.

"Be careful, Chandler," Rachel finally said, taking a bite of her sushi.

"About what?"

"Kathy's not your girlfriend. I know you two have a lot in common but...you're skating on really thin ice and you're doing so well. How many months has it been now?"

"Eight months."

"You look healthy again and we all forgive you and-"

"What if-what if they decide to take a break?" Chandler asked.

"Really?" Rachel asked, giving him a look.

"I won't do anything."

"'Cause I mean...Joey...you screw up that friendship and-"

"I won't.. He means too much to me. I won't fuck it up. Have a little faith in me."

"I do. I also know you can be a self destructive dick wad."

"Thank you, Rachel."

"Anytime...look, be careful."

"I will...by the way, that college guy you were going out with? Come on, Rach."

She let out a sigh, remembering her college boyfriend that she had dated for a few seconds. She dated him for the sole purpose of pissing Ross off but it was tiring dating a guy still in college.

"I know...it's over although he did invite me to a Halloween rager tonight if I dress up like a naughty school girl."

"I think you should dress up like that all the time."

"Ha, ha...but no, I'm not going to a rager. I haven't been one of those in a long time."

"Really?" Chandler asked.

"What? You're not the only one who partied way too much and way too hard in college, I have some stories."

"Dammit, we should've been better friends back then."

Rachel laughed at that. Of the group, none of them really knew some of the fun things she had done in college. They knew very select parts about her trip to Amsterdam, mainly just the fact that she had smoked pot. They did not know about how she had gone skinny dipping or had a threesome in the Red Light District. They knew she had wanted to go see fashion week in Paris and and knew she had attended New York Fashion Week with Brian but some of the more crazy stuff? She'd keep that to herself. Especially what had happened in Vegas…..that moment with Chandler's dad. That would remain a secret for the rest of her life.

"Be careful please."

"I won't do anything," Chandler stressed and Rachel simply nodded although she wasn't sure she believed it. As she got to know Chandler better, for as much as she enjoyed him, she saw a self destructive side to him which she did not understand and when he came over to the her and Monica's apartment about a week later excitedly showing off the birthday gift he had gotten for Kathy, she knew he was being self destructive yet again. He had gotten Kathy "The Velveteen Rabbit," her favorite childhood book.

"I thought I said, be careful," Rachel mused, looking up from the New York Times crossword puzzle she was working on.

"What?" Chandler asked.

"Gee, I don't know...what a better way to say, 'I don't secretly love you roommate's girlfriend' then by buying her a thoughtful gift she'll love," Phoebe said.

"I buy thoughtful gifts," Chandler said.

"No, you don't," Monica said.

"Yeah...you've gotten me Travel Scrabble and a backpack...gosh, Chandler...you know me so well," Rachel said, crinkling her nose.

"I'm still waiting for my birthday gift," Phoebe said.

"Haven't I done enough for you Pheebs?" Chandler grinned.

"No," Phoebe said.

"You cannot give her that gift," Monica said.

"She'll love it," Chandler said.

"She will but what do you think it'll look like when you give her that and Joey gives her...-" Monica said.

"Another backpack," Rachel said.

"Exactly," Monica said.

"You can't give her that Chandler," Phoebe said.

Chandler let out a sigh as he sat on the couch. The three girls got up comfort him.

"I hate this...she's so...she likes everything I like. She grew up in Scarsdale and went to the girls boarding school down the street from my school. We'd have dances with that school. She knew the girl I went to senior prom with...one of her best friends dated my friend, Tyler...it's..I...it's sucks," Chandler said.

"I know...and can I ask you something?" Rachel asked.

"Yeah," Chandler said.

"Well...considering the fact that apparently you do know how to buy good gifts, for Christmas this year...can you actually buy me something that doesn't make me want to hurt you?" Rachel asked.

"Sure...how do you feel about a large jar of peanut butter," Chandler grinned, "that I will throw at you."

"Well, that's better than a stupid backpack," Rachel mused which made Chandler laugh, "and given how much we we've been through with you this past year...I'm thinking jewelry."

"No, no...I want jewelry. I deserve it," Monica said.

"I want jewelry too," Phoebe said.

"You really trust me with buying you jewelry? Are those necklaces with the names still popular?" Chandler asked. The three girls exchanged looks and shook their heads.

"Stick with a backpack," Rachel groaned. Chandler laughed as they continued to give him gift ideas.

Chandler did cross the line, right before Thanksgiving, he crossed the line and ended up making out with Kathy. To try and make it better, he bought all sorts of new things for the apartment he shared with Joey. Monica went across the hall to talk to him, leaving Rachel and Phoebe to let it sink in that Chandler really had done something that stupid.

"Why is he like this?" Phoebe asked.

"I don't know. I wish I did. He's kissed Kathy."

"And he was clean. He knew what he was doing. That makes it worse. Does he want us to leave?"

"I don't know," Rachel said as Monica walked back into the apartment and joined Rachel and Phoebe on the couch.

"He's gonna tell Joey," Monica said.

"Oh, that won't end well," Phoebe said.

"I hate it when Jandler fight," Rachel said.

"I thought we decided on Chanoey?" Phoebe asked.

"I like Jandler and I'm okay when any of us argue….it's just those two," Rachel said.

"I love that you're okay with us arguing….just not them," Phoebe said.

"Jandler. I love Jandler. I'm always rooting for Jandler….or Mondler," Rachel mused.

"Why is he so self destructive?" Monica asked. "Why did he...he makes it difficult."

"I know," Rachel said.

"I want so much for him and I get that he's had crap and-"

"So have I," Phoebe said. "In fact, if we're competing then I win. I was homeless for ten years, I've seen and done things….I spent a year in a juvenile detention center. I know he's had crap, but come on….and I just found out that my mother is alive and the woman who I thought was my mom, wasn't. I love Chandler, I do….but...he can't keep using his crap to make excuses."

She really felt Phoebe had a point. They all had crap, all had stuff they had to deal with and of course, Phoebe had probably dealt with more crap than any of them. Rachel just didn't get Chandler. It angered her that he was like this, that he would damage his friendship with Joey. It took a long time for her to be okay with him, for them to be friends and this was setting them back.

Then there was Ross. In the midst of her being upset about Chandler and Joey, that Thanksgiving resulted in a fight between Ross and Rachel. She knew she had always been picky about gifts but the way Ross made it seem was that she had no sentiment. Nothing meant anything to her and that pissed her off.

"You really think I don't care about anything?" Rachel asked as they stepped on to the balcony to continue their fight. Dinner was over and it was turning out to be an awful Thanksgiving. Monica had tried to go out with Richard Burke's son and Chandler was in a box to prove how much Joey's friendship meant to him.

"I didn't say that."

"Yeah, you did. You said I'm devoid of sentiment. I keep things that matter. Who cares if I return a gift? You still think I'm shallow."

"Well, you return all the gifts. I mean, so nothing I buy you will ever be good enough for you."

"No….and even if….why is Kathy here?" Rachel asked. Rachel noticed Kathy walk into the apartment. She climbed back into the apartment with Ross following her, curious. Why was she in the apartment? That answer soon became obvious as Kathy walked to the box and soon broke up with Chandler. Her heart broke, watching this and it seemed to upset Joey as well because as soon as Kathy left, Joey opened the box and let Chandler out.

"Go find Kathy," Joey yelled.

"You sure?" Chandler asked.

"Yes, we're fine," Joey said as the two men hugged.

"I'm so sorry...I...I just...I don't know...I-you're my best friend man and I owe you so much. I am so, so sorry-"

"I know."

"All of you...I'm sorry...I don't know why I act this way and I don't why I'm so self destructive and I know I don't deserve friends like you and I'm...I'm sorry," Chandler said, looking at the others..

"We know, go get her, Chandler," Rachel said.

"Yeah, go get her," Monica said.

"Really?" Chandler asked.

"Yeah," Monica said.

Chandler nodded as he raced out of the apartment and the other five raced out onto the balcony to watch. Rachel shifted her gaze from Chandler and Kathy kissing to Monica.

"I think we need Twinkies tonight," Monica said.

"There's a box under my bed. I've already prepared for this," Rachel said, placing an arm around her.

"I love you," Monica said.

Rachel laughed as they watched. It was getting so complicated. Rachel and Ross. Monica and Chandler. When did it start becoming so messy? She felt jealous of Phoebe and Joey's friendship, they seemed to have it right. Rachel and Monica had always wondered if there were "benefits" involved in Phoebe and Joey's friendship and neither one would ever confirm or deny but it didn't matter. They made it easy.

Chandler returned about twenty minutes later, with a grin on his face. He walked into the apartment smiling as the group looked at him. Ross and Joey immediately ran to his side, patting him on the back.

"Dude," Joey remarked.

"I got a girlfriend," Chandler said. "Although, Joe...we are good, right? 'Cause I won't pursue this if you and I aren't-"

"Are you happy?" Joey asked.

"Yeah," Chandler said.

"Then it's all good," Joey said as the two boys hugged.

"Are we done here, Mon...because I'm thinking the boys need to go watch Die Hard," Ross said.

"Die Hard," Joey and Chandler said together.

"We're done, oh, Chandler," Monica said as she walked towards her fridge and pulled out a tray of mac and cheese. "Happy Thanksgiving."

"Thanks," he said taking the tray from her, "we're good too, right?"

"Yeah," Monica said, kissing him on the cheek as the three boys walked out of the apartment. Monica turned and looked at Phoebe and Rachel. Rachel walked into her bedroom and walked out with a box of Twinkies and tossed one to her and one to Phoebe. Monica joined them on the couch.

"It's not gonna last," Phoebe said.

"Kathy and Chandler?" Monica asked.

"Look how it's starting...it's not gonna last," Phoebe said.

"But he likes her...and he should and she's nice and...it's just way he's talked about her in the last few weeks….and I shouldn't be...this has nothing to do with me."

Rachel listened as Monica complained about Chandler, but as she complained, Rachel's mind wandered back to Ross. Soon, it would be 1998 and she and Ross still had not found a way to make their relationship less dramatic. When had it made that turn from friendship to crazed? Maybe it would work? Maybe they could make it work?

Or not. Ross seemed to be moving on. He even starting dating some girl who lived far away. Even though Rachel was fairly certain that nothing would come of it, it still upset her. Upset her so much that she ended up asking Chandler to set her up which of course backfired and instead of having a lovely date with a lovely man, she ended up sitting with a very stoic Chandler watching a hockey game. She was truly bored and Chandler made it worse because he would not speak the entire game.

"Why did you ignore me the entire game?" Rachel asked at dinner after the game.

"I should have warned you...I don't speak during the hockey games...I need to concentrate."

"You aren't playing, though."

"It doesn't matter," Chandler said.

That confused her although she did know that of all the sports, hockey seemed to be the one Chandler was obsessed with. It still seemed strange though that he would just ignore everyone during a game.

"Alright...so how's Kathy?"

"I like her...I like her so much, Rachel."

"More than Monica?"

"Well...I think Monica doesn't want to date me."

"She does."

"I don't think so. Look, I do love Mon...but she'll date anyone before she'll date me."

"Maybe she's scared?" Rachel asked, knowing the truth behind that statement. She was convinced Monica was just as scared as Chandler.

"I like Kathy...can I like Kathy?"

"You can like Kathy. I love that you're healthy. It's been ten months."

"Yep. This scares me though."

"What?"

"Well...all five of you have forgiven me and stuff...I have a girlfriend...I'm clean-"

"Are you kidding me, Bing?"

"It's going too well, Rach."

"I think I want you to run off a cliff. Hell, I'll push you. Can you actually enjoy life? I mean, even tonight watching a hockey game...granted, I was bored...but my G-d, you were like staring like if you looked away, bad things would happen."

"Oh, hockey games are stressful...really stressful."

"You're not playing. How is it stressful?" Rachel asked.

"I feel their pain. Hey, by the way, I'm sorry about the guy again."

"That's alright."

"Maybe you and Ross will get back together?" Chandler asked.

"I don't know."

"You know in college...G-d, he loved you. I tried so hard to convince him you were the devil-"

"Of course you did and whenever I would see Ross when he'd come home from college, I'd ask how his loser roommate was doing," Rachel said.

"Wow...we were lovely to each other, weren't we?" Chandler asked.

"We were...so wait, I know Ross has loved me since forever...but he talked about me a lot in college?"

"All the time."

"Wow...See, I don't know if it will ever work with Ross and I but I do hope it works for you and Kathy," Rachel said, which of course was a lie. She wanted Chandler and Monica to be together and she wanted to figure out her feelings for Ross. She wanted it to be easy.

They had decided to do a Secret Santa exchange that year for the holidays. Everyone got one person a secret gift. Joey and Chandler exchanged gifts. Phoebe and Monica and Rachel and Ross. Joey got Chandler a bunch of hockey jerseys from different teams and Chandler renewed Joey's subscription to Playboy for the next five years. Monica bought Phoebe candles and Phoebe bought Monica some cookbooks and when it came time for Ross and Rachel to exchange gifts, she was nervous remembering their fight from Thanksgiving. She handed Ross her gift and he gave her the one he had gotten for her. She had gotten him some dinosaur books she knew he'd enjoy and he got her…..a sketchpad. She looked at him, confused.

"Monica helped. She said you drew clothes. I thought you could use a sketchpad. Proves I support you," Ross said.

"I figured I should guide him in getting you a good gift this year," Monica grinned. Rachel's heart melted a little. She hadn't really designed any outfits in a long time. She had concentrated on working, on going forward in her career but maybe now she would start again.

"You drew clothes?" Joey asked.

"I designed them," Rachel said.

"She made her own prom dress," Monica grinned.

"I liked that dress," Ross said.

Rachel smiled as she let out a sigh, "you're making it real hard for me to hate you, Ross."

"I know. I'll get you some more wine," Ross said as he walked to the kitchen. Rachel kept staring at the sketchpad and she could feel tears form in her eyes as Phoebe and Monica leaned into hug her. Ross soon handed her a glass of wine and the group began talking about New Year's Eve. Rachel kept looking over at Ross, kept thinking about the gift, about him...about how much history they had already shared. It would always be Ross. Somehow...it would just have to be him.

For New Year's, Monica made a fancy dinner for them. They sat around the table, sipping champagne and saying farewell to 1997. As they were chatting, Chandler tried to get their attention.

"I wanna say something," Chandler said, standing and holding up his glass, "To all of you...ten months ago, I was in a very dark place. I was not doing well, you guys know that. It was pretty horrible...I was way too thin and I was taking way too many pills...and you guys were incredible. I mean, I know you kept trying to break through to me and I...I know it was rough for you guys and I am so sorry that I put any of you through any pain. Most of all... Joey, you are an amazing friend. I can't-I can't apologize enough for what I did-"

"It's okay, man," Joey said.

"It's really not."

"Where is Kathy, by the way?" Ross asked.

"She's spending the holidays with her family. We're gonna do New Years when she comes back. But Joe...you stayed up with me and took care of me. Thank you. Rachel, I'm sorry about what happened with Joanna-"

"Why didn't you pick up the chair?" Rachel asked.

"What?"

"The chair in Joanna's office moves...I was thinking about that...why didn't you pick up the chair, walk to the door and get the key," Rachel said.

"Too much work...but I am sorry. I am...I screwed up a lot these past ten months. Thank you for sticking with me and Phoebe, to answer your question from the other day, I don't know why I'm so self destructive or have no self confidence...but I'm absolutely thrilled to be ringing in New Year with five people that mean the world to me and I hope I never lose you guys," Chandler said.

"Chandler, you can't lose us," Monica said, gently touching his hand.

"Good...'cause you guys will never be able to get rid of me," Chandler said.

"Good...our life would be too boring without you," Rachel said.

"Here, here," Phoebe said as they all clinked their glasses together.

"1998...1998 will be the year," Rachel whispered to Phoebe.

"You think? What about Kathy?" Phoebe asked, whispering back. Rachel looked over at Monica and Chandler, playing around with each other. Chandler reached over to Monica's salad bowl and grabbed a cherry tomato. Monica's mouth dropped as she playfully poked him with her fork. He popped the tomato into his mouth.

"It'll never work. She's not even here on New Years. Please, next year will be the year they finally get it together and we can work on that song."

"I hope so. I just wish they'd get it together faster."

"I know. Where the hell is a crystal duck when you need one," Rachel muttered which caused Phoebe to laugh.

"What are you two talking about?" Monica asked.

"Nothing," Phoebe said.

"Crystal ducks," Rachel said, her face dead panned. Phoebe let out a snort as Chandler's eyes widened. "I love crystal ducks. Monica, do you like crystal ducks? I think Chandler should get you a crystal duck."

Chandler glared at Rachel and reached for another cherry tomato from Monica's salad and chucked it at Rachel's head. Rachel started laughing as Ross looked confused. Monica shook her head. Crystal duck had now apparently become the secret phrase amongst the girls, inspired by that time when Chandler has revealed that Ross had bought Carol a crystal duck once because he liked her so buying a crystal duck was another way to say you like someone.

"What?" Ross asked.

"Guys, look, the countdown," Joey said.

The group got up and walked over to the television. They sat close as the countdown to 1998 began. They each sat in pairs. Phoebe and Joey. Monica and Chandler. Ross and Rachel. Ross and Rachel exchanged looks as she gently draped her arm over his leg.

"Kiss me on New Year's?" Rachel asked.

"Sure….but will it be weird?" Ross asked.

"With us….yes. But aren't most things with us, weird?"

"Seems that way."

"Thank you again for the gift. I'm not returning it."

"I love you, Rach."

"I love you too….always."

Soon the ball dropped and the former couple leaned into share a kiss to kick of 1998. It always felt so nice, so perfect kissing Ross. She just wished they could figure out how to make the rest of their relationship just as perfect.


	34. Chapter 34

**January 1998-March 1998**

Joey was the first of the group to turn thirty. That felt weird. Even though Monica and Rachel would not be turning thirty for another few years, it was still strange to think about. Strange that they were all nearing that stage of their lives.

"He doesn't even want strippers," Rachel mused, sitting at the kitchen table with Monica the day before Joey's birthday. Monica was making a list of sandwiches she could make and Rachel was stunned. Joey just wanted a dinner with the six of them, a quiet dinner. She had heard stories of Joey's legendary parties. The previous year, Chandler had gotten wasted and slept with one of Joey's sisters, but now….Joey wanted quiet and togetherness.

"No. He just said sandwiches and cake."

"I bet Joey had an awesome twenty first birthday."

"Phoebe had an awesome twenty first birthday," Monica grinned.

"I know this story and I love this story," Rachel laughed, remembering Phoebe telling her about her twenty first birthday where she had hooked up with Jethro Tull. It was a fantastic story that was told at a Girl's Night over drinks. Phoebe had hooked up with an entire band. Monica had also told them about her twenty first where she had told her then boyfriend that she loved Chandler and Rachel? She just told them that she went to Vegas and had quiet fun for her twenty first. She would never tell the truth, she just could not bring herself to ever reveal what had actually happened.

"And now she might carry her brother's baby," Monica said.

Rachel shook her head and looked at Monica. Monica was still talking about Phoebe. Phoebe was now apparently contemplating carrying her brother's baby because his new wife could not have children.

"Do you think she'll do it?"

"I don't know. I couldn't do it. I could never be pregnant with a child and then give them up."

Rachel absent mindedly placed her hand on her stomach. Her breath got caught in her throat. It had been eleven years since that day and while she had never confirmed it to Monica, while she never spoke of it and tried to forget it….there were moments. Moments when she thought about it, thought about that pregnancy, that child that never was. She noticed Monica staring at her and Rachel grinned slightly.

"Well, you've been preparing to have children since you were six," Rachel said.

"Before then. You know, Chandler has said to me a few times that he thinks I'll make an amazing mom."

Rachel grinned, "awww, he's so sweet. I can't wait until you two finally get together."

"He has a girlfriend."

"It's not gonna last," Rachel said.

"Alright...I have seventeen….eighteen types of sandwiches and-"

"I do not know how to have sex," Chandler yelled as he walked into the girl's apartment. Monica and Rachel exchanged confused looks and then glanced back at Chandler.

"Okay….honey….what?" Rachel asked. Chandler let out an annoyed sigh as he plopped himself down at the table.

"I-okay...Kathy and I...we attempted to have sex last night...but...I...I didn't do it right...it's just...I….okay, her last boyfriend was Joey."

"And?" Monica asked.

"Her last boyfriend was Joey. I've shared a wall with the guy for five years. I've heard things and either he's really good in bed or women everywhere just like to agree with him."

"There's nothing creepy about that sentence at all," Rachel said. Chandler glared at her as Monica laughed.

"Chandler, you're fine. It'll be so much better with Kathy because you love each other," Monica said.

"Ehhh, bite me," Chandler mused.

"Maybe you should try that," Rachel said, finding this whole conversation slightly ridiculous.

"Okay, help me….I wanna know how to go from 'ehhh, I get your point' to 'holy, crap he's killing her in there.'"

"Basically, you wanna be better than Joey," Rachel said.

"Yes," Chandler said.

Monica laughed a little as she grabbed a piece of paper and pen. Rachel and Chandler both leaned in to watch as Monica was drawing what appeared to be the picture of a naked lady. Was Monica about to teach Chandler how to have sex? She was quite happy to be privy to this conversation right now.

"She's hot," Chandler mused.

"Okay, here are the seven basic erogenous zones…" Monica began and proceeded to teach Chandler about how to turn on a woman. As Monica spoke, Rachel felt herself getting a little turned on and by the end of the conversation, she retreated to her own bedroom for some time to herself.

A few nights later, there was a knock on the door waking Rachel up. She got up and shuffled her way to the doorway of her bedroom. She watched Monica walk out of her bedroom and towards the front door where the knocking continued. When Monica opened the door, Kathy hugged her immediately.

"Thank you, just thank you….you're amazing," Kathy said, hugging before her walking back into Chandler and Joey's apartment and shutting the door. Rachel could not stop grinning at the exchange. Monica turned back to look Rachel.

"If you say something, I will kill you," Monica said.

"I wasn't gonna say a thing….just that it's so cute that you just taught your future husband to have sex," Rachel grinned before walking into her room and slamming her door shut. She fell onto her bed, still thinking about that exchange. Things were getting so complicated, she had always assumed that as she got closer to her thirties, things would become less complicated but it seemed to be the opposite. Chandler and Monica. Her and Ross. It all seemed so easy on the surface, it all made sense….but beneath the surface it was far more difficult.

Later that night, the stage was set for Joey's thirtieth birthday. Monica made a lot of sandwiches and made a lot of cake. Chandler set up his video game system in the girl's apartment so they could play and grabbed all of the movies he knew Joey would like. With all this planning, there was yet another development the group would soon be planning for. Phoebe had decided to have a baby. Her newly married step-brother and his much, much older wife wanted a child and had asked Phoebe to carry the baby, which she agreed to do.

"You're really gonna do this?" Rachel asked as the three women were sitting at the table in Monica and Rachel's apartment. The boys were playing video games while Joey was very literally crying about turning thirty and the girls were eating sandwiches: turkey for Monica, tuna for Rachel and a veggie one for Phoebe. As Phoebe explained what she was going to do, Rachel once again felt that familiar pain that she had been feeling a lot recently. She felt even worse listening to Phoebe and wondered what direction her life would have taken if she had had the baby? Or if maybe she had given the baby up for adoption? She wanted to cry at that moment but much like that crazy twenty first birthday, what had really happened would forever remain her secret.

"I am. I do. I wanna do this. I know it'll be hard. It'll be painful...but I wanna do this. I mean, look no one in my family ever gave me anything, maybe by doing this, I can turn it around," Phoebe said.

"You're amazing, Phoebe," Rachel said.

"You really are," Monica said.

"Oh, dude...stop crying," Chandler said.

The girls laughed as they walked towards the couch where Joey was tearing up again. The three girls immediately began comforting him.

"It's just...I'm thirty. I'm old," Joey cried as he fell towards Chandler who in turn, shoved him away.

"Joey, I'm gonna be thirty next month," Phoebe said.

"I know, you're old too," Joey whined.

"No, I'm looking forward to it. I mean, my twentieth I spent being raped and tortured in Prague, my tenth...oh, on my tenth, my step dad and mom could only afford to give one of us a gift. Ursula got the gift. But I got the box...so I think thirty will be good," Phoebe said as the group just stared at her. Phoebe always seemed to have a habit of just randomly talking about her past as if it could happen to anyone.

"Well...we weren't planning on raping or torturing you," Chandler said.

"And we're buying you gifts and not Ursula," Rachel said.

"See, it's already looking good," Phoebe said.

"It's just so strange that we have to start planning for the big 3-0," Ross said.

"Oh, G-d," Joey said.

"Here he goes again," Chandler groaned.

"I'll go get the cake," Monica said as she walked towards the kitchen and Rachel decided to help her or hover over Monica as she got the cake ready.

"You're invading my personal space," Monica said.

"You know who is not here?"

"I'm not discussing this with you."

"I just find it odd that Kathy is not here," Rachel said, whispering, "given the amazing time she apparently had with Chandler last night...thanks to you."

"I don't."

"Also we're his friends, wouldn't she want to get to know us...or know what you taught him?"

"Joey wanted it to just be the six us, she knows us and she probably thinks it would be super awkward to attend a birthday party for her ex-boyfriend as the guest of her current boyfriend….and both her ex and her current are so close, we think they're secretly dating and call them Chanoey behind their backs. I'd find that awkward," Monica whispered.

"It's Jandler…..and It's not going to last."

"I don't think we should be roommates anymore," Monica joked as she walked towards the couch, "Joey, I got cake."

"I like cake," Joey said as they sang him happy birthday and then ate cake as Joey was still upset about being the big 3-0. While Joey was upset, Rachel was looking forward to being the big 3-0. She had made so many changes already that she was curious what that third decade of her life would bring.

It was stupid, a stupid horrible game and she didn't care what Chandler did for a living. It was boring and stupid and just dumb. It was a game and should not count. The chick and duck that Chandler and Joey had recently adopted should be made into a delicious dinner and she and Monica should not be made to give up their apartment because she didn't know what Chandler did for a living. No one knew and no one cared, she didn't care….but it seemed that she had no choice. Monica and Rachel would have to trade apartments with Joey and Chandler. Monica would sleep in Joey's room and Rachel got Chandler's. Both Rachel and Monica had wanted Chandler's room because neither one were sure how many women had been in Joey's room but Rachel had won that argument and it was a small victory. A tiny victory. Monica had decided to try and make the place livable which Rachel appreciated. Rachel though turned her concentration towards work. She was now doing personal shopping after they eliminated her department at Bloomingdales. She hated it. She loved shopping and designing clothes but this was demoralizing, a step down. She was very close to quitting until Joshua walked in.

She was ready to move on from Ross and decided 1998 would be the year she would get over him. They were clearly never going to work. It was always wrought with drama, so she needed something new, someone new and Joshua fit that mold perfectly. He was tall, handsome, looked nothing like Ross. What she didn't expect was Ross to get over her.

Rachel was supposed to take the niece of her British boss to the opera but instead had Ross take her so she could go to a club opening to be with Joshua. She would show Joshua the fun Rachel, she would have fun, maybe revert back to her old college self. She had dressed provocatively in a tight black dress with red stilettos. She was ready to make Joshua see her, like her….but she never got in the club. There was a problem with the names on the list and she never got in and to make matters worse, Ross' evening was far better, so much better that he ended up spending an entire weekend in Vermont with Emily, the niece of her British boss. This could not happen. Ross could not move on first. This wasn't fair. She needed to do something, she could work on getting Joshua but she really wanted to do something to Emily. She hated Emily.

"What do you think of these pants?" Rachel asked, showing Chandler a magazine and pointing to the picture. It was now February and Rachel and Chandler were getting manicures and gossiping. Rachel had convinced him to come with her. He had broken up with Kathy a few weeks earlier after she had cheated on him and between his break up and Ross starting to date that British Bitch, as she secretly named her, she felt that both she and Chandler deserved a day of pampering and togetherness.

"Hmmm, nice bush." Chandler said. Rachel looked at him in disgust. Did breaking up with Kathy make his jokes worse?

"Who are you? Joey?" Rachel asked.

"Look at the pattern on those pants...look at what they have printed on the crotch."

Rachel looked and was immediately taken aback. Right on the crotch of the pants, there was a rose bush. "Nice bush."

"Exactly."

"Why would you put that there?" Rachel asked, confused. If she were to design floral pants, she would definitely do it differently. The pants were white with roses but right in the crotch area, the designer had placed a rose bush. It was very bizarre.

"I don't know."

Rachel shook her head as she placed the magazine down. Two woman approached Chandler and Rachel and began working on their nails.

"What color are you gonna get?" Chandler asked.

"I'm thinking red...what about you? Pink."

"No...although, I can't believe you made me come here."

"Coming here doesn't make you any less manly...there are are tons of other things you do that accomplish that."

"Thanks," Chandler said.

"So let me ask you...Emily. Do we like her or hate her?" Rachel asked.

"Hate her."

"Me too...she is so...British. Oh, maybe we can put peanut butter on her car?" Rachel asked, giving him a grin. That could be part of her plan. She hadn't played a good prank in a long time and while she knew she could probably do a good prank on her own, with Chandler it would be even better.

"I don't think she brought a car here," Chandler mused.

"We could put bugs in her scones," Rachel said.

"Wow...we really should've been better friends at camp."

Chandler's eyes widened as he looked at her. She loved the expression he got when she came up with a prank idea that rivaled something he could think of.

"That's what I'm saying. Now, where are we on bug scones?" Rachel asked.

"Well, there's a problem...Ross. I don't care if he eats a bug scone but...it's getting it to her that might be the problem...and the fact that neither one of us can cook and the only one of the six of us who can make a scone, probably won't do that," Chandler said.

"Dammit, Monica...how about..."

"We can...hmmmm, let me think, we'll do something. I do like the bug scones though but it's a lot of work," Chandler said.

"Gunther. He would totally do it."

"I like how you're thinking...wait a minute, maybe you can just bake something for her. English like...you can make your own scones."

"I have no idea how to do that," Rachel said.

"Exactly. Just throw in whatever crappy ingredients come to mind...you can use Joey and I's kitchen, just make it look like a scone. I'll help."

"I can do that. This could work. I hate that Emily."

"Well, 'cause you like Ross."

"Oh, no...no...she's just stupid," Rachel said. She found Emily to be just insufferable and what was even worse was that Joshua was not showing any interest in her.

She put her concerns about Emily and Joshua aside briefly to celebrate the next member of the group to turn thirty, Phoebe. Of course now that Phoebe was pregnant, this would be yet another low key affair with just the six which would be just perfect. Rachel decided to design a dress for Phoebe's thirtieth. Using the sketchpad she had gotten from Ross, she began to draw a flowing, long dress that she thought Phoebe would love. She would spend a lot of her downtime at work on that dress. She thought it was so spectacular that Phoebe was thirty that she wanted the dress to be spectacular. When it was done, she could not wait to give it to her friend but of course leave it to Chandler to wreck the affair. The night of the party, Chandler was gone. He had vanished.

"Didn't he say something about Yemen?" Joey asked. The group exchanged looks. Chandler and Rachel had run into Janice at the nail salon. Chandler had tried to get rid of Janice by apparently telling her that he was going to Yemen.

"Wait, you don't think he went to Yemen, do you?" Ross asked.

Rachel stood up and walked towards her old room. It was completely empty. She wanted to kill him. Was he really that stupid? She walked out and looked at the others staring back at her.

"His stuff is gone," Rachel said.

Joey, Monica and Ross got up and ran past Rachel into the room. Rachel stood rooted to her spot and stared at Phoebe sitting stoically on the couch.

"I'm sorry," Rachel whispered.

"Why? Did you buy him the ticket?" Phoebe asked.

"No."

The phone began ringing as Monica, Joey and Ross walked out of the room towards the couch.

"I'm not getting that," Phoebe said, getting up and walking towards the big chair. Monica nodded and walked towards the phone, grabbing it.

"Hello?...Chandler, where are you?...Oh, wow...Yemen," Monica said as she lowered the phone and looked at the others, "he's in Yemen," Monica put the phone up to her ear again "What's wrong with you? …..I know but…I know...alright….Yeah, she's here," Monica said as she lowered the phone and looked at Phoebe, "he wants to talk to you."

"I'm not here," Phoebe said.

"Phoebe. He's in Yemen and he-"

"Fine, tell him to send me a postcard," Phoebe said as Monica put the phone back up to her ear.

"Uh, Chandler...she's a little upset with you right now….No, I'm not going to ask her that….No….Fine," Monica said as she lowered the phone again, "Pheebs, Chandler wants to know if you can pick him up from the airport tomorrow in your cab."

"Tell him to go to hell," Phoebe said.

"Did you hear that?" Monica asked, putting the phone up to her ear, "Yeah, we'll figure it out. Just get home. Call us when you get back to New York."

Monica hung up the phone and looked at Phoebe. Rachel sat near Phoebe and began to comfort her. She had wanted Phoebe to have a good birthday. Phoebe had led such a rough life up to this point that she wanted it to be fantastic.

"No, no. Why...okay, why is he so fucking self destructive? So Janice breaks up with him, he develops a drug habit. He kisses Kathy while she was still dating Joey...and this is after we helped him through the drug habit and then...then he fucks things up with Kathy...and now instead of having the balls to say to Janice that he doesn't want to date her, he flies to Yemen...with all his stuff. When is it going to be good enough for Chandler Bing?" Phoebe asked.

"Look, Pheebs...there's a lot you don't know about Chandler," Ross said.

"No, I know a lot. It is my thirtieth birthday and instead of him being here...no and he broke a promise. He left," Phoebe said.

"He's coming back. Tomorrow," Monica said.

Phoebe let out a snort as Monica got up and went to the kitchen to get some more food for the group.

"Do you want to open my present?" Rachel asked.

"Is it something I gave you that you're returning back to me?" Phoebe asked. Rachel grinned, ever since Phoebe had gotten pregnant, she had gotten a little feistier. She got up and grabbed a white box and handed it to Phoebe. Phoebe opened it and her eyes widened. Rachel had designed a lacy, dark floor length navy dress. She had attached tiny sequined daisies is random places on the dress giving it a very hippie vibe that she felt would definitely work with Phoebe's personality.

"Oh my G-d."

"It's a Rachel Karen Green design."

"Really?"

"Yeah….forget Chandler. It's your birthday."

"Thank you. I can't wear this now, by the way," Phoebe said as she and Rachel hugged.

"I know...but after you're pregnant. Sorry."

"It's okay."

"I'm so glad we're friends though."

"Same here, Rach. I never thought I'd say it."

"Me neither. 'Cause I would have sworn you would have died of a disease by now," Rachel teased. Phoebe's mouth dropped.

"Me too," Phoebe shot back, "and I am so happy you're no longer a bitch."

"No, I'm still that," Rachel grinned as the two women hugged and Monica walked by to the group with cake. They would celebrate without Chandler. He could have Yemen, she would celebrate her friend.

Chandler did eventually get back from Yemen with their help and Rachel turned her attention to Joshua. By March, Emily and Ross were closer than ever and she was getting nowhere with with Joshua. She tried everything and maybe that was why she decided on a party. A last minute, farewell party for Emily where she invited Joshua and made a complete fool of herself. Monica and Phoebe tried to stop her but she needed to do this, needed to show she was just as over Ross as he was over her. This failed. She failed at this and ended up sitting in the hallway in her old high school cheerleading outfit with a busted lip and Joshua gone. She was mortified and sad, just sad.

"Room for one more?" Ross asked as he stepped outside of the the apartment and sat with Rachel.

"I'm sorry, Ross."

"Should be."

"Thanks."

"What the hell happened tonight? What was that?"

"I don't know. I'm...I'm scared. Maybe that's it. I mean, you're with Emily and you're….it's going well and maybe...we're….I think we're done."

"You and Joshua?"

"You and me. You're with Emily and maybe….it's going well."

"Please, it's...Emily and I are temporary. It's a one time thing. She's going back to England and then we're over. We both agreed on that."

"Ross, I don't think it's temporary. She really likes you."

"Please."

"She just spent the entire night here….and has not left after everything that happened tonight. She's in this, Ross."

"Yeah?"

Rachel let out a pained sigh, "go get her. Just go….I mean, I ruined your relationship with Julie. I ruined your relationship with Bonnie. Maybe with Emily, we can both move on."

"Is that what you want?"

"I think we have to. Ross, we don't work as a couple. We tried and failed and you got a girl in there who wants you."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. I'm sure."

Rachel tried smiling but it hurt, both literally and metaphorically. They needed to move on. They needed to close the door on that relationship. It was important. Ross leaned in and gave her a hug and got up to walk back into the apartment, leaving her alone which was fine. She needed to be alone although that did not last long. Soon, she was joined by Chandler who walked out carrying a pink box.

"Sit loser," Rachel said.

"I'd say something but instead I'll just ask you how tonight's nose dive off that cliff was, Princess Coyote," Chandler grinned as he sat next to her.

"I died," Rachel groaned. "The coyote is dead...and they said it would never happen."

"Melodramatic, aren't we?"

"Screw you and if you're gonna start with me, I swear to G-d, Bing-"

"Hey, now...I just...I have something that might make you feel better," Chandler said, opening up the pink box which was filled with scones. Rachel picked one up and examined it. She cringed a little when she noticed a black thing that looked a little like a raisin and dropped the scone back in the box. She smiled at him, he had actually done it.

"Ugh...how did you-"

"Never ask a magician how he performs his tricks," Chandler said.

"You didn't make those in our kitchen?" Rachel asked pointing to apartment 20, "'cause we are getting our apartment back."

"I didn't make these."

"Monica?"

"Nope."

"Phoebe?"

"No."

"Joey?"

"No."

"Chandler."

"I have friends outside the six of us."

"Oh, oh, your friend...Travis?" Rachel asked.

"Tyler and that is correct. His wife cooks and is British. I told her what we needed..." Chandler grinned.

"You're a genius. I want my apartment back and the birds dead but you're still a genius."

"Thank you," Chandler said, closing the box, "we'll give this to Emily as her goodbye present. Show her that us silly Americans know a thing or two about British pastries."

Rachel laughed before wincing slightly, her lip still hurting. She let out a sad sigh.

"What is wrong with me, Chandler?" Rachel asked. "It's like...I-"

"You like Ross."

"I'm over him. I like Joshua," she tried.

"You're not over him, Rach. Look, you and I have something in common...we are both completely crazed when it comes to the Gellars. You with Ross, me with Monica-"

"I got that."

"It doesn't matter how crazy or neurotic or competitive or jealous they get...we're hooked and we've tried to get over it. I've tried, you've tried...but it's not working. Did Monica tell you how I ended up moving across the hall from her?"

"She forced you. She said you tried to cut yourself off from her and Ross right after you graduated college and they had to come and get you. Did you really not RSVP to Ross and Carol's wedding and not really do anything as Ross' Best Man until Monica yelled at you?"

"Yep. I really thought he'd move on."

"Ross and Monica don't move on," Rachel said although she wasn't sure how true that was anymore. Ross definitely seemed to move on fast and she was trying to do the same.

"I know...and see you like Ross. I like Monica. That simple."

"No it's not...he's with Emily and you and Monica have had so many chances to do something-you're both single now...do something."

"I lied. It's not simple, it's very, very complicated," Chandler admitted.

"You know, why don't you and Mon ever give it a shot? You'd be perfect together."

"She doesn't like me like that."

"You know that's not true," Rachel said. "You're both crazy...but I mean, you can calm her down like no one else. She can calm you down. You both have that gift cause the rest of us can't figure the two of you out. You would be so good together."

"I don't know. Truthfully, I don't and I don't know why you and Ross can't make it work."

"I don't know why either...although, wouldn't that be cool. What if Ross and I got married and then you and Monica got married...we'd be family. That would be funny if you and I ended up as family," Rachel said.

"Yeah...although if that happened, we'd gotta figure out who would adopt Phoebe or Joey. I get Joey," Chandler said, raising his hand.

"Fine, I want Phoebe," Rachel smiled. "G-d, do you think this will ever just get easier."

"You're asking me? I've been cheated on three times by the women I've had the most serious relationships with. Lizzie, Janice, Kathy."

"I've been cheated on. Twice. Barry and Ross," Rachel said, purposely leaving out Chip and Paolo because that would make it four and that would make it worse. Everyone cheated.

"Still got you beat."

"G-d, we're sad," Rachel said.

Chandler nodded as he put his arm around Rachel. She fell into him as she let out a sigh. She soon remembered something about Chandler's friend, Tyler.

"Wasn't Tyler the one I punched in the face?" Rachel asked.

"The last time I saw you in that outfit, you punched him in the face, I put peanut butter on your car," Chandler grinned.

"He asked if I had a penis."

"He was just being nice, Rach," Chandler joked.

Rachel let out a snort and shook her head as she placed her head back down on Chandler's shoulder. She felt even worse now.

"Rachel?"

Rachel looked up and noticed Joshua behind her. She was stunned. He came back.

"Joshua?"

"Yeah...can we talk?"

"Really?" Rachel asked, worried.

"It's not bad."

Rachel nodded and stood up. She walked towards her new apartment and Joshua followed her in. Once inside, Rachel shut the door and looked at him. Joshua opened his mouth to talk but she stopped him.

"Wait, Joshua...listen...I'm really not crazy but I just...you were honest with me tonight and I appreciate that so let me be honest with you. I have had four relationships that I considered serious, all four of those have ended with the guy cheating on me. The last guy to cheat was Ross and that was two years ago and unlike the others, Ross is also my best friend and I see him every single day and getting over him was...is...was...really difficult and it will always be difficult and him being with Emily, kills me. So if you want to be with me...please understand that."

Joshua looked at her and slowly nodded, "I understand. I just got out of a marriage. It killed me too. Maybe….maybe we can both be crazy together. We can heal together."

"I like that idea and I'm sorry."

"Me too. You do look cute though."

"Please."

"You do."

"I really want to kiss you right now but my lip hurts….so how about some wine and conversation?" Rachel asked.

"Perfect."

Rachel walked towards the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of wine and a couple glasses. She poured some wine for herself and Joshua as they moved towards the couch to talk. It felt wonderful, amazing to talk to Joshua and for the first time she felt she might finally be moving on.

February turned to March and Rachel and Joshua were now officially dating. She was happy, content and now she could finally move on. She felt like herself again, sitting at Central Perk with Monica and Chandler, talking and hanging out. The two sat, leaning against Chandler as he was reading through Rachel's newest issue of Cosmo.

"Well, that's interesting….hot sex….it's called the dirty mermaid. Face your guy while he stands and-well, girls, I think it's always important to face the guy," Chandler mused as the two nodded. "You wrap your arms and legs around him and then-"

"It looks so complicated," Rachel said.

"I'm willing to go with you both to the beach right now and we can try this," Chandler said, "oh, fuck the beach….let's go find a bathtub."

"Awww, you're so generous," Rachel said as Monica giggled. Rachel looked over at Monica. Monica was flirting with Chandler. She wondered if Monica's crush on Chandler was coming back.

"Hi," Ross walked into Central Perk with his signature sad 'hi', Rachel and Monica sat up and looked at him. He looked so depressed.

"You alright, man?" Chandler asked.

"Just miss Emily. Oh, by the way, Chandler, Emily wanted to say thank you for the scones. I had one. They were awesome."

Sure, Rachel was moving on but the idea that both Ross and Emily ate scones with bugs made her so very happy.

"No problem. Did Emily have one?" Chandler asked.

"Yes, she really liked it...alright I'm gonna get coffee," Ross said, getting up and walked over to the counter.

"Scones? You made scones for Emily?" Monica asked, confused.

"My buddy, Tyler...yeah, his wife is British. I was just being nice," Chandler said.

"That is nice," Rachel said, over enunciating her words.

"What did you two do?" Monica asked.

"Nothing," Chandler said.

"Nothing," Rachel said.

"Okay...this scares me," Monica said, looking at the two of them.

"Why?" Chandler asked, still grinning.

"Well...you put peanut butter on her car...and Rach, you threw ice at his head and...in high school, for April Fools Day once you made me cupcakes with chili pepper in them."

"You did?" Chandler asked, looking at Rachel a little stunned.

"Don't give me that look. You aren't the only one who can pull a prank, buddy," Rachel said.

"Dammit, I wish we had been better friends at camp," Chandler said, which made Rachel laugh.

"What did you guys do?" Monica asked.

"Really nothing, Mon. We totally did nothing," Rachel said.

"You know, maybe Tyler's wife will make you a scone," Chandler said.

"I think I'll pass," Monica said, giving them both a look Rachel and Chandler exchanged a look and smiled and soon Ross returned to them and continued talking about Emily and the more Ross talked about her, the more it killed her and the more she realized that maybe she was not moving on. Her heart sank every single time Ross mentioned her name. She truly hated Emily, hated that Ross was seemingly putting an end to the Ross and Rachel story for good.


	35. Chapter 35

**April 1998-May 1998**

Monica and Rachel were sitting across from each other, eating a breakfast of waffles, bacon and eggs and drinking coffee. There was some conversation. Rachel talking about Joshua, Monica confiding in her that she hated Emily and then they landed on the topic of apartment 20, the apartment that was rightfully theirs. Monica's grandmother had let her live in it, so it was hers and they would get it back. They needed a plan. For Chandler's 29th birthday, they would get him and Joey Knicks tickets and when they left, that was when the plan would be put into action. Monica had called her friends, Laurie and Ellie as well as Michelle Burke. They brought their guy friends over, including some friends from college. Phoebe called her friends, Marjorie and Sue Ellen and they brought their boyfriends. Rachel contemplated calling Joshua but decided against it, although it did dawn on her that once again she was the only one who had no friends outside the six but that feeling was overpowered by a plan that was hatching in her mind. Sure they were friends now and she was beyond thrilled. Chandler and Rachel had worked so hard to go from mortal enemies to best friends but she could still have a little fun at his expense, couldn't she? He had pulled two big pranks on her and she still hadn't really gotten revenge. She wasn't going to count getting Monica to humiliate him or slashing his tires, she wanted fun revenge and she was thrilled when Ellie and Laurie agreed to help her. Once Chandler's room was set up the way it had originally been, she went to work, scooping spoonfuls of honey into his bed. Laurie soon helped her and Ellie went to go buy more honey.

"What are you two doing?" Monica asked as she walked into Chandler's room, confused.

"He covered my car with peanut butter," Rachel said.

"Twelve years ago," Monica said.

"I saw an opportunity," Rachel said.

"I bought more honey," Ellie said, walking in with a giant grocery bag filled with honey, "hey, Mon."

"Why are you two encouraging this?" Monica asked.

"What? You wanted us to be friends with Rat Face Green," Ellie said. Rachel grinned. Sure, she hated those horrible childhood nicknames, but they seemed to veer on just funny now and no longer cruel.

"Exactly," Rachel said. "But I wouldn't expect Mon to understand. She's got a hard on for Chandler."

"No, not again," Monica said.

"Nooooooo," Rachel said, "okay, a few weeks ago at Central Perk, she was like all over him."

"I was not," Monica said.

"Oh, Chandler you're so funny…..oh, Chandler, I love you…..Oh, Chandler you make me warm and fuzzy and make me feel all the feelings," Rachel cooed as she twirled around the room.

"Bite me, Rat Face," Monica said as she walked out of the room.

"Love you, Monicow," Rachel yelled.

"Back at you, Rat Face," Monica yelled from the living room and Rachel, Ellie and Laurie continued to fill Chandler's bed with honey. She was enjoying herself.

"You know Rat Face, had I known you had this side to you...I think I would have tried harder to be your friend in high school," Ellie said.

"Hmm, yeah, but I wouldn't have wanted to be yours," Rachel grinned. It was funny how life worked. Ellie and Laurie were Monica's friends in high school, never hers. There was a mutual hatred between them and her, but now there was a friendship.

"I have to ask, Nancy and Sharon? Tell the truth-" Laurie said.

"Oh, they are horrible, horrible people and remember Mindy, she's now married to my ex-fiancee," Rachel said.

"Witch," Ellie said.

"Yeah. You know, I know we've apologized to each other and everything, but I am glad you guys have been there for Monica. I'm glad she had you. I know was not a good friend."

"Of course….although you know she loves you the most," Laurie said.

"I know," Rachel said, sounding giddy….after all, it was true.

"And I've spent the last sixteen years trying to change that," Ellie said.

"I believe that to be true too," Rachel said.

"So why are we doing this to Chandler?" Laurie asked.

"Revenge is sweet," Rachel said as they continued. She had never had so much fun doing manual labor. They changed the apartments back and Rachel got her prank and when they were finished and everyone went home, Rachel, Phoebe and Monica all collapsed on the couch in the apartment that had always been theirs.

"I have never worked so hard….manual labor?" Rachel cringed, yet still a smile appeared on her face.

"But it was all worth it. We get to sleep in our own beds," Monica said.

"I'm so happy," Rachel said.

"What are you gonna do when they find out?" Phoebe asked. "I mean, those two are gonna be pissed."

Monica and Rachel let that sink in. They would definitely not be pleased. They started to come up with ideas to maybe make it up to them when Phoebe landed on Monica and Rachel kissing for a full minute.

"Pheebs," Rachel admonished.

"This is Chandler and Joey we're talking about….you know what they dream of at nights," Phoebe said. "You know their love of girl on girl porn."

Monica and Rachel exchanged a look. Rachel wasn't quite sure about kissing Monica, although it would probably solve all the problems. She got up and walked to the cabinet and grabbed a bottle of tequila and two glasses, after all they would have to be drunk to do this. She handed one to Monica and filled up the glasses. The two girls immediately started drinking until soon there was a pounding on the door and sure enough, it was Chandler and Joey, pissed. So, now with liquid courage, they kissed for a full minute with Phoebe counting in the background. As Rachel closed her eyes, she saw Ross. She imagined kissing Ross. Soon they were done and without a word, Chandler and Joey walked back into their apartment. Monica and Rachel shared a hug as they began squealing.

"I am so drunk," Rachel said.

"Me too," Monica said.

"I'll be right back," Rachel said as she grabbed a jar of honey, a spoon and ran into the boy's apartment. She walked towards Chandler's room and opened the door in time to see Chandler cringe as he looked around his bed.

"Paybacks a bitch, isn't it loser?" Rachel asked as she slowly stirred the large jar of honey.

"I thought we were a team now?" Chandler asked.

"We are...but still...you put peanut butter on my car, I put honey in your bed. Payback, loser," Rachel said.

"Oh, Rachel, sweetie...you really have to let this go. Come here, let me give you a hug," Chandler said, the grin on his face getting broader as he walked towards her, his arms wide open. Rachel's eyes widened as she backed up, dropping the jar on the ground. The memory of him chasing after her at camp appeared in her mind and she knew she would have to run. She backed out of the room and tried to run, but Chandler caught her and embraced her as she let out a groan. She could feel the honey all over her.

"Noooooo," Rachel whined.

"Hey, Joe," Chandler suddenly yelled. "Joey, get out here and help me."

Joey walked out of his room, irritated, "Dude, I am so not going to help you do that. If you don't know how to do it by now...all you do is just wrap your hand around your-"

"Joey, stop talking," Chandler said, still holding Rachel. Her mouth dropped, almost upset Chandler had stopped him.

"Wow, didn't realize you two were that close," Rachel said, "should've known. I owe Pheebs money. She's still at our place, I'll go now."

Rachel tried to move but Chandler pulled her back. Rachel groaned again.

"She filled my bed with honey and I think we should help Rachel clean it up, don't you think?" Chandler asked. Rachel tried again to escape, she was getting nervous. Chandler kept his arm firmly planted around Rachel, preventing her from moving and soon Joey was advancing on her well.

"I agree, that's not nice, Rach," Joey said.

"Let me go," Rachel said.

"Payback, beeyotch," Chandler said as he grabbed one of Rachel's arms and Joey grabbed the other. They lifted her up as she began alternating between squirming and laughing. She knew what was going to happen and she really did want to be upset but she couldn't stop laughing as they gently tossed her on to Chandler's bed. She squirmed in the honey soaked bed as Joey and Chandler high fived each other. Rachel struggled to get out of the bed, even though she was now soaked in honey.

"Fine...you know, Pheebs been craving meat lately. Make she'd like some bird," Rachel muttered as she stood up, walked past the two boys and out into the living room, still sticky but looking for the two birds….perhaps Monica could make a honey baked duck and a honey baked chicken. As she was searching for them, Ross walked in into the apartment.

"Guys, I have news...Chandler, Rachel...what are...never mind, come on, I wanna tell all of you," Ross said as he ran out of the apartment and into Monica and Rachel's. Rachel and the two boys exchanged looks as they followed him into the apartment and listened as Ross told the group that he and Emily were getting married. Her heart fell to her stomach and she felt nauseous. Ross and Emily had only been dating for two months. How could they possibly be getting married. She wanted cry and she felt Chandler's arm wrap around her, comforting her. She crinkled her nose slightly as they were both still sticky from the honey but she didn't move, instead wrapping her arm around his waist. She wanted to be happy for Ross, but all she could think about was how it was the end. The door was officially closed on Ross and Rachel and it broke her.

Maybe that's what caused her bout of craziness with Joshua. She liked Joshua. He was nice, sweet and liked her. Maybe it was jealousy or sadness, maybe it was temporary insanity but about a week after Ross announced his engagement, she decided that if Ross could close the door on them, then so could she.

"Marry me," Rachel said to Joshua as they sat on the couch of Central Perk. "Let's get married. We so should."

"Why?"

"'Cause it would be fun and spontaneous," Rachel said. Was she in love Joshua? Did she want to marry him? She had no clue, but hey, she could always be engaged without having to actually go through with a wedding. She had done it before. Of course Joshua thought she was crazy and rejected the idea and soon left her alone on the couch of Central Perk. She had destroyed whatever relationship had been developing with Joshua but she wasn't sure how much she cared. She was upset. Ross was getting married to a woman he had only known for two months. It was fast and he was quick to get over her. It pained her. She needed Twinkies. She needed to be in her room and drink. She slowly got up and walked out of Central Perk and back up to her apartment. When she opened the door, she was shocked. There stood Monica and a very pregnant Phoebe, both in wedding dresses. They both stared at her with a similar deer caught in the headlights look.

"Am I high?" Rachel asked.

"We're depressed," Monica said.

"Oh, then I've come to the right place. Guess what I did today?" Rachel asked.

"What?" Monica asked.

"I asked Joshua to marry me," Rachel said.

"You did what?" Monica asked.

"Yep. I just asked a man whom I have been seeing for one month, that's four weeks, if he would marry me. I am losing my mind. I just...I-"

"Hey, Rach….does your wedding dress still fit you?" Phoebe asked.

"What?" Rachel asked, confused.

"Yeah, see if it still fits….and be happy and depressed with us."

Rachel opened her mouth to protest and then immediately walked into her bedroom. She had not tried on that dress in four years. She opened her closet and grabbed a big white box from the top shelf. Soon after the wedding, she had the dress boxed up. She still wanted to keep it. Sure, if she got married again, she'd wear another wedding dress but she wanted to treasure the first one. She opened the box and smiled, it was such a pretty dress. She had loved it, probably loved it more than she actually loved Barry. She tried it on and it fit, it actually fit. She was convinced it wouldn't. Years of Monica's cooking, pizza nights, lots of wine and other fun eating would have led her to think she would no longer fit into the wedding dress but maybe she had better eating habits than she thought. She glanced at herself in the mirror, remembering the last time she wore that dress. She shook her head and walked out of her room.

"It still fits," Rachel said.

"At least you got a wedding," Monica mused.

"I ran out on it," Rachel said.

"You still had one," Monica said as she walked towards the kitchen to make popcorn. Rachel grabbed a couple beers from the fridge for herself and Monica and grabbed a sparkling water for Phoebe and soon the three girls were on the couch in their wedding dresses. chatting. While she hated that both Phoebe and Monica were sad as well, there was something nice about all three being sad at once. Misery loves company….

"So….what was Ross' first wedding like?" Rachel asked. She had often wondered what it was like and had only heard little bits of it.

"Hmmm….well, the bachelorette party was when I had my first thought that Carol was a lesbian. The wedding was fine. I had to track Chandler down," Monica said.

"He really did that?" Rachel asked. She knew he apparently vanished before the wedding, but it was strange.

"Oh, yeah….I didn't hear a word from him for seven months. I went to his house and was furious," Monica said.

"Why does he disappear like that?" Phoebe asked.

"I think he's scared," Monica said.

"I have another question, if you and Chandler ever got married...who would be your maid of honor?" Rachel asked.

"Oh, I am not answering that at all. I can't….I have you and Pheebs and Ellie and Laurie and I can't pick between you four," Monica said.

"What was your wedding like, Rach?" Phoebe asked.

Rachel let out a sigh, remembering that day. She remembered the engagement which led to the fight with Brian and then that wedding, standing there….knowing it was all wrong.

"Mine? Before I ran out on it? Fun. Beautiful. It was at a country club and we had a choice of fried chicken or steak….or a pasta and the colors were pink and white and Mindy was my maid of honor and their bridesmaids dresses were beautiful. It was this rose color that was pretty and the centerpieces were lilies and….it would have been a beautiful wedding, it was just to the wrong person. My bachelorette party was fun too. We rented a hotel suite overlooking Vegas and we drank and….so much fun, but like I said….wrong people. My next wedding, it'll be far more fun 'cause you two will be there. What about you, Pheebs? What was your wedding like?"

"It was a green card marriage. It was after Duncan and I got back from Prague and he was still pretending to be gay even though we had slept together and I really was starting to doubt he was gay. It was at a chapel in Vegas and Chandler's dad officiated it. Helena Handbasket….he was going by his stage name and it wasn't romantic. No centerpieces or anything like that. I had on a lavender dress that I had saved up to buy, it was like a thirty dollar dress and after we saw Chandler's dad's show...and I mean, they snuck me in 'cause this was December, two months before my twenty first birthday. Chandler's dad could have gotten in a lot of trouble because they're pretty strict about age and he snuck me in with Duncan and we sang songs and it's actually a really good show. I know Chandler has issues with his dad, but I adore Helena Handbasket and I adored Duncan. I really thought he was the right one with every piece of me, I thought he was it. I loved him more than David, the Scientist Guy. G-d, breaking up with Duncan hurt," Phoebe mused as Monica gently patted her leg as Rachel thought of Helena Handbasket and flashed back to that weekend. The weekend that would forever remain a secret.

"I knew Barry wasn't right. The entire time I planned the wedding. I kept thinking….I am not doing this right. I'm not feeling the love and I just...it wasn't right and I kept wanting it to be. "

"Hopefully for the three of us, the next wedding will work," Monica said. "The right guy, the right place."

"Maybe it will be yours," Rachel said.

"With Chandler?" Phoebe asked.

Monica smiled as they continued sitting there, each lost in their own thoughts when they were interrupted by a knock on the door. The girls thinking it might be Chandler got up and walked to the door, opening it to Joshua. Joshua, seeing Rachel in her wedding dress, immediately ran off in fright.

"I guess that ends that," Rachel said.

"Sorry," Monica said.

"No, it's not right," Rachel said, as she sat on the couch, the other two joining her. "I'm sad. I mean, I know Ross and I broke up and I was mad but...him moving on….even if doesn't last….I loved your stupid brother."

"I know," Monica said as she hugged Rachel.

"What-what the hell is going on? I feel like I just stumbled into a mail order bride catalog," Chandler said as he walked in, the three girls jumping suddenly and looked at him.

"See, it was supposed to be you...not Joshua," Rachel whined.

"W-what?" Chandler asked, confused.

"We were gonna play a trick on you and Rachel...well she opened to the door in her wedding dress because we thought it was you...and...well 'cause none of us are gonna marry you and...well-"

"Let's just say he scares easily," Rachel said, cutting off Monica's rambling.

"Still not clear as to what's happening," Chandler said.

"I was feeling depressed and am now the creepy future sister in law wearing Emily's dress," Monica said.

"I was feeling sad about Joshua...so I put on my wedding dress...Joshua saw me. Now, I'm just depressed again 'cause he's no longer my boyfriend. Know what I just realized? This is the second time I have felt like crap while wearing this dress," Rachel mused.

"Okay...and Pheebs," Chandler said.

"It just made me feel pretty. I have three babies growing inside me, don't start with me, Bing," Phoebe said, sounding angry.

Chandler grinned as he nodded, "Hold on. Don't change out of those dresses."

Chandler walked out of the apartment, leaving the girls confused. About ten minutes later, he walked back into the apartment, carrying three movies and wearing a tux that was way too small The girls started laughing as it was too tight in not all the right places.

"What are you wearing?" Phoebe asked.

"My tux from Ross' first wedding," Chandler said, "Mon, can I wear this again."

Monica walked towards him and hugged him, "you are so sweet...and no."

"Awwww, Pheebs...look at Mondler," Rachel said.

"It's like the top of their wedding cake," Phoebe said as she and Rachel linked arms. Chandler and Monica stopped hugging and glared at them.

"Will you two stop?" Monica said.

"You'd really like it if we did that, wouldn't you?" Phoebe asked.

"Well, Chandler can't marry me now. He's seen me in a wedding dress," Monica said as she grabbed Chandler's hand and pulled him towards the couch.

"They have other wedding dresses," Rachel offered.

"I really don't wanna talk about this," Monica groaned.

"What movies did you bring?" Phoebe asked.

"_Hot Dog Movie, Spaceballs _and _When Harry Met Sally_," Chandler offered, handing them to Phoebe.

"He brought our movies," Rachel said.

"_Hot Dog Movie_," Phoebe said.

"What no, _Spaceballs_ first" Rachel said. "I got dumped tonight and my ex-boyfriend is getting married."

"I have three babies growing inside me that aren't mine and I rented a wedding dress," Phoebe said.

"Fine, you win," Rachel said walking over to couch as she sat and began pouting slightly. Phoebe set up the movies.

"I'll make some more popcorn," Monica said as she walked back into the kitchen with Chandler following. Rachel looked at Phoebe, glaring at her.

"_The Hot Dog Movie_ sucks."

"I know," Phoebe grinned.

"And by the way….you were homeless, how were you able to see a movie?"

"When you're tall, hot and blonde, wonderful things can happen."

"You're the worst homeless person ever," Rachel said.

"I don't even know how to respond to that," Phoebe said, "by the way, check out Mondler."

Rachel turned and looked at Monica and Chandler talking to each other. Rachel stood next to Phoebe as the they stared at Chandler and Monica talking in the kitchen. It was as if they had forgotten Phoebe and Rachel were even there.

"Should we leave?" Rachel asked, whispering.

"Is he going to kiss her?" Phoebe asked, whispering as well when suddenly the microwave beeped. Chandler and Monica jumped and turned. Phoebe and Rachel could not stop staring. They were going to kiss, Chandler and Monica were going to kiss. They were definitely headed down that path. Chandler walked towards them and sat on the couch as Monica got the popcorn ready.

"You know what I'm loving about those pants," Phoebe said.

"What?" Chandler asked as he sat down. Phoebe was still standing by the VCR, staring at him.

"They're so tight that you can still see that you've clearly gone to your happy place," Phoebe said. Rachel looked over at him.

"Ohhh, ewww, Chandler. Mon, you gave Bing a boner," Rachel said as Chandler's face turned bright red. He quickly grabbed a pillow and placed it on his lap.

"I'm sure I...I...popcorn?" Monica said, placing the bowl on the coffee table. Chandler looked over at Monica who was still beet red. As the _Hot Dog Movie_ began. Rachel looked over and noticed as Monica grabbed his hand. Even if the door was now closed on her and Ross, it did make her happy if something happened between Monica and Chandler. It would be sweet, nice.

Or maybe she didn't want to close the door yet. Maybe she wanted to tell Ross. She had decided at first to stay with Phoebe who was now too pregnant to fly but then decided against it. She needed Ross.

"I have to go," she said to Phoebe as they sat on the couch. The rest of the group was now in London.

"He's getting married. You lost your chance."

"If he's my lobster then….no, I can't...I have to...I'm sorry, Pheebs….I have to go to London."

"So you're just going to leave me here?"

"You can have food and-"

"You are thinking like a stupid person."

"Maybe, I have to do this. I have to tell him-"

"Why?"

"Because….I just do."  
That was the logic. The logic that made her get on the plane. She had to get to London. This had to be it. She needed to be with Ross. She needed to stop the wedding. He could not marry Emily. They had only been dating a few months but Ross was hers, Ross was her lobster.


	36. Chapter 36

May 1998

Landing in London, she every intention of telling Ross she loved him. She had every intention of letting him know, of stopping the wedding. She had to, she just needed to let Ross know he was making a mistake. This was not right but then she saw them. She saw Emily and Ross kiss and she backed down. She couldn't do it. She could not tell him that she loved him so instead, she just said it was a surprise. She was there because she changed her mind and immediately after seeing him, she went in search of Monica. As she walked towards the room Ross had said Monica was staying in, she noticed Monica walking towards her room. She appeared to almost be floating down the hall, with a grin plastered on her face. Rachel knew that look. Why was Monica so happy? Had Monica hooked up with someone? Who?

"Monica," Rachel said as she approached her. Monica jumped as she looked at her.

"Rach, there you are. What are you doing here?"

"Thought I'd surprise Ross...I….are you okay?"

"Oh yeah, I'm good."

"You seem very happy."

"I'm a happy person."

"Did you hook up with someone?" Rachel asked.

"No, no, no...why...no."

"I've known for almost twenty-two years. I know that smile."

"I'm just happy. That's all….why are you here?"

Rachel let out a sigh as the smile vanished from Monica's face. Monica opened her room and Rachel followed her in.

"I didn't do anything. I couldn't do it."

"Do what?" Monica asked.

"Tell Ross I still I love him."

"Are you joking?"

"I didn't though."

"But you were going to."

"I thought-"

"No, you cannot-Rachel, you missed your chance. Okay, Ross is getting married today. It's over."

"I know. I'm not going to say anything. I'm not going to do anything. I-"

"It's over."

"I know."

"I'm gonna go get ready," Monica sighed as she walked towards her bathroom.

"I'm gonna call Phoebe."

"You're paying for that phone call."

"I will," Rachel said as she plopped herself down on the bed. As soon as Monica shut the bathroom door behind her, Rachel reached for the phone and dialed. She felt a twinge of sadness hearing Phoebe's voice and wished at once she could teleport herself back to New York.

"Did you say anything?" Phoebe asked.

"No, no...I said nothing. It's really over. The Ross and Rachel story is officially over and it makes me sad. Ever since we began this drama, there was always part of me that wanted to….that didn't want to end. Even when it ended, I thought…."

"Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe it's important and now you'll both move on."

"I thought you said Ross and I were each other's lobsters."

"Maybe not, I mean….you two are very dramatic."

"Yeah. I'm gonna watch him get married. Why am I here? Why didn't you stop me?"

"I tried, but I can only move so far, and, by the way, you abandoned me. You're supposed to be here with me."

"I'm sorry," Rachel said, feeling a little guilty.

"So you know, get over yourself and you better buy me a present."

"I will….I am so sorry. You're totally right, I should be there with you. I'm stupid."

"Well, you're not bright," Phoebe retorted.

"Pregnancy has made you mean."

"I prefer honest."

"I miss you…how about I get some super expensive fabric here and design you something."

"Maybe. I just...Rachel-"

Rachel let out another sigh as she and Phoebe talked for a few more moments before hanging up. She knew she should leave, maybe fly back to New York but then Ross had seen her already. He was expecting her.

She didn't have time to change, so she ended wearing the clothes she wore on the airplane to the ceremony. It was in a beautiful area. She could feel her heart break a little as it began. She watched intently as her friends walked down the aisle. Joey walked arm in arm with a bridesmaid and he looked so handsome. She could not stop grinning when Monica and Chandler walked down the aisle together. They seemed nervous. Monica had told her that she and Chandler had walked down the aisle at Ross' first wedding and it was sweet they were doing it again. Ross looked handsome as well, she always loved when the three boys wore suits. No one could ever call those three boys unattractive, but when they wore suits and looked all nice and fancy, her breath would stop in her throat a bit. They looked almost dreamy,

As the ceremony began, Rachel wanted to crawl out of her skin. She wanted to slither off somewhere. None of this seemed right. She was watching Ross get married. She could feel the tears fill her eyes when suddenly she heard her name. She shook her head. Monica, Joey, and Chandler looked stunned, Ross looked guilty and Emily looked pissed. It soon dawned on Rachel what had happened. Instead of saying Emily's name, Ross had said her name.

Her name. He had said, "Rachel" and not "Emily". She wasn't sure what she was supposed to do next. Should she go up there? She looked towards the front and watched as the awkward ceremony continued until the end where Ross and Emily were now married.

During the reception, she found him pacing back and forth. He was angry, pissed, worried. When he saw her approach him, he stopped as they stared each other in a silence that was broken by the loud snorting sounds coming from his nose.

"It meant nothing," Ross said, staring at her.

"I know," Rachel said.

"Ross-"

"Why are you here?"

"What?"

"Why are you really here?" Ross asked.

"For your wedding."

"Bullshit."

"Excuse me?"

"If-this-it's your fault. This-"

"What is my fault? You said my name! I did not hold a gun to your head and tell you to do that," Rachel said, getting angry. How could he possibly be blaming her?

"It meant nothing."

"I know."

"I am not-I don't have any feelings for you," Ross said.

"Neither do I."

"Then why are you here?" Ross asked.

"You invited me asshole."

"You said no."

Rachel let out a snort, she didn't want to say anything more. If she did, she knew she would regret it.

"Meanwhile, you're standing here arguing with me while your new wife is locked in the bathroom," Rachel said. Ross opened his mouth and quickly closed it. He shook his head and stomped off towards the closed bathroom door. Rachel stayed frozen to her spot.

"Want a crab cake? These are awesome," Joey said, approaching her. She looked at him.

"Am I a horrible person?"

"I just asked if you wanted crab cake."

"Alright, never mind," Rachel said, she should have known better than to ask Joey.

"Wait, Rach….look, I get why you came and I don't know why you and Ross couldn't make it work and I'm sorry it didn't but maybe this is good."

"What is good? What could possibly be good about this?"

"Now, you can move on," Joey said.

"I have moved on."

"Really?" Joey asked, giving her a look. She wanted to argue but he kept looking on her. She couldn't lie to him.

"I hate you," she whispered.

"You know I'm right."

"I hate it when you do this."

"Do what?"

"It was just easier to dismiss your opinions when I thought you were a pig."

"I hooked up with a bridesmaid last night."

"What was her name?"

"Not a clue."

"I'm not over him. I-why am I here? Why am I here? Why….I can't...I just….he's married, Joey. He's actually married and…maybe I should call Joshua."

"No, don't do that."

"I won't. I'm a crazy person. I abandoned my best friend who is about ready to explode with triplets….and she's going to give them away….and I fly here to do what? Phoebe is all alone and….I'm...I'm a horrible person. I'm…" Rachel said as tears filled her eyes. Joey stuffed the remainder of his crab cake in his mouth and moved into envelope her in his arms. She smiled as he hugged her. He smelled a bit like fish and steak mixed with aftershave. "Were you eating meat?" Rachel asked looking up at him. He wasn't supposed to be eating meat now as a promise to Phoebe who craving meat while pregnant, He looked at Rachel.

"You left her alone in New York," Joey grinned.

"Fine, you win."

Joey kept hugging her until she was ready to step back. He grabbed her hand and the two walked towards Ross who was pounding on the door, yelling for Emily. As she stood there, listening to Ross, her heart dropped. She had a horrible feeling in the pit of her stomach. There were no sounds coming from behind the door.

"She ran out," Rachel said, her voice barely above a whisper.

"What?" Ross asked.

"Open the door. She ran out," Rachel said.

"She did not run out, she's not you," Ross said.

"Dude, not cool," Joey said. She looked up at Joey and mouthed a 'thanks" to him. He let go of her hand and gently wrapped his arm around her. For as bad as she felt, she felt a little a bit lighter. For as crazy as both Joey and Chandler could drive her, she felt so protected by them and it was truly wonderful.

Ross said nothing as he quickly bust open the door and sure enough, Rachel's intuition was correct. Emily was gone. Ross simply looked at her and walked off. Rachel could feel herself starting to cry again. Joey tried to hug her, but she shook her head.

"I need to...I need a moment."

"Do you want me to come with you?" Joey asked.

"No, no, thank you….that's sweet. You have your bridesmaid," Rachel said.

"You're more important, Rach."

"Thanks."

She stepped back and walked out of the reception. She began walking, walking quickly with tears streaming down her face. She kept walking until she found a cafe and realized that she did not have any money with her. She had left everything in Monica's room. She wondered if Monica was back in her room. She probably wasn't, but she needed her money. She needed it so she could go somewhere or shop. She could shop, but first she needed to go back.

She was let in and it did not surprise her that Monica was not there. She saw her purse and grabbed it and then stared at the phone. She immediately lay back down and called Phoebe.

"He said my name," Rachel said.

"I don't think it means anything," Phoebe said.

"But he...and Ross is being an asshole."

"I can see that. Rach, you crashed the wedding."

"Emily ran out."

"'Cause he said your name….and it means nothing."

"Yeah, everyone keeps saying that and-"

Suddenly, the door opened and Monica walked in with Chandler closely behind her. Rachel could have sworn she noticed a flash of something between them but she wasn't sure. They both looked nervous.

"Rachel, what are you doing here?" Monica asked.

"Calling Phoebe."

"You're paying for those calls," Monica said.

"I know and I will...and I also know it would have been cheaper had I stayed home and talked to Phoebe," Rachel said.

"I told you that," Phoebe said.

"Monica, you wanna go….I-forgot something in my room," Chandler said.

"Let's go there."

"Yeah, let's do that," Chandler said and quickly they both ran out of the room. Rachel looked at the now closed door very confused.

"Monica and Chandler are acting strange," Rachel said.

"Maybe they hooked up."

"Doubt it…."

Rachel let out another sigh as she continued to talk to Phoebe. She talked until Phoebe declared she needed to use the restroom. After hanging up, Rachel grabbed her purse and roamed the streets of London alone. She shopped, she ate. She did everything she could to just clear her head.

She was grateful when it was finally time to leave although another crisis when she realized she had no clue how she would be getting home. Joey, Monica, and Chandler had offered to change their flights so she could go with them, but she found that dumb. They left and she waited. She wasn't sure how long she had been waiting but soon she heard Ross' voice asking if the seat next to her was taken.

"Sit," Rachel motioned, grabbing one of her bags off the chair.

"How long were you planning on staying in London?" Ross asked, sitting by her and noticing how many bags she had with her.

"I went shopping."

"Oh….what do you get?"

"Clothes, shoes, accessories….fabric.'

"Fabric?"

"I owe Phoebe a Rachel Karen Green design for abandoning her."

"Hmmm….look, Rach….I'm sorry about what I said and-"

"No, no, Ross….I'm sorry."

"I-I want this to work. I do...and...I'm supposed to go on my honeymoon and-she's not here. She's not-fuck."

"Ross...maybe this was a sign."

"What?"

"No….you guys moved so fast and….okay, I am here and maybe I should not have come but I am not over you yet and it killed me to watch you two move so fast and….are you really over me?"

"I don't think I will ever be over you."

"So, then…."

"I don't know."

"Well, I gotta go find a ticket back home. Hopefully."

"You wanna come with me," Ross said.

"Come with you?" Rachel asked, a little stunned.

"To Greece….on...well, on my honeymoon. It looks like I'll have an extra ticket."

"Ross."

"Please, maybe it'll be good for us. We can talk and be away from the others for a little and just focus on us and decide once and for all what we'll do. We can also sit on the beach and drink all day."

"I would enjoy that."

"So...you wanna come with me?"

"Well...but don't I need ID? Doesn't it say-"

"Come on," Ross said, almost pleading with her. She smiled, maybe it would be good. They walked towards the ticketing agent and Rachel listened as Ross explained what was happening and surprisingly, she was let on to the plane. She sat comfortably and waited for Ross when suddenly moved. She began looking around and realized Ross was not on this plane and she was indeed headed to Greece on Ross' honeymoon…..alone.


	37. Chapter 37

May 1998-October 1998

She lay on a beach chair by the pool in Greece. She sipped her fourth Ouza as she stared longingly out at the pool behind her dark glasses that were hiding puffy eyes. She was prolonging her stay in Greece. Briefly, she had contemplated making her stay permanent. She did have some distant Greek relatives and knew some Greek. Her favorite word, "malaka" was a curse word meaning, "jerk" and that was exactly what she called Ross when she told Monica where she was, that and a schmuck….she just wanted to have all the cuss words from both of her cultures covered.

She could possibly stay in Greece. There were plenty of fashion houses in Greece and there were places she could get work. She was far more experienced now but then again, she wasn't sure she knew enough Greek to ace an interview at any of those places and she was just getting good at acing an interview in English. Maybe she could be a beach bum and do nothing all day. Of course, the more she thought of this plan, the more flaws there were and as she lay there, it dawned on her that 28th birthday had come and gone and she had spent her twenty-eighth birthday on a plane to London to stop a wedding.

"Geia Sas," came a voice right beside her. She looked up and saw a very handsome Greek man with a bright white smile, tan skin, and dark hair. He was saying hello.

"Geia sas," Rachel replied.

"Poio eínai to ónomá sou?" He was asking her name.

"To ónomá mou eínai Rachel , kai i̱ dikí̱ sas?"

He sat next to her and responded with telling her his name, which was Adonis. This made her grin, he definitely looked like a Greek god but then he began talking quickly in Greek. Words she did not know. She had been impressed with herself so far. She could ask his name and say hello...and ask if he spoke English which would be her next question.

"Miláte angliká?" She asked which made him stop.

"Yes. I do….I know some English," Adonis said, that grin making her melt. "Your Greek is….is good."

"Thank you. I'm part Greek and also part Jewish. I know some stuff. Not as much as you obviously because you're from her," Rachel tried, not entirely sure she made sense.

"Hmmm, you here on vacation?"

"Yeah…..kinda. Unplanned."

"Unplanned?"

"Long story."

"Well, have you ever been to Greece?"

"No….no, I haven't."

"You want me to show you Greece?" Adonis asked.

"Oh, that's sweet….but you know, I'm probably leaving tomorrow."

"Well, then we don't have much time."

Rachel opened her mouth to protest but quickly shut it. She was alone in Greece. Alone. Monica wasn't there to judge her. Ross had abandoned her….and she had spent her twenty- eighth birthday alone on a plane.

"You know, it's my birthday."

"Really?" Adonis asked.

"Well, actually, it was a couple day ago but it sucked. Horrible."

"You're alone on your birthday, still. Not good."

"Yeah, I could use a do-over."

"Then let's go," he said as he stood and reached his hand towards her. She finished the rest of her drink and grabbed his hand, wobbling a little. She would not feel sorry for herself. She would not let Ross destroy her last day in Greece, she was in Greece. It had been a long time since she had really just gone wild. Ever since she had moved to the city, she really had put that time behind her. She had been wild because she was bored but with Monica, Chandler, Ross, Phoebe, and Joey, she was never bored. She felt enveloped by them with an amazing sense of warmth and loveliness….so there was no need to go back to her wild days, but they weren't there at the moment and she deserved it.

He led her out of the hotel and towards a motorcycle which was his. He handed her a helmet and got on, looking back at her.

"I'm a little drunk," Rachel said.

"Hold tight. I'll go slow."

"Okay," Rachel said as she put on her helmet and got on, holding on to Adonis for dear life as they rode through the streets of Greece.

It was twenty-four hours, only twenty-four hours, but those hours were amazing. She felt better than she had in months. Sure, she knew she would never see this man again but didn't matter, not when she was surrounded by so much beauty. There were the monasteries in Mount Athos and laying out on the beaches of Myrtos. Every part of the day was packed and of course, there was Adonis. He had these piercing blue eyes that made Rachel melt under him. He was perfect. He took her everywhere and that night, they danced in one of the many clubs in Greece, their bodies close together and she gave into him completely, let herself be completely taken over by this strange, wonderful man. His strong arms held her and his kisses practically melted her. She wondered if she could tell anyone or if she should keep it secret like she did so many of her past crazy nights. She could possibly tell Phoebe and maybe Joey. Chandler, perhaps. She wouldn't tell Ross or Monica….she definitely would never tell Ross.

She was in a haze, a drunk wonderful haze as he kissed her. Hard and soft kisses, wonderful kisses as he wouldn't let her go and she took him back to the honeymoon suite, the honeymoon suite that was supposed to be for Ross and Emily. There was something almost gratifying about the sex with Adonis in that honeymoon suite. It felt almost like revenge and Adonis ravaged her, made her feel as if she was on fire. She would never tell a soul.

"Chrónia Pollá Rachel," he said, wishing her a happy birthday in Greek. He kissed her neck as they lay in that huge, wonderful bed.

"Sas ef̱charistó̱", Rachel grinning, thanking him and once again was very impressed with her abilities.

"You know Jewish words too?"

"Schmuck."

"What?"

"Jerk….but you're a mensch. That's good. Oh, that's so very good," she said as he kissed her and they went again. It was a night that could only be described using every cliche she could find and that next morning, she awoke in his arms still but with a grin on her face until she realized, she needed to go home.

"Crap," she whispered.

"What?" Adonis asked.

"I have to go home."

"Where do you live?"

"New York. I have to...go."

"Why? Stay."

"Oh, honey….you're sweet but….I have to go. I have a job I have to get back to and friends and a roommate and….I have a lot of stuff I have to deal with at home. This isn't even my suite."

"What?"

"It's a really long and complicated story and…..yeah, it just is. How do say, 'we were not on a break' in Greek?"

"What?" Adonis asked.

"Never mind….but I do have to go home and I don't want to but I do have to. I have to go home. I have to face my life….."

"Do you have to go right now?" Adonis asked, kissing her again.

"Hmmm, I can wait a bit longer," Rachel grinned as she turned towards him and they shared another kiss. She would have to leave eventually but maybe one more passion filled moment wouldn't hurt.

A ten hour flight later and she was back in New York. Monica had offered to pick her up, but she declined, she was still smiling though. She didn't want to think about the drama, the craziness that awaited her as she walked into apartment 20. Ross was there when she got back. He was waiting for her along with everyone else. Everyone surrounded her when she walked in, hugging her.

"Rachel, I am so, so sorry," Ross said, practically pleading with her.

"It's okay, Ross," Rachel said.

"Really?"

"Yeah….I mean, I went to Greece. It was fun. A lot of fun," Rachel said.

"It's just-I mean-" Ross said.

"It's okay….I'm going to go unpack," Rachel said as she hugged Ross and walked into her room. As her back was turned, she heard her door open and shut.

"You got laid," Phoebe said behind her.

Rachel turned and looked at her, her mouth dropping. Phoebe was very pregnant and stared at her with a knowing look.

"I did not."

"You are such a liar. This is me, I know these things. You got laid," Phoebe said as she walked towards Rachel's bed and plopped herself down.

"I bought you fabric from London that I think you'll like. I also found a fabric store in Greece, so I'm making you an international outfit."

"You had sex. Who was he?" Phoebe asked.

Rachel gave Phoebe a look. How the hell did Phoebe know these things? Rachel let out a groan and pushed her bags onto the floor and sat with Phoebe.

"You cannot tell Monica…or anyone You and me, babe."

"I won't."

"Okay, most of my trip….I spent sobbing by the pool but the day before I left, this guy….Adonis-"

"Are you kidding?"

"Nope."

"Oh G-d."

"In more ways than you'll ever know."

"Go, Rach."

"I mean, don't you think I deserved that? I spent my twenty-eighth birthday on a plane to London….alone."

"That was your choice."

"Okay, but the flight to Greece? By the way, ….we did it in the honeymoon suite."

"Well, someone had to."

"You're not gonna tell Monica or Chandler or Joey?"

"No, I won't."

"You can't tell Ross either."

"I won't. He's calling London."

"Really?"

"He's trying to track down Emily."

"Hmmm," Rachel said as there was a knock on the door. Monica slowly opened the door and walked in.

"You alright?" Monica asked.

"I've been better. We may have to have a Twinkie and Slow Death Smoothie night. Pheebs, can you spend the night?"

"Of course….I can't move….or have the smoothies," Phoebe said.

"I'll buy you a box of Twinkies that you don't need to share with us," Monica said.

"Perfect," Phoebe said as Rachel hugged her and soon Monica joined in the hug. As she sat with the two women she considered more her sisters than her actual biological ones, she made a choice. She would for the first time…..try to be single, maybe for a year

Meanwhile, something strange was happening with Monica and Chandler. Rachel began to take note. First, there was Chandler and his kissing. Chandler kept kissing all three of the girls and it was very bizarre and weird. A few days after she got back from Greece, she decided to bring it up with Chandler over a sushi lunch.

"Okay, but what about the kissing?" Rachel asked. It was something bizarre. He just being way too kissy. Chandler was always gentle and sweet with the girls, giving them pecks on the head or hugging them, but this was a little too much.

"I was being friendly and trying to bring culture into group."

"Chandler, you and Joey once videotaped yourselves belching the alphabet."

"And?"

"What's going on with you and Monica?" Rachel asked.

"Nothing. Although...can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

Chandler looked uncomfortable as he kept taking deep breaths and twirling his chopsticks around his fingers.

"Back in...1987 when I first met Monica...did she like me? Did she say anything about me when-"

"Why do you wanna know?" Rachel asked, grinning. She knew the truth, of course. She knew Monica had liked him even back then, but she thought the question was strange.

"Just curious."

"She liked you...she thought you were cute. She thought it was insulting that you liked her more when she was thinner, but she thought you were cute."

"I liked her when she was heavier," Chandler said.

"No, you didn't."

"Yes, I did," Chandler said

Rachel gave him a look as she ate another piece of sushi. Did he really not remember calling Monica fat? Maybe he thought that she didn't know?

"Hey...do you...Monica lost a lot of weight in a year, didn't she?" Chandler asked.

That question threw her for a loop. She remembered that moment when she saw Monica for the first time after graduating high school, when she had suddenly gotten thin. Monica thought Rachel was jealous, she wasn't jealous. Far from it….that whole Thanksgiving sucked.

"She did," Rachel said.

"Impressive."

"I guess."

"You know, don't you," Chandler said.

"Know what?" Rachel asked although she knew what he was asking. He was trying to get information, but she did not want to give it to him. She didn't know for sure that was how Monica lost the weight and she didn't know how much Chandler knew.

"Know how she lost two hundred and forty pounds in a year."

"I-I-well-tell me what's going on between you and Monica?"

"No...nothing...not-"

"Fine. Then I won't tell you what I know...just...don't hurt her and take care of her. She's not as strong as she'd like us all to believe," Rachel said. There was part of her that did want to push more. Monica had fainted when she was in college. Rachel had gone to the hospital and then drove off. She wanted to know. Had Monica kept doing…..that?

"I agree...I won't. She's...I like her a lot, Rachel. I mean when I'm around her...I...I wanna work harder and-and-...I feel different with her than I did with Lizzie or Janice or Kathy. I feel-"

"Home?"

"Yeah...like, it's where I'm supposed to be."

"So are you admitting that something happened in London."

"No."

"You kinda just did."

"No, I didn't...I just...I like her a lot."

Rachel smiled as she patted his hand. He had revealed a bit too much, but she wouldn't say anything. Her mind was still stuck though on Monica and that weight loss.

"You know, Monica fainted in college, right?" Rachel asked.

"Yeah, the day after my 21st birthday. That's when I took her to the frat party and she stole my car."

"Weren't you wasted and left her alone?"

"Technicality," Chandler said.

"I called her at the hospital and I even I went and visited or was going to but I got scared and drove off….I figured she wouldn't have wanted to see me."

"Yeah, she would've. She was always on your side, Rach. Even when Pheebs and I would just eviscerate you…..she would always stick up for you. She never bad mouthed you."

"I'm sure she didn't. But….can I ask you something? Has she done….is she….."

"She's fine and I will always take care of her."

"Good."

Rachel and Chandler continued to eat and chat about other things. She kept thinking about Monica, about everything. She wondered about Monica and Chandler, about her and Ross and wondered when things started getting so complicated.

She also knew she had to really talk to Ross, she needed to discuss what was going on but that was quickly derailed by Phoebe finally giving birth. Phoebe giving birth brought back so any feelings for Rachel. Phoebe was giving her babies away and Rachel had been pregnant. She remembered being pregnant, seeing that stick with the positive sign on it. She had been sixteen.

"I can't do this," Phoebe said, looking at Rachel. It broke Rachel to look at Phoebe. No one would argue that Rachel was far and away the most emotional of the three girls. Rachel would even agree to that but seeing Phoebe on the verge of tears, broke her.

"Pheebs."

"I can't give them away. I carried them for nine months."

"I understand."

"Please, no you don't. How do you know what it's like to give up a child?"

She opened her mouth, thinking she could say something, but it was different. She had never carried a child, never grew attached to it the way Phoebe had to those triplets.

"I don't know….I'm sorry," Rachel said and reached over to hug Phoebe. Phoebe was crying in her arms. That just destroyed her.

Monica was also being strange. In an attempt to move past Ross, Rachel had decided that she would set herself and Monica up with two very attractive male nurses but when she had, both Monica and Chandler started acting bizarrely. Rachel found the whole thing so strange. It was becoming more and more apparent that something was going on with Monica and Chandler, but neither one would admit to it.

"You set Monica up?" Chandler asked, approaching her by the vending machines as she was getting coffee. She looked at him, curious as to why he was upset about this.

"Yeah, is that a problem?"

"Well, no...it's just-"

"What?" Rachel asked. "Is there a reason I shouldn't set her up?"

"No."

Rachel smiled as she took a sip of her coffee, " I mean...she's single...right? I mean, there's no other guy currently in her life... if there was, Monica would tell me...or maybe the guy would? Don't you think?"

"I'm not-nothing is happening with Monica and I."

"Okay. So it's alright if she goes out on a date?"

"Why wouldn't it be okay?"

"Okay," Rachel said, raising an eyebrow and grinning at him. She walked off towards Phoebe's hospital room. She sat by her, gently stroking her arm as Phoebe smiled at her, sadly.

"Hey," Phoebe said.

"I think…..they've hooked up."

"Who?"

"Monica and Chandler. Chandler just cornered me and asked why I set Monica up with the hot nurse man."

"Really?" Phoebe asked.

"Yep."

"I agree...something is going on."

"You know Pheebs, what you're doing….is amazing and just so strong and just-"

"I don't feel strong."

"I know….but I'll be here for you. I'm not abandoning you this time."

"Thanks….G-d, Rach….you know, it's funny, I really hated you. Probably more than Chandler….I really just thought you were what was wrong in the world, but I've never been more wrong. You're….like a big giant walking heart and that's a compliment and I love you so much."

"I love you too."

"And you and Ross will end up up together."

"Please," Rachel said.

"Where the hell is his wife?" Phoebe asked.

"True and Pheebs, thank you…..thank you for giving me that chance to be your friend."

"Always."

Rachel stayed with Phoebe as long as she could. She stayed until she was forced to leave and Phoebe gave birth to the three babies, two girls and a boy. The boy was Frank Junior Junior and the girls, Leslie, and Chandler. Apparently, Chandler had lied to Phoebe and gotten her to name one of the babies after him but when the boy baby turned out to be a girl, Phoebe refused to change the name.

"You know, Pheebs...we're so proud of you," Monica said as the group surrounded Phoebe after she gave birth.

"Yeah...G-d, the strength you have...I just...I don't know," Rachel said as she gently stroked Phoebe's head.

"I didn't wanna give them up," Phoebe cried, "I mean, I knew it was gonna be hard but I didn't realize it would be this hard. I miss them."

"So...are you going to change Chandler's name because it's a girl?" Chandler asked.

"No," Phoebe shook her head, grinning. "Karma's a bitch, isn't it?

"Because I lied and pretended I hated my name, you're gonna keep it?" Chandler asked.

"Yep."

"That's not fair," Chandler said.

"No, it's perfectly fair," Phoebe said.

"You know, Chandler is a pretty name for a girl," Rachel mused.

"Yes, yes it is," Phoebe said, glaring at Chandler. Chandler gave Phoebe a sad smile as he looked down at his hands. "I still love you Chandler Bing. Even though you're a liar...although, you aren't lying to me about anything else...are you?" Phoebe asked.

Chandler jerked his head up and suddenly looked at Phoebe and then at Monica. He quickly cleared his throat and stood up.

"I-I-I have to go to the bathroom," Chandler said.

"Me too," Monica said.

The two of them immediately sprinted out of the hospital room, leaving Phoebe, Joey, Rachel and Ross very confused.

"They're acting really weird," Rachel said. "Monica said no to going out with that hot nurse guy."

"They're hooking up," Phoebe said.

"No, they aren't...they would have told us," Rachel said, trying to change the subject. Phoebe gave her a confused look, but Rachel did not want Joey and Ross to think that Monica and Chandler were indeed hooking up, at least not now. If they were indeed keeping it secret, discussing it amongst the four of them might not be a good idea.

"Well...you guys were in London with them. Did anything happen?" Phoebe asked.

"I was little preoccupied," Ross said.

"I had a bridesmaid," Joey said.

"Something is going on," Phoebe said giving Rachel a look. Rachel just shook her head. Yes, she did think Monica and Chandler were hooking up but now was not the time. She kept sending Phoebe telepathic messages to be quiet, messages that Phoebe was clearly not getting.

That night, Rachel decided to get proof. She walked into Monica's room and saw her looking through a book, smiling at the pages and writing notes.

"Why did you cancel with the cute Nurse man?" Rachel asked, appearing in her doorway. Monica jumped and closed her wedding book and placed it over the baby name book. Rachel was looking at her curiously and shook her head.

"Oh, I changed my mind," Monica said.

"Monica, what is going on?"

"Nothing...I was just looking at my old wedding book and laughing at some of my ideas," Monica tried.

"Are you hooking up with Chandler?" Rachel asked.

"No."

Rachel walked into Monica's room and sat on the bed. Why was Monica lying?

"Mon….come on, you're both acting weird and at the hospital today, Chandler got very nervous that I had set you up and…"

"I'm seeing a guy from work," Monica said, immediately.

"Really? What's his name?" Rachel asked.

"Matthew."

"Seriously?"

"Look, it's brand new….all of this is so brand new and I don't want to mess it up and when there is something to tell….I will tell you but right now, I want to enjoy this and I want to keep this close to me. Is that okay?"

Rachel let out a sigh. She didn't believe anything Monica was saying, but Monica was very intent on keeping it secret, so she really had no choice, "yeah, your secret boyfriend won't tell me anything either. Okay, fine. I do approve."

"Thank you."

Monica and Rachel shared a hug and when they were done, Rachel began to glance through Monica's wedding book, looking through each page. She remembered that wedding book. It made her strangely happy, she loved that Monica had kept the book.

"Rachel, how are you?" Monica asked.

Rachel knew what Monica was asking. They hadn't really discussed London or Greece or anything.

"I screwed up, didn't I?" Rachel asked.

"You did."

"Thanks."

"You should not have gone to London and he should have said Emily's name but….Rach-"

"Yeah…..this isn't all my fault."

"No, no but….look, what do you want from Ross?"

"I don't know. Part of me loves your brother so much and I want us to be together but he can be so jealous and he...he still...the we were on a break thing….and maybe….even though you won't admit it, you and your secret boyfriend are doing the right thing. I don't know. I don't know what I want. I love him and I hate him and I don't want him to date anyone else but I don't want to date him."

"You need to figure it out because here's the thing….there are now casualties. Julie, Bonnie...I'll even add Joshua, that actually might have turned into something had you not been so crazed and now Emily...people's feelings are now getting hurt."

"I know. I know. I need to figure it out."

"Quickly. Also, here's the other thing, I love you to death, you know that. You're like my sister….but Ross is my brother and I will always put him above you."

"I know that too."

"So what you pulled….not cool, Rach."

"I know."

Rachel nodded as she looked back at the wedding book and felt herself tearing up and starting to cry. She thought of Greece, thought of flying back to be with Adonis…or someone like him.


	38. Chapter 38

October 1998-November 1998

Rachel tried to stay out of Ross' way. He was constantly calling Emily, constantly trying to figure out a way back to her and as the days passed, the calls were becoming more and more consistent. Finally in October, Ross had apparently reached Emily and while Rachel wasn't sure how much she wanted to know all the details, she knew Emily was asking for Ross to change a lot. Emily wanted Ross to move, sell his things and he was doing it, Rachel did think Emily was going a little too extreme but she decided to not say a thing. After all, she had done enough, but then came Emily's final ultimatum.

"She doesn't want you to see me anymore?" Rachel asked, staring at him after he had broken the news as he sat at the kitchen table across from her. She wasn't sure how to comprehend it, if she should cry, yell, scream. "But we're not together."

"I know, I know, Rachel….I told her...I just….I don't know..I need to save my marriage. I need-"

"You already told her yes, didn't you?"

"I'm sorry."

"Wow."

"What am I supposed to do?"

"Say the right name at your wedding."

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do?"

Rachel had to leave, it was too much, " I'm gonna go."

"It's your apartment."

"I'm gonna go anyway," Rachel said as she got up, grabbed her purse and walked out the door in a daze.

How could all this happen? Was this all her fault? Maybe she would have to leave the group? With every step she took, the worse she felt. She would have to leave, there was no other option for her. She walked into Central Perk and saw the rest of them. Her heart broke a little when she saw them as she plopped down.

"So….Ross told me. Emily doesn't want him near me?" Rachel asked. "I mean….I-"

"Rach-" Phoebe tried.

"I'm gonna have to leave the group. I'm gonna be Kip," Rachel said.

"You are not going to be Kip," Phoebe said.

Rachel knew some of the stories of Kip. She knew Monica and Kip had dated. She knew they broke up and that suddenly they stopped being friends with him.

"Yeah, but...Chandler, you told me you flew a toy plane at Kip's head," Rachel said.

"I'm not going to do that to you. Rachel, it's different now. I swear," Chandler said. "Besides...Joey broke my plane. He flew it into a tree."

"Dude, get over it," Joey argued.

"No," Chandler said, giving Joey a look.

"Look, Rach...we're older now. We did handle that all wrong. We were young and...he dumped Monica on New Years Eve and-" Phoebe said.

"Why did Kip get fazed out in the first place? Is was because Monica and Kip broke up, right?" Rachel asked, cutting Phoebe off. Was there more to this story?

"Tell her," Monica said, looking at Chandler.

"You can't tell me what to do," Chandler said.

"Yes, I can," Monica said.

"What is wrong with you two?" Phoebe asked.

"Nothing," both said together. Rachel gave Phoebe a confused look. Monica and Chandler had just returned work trips and were now apparently fighting. Part of her wanted to ask more questions, but a bigger part of her wanted to deal with what was happening….with her having to leave.

"Wait...tell me what?" Rachel asked.

Chandler sighed, "I told Kip that...that I liked Monica. I'm not fond of her now-"

"Bite me," Monica said.

"Yeah, I would but you'd probably make me do it ten times before I got it right," Chandler said, glaring at her. Monica glared right back.

"Guys...what-," Joey said.

"Nothing," the two said again.

"Chandler," Rachel said, wanting to get back on track. She'd ask more questions later.

"Okay, I told Kip that I liked Monica and then Kip started to date her. I was kinda mad at Kip. He wasn't fazed out just because Monica and Kip broke up."

"Yeah, 'cause G-d knows I wish I had that kind of power...you know, to have all my friends faze out whoever pisses me off," Monica said.

"Can we get back to me, please?" Rachel asked.

"Look, okay...Rach, I fazed out Kip because I was never close with him. I was closer with Chandler and Monica so I automatically sided with them. I'm closer to you than Ross. You're not getting fazed out," Phoebe said.

"It's just...ugh, I hate this," Rachel said. "I'm gonna go. I have to...this is awful."

"Rach," Phoebe said.

"No, I have to go shopping," Rachel said, getting up and walking out of Central Perk. She needed to shop again. She needed to go somewhere, anywhere. She walked in and out of her favorite stores, trying on outfits, buying clothes. She thought again of perhaps going back to Greece? Or she could try other places in the US. Bloomingdales was also in Los Angeles, they had offices there. She could put in a transfer. Los Angeles was nice, warm. She could go to the beach and she could make new friends. Sure, she really hadn't made any other friends other than the five of them since she had moved to the city, but truthfully, she never saw a need. Now there was a need….

When she finally arrived back at the apartment, she noticed a familiar face. He was cute and she recognized him, Danny. A few days earlier, before Monica had left on her work trip, they had gone into the storage area off the building to get a waffle iron and instead got spooked when they were approached by a scary looking guy who looked like a Yeti, so Rachel fogged him with bug spray.

"Danny?" Rachel asked.

"Hmmm….hey," Danny said, giving her a look.

"You shaved your beard."

"I had to. Had to get the bug spray out."

"Sorry."

"It's alright….hey, you know, I'm hungry. You wanna get pizza?" Danny asked. That seemed a little bit forward but then again, she wasn't quite ready to head up to her apartment just yet.

"Yeah, I-sure."

Danny walked off and Rachel followed. He was interesting, Danny. She had never met anyone quite like him. He was weirdly direct and honest when they spoke. He had just come back from some big hiking trip. He was definitely far more activity-oriented than she was. He was different, very different and maybe that was what she needed.

When she got back to the apartment, the rest of the group was there, eating. Rachel and Ross exchanged an uncomfortable look before she headed towards her room despite pleas from the rest of them that she stay.

"Emily would be furious if she knew I was here," Rachel said.

"I'll take the fall for it," Chandler said. "It's partially a dinner for me."

"You?" Rachel asked, confused.

"He's been clean for twenty months, we all forgot," Phoebe said.

Her eyes widened as she covered her mouth. In the midst of all the drama, she had forgotten that. How could she have forgotten that?

"Oh, my G-d," Rachel said, "I forgot too. Chandler, I'm so proud of you. I wish I had bought you something. Do you like capri pants?"

"Shockingly enough... no, seriously, Rachel, I want you here. If Emily finds out then I will explain it to her," Chandler said.

Rachel let out a sigh and nodded her head. She walked towards Chandler and gave him a hug. The good times did not last though as the phone soon rang and it was Emily. They had tried to play it off that Rachel wasn't with them, but Ross gave up and told Emily that Rachel was with them. Emily did not sound too pleased.

"Do you want me to talk to her?" Chandler asked after Ross had taken Emily off speaker phone to talk to her.

"No, man. I'm not-this isn't your battle. You already fought yours. Twenty months ago. This should be your night and I don't want you taking the fall for this," Ross said as he grabbed the phone and walked out on to the balcony only to come back with the news that his short-lived marriage was indeed over.

Rachel woke up in a tangle of blankets on the couch. Her head was on Joey's stomach and her feet were on Phoebe. After Emily had decided to divorce Ross, a group sleepover was decided upon. Chandler got the movies and they watched all the Die Hards and fell asleep. She woke and saw Ross sitting alone on the balcony. She carefully moved herself off the couch and grabbed a blanket. She walked towards the window and stepped out onto the balcony. It was definitely getting cold out.

"Ross?"

"Hey," he said and quickly wiped something away from his face. She slowly approached him and placed the blanket around both of them.

"Are you crying?" Rachel asked.

"I am twenty-nine and I have been divorced twice. I mean, what the hell?"

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have gone to London. I should have stayed with Phoebe, if I hadn't gone-"

"I probably still would have said your name. This isn't your fault, this is mine."

"Can I say something? I also think it's Emily's."

"What?"

"I mean, okay...you should not have said my name but if she was this pissed off to give you all these ultimatums and refuse to even come out here and….why the hell did she say 'I do'. I mean, I at least ran out of my wedding before I said 'I do'. I didn't put Barry through marrying him and then divorcing him. I think what Emily did was awful. Yes, say the right name...but come on, don't….what she put you through-"

"She had the right to be pissed."

"Yes, she did….don't say 'I do'."

"Yeah….and Rach, I wouldn't have cut you out. I could never do that."

"You were gonna try."

"It wouldn't have lasted. I need you in my life, Green."

"Same here….we can't get enough of each other."

"Do you think we will ever get us right?"

"I don't know. Not now, though but I do love you Ross. I love you a lot and I'm sorry."

"You got a trip to Greece. How was that trip, really?"

"Well, it sucked at first….I spent most of the time sobbing by the pool, but the last day was good, the last night was really good."

Ross gave her look, "what was his name?"

"Adonis."

"Of course it was."

Rachel giggled, "what? He showed me Greece. I'm part Greek."

"You're Jewish."

"I can be both. I have Greek relatives. So there, ha and Adonis was a gentleman and he was….so nice."

"You really are a slut," Ross teased which made Rachel laugh. Only Ross could call her that.

"I think I kind of am. I spent a long time trying to fight that, but yeah….I think I just might be."

Ross laughed as he wrapped his arm around her, holding her close to him. She smiled, resting against him. She truly adored those moments with Ross. Everyone saw the drama, but they had moments like this.

"Well, you are my favorite slutty cheerleader."

"Well, you, my friend, are my favorite Dino Divorcer."

"That sounds like I married and divorced a dinosaur. Maybe….wait, what do you call Chandler?"

"Prince Loser…..oh, Ross, the Divorce Boss."

"We will have to discuss….what do you think will look best on a t-shirt?"

"Not sure. You would marry a dinosaur though."

"I would not."

"Yes, you would. If given a choice between Uma Thurman and a T-Rex, who would you marry?"

"Uma….A T-Rex has some severe attitude problems," Ross said which made Rachel laugh. "Honestly, Rach...I'm glad you ended up having a good time in Greece."

"Adonis and I did it in every spot of that honeymoon suite."

"Good for you…..his name really was Adonis?"

"Yep."

"Is he coming to visit?"

"Nope."

"You know, the closer we get, the more I think that you may have out crazed Chandler during the six years you weren't friends with us."

"I was in a serious relationship for six years."

"Still think you have some stories you haven't told us."

Rachel merely grinned and gave a little shrug. She wouldn't tell, at least not now. Now, she just wanted to be near him. They held each other closer as they continued standing on the balcony. Maybe their dating relationship would forever be confusing but at least they would always have their friendship.

It pained Rachel to see Ross' life start spinning out of control. Soon after Emily decided on the divorce, Ross ended up moving into Chandler and Joey's apartment. He was often angry and ended up being put on sabbatical, she wished she knew how to help. She wished she could say something or do something. She tried to turn to Monica, but Monica was also acting strange as was Chandler. She was more than certain that Chandler was sneaking into Monica's room every single night, especially now that Ross was living with him. She didn't leave her room though or try to catch him, she wanted them to tell her.

She hoped she would have Danny to talk to about this but after their pizza date, he seemed to vanish and she wasn't sure how much she cared. Between her concerns for Ross and her wondering when Monica and Chandler would admit something was going on, she had a lot on her plate.

She lay in her bed, waiting. She heard faint voices in Monica's room. She could walk in there right now and she could catch them but she just couldn't. They were being weirdly secretive, but there was a small part of her that was a little jealous of their secrecy. She wondered if she and Ross would have had an easier time if they had been that quiet. She listened carefully as she soon heard the sounds of shuffling outside. She got up and walked to her door and opened it slightly. She peered out as she saw the backside of someone who looked very much like Chandler, walk out the door and shut it behind him. She let out a sigh as she walked out, towards Monica's room and slowly opened the door. She saw Monica grinning in the dark.

"You two are ridiculous," Rachel said.

"What?" Monica asked, looking at her.

"Was that your secret boyfriend?"

"I don't….come on…."

"Oh, G-d...okay, but can I ask?" Rachel asked walked over to the bed and lay down next to Monica.

"Why do you preface things like that? You're gonna ask regardless of my answer."

"Very true. Okay..who's better in bed-"

"Rachel."

"Play with me. Who is better in bed. Your secret boyfriend or….Kip."

"Oh, secret boyfriend," Monica replied.

"Secret boyfriend or that Jason guy you dated in college?"

"Secret boyfriend."

"Secret boyfriend or Pete."

"Secret boyfriend," Monica said.

"Okay, final one….secret boyfriend or Richard."

"Secret boyfriend," Monica said, knowing her face was bright red. Rachel's mouth dropped.

"Really?"

"Yeah….yeah, so much better. He's amazing. It's good. Oh, it's so good."

"Will you name him?"

"No."

"You know, I sleep in the next room. I'm being good. Last night, I had to pee and I waited until I knew he was gone to go to the bathroom so we wouldn't see each other. I am being amazing."

"I know. Thank you."

"Whatever...fine, I will let you sleep and I hope you had a good bang," Rachel said, getting up and walking towards the door.

"Hey, Rat Face Green," Monica said.

"Yeah, Monicow."

"I think I'm falling in love with him," Monica grinned. Rachel gave a little squeal.

"I have a hunch the feeling is mutual. Good night, Mon. Love you."

"Love you too….good night."

Rachel walked out and went back into her room. Sure, Monica didn't say his name but Rachel knew and it made her happy. She loved that they had both finally found each other, finally figured it out. She was also happy about something else….that bet with Ross? She had been right.


	39. Chapter 39

**November 1998- December 1998**

Thanksgiving was low key this year, that seemed to be for the best. Everyone seemed to be depressed or upset about something. Everyone but Joey, but still, low-key was the way to go and it had been going well. They ate until they could no longer eat anymore and then decided to swap stories, swap bad Thanksgiving stories. Rachel wasn't quite sure what her motive was, maybe she thought it would cause Chandler and Monica to reveal their secret relationship? She wasn't sure but soon the truths of those two horrible Thanksgivings were revealed. The Thanksgiving where Chandler had called Monica fat and the next one where Chandler lost his toe. She wasn't sure, maybe she should not have done it but she couldn't really help herself. Whatever the motive was, Chandler got pissed and stormed out of the apartment with Monica walking out after him. Ross, Phoebe, and Joey stared at her.

"Why would you bring that up?" Ross asked.

Rachel opened her mouth and quickly shut it. She had no answer. Monica stormed back into the room, glaring at her.

"Rachel, I didn't want you to tell that story," Monica said.

"What? It's a funny story," Rachel said, although she knew that was far from the truth. It had been horrible, she had been horrible.

"He developed a drug addiction after that story," Monica said, sounding stressed.

"What?" Rachel asked, playing dumb although, by the look on Monica's face, she knew she was not buying it.

"After that incident, they gave him pain meds. He got hooked. He almost flunked out of college," Ross said.

"That's why I don't like to tell that story. Because if I hadn't of...then he never would've-" Monica said, tears filling her eyes. "I caused him to become an addict."

"Monica, I keep telling you. You didn't cause that," Ross said.

"I did, Ross. I caused him to go off the deep end, I almost caused him to almost flunk out of school...I...he almost lost everything because I wanted to get revenge," Monica cried.

Ross got up and ran to her side and hugged her as she cried. Rachel knew she had messed up again. She had screwed everything up. There was nothing good about that night, she knew what had happened…and she hated seeing Monica upset and hated Chandler being upset. What if she had just messed up whatever was happening between them?

"You cannot blame yourself for that. You did not cause him to become an addict," Ross said, staring at Monica.

"I'll go talk to him," Rachel said, getting up.

"No, let me," Phoebe said, standing up, "I think I might get it."

Phoebe walked out of the apartment. Monica and Ross stopped hugging and Monica looked at Rachel who was looking very upset.

"Rachel, how do you not remember that Thanksgiving," Monica said.

"I do...I thought it was funny and I-"

"I also called you right before winter break and told you that he was dying. Don't you remember that? I told you to come and help and you said you were going to Vail with Barry and you also said to let him die because no one would miss him. Do you remember that?" Monica asked.

"I don't. I'm sorry," Rachel said, her voice barely above a whisper. That wasn't true. She did remember that phone call. Barry had been laying next to her, egging her on, mocking her. She wasn't going to mention that.

"He became addict because of me," Monica said.

"He did not," Ross said.

"It runs in his family. He grew up around booze and drugs," Joey said.

"I...I just….I messed everything up," Monica said.

"Messed what up?" Ross asked. Rachel knew Monica had slipped up a little bit. Rachel had to fix it.

"I'm gonna go talk to Chandler, I'll be right back," Rachel said as she walked out of the apartment and into Chandler and Joey's. She appeared in the doorway of Chandler's room as he and Phoebe lay side by side.

"Room for one more member in the Children of Divorce club meeting?" Rachel asked.

"Always, come here," Chandler said.

Rachel let out a sigh and walked to the bed where she sat on the other side of Chandler."I'm sorry, Chandler...I didn't know that the toe cutting incident had been the catalyst for all that other stuff. I really thought it would be funny."

Funny and well…. an act of revenge. Maybe this needed to come up for a reason? She had never told anyone in the group, never confirmed what she was pretty sure Monica already knew.

"I know," Chandler said.

"And really...it was my idea. I was the one who came up with the idea of getting you naked so Monica could steal your clothes. I didn't tell her to use a knife in the scenario but you also called my best friend fat and I had a rule...I still do...I can treat Monica like crap, no one else is allowed to. So when you called her fat...you had to pay. Not by losing a toe...but you know, general humiliation."

There was more...so much more. Yes, she was mad about what Chandler had said to Monica but he had been awful to her as well.

"Well, you succeeded," Chandler said.

"I'm sorry," Rachel said.

"It's okay," Chandler said.

"What were you two talking about?" Rachel asked.

"Comparing notes...of our youth," Phoebe said.

"You two? Well, that just sounds like fun. What next? You two gonna go jump off a bridge to see who could jump higher as you plummet to your deaths into the river?" Rachel asked.

"Next week," Chandler said.

"Ahhhh," Rachel said. "Hey, can I ask you something, Chandler?"

"What?" Chandler asked.

"Well, you know I love you, right? But...are you ever gonna be happy?" Rachel asked.

"Oh, that's my dream, Rach. That Chandler one day says everything is finally good enough," Phoebe said.

"I don't think you ever will. I think you like this. I think you're so used to being alone and having everything in chaos that you don't...that being happy just seems so foreign to you. I mean like I look at Phoebe and she had shit happen to her and...she didn't let the chaos destroy her. You seem so willing to let the chaos destroy you and I don't get that. Look at what you have. You have a job. Sure, you don't like it...but you have one. I'm convinced you have a girlfriend you're not telling us about and I think she's my roommate-"

"Rach-" Chandler began.

"I'm not done...and you have friends and I keep telling you, you got the five of us for life. We're not going anywhere, but I don't know if you believe it and I think part of you wants us to desert you so you can say, 'hey I was right,'" Rachel said.

"You don't get it though...you grew up in a perfect little world with just everything perfect," Chandler said.

"Excuse me, my parents divorced and I ran out on a wedding," Rachel said.

"When you were an adult and more apt to handle it," Chandler said.

"Huh," Rachel said as she let out a sigh. She looked over at Phoebe and Chandler and shifted a little. Maybe it was time. She could reveal it. It had been twelve years. "I had an abortion."

"What?" Phoebe and Chandler both asked together.

"Monica doesn't know about this. Neither does Ross. Hell, my parents don't even know. Only my sister, Amy. She was nineteen at the time and took me to a clinic and gave permission and all that. I was sixteen. Chip and I had sex and...I got pregnant. Chip doesn't even know that this happened. I really never told anyone. I got pregnant and Amy took me. So no, Chandler...I had shit. It was scary and painful and I wanted to tell Monica but I thought she would say something. You two can't say anything. Maybe if I'm pregnant again one day...I'll say something. But that's my secret and we all have crap. So don't think I had it perfect...I just worked really hard to make it look that way because I refuse to let my crap destroy me," Rachel said. She looked at both Phoebe and Chandler. Phoebe looked stunned and she noticed another look in Chandler's eyes. He was putting the timeline together in his head, she was certain of it.

"I'm sorry, Rach," Chandler said.

"Me too," Phoebe said.

"And in response to what you said...I do believe you five are going to stick with me. I do. I don't think you're going to wake up one day and decide to no longer be my friend and I do know I make it hard and I don't know why. There are certain parts of my life I am happy about," Chandler said.

"Like your new girlfriend you're not telling us about?" Rachel asked.

"I'm not...I-back seats" Chandler said.

"Alright, here's my advice then...don't fuck it up. Even though neither one of you is confirming anything and you're both being weird...just don't fuck it up because you know you can't do any better and for that matter, neither can she," Rachel said.

"Really? You think so?" Chandler asked.

"Oh, yeah. Monica has seemed a lot calmer and a little more laid back lately...I'd like to think you had something to do with that," Rachel said as the three fell silent. Chandler kept looking at her. He kept staring as if he knew, he had put it together and after Phoebe left with Joey to get some coffee, it was her chance. There was no turning back. He needed to know now, he needed to know the root of all her hatred towards him.

"Two weeks," she said plainly.

"Two weeks?"

"I had the abortion and two weeks later I cheered at a game...probably not smart of me, but I did and at that game, I punched a guy in the face after he asked if I had a penis and then I went for dinner and came back to see my car covered with peanut butter and the word COYOTE on the windshield. I knew who it was immediately, I did recognize you that day. I just...I wasn't in a good place and I shouldn't have pretended not to know who you were...but yeah, it was two weeks," Rachel said.

"Oh, Rachel...I-I don't-I'm so sorry. If I had known-"

"You didn't...but you did hurt me. Your comments...even at Thanksgiving, hurt me. You said once that looking at me, you could tell I was dead inside. It killed me when you said that...I know you didn't know and your friend Tyler didn't know but...it still hurt."

"I'm so sorry and if Tyler had known...I apologize on his behalf too. I've been friends with the guy for fifteen years. He would not have said that if he had known."

"I know and don't tell him. I know he's your friend, but I don't know him very well."

"I won't. G-d, Rach...G-d, I was an asshole back then."

"You're not now."

"Thanks...hey, how did Nancy know?" Chandler asked.

"Nancy didn't know."

"She did...that game, Nancy was being brutal to Monica...and you, actually and she said you had had an abortion...I thought she was just being a bully."

Her heart dropped a little hearing that. She knew it was probably a poorly kept secret, but Nancy really had been cruel.

"She probably was," Rachel said, looking at him and soon she began crying as Chandler immediately put his arm around her, comforting her, "But see, there's more to this story...it's my fault. I lied. Maybe I didn't foresee everything that would happen but I wanted revenge on you and I was mad you called Monica fat but I was even more mad about what you did to me so I pushed for her to humiliate you. I didn't want her to maim you and I really didn't think you'd end up with a drug problem...but I felt so responsible. I did and then when she called and left messages and said you got hooked on the pain killers they gave and...I just felt so bad. It was my fault. It's why I ended my friendship with Monica...I'm so sorry."

Rachel was sobbing as Chandler hugged her. Rachel buried her face in his shoulder, shaking. She wished she had been honest with him at the beginning if she had said hello to him at that game She wished she could do something.

"Rachel, no...this was my fault."

"Please, please take care of yourself," Rachel said, looking at him, "keep being healthy and...and take care of Monica too. She didn't lose two hundred and forty pounds in a year through diet and exercise. I used to bully her too like Nancy and...I know she didn't and..."

"Rachel?" Monica was standing in the doorway of Chandler's room. Chandler and Rachel looked at her, tears streaming down her face. Rachel immediately got up and walked towards Monica, hugging her. "We will talk later," Monica whispered.

"Twinkies?" Rachel asked.

"Yes," Monica said, hugging her again. Rachel walked out and back into her apartment where Ross was sitting and watching television. She sat next to him and noticed he was watching some documentary.

"Why didn't you go get coffee with Phoebe and Joey?"

"Wasn't in the mood. Are you okay?"

Rachel opened her mouth and closed it. She should say something to him, she should tell him. Chandler and Phoebe now knew and she was pretty sure Monica knew….but then again, maybe she shouldn't. Not now.

"I'm okay. How are you?" Rachel asked.

"Tired. Drained. I want this year to be over."

"I know. 1999 will be much better."

"You know what my New Year's Resolution is?" Ross asked.

"What?"

"No marriages in '99."

Rachel laughed as she slowly nodded. She and Ross high-fived each other as he turned back to the television and began watching. Rachel wasn't quite sure what he was watching, but she snuggled up next to him and he wrapped his arms around her as they continued watching in silence.

That night, Rachel was laying in her bed going over the events of the day when Monica appeared in her doorway with a box of Twinkies. Rachel grinned as Monica lay on the bed next to her and handed her a Twinkie and grabbed one for herself.

"Chandler caught me," Monica said.

"What?"

"That Thanksgiving, I was making myself throw up and he caught me."

Rachel looked at her, concerned. She didn't know that. She had been gone by that point. She had been partying with her new friends.

"Mon. See, that's why I wasn't pleased when you lost all that weight. It wasn't because I was jealous. It's 'cause I'm not an idiot."

"I know and why didn't you tell me about the abortion?" Monica asked. Rachel bit her bottom lip and looked over Monica.

"I was embarrassed and at that time, you were talking about how bad sex was and….I was embarrassed and that's why what Chandler did to my car upset me so much. Even though he didn't know, it still-"

"That's why you didn't care if he died when I called you to tell you I thought he was dying, right? That's why you hated him so much."

"Yeah...I hated him because he said all these awful things to me and in turn, I said probably worse things, which probably wasn't fair because what did he know...but I couldn't just be mad at Chip so I was angry at Chandler. It was just easier and I didn't think we'd be friends years later. I just wanted to take out my anger on someone and he was a good choice at the time...or at least I thought he was but it was bad...it was so bad and I got pregnant and had an abortion. Ross doesn't know. Please don't tell him."

"I won't, oh, Rach….I am so sorry."

"Me too. I hope that you think I'm a better friend to you now."

"Oh, of course."

"And I hope I didn't mess things up with your secret boyfriend," Rachel said, grinning.

"No. No...in fact...my secret boyfriend said that he loved me."

"He said that?" Rachel asked, her eyes widening. That was so amazing, he really had said that? She knew that was huge for him.

"Yes."

"He said those three words together?"

"Yep."

"He didn't like explode or run out of the room?"

"He did try to deny he said it at first."

"Of course he did."

"But no, he said it….those three words."

"Oh, Mon. That's huge."

"I know and it wasn't like how he does that thing where he goes, 'I love her, she's the one...I love her'...he said, 'I love you, Mon' just like it rolled off his tongue."

"Oh, that is incredible. I'll keep it quiet because we both know Secret Boyfriend scares easily."

"Secret Boyfriend is getting better though."

"Good and one more thing...seriously... as much as we talk about Chandler and his issues and how we want him to take care of himself, same for you. I know you've done it since...the throwing up thing."

"Rachel, I haven't-"

"Monica."

"Okay, I did do it after Chandler got back from Yemen," Monica admitted.

"Please, stop….don't do it….I don't know….I just it's...your friendship means so much to me and this group, this your group. You hold us all together and now hopefully, your secret boyfriend….and myself….can return the favor and hold you together."

"Always."

Monica started to cry and began to hug Rachel who was crying as well. This friendship meant the world to Rachel. Monica was the friend that mattered, the one she was so grateful for and knowing that Monica was finally happy made her feel lighter than she had in a long time.

It was early December when Chandler asked Rachel to go with him somewhere. She wasn't sure what he wanted, but he kept saying it was a surprise. Monica wasn't invited apparently which she seemed okay with and soon Rachel was in the passenger's seat of Phoebe's cab. Chandler kept driving as she kept trying to figure out where they were. Soon enough, he pulled up to the front of a two-story home in Long Island.

"Where are we?" Rachel asked.

"We're at a house," Chandler said.

"Whose house?" Rachel asked.

"Nancy's house," Chandler. "You remember her, don't you?"

"Yeah, why?" Rachel asked.

"I feel bad...really bad. I still feel horrible about what I did to you, Rach with that prank and everything...well, late revenge is better than no revenge at all," Chandler grinned.

"Oh, oh...Chandler, we're too old," Rachel said, shaking her head. She had not seen or spoken to Nancy in four years. While she did like the idea of revenge with Chandler and the idea of pranking Nancy….but she wasn't sure….

"You okayed the bug scones?"

"That was different...Emily was a raging bitch."

"And?"

"What if Nancy's changed? I changed...wait, how did you find her house? Did you tell Tyler about..." Rachel said, not really being able to complete the sentence.

"No, no...I didn't."

"I forgive you, Chandler. I mean, how would you have known? I know you meant it to be funny and under different circumstances it would have been. I really do forgive you and I'm so glad we're friends now...and I hope you forgive me too."

"I do. Okay, are you sure...I have a box in the back," Chandler said, nodding towards the back seat. Rachel peered in the back and saw a cardboard box. She got out of the car and slid in back, looking at the contents. He had packed silly string, balloons filled with what looked like whipped cream and a large jar of peanut butter. She kept looking at everything in that box. It would be amazing to get back at Nancy. Nancy was horrible, mean, she was pretty sure Nancy hadn't changed. She opened the plastic partition that separated the front and backseats.

"We're too old for this, right?" Rachel asked.

"Right."

"I mean, you're gonna be thirty next year...and I'm going into the last year of my twenties."

"Uh-huh," Chandler said. Rachel let out a sigh as she looked back at the box.

"Although, we are still technically in our twenties."

"Right," Chandler said, grinning at her " And she was really mean. I mean, she called Monica, Monicow and she was just vicious to her at that game...oh, and the fact that Nancy would tell complete strangers that you were a hermaphrodite who had an abortion. She seemed like a bitch."

"She was mean...but has the time passed?" Rachel asked.

"That's up to you...I mean, if Shane were still alive and I met him, I'd probably wanna do something to him."

"I can't believe Joey was friends with a guy like that," Rachel said. Shane had been Joey's old roommate and apparently had terrorized Chandler when Chandler was younger.

"I get the feeling Shane was afraid of him."

"Of Joey?"

"Yep."

"Tribbiani?"

"Yep."

"How?"

"I don't know," Chandler said.

Rachel let out a sigh as she picked up a big can of silly string and shook it. She stepped out of the car and began spraying the car in one long green strand and she kept going. She grabbed balloons, silly string, everything and tears streamed down her face. She wished she could turn back in time. Go back to that day of first grade when Nancy, Mindy, and Sharon had approached her, when they had told her that Rachel shouldn't eat with Monica. She should have said no, she should have been stronger. She wasn't that person. She wasn't that vicious, horrible mean person who mooed at Monica at her Bat Mitzvah. Why had she been so weak? Why had she acted that way? Why did she let Nancy have that much control? She had been so awful and that wasn't her, that had never been her. When she was finally done, she was out of breath and got back into the car and looked at Chandler.

"Now what?" Rachel said, staring straight ahead as Chandler pulled up a couple feet.

"You okay?"

"That was cathartic. She was really mean."

"Why were you her friend?" Chandler asked.

"We were frenemies," Rachel said.

"I still don't understand what that means."

"I was friends with her because you saw only a little bit of what it was like for someone who wasn't her friend," Rachel said, looking at him.

"Oh," Chandler said.

"You are such a guy. Look, okay, Phoebe and Monica, I love. They're my best friends, I would do anything for them and they're good people. But sometimes we girls have friends that...well it's not that we like them but that it's just easier to be nice to them. It's like how you were with Kip, Gandalf, and Ross. Kip and Gandalf were your frenemies."

"I liked Kip and Gandalf."

"Who did you like the best?"

"Ross. Alright, you made your point."

"Why are we still here?" Rachel said.

"We're waiting."

"For?"

"According to Tyler, I know something else about Nancy. Now, I wanna help Monica get her revenge."

Rachel nodded as they waited. She was still having a hard time catching her breath. She tried to compose herself as Chandler reached for her hand and grabbed it.

"Why was I so weak?" Rachel asked. "I was the one who started the Monicow nickname. Mindy and Sharon and Nancy told me I shouldn't eat with Monica and I called her that and I mooed her at her Bat Mitzvah and everyone would say fashion was a hobby so I said okay….I didn't even want to go to school in Long Island. I wanted to go Parsons or FIDM. I wanted to study fashion and design….I wanted….everyone kept saying I needed to get married to a doctor and….I didn't want that life, but I was so willing to go along with it. Why was I so weak?"

"You were a kid, Rach. You're not weak….now you're definitely not weak."

"Every step of the way….I'm not this vicious person, I was never this vicious, horrible person. I would have given Phoebe clothes."

"Well, you didn't know at the time it was Phoebe."

"I feel like my life started at twenty-four with you guys. Why did I go along with all of this? I slashed your tires and threw booze and pills in there and….I mean, that's awful and….you did nothing wrong. Monica did nothing wrong."

"Hey, I'm not upset with you. Monica's not upset with you. None of us are. We know you. We know who you really are. That's probably why neither Mon nor Ross ever truly gave up on you. They knew the real you...and this fashion thing, I don't think it's a hobby."

"I can make you a bowling shirt….and a sweater vest."

"Oh, you know I'd love that," Chandler said as he reached his arm around Rachel and kissed her head. She smiled as she sniffled a little. She let out a sigh as she continued trying to compose herself when suddenly the front door to that Long Island house opened and out walked a tall, older looking gentleman who stepped out and looked at the car. Rachel and Chandler were watching as the man screamed inside the house. Out walked a very heavy set woman who looked bigger than Monica had ever looked. She had platinum blonde curly hair and was wearing giant zebra print coat.

"I think we found the two hundred and forty pounds Monica lost," Rachel muttered. "That's Nancy?"

"Yeah. Hold on, take a picture," Chandler said, handing Rachel a camera. She grinned and shook her head. This was amazing. This felt like karma and an opportunity. This was an opportunity. The wheels in her head began turning. They had always said that they should have been better friends at camp, they would have made an unstoppable team. Now might be the time to prove it….

"No. Come with me...take the camera and come with me...follow my lead," Rachel said as she got out of the car. Chandler soon appeared next to her. She grabbed his hand and looked at him and then around.

"Honey, don't you think this would be an amazing neighborhood to raise a family," Rachel said, loudly. She kept staring at him. He seemed confused at first but soon, seemed to get it.

"Yeah, I could totally see raising a family here," Chandler said. Rachel kept looking around and then looked straight at Nancy. This was going to be amazing, fun, wonderful. She let out a gasp as she looked at Nancy.

"Oh, oh...I-what a small world, Nancy Branson?" Rachel said. Nancy who was still staring at her car looked over towards Rachel.

"Do I know you?" Nancy asked, looking at them with disgust.

It took all of Rachel's strength to not punch her. She understood Chandler's anger when she had pretended to not know him. Rachel was quite certain Nancy was being an ass. She and Nancy were friends for eighteen years. They went to elementary school, middle school, high school, college….they were sorority sisters and they traveled the world after college with all their friends. Nancy knew what happened in Amsterdam and Vegas and Rachel highly doubted that Nancy suddenly forgot her.

"Uh, it's Rachel...from Lincoln High. Such a small world. We were just looking at neighborhoods. Oh, this is my husband-"

"Joey Tribbiani," Chandler said, immediately. Rachel shot him a look.

"Joey. My husband, Joey," Rachel said, looking around and then noticing Nancy's car, "oh, dear what happened to you car?" She brought her hand to her mouth as if stunned.

"Nothing, just neighborhood kids...nothing," Nancy said.

"Oh...so what have you been up to?" Rachel asked.

"Married. That's my husband, Walter," Nancy said, motioning to the man now in the process of picking the stuff off Nancy's car. He looked about eighty with wrinkled skin and graying hair.

"My, my...he's old," Rachel said remembering something Mindy had told her about how Nancy was dating an old guy. She never specified how old.

"Well, he's rich so he'll die soon. Can you say, inheritance."

"Awww, nothing like true love," Chandler said.

"I know, right?" Nancy said, "what have you been doing Rachel? Last I heard, you ran out on your wedding."

What the hell? Nancy was at the damn wedding. She was even at Rachel's bachelorette party and was at that lunch that happened soon after she began living with Monica. Rachel really had to wonder if she herself was ever truly that hateful? Why was she friends with Nancy?

"I did."

"His name was, Harry?"

"Barry," Rachel said. Was Nancy joking? Nancy was part of their group. She was one of the people that sided with Barry.

"Oh, yes...and he's now married to your best friend, Mindy. That had to sting," Nancy said. Rachel wanted to kick her. She wanted to kick in her the head, the mouth, everywhere.

"Thank goodness I have better friends now...and I met Joey and he's just...amazing. Never been happier."

"Oh...do you still hang out with Monicow?" Nancy asked. Rachel wanted to say something but when she noticed Chandler step forward and open his mouth, she grabbed his arm and pulled him back. She knew he wanted to say something as well, but they had to keep going. She had to be the one to keep them going.

"Oh, no, no...I haven't talked to her since college," Rachel said, deciding to play along with Nancy's pretending. Of course, Nancy knew she still talked to Monica, but if Nancy wanted to play, then so would she, "I have no clue where she is. I did hear a rumor that she's lost a bunch a weight and she's dating some guy who's dad is a drag queen."

"Really, you heard that rumor?" Chandler asked. Rachel gave him a look before turning back to look at Nancy.

"What a loser," Nancy said.

"Really...hey, Nancy, sweetie...this is gonna sound so weird, but Joey honey, can you take a picture of Nancy and I? For old times sake."

"Oh. Rach, I don't know," Nancy said.

"You look beautiful," Rachel said, lying as well. She knew she looked far hotter and more importantly, she knew Monica would love these pictures because Monica looked amazing.

"I'll take the pictures," Chandler said as Rachel immediately posed with Nancy and Chandler began snapping away. Rachel kept grinning until she decided they were done. Once in the car, Chandler just kept staring at her.

"I have never been more terrified of you in my life," Chandler said.

"Thank you. Hey, I may have changed but honestly, the bitch never dies...by the way, Joey Tribbiani?" Rachel asked.

"Oh, please...you heard Monica is dating a guy whose dad is a drag queen?"

"I have heard that rumor. Oh, come on...can you please admit it?"

"No, but I think we should get these pictures developed."

"I agree. I can't wait to show Mon...she's gonna be so happy that Nancy's fat," Rachel said.

"Really?"

"Have Phoebe, Monica and I taught you nothing? It's a girl thing. Trust me, Monica will be ecstatic."

Chandler laughed as he drove off to the nearest photo shop to get the pictures developed. Rachel kept smiling, she felt vindicated.

"Can we visit Brian?" Rachel asked.

"Sure. Is he here?"

"Yeah. At the cemetery where Monica and Ross' grandmother is buried. I kinda feel like he may have had something to do with this."

"How very Phoebe of you."

"I know, right."

"We will get the pictures developed and then go visit him."

"Okay, thank you."

Chandler kept driving until they reached a photo place and after getting them developed, they drove towards the cemetery. After parking, they walked towards Brian's headstone. It was covered with weeds and it looked unkempt. This killed her.

"He was right. He said that if he came out, his parents would disown him. At Mindy and Barry's wedding, they said they only had one son. How do you forget your child? I really loved Brian. He was amazing and Brian, this is Chandler. He's the guy who had the red version of your Corvette. He was the one who drove his car into a house," Rachel said as she wrapped her arm around Chandler's waist. Chandler draped his arm around her shoulders.

"Yeah, and thanks for cutting out a clipping of it and giving it to Rachel," Chandler said, with his signature sarcasm.

"I still have it," Rachel grinned.

"You can throw it out."

"Why?" Rachel asked.

"I'm still in mourning."

"You drove a car into a house. It was funny."

"It was not."

"Brian and I cracked up. Actually, Brian thought I was somehow responsible because I had said to him once that I hoped you crashed your car into a house. I didn't want anyone to get hurt, but I wanted you to crash your car…..and then you did."

"Oh, my G-d, it's your fault."

"Uh, honey, you still drove the car into the house."

"Whatever happened to Brian's Corvette?"

"I don't know. I didn't ask. What if I said no to Barry's proposal and moved in with Brian. He had asked. He said I should bust free and move in with him. I could've made up with Monica earlier and all of you and-and-he'd still be alive. If I just-"

"No, he wouldn't have."

"What?"

"If he was addicted….if he had a problem, it wouldn't have mattered what you did."

She looked at him and then back at the grave. She wanted to cry again, but instead she stood silently. They stood quietly a bit longer until it got too cold to remain out there and soon they drove back to Central Perk.

When Chandler and Rachel walked back into Central Perk, Monica was sitting on the orange couch, drinking coffee and reading. They exchanged looks and they walked towards her, Chandler pulling the newly developed photos out of his jacket pocket as they walked towards Monica. Chandler dropped the photos on Monica's lap. She looked up as Rachel and Chandler sat on either side of her.

"Where the hell have you two been? I was about to start getting worried," Monica said as she picked up the photos.

"Look at the photos," Rachel said.

Monica did. As she looked through each one, her mouth dropped as she recognized the girl in the photos. She looked back and forth between Chandler and Rachel who were both grinning.

"Nancy's fat?" Monica asked.

"Huge," Rachel said. "She's bigger than you ever were."

"Oh, oh I'm so happy," Monica squealed as she and Rachel hugged.

"I knew you'd be happy. Chandler doesn't get it," Rachel said.

"I know. He's a boy...wait, wait...her car...what did you two do? How did you even find her house?" Monica asked.

"I know people," Chandler said.

"Wow...scary. You two really are scary," Monica said.

"I keep saying...we should've been better friends at camp," Chandler said.

"You filled her bed with peanut butter," Monica said.

"'Cause Rachel dropped a girl's toothbrush in the toilet," Chandler said.

"What?" Monica asked, looking over at Rachel.

"No, I didn't. I never did that...who said I did that?" Rachel asked.

"Lizzie said you did," Chandler said.

"Oh...ohhh...okay, Chandler...alright, I gotta come clean, I know you liked that girl but she was a bitch," Rachel said. It was time to tell the truth.

"She wasn't," Chandler argued. "She was very nice to me."

"'Cause she loved you...I didn't drop a toothbrush in the toilet. Lizzie did and told the girl whose toothbrush it was that I did it...she put all the blame on me and then she told you 'cause she knew you'd do something because she hated me and you liked her," Rachel said.

"You know, I hated her too," Monica said. "First, she let you get away with way too much crap and second...she was the one that made that comment that I got you hooked on drugs."

"She was upset," Chandler said.

"And you told her I was bulimic," Monica said.

"You told her that?" Rachel asked.

"Wait...I-what-how do you know I told her that?" Chandler asked.

"You just admitted it," Monica grinned, "and...and when we were staying at your house, helping you through your first set of withdrawals, every time I went to the bathroom, she was around and we were talking one night about you and she said you said it...and I didn't wanna believe it."

"I was on drugs," Chandler said.

"I don't care," Monica replied.

"I apologize and...wait, Rach, you really didn't drop someone's toothbrush in the toilet?" Chandler asked.

"No. I never did that. Lizzie hated me," Rachel said without adding that she now felt Lizzie probably had every right to hate her.

"You were mean," Chandler said.

"I understand that...but I didn't do anything to anyone's toothbrush," Rachel said.

"You really were an ass when you were younger," Monica said looking at Chandler as she gently patting his leg.

"I know, I know," Chandler said. "But I hope I'm not now."

"No, you're good," Monica said before looking back at the pictures, "I can't believe she's fat."

Rachel laughed as she and Monica continued glancing through them and Rachel began pointing out random things about Nancy such as her eighty-seven-year-old husband. Chandler soon got bored of their gossip and eventually declared he was going to go back upstairs and play with Joey, which was fine.

"And you know what else? Nancy pretended like she had no idea who I was or that I ran out on my wedding….she was in my wedding? She knew I was living with you? Karma?"

"Nancy was always miserable."

"Was I really as bad as Nancy was?"

"You want the truth?"

"Yes."

"You were worse...look Nancy was just always a bitch, you weren't. You were pretending to be something you never were. You had lists and rules and….I felt like I was caught up in this strange world and you….you were far worse because you were trying so hard to be something you just weren't."

"You know if I could go back to that day in first grade when Sharon, Mindy, and Nancy said I couldn't eat with you. I would have told them that they weren't the bosses of me and I would have continued eating with you. I was dumb."

"Don't….no, you weren't and I will say that I loved our pantry sessions because I got to finally see you and see how sweet and kind you are. I loved those moments."

"Me too. I love you so much, Mon."

"Feeling is very mutual. You're my sister."

Rachel smiled as they hugged again and they continued to look at pictures. Her heart felt so full sitting there and soon they were joined by Phoebe and filled her in on the gossip and she loved that Phoebe acted like she had known Nancy and hated her too. She really had spent so much unnecessary time posing and at that moment she could think of nothing else she'd rather be doing than sitting with Phoebe and Monica, mocking people from their past.

23


	40. Chapter 40

**January 1999-February 1999**

She had picked up the phone to call her mother. She had wanted to call her to wish her a Happy New Year, but instead Rachel got an earful. When she picked up the phone, she heard Monica saying something about coming over later. Then she heard Chandler ask what they would tell Rachel, Monica saying something else and it moved into dirty territory, Rachel cringed when she heard Chandler say something and then Monica said something. She wasn't exactly sure she could recall or maybe her brain blacked it out as if it had been some sort of trauma. She managed to hang up the phone and stood frozen.

"Hey, Rach," Monica said which caused Rachel to scream and jump fifteen feet in the air.

"Oh, hi Mon."

"What's wrong?"

"Just….you know, thinking of sanitizing the phones. Mon, who were you on the phone with?"

"No one."

"Monica….I know Chandler's voice when I hear it."

"Look, I have to go," Monica said, walking towards the door.

"I know who your secret boyfriend is. This is the worst kept secret ever."

"I have-"

"I've been patient, that phone call was gross. I'm gonna have to like cut off my ears."

"Clean up when you're done."

Rachel let out a groan, this was getting ridiculous, "when is this going to end? I mean, come on, I know and you know I know and Chandler probably knows I know. This has been going on for eight months. It's no longer a hook up, it's a full blown relationship."

Monica's shoulders relaxed as she looked at Rachel, "what if you and Ross had not told anyone about your relationship, do you think you'd still be together?"

"I don't know."

"We look at you and Ross and it scares us. You guys are so intense and when you fight, it affects all of us. We are all involved. When….Ch-secret boyfriend and I fight, it's just between us and you know secret boyfriend scares easily, although he might not be the only one. I don't want what you and Ross have and neither does he. Let's us do this and when we're ready-"

"It's not always that intense, Ross and I. You make it seem like we have this horrible relationship. Yes, there's drama and intensity and fighting…..but he is my best friend and I know I'm his," Rachel said, feeling a little defensive of her relationship with Ross.

"I'm sorry."

"And you and secret boyfriend have some pretty intense stuff too that you have to work with."

"I know, I'm sorry Rachel….I didn't mean it like that. You guys have your balcony chats."

"Always."

"Have you told Ross anything about secret boyfriend?"

"No."

"Thanks," Monica said, giving her a grin before walking out the door. Rachel let out a sigh and walked towards the couch and plopped herself down. It upset her to know that the reason Monica and Chandler were keeping their relationship secret was because they didn't want to be as dramatic as she and Ross were. She and Ross had issues, but they always knew how to have fun.

"Hey, Rach," Joey said walking into the apartment, carrying a comic book. "Can I read in here?"

"Are Monica and Chandler doing it at your place?" Rachel asked a little too bluntly. Her eyes widened as did Joey's. She was a bit nervous, thinking she revealed something she should not have but the look on Joey's face seemed to say otherwise.

"No….what?"

"Joey, do you know something?"

"I don't know anything."

"Joey," Rachel said as Joey sat on the couch next to her and opened his Batman comic. Rachel grabbed it out of his hand and stared at him. "You know."

"I don't know."

"Joey."

Joey let out an annoyed sigh, "well, how do I know this isn't a trap?"

"I just heard them having phone sex."

"I've been there."

"How long have you known?"

"Too long. How long have you known?"

"Too long. Monica and I refer to him as 'the secret boyfriend'".

"Why are they being so weird?"

"According to Mon, it's because Ross and I have scared them because we're so intense and that's insulting," Rachel said.

"Well, you are intense."

"More intense than Chandler? The man has more baggage than a luggage store."

"It's different but this can't keep going."

"It really can't….although, can I tell something?" Rachel asked.

"No more secrets."

"No, no….they got together in '98. Ross and made a bet. He thought they'd get together this year. I said last….ha, I win."

"Seriously? I got money from Chandler."

"You did?"

"And he will owe Pheebs money when it all comes out but before we left for London, Phoebe and I said that if something happened with him and Monica, he owed us money."

"Wow….and you know, Ross and I are not always fighting or-"

"I know. You two do have a lot of drama."

"I wish i knew why….'cause I do love him. A lot."

"I know."

Rachel smiled as she handed him back him comic book. She turned towards the television and turned it on. She wasn't really paying attention, still thinking about her and Ross. Maybe things would be different this year. Maybe they would finally be able to figure it out. She really wasn't sure how much she liked the reputation her relationship with Ross seemed to have within the group.

She kept it secret still and she loved that now Joey knew. It made it so much better but since Ross was still living in Chandler and Joey's apartment, Chandler spent most nights in Monica's room and sneaking back out at night. It was driving her crazy and she wanted nothing more than the secrets to end.

He had asked Phoebe and Rachel to go look at Ugly Naked Guy's apartment. Ross was interested in getting it and Rachel was all for it. When Ross went to get an application, Phoebe and Rachel looked around the apartment that they and their friends had only seen from across the street.

"If you and Ross became roommates, then the six of us would be literally always be within feet of each other," Rachel said, running her fingers along the back of the couch before suddenly remembering that an ugly naked man often made himself comfortable on that couch.

"Oh, no….I already survived one Geller," Phoebe said, grinning at her as she walked towards the window. That made Rachel laugh.

"You know, lately, Mon has gotten a lot more laid back," Rachel said. "I mean, I left my boots infront of the TV last night by accident and she said nothing."

"Really? Maybe she's getting laid."

"Hmm, yeah...I really hope Ross gets new furniture."

"Oh my G-d," Phoebe said suddenly causing Rachel to look up and notice Phoebe staring out the window into Rachel and Monica's apartment, "oh my G-d. Monica and Chandler! What are they doing? Oh my G-d!"

Rachel raced towards her and noticed Chandler pinning Monica up against the window as he started to tear at her clothes.

"Oh, G-d," Rachel said, "Pheebs-".

"My eyes, my eyes," Phoebe yelled as Rachel tried to calm her down.

"You have got to stop screaming," Rachel yelled.

"They're doing it?"

"Yes, yes...I know, Joey knows but Ross does not know so you have to not say a word."

"How long has this been going on?"

"Nine months. Since London."

"How long have you known?"

"I've had feelings for awhile, we've been referring to Chandler as the secret boyfriend."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"It wasn't confirmed."

"Oh my G-d," Phoebe said.

"What?" Ross asked, walking into the apartment.

"Oh my G-d, this apartment is amazing," Phoebe said.

"Yeah, let's go look at the kitchen," Rachel said, grabbing Ross' arm and pulling him off. The apartment was fantastic and Rachel made a mental note to tell Monica that maybe she and her secret boyfriend should stop doing it against the window.

The plan to get Monica and Chandler to come clean was hatched at Central Perk with Phoebe and Joey. Phoebe would seduce Chandler until he broke. Rachel was on board. Joey just wanted everything out in the open and so Phoebe went about seducing him. Rachel was definitely enjoying watching Chandler freak out and watching Phoebe raise the stakes. She and Joey waited outside while Phoebe and Chandler kept playing when he suddenly started yelling about how he could not kiss Phoebe and the reason: he was in love with Monica.

Rachel and Joey stared at each other stunned. She knew she had never heard Chandler declare his love for anyone that loudly and it seemed, neither had Joey.

"Did he just say what I think he just said?" Joey asked as they walked into the apartment and Chandler was yelling about how he was in love with Monica. Phoebe looked equally stunned as Monica emerged from the boy's bathroom and walked towards Chandler.

"You're in love with me?" Monica asked.

"Yeah," Chandler said. "I'm in love you. I mean, it's you. I'm in love with you."

"I love you too," Monica said as she leaned in to kiss him. Rachel started to sniffle as tears filled her eyes. Joey stared at her.

"Relax, he's not in love with you," Joey whispered. Rachel playfully elbowed him and let out a laugh as Joey put his arm around her.

"I didn't know you were in love, I just thought you were doing it," Phoebe said.

"How did you find out?" Monica asked.

"I saw you two doing it up against the window when we went with Ross to look at Ugly Naked Guy's apartment," Phoebe said.

"Oh my G-d….Ross is moving into that apartment. We have to tell him," Monica said,

"Not tonight," Chandler mused.

Monica laughed as Chandler still held on to her. It was very sweet watching the them, the way Chandler stared at Monica, it made Rachel a little sad. It had been a long time since anyone had looked at her like that. She missed being in love, missed having someone love her in that way.

"Okay, I am going home," Phoebe said. "It's been a long night."

"Oh, let me walk you out Pheebs," Chandler said as he walked towards Phoebe and the two disappeared. Monica was still grinning.

"You got him to say he was in love with you," Rachel said.

"I know."

"You know he loves me more though," Joey said which made Monica laugh.

"Joey, stop being weird. Jandler is over. It's now Mondler time," Rachel said.

"No, no….Jandler will never be over," Monica said, squeezing Joey's hand. "Oh, G-d….I can't stop smiling. He's my best friend. I am dating my best friend."

"It's amazing isn't it?" Rachel asked.

"It won't be like you and Ross, though," Monica said.

She really wished Monica would stop saying that. It made it feel like nothing good had come out of that relationship.

"I know. You and Chandler will be so much better. You'll be the anti Ross and Rachel," Rachel smiled.

"Okay," Monica said.

"Although, I don't think Ross and Rachel were that bad," Joey said, giving Rachel a look. She smiled at him and turned back to Monica who looked concerned.

"No, no you weren't…..I shouldn't be saying we won't be like you."

"I don't really like it," Rachel said. "But-"

"I'm sorry….you and Ross make a pretty good team. When you two are good, you're fantastic. "

"Thanks and I agree."

"Please don't tell Ross, 'cause I know you two tell each other everything. I really want to be the one to tell him this," Monica said.

"I won't."

Monica could not stop smiling and Rachel was so happy for her friend and happy for Chandler as well. She loved that they were now officially a couple, but there was that sadness she felt. She wasn't exactly sure what it was but it did make her sad.

That night, she sat in her room looking through her old box of memories. There was the clipping from Chandler's car accident, there were pictures from her time with Ross and an old folded up piece of paper, she opened it and grinned. It was that MASH game from so long ago. Monica had chosen Chandler as her husband. She folded it back up and put back and slid it under her bed. She looked towards the wall, maybe she could give them a night. She slowly walked out of her room and into Monica's where she saw them kissing and holding on to each other. They looked very sweet.

"Hey, you two," Rachel knocked on Monica's door and was smiling at both of them. "Chandler, I'm gonna sleep in your room tonight. I'll let you two have the apartment to yourselves."

"Thank you," Monica said.

"Thanks….and don't mess up my stuff."

"Oh, no….don't worry, I'll mess up your stuff," Rachel said.

"Thanks," Chandler said.

"Also, thank you for keeping it a secret and not coming out of your room when Chandler was here. We both knew you knew," Monica said.

"Oh, I knew. Love you both but….yeah, I knew and I'm very happy," Rachel said before walking out and into the guys apartment where Joey was watching a tape of Baywatch.

"Hey, what's up?" Joey asked as Rachel grabbed a blanket from Chandler's room and plopped herself down on one of the recliners.

"Hey, I'm gonna sleep in Chandler's room tonight. I'll let them be alone."

"You alright?"

"Yeah, just….I'm sad."

"About what?"

"I'm single. I mean, I guess...I just...I want...I wish...I don't know-"

"You'll find someone."

"Who?"

"Who would not want you?"

"That's sweet. I'm just tired of being single. I want to date someone….someone not Ross," Rachel said as she looked back at the television. She felt stuck. She was starting the new year, stuck. After everything that had happened last year, she felt like she was just going nowhere. She was still doing personal shopping at Bloomingdales and she was still very single. Something had to change and quickly.

"You know, you and Ross will end up together," Joey said, glancing over at her.

"I don't know….but apparently we have a reputation."

"From Monica and Chandler? Come on….you're gonna take relationship advice from two people who thought the best way to have a relationship was to keep it secret?"

"True...but still-"

"You and Ross are fine. Don't worry about it."

Rachel smiled as she continued to watch Baywatch with Joey. She just couldn't stop thinking, though and that night could barely sleep. Chandler's bed was comfortable, but it was her thoughts that were keeping her up. There needed to be some changes in 1999, something new, something different.

The next morning, she was happy to see Joey had made her breakfast. Cereal. It was still nice as she took a spot at the counter. Joey handed her a spoon and she began eating.

"You feeling better?"

"Hmmm….I don't know. How 'bout you, Joe?"

"What about me?"

"Have you ever had a relationship that has lasted longer than a night."

"I have."

"Okay, longer than two nights."

"You have a very low opinion of me, Green," Joey said, giving her a grin.

"I don't...I….okay, when I met you at that fashion week party, you hit on me even though I said I had a boyfriend and I was there with the brother of that boyfriend."

"Yeah, but from what you've told me about Barry and Brian. I don't think Brian would've cared if you hooked up with me."

"No, I don't think so either."

"And you were in Brian's pants the whole time."

"I was not. I was….near his pants, definitely not in them."

"Okay, let me ask you….if Brian had been straight, would you have hooked up with him?"

"Oh G-d, yes," Rachel said. Joey laughed as he shook his head.

"See and you know, just because you've had more serious relationships than I have….doesn't make you better."

"I didn't say that….but have you ever….you know….you have any regrets? Of girls you should have called or wish you had been more faithful too?"

"Hmm, some."

"Like?"

Joey opened his mouth and Rachel was listening intently when they heard a pounding outside. Rachel and Joey exchanged confused looks until they heard Ross yelling for Monica and Chandler.

"Well, seems like the time has come to get your money," Joey grinned as they got up and walked towards out just as Monica was opening the door to the apartment. Rachel and Joey followed Ross in as he stomped into the apartment.

"What's going on?" Rachel asked.

"I'm going to kill Chandler," Ross ran towards the bathroom.

"I think he may have found out about them," Joey said, giving her a look. Rachel shook her head.

"Ross, come on...calm down," Monica said, grabbing his arm.

"What the hell is going on?" Ross asked.

"I will tell you if you calm down," Monica said. "And Chandler get out of the bathroom."

"Will Joey protect me from Ross?" Chandler asked, from behind the closed door.

"I'm on it man," Joey said as he walked towards the bathroom.

"Wow," Monica said looking towards Rachel. Rachel let out a snort and shook her head.

"Never underestimate the power of Jandler," Rachel said.

"What is going on?" Ross asked.

"Sit down," Monica said, leading her brother towards the big chair. She looked back at Chandler as he opened the door to the bathroom and looked cautiously at Ross.

"I got you, buddy," Joey said.

"Joe, Rach….can you guys give us a moment?" Monica asked.

"Come on, Joey. I think we should let them talk," Rachel said, motioning for to him join her. Joey looked between Chandler and Monica, nervous.

"If you go, I will make you French toast for breakfast when you come back," Monica said.

"Okay, good luck buddy," Joey said, patting Chandler on the back and walking out of the apartment. Rachel followed him out. She knew she would probably have to check in with Ross later, but she also wanted to finish the conversation she and Joey were having earlier. That fascinated her. When it came to the three boys, she knew the least about Joey. She had grown up with Ross and given their history, she knew everything about him. She also knew Chandler well…..but Joey?

"Things are definitely changing," Joey mumbled, eating cereal.

"Who are the women?"

"What?"

"Who are the women that you regret blowing off? I mean, have you ever really been in love?"

"What is with the questioning?"

"I wanna know. I feel like out of everyone, I know the least about you. Except that you come from a big family, you're a pig and you have mafia ties."

"That's all you really need to know."

"Tell me something that Chandler doesn't even know. Come on, please…..did you ever whack anyone?"

"No."

"Really?"

"Alright….when I was in construction, I had an opportunity to get into that part of the business but I couldn't. It…..it wasn't the kind of life I wanted. I saw some stuff that I didn't really like and….okay, you know how I said my roommate died of a drug overdose?"

"Shane?"

"Yep….I am convinced though no one has come out and said it, I am convinced that there is more to the story than an overdose. I think someone helped him."

Rachel's eyes widened as Joey continued eating his cereal. Her mouth dropped. What more was there?

"Oh my G-d."

"Say nothing."

"I won't….but why do you think someone helped him?"

"Because when I left for Los Angeles, he was clean and had been for a long time. He's was actually doing pretty good with his sobriety and a couple weeks before I came back, he began hanging out with a cousin of mine, Christopher, who had drug problems. Something happened...I don't know the full story. I just keep being told that I don't need to know."

"Oh my G-d…..Shane was an asshole. What he did to Chandler?"

"I didn't know he did that and he was."

"Hmmmm…." Rachel kept looking at Joey. He seemed so sweet, so innocent but there so much else there. She so badly wanted to know more but it seemed Joey did not want to discuss it further.

That night, Monica decided to sleep in Chandler's room. It was decided that Monica and Chandler would switch off nights so that Joey and Rachel each got the apartment to themselves a couple times a week. She figured maybe she'd invite Ross over. Joey was out on a date, Phoebe went out with her other friends and Monica and Chandler went out together. The two sat out on the balcony, drinking wine and staring out into the night.

"So I live there now," Ross said, motioning across the street.

"I know...by the way, you owe me money."

"What?"

"I said they'd get together in '98. You may have found out in '99, but they hooked up in '98."

"Wait, you knew and didn't tell me?" Ross asked, looking at her. Rachel cringed a little.

"They hid it and it wasn't completely confirmed, even though I knew, but they never really came out and said it."

"Hmmm."

"How are you with them together?"

"I like it. They're good."

Rachel let out a sigh as she took a sip of her wine, she looked over at Ross. She still kept thinking about what Monica was saying about Rachel and Ross.

"Ross?"

"Yeah."

"Monica said the reason she and Chandler kept it so private was because they didn't want to be like us. Are we that bad as a couple? Are we dramatic and….do you think it would have been better if we had been private?"

"No and I think it's stupid what they did. They knew it would come out and it would be really hard to keep it secret and I didn't need to look out my window and see them going at it," Ross said.

"They've got to stop doing it in front of the window."

"I don't think….I like how we are….we're honest and...yeah, it can be dramatic and intense...but there's no one else out there for me, Rach. You're my best friend."

"Same here. I just we could be together and have it be healthy."

"Maybe someday….but….not now….I don't think I can date anyone right now."

"I understand that. I may need to start dating people."

"I hate him."

"I haven't gone out with anyone yet," Rachel said, confused.

"Doesn't matter. He's an asshole and I hate him."

"Yeah, we have a healthy, normal relationship," Rachel grinned. Ross took a drink of his wine and grinned.

"Totally."

"So what do you know about Joey's mob ties?" Rachel asked.

"Nothing, what do you know?" Ross asked, staring at her. Rachel grinned and sat up, turning towards him and immediately began telling him about her conversation with Joey earlier. They continued to gossip, chat and drink wine. As the hours wore on, she began to feel a lot better about her relationship with Ross. Monica and Chandler could say whatever they wanted, it didn't matter. The intensity worked for them.


	41. Chapter 41

March 1999-April 1999

Of all the interviews, she had been on, the one at Ralph Lauren would have to go down as the worst interview ever. She was interviewing for a position of coordinator of the women's collection and she kissed the HR Manager. She wasn't sure how it happened or what she was doing, but she did it and through a series mishaps that she wasn't even sure she understood, she somehow got the job. She would be working at Ralph Lauren. This would be huge. She was freaked and on her first day, Chandler took her to lunch. Ralph Lauren was actually on the same street as his office. She could actually see him from her office window.

"How the hell did you get that job?" Chandler asked over Mexican food. She stuck a chip in her mouth and shook her head.

"I don't know. That was the worst interview…..there will be studies about how bad that went."

"He must have thought you were good."

"Or a good kisser?"

"Maybe. So, how are things?"

"Good...but….1999 is going to be my year. I have a good job now and….now I have to date."

"Okay. Who are you dating?"

"I don't know. But someone...I mean, honestly, I have not had a serious relationship since….well, Ross. I'm not even going to count Joshua. That was nothing. This can't happen."

"You know, it's not bad to be single."

"You hated being single," Rachel said.

"Yes, but I was single for longer periods of time."

"I need a boyfriend. I need to move on from Ross, officially. He's not dating right now and…."

"Emily's getting married again."

"Their divorce was like just finalized."

"I know."

"So weird."

"I know that do."

Rachel shook her head as they continued to eat. She wanted to move forward. That was the plan. The job was the first step. She was going to be twenty-nine in two months. Her thirties were just around the corner and she needed to just go forward and she would do that first by throwing herself into work.

Those first twenty days at Ralph Lauren were incredibly busy. She was in and out of meetings, getting to know all of her co-workers, learning the ropes. She had worked so hard, she had almost forgotten to buy a gift for Chandler's birthday. It was now April 8th, his thirtieth and she had wanted to get him something amazing. She had been so busy that she had not had a moment to ask what was being planned, but she knew Monica was probably planning something. In fact, she was sure of it because Monica kept asking her when she was going to be home and was acting weird.

After work, she stopped at a vintage clothing store she knew Chandler would love and picked up several bowling shirts and immediately headed home. When she opened the door and turned on the lights, suddenly she was face to face with her co-workers and her friends yelling surprise….for her? The party was for her? This was confusing.

"Wow….but….my birthday isn't until next month," Rachel said.

"That's the surprise," Monica smiled, walking over to Rachel to hug her.

"That's great, thank you but why isn't the party for Chandler? His birthday is today," Rachel said and suddenly the room went silent as everyone stared at Chandler. Did everyone really forget his birthday? How had that happened?

"Yeah, that's-that's what I wanted to tell you Mon," Chandler said.

"Oh my G-d," Monica said.

"But you know….let's party," Rachel tried, trying to make it all less awkward. Soon people began to socialize and Monica looked like she was about to cry. Rachel watched as Monica walked up to Chandler to talk to him. He just walked off. Rachel's heart broke. This whole thing was a complete mess. Ross walked over to Monica who was sobbing.

"Worst party ever," Phoebe said as she walked over to Rachel, holding a drink. Rachel walked over to Monica, placing her arm around her.

"I'm sorry….thank you for the party," Rachel said.

"How did I forget? And here's the thing, here's a man who some people thought wouldn't even live to see thirty and we forgot his birthday," Monica said. "This is a big deal and we forgot. I forgot…."

"We will make this up to him," Rachel said.

Monica shook her head and walked off. Rachel let out a sigh as she looked at Chandler and watched him as he walked towards the bar and poured himself a drink. She remembered she still had her gift for him in her hand. She walked towards him and handed it to him.

"Open it."

"It's your birthday gift. I don't want it."

"Open it, Prince Loser," Rachel said.

"Waiting for you jump off a cliff, Princess," Chandler grumbled as he grabbed the gift. He opened the box and looked inside. "Thanks."

"We will make this up to you. It's your birthday, not mine. Don't be an asshole."

"Too late for that," he said as he handed her the gift and poured himself another drink. He pounded that one back too and walked off. She felt angry, pissed off as Phoebe approached her.

"He's gonna get trashed tonight," Phoebe said.

"How did you guys forget?"

"I don't know. I don't know what happened."

"You know what he's gonna do? He's gonna get trashed and use this as proof we don't like him."

"You know, on my thirtieth….I kissed him and tried to get him to admit he was in love with Monica."

"Yeah, but you got like two hundred bucks, didn't you?" Rachel asked.

"You knew about that?"

Rachel laughed as she continued to watch Chandler. He kept getting even more drunk until he walked out the door. After Monica walked out after him, Phoebe and Rachel walked towards Joey and Ross on the couch and sat across from them.

"So...we have to do something," Rachel said.

"He got so drunk today," Joey said, "and I feel bad. How did this even happen?"

"He really has a drinking problem, doesn't he?" Rachel asked looking at Ross.

"Yeah….and I'm sure this didn't help," Ross said.

She wished there was something she could do, anything. Maybe they could change the name of the cake? There was a cake on the table and maybe that's what they could do? They had to do something. Phoebe grabbed a post-it and wrote, "Chandler" on it and covered Rachel's name. Joey left to go up to the roof to get Chandler and Monica. When the three finally returned, Rachel walked up to him and grabbed his arm. She cringed slightly at the smell of booze and cigarettes that seemed to surround him.

"We are so sorry, Chandler," Phoebe said.

"I'm fine," Chandler said, "Happy birthday, Rachel."

"No, we're turning it around. Blow out the candles," Rachel said as they approached the cake that now had his name on it "Although...how drunk are you?"

"Look, we'll make this up to you," Ross said.

Chandler smiled as he leaned in and blew out the candles as everyone cheered and tried to turn it around.

"I'm getting a drink," Chandler grinned as he walked off. It didn't work. It tore her up even though she knew it wasn't her fault but this was officially the worst party ever.

A few days later, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel went to brunch and Monica was still complaining, still upset about the party.

"We forgot his birthday? How the hell did we...how did I forget...he's my boyfriend," Monica said.

"I liked the party...and you know what we can do? For my birthday next month, we'll celebrate Chandler. Thirty is a far bigger deal than twenty-nine," Rachel tried.

"I'm the worst girlfriend ever," Monica said.

"Well, was he upset?" Phoebe asked. That seemed like a dumb question to Rachel. Of course he was upset, Phoebe was there.

"No, but you know Chandler. He's just gonna sulk and not say a word, except maybe make stupid jokes about it. I am a horrible girlfriend...why is this man even dating me? I mean, I'm responsible for him developing a drug addiction and then I completely forget to celebrate when he had been clean for a year and...I forget his thirtieth birthday," Monica said.

"My G-d, you sound like him," Rachel said.

"I'm serious," Monica said.

"Okay, first, stop saying you're responsible for him developing a drug addiction. That's completely absurd and even Chandler would agree with that and second, we'll do something," Phoebe said.

"It is my fault, though," Monica said.

"How? How could you have possibly known that was going to happen. Then you could say it was my fault because I was the one who pushed for revenge. Monica, you did not know he would develop an addiction. I doubt he even knew that," Rachel said.

"You really can't put that on your shoulders. Especially 'cause no one is asking you to," Phoebe said.

"I know. It's just...he's going to look back at his thirtieth birthday and remember it as the birthday we all forgot and he'll use that as a reason that everyone hates him. He used it as a reason to go smoke a cigarette," Monica said.

"We will do something. I swear. We will make this up to him," Phoebe said.

"I wanna do something special. Big...something Chandlery," Monica grinned. "It's gotta be huge. He's thirty. Chandler Bing is thirty years old and I...I want it to be something he'll never forget."

"Wow...you really are in love with him, aren't you?" Rachel said.

"I am. I like him. I'm lucky and you two are so going to sing your song aren't you?" Monica asked.

"Oh, G-d yes," Phoebe said.

"I wanna hire dancers," Rachel said.

"And monkeys," Phoebe said.

"No, no monkeys at my wedding," Monica said.

"Oh, wedding...so you think you might marry him? Rachel asked.

"I don't know. But you know, I feel something different with him than I ever felt with Kip or Richard or Pete. Well, Pete I was never really in love with...but with Chandler, I feel...like this could be it. Yeah, he's insecure and freaks out easily and is immature...but I can't even put my finger on it. I mean, okay, Pheebs, remember five years ago when I said that I didn't want Chandler in that way because if I lost him, it would be too hard. Just too crushing...I don't think I'm going to lose him," Monica said.

"You won't. Mon, he loves you so much. I remember my first night in the apartment and he was glaring at Kip. He wouldn't admit it, but he loved you even then," Phoebe said.

"What is it with our boys that when they like one of us, they can't do anything. Ross, Chandler-"

"No, Chandler...I knew. It wasn't a shock. He would always make little jokes that kinda showed what he was thinking. I always shot him down...losing him would just kill me. More than losing Richard or Kip...losing Pete was easy. Although...I can't believe I forgot his birthday."

"We will figure something out. We all forgot," Phoebe said. Which wasn't really true, Rachel thought, but she just didn't want to mention that. Rachel had remembered.

For the first time in a long though, there was a new development that had nothing to do with Chandler or Ross, it was a positive side effect from that awful birthday. She was actually making friends, new friends. Chelsea, Emily, and Laura Jean were quickly becoming her work best friends. She was a little stunned when they had shown up to the party, wasn't even sure how they had been included in the guest list as she only been there a few weeks, but there they were and despite the tension with the others, it warmed her completely that they were there.

"That was fucked up, that party," Chelsea said as she pounded back a vodka soda. Rachel laughed as the four women sat together at a bar after work.

"I'm impressed you guys came. How did that even-how-"

"Well, I guess...I got an email and it was….a party. It was weird because when no one passed around a birthday card for you, I asked and then they were like her birthday isn't till May and it was a surprise party so I didn't think I could ask," Laura Jean grinned.

"It's just so fucked up," Chelsea groaned.

"Well….yes, is it an American thing. You just don't remember people's birthdays?" Emily asked.

"No, English Girl, by the way, I'm inviting you to my July 4th party this summer," Chelsea said.

"I've told you this….I'm British. We don't really do that," Emily said.

"Yeah, but you're dating an American," Chelsea said.

"A hot American," Laura Jean said.

"What's his name?" Rachel asked.

"John and yes, he is hot," Emily said.

"So who are two fucking?" Chelsea asked.

"I am fucking….a very lovely guy. Jim. He's nice. It's tough to date. I'm divorced and I have two children and….I'm not a catch," Laura Jean said.

"What are you talking about? You're adorable," Rachel asked.

"Yes, but any guy I date has to know he's dating a divorced woman with kids and that's tough for some guys," Laura Jean said.

"What about you?" Chelsea asked.

"Um...well….since my hook up in Greece. After I crashed a wedding and ended up alone on the honeymoon, no one. There was one guy, Danny….but I think he was sleeping with his sister. I'm gonna be twenty-nine next month. I just need to be like….I haven't slept with anyone since Greece."

"I can find someone for you, don't worry," Chelsea said. Rachel loved these three women. Of course, she would never love them as much as Phoebe or Monica, that just wasn't possible but she loved that she was finally making friends, venturing outside the group. She had been so sheltered and protected by those five and she would be for thankful for them. They were her lifelines, but venturing away from them was giving her additional strength she wasn't even aware she had.

Chandler's make up party was on the roof of the building. Monica had made macaroni and cheese and they had set up a projection screen. Ross was setting up movies, Monica was getting nervous and Phoebe and Rachel were sitting together on two of the lawn chairs, chatting. Rachel was telling Phoebe all about her new work friends.

"Impressive."

"I know. They're funny….and I'm happy I'm making other friends."

"That's good. Don't dump us."

"Never. So how are you? You okay about Gary?" Rachel asked. Phoebe shrugged. Phoebe had been dating a guy, Gary, but they had broken up because apparently Gary had shot a bird.

"I really am. I don't think I was in love with him. I think I liked having someone...but I didn't feel what I felt with Duncan or David, that unbridled passion. We had lots of sex...lots of public sex, but just...I want what I had with Duncan. I want what Monica and Chandler have."

"We all do, hon," Rachel said.

"Ross, is the projection screen set up?" Monica asked.

"Yes. Mon, calm down," Ross said as he began looking through the movies.

"Joey, stop eating the mac and cheese," Monica said as she was racing around, trying to make sure everything was ready.

"You have it….when you and Ross figure it out….you'll have it," Phoebe said.

"I don't know."

"Okay, where is he? Joey, go get him. Call him," Monica said.

"I will. Don't worry, Mon," Joey said as he walked towards the door that lead from the roof to inside the building. Monica walked over to Rachel and Phoebe and knelt in front of them.

"Do you think he'll like this?" Monica asked.

"Yes, my G-d. It's like you're sixteen," Rachel teased.

"I know. I want him to be happy," Monica said.

"He will be," Rachel said.

"Yeah...Pheebs, you okay about Gary?" Monica asked.

"I'm fine. I really am," Phoebe said.

"Well, we have the Hot Dog movie if you want?" Monica asked.

"We are not watching that damn movie," Rachel said.

"If Chandler wants to watch it, we will and I know he likes to watch it when he thinks Phoebe is sad," Monica said.

Rachel let out an annoyed sigh which made Phoebe laugh. That movie was awful. She had always found the story sweet of how Chandler paid for Phoebe's movie without realizing she was homeless, but it still did not change the fact that the movie blew.

"What's going on?" Chandler asked as he and Joey stepped out onto the roof. Monica immediately ran to his side, throwing her arms around him. She kissed him.

"Surprise," Monica said, "we felt really bad. I'm a horrible girlfriend. I mean, who forgets their boyfriend's thirtieth birthday."

"I wish people had forgotten mine. Thirty one. I'm thirty one," Joey mumbled, feeling choked up again as he walked towards Phoebe and Rachel.

"Nine more months, you'll be thirty two," Chandler teased.

"Shut up, man," Joey said.

"Chandler, I'm really sorry," Monica said.

"Yeah, we all are," Phoebe said.

"I'm not," Rachel said. The other five looked at her. "What? I'm the only one that remembered?"

"Then why didn't you tell us?" Phoebe asked.

"It's okay, guys. Really. I'm not mad," Chandler said.

"Really? You aren't going to use it as a reason to do stupid crap because you think no one would care?" Ross asked.

"Ehhh, I thought about it...but I knew you felt really bad so that was enough for me. So what do we have?" Chandler asked. Monica wrapped her arm around Chandler's waist as she led him to the trays of mac and cheese.

"Oh, we have movies. It's set up and ready to go," Ross said.

"We have to see the Hot Dog movie first," Chandler said.

"No, we don't. If a movie sucks when you're fifteen and sixteen, it's gonna suck forever," Rachel said.

"Yeah, but Phoebe and Gary broke up. So we have to watch it," Chandler said.

"Thank you, Chandler. But we don't have to. It is a horrible movie and I'm okay," Phoebe said.

"No, we have to watch it. It's tradition...and then Rach, we can watch _Weekend at Bernie's_ followed by _Animal House_," Chandler said, holding up the movies.

"Okay...fine. Let's watch the damn movie...and you're promising _Weekend at Bernie's_ immediately after?" Rachel asked.

"Yep, I'll even kick Joey in the crotch as a preview," Chandler said.

"You do and I punch you in the head and throw you off the roof," Joey said.

"Alright, let's go. Hot Dog movie," Rachel said.

Chandler handed Ross the movie. Ross took it and got it ready as the rest of the group, loaded up on mac and cheese and began watching.

"I don't understand why you hate this movie so much," Ross said, sitting next to her as they watched The Hot Dog movie. "You like skiing."

"They're skiing in bikinis. The plot is dumb….I mean, this is basically soft core porn," Rachel said.

"It's no Terms of Endearment," Ross teased.

"I actually like that movie. I mean, you make fun and say I'm lying about my favorite movie, but I do like that movie. It's very touching."

"There's touching in this."

"Shut up….Pheebs, why the hell did you choose this movie?"

"I was homeless and a fifteen year old boy was offering to pay for a movie for me. I didn't have much of a choice."

"There were other movies that were out….that you could have seen," Rachel said.

"How would I have known what those were?" Phoebe asked.

"Figure it out. You wanted to see a movie and by the way, how-if Chandler hadn't been there, how would you have gotten in?"

"I had my ways," Phoebe said.

"Is Rachel angry about the Hot Dog movie again?" Joey said.

"They are skiing naked. You cannot ski naked," Rachel said.

"Don't knock it till you've tried it," Ross said.

"You're a dumbass," Rachel said.

"I know you are, but what am I?" Ross grinned. Rachel stuck out her tongue at him. Ross laughed as he wrapped his arm around her. She reluctantly continued watching counting down until she could watch something else.

Laying in bed that night, she was full and quite happy. She couldn't sleep. She kept thinking of of how relaxed everything felt, especially with Ross. Things seemed to be back on track with him. She began to wonder, what if they got back together? What if they tried again? They were older now, time had passed and they had been through so much already.

"Rach?"

Rachel looked towards her doorway and saw Monica standing there, looking worried. Rachel sat up and motioned for Monica to lay by her. Monica did as told and let out a sigh.

"Whats up?"

"I'm going to sleep in Chandler's room. I was just...I have to tell you something. Please don't tell anyone else?"

"Sure."

"Remember when I went to get the cake….Chandler and I went together?"

"Yeah."

"He had a bottle of pills in his jacket pocket. He threw them in the toilet but clogged it….he….he bought pills."

"Mon."

"I don't know if….can I…"

"Do you love him?" Rachel asked.

"Of course."

"Then just be with him. I mean, he didn't take them."

"No."

"Okay then."

"He's….I was wrong what I said to you about you and Ross being more dramatic. We do have intensity. I'm dating a drug addict….and an alcoholic. I don't know."

"He will do anything for you. That man is crazy about you. I know it's not always going to be easy, but you're dating your best friend. It's an incredible, amazing thing….and you say that you don't want a relationship like the one Ross and I have, but you do. You have friendship as a foundation. That's amazing."

"I shouldn't have said that. Ours is probably more intense and Chandler is my best friend and I know he'd do anything for me and I know he loves me, but it's hard because I want to save him and I don't know how. I don't how to….how to fix this…."

"You're sure he didn't take the pills?"

"Yes, but he would have-"

"But he didn't and you're not alone. We're all in this, we're all going to stick this out. We love him and we love you."

"Yeah, thank you," Monica said as she and Rachel hugged. Rachel watched as Monica walked out and listened until she heard the front door open and close shut. She reached over and grabbed the phone, quickly dialing.

"Hey, Ross it's me," she said as he answered.

"What's up?"

"Did I wake you?"

"It's okay."

"Apparently, Monica found a bottle of pills in Chandler's jacket pocket tonight."

"Did he take them?"

"No. How do we fix this? How do we fix him? Why doesn't he get it? I don't-what do we do?"

"I don't know."

"I thought you knew everything."

"Just keep sticking with him."

"So...what'cha wearing?" Rachel said.

"What?"

"I haven't had sex in awhile."

"Neither have I. You want me to come over?"

"Naaa….just tell me what the hell you're wearing?" Rachel asked.

"Nothing."

"Nothing."

"Hmnm, I like that."

Rachel grinned as they continued to talk and their conversation becoming dirtier and dirtier. She wanted him, wanted him badly at that moment. With every groan that came from both of them, it felt hotter and hotter. Maybe 1999 would be a better year for both. Maybe they would finally figure out how to make their relationship healthy.


	42. Chapter 42

**May 1999**

She was kinda excited about this. She had not had a girls night that did not involve Phoebe and/or Monica in five years and before that, her girls nights were with girls that she now was fully ready to admit that she did not really like. This would be fun. Monica and Phoebe were in Vegas, as were Chandler and Joey and maybe she could have a little dinner party with her three new work friends. She bought lots of wine and ordered lots of take out after having a brief thought of cooking and she invited Chelsea, Emily and Laura Jean over for drinks and food and of course, gossip.

"Why aren't you inviting us to Vegas?" Chelsea asked as she poured herself a large glass of vodka.

"'Cause I don't think I'm supposed to be there. Chels, do you want soda in that?" Rachel asked.

"No, that waters it down," Chelsea said.

"Okay...yeah, I'm crashing an anniversary," Rachel grinned.

"So, okay….you've crashed a wedding, a honeymoon, an anniversary-"

"And yet….still single," Rachel said, interrupting Emily.

"And no, Emily. That's not an American thing," Chelsea said.

"No, it's an I'm an idiot thing," Rachel grinned.

"Okay, but guys….can I tell you how Sarah bugged me at work today?" Laura Jean asked, pouring herself a large glass of wine.

"If she asks to check my chakras again, I'm gonna punch her in the head," Chelsea said.

"She's a snake. I do not trust that woman. She's a freak and she smiles all the time," Rachel said.

"When she talks to you, she smiles and she walks around the office with a little smile. It's scary," Emily said.

"And I can handle mean girls, believe me. The first twenty-four years of my life, those were my preferred friendships but at least we were pretty upfront about how we were going to be awful to each other," Rachel said.

"She's so self-absorbed too. She came up to me at work today and started to cry and talk to me about her divorce and said thank goodness she and her ex didn't have kids because she couldn't imagine going through a divorce with children in the picture," Laura Jean said.

"Does she know that you have two of them?" Emily asked.

"Yes," Laura Jean said.

"Pleasant," Rachel said, "although, you and your ex aren't on bad terms, right?"

"No, no….we were nineteen, twenty years old when we got married. We were way too young and we had two kids one after the other. We grew apart, but he's a great dad. I called him up and went, 'girl's night' and he went, 'what time do you want me to pick 'em up'?"

"It's great when you can be friends with an ex," Rachel said.

"It is, isn't it?" Laura Jean asked. "Although Sarah complained forever about-"

"Can we not? The girl is crazy ass bitch," Chelsea said.

The four women agreed and clicked their drinks together and continued laughing. What Rachel didn't expect was a knock at the door. She wasn't expecting anyone as she got up and walked towards the door and opened it. She let out an annoyed sigh as Ross stood there.

"Hey, you having a party?" Ross asked.

"Unless you have a vagina, you're not invited," Rachel said

"I am alone across the street," Ross said.

"Well, get a box of Kleenex and some vaseline and have a party of your own," Rachel grinned.

"Is that Ross?" Chelsea asked from her spot on the couch.

"Oh, is that the ex? I wanna meet him," Laura Jean said, trying to peer around Rachel. She let out an annoyed sigh and stepped aside to let Ross into the apartment. Ross just gave her a grin as he walked in.

"Ross, these are my work friends. Chelsea, Emily and Laura Jean. Oh, Laura Jean….Ross has been divorced too."

"Really?" Laura Jean asked.

"Twice," Rachel said, nodding wildly.

"Twice? How old are you?" Chelsea asked.

"Thirty," Rachel said.

"Still twenty-nine," Ross said.

"I was rounding up," Rachel said.

"You crashed my second wedding," Ross said.

"You said my name at the altar….oh, and the first one ended because he married a lesbian," Rachel said.

"That'll do it," Emily said.

"You enjoying yourself?" Ross asked.

"Way more than I should," Rachel said, "By the way, you never invited me to your first wedding."

"I didn't know where you lived."

"You could have easily found out."

"Would you have actually come?" Ross asked.

"Oh G-d no," Rachel grinned.

"Nice," Ross laughed.

"I know, right. You want beer or wine?"

"Wine, I'll get it. I'm afraid you'll spit it in it," Ross said.

"Don't be afraid. That's exactly what I was going to do," Rachel said as she squeezed Ross' arm and rejoined her friends on the couch. Ross walked into the kitchen and got himself another bottle and poured himself a glass.

"Wait, wait...Ross' wedding was the one you crashed," Laura Jean said.

"I was invited, actually," Rachel said.

"You said no," Ross said.

"What was her name?" Emily asked.

"Emily and she's also British. Actually, Emily...Ross' Emily did not do British Emilys justice."

"I'm sorry, Ross. Not all British Emilys are jerks," Emily grinned. "What was her last name?"

"Waltham," Ross said as he sat next to Rachel.

"Emily Waltham. Oh, G-d. I think I went to University with her. I know her. Oh, Ross, she's horrible. Thank goodness you got out," Emily said.

"Really? Small world," Rachel said.

"I wish I had gotten out before I got married," Ross said.

"You know what though? Fuck it, so you got married twice and you know….just 'cause the first one was a lesbian, doesn't mean you had to get divorced," Chelsea said.

"Kinda does," Ross said, taking a sip of his wine.

"So, what's the deal with you two," Chelsea said, pointing to Ross and Rachel.

"Nothing, nothing, Chelsea," Rachel admonished.

"I want to know, we're all friends here," Chelsea said.

"We were on break," Ross said, suddenly and Rachel's mouth dropped as she stared at him, grinning at her.

"Get out of my apartment," Rachel said.

"We were on a break," Ross said.

"You cheated on me," Rachel said.

"While we were on a break," Ross said.

"We were not on a break," Rachel said.

"Were too."

"Were not."

"Were too."

"Wait, wait….maybe you should tell us and let us decide if you were really on a break," Chelsea said.

"Oh, that's fun," Rachel said.

"How? They'll side with you," Ross said.

"That's why it'll be fun," Rachel grinned as she turned to explain the story. It was funny, while telling that story it was strange how removed she felt from it now. It had destroyed her at the time, Ross and the copy girl but now, she was okay, he was okay. They could both tell the story as if it was just that: a story.

"Here's the thing, Rach. You said, 'a break from us'. I can see how that can be turned into 'we were on a break'", Chelsea said.

"Chelsea, will you go out with me," Ross said as Rachel smacked him.

"You're not my type," Chelsea said.

"Okay, Emily and Laura Jean?" Rachel asked.

"I think I'm on Rachel's side," Laura Jean said, "you gotta ask for clarification on these things."

"I'm in between. I think I get both sides," Emily said.

"I'm still right," Rachel said.

"No, you're not," Ross said.

"You weren't you even invited here tonight. Go away," Rachel said.

"You crashed my wedding," Ross said.

Rachel laughed as she playfully smacked Ross, who just laughed. The evening was beyond fun. She had laughed and she loved how easy it was with Ross. It just felt nice. Soon, the girls left and it was just her and Ross. She was cleaning up as Ross was sitting on the counter.

"Monica would kill you if she knew you were sitting on her counter."

"I know, Hey, your friends are nice. Your work friends?"

"Thanks."

"Sorry, I crashed your party."

"Don't be. It was fun. Hope you didn't think I was making fun of you too much."

"Ehhh, I can handle it, but they are nice."

"I'm glad I have them. Other friends. I need that, you know? I need to….I think I'm so dependent on you guys and I mean, I love the five of you so much and I'm never letting you guys go but…I need some friends outside this group."

"It's good. We all have friends outside the six of us. I think it's necessary."

"I do too and I'm glad you were here tonight. It felt nice. You and me."

"You and I."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Do you-do you miss us?"

Ross looked at her and let out a sigh, "every day, Rach."

"We are alone."

"But we're leaving for Vegas tomorrow and we had a lot of wine."

"Might not be the best idea?" Rachel asked.

"No," Ross said as he jumped off the counter and walked towards her. He gently hugged her as she hugged back. "I'll see you tomorrow? Share a cab?"

"Sure...we'll get breakfast first."

"Sounds perfect. Love you, Rach."

"Love you, too."

Ross walked out and she let out a groan. They were both single, they could do something….anything although maybe Ross was right and they shouldn't. They were doing so well as friends, maybe they needed to just keep that up. After all, they were finally at a place where everything seemed okay between them. They could even talk about their break up without feeling hurt or angry.

She had not been in Las Vegas since that twenty-first birthday. As time went on, she recalled more and more of that night. She had been crazy drunk. There had been red drinks. There had been stuff. Booze. Strong booze. There were strippers. There was Charles. Helena. Charles Helena. Helena Charles.

"You ever been to Vegas?" Ross asked as the two made themselves comfortable in their less than comfortable airplane seats. They were meeting everyone else in Las Vegas. Apparently, Joey was filming a movie and Chandler and Monica were going for their anniversary and Phoebe invited herself and them.

"Yeah, I spent my twenty-first birthday there with Barry and about fourteen other people."

"That sounds fun."

"It was….yeah, fun," Rachel said, grinning at him. She would never tell that secret. There was no way she would. It wouldn't happen. She wasn't sure what the fallout would be if she told, but she was pretty sure there would be something.

"You think Monica and Chandler are pissed they're crashing their anniversary."

"The more I think about it….yeah. We weren't really invited, were we?" Rachel asked.

"Nope."

"Well, okay when we get there….we'll let them be alone. We'll hang out with Phoebe and Joey and then...let 'em be."

"I agree….or maybe just….you and me?" Ross asked. "I mean, after last night and-"

"I was not coming on to you," Rachel said, a little too loudly. The wine had worn off and when she had woken up that morning, she was grateful that she hadn't slept with Ross. Of course, Ross kept playing with her.

"You want me. Admit it Green, you find me sexy."

"Sure...you're as sexy as…..herpes."

"Thank goodness I was the one with self-control. One of us has to have the self-control and you know, as always….I am willing to be the one."

"You are so full of crap. How do you fit through a door with your head that size?"

"I slid in."

"Do you know how arrogant you sound?"

"It's my strength…..so what are we doing in Vegas?"

"Chandler's dad has a drag show."

"I've always wanted to see that."

"I saw it on my twenty-first birthday," Rachel said, maybe she could reveal a little bit. That was enough.

"Really? How was it?"

"Awesome," Rachel said, "you know, I wanna do Vegas with you. Joey and Phoebe can hang out and do stuff….although, I'm convinced they're doing each other."

"Excuse me?"

"Okay, Joey and Phoebe? Friends with Benefits?"

Ross looked at her and looked like he was seriously thinking about this. "Maybe….you think?"

"I do. So does Monica."

"Whoa. If that's the case we are the most incestuous group of friends ever."

"We kinda are….but yeah, you and me….let's just be crazy in Vegas."

"Got it."

Rachel and Ross grinned wildly at each other as the plane took them across the country. They would have fun, just the two of them. Maybe it could be their chance to reconnect.

Once in Vegas, after getting filled in on what had happened in their absence, they headed immediately to dinner. They decided to go all out and headed out for a very fancy and expensive steak restaurant. Although, as the drinking started, there was some concern. After all Joey was apparently not working on a movie and it had been shut down, Monica and Chandler were fighting and Phoebe was doing something else. Maybe they should check in but then again….

"I kinda don't want to," Rachel said as she drank her wine. "I mean….okay according to Pheebs, Monica had lunch with Richard and Phoebe accidentally let it slip and now Chandler and Monica are fighting although I am willing to bet that Chandler's probably sulking in the hotel bar, drinking all the booze out of the minibar."

"I would take that bet….and Joey's movie got shut down."

"It's just...I-okay, Monica made this whole deal about how their relationship is so much better than ours was and they have massive drama. I mean, okay...we can drink responsibly."

"We can."

"Maybe we can go and look after Chandler-"

"I don't want to either."

"You don't?"

"I want a break. Rach, four years of college, I drove him around when he got wasted. One year, during finals week...I drove him and Kip and Gandalf all around the city while I stayed in the car and studied."

"Why didn't they take a cab?"

"Thought it would be safer. Then after college, he vanished...I mean I knew he would show up to my wedding but still and then….I'm tired."

"You can be tired. You've done a lot for him."

"Yep, I have."

"Then take a break. Look, Monica is probably going to deal with it, he's not alone….and we're not even supposed to be here."

"We aren't."

Rachel picked up her wine glass as did Ross. They clicked their glasses together and continued to drink. It was going to be their night. They continued to drink. One drink after the other, getting drunker and drunker.

After dinner, the two decided to go clubbing. She hadn't been clubbing in a long time and she wasn't sure when Ross had been to a club, but they did and the more they drank, the closer they got.

"Here you go, another vodka cranberry and a beer for me," Ross said as he handed Rachel her drink. She drank, in her head trying to figure out how many drinks she had had. She wasn't sure and she wasn't sure how much Ross had had, but it didn't matter. Ross grabbed Rachel's hand and the two made their way through the darkened club and found a couch to sit on.

"So good," Rachel said.

"I know."

"Question….who do you like better? Joey or Channer?"

"Who do like better? Phoebe or Monica?" Ross asked.

"Does it bug you that Joey and Channer...Channer? Are closer than you?"

"Does it bug you?"

"No."

"Know what Rachel?"

"What?"

"We were on a break."

"We're still on break."

"Long ass break."

"So okay….here's another question for you?"

"What?" Ross asked.

"Very important."

"Okay?"

"You been married now two times so who do you wanna marry third time?" Rachel asked.

"Michelle Piper."

"Piper?"

"Pfeiffer."

"Oh. She's pretty."

"I think so."

"Okay, fourth time? After your divorce from Michelle Piper?"

"Um, can I marry you?"

"Sure, I'm not doing anything."

"Cool."

"And you know what, Ross?"

"What?"

"We were not on a break. I will not marry you until you say we were not on a break."

"I'm not gonna."

"Dancey music. It's Madonna-Cher. Whoa, they're playing both at the same time. How do they do that?" Rachel asked.

"Technology. It's the wave of the future," Ross said which he finished with waving at her. Rachel laughed and grabbed his hand, pulling him up. Ross wrapped his free arm around her waist as they danced, their bodies practically melting into one another. Rachel looked up at him as sipped her drinking, playfully biting the straw as she looked at him. "You want me to kiss you, don't you?"

"We're in Vegas, baby," Rachel cooed.

Ross leaned in and kissed her, hard. It felt good, amazing. She could feel her breath being taken away as he kissed her. His arm tightened around her as she gently ran her fingers through his hair.

The hours wore on for Ross and Rachel. They left that club and went to another and another. They were holding onto each other, stumbling and kissing as they practically fell down the street. It was a blur, whatever they were doing. Soon, they were at a Mexican restaurant drinking margaritas and eating nachos.

"Fun...this….fun...we gotta see drag...I wanna see Channer dad," Rachel said.

"That would be fun."

"I slept with him," Rachel said.

"What? You slept with Channer?"

"Ewwww, nooooo….Channer dad."

"That's gross. When?"

"When….I….it….I...I don't know….I was one."

"What?"

"Twenty-one."

"Oh."

"Oh, no….I didn't wanna tell you."

"It okay. I kissed Channer mom," Ross giggled.

"You did, I 'member that. We both kissed Channer parents. We gross."

"We are."

"Hey….I have an idea 'cause we kiss Channer parents."

"What?"

"Let's get married. That would be so much fun," Rachel said.

"I want grapes," Ross said, "I'm really missing grapes. I miss grapes."

"But-but-but-we should go get married and then tell Channer and Mon-na that we are better than they are."

"Cool. But what about the grapes?"

"What about grapes."

"We should eat the grapes because if we don't eat the grapes, who will eat the grapes? What if no one eats the grapes?" Ross asked.

"That's so sad."

"I know. Then the grapes will die. Then we'll be responsible for dead grapes."

"I don't want the grapes to die."

"Me neither," Ross said, drinking more of his margarita.

"Here's the plan. We will go get married and then we'll go eat the grapes to make sure they don't die."

"You're a smart person."

"Yes. Okay, we should have some tequila before we go."

"Yeah….but you know, I wanna tell the udders," Ross said.

"We should tell the udders. Okay, new plan. I'm gonna-you're gonna get tequila shots for us and then-okay I'm gonna call the Mon-na-na, the Channer, the Joey and the Pho-he and we'll tell 'em we're getting married and they should come-a-to the chapel and we're gonna get ma-a-a-a-rried….going to chapel and we're-"

"Save it. Wait. I'll get tequila."

"Okesy-dokesy," Rachel said as she grabbed her purse and stumbled towards the bathrooms. There was a payphone near one of the bathrooms so she reached into her pocket and put change in. She was able to dial the hotel and was transferred quickly and managed, or at least she hoped she managed, to leave messages for Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Joey. When she stumbled back, Ross was waiting for her with shots.

"I left messages."

"Good….have a shot."

She picked up her shot glass and clicked it with his. They quickly downed their shots, paid and left. They began to stumble along until the reached The Little White Chapel and walked in. They scribbled their names and waited. Soon it was their turn and they walked in and stood at the altar.

"Remember to say my name, it's Rachel."

"I know your name."

"Good."

"I'll say your name all the time I get married."

"That's so sweet."

"Isn't it?"

The priest was dressed as Elvis and was performing the ceremony. When it got to the I Do's they did it. Ross did indeed say Rachel's name and before they knew it, they were married. When they left the chapel, they were thrilled, practically skipping and dancing out of the chapel.

"Now, we need grapes," Ross said.

"No, Ross. It's our honeymoon. We have to eat something."

"Okay. Pizza. I want pizza. Look, Pizza Hut," Ross said, pointing.

"You're a genius."

Rachel grabbed his arm and the two raced across the street towards the Pizza Hut. They walked into the Pizza Hut and looked at the waitress.

"We just got married," Rachel yelled.

"Yeah, it's our wedding dinner," Ross said.

"Congratulations. Dinner is on us," the waitress grinned.

"Do you have grapes?" Ross asked.

"We will check," the waitress said.

"The grapes are dying," Ross said as Rachel nodded wildly. The waitress took them to a table where they had beer and pizza and they were able to track down grapes. They ate a lot of pizza before deciding the next step would be to go back to their room and ring in the fact that they were now married.

They walked back towards the room, kissing and tearing at each other's clothes as they fell into the dark room and onto the bed. Rachel let out a groan as Ross held onto her. They kept kissing, touching, going back to those wonderful places, those wonderful moments that they had known so well. It had been so long and yet they fell right back into rhythm. They were Ross and Rachel.

The next morning, they awoke. Rachel's head was pounding as she looked at Ross who was squinting, holding onto his head.

"Good morning?" Rachel asked.

"Hmmm….what did we do last night?" Ross asked.

"Drank."

"Yeah….I don't….I don't think I've ever had that much to drink. Did we sleep together?"

"Maybe. Oh, Ross."

"I'm gonna shower….I'm gonna….we didn't...I just….I feel like I should remember something?"

"Shower. Oh G-d we drank so much….but….but I remember….we had fun."

"We did. Yeah….alright, I'm gonna...yeah," Ross said as he got out of bed and shuffled towards the bathroom. As he shut the door, Rachel lay there thinking about the night. What had happened? She tried to recall the events, but she couldn't. She could barely remember any of it.

She and Ross managed to get dressed and meet the rest of the group downstairs for breakfast. They grabbed a couple mimosas before sitting with the rest of the group who kept giving them awkward glances.

"What-what's going on?" Rachel asked as she poured coffee for herself and Ross.

"Well, are we going to talk about what you two did last night?" Chandler asked.

"What did we do?" Rachel asked.

"You got married," Joey said.

"We did-" Rachel's began before looking at Ross. Her eyes widened as the memories of the previous night hit her like a ton of bricks. They seemed to hit Ross as well.

"Oh my G-d," Ross said.

"You invited us to the wedding," Phoebe said.

"We were really drunk. How did they let us get married?" Ross asked.

"It's Vegas. They'll let you do anything here," Joey shrugged.

"Oh my G-d….well we have to….we have to do something. Ross-"

"We will get it annulled and we'll-that's what you'll do...we'll-"

"Can I say something?" Monica said, "this is Chandler and I's anniversary. We've been together, committed for a year and this was supposed to be our trip. I wanted it to be about us and not this. Honestly, this is supposed to be our celebration and not about Ross and Rachel getting married last night and…Ross, you're gonna divorced again?"

"Annulled," Ross said.

"Whatever….it's just….it's a big deal, we've made it a whole year. Chandler Bing has made it an entire year in a committed relationship," Monica said.

"I'm proud," Chandler said.

"You should be but can we please make this about us...please?" Monica asked as the other four exchanged looks. Rachel picked up her mimosa.

"Alright, we will discuss our marriage later….to Chandler and Monica," Rachel said.

"Yes, to Chandler and Monica and thank you for letting me invite myself," Phoebe said, lifting her mimosa as well. Chandler, Monica, Ross, and Joey lifted their glasses as well and clinked them. Monica and Chandler shared a quick kiss as they drank. Ross and Rachel kept exchanging looks. They had actually gotten married. She had married Ross. It dawned on her that this was the second time she had been in Vegas and had done something crazy stupid. It was hard to comprehend, but it was true. She and Ross were now officially husband and wife.


	43. Chapter 43

May 1999-December 1999

She should never be allowed in Las Vegas. Bad things seemed to happen to her in Vegas or maybe she did bad things. She and Ross had gotten married. How did that happen? No, she knew how it happened. She had too much to drink, so did he. The plane ride back was even more sobering. She was hoping to sit with Phoebe, but Phoebe was driving across the country with Joey. She could talk with Monica, but she was sitting with Chandler and she felt that Monica might be too judgemental. So she sat with Ross in uncomfortable silence, she wasn't sure what she was supposed to say or do.

"Can I ask you something? I have an idea," Ross said, breaking the silence between them. She looked at him.

"What?" Rachel asked.

"Well, here's thing….I was thinking that you and I stay married."

"What?"

"Look, okay….hear me out, okay, you and I might one day actually get married so maybe this is just….speeding it up."

"What?"

"I don't want to get divorced."

"Ross, what are you-no, no...I'm not-no."

"Come on, look….I'm going to be thirty. I can't-I can't have three divorces before I'm thirty."

"Wait…." Rachel stared at him, still trying to comprehend what he was asking of her. Was he asking for them to stay married? "Are you asking what I think you're asking?"

"It won't change anything and you and I-come on, you-"

"We're not staying married."

"I'm asking one small favor."

"I'm not doing this Ross. No."

"You owe me this favor."

"I owe you?"

"Well, I paid for Chandler's tires? You slashed them. That was expensive and I never told him about it."

"First, I paid you back. Second, Chandler knows because I told him and he wasn't mad because he no longer has the car. Try again."

"I don't want to be divorced a third time."

"I'm not doing this. I am not having this argument. No," Rachel said, putting her headphones on.

"Rachel."

"Shhhh," Rachel said, opening her magazine and began to glance through it. She wasn't really focused on what she was reading. She felt almost weak, upset about what had happened. She didn't want to be divorced either, but she didn't want this to be how she got married.

When they finally arrived home, the first thing she did was call Chelsea, Emily, and Laura Jean and set up dinner. Monica was going out with Chandler and Phoebe still wasn't home. She needed to vent. The four women met up at a nearby restaurant and Rachel dropped the bomb.

"You got married?" Chelsea asked.

"I can't go to Vegas. I do bad things in Vegas. Okay, my Bachelorette Party was in Vegas and that was boring but two out of the three times I have been to Vegas, bad things have happened."

"What else have you done in Vegas?" Laura Jean asked.

"Hooked up with my best friend's dad who is a drag queen but in my defense he wasn't my best friend at the time," Rachel said.

"That's wow…." Chelsea said.

"You stumped Chelsea," Emily said.

"I'm married," Rachel said.

"Mazel Tov," Chelsea said.

"No, okay he's getting it annulled and that will be fantastic because we can't….I can't."

"Well, what's the problem with it," Laura Jean asked.

"You're joking?"

"No, I mean you two get along well, clearly you like each other….can you see yourself marrying him?" Laura Jean asked.

Rachel opened her mouth and shut it again, letting that all sink in, "yeah, yes I can but not like that. Not that way...I mean, if we remain married and this is just between us but if Ross and I remain married and we have kids and they ask about our wedding or ask to see pictures….what am I gonna say? Yeah, mommy and daddy got super wasted and got married by an Elvis impersonator and we had our wedding dinner at Pizza Hut, where they paid for it. I don't want that to be our wedding memory. I want to be sober during it. I want….I want the wedding I was gonna have with Barry but with Ross as the groom and Phoebe and Monica sharing maid of honor duties and you guys can be bridesmaids. I want a bridal shower where I get lots of gifts. I want gifts. I got no presents. I want a wedding. I want see Ross waiting for me and Chandler and Joey as Ross' Best Men. I want to see the three of them looking handsome in their tuxes and….you should see those boys cleaned up and dressed nice, they look good. I want it done right. That's why it needs to be annulled because this isn't how Ross and I are gonna get married."

"That's so sweet," Emily said.

She smiled as she took a sip of her wine. She imagined the scenario in her head. She may not have Monica's big Wedding Book, but she still could see it so vividly. She wanted Ross as the groom, she was sure of it, but it needed to be better.

A few days later, Ross called her at work to let her know it had been taken care of. He had gotten it annulled. Her heart felt so much lighter hearing this.

"Thank you, Ross."

"Yeah, you're welcome."

"I know you're upset but it's just….it's better this way."

"I'm gonna go. I'm...I have an interview at NYU."

"You do?"

"Teaching."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Ehhh, it's-I-should go."

"Ross, good luck."

"Thanks," Ross said as he hung up the phone. Her heart sank as she heard the click. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt Ross, but it wasn't right. The timing was not right.

After work, Rachel retreated to her bedroom. She was glancing through a magazine, trying to keep her mind off of what was happening with Ross when Monica walked in, carrying a box of Twinkies.

"Hey, Rach."

"Twinkies? What's wrong?" Rachel asked as Monica looked worried.

"Nothing, it's just…." Monica walked over to Rachel's bed and lay down next to her. "Well, we have to talk."

"About?"

"Well, Chandler and I….he asked if he could move in here and I said yes and he's gonna move in but….we wanna live together, alone."

"What?" Rachel asked She wasn't sure how she should feel about this.

"It's...things are going well for us and we wanna live together."

"Oh my G-d. So you want me to move out?" Rachel asked. This was a little much. This apartment had become her comfort zone. Her home.

"I'm sorry. I love you, Rach. I do and having you as my roommate has been amazing but...Chandler and I-"

"You think you're gonna eventually get married?"

"I think so. It's really starting to look that way and I know it's been rough with you and Ross getting married in Vegas and-"

"We didn't mean to take over your anniversary."

"I know and that's not even it anymore."

"Where am I gonna live?"

"With Ross?" Monica asked.

"Seriously?"

"I'm sorry."

"I'm gonna miss you," Rachel said as she and Monica hugged tightly. Rachel began to tear up again as Monica looked at her.

"Rachel."

"I think I'm jealous of you."

"Why?"

"'Cause you and Chandler….it's so easy and I never thought I'd say that 'cause it's Chandler and everything with Ross is so intense and we got married."

"Maybe you'll eventually figure it out."

"I hope so," Rachel said as they hugged again. "I guess you're right. You and Chandler do have the better relationship."

"Hey, no….i should never have said that and okay...Vegas, you wanna hear what happened with Chandler and I?"

"Did Chandler get wasted after he found out you had lunch with Richard?"

"Yep and we almost got married too, but you two beat us to it."

"I….don't know."

"Did you have fun? You and Ross? Before the wedding part-"

"Oh, yes. We had so much fun. We laughed so much and Ross really wanted grapes and I said we needed to get married and we went to clubs and….we had so much fun. It was….it was perfect."

"So? You had fun. I'm glad you guys had fun."

"I love your brother, I do….but it's not right now."

"I know and another thing, you have new friends but….I have to ask-"

"You are number one forever. Don't finish that sentence," Rachel said as she and Monica hugged again. It saddened her to move. She wasn't sure where she would even go.

Ross had come up with the idea. It seemed strange at first, her moving into Ross' apartment after they had just gone through the whole marriage thing but maybe it could work. Maybe it would be a way to see if they could actually be together peacefully and without killing each other. It could work. Although, the others seemed to have questions.

"Yeah, but….you sure?" Joey asked as he sat on Rachel's bed. She was looking through her closet, pulling things out, getting them ready to pack.

"I know it's strange but um….but maybe it's a good thing."

"I have an extra room. Move in with me, that's easier."

"Well, look...maybe if I move in with Ross, we'll learn to live together and maybe it will help our relationship. I want to at least try."

"Chandler's room is available."

"Thank you."

She had romanticized living with Ross. In her head, she thought maybe it might be like Chandler and Monica, but better. They would make it as a couple, they would prove everyone else wrong. They would live together which would make them become a couple once more and then they would fall in love and get married the right way.

She was having a lot of fun imagining it as she began to set her stuff up in Ross' apartment while he was teaching a Saturday seminar at NYU. It was now the middle of September and he had gotten the job as a professor and had been working there for about a month. She could totally be the wife of an academic. She could make professor wife clothes….although she wasn't quite sure what that would entail. Her fantasies were interrupted by the ringing telephone and she was tempted to respond with, "hello Professor Geller and his wife's residence" but given the fact that it could only be one of their friends, she thought that would bring up far more questions.

"Hello?" Rachel asked.

"Hi, is Ross Geller there?"

"No, no….he's not here at the moment, but I can take a message. I'm Rachel, his roommate."

"Rachel?"

"Who is this?"

"Russell...I'm his divorce lawyer, I-"

"Ross got married?" Rachel asked, confused.

"I hadn't heard from him, so I'm assuming he decided to remain married?" Russell asked, sounding very tentative. Rachel's heart dropped into her stomach as she realized what was happening.

"Oh my G-d."

"I'm sorry….is...um-"

"Oh my G-d."

"Just have him call me."

Rachel heard the click and the phone slipped out of her hand. Were they still married? They had now officially been married three and a half months. Had he been lying to her for three and a half months? She kept pacing the apartment. She wanted to break something. She wanted to break him. She looked across the way and saw Monica and Chandler relaxing in the living room, reading. Monica gently resting against him. She immediately walked out of the apartment, across the street and burst into her apartment, it was still her apartment.

"He's still married!" Rachel yelled.

"Who?" Chandler asked.

"Ross. Ross is still married to me."

"I thought he got it annulled?" Monica asked.

"Clearly, he did not. I am going to kill him. I am going to kill him," Rachel said.

"What happened?" Phoebe asked. Rachel looked back and noticed Phoebe and Joey standing in the hall behind her.

"Ross and I are still married," Rachel said as she walked into the apartment with Phoebe and Joey following her in.

"Oh, no that's terrible….that is just you know...brand new information," Phoebe said, sounding matter of fact. Rachel looked at her. Something in the way Phoebe said that seemed off.

"You knew," Rachel said.

"I did not," Phoebe said.

"You are a horrible liar," Rachel said.

"Oh, you take that back," Phoebe said.

"You so knew," Rachel said.

"Okay, okay I knew but….I...he needed to tell you, I mean...what-and you were on a break," Phoebe said which caused gasps from the rest of the group.

"Too far," Rachel said, "what am I gonna do? I've….I went...I….Oh my G-d. Where am I gonna live?"

"I got an empty room," Joey said, grinning.

"Dude, I'm still living there," Chandler said.

"Oh, yeah," Joey said.

Rachel's mind was racing as she kept trying to absorb what had happened. He had lied to her face for three and a half months, he had let her move in knowing they were still married? When was he going to tell her the truth? As she paced, tears filled her eyes but she didn't wipe them away. She looked at the others, practically shaking.

"Why doesn't care what I want? Why? Why….he's….you know what? This is such shit. Why is he so self-absorbed and I mean...does he actually care about-"

"Hey, what's up?" Ross asked as he casually walked into the apartment. Rachel turned and looked at him.

"Run, man, run," Joey said as Rachel raced towards him and shoved Ross towards the door. He stared at her, bewildered.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, Ross?" Rachel asked.

"You found out?" Ross asked, sounding embarrassed.

"Your divorce lawyer called. You never got it annulled. You've been lying this whole time."

"Okay look, I don't want three divorces. I'm going to be thirty in a few weeks and I don't want three divorces before I'm thirty. I just wanted that one thing."

"What about what I want? When is it ever going to be about what I want? I don't want to be married to you like this. I don't want our wedding be some drunk ass, spur of the moment thing in Vegas. I don't want that. I don't-it's never what I want with you….it's always what you want. When were you going to tell me?"

"Eventually….I would have told you and that's not-I think about you a lot."

"No….no….okay, I just….something changed with you when you and Emily got divorced or maybe it was before but something happened and I don't know this person….I don't think I like him that much….I have to go," Rachel said as she walked towards the door. "Monica and Phoebe?" She asked, looking back at them. The two women got up and followed Rachel out. They walked in silence and soon ended up at the Oakpoint Bar near their place. After ordering drinks, Rachel was still upset.

"I don't….I'm….Mon, I'm sorry."

"No, Rach….I'll yell at him later," Monica said.

"And you know, we make all these comments about how Chandler is so self-absorbed and self-destructive….but I get it. He's got addiction issues, he grew up horribly. I understand it. We talk about Joey and how he's a pig but that's also how he grew up. He's hot and….but Ross, he's just a dick," Rachel said, purposely not looking at Monica.

"I think he loves you...I do. I think you love him….but I think….I think you've both changed and it's about figuring out how to change together," Monica said.

"I can't live with him," Rachel said.

"I know."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," Phoebe said.

"It's okay," Rachel said as she hugged Phoebe. It pained her how angry she was. She hated that he thought so little of her. They had known each other for so long, over twenty years and this just seemed so over the top.

She stayed in her bedroom despite the fact that half of her stuff was now at Ross'. She had to eventually go get her stuff but at the moment she wanted to just ignore him. She wanted to remain as far away from him as possible. She only wanted to be near him when necessary, which now included a trip together to a divorce lawyer and the signing of papers to finalize their divorce.

The night of her Ross' thirtieth birthday, which was the first week of October, Monica made dinner for Ross at the apartment. Rachel had contemplated making other plans, but maybe she needed to be around him. Maybe she needed to be nice to him or give him a pass on his birthday. Phoebe went to Ross' to get him as Rachel walked towards Monica to hang out with her.

"Hey, this will be interesting," Rachel said.

"Are you going to be nice to him?"

"I'll try. I'm moving in with Phoebe," Rachel said. Phoebe had offered and she had accepted.

"That'll be fun. Although, if you eat Twinkies and have discussions without me-"

"Oh, Twinkie Talks are our thing."

"Phoebe is a fun roommate."

"Yeah and I do love your brother….I'll forgive him. I mean, I don't understand why we are so intense, but I guess we have to figure it out."

"Quickly, please."

"I know."

Monica continued cooking as Rachel started making drinks. It would have to be okay. She hated being mad at Ross even if she felt she had every right to be. Soon Ross and Phoebe arrived and Monica went up to hug him. Rachel took a deep breath and walked towards him with a drink in hand.

"Hey...I'm glad you're here," Rachel said.

"You are?" Ross asked, sounding confused.

"Yes...of course. It's your birthday and I wanna celebrate with my ex-husband," Rachel grinned.

Ross let out a snort as she linked her arm in his and walked him towards the couch. "We will talk later," she said, whispering to him as he nodded. Rachel then turned to the rest of the group, "And can I make a suggestion, guys, next year, Mon and I are going to be thirty and can we step it up a bit. I mean, Joey's thirtieth was a sob fest because he couldn't stop crying-"

"It's just so hard," Joey said as he choked up again.

"Three more months till thirty-two," Chandler grinned.

"Go to hell, Bing," Joey shot back which made Chandler laugh.

"Alright, Joey cried, Phoebe was pregnant during her birthday, we forgot Chandler's and Ross...well, we're getting a divorce," Rachel said.

"Thank you, Rachel," Ross said.

"I'm just saying, Monica and I are next. Let's step this up, people," Rachel said.

"I agree," Monica said.

"Okay, we can celebrate my birthday twice. Once on my birthday and then for the second time on Rachel's," Chandler said.

"I don't play that way, Bing," Rachel said.

The group laughed as they began to settle in for Ross' birthday celebration which included movies, fajitas, and more drinking. Although, there was a tension still between Ross and Rachel and while there was a game of poker going on, Rachel and Ross decided to take a break to talk on the balcony.

"I want to say I'm sorry, Rach...I really am. I should have told you and I shouldn't have lied and….and no, I don't think it's all about me."

"I know."

"I just snapped. I want you to like me again," Ross said.

"I will always like you. That's the problem. I will always like you."

"Same here and you know, I know I get divorced a lot. This one will be the hardest. Definitely the most painful," Ross said.

"Same here. Yeah...I get it. When we do get married, it will be right. I want it to be right," Rachel said,

"I know. Will you do me another favor?"Ross asked.

"Maybe."

"Will you go with me to go shopping for a ring? You won't get it now, but you're ready, you'll let me know."

"Romantic."

"Yeah, if I buy it on my own, you'll return it."

"True. You know, before our wedding….I did have fun with you."

"Me too."

Rachel looked back into the apartment where Phoebe, Joey, Monica and Chandler were laughing about something. She looked back at Ross who seemed so sad. She almost felt a little sorry for him. She had done so well at keeping this a secret but maybe telling Ross wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

"You know, it is partially my fault. I mean, I was the one that suggested the marriage and bad things just happen to me in Vegas. I lose complete control," Rachel said.

"It is Vegas."

"Yeah….did I ever tell you about the time I slept with Chandler's dad?" Rachel asked. She knew she had mentioned something about it when they were drunk, but Ross had never brought it up and probably thought she was joking. His eyes widened as he stared at her.

"Excuse me?"

"I told you when we were wasted."

"I don't remember this. What?"

"Do not tell him."

"I won't."

"On my twenty-first birthday, I saw his dad's drag show. Helena invited us to a party, I got about as drunk as I did with you and then…."

"You were still dating Barry, weren't you?"

"Yes."

"Were you on a break?" Ross asked, grinning.

"Shush. Barry went to go see Barry Manilow with Mindy and some others and I drank and Helena okay, Helena still has all the man parts...from the next down, Helena is still Charles Bing."

"Oh, G-d….Rach."

"I know. Monica, Phoebe, Joey and Chandler do not know."

"I am so glad you're telling me this and I will not say anything. You know, we could totally blame Vegas."

"We could. I love you Ross."

"I love you too."

The two shared a hug when Chandler peered his head out the window.

"Hey, you two...we're starting Twister and we need you guys."

"Alright, alright….don't be such a drag," Ross joked. Rachel elbowed him.

"What?" Chandler asked.

"Nothing," Ross said as the two followed Chandler back into the apartment to play more games. It ended on a much better note than when it started and Rachel was happy to move forward, to forgive and to live with Phoebe.

Rachel moved into Phoebe's apartment at the beginning of November. Phoebe was claiming her grandmother's old room and Rachel was living in Phoebe's old room. It was such a strange thing to Rachel as she sat on Phoebe's couch while Phoebe made dinner. She would never have expected this, to live with the girl who had once ripped her off.

"Is this weird to you?" Rachel asked, sitting on the couch looking up from the magazine she was reading.

"That you and I are roommates?" Phoebe asked.

"Yeah. Monica and I were talking about that. How strange life is? If someone had said to me, you know that homeless girl you were horrible too? Yeah, she's gonna be your roommate one day...I can't even wrap my head around it."

"Tell you the truth? Me neither."

"Hey...do you still have the clothes? From my aunt's store? Do you still have them? I mean, I'd love to see what you stole?" Rachel asked as she closed her magazine. She was definitely curious. She really hadn't asked Phoebe too much about it and she didn't really remember what had been taken. She just remembered the fallout.

"I do, actually. Hold on," Phoebe said as she walked out of the kitchen and into her room and came back out carrying a giant Hefty bag of clothes. She tossed the bag to Rachel who began looking through them and was immediately taken back to that day.

"Wow, you took good stuff," Rachel said. "Oh, you...I had wanted this skirt."

Rachel said holding up a black tulle skirt with hot pink sequins. "I was gonna wear this to some dance...which I didn't get to go to because I was grounded...because you went all klepto on my aunt's store on my watch.. Oh, wow. Nice work, Pheebs," Rachel said as she continued to look. She grabbed a purple dress with flowers from the bag that was ripped and had holes. She kept examining it, there were dark stains on it as well.

"Thanks, Rach. Oh, that purple dress I didn't steal. I had mugged a kid and used that money to buy that dress," Phoebe said.

"Why is it ripped? What are the stains?"

"Blood," Phoebe said, pretty matter of fact. Rachel jumped a little and dropped it on the ground.

"What?"

Phoebe let out a sigh, "you know the story how Chandler and I saw that Hot Dog movie on my sixteenth birthday? Well, after I went back to the junkyard, my friends had a birthday for me and some escaped con was there and he tried to stab me and raped me. I was wearing that dress."

"Pheebs."

"I'm fine."

Her heart dropped hearing this. She couldn't even imagine the horror Phoebe had endured. It was unbelievable to her.

"I wanna see it."

"See what?" Phoebe asked, very confused.

"Where you grew up. I wanna see the junkyard and I wanna meet your friends."

She had to see Phoebe's life, she had been so blind to it back then. She had dismissed Phoebe as this non-person but now she knew Phoebe and she needed to understand, she needed to get it.

"You know my friends."

"No, not our friends, your friends. I wanna meet them. I wanna see how you lived. Monica and Chandler have, right?"

"Yeah and Joey," Phoebe said.

"Please show me...and then maybe we can meet your friends at Port Authority? Didn't you say you meet your friends for drinks there sometimes. I wanna be involved. Please?"

"Well, they don't really love you. I mean, you're still a bitch to them and my friend, Bonnie, hates you."

"I would assume."

"Alright, let me make some calls."

Rachel nodded as Phoebe went about making calls. Rachel wasn't sure what it was but she needed this. She needed this exposure, she wanted to know all about Phoebe. Later that night, Phoebe and Rachel headed out into the New York night. Rachel wasn't sure where she was being taken but soon she was at an old junkyard, sitting with Phoebe in a burnt out Buick.

"This wasn't it, but it's pretty close to it. I slept here," Phoebe said.

Rachel couldn't speak. She recalled the conversation she had with Monica in the car after volunteering in the Soup Kitchen. She had been so mean and had wanted to just to go to a party and Phoebe had lived here.

"How did you do it?" Rachel asked.

"Do what?"

"Make it out of here? How did you go to school and survive and...how?"

"I had to."

"No, Pheebs. Like how did you pay for school?" Rachel asked. There was something that had always bothered her. Something didn't fit. School was expensive and Phoebe was a licensed masseuse.

"Well, there's something you don't know. That movie with Chandler wasn't the only run in I had with him. I saw him on a subway by coincidence about four or five years later and I complained to him and he anonymously paid for my education using his trust fund."

"Chandler's a trust fund kid?" Rachel asked.

"Yeah."

"Wow...wow, he did that?" Rachel asked.

"Yeah."

"He's an amazing guy, isn't he?" Rachel asked and it clicked. He was well off. She knew that and she knew he had grown up far wealthier than she had.

"He really is."

"Hopefully, one day he'll realize it," Rachel said.

"I know. Don't tell anyone about the trust fund. Monica knows and Joey and in fact, Chandler uses his trust fund money to invest in Joey's acting career."

"Unbelievable and we forgot his birthday."

"Yeah, we suck...but Rach. I don't want you feeling bad."

"I do...but I also really don't. I mean, yeah, Chandler gave you money, but he didn't know if you would graduate. He didn't know if you were a good investment or not. But you made it out of here. You made something of your life. I'm sure you are in the minority of people who actually make it out of something like this alive."

"Thank you, Rachel. So you wanna meet my friends?"

"What do they call me?"

"Well, I call you Rachel," Phoebe said.

"No, I mean...you know how the six of us have nicknames for people we hate. What is my nickname?"

"Well, I still call you Rachel...but you have been referred to as the 'salesgirl bitch' and Bonnie thinks you're just a bitch."

"Nice. Alright, I can't be here anymore. It's too depressing. Let's get a drink. I'll buy, roomie."

Rachel jumped out of the Buick and walked towards the gate. Phoebe stood frozen, staring at it.

"This was my home."

"Come on, I'll buy you a drink," Rachel said, grabbing her hand and pulling her out as they grabbed a cab and soon met up with Phoebe's friends at a bar at Port Authority. Rachel loved this. Loved that she was in her friend's world….although she knew Phoebe was a bit nervous. Rachel grinned at Phoebe as she stared at Phoebe's friends all looking back at her.

"Hey...my name is bitch. Some call me, 'raging bitch'', others just call me 'that slutty bitch,'" Rachel said, grinning from ear to ear, although they all just looked confused except Bonnie, who Rachel recognized. Bonnie just looked angry.

"Guys, she's making a joke," Phoebe said.

"I think I'm gonna go," Bonnie said.

"Wait, Bonnie...I'm sorry. For what happened at the beach, for destroying your relationship with Ross. I'm really sorry. I...if it makes you feel any better, we just got divorced," Rachel said.

"What? You two got married?" Bonnie asked.

"Kinda," Rachel said.

"When we went to Vegas, Rachel and Ross got smashed and they got married. Ross lied and said he had gotten the marriage annulled when he didn't," Phoebe said.

"He told Pheebs he lied, he didn't tell me," Rachel said.

"Wait...what?" Bonnie asked.

"I'll tell you the story...but Rachel is definitely not the same person she once was. She's not that salesgirl bitch, Marjorie...she's actually not bad," Phoebe said. Rachel looked at the girl Phoebe referred to as Marjorie and then back at Bonnie.

"You did fuck up my relationship with Ross though. I mean, I really did like him," Bonnie said.

"I know, look Ross and I have...a weird relationship. We aren't great together but apart, all we want to be is together and, unfortunately, along the way there have been some causalities. Innocent people who have gotten hurt, like you.. Ross and I get jealous of each other, we fight, we have sex...we...it's very-"

"Unhealthy?" Marjorie asked, finishing Rachel's statement.

"Probably. Yes. Bonnie, please let me buy you a drink. I'll buy you all a round of drinks. I saw the junkyard tonight-"

"And I lived here too. Right outside, on those benches," Phoebe said, pointing outside. Rachel smiled as she gently linked her arm in Phoebe's.

"Thank you for taking care of her when she was living in the junkyard or out there on the benches. Thank you for keeping her alive...because I am so lucky to have a friend like you, Pheebs. I'm not sure how much I would have changed, had I not met you," Rachel said.

"Thank you, Rachel," Phoebe said as she gave Rachel a hug.

"What about those drinks? Tell me what you want," Rachel said.

"You're really gonna take drink orders?" Phoebe asked.

"I used to be a waitress," Rachel said.

"I know. That's why I'm asking...you're gonna take drink orders?" Phoebe asked, smiling.

"I can take...okay, can one of you help me?" Rachel said.

"I used to work here. I'll help you. I know what they want," Sue Ellen got up and followed Rachel towards the bar to get drinks and soon returned to the table. Rachel really wanted these girls to like her, she loved hearing stories, but, of course, the ones she wanted to know were about Phoebe.

"So what happened to you when Phoebe jacked your aunt's store?" Marjorie asked.

"I got grounded for letting someone rip off the store while I was supposed to be working. Phoebe stole a shit load of stuff," Rachel said.

"I'm sorry you got grounded, though," Phoebe said.

"No, you're not," Rachel said.

"Yeah...no, I'm not," Phoebe said.

"No, it was a big deal. I was going to a dance or on a date or something and I had my outfit planned and what we were gonna do that night...and...oh, it was gonna be perfect. I think I was gonna go with Chip. I think-"

"Sounds memorable," Phoebe grinned.

"Screw you," Rachel joked. although she did contemplate telling them how bad it truly got but thought better of it. It didn't really matter. Their stories would always be worse.

"Ooh, she is tough," Marjorie said.

"Alright, alright...ladies, I know all the super depressing stuff about Phoebe 'cause she mentions it a lot...I wanna know the crazy stuff," Rachel said.

"I've told you stuff," Phoebe said.

"No, I wanna know more. The stuff Monica and Joey and Chandler don't know," Rachel said.

"Well, Chandler knows a lot. He really was my partner in crime when I first moved in," Phoebe said.

"Oh, he's so hot," Sue Ellen said.

"You think Chandler is hot?" Rachel said.

"Oh, my G-d...I would do things to him. I would wreck him," Sue Ellen said.

"But isn't he with Monica?" Bonnie asked.

"Yep. They just moved in together," Phoebe said.

"And Phoebe doesn't think they'll last," Rachel said.

"I do too, shut up. He's gonna freak out...just...do you wanna find a new place to live?" Phoebe asked.

"Oh, man...I could have taught that boy some things," Sue Ellen said.

"Okay, okay...tell me about Phoebe, please. The crazy stuff, nothing depressing," Rachel said.

"Okay, but you can't tell anyone," Phoebe said.

"I won't...unless Chandler knows, then we can discuss it over lunch...and Sue Ellen, I will be telling him this conversation," Rachel said.

"Please do," Sue Ellen said.

"Oh my G-d...you and Chandler, when you get together, it's like you're like two teenage girls," Phoebe said.

"I know. He's my gossip buddy," Rachel said.

Phoebe laughed as the conversations continued. Phoebe's friends filled her in on all sorts of incredible stories and Rachel felt like she had a whole new perspective on her friend. She truly adored Phoebe, adored how much she had accomplished and everything she had done, even if she had had some help, she still did it.

When Rachel and Phoebe got back to the apartment that night, both girls were still riding on a high so while it was late, Phoebe poured some wine and the two sat on the couch. Rachel had decided to put on the black tulle skirt with the pink sequins from her aunt's store although it didn't fit her which made her a little sad.

"Looks hot," Phoebe said.

"Thank you. So your friends liked me?"

"They loved you. Even Bonnie."

"Yeah...that one surprised me. I'm glad they liked me and I'm glad we're roommates."

"Me too. To Rachel and Phoebe...who would have thought all those years ago that we would one day become best friends and I am sorry I didn't tell you that Ross was still married to you."

"It's okay. To be honest...probably one day, Ross and I will probably get married. We just need to work out some things first."

"I can see that and I love Monica and Chandler, so don't think I'm betting against him."

"I know. How do you think he's doing in Monica's apartment?" Rachel asked.

"I think he's doing okay. I mean...he's pretty good at calming her."

"He really is. It's a gift."

"A gift we don't have."

"Never. Oh, I could just imagine. You go from being homeless to being roommates with Monica," Rachel said.

"I know. But I owe her a lot."

"Me too. But to us...let's finish the toast and drink until we pass out."

"'Here, here," Phoebe said as they clicked their drinks together, still laughing and talking. It was the most unlikeliest of friendships, the two of them, but it worked and as 1999 wore down to a close, Phoebe and Rachel began a very happy and very fun life as roommates and best friends.


	44. Chapter 44

March 2000-April 2000

Rachel loved lived with Phoebe. They were out practically every night, they went out with her friends or Rachel's. She felt a little bad that they weren't including Monica, but Monica had Chandler and they still saw her every day. She was looking forward to Monica's thirtieth birthday though. That seemed so strange. Monica was thirty and soon she would be. How were they possibly turning thirty? Chandler had thrown a surprise party for Monica, set it up and made it look perfect for her. It was impressive and very Monica Geller-esque. There were foods with fancy names and they had to dress up.

"This is gonna be fun," Rachel groaned as she and Phoebe sat together, drinking champagne.

"It is sweet that he did this," Phoebe said.

"Yeah...but my thirtieth is coming up in two months. It better be far better."

"It will. You're the last one."

"I know. Wow, I will milk this for all it's worth now. I'm officially the only one left in their twenties."

Phoebe laughed as she and Rachel continued to drink. Rachel scanned the apartment, Joey and Ross were in the kitchen laughing about something. Monica's friends, Laurie, and Ellie were talking with their husbands. It was an interesting mix.

"Okay, she's here, "Chandler shouted from the door. Rachel and Phoebe hid and soon the lights came on and everyone yelled surprise. There was something off about Monica though. Rachel and Phoebe exchanged looks and walked towards Chandler and Monica. Ellie and Laurie seemed to notice as well as they were soon next to Phoebe and Rachel.

"What's going on?" Rachel asked.

"I might be a little drunk," Monica whispered.

"Oh, that's awesome," Phoebe said.

"I love when she's drunk," Laurie said.

"Me too," Phoebe said.

"Can you four please take care of her? Get her ready and….please take care of her," Chandler pleaded as Ellie quickly took over, placing her arm around Monica and the four women walked Monica into her bedroom where Monica collapsed on the bed.

"Alright what can we get you?" Ellie asked as she shut Monica's bedroom door and walked towards the closet.

"Let me take care of it," Rachel said, annoyed. She didn't want Ellie taking over. Sure, Laurie and Ellie had been Monica's friends in high school and they treated her better but Rachel felt she would do better and Ellie was just annoying.

"Rat Face," Ellie said.

"Step off, Elephant," Rachel said, glaring at her, "I do stuff like this for a living. Let me do this."

"Alright, alright," Ellie said.

"I love it when Rat Face gets feisty," Phoebe grinned.

"Do not call me that," Rachel warned. "And can as we become grown women in our thirties, stop with the unflattering childhood nicknames."

"I had never had a childhood nickname," Phoebe said.

"You didn't?" Laurie asked.

"No….although once, I had a pimp spit in my mouth and I was called his whore," Phoebe said.

"Phoebe," Rachel said, giving her a look.

"I thought we were sharing," Phoebe said. Rachel rolled her eyes and began looking through Monica's closet for clothes.

"This is nice. You girls are so cool….it's like awesome," Monica said.

"Wow, you are so drunk….sweetie," Laurie said.

"Yeah...and it's funny 'cause my boyfriend is a drug addicted alcoholic and I'm the one that's drunk," Monica said, giggling. Rachel's eyes widened as she shot Phoebe a look.

"Let's get you dressed. What do you think? Pretty?" Rachel asked, holding up a black gown.

"Beautiful," Phoebe said.

"And then...you know, what else is funny?" Monica asked.

"Prostitution?" Laurie asked.

"No, no….my boyfriend is so sweet….'cause he threw me a party and I forgot his birthday and...and then yesterday, I complained that I-"

"No more talking, Mon, let's get you dressed," Rachel said as the four girls immediately began helping Monica get changed. Phoebe was brushing her hair, Ellie and Laurie were getting her clothes on, Rachel was applying Monica's makeup and soon she was ready.

Monica stuck with Chandler as Rachel and Phoebe sat with Ellie and Laurie who began asking questions.

"Is he really a drug addicted alcoholic?" Ellie asked.

"He's….he sometimes drinks," Rachel said.

"He's fine," Phoebe said.

"Yeah...he...he's fine. So how are you girls?" Rachel asked.

Rachel and Phoebe were able to diffuse the situation. It was definitely difficult, although the party did not last long. Around nine, people began to clear out and Phoebe suggested she and Rachel go to a club and hang out.

"Where are you guys going?" Monica asked, stumbling towards Rachel and Phoebe as they stepped towards the door. She held onto Rachel's arm.

"We're gonna go, honey. Happy birthday and you get some rest and we will see you tomorrow," Rachel smiled, giving Monica a hug.

"Yeah, we will see you tomorrow," Phoebe said.

"Oh," Monica said.

"You know, let me walk you two out," Chandler said as he walked towards Phoebe and Rachel and motioned for them to follow him. He walked into Joey's apartment and turned to look at Rachel and Phoebe.

"Hey, can you two do me a favor?" Chandler asked.

"Of course...what? Rachel asked.

"Take Monica with you. Wherever you two are going right now, please take her with you."

"Why? Do you wanna get rid of her?" Phoebe asked.

"No, it's just...I know the reason she drank a lot tonight. Not just 'cause she's turning thirty. I think lately she's been feeling left out," Chandler said.

"But we're not leaving her out on purpose. She's got you. Rachel and I are pathetic and single," Phoebe said, grinning. Rachel looked at Phoebe and then at Chandler.

"I know, I've told her that," Chandler said, "Look...just take her. Do what you do...have your pillow fights and stuff."

"You're really convinced that this is what we do when we're together?" Rachel asked.

"Yes, it is. Please don't ruin that," Chandler said.

"Okay, we will...are you gonna be okay?" Rachel asked.

"Please. I got Joey and eighty-seven trays of appetizers over there. You think he's leaving my apartment soon?" Chandler asked.

"Okay...you're a good boyfriend, Chandler," Rachel said.

"Yeah, we'll take your girlfriend off your hands for you," Phoebe said as the three walked out of Joey's apartment and back into Chandler and Monica's. Monica was sitting at the table, still drinking and chatting with Joey and Ross.

"Mon, sweetie, do you wanna hang out with us?" Rachel asked.

"Really?" Monica asked, her eyes brightening.

"Yeah. We figured this party kinda looks like it's over and you know, we haven't had a girls night in a long time...we will continue celebrating your birthday," Phoebe said.

"Okay...Chandler, are you gonna be okay?" Monica asked.

"I'm fine. I got food, booze and _Die Hard_," Chandler said.

"Yeah, we're not going anywhere," Ross said.

"I gotta finish this," Joey said. "Dude, did someone finish the crab cakes?"

"No, there's a tray right here," Ross said as he handed Joey a tray. Joey took it and dug in.

They headed to a local club where they met up with Phoebe's friends. The drinking continued as all three got drunker and caught up. It felt nice, the three of them together. It had definitely been awhile. So much had been changing within the group that it did seem like it had been forever.

"So, what's going on, Mon?" Rachel asked as she sipped her Cosmo.

"Nothing. I just miss you two."

"You have a boyfriend now...whom you live with," Phoebe said.

"I know and I love that but...I remember when we used to go out and make fun of our boys and...I don't know. I miss it and now I'm thirty and I feel like I've lost you two," Monica said.

"Mon...you're never gonna lose me," Rachel said.

"We had this conversation already," Phoebe said.

"I miss you two. I mean, yes, I tell Chandler a lot...but there are certain things I can't tell him," Monica said.

"True. Okay...let's discuss. I have a question. Remember when you said and this was before you and Chandler got together...you said that Chandler was more sophisticated than he lets on when it comes to girls. Now that you've been with him for awhile...is it true or false? Is he more sophisticated than he lets on?" Phoebe asked.

"Yes. It's true. Very true. He doesn't give himself enough credit," Monica said.

"He never does. I mean, I love him too...but the man needs some self-esteem," Rachel said.

"He's getting better. I'm impressed with him. He is definitely getting better. I think he knows I'm in this now and I'm not leaving him," Monica said.

"Chandler's a good kisser though, isn't he?" Phoebe asked which made Monica turn bright red. Rachel's mouth dropped.

"You've kissed Chandler?" Rachel asked. When did this happen?

"When I first moved in, he was my partner in crime. We did everything together...including kissing. He's good. He's better than Joey," Phoebe said.

"You've kissed Joey?" Rachel asked.

"Yes...and Ross," Phoebe said.

"Ross? Wow...slut," Rachel said.

"When did you kiss my brother?" Monica asked.

"When he and Carol broke up. Around the time, Joey moved in. But Chandler's the best of all three of them. He's sweet," Phoebe said.

"Well, I've only kissed Chandler, so I'll say...he is an awesome kisser much better than Richard," Monica said.

"And Chandler's better than Richard when it comes to sex?" Phoebe asked.

"Uh-huh," Monica said.

"You know what it is? He's sensitive. Even more than Ross or Joey. Ross gets jealous and Joey can be a pig and Chandler is just cuddly and sweet. I miss that he no longer gives me little kisses on the head or shoulder anymore," Rachel said.

"Me too. Mon, did you tell him he couldn't do that anymore?" Phoebe asked.

"No. No. He's allowed to do that. I think he stopped because he thought I'd get mad. I'll let him know he's allowed to still do that...but with only you two. If you see him do that to someone else, please let me know," Monica said, grinning as she took a sip of her drink.

The three women laughed as they clicked their glasses and drank. The music was pounding around them and it felt nice, just the three of them.

"Oh, also….Monica, just...I know you were drunk and it was just Ellie and Laurie so it's probably fine, but you cannot tell people your boyfriend is a drug addicted alcoholic," Rachel said.

"Oh my G-d, I said that," Monica said.

"Yeah, even I thought that was inappropriate," Phoebe said.

"See," Rachel said. Monica cringed.

"It was so sweet that he threw that party for me. So sweet….and I got drunk and I also forgot his birthday and yet he put together a surprise party for me. I know you have both said that you wonder if he's good enough for me…." Monica mused.

"Awww, but without your influence do you think he'd even think about throwing a party for someone else? Without you yelling at him? And it wasn't in the basement of the Pizza Hut. This was a Monica Geller party," Rachel said.

"Although, not gonna lie…..a party at the Pizza Party sounds fun," Phoebe mused.

"You know what else we discussed? A little….I can't quite mention the marriage word yet to him. We're making progress, but I did tell him that if he asked me, my answer would be yes. All he needs to do is ask. I will say yes." Monica said.

"And when will that be?" Rachel asked.

"I said before I am thirty one, he has a whole year," Monica said.

"You know what, Chandler and I have our mani/pedi date next week and we wanted to also try this Japanese restaurant that opened up next door to the salon so I'll work on him," Rachel said.

"Go for it," Monica smiled as the three continued socializing, dancing and of course gossiping. Rachel desperately wanted to know the stories of when Phoebe had kissed all three of the boys, and Phoebe happily told those stories. Rachel had contemplated revealing the time she and Chandler has kissed, but decided against it. Sure, it had been a nothing kiss that had lasted about two seconds but she had a feeling that it would upset Monica given the timing of it and she knew Chandler would be upset.

The next morning, she and Phoebe headed to Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica had wanted a birthday breakfast so they decided continue the celebrations. As Chandler emerged from the bedroom he walked towards Rachel and Phoebe and planted a kiss on the top of each of their heads.

Awww, you told him," Rachel said.

"Of course," Monica said.

"Hey, when I try to kiss you two like that, you punch me," Joey said.

"I don't try to unhook their bras when I do it," Chandler grinned as he took a seat next to Monica.

"Technicality," Joey mumbled.

"Alright, I'm next. Let's make this thirtieth count. I'm the last one," Rachel said.

"Ten more months until Joey is thirty three," Chandler said.

"I'm gonna punch you," Joey said.

"Well, let's not forget my birthday is next month, before Rachel's," Chandler said.

"We remember...I have a birthday idea for you though," Monica said.

"You do?" Chandler asked.

"Miniature Golf," Monica said.

"Mon, we're in our thirties," Ross said.

"I know but Chandler had a party at a miniature golf course when he was eleven and apparently it didn't go very well," Monica said.

"I caught my parents having a threesome in front of those windmills," Chandler said.

"Nice," Joey said.

"Okay, we'll do golf for Chandler's and then for Rachel's we will figure something out," Monica said.

The joy was cut short by a phone call. Phoebe's apartment was on fire. Everything ruined and now Rachel would have to live with Joey and Phoebe would be staying with Monica. While Rachel was sad about the apartment, there was part of her that was thrilled to be back in that apartment building. Sure, she wasn't living in the same spot, but she was close enough and she was happy to live with Joey. She felt it would be the perfect opportunity to actually get to know him even more.

"So now, you and I are roommates," Rachel asked, sitting in one of the recliners. It was a few weeks into their stay as roommates and they were eating pasta and relaxing.

"Yes, we are," Joey said.

"Okay, tell me about you."

"You keep asking this….you know about me."

"You grew up in Queens….you know, I lost my virginity in Queens," Rachel said.

"You did?" Joey asked.

"Yeah, Chip and I. We went to this house Queens….this guy used to have all these parties and it was fun and we had sex in one of the bedrooms. There were like Bon Jovi posters and movie posters on the walls and his room...oh, were Playboy pictures on the walls….a calendar and Knicks posters….I remember the posters because I kept staring at them and-"

"Did you have sex in my bedroom?" Joey asked, staring at her. Rachel stopped and looked at him, her mouth dropping.

"What?"

"I grew up in Queens and my family and I would have block parties. Raging parties and….Chandler apparently went to my Halloween one after he covered your car with peanut butter. Were you at my house?"

"Oh my G-d."

"Oh, that's awesome. You did it in my bedroom."

"I'm classy like that," Rachel said, shaking her head. Of course it had to be Joey's house, Joey's room. She wouldn't go further and tell Joey she had gotten pregnant from that experience but of course, it made sense.

"I love that. My parties brought people together."

"There were a lot of people at that party. I remember that. Like it was packed."

"Yeah, sometimes we had over a hundred people. People were in the streets."

"Did you ever get complaints? I had a wild post Thanksgiving party when my parents were out of town and there were calls. I got in trouble."

"The cops left our street alone….they knew not to come and there was some….financial reward if they didn't come around."

"You paid them off."

"I didn't pay them off."

"Someone else paid them off?"

"Quite possibly."

"Wow."

"Why won't you tell me? Have you told Phoebe or Chandler this stuff?"

"It's in the past. Why bother with the past."

"But it's cool….so you've never whacked anyone but you've seen people be whacked? Who am I gonna tell? Also, Phoebe admitted to killing a guy in Prague, remember? I can keep a big secret."

"Hmmm, Duncan better be so happy he still has his legs. It would have taken one call, but Chandler thought sending gay porn would have been funnier."

"I-wait….were you gonna call someone?" Rachel asked.

"I wanted to, I definitely wanted to after what he did to Pheebs. I said to Chandler that I was going to make a few calls and Chandler said, let's go with funny and skip the terrifying."

"You two make a good team….oh my goodness. I am...wow…." Rachel could not believe what she was hearing. This was truly amazing to her. This whole story was amazing to her. She really knew so little about Joey's life and this was just the tip.

"He's drinking too much again," Phoebe said as she walked into the apartment and pulled up a chair.

"What?" Rachel asked.

"Chandler's totally off the wagon. I keep seeing him drinking and taking something when he thinks no one is watching. He's off the wagon," Phoebe said.

"He had been doing so well," Rachel said.

"Now he's not….if he wants to kill himself, fine. I give up," Phoebe said.

"He's not killing himself," Joey said.

"Pheebs."

"No...look, I love Chandler. He is amazing and smart and I think we can all agree no one makes me or any of us laugh as hard as he does. I don't know how else to show him what he means to us...to me. How else can we show him?"

Rachel kept looking at the door. She let out a sigh as she stood up and walked out. As she opened the door to apartment 20, she noticed Chandler pop something into his mouth and swallow it with a glass of wine.

"What did you just take?" Rachel asked.

"Nothing, just headache."

"Should you be drinking wine?"

"I'm fine."

"What's wrong with you? Why do you do this? Why won't you let us help you? How can we help you? Tell me?"

"I'm fine, Rach."

"Okay," Rachel said as she looked at him. Her heart just began to break for him, "I'm excited for your birthday."

"Me too."

She let out a sigh as she slowly walked out of the apartment. She hated leaving him, she knew he was getting sick again. She was starting to cry again. It was just too much.

He kept disappearing, coming home later and later. As they planned his thirty-first birthday, the conversations began to turn to Chandler again. Rachel felt horrible for Monica. She also felt horrible for Chandler.

"He's working late again?" Phoebe asked as she, Monica, Joey, Ross and Rachel sat in the living room, eating pizza and planning Chandler's golf party.

"Yeah, apparently," Monica said.

"You think he'd come up with a better lie. Yeah, like he's working late," Ross said.

"Have you mentioned anything to him?" Rachel asked.

"Oh, yeah. But he won't say anything. Hmmm, maybe we should forget the party and send him to rehab for his birthday gift. Like, hey, here happy birthday….we don't want you to die," Monica said.

"Should we do that? Forget golf...he's dying. Should we get him into rehab or something? I don't want him to die and I'm not ready to give up on him yet. I want..." Rachel tried, maybe that's what they could do?

"He's not gonna go, we can try...but he's not going to go," Ross said.

"What do we do? This...this seems almost worst than last time," Rachel said.

"We stay with him," Ross said when Chandler walked in. He was looking bloated.

"Hey, guys….sorry...I was working late," Chandler said.

"Sure you were," Joey said.

"I hope you're getting overtime," Phoebe said.

"I know….and you know, for someone who hates their job as much as you Chandler, it's amazing how much overtime you've put in," Rachel said.

"Yeah….I'm gonna go change," Chandler said as he walked towards their bedroom.

"Chandler, can-can we talk to you?" Rachel asked.

"About what?" Chandler asked.

"Is everything okay?" Rachel asked. Maybe with all of them there, he would say something?

"Are you really working late? Come on, buddy," Joey said.

"I am fine, guys...just tired," Chandler said as he walked into the bedroom. Monica stood up and followed him in, closing the door behind her.

"I wish we could fix him," Rachels said.

"Me too," Ross said as he reached over and squeezed her hand. She smiled back. She looked sadly at her pizza, taking a piece of pepperoni off and sticking it in her mouth.

The day of the party, all six of them headed to the golf course and there was some argument over who would be with whom. They decided on two teams.

"I'm on Chandler's team!" Joey yelled.

"I'm on Chandler's team too," Monica said.

"But I'm his favorite," Joey said.

"We've discussed this, Joey...no, you're not," Monica said.

"Chandler, tell her," Joey said.

"Sorry, Joe...it's Monica," Chandler said. Monica gave Joey a smug grin before turning around and walking towards the first the hole of the course. Chandler then turned back to Joey mouthed, "just kidding. It's you."

"Wow, you two really are strange," Rachel said, catching Joey and Chandler's exchange.

"Hey, losers...what are you doing?" Monica yelled, waiting for them.

"Wait, wait...Monica, I love you...but I don't want to be on your team," Chandler said.

"Why not?" Monica asked, a little insulted.

"Maybe Ross and Monica should be on one team," Joey offered.

"No, I'm not gonna be on Monica's team," Ross said.

"No, no...you get Monica and we get Ross...it's the only way to be fair," Rachel said.

"And because you wanna continue sleeping with me," Monica grinned, looking at Chandler, "you're on my team."

"Damn you, London," Chandler muttered which caused the rest of the group to laugh as Monica playfully smacked him. "Okay, okay...but here's the deal...you've cut off my toe, you scarred me from Pictionary...I will be on your team if you promise not to injure me."

"I can't make that promise," Monica said.

"Monica...love isn't supposed to hurt," Chandler grinned.

"Shut up," Monica laughed.

"Come on, let's play. I've never played," Phoebe said.

The group split up with Joey, Chandler and Monica on one team, Ross, Phoebe and Rachel on the other. She liked being on Phoebe and Ross' team. She could not stop laughing as Ross was competitive and trying to follow the rules exactly and Phoebe kept making up her own rules.

"So I get fifty seven hundred points," Phoebe grinned.

"You can't get that many points."

"Why not, Ross?"

"Because….you didn't even get it in the hole."

"So?" Phoebe asked.

"I got mine in the hole," Ross said.

"That's not what Rachel's told me," Phoebe grinned.

"Phoebe," Rachel admonished while laughing. Ross gave her a look.

"I always get into the hole," Ross shot back.

"Both of you need to stop….now, Ross it's your turn. Go play with your ball," Rachel grinned and high fived Phoebe as they laughed. It was so much fun, she had not laughed that hard in a long time. It would have been perfect if not for Chandler. She kept noticing him. He kept drinking from a water bottle that she was pretty sure was not water.

After playing golf, the group went to a pizza place to continue the birthday celebrations. As they ordered pizza and beers, Rachel wanted to try again. She wanted to try and stop this. Stop whatever was happening.

"Chandler?" Rachel asked quietly as they were all eating.

"Yeah?" Chandler asked.

"That bottle of water you had when we were playing golf...that wasn't water, was it?" Rachel asked.

"I don't want to talk about this, it's my birthday," Chandler grinned.

"Dude, what is going on? Let us in...we can help you. We wanna help you. If you're going through the drugs again, then we will be there again. Seriously, let us in. Do you need rehab? What do you need?" Ross asked.

"I need you to stop. I'm fine...I am grateful for all of you, but I am fine. It is all good," Chandler said as they all exchanged looks. A tension floated over the group as it seemed he was far from fine.


	45. Chapter 45

**May 2000 Part 1**

Ross was dating a student, Elizabeth. She was pretty, sweet, young. Rachel was actually not jealous, probably because she assumed it would not last and also because she had her own boyfriend, Elizabeth's dad. Yes, it could be considered strange. It was probably weird, but she liked Paul. He was sweet, older and sweet and as her thirtieth was getting closer and closer, she kinda liked being around someone older.

"So, tomorrow's the big 3-0," Paul remarked over dinner the night before her birthday. She let out a groan as she drank from her wine glass.

"I can't wait. Thirty. How am I thirty? What did you do when you turned thirty?"

"I had a five-year-old daughter and my wife was still alive."

"Oh," she said, not sure how to respond to that. She was seriously starting to doubt whether or not this was a good idea. That daughter was now Ross' girlfriend.

"Is this weird? What we're doing?"

"Yes."

"Well, okay….so...okay…"

" Can I come to your birthday dinner tomorrow?"

"Maybe not. I like you but….maybe...I haven't told my parents and I just...Ross will be there and….yeah, no. I'm sorry."

"It's all good."

"Okay," Rachel said, picking up her menu.

He was a man of very few words. She wished he would open up a little more but maybe it was better than nothing. Maybe if she got to know him better, which did hope would happen although maybe not at the moment.

Rachel's parents had decided to throw her a big thirtieth birthday party at a fancy hotel. They had invited everyone, even people that confused her. They had tracked down Mindy, Sharon and Nancy who still looked awful. She wasn't quite sure the meaning behind it and her mom didn't really seem to understand her concerns.

"Mom, I'm no longer friends with them."

"You can make up and be happy."

"I am happy, not being friends with those girls makes me happy."

"Rachel..."

"Mom, Mindy married my ex-fiancee. She married Barry."

"But they got a divorce. Honey, she may need a friend."

"Seriously? Why does it need to be me?"

"You have a connection."

"Do know what you're asking of me? Also, I needed a friend when I ran out on Barry and not one of those girls were there."

"Sweetie, you've always been very kind and maybe as you enter your thirties you can be forgiving."

"I don't want to be and I'm quite happy not forgiving," Rachel grinned.

Her mother just simply smiled at her, gave her a little kiss and walked off. Rachel groaned. She really wished that she could take the other five as well as Chelsea, Laura Jean and Emily and just leave. She noticed her sisters sitting with two random guys that she didn't know. She could go talk to them, but she didn't want to, instead she walked towards Chelsea, Laura Jean, and Emily who were chatting happily. Emily was sitting with her husband and Chelsea and Laura Jean were with their boyfriends.

"Hey, ladies."

"Nice affair, where's the old dude?" Chelsea asked.

"I didn't bring him. I didn't want to...I'm not ready to explain to my parents why I'm dating a forty-five-year-old," Rachel said.

"Who has a daughter who is dating your ex-husband. I love your life," Emily grinned.

"He's not my ex-husband. Vegas marriages do not count," Rachel said.

"Good life motto," Chelsea said.

"Okay, I have to go find Monica and talk to people I hate but my parents thought should be included," Rachel said as she walked towards the table with the other five. She walked straight towards Monica.

"You need to come with me," Rachel said.

"Why?" Monica asked.

"My mom wants me to be nice to Mindy, Sharon and Nancy who are here."

"Why?" Monica asked.

"She wants me to be nicer to them," Rachel said.

"Why? And why do I have to go?" Monica asked.

"Monica, please. Come on, think how cute you look right now and how amazing it will be to walk over to those girls and be like all cute and hot. Wouldn't that be amazing? Please?" Rachel asked, practically begging. Monica let out an annoyed sigh.

"I really have to learn to not give in to you," Monica said, standing up.

"You really should, but you don't have to do that tonight," Rachel said, grabbing Monica's hand and dragged her towards those old friends of hers as if she had something to prove.

"Nancy, Sharon, Mindy, hello..." Rachel said.

"Rachel, where's your husband?" Nancy asked. Nancy looked even bigger than the last time she had seen her.

"Oh, yeah….I was lying to you about that. I'm not married...that guy is Monica's boyfriend. He's the guy who covered your car and mine back in high school. He's quite brilliant." Rachel said. "What are you three doing here?"

"Your mom invited us," Nancy said.

"Of course, she did," Rachel said, which of course she knew the answer to, but she just wanted to hear them say that.

"Where are you sitting?" Sharon asked.

"With my friends….Monica, you guys remember Monica right?" Rachel asked.

"Ewww, what happened to you? You look gross and anorexic," Sharon said. Rachel raised an eyebrow and looked at Sharon. Had Sharon really changed that little?

"Actually, I think she looks phenomenal and she has been the most amazing friend and I'm gonna sit with her tonight," Rachel said.

"Sit with us...catch-up," Mindy said.

"I don't want to," Rachel said as she walked off, still grabbing Monica's hand and pulling her off to the side. Monica stopped her in the middle of the room.

"You just did that so that you could tell them off," Monica said.

"Yeah. I'd say sorry, but I wouldn't mean it."

"And wait….I've gone from Monicow to now I'm anorexic? What?" Monica asked.

Rachel felt a little uncomfortable, but she felt maybe she should say something. Monica had been looking very thin lately and she knew why.

"Hmmm...I will say something….away from them, you do look too thin and I know what's going on-"

"My live-in boyfriend is drinking himself into an early grave and is completely off the wagon."

"I know and okay, those girls are awful but….they do have a point, you look too thin. You are taking this all on and me, Pheebs, Ross, and Joey are all in your corner. We all want him to get well."

"I know."

Monica and Rachel hugged and walked over to a table with Ross, Joey, Phoebe and Chandler. Rachel sat in between Phoebe and Ross and kept scanning the party. It was pretty amazing. Her entire family was there, her friends, everyone celebrating her. It was the perfect party. Her eyes landed on the gift table and she began wondering what gifts would be in them when Ross tapped her on the elbow. He was giving a toast so everyone lifted their glasses.

"So, to Rachel...the final one to turn thirty," Ross said as he lifted his glass.

"I know, we're all in thirties now guys. How did this happen?" Rachel asked as they all clicked their glasses and drank

"Easy. We were all born in the sixties," Chandler joked.

"I have made a major life decision, though," Joey said, "I am now and will forever be...twenty-one years old."

"Until eight months from now when you're thirty-three?" Chandler asked.

"Your thirties are making you mean," Joey said.

"Whatever you say, old man," Chandler teased.

"Fuck you, asshole," Joey shot back.

The group laughed as they drank. Rachel kept looking back at the guests. She saw her Aunt Olivia across the room dressed in a yellow suit. There was a tiny feeling of happiness that surged through her knowing all she knew now about the robbery.

"By the way, Pheebs. That's the aunt you stole from," Rachel pointed to Olivia "Should I introduce you?"

"No," Phoebe said. Rachel gave a pout, there was the evil side of her that so wanted to make that introduction just to see what would happen.

"Hey, Chan...you alright?" Joey asked.

"Rach, who's that?" Chandler asked. Rachel looked at him and noticed that Chandler did not look well. He looked pale and sweaty. She looked back to see who Chandler was pointing at and turned back.

"Oh, that's my Uncle Rick. He's the best. He's so funny. Chandler, actually, you'd like him. He loves all those old movies and old time comics and stuff. I should introduce you two," Rachel said.

"No," Chandler said.

"Chandler, are you okay? You're shaking?" Phoebe asked.

"I'm fine," Chandler said.

"What's going on?" Rachel asked, feeling a strange feeling in the pit of her stomach.

"Are you sure that's him?" Monica asked.

"Yep," Chandler said.

"What...tell me? What's going on" Rachel asked.

"Baby, tell 'em," Monica said.

"Not now," Chandler said.

"Tell them," Monica said.

"Alright, okay...remember I told you how my mom had a boyfriend who um...when I was like ten, did stuff to me," Chandler said.

"Yeah," Rachel said.

"That's him," Chandler said.

"Uncle Rick? No, no...he's harmless. He wouldn't hurt anyone. He used to take us out on his boat and stuff and..." Rachel began and suddenly stopped. That day on the boat. She remembered it so vividly. Rick was arguing with a woman. She had overheard the conversation. The video? The video that Rick had brought for her and her sisters to watch? The argument between Rick and the woman? Was that Chandler's mom? She was upset. The woman kept asking Rick what he had done. Rachel felt nauseous.

"I'll talk to him," Phoebe said as she started to get up.

"I'll come with you," Joey said, getting up as well.

"Guys, no. Chandler...come with me," Rachel said.

"No. It's fine," Chandler said.

"Chandler, you're thirty-one years old now and six feet tall. I think you're safe. Come on...please come with me," Rachel said, staring at him. She got up and waited for Chandler. When he walked towards her, she grabbed his hand and began walking towards her uncle.

"My ass hurts," Chandler muttered.

"No jokes," Rachel shot back.

"I can't do this."

"I need to know now. I need you to be okay."

"I feel like I'm ten years old. He made my movie theater bad," Chandler said, crinkling his nose a little. "He...he...I don't know...I don't...I-"

"I'm not leaving you," Rachel said. "Even though you seem real intent on leaving us."

Rachel felt like she had tunnel vision. She kept thinking of that day. Everything else seemed to melt away as she approached Rick. She tapped him on the shoulder and when he turned to smile at her, she felt sick.

"Rachel, sweetie...how does it feel to be thirty?"

"Old," Rachel said, "um...Uncle Rick...I-I have a question. This might sound strange...but did you ever date a woman named, Nora...uh...Nora Bing?"

Rick seemed thrown off by the question, "over twenty years ago, why?"

"Um...did you...did you know her son? Chandler?" Rachel asked.

"Oh yeah...that kid was a terror. Why are you asking?" Rick asked.

"'Cause um...this is Chandler," Rachel said pointing at Chandler.

"What?" Rick asked, looking at Rachel again who could barely control herself.

"Okay...he's...he's told me some stuff...some really disturbing things and...and I...need to know...did you...did...what did you do...to him?" Rachel asked.

"Nothing that he didn't deserve," Rick said, glaring at Chandler. Rachel gripped Chandler's arm tightly. It was true. It was definitely true. She began to cry.

"He was a ten year old boy...what could he...he didn't deserve...that? What could he have possibly done? He was a child," Rachel said, tears now streaming down her face.

"What did you tell her?" Rick asked.

"The truth. I told her what you did to me in our theater...which was my place. I told her everything you did to me in there. I told her how you got a hard on every single time you took me across your knee. I told her how on my tenth birthday, you gave me a hand job. I told her everything you did," Chandler said. Rachel was hyperventilating, she could barely breathe listening to all of this.

"He lied to you, Rachel," Rick said. "You know as well as I did that never happened."

"I don't believe you, Uncle Rick. I don't," Rachel said.

"I'm family," Rick said.

"No... I've known Chandler for a long time. I know when he's lying and when he's telling me the truth. Tonight he is telling me the truth. I know he is. I need you to leave...how could you do that? He was a kid...and then you would come over to our house..wait..wait, his tenth birthday? That was in April? I would have been eight, almost nine. I remember the boat trip that year. Jill fell in the water because Amy pushed her overboard. You took us at the beginning of April, every year for a boat trip and that year...oh my G-d," Rachel said, shaking as she could barely control herself. She saw every moment in her head. She saw the fight between Rick and Chandler's mom. She knew that boat trip.

"What are you talking about? I never did anything to you, Chandler tell her the truth," Rick said.

"I have," Chandler said.

"What's going on?" Dr. Green, Rachel's dad, asked as he approached them. "Why is my daughter crying on her birthday. You're not that old."

"No, dad...Uncle Rick needs to leave or I'm gonna call the police," Rachel said.

"And tell them what? I didn't do anything," Rick said, "and it was twenty years ago."

"What the hell is going on?" Dr. Green asked.

"Daddy, when Chandler was ten, Uncle Rick dated his mom and apparently did some things to him that...that...he did stuff...and..." Rachel said.

"Rick, what's going on?" Dr. Green asked.

"Nothing, I-," Rick said.

"Let's go outside," Dr. Green said as he put his arm around Rick who turned to glare at Chandler as Dr. Green forcefully led him out of the room. Rachel turned to Chandler, looking up at him with her eyes filled with tears as he hugged her.

"Hey, hey...it's alright," Chandler said. "He's gone now."

"No, no...I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"This isn't your fault."

"It's just...I didn't know. I didn't...I...I want you to be happy Chandler. I don't want you to die. I wish I could take all that pain away from you. I don't know. I love you and you mean so much to me and it kills me that you don't see that. Please, Chandler. Stop. Whatever you're doing...stop."

Rachel was shaking as Chandler held her in his arms and gave her a kiss on the head as he held her. Slowly, they walked back to the table. Rachel sat back in her seat and dabbed her eyes as Ross and Phoebe comforted her.

"I'm so sorry, Chandler," Rachel managed to spit out.

"Rach, it's fine," Chandler said.

"No. I'm just so sorry. I'm sorry that happened...I-" Rachel tried before dissolving into sobs again.

"Rachel, this isn't your fault. Wait, was it Rick?" Ross asked.

"Yeah. Rachel's dad asked him to leave. So did Rach...hey, Rach, I still think you're awesome," Chandler said reaching for her hand and squeezing it.

"I just...I don't like thinking that me or any member of my family caused pain to you, Chandler or to you Phoebe...you two have already been through so much and I just want you both to be happy and I don't like that you were in pain because of something I did or my uncle did," Rachel said, now in hysterics. Phoebe grabbed Rachel's hand.

"Hey, I am happy," Phoebe said.

"I burned down your apartment," Rachel said.

"But your hair looks fabulous," Phoebe grinned which made Rachel laugh as she wiped away the tears from her face.

"I am sorry. Both of you," Rachel said.

"Rachel, listen to me. You are amazing and I am not mad at you and I do not hate you and I very happy to be celebrating with you. You're thirty...and hot," Phoebe grinned.

"I know," Rachel said.

"And Rach...same here. You didn't cause me any pain. Really, if anything...I liked that you were a pain in my ass when we met at camp. It was normal," Chandler said.

"You did put peanut butter in my bed...and on my car," Rachel said.

"I wouldn't do it now though," Chandler said.

"Good. Thank you. Thank you, guys. I love you guys so much. Thank you letting me into your group. You're the only people I wanna spend this day with," Rachel said as Phoebe leaned into hug her. Rachel let out a sigh. She needed to enjoy the rest of her party or at least try. Of course, leave it to her sisters to corner her as she was walking towards the bathroom.

"What happened?" Amy asked.

"Uncle Rick is a monster," Rachel said.

"I always knew he was so creepy," Amy said.

"Dad was like yelling at him in the parking lot," Jill said.

"Good….he deserves more than getting yelled at. He's a….he...I don't wanna talk about it."

"Why not?" Jill asked.

"It's amazing gossip," Amy said.

"No, it's not. He destroyed a friend-"

"Is he the one that drove Brian over the edge?" Amy said.

"No. No, and I respect the friend too much to give that person's name. Just…he's awful," Rachel said.

"Well, then if you're not going to tell us who the friend is, tell me about Ross? Is he dating anyone or is he still heartbroken?" Jill asked.

"He is dating someone….a twenty-year-old."

"Oh my G-d….ewwww, gross," Jill said.

"I cannot believe you hooked up with him. I mean, seriously, Jill," Amy said.

"I didn't hook up with him. Ewww, gross. I just wanted to like play with his head so Rachel would get pissed off," Amy said.

"And people wonder why I don't have a close relationship with my sisters," Rachel said. "You both realize, Ross is here and he's my best friend."

"Yeah, your taste in guys went way down when you moved to the city," Amy said.

"Really? You really think Ross is a step down from Barry? Really? And Amy, you're gonna be thirty-three and dating a guy who is married. Jill, you're twenty-seven and still living at home and off our parents. I'm not the one making horrible life choices," Rachel said, stepping back and walking back towards the party area when her father approached her.

"Rachel."

"Did he leave?"

"Yeah, do you want me to talk to your friend?"

"No….I'll do it. I….I don't know. How did you not know he did this? Daddy, I overheard them arguing. His mom and Uncle Rick. He took a video from Chandler's collection of movies and gave it to Jill, Amy and I to watch and I snooped and I heard them arguing and his mom kept saying, 'what did you do?' and he kept calling Chandler a monster and it was Chandler and now he's sick," Rachel said, starting to cry again. Leonard Green hugged her tightly.

"Hey, I will take care of this. You take care of your friend. I'll take care of Rick. This isn't your fault. Stop taking blame."

"Okay. I won't. It's my birthday," Rachel said.

"You have gifts."

"I like gifts."

"I know and I'm very proud of you, kid."

"Thank you."

Rachel stepped back from her dad, feeling a little better. She wouldn't take the blame, her dad was right. As she walked towards the table, she was stopped again this time by Mindy.

"Hey, can I talk to you?" Mindy asked.

"No. I don't even want you here."

"Please. Barry and I divorced."

"Okay….sorry."

"He cheated on me."

"Okay."

"Rachel."

"What do you want me to say?"

"I'm sorry. Okay, I'm sorry Barry and I hooked up and I'm sorry for all of it. Can we be friends?"

"I don't know."

"Look, tomorrow is Kiki's baby shower."

"Kiki?"

"Yes."

"I wasn't invited."

"I know, I told Kiki we were coming to this and she wanted me to invite you. You, me, Nancy, Sharon, Kiki, Leslie and Joanne. Please? It's at The Plaza, tomorrow at one."

"I don't know."

"Please? Just so we can talk."

Rachel let out a sigh. She nodded and agreed. She was at a different place now than the last time she had seen those girls, so maybe it would be better now. When she finally reached her table, she noticed Monica sitting in her seat talking to Phoebe. Joey and Ross were talking to each other and Chandler looked like he was off in his own world. She sat in Monica's vacated seat and looked at him.

"I owe you a copy of Return to Witch Mountain."

"What?" Chandler asked, looking at her confused.

"That was the video Rick stole from your collection and brought it for Jill, Amy and I to watch and I remember seeing your mom and Rick fight and she was crying and asking what he did and he said nothing that you didn't deserve. I'm really sorry."

"Rach."

"No. I am."

"You don't owe another copy of that movie. I don't even remember it."

"It was a good movie and I'm really….just...I'm sorry."

"I'm okay and besides once you open my gift, you will no longer feel sorry," Chandler said, giving her a smile.

"What?"

"Monica and I bought you separate gifts 'cause Mon had a special gift she wanted to give you and I went out and tried to find the tackiest thing I could find and I really think I succeeded."

Rachel laughed, knowing Chandler was trying to lighten the situation in the only way he knew how, by making her laugh.

"Seriously?"

"Oh yeah, you're going to hate my gift. I can't wait," Chandler grinned.

"You are unbelievable."

"I know. Oh and you won't be able to return it because I ripped up the gift receipt and I told the salesperson that if a Rachel Green comes in to try and return it, you must say no. I gave them your picture and everything. So they're expecting you," Chandler grinned.

Rachel laughed as she gently patted his arm and gave him a kiss on the cheek. She shook her head. He made it so difficult at times. It was hard for her to be mad because he always made her laugh.


	46. Chapter 46

First thank you for the reviews! Although, it doesn't seem like a lot of you are reading this, so review~~

Second, the reviewers who are commenting that things are not happening according to the actual show's storyline, I have taken liberties. In my story, Rachel loses her virginity at a party. There are a lot of things happening in my story that did not happen in the show...so while I am following the timeline, I'm not doing it perfectly.

Third, yes, I am bringing back old movies a lot or pranks because I think this particular group would hold on to moments like that because it would mean something for each of them.

**May 2000 part 2**

She went to Kiki's baby shower. She was very reluctant to but thought maybe she should. Maybe she could start her thirties forgiving. She knew she would never be able to forgive Rick but maybe she could forgive those girls. As she walked in, Kiki immediately approached her and hugged her.

"Rachel, thank you for coming. Happy birthday."

"Thanks. Happy baby."

"Thank you, come on," Kiki said, taking her hand and leading her to a table with Nancy, Sharon, Mindy, Joanne and Leslie. Rachel felt so uncomfortable around these girls. She felt so apart from them as she and Kiki sat down.

"Your party was fun, although you didn't speak to us," Nancy said.

"Well, there were a lot of people there and a friend needed me," Rachel said.

"Why were you crying?" Sharon asked.

"Long story."

"Why did you lie to me about being married? That's so pathetic," Nancy said.

"You married an old dude for money."

"And Monicow looked gross," Nancy said.

"I know. Total anorexic. I can't believe you're still friends with her," Sharon said.

"Really? Come on, guys….she's dating an amazing guy whom she'll probably end up getting married to, she's really successful and she built a family in the city. She's….she's unbelievable and amazing. I am so lucky to have a friend like her and to consider her a sister and I feel honored that she feels the same about me," Rachel said. "Why are we still acting like we're still in high school?"

"I wanted to call you when Barry and I divorced," Mindy said, "you were right. I shouldn't have married him and the whole family is so strange. You know, Brian doesn't exist anymore to them. They don't visit-"

"I know."

"I'm glad you're here," Kiki said.

"Fine," Rachel said.

"Why are you so angry?" Joanne asked.

"Seriously? I haven't spoken to you girls in five, six years and you haven't spoken to me. I really honestly considered you guys my best friends and I gave up friends for you, all of you. Then when I heard those messages after I ran out on Barry...I didn't take running out on him lightly. I didn't wake up one morning and go, 'you know what would be fun to do today?' I needed a friend and I'm sorry but he was sleeping with you, Mindy, so I would have entered a marriage knowing the guy was already cheating on me," Rachel said. "Why didn't anyone check in with me?"

The girls exchanged looks and then looked back at Rachel. Everyone felt rather uncomfortable and didn't quite know what else to say.

"We should have said something," Mindy.

"Yeah, you should've," Rachel said.

"We're sorry. But hey, we hear you're doing well," Kiki said.

"I am," Rachel said.

"I hear you're working at Ralph Lauren. That's not pathetic," Nancy said.

"And Monica did look pretty last night," Sharon said.

"You called her, Monica," Rachel said.

"She did, but she did also look really thin," Sharon said.

"I know and there's a reason and it's being handled. I don't want to talk about that," Rachel said, letting out a sigh. She needed to relax, maybe let it go, "you know what I miss? The traveling we did. Vail."

"You almost burned the cabin down," Kiki said.

"The toaster was defective," Rachel argued.

"Amsterdam," Joanne said.

"Oh, that was amazing," Rachel said.

"Do Monica or any of those new friends know what really happened in Vegas?" Leslie asked.

"Ross does. We've become very close over the years and I've become really close with three girls from work and I told them but no, Monica does not know and neither do my friends, Phoebe or Joey...and certainly Chandler does not know."

"Chandler?" Leslie asked.

"That's Helena-Charles' son," Rachel said, grinning.

"You're friends with him?" Mindy asked.

"He was there last night," Rachel said.

"Oh my G-d, he was the guy who you came to my house with and he...oh he is path-"

"If you say 'pathetic' Nance, I will punch you in the face. Just leave him alone. He's...yeah, just leave him alone," Rachel said.

"Okay, you know who is pathetic? Chip Matthews," Nancy said.

"Is he still working at that damn movie theater?" Rachel asked.

"Yep," Nancy said.

"What-why..he went on a date with Monica a couple years ago and Monica was like...what? He offered her posters for her bedroom."

"Awww, did she take them?" Mindy asked.

"No, Monica is not putting movie posters in her apartment. There's not a chance in hell," Rachel said, laughing. "What the hell happened to him?"

The rest of the girls laughed as well as they continued to talk about Chip. It did feel surprisingly nice. She would never be close with these girls, but at least she could be civil and that was enough.

Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe had decided to have a lovely lunch at The Morgan Chase Museum. It was a girl's day for the three of them in this beautiful museum.

"You know, you and Chandler should get married here," Phoebe mused, sipping champagne.

"We're not engaged," Monica said.

"Eventually, you will be," Phoebe said.

"And who will be your maid of honor?" Rachel asked.

"I don't know. I'm gonna hate that question," Monica said.

"It should be me," Rachel said.

"How do you figure?" Monica asked.

"I've known you for twenty four years," Rachel said.

"Yeah, but for twelve of those years, I was your secret best friend," Monica said.

"It wasn't that big of a secret," Rachel said.

"I should be it….because I never once made you be my secret friend," Phoebe grinned.

"Bite me," Rachel said.

"I have no idea who will be my maid of honor. If it comes to that," Monica said.

"What do you mean?" Rachel said.

"He's not doing well and if he….I just….lately...I keep thinking of funerals instead of weddings," Monica said.

"Mon," Rachel said.

"If he kills himself, I'm not going to his funeral," Phoebe said, matter of factly. "I will go to his wedding, I will not go to his funeral."

Monica and Rachel stared at her, blankly. Phoebe had said a lot of strange things over the years, but this seemed almost bizarre.

"What?" Monica asked.

"Chandler is one of my favorite people in this world. He has done so much for me and I adore him….and if he...if he does end up losing his life to this, I don't think I'd be strong enough to attend his funeral...and that's coming from me," Phoebe said.

That hit Rachel hard. She understood Phoebe, but Rachel refused to entertain that thought.

"Put your name down," Rachel said.

"Hmmm," Monica said.

"Look, maybe if you put your name down….it will give you something positive to look forward to. Nothing will happen, there's probably gonna be a wait list and...maybe...put your name down. It wouldn't hurt."

The idea of Monica and Chandler getting married made her start to rethink her relationship with Paul. She did love Paul but she knew it would never go anywhere. He did not want to get married again and she did, she wanted marriage. Ross' relationship with Elizabeth was also short lived because they also wanted different things which she knew would eventually happen but Rachel felt that maybe her thirties were the time to start dating with a purpose, she wanted to date in order to get married. After breaking up with Paul, she went to find Monica and Phoebe to explain her decisions.

"He's too old and he doesn't want the same things," Rachel said although, Monica looked depressed. Chandler was starting to look worse and it was taking it's toll on Monica.

"Hey," Joey said as he and Chandler's friend, Tyler walked into the apartment.

"Hey, guys," Rachel said.

"Um Monica, we should probably tell you….Chandler's sleeping in my room," Joey said.

"Why?" Monica asked.

"He got wasted and I called Joey and we brought him home," Tyler said.

"Tyler, why are you letting him drink that much," Monica said.

"I tried to stop him, but I can't and that Gandalf guy is douche," Tyler said before noticing Rachel and grinning, "hey, Rachel."

"Hello, Tyler," Rachel said.

"So...can I ask a question?" Tyler asked.

"I'm gonna punch you in the face again if you ask that question and I'm older now, I can hit harder," Rachel said.

"So he's passed out drunk in your bedroom," Monica said.

"Yep….thought you should know," Joey said.

"Thanks," Monica said as Tyler and Joey walked out of the apartment and Monica looked back at Phoebe and Rachel. "You know, I admit it was wrong of me to invite Richard to join us at our table for our anniversary but it was nice catching up with him. He's still smart and kind and...we get along very well."

"Monica, are you thinking about going back to Richard?" Rachel asked. She had known what had happened. Chandler had meant to propose to Monica but the plans had been put to an abrupt end when Richard showed up at the restaurant unexpectedly and Monica invited Richard to eat with them.

"I don't know. I didn't have to worry that Richard was killing himself," Monica said.

"He's old. He'll die eventually," Phoebe said.

"Richard doesn't want kids, that was the whole reason you broke up," Rachel said.

"I know...it's just...Chandler is making it difficult. It's getting too difficult," Monica said.

"He will get better….just….we'll figure something out," Rachel said.

"I guess. I'm tired," Monica said. Rachel felt sad for Monica and sad for Chandler. She wanted him to be okay and she wanted Monica and Chandler to be engaged. The whole thing just made her sad. As soon as she left her apartment, she decided to go next door to visit Ross and talk with him. He would understand. He would listen.

"Sorry about Elizabeth," Rachel said as he let her into the apartment. The two made themselves comfortable on his couch.

"It's alright. She's too young. Which makes me feel old….speaking of old, sorry about Paul."

"It's okay. It wouldn't have lasted anyway….and it was a little weird, you and me dating them…..kinda like you dating my sister."

"Definitely….but she didn't really like me, did she?"

"No. Not at all….I like you."

"Then that's perfect. So enjoying your first days of being thirty?"

"Yeah, I mean I'm glad I went to Kiki's baby shower. I'll never be friends with those girls, but it's nice to let go of the hatred. Still upset about Uncle Rick. How did no one see that? He was my favorite uncle. He's my only uncle, but I loved that guy. He did that….and Chandler is passed out drunk in Joey's room."

"So I'm guessing he didn't take the running into Richard thing well."

"No. Does this….all this drug and alcohol use, does it stem from what Rick did? I mean, did my uncle cause this?"

"No, no….no one caused this."

"I just want everything to be okay."

"I know. Me too."

Rachel let out a sigh as she reached towards the remote and turned on the television. Ross had been watching some sort of documentary about something. She wasn't sure, but she moved in so she was resting comfortably against him. He wrapped his arm around her and grabbed the remote out of her hand.

"Hey, I was watching that," Rachel said.

"No, you weren't. Hang on," Ross said as he began flipping channels until he landed on the Style Network. They were airing a documentary about Gianni Versacce. She looked up at him as he gently gave her a kiss.

"Awww, thank you."

"Love you, Rach."

"Love you too….always and that's the problem," she said as they shared another kiss and continued to watch the show. He kept his grip around her as she felt comfortable. She wished they could always be this way, just the two of them….together.

The next morning, Phoebe and Rachel joined Monica for breakfast at the apartment. It had been rough for Monica so the two decided to join her for bagels and coffee.

"He finally came back in at four am. He's sick and he's….I don't know…..Do we have to have an intervention? What do I do? I don't what else to do?" Monica asked.

"Give him an ultimatum?" Phoebe asked.

"I don't know how much longer how I can hold on," Monica said.

"No, you have to hold on," Rachel said.

"He's making me sick, Rach," Monica said.

"I know...it's just...I don't want him to die," Rachel said, it terrified her that Monica was ready to give up. If they broke up, what would happen? Would they lose him completely? She kept thinking about Brian. People gave up. What if they hadn't? What if she had gone to his apartment the day after their fight?

"Sometimes I do miss Richard. It was easier with him. I didn't get so upset or worried. When it's my turn...you know? When do I get to be happy? We're always trying to make him happy. When do I get to be happy?" Monica asked.

"You keep mentioning Richard….is something already happening? Besides him crashing that dinner?" Rachel asked. It was strange. She had heard more about Richard in the last few weeks than she had heard in years.

"No. I'm scared. I'm really scared. I want him to be okay and I want to save him but he doesn't want to save himself and I've worked hard and I want it to be my turn. I'm thirty years old in a relationship with a thirty one year old commitment phobic, drug addicted alcoholic and here's another thing….I broke up with Pete because he was destroying himself by doing that stupid fighting thing and Chandler's destroying himself and I love Chandler far more than I ever loved Pete and I hate, hate that he is forcing me to watch him die. I feel like a prisoner," Monica said, letting out a long, sad sigh. It broke her heart to hear Monica just ready to give up. She hated that. Monica never gave up and her being so ready to do so made her nervous.

She needed to have a moment so she took a cab to the place where she seemed to take a lot of her moments. She sat by Brian's grave and gently pulled out the weeds. She kissed her hand and touched the ground as she stared at the tombstone. She couldn't really say much, just began to cry. Tears falling down her face as she stared up at the sky. She didn't want this to end. She didn't want to have to say goodbye to someone else and she was becoming more and more convinced she would have to.

When she returned to her apartment, Joey and Phoebe were sitting there and Phoebe was looking pissed about something. That's when Rachel learned the plan. Apparently, after Richard crashed that dinner, Chandler and Joey had made a plan to throw Monica off course and think she did not want to get married. It worked and now Monica was trying to find Richard and everything was backfiring.

"We can't let this end. We can't...if this ends...we're gonna lose him. He's...this can't end," Rachel cried, trying to comprehend everything.

"We won't let it end, Rach," Joey said, giving her a look, his eyes filled with fear. "Chandler went to Richard's to look for Monica."

"What they don't make it. Oh my G-d...that plan was stupid, Joey," Rachel said.

"I know, I know. We'll fix this," Joey said when suddenly the door opened and Monica walked in, looking worn out.

"Monica," Rachel said.

"Is Chandler here?" Monica asked.

"No, no...he went looking for you," Joey said.

"Oh. Okay...well, when he comes back, tell him we have to talk," Monica said.

"Oh, G-d," Rachel said.

"It was a plan," Joey said, walking towards Monica and stopping her. Monica looked at him and cocked her head to the side. "It was a plan to throw you off course. Chandler wants to marry you."

"It's okay, Joe. Chandler and I weren't meant to be, right?" Monica said, shrugging.

"Oh, my G-d...he's gonna die," Rachel said.

"What?" Monica asked.

"Rachel," Phoebe said shaking her head, she walked over to Monica, "Joey's right. Chandler wants to marry. I went with him to buy a ring. He was going to propose to you at the restaurant but Richard came in and then Joey and Chandler hatched the 'I hate marriage' plan to throw you off course. He wants to marry you, Monica. More than anything. He's wanted to marry you since 1995. Please do not break up with him."

Monica looked from Phoebe to Joey and then at Rachel who was sniffling. Rachel got up and walked towards Phoebe and Joey and stood between them. Monica looked like she was thinking seriously about something.

"He was gonna propose at the restaurant?" Monica asked, and the three nodded. "He wants to marry me?" The three continued nodding as a small smile appeared on her face, "Joey...this was the dumbest plan you and Chandler have ever had."

"I know."

"Keep this up and you two may not be allowed to play together anymore," Monica said.

Phoebe, Rachel and Joey laughed a little as Monica smiled back at them.

"I'm sorry, Mon," Joey said.

"It's okay. New plan. ...Phoebe and Rachel, get me all the candles you have...I have an idea and Joey, I'm gonna need you to do the best acting job you've ever done. It may involve playing him a little bit more...can you do it?" Monica asked.

"Does it end with him getting engaged?" Joey asked.

"Yes."

"Then I'll do it."

The four went to work. Chandler seemed to be gone for hours though making them all a little worried but they did eventually hear footsteps and it was showtime. Monica walked into her apartment, Rachel, Phoebe and Joey went next door and peered through the peephole. When they saw Chandler, Joey walked out leaving Phoebe and Rachel alone.

"I am so terrified right now," Rachel said.

"Me too."

"I think he's fallen off the wagon," Rachel said, although she knew she was stating the obvious.

"Me too...oh, they're going into the apartment. Joey's coming back."

The two stepped back and let Joey walk back in. The two women immediately hugged him. He let out a sigh.

"That was tough," Joey said.

"Did he buy it?" Rachel asked.

"Yep...and they're in there now."

"He's sick again," Rachel said. Again with the obvious...

"I know," Joey said.

"Let's go try to listen," Phoebe said.

Joey nodded as the trio walked outside and tried their best to listen through the thick green door although it was fairly impossible.

"Do you think now, he'll finally be happy?" Rachel asked.

"I hope so," Phoebe said.

"Me too," Joey said.

"And I wish they'd speak up," Phoebe said to which both Rachel and Joey agreed. They waited for about ten minutes until they could no longer stand it and Joey screamed, asking if they could finally come in. They could hear Monica telling them to come in. Joey opened the door and the trio ran up to Monica and Chandler and they all embraced until realizing Ross wasn't there. They would need to call Ross...and start celebrating.

"I think we have champagne at my place and I'll call Ross," Joey said as he walked towards the door.

"Thanks, Joey," Monica said as Joey walked to the door.

"Actually, Mon," Chandler said, "do we have Red Bull in the fridge?"

"Yeah, why?" Monica asked.

"I think I'm gonna give up drinking," Chandler said.

"Really?" Monica asked.

"Yeah...I think I should...I...I found someone worth stopping for," Chandler said.

"Wait...I wasn't worth stopping for?" Joey asked.

"Get the hell out of here," Chandler said.

"Alright, I'll call Ross," Joey said, laughing as he walked out of the apartment. Rachel walked over to Chandler and immediately hugged him. Monica grabbed a Red Bull from the fridge and walked over to him. She handed it to him and gave him a kiss.

"Wait, don't drink it yet," Phoebe said, grabbing six champagne flutes from one of the cabinets. She placed them on the table and reached for Chandler's Red Bull. He handed it to her and she poured it into one of the flutes and handed it back to him. "You can still drink it fancy."

"Thanks," Chandler said as he drank. Monica wrapped her arm around him. It would be better this time, maybe things would turn around. At least Rachel hoped so...


	47. Chapter 47

May 2000-February 2001

Monica and Chandler were getting married. Rachel should be happy, she was happy. She loved Chandler and she loved Monica. She was excited to be chosen to be Monica's maid of honor. Monica had taken her, Laurie, Ellie and Phoebe out to lunch and she was picked. Rachel had always figured she would be the maid of honor, but it was nice to finally have it confirmed. It still made her depressed. Sitting in her room, she opened the box containing her wedding dress and stared at it. She ran her fingers over the white lace and remembered trying it on. The wedding was going to be wonderful and big with lilies and pink and white.

"Hey, you alright?" Ross asked, staring at her from the doorway. She smiled at him.

"Yeah, yeah….what are you doing here?"

"I figured you might need some company," Ross said, walking in and closing the door behind him and sat on her bed.

"I'm Mon's Maid of Honor and Chandler's going to be your brother in law."

"Yep."

"How are you doing?" Rachel asked.

"Well, I'm happy for them."

"You know, they will probably remain married. Monica's not a lesbian and she probably won't leave Chandler at the altar," Rachel said.

"True….and Chandler will say the right name and neither one will be wasted," Ross said.

"And yet...I feel...I mean, they're getting married and you've been married three times. I ran out on a wedding and thanks to you have been divorced once and I'm happy….I am, it's just….I wish that….I'm being stupid."

"No, you're not….I get it."

"Do you think you'll ever get married again, Ross?"

"Yes. To you," Ross said, giving her a smile.

"Come on."

"No. Look, I know you and I have done some crazy things but I know in the end, we'll probably end up together."

"How do you know?" Rachel asked.

"I just do."

"Hmmm, well...what do you think our wedding will be like?"

"Better than Monica and Chandler's."

"Of course, we've had more practice," Rachel said as she kept staring at her old wedding dress, "you know, I should get rid of this. I mean, when I got it….when I tried it on that first time, I loved it. It was the perfect dress….just not the perfect wedding."

"Our wedding will be perfect," Ross said as he gently squeezed her hand.

"Then why don't we get back together? If it's going to happen, if you think it will...then maybe...should we give us another try?" Rachel asked, looking at Ross.

"We are good together."

"We are but….sometimes we're not and when we're not-"

"It's bad."

The two looked at each other, the tension between them apparent as it always was. There was so much to be said, so much that could be discussed. She had forgiven Ross for the Vegas thing as she thought it was partially her fault. She had even forgiven him for cheating, but she wasn't entirely she could give in. She said the words, maybe they could start again but what if it ended again?

"I just….I want to know what we should do?" Rachel asked.

"Take a break."

"I'm gonna kill you."

"Hey, you know I get to walk you down the aisle at Monica and Chandler's wedding."

"Yeah," Rachel said, trying to ignore the tense feeling in her chest. She had been feeling weird around Ross lately.

"We could try going on a date. Try again but….and don't take this the wrong way, Rach, but I think you just might want to start us again because Monica and Chandler are getting married."

"That's not true."

"Really?" Ross asked.

"Get out of my room."

"I'm just saying."

Rachel glared at him. She wanted to argue when he suddenly leaned in and kissed her, hard. She closed her eyes and gave into the kiss. It felt right kissing him, it always felt right. When they separated, she almost missed him.

She kept thinking about Ross the next day although those thoughts were quickly replaced by her promotion. She was getting promoted and her job promotion was definitely becoming the light in the drama that was her personal life. She was promoted to merchandising manager at Ralph Lauren. This was huge. She got her own office and was in charge of keeping Ralph Lauren items in the stores, plus she got to hire her own assistant. She had never been on the side of having to do the interviews and that excited her and of course, freaked her out.

"I mean, what do I ask?" Rachel asked as she sat at her new desk in her new office. Emily, Laura Jean and Chelsea were sitting in her office. The four women were eating lunch and celebrating Rachel's new job. "I mean, this….I've never been on this side before. I have to interview people."

"Be sure to ask about the trends," Chelsea teased which made Rachel laugh. She truly hated that question.

"Remember to ask if they can collate things. My first assistant didn't know how to collate," Laura Jean said.

"I had one that couldn't staple stuff," Emily said.

"I just….I don't….I…" Rachel tried. She kept picking at her salad and wondering about her new position. She was now an executive. It was thrilling and yet terrifying. After lunch, she decided she needed to take a walk. She needed a moment. She soon found herself at Chandler's office, down the street. She walked in and saw his assistant, Allie, eating her lunch. Allie was new and Rachel liked her, she was far nicer than Chandler's old assistant, Helen.

"Is he there?" Rachel asked.

"Yeah, you could go in…hey, Rachel, is he okay?" Allie asked.

"Yeah, yeah, why?" Rachel felt uncomfortable with Allie's question.

"Never mind….I...yeah, he's fine."

"Allie, is he still drinking? Do you know something?"

"No. I don't. I just-I don't….he's fine…."

Rachel looked towards Chandler's door and walked towards it. As she opened it, she noticed Chandler jump up and down something in a mug rather quickly. He let out a cough as he looked at her.

"Rachel….what are you doing here?"

"Are-are-you-I came by to ask about interviewing for assistants. I have to interview them because you know, I got that promotion and….you have an assistant and I don't know-I've never been on the interviewing-Chandler, what are you drinking?" Rachel asked, sounding blunt.

"Excuse me?"

"You promised Monica you'd stop drinking when you got engaged. You promised all of us. Are you keeping your promise?"

"Yes."

Rachel glared at him. He was lying to her. He was definitely lying.

"Chandler?" Allie asked, standing in the doorway of his office.

"Yeah?"

"Lowell is back in his office," Allie said.

"Great. Rach, can we talk later. I have to go talk to him about some wenuses."

"Hmmm," Rachel said as Chandler got up and walked around his desk. She noticed he seemed a little uneasy in his walk. He stumbled a little as he walked towards the door. Was he actually drunk at work?

"Why don't I talk to you about it tonight?" Chandler asked. "This meeting will take awhile."

"Yeah," Rachel said, walking towards him. She gave him a hug and could breathe in the smell of tequila. She looked at him and shook her head as they walked out of the office. She followed Chandler down the hall and turned as if she was walking towards the elevator. She watching him disappear around the corner before turning and walking back to his office. Allie was still sitting there.

"Rach?"

"I need to look for something in his office. Please don't tell him I came back here."

Allie grinned and got up. She grabbed some keys off her desk and motioned for Rachel to follow her back into the office. Allie walked towards a locked cabinet and opened it. There were bottles of pills and little bottles of alcohol.

"That's why I asked you that question," Allie said. Rachel let out a sigh as she walked towards his desk and picked up his mug of what looked like coffee. She took a gulp and immediately started hacking.

"What the hell did he put in this?" Rachel asked, wiping her mouth.

"What should I do?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?" Allie asked.

"I gotta get back to work."

"Should I tell-"

"No one. Tell no one."

"Okay."

Rachel walked out of the office and headed back towards her office building. When she made it back to her new office and sat at her new desk, she kept staring at it as if it held some sort of answer. Her mind drifted to her new job though, she wanted to think about that. She wanted to think about interviewing assistants. This was her time, she had earned this. She earned Tag, a very sexy assistant whom she ended up hiring. He had no experience, but he was cute. He was sexy. He was twenty four.

"I thought you wanted to date me….or get married?" Ross asked over dinner. He had taken her out to celebrate over Mexican food and margaritas.

"I'm not going to date him. He's my assistant. I get an assistant."

"Pretty cool. Even though you did hire yourself a boytoy."

"You dated a twenty year old," Rachel argued, "and I'm not dating him. I'm just going to watch him and mentor him."

"And help him become a man?"

"Bite me."

"Maybe later."

"You know, I did go to Chandler's office to get advice on interviewing," Rachel said.

"And?"

"Well, he's off the wagon. He was drinking in his office."

"You sure?"

"Yes. Even his assistant, Allie, was asking if something was wrong with him and then we went into his office and he has stuff...little bottles of booze and pills," Rachel said, trying to gauge the look on Ross' face. He simply stared at his meal and reached towards his margarita where he took a long drink.

"I don't want to talk about this."

"You don't?" Rachel asked, confused.

"No. I'm tired. Look, I've been friends with the guy for thirteen years and maybe I'm being really selfish but I don't….I want a break."

"I understand."

"You know, I'm proud of you Rach."

"You are?"

"Yeah. I mean, you're a fashion executive. It's what you wanted."

"It is."

"And you have a boytoy."

"He is not my boytoy," Rachel said.

"Sure," Ross said.

Rachel smiled as they continued eating. She liked eating with Ross, being away from the rest of them. It reminded her of those days before she came back into the group, when she had those rare run-ins with him. Sure there were only two or three of those run-ins, but they were still memorable.

"I like this. You and me, on a date."

"Me too."

She knew he didn't want to talk about Chandler, but she still couldn't stop thinking about him. Ross had done so much for Chandler, she knew that.

"So….let me ask you, you took care of Chandler for four years in college. You never went wild and crazy in college? You had no crazy college stories?"

"I dated and then married a lesbian."

Rachel laughed, "no I'm serious Ross….the way you make it sound, all you did in college was babysit Chandler."

"I did that a lot."

"The entire time. You just watched as he drank a lot. You never drank with him? You never went off on your own?"

Ross looked at her and gave her a smile, "I….we….I did go with him sometimes and partied. I went out. I drank, I busted a move or two."

"Really? What's the craziest thing you've ever done...college, post college...I want stories."

"You know stories."

"Not all."

"Alright…when I was dating Carol...although, maybe this should have been a sign, Carol and I and another girl who was at our school-"

"Was it Lizzie?" Rachel asked.

"Chandler's ex, Lizzie….no," Ross said, "but me and Carol and this girl did have a threesome."

"Really?"

"Yep."

"Ooooo. I hated that girl Lizzie by the way."

"You did?"

"She just seemed bitchy."

"She put up with a lot. Honestly, if she had not been around, I would have killed him."

"Hmmm...well, if he keeps this up, we may all kill him or Chandler may kill himself."

"Quite possibly….so tell me more about this boytoy."

"He is not my boytoy."

"He is so your boytoy. Seriously, what happened to you wanting to find a husband and settle down?" Ross asked.

"I am. Tag and I have a connection."

"Really? You got that from the first interview?"

"Yes. It's a connection...of-of-"

"He's the American version of Paulo," Ross said.

"You take that back."

"I won't."

"I'm not dating him and you know what were you doing at 24 that was so great?"

"I was married, working on my PhD and working at a museum."

"Ehhh, bite me," Rachel remarked which made Ross laugh. It was moments like that, moments where she sat across from him, laughing with him that made her long for him.

"You know, you aren't going to end up marrying him."

"I know that and how do you know?" Rachel asked.

"'Cause you're gonna end up marrying me."

"Well, that's dumb and arrogant….and we were already married."

"Yep but next time, I'll keep you in the loop."

"I don't want to marry you," Rachel said.

"Yes, you do."

"Not even a little bit. You're arrogant and you're jealous of Tag."

"No, I'm not. Although I do wish my boss was a hot thirty something who enjoyed staring at my ass."

"Get an ass like Tag's and I'll stare at it," Rachel shot back. Their relationship was stable now, nice and they were moving on or moving forward and for as much as she loved being with Ross, for as much as she longed for him, she wasn't sure being with him was the best thing. She just wasn't sure.

Being with Tag wasn't the greatest thing for her either but it was fun, amazingly fun. He was funny and sweet and sexy and he made her feel young and alive and truly just perfect. The only ones at work who knew about the relationship were Emily, Laura Jean and Chelsea and they loved it. She loved it for the first few months, they spent Thanksgiving together where they made their relationship official. They spent the holidays together and rang in 2001 as a couple but as 2001 began, she started to become more aware of things. When he invited her to his twenty fifth birthday that February, it pained her slightly. Twenty five. He was twenty five. When she watched him celebrate with his buddies, drinking heavily and partying wildly, it made her feel old. She would be turning thirty one in three months and she felt uncomfortable being the oldest person at his party.

"Hey, Tag….I'm gonna take off," Rachel said approaching him. His birthday party was at his apartment. He was playing beer pong with some friends and she had just spent twenty minutes listening to some of his female friends talking about some club opening.

"Where are you going?" Tag asked. "This is the pre-party."

"I know but….Phoebe's also having a birthday dinner and I already told her I'd be late but-"

"Will you meet up with us later?"

"Probably not."

"Rach, what's wrong?" Tag asked.

"I'll talk to you later," Rachel said.

"Talk to me now."

"No….not tonight,"

Tag looked at her and reached for her hand. He pulled her off towards his bedroom and closed the door. He looked at her, concerned.

"No, now," Tag said.

Rachel let out a sigh, "I'm going to celebrate my best friend's thirty third birthday. I'm gonna be thirty one. I am the oldest person in this room….and I'm your boss."

"But it never-it's bothering you now?"

"I know, it's weird but I was just sitting there listening to your friends and watching you and….you're twenty five years old. Look, let me ask you a question. Do you wanna get married?"

"Sure."

"In the next year?"

"No."

"This isn't working. I'm sorry. It's just not working," Rachel said, "I want to get married in the next year or so. I've already been married and...and I mean, we had fun-"

"So should I quit?"

Rachel let that sink in. She hadn't really thought of him quitting. It was awkward, so very awkward.

"I don't know."

"Then I quit," Tag said.

"Tag."

"Look, I love you Rach."

"I love you too but….I….I sat there and listened to stories about….it was fine when you were with my friends or we were at work, but being here. It reminds me that I'm too old. I'm….too old to be doing this. I'm sorry," Rachel said as she walked towards him. They shared a last kiss before she left. She did love him. She was crazy about him, but she had to let him go.

When she got back to Monica and Chandler's apartment, she was a little stunned by the scene. Phoebe was sitting on the couch and Monica was on the phone, pacing. The boys were nowhere.

"Hey," Rachel said as she walked towards the couch and sat by Phoebe.

"What are you doing here? I thought you were going to Tag's first."

"I did but we broke up."

"I'm sorry."

"And he quit."

"That sucks," Phoebe said.

"He wasn't the one. He's turning twenty five. I'm there watching him do beer pong with his buddies and listening to these skinny little girls talking about things I don't give a crap about and I just thought…..where are our friends?" Rachel asked, a little more concerned by the boys not being there. There was a vibe in the room that was impossible to ignore any longer.

"Chandler's disappeared. Monica's calling the police. Joey and Ross took the Porsche and are looking for him."

"Excuse me?" Rachel asked.

"He's vanished and no one knows where he is."

"Why didn't you call me?" Rachel asked, her heart dropping a little.

"You were at Tag's."

"I don't care. He disappeared."

"Yep. Third birthday of mine he's ruined by the way."

"Pheebs."

Phoebe shook her head. Rachel turned to look at Monica who was freaking out a bit on the phone. This was not going to end well.

"What did the cops say?" Phoebe asked when Monica hung up.

"He's an adult and unless he's been missing for twenty four hours...I'll call the hospitals...maybe he's been in an accident." Monica said as she walked back to the phone and picked it up. She pressed a button, "can I be connected to Beth Israel Hospital...please...yes...okay...alright, fuck...yes, I'll press one. Yes...okay I'm wondering if you've had any reports of accidents. My fiancee is missing. White male, six feet, brown hair...blue eyes...medium build. Shit, fuck...no, I don't wanna be put on hold-hello-I'm on hold."

Monica kept walking frantically around the apartment as she shoveled Phoebe's birthday cake into her mouth and walked over to the tray to cut herself another piece. It was midnight now. How long had he been missing for? Rachel looked over at Phoebe who sat there looking almost stonefaced.

"Maybe we should look to see if he has drugs," Rachel said.

"I already looked. He doesn't have any here. I think he got better at hiding them," Phoebe said. Rachel's heart dropped. She knew where they were. She knew the drugs were at his office. She should have done something, she should have said something. Then again, what could she have done?

"Pheebs...why can't he be happy? I mean, I don't think he can be. You had shit too and-"

"I don't know," Phoebe said as Ross and Joey walked into the apartment. Ross threw Monica's Porsche keys on the counter as Monica looked at them.

"Did you find him?" Rachel asked. Both Joey and Ross seemed a little stunned to see her there, but said nothing.

"No. No...we drove everywhere. We went to his office, he's not there...we checked hospitals-" Ross said.

"Maybe we should call the cops?" Joey asked.

"Mon did that already. Because he's a grown male and hasn't been missing for twenty four hours yet...there's nothing we can do," Rachel said.

"This is like college all over again. I can't believe he's pulling this crap," Ross muttered.

Monica turned back to the phone, "Well, screw you too," Monica yelled into the phone as she hung up. "He's not at Beth Israel Hospital. Where he is?"

Ross walked towards Monica as she began to cry. Ross hugged her tightly as she grabbed Ross' shirt. Joey walked towards the couch and sat next to Phoebe and put his head in his hands. Phoebe gently rubbed his back. Rachel moved to the other side of Joey, both women began to comfort him. Joey looked over at Rachel, confused.

"I thought you were with Tag?" Joey asked.

"We broke up."

"Hmmmm," Joey said as Rachel and Phoebe continued comforting him. Rachel wondered if she should say something, something about the drugs she had found. Maybe she should have said something.

She wasn't sure how long she had been sitting there, she wasn't quite sure of the passage of time when Chandler suddenly walked into the apartment, clutching his briefcase.

"Hey, guys what's up? What's wrong? Who died?" Chandler asked. He was too cheery, it was too strange. Joey stood up and stepped over her as he walked towards him. She watched as Joey walked towards Chandler and suddenly, punched him the face before walking out of the apartment. That shocked her. Joey had never been violent with Chandler. Sure, she had always assumed Joey had mafia ties and he had given her hints to his past but he had never reacted violently to any of them. Watching this all unfold, Rachel almost felt numb. She couldn't cry about it anymore. She had just broken up with Tag. She wanted to be with her friends. She kept thinking about Brian and she wasn't sure what she should feel but she just felt hollow.

"What the fuck was that about?" Chandler asked, grabbing his nose.

"I'll be right back," Phoebe said, getting up and walking out of the apartment without even looking at Chandler. Monica kept staring at him when she threw the phone at him and it hit his arm. Rachel let out a gasp that no one else seemed to notice.

"Monica," Chandler started.

"No, no...no, no more...no, I can't...I can't do this Chandler. I can't," Monica said as tears began streaming down her face. She proceeded to take off her engagement ring and threw it at him as well. Rachel felt like she was in a bubble. She wanted to speak but she couldn't find the words.

"Monica, listen to me-"

"Where the hell were you?" Monica asked, shaking.

"I was...I was out," he sputtered.

"Fuck you," Monica said as she began to charge towards him, only to feel Ross holding her back.

"Monica, wait..." Chandler said.

"No, no...this is over Chandler. I'm done. I'm not marrying an addict. I'm not...I can't do this. I'm not strong enough to do this. Let go, Ross," Monica said.

"You can't hit him," Ross said.

"I won't...let me go. I can't...I have worked so hard. I have done so much, I cannot do anymore. I've lost fifteen pounds. I can't...you're killing me, Chandler. You're actually killing me. I thought...I thought you were dead. I can't...the wedding is off. I can't do this, I can't," Monica cried as she wrestled free from Ross' grip and stormed into her room, slamming the door shut behind her.

Rachel had never seen Monica this upset and she wasn't sure if she should comfort Monica or comfort Joey. She looked at Ross, who kept staring at Chandler. She felt almost invisible sitting there. Chandler looked disheveled and she was suddenly hit once again by the image of Brian. The last time she had seen him, that fight in the street. She had been so angry and she had no idea she would lose him, maybe she should have had an idea.

"When are you going to grow up?" Ross asked.

"Ross," Chandler said.

"No...no...what the fuck? Joey and I drove around the entire city looking for you. Monica called hospitals, she called the police. Eight hours dude, eight hours you go missing...without a call. Why do you want to die so badly and why are you forcing us to watch you die?" Ross asked, his voice monotone.

He had been gone eight hours? She thought back over her night. Over her day. She had been at work and then went to Tag's apartment. She called Phoebe to tell her the plan. She'd be at Tag's for his birthday and then come home and celebrate Pheebs. Phoebe had been okay with it. She had expected that they'd all be sitting around enjoying themselves when she arrived. Instead, they had looked for Chandler.

"You know what...I'm done too. I can't...I'm gonna go check on Joey and Phoebe," Rachel said as she stood up. She would go check on Joey and Phoebe. It had been a draining night, emotionally draining on every level. She had wanted to be with her friends, not this. After all, she had broken up with a guy.

"Rachel," Chandler said.

"I've had enough. I can't do anymore. I can't...you were wanted here tonight. It's Phoebe's birthday and you were nowhere. I don't care where you were, really. Just that you weren't here. You seem so intent on pushing us all away...for what? I haven't a clue but congratulations, you did. You pushed us away," Rachel said as she walked out, slamming the door shut. As she stood in the hall, she stared at her apartment and collapsed on the steps. She put her head in her hands and began sobbing. This was too much. She shook, wishing she knew what to say, what to do. She wasn't even sure she had said the right thing before after all she had not been at Phoebe's party either but it was different. It was all different. She took a deep breath and tried to compose herself. She slowly stood up and walked into her apartment and walked towards Joey's room where Phoebe and Joey were lying side by side.

"How's his face?" Joey asked.

"It's alright. How are you?" Rachel asked.

"Angry," Joey said.

"Monica threw her engagement ring at him and yelled at him. She said that she's not marrying a drug addict and then she went into her room and closed the door. I came in here to check on you. Ross and Chandler are talking," Rachel said as she walked into the room and sat on the other side of him, "the drugs are in his office. When I got promoted, I went to his office and they're in his drawers and I should have said something. I don't know. I thought maybe there were drugs in his bedroom too. I don't….I don't know. Maybe I made a mistake."

"No, you didn't," Joey said.

"He really wants to kill himself," Rachel said.

The three remained sitting there, silently. Rachel could not stop thinking about Brian. Her mind kept drifting back towards him.

"You broke up with Tag?" Joey asked.

"Yeah. It's not a big deal," Rachel said.

"Hmmm," Joey said. She wasn't sure what to say. "Sorry."

"Are you going to end your friendship with him?" Rachel asked.

"Tag?" Joey asked.

"Chandler," Rachel said.

"I don't think I would be able to do that. It's like Shane. I couldn't end that friendship or maybe I did. I flew to Los Angeles."

"I thought you said he was clean when you moved to L.A.?" Rachel asked.

"i don't know."

Rachel nodded. They were all so worn out. Rachel felt tired. The whole night just felt too much. She wanted peace, wanted everyone to be happy but she felt numb. She could feel her stomach dropping as she leaned against Joey who in turn began to comfort both of them.


	48. Chapter 48

**February 2001-March 2001**

She woke up the next morning, lying next to Joey. Phoebe was gone and Joey was asleep on her shoulder. She gently poked him, but he wouldn't budge. She slowly got up, gently guiding Joey onto his bed and walked out, noticing Ross asleep on the couch. She walked over to Ross and gently shook him. He woke up and looked at her, confused a little as he sat up.

"I didn't want to go home….I slept on your couch. You slept in Joey's room?" Ross asked.

"I fell asleep on his bed. How was it after I left?" Rachel asked.

"Bad. How was Tag's birthday?"

"We broke up and he quit."

"That's a bad birthday."

"Yeah….what do we do now?" Rachel asked.

"I don't know," Ross said.

Rachel rested her head on his shoulder. He gently kissed her head and she reached down for his hand.

"You've been a good friend," Rachel said.

"I can't do this anymore. I give up. I can't….I'm done. I don't have the energy," Ross said.

"I understand," Rachel said.

"Hey, you slept here last night?" Joey asked as he walked out of his room and looked at them. He walked towards them and plopped down next to Rachel.

"Yep. How's your hand?" Ross asked.

"It's fine. Never thought I'd punch Chandler in the face. He's my brother and I-I just-how much more-"

"Guys, you need to hold on," Rachel said, quietly. She knew they were both drained and she was too but they couldn't give up, not yet.

"Rach," Joey said.

"No, you two are his boys. Phoebe and I will take care of Monica, but he needs you two. The drugs are in office. Clean him out or something. I'm not ready to give up on him and….and I know you guys aren't either. Ross, you've known him for thirteen years. You went to college with him and….and you even admitted to me there were fun times and Joe, I know you look at Chandler like he's a brother. I know you both love him. Think of….could you imagine really not having him in our lives? No Chandler jokes? I'd miss those. He does have a heart. Joey, he paid your rent for six years. No one would do that. You would have been kicked out of any other apartment. You know that."

"Yeah, it's true," Joey said.

"And Ross, you've said that you had friends in college because of him. I know we're all tired, but I'm not ready to give up yet. Let's go next door and talk to them. Ross, they've dealt with our drama. It's time to deal with theirs," Rachel said, standing up and turning towards the two boys. She held out her hands and pulled them both up. The three walked across the hall and opened the door as Phoebe was making coffee.

"Good morning," Phoebe said.

"They still in there?" Rachel asked, motioning towards Monica and Chandler's room.

"Yeah and they got back together," Phoebe said.

"Really?" Rachel asked.

"How are you doing, Pheebs?" Ross asked as they sat around the table. Phoebe began to pour them coffee and soon they were all gathered around the table.

"Not good. Tired. Very tired."

"Phoebe, you can't give up either. Come on, none of us can," Rachel said.

"Why not? Why can't we? I don't want to watch him die and he seems really intent on having us watch him... and I refuse. I adore him too much to watch this. I mean, you had Brian and Joey, you had your friend Shane-"

"I didn't know Brian was on anything," Rachel said. "But if I had, I wouldn't have….I don't….Chandler's different than Brian, but I don't want to give up yet. Come on. Pheebs, you've said it yourself that no one makes you laugh harder than him and well…I mean, can you imagine a world where he doesn't make you laugh like that?"

"He needs to get better fast. If he doesn't clean up this time….I just-"

"I know, Pheebs."

Rachel took a sip of her coffee and kept glancing back at the door. She wanted to knock, wanted them to join the rest of them. Joey must have been thinking the same. He got up, walked towards Monica and Chandler's closed door and lifted his fist up before suddenly stopping. He turned back towards the group and walked back to them, this time grinning.

"They're having sex," Joey said.

Rachel and Phoebe looked at him as he took a sip of his coffee. Both girls immediately got up and walked towards the door before turning back and sitting down at the table.

"Make up sex," Phoebe grinned.

"Can we not?" Ross asked.

"What happened last night?" Rachel asked.

"Maybe we should go to your apartment," Ross said, cringing.

"Chandler melted down. I've never seen him cry like that. Mon hadn't either, apparently," Phoebe said.

"Can we please leave?" Ross asked.

"We're not opening the door. Let them make up and don't be such a wutz," Rachel said.

"I'm not….it's just gross," Ross said.

Rachel laughed and shook her head, "Chandler melted down?"

"Yeah...and he was really concerned that Joey no longer wanted to be his friend," Phoebe said, "you'll still be his friend, right Joe?"

"Always."

Rachel smiled as she gently stroked his arm. They continued to drink coffee and talk about what had happened the previous night when soon Chandler and Monica emerged from the bedroom, smiling at them.

"Hello, guys," Monica said.

"We were gonna get you two but we thought you were busy," Phoebe said.

"What were you two doing?" Joey asked. Rachel could not help but laugh a little at Phoebe and Joey who were grinning wildly as Ross just looked disgusted.

"Please don't ask that while I'm here," Ross said.

"Hey, can I talk to you guys," Chandler said as he and Monica walked towards the table. He sat as Monica stood by him, gently comforting him. "I'm...I'm going to an outpatient rehab thing. I have some issues that I-I don't how to fix and I-I need help 'cause I don't know how to do this on my own and...well okay...I didn't stop drinking or doing drugs after Monica and I got engaged. I fell off the wagon over a year ago and I lied to all of you and...I'm really...I'm sorry. I know I've fucked up. I'm gonna go talk to someone and figure out how to be happy."

Rachel, Phoebe, Joey and Ross stared at him as he stared back. She wasn't sure if she should speak, but then Rachel noticed that Chandler slowly began to smile.

"So...anyone wanna grab a drink and celebrate?" Chandler asked, grinning slightly. Monica let out a snort and soon, the rest of the group began laughing as well. Monica smacked him upside the head.

"Really?" Monica asked.

"Too much serious in twenty four hours. I'd rather make you guys laugh," Chandler said.

"You've never done that before, why start now?" Joey asked.

"Funny...hey, can you guys come with me today?" Chandler asked.

"Where?" Ross asked.

"I wanna introduce you to Sophie. I'm not sure how much time she has left, and the one thing she wanted was for me to...for me to have people that would want me. That would be my friends...my family and I wanna show her you guys," Chandler said.

"I liked Sophie. I'll go," Rachel said, although hearing Sophie's name made her heart break. What did Chandler mean that he wasn't sure how much time she had left? Sophie had been her housekeeper as well, sure Sophie had a closer relationship with Chandler but Sophie had worked with the Green Family. Sophie had made her chocolate chip pancakes. What did Chandler mean and why hadn't he told her?

"Thanks...'cause she's kinda of the reason I fell off the wagon. Not her personally but I let her down and she was like my mom growing up and I...I wanna show her all of you. She'll be happy," Chandler said.

"Wait, before we go...Bing...do we need to go to your office?" Ross asked.

"Oh, yeah...that's where you've been hiding the drugs, right?" Joey asked.

"Alright, we can stop at my office and Joey can punch me in the face again," Chandler said.

"No worries man, it was a one time thing," Joey said.

"Are we cool?" Chandler asked.

"Always," Joey said.

"I don't wanna go to Chandler's office," Monica said as she brought two mugs of coffee to the table, handing one to him. "I don't wanna see what's there...I...it's...it'll just make me upset."

"It's alright, Mon. We got it," Joey said.

"Yeah, we'll clean him out," Ross said.

It was an awkward breakfast, everyone was just tired. Monica began making them breakfast as Rachel kept looking over at Chandler.

"What's wrong with Sophie?" Rachel asked.

"She has cancer. She's dying," Chandler said.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Rachel asked.

"I should have….I'm sorry."

"Yeah, you should've."

Rachel said, patting his hand. He looked at her and let out a sigh. Monica soon gave them breakfast and it was awkward but strangely nice. Chandler seemed a little happier, they had endured a storm and hopefully this would be the final one.

After breakfast, the boys went to Chandler's office to get rid of any drugs he had and the three girls continued to eat and drink coffee. Monica decided to cut herself a very large slice of Phoebe's cake and plopped herself on the couch with a fork. Rachel and Phoebe soon joined her.

"Well, I didn't say it but thanks again for a fabulous birthday last night," Phoebe said which made Monica and Rachel laugh a little.

"Anytime. Mine is next….so, I'm thinking we all just go jump off bridges," Monica said.

"I'm in," Rachel said."How are you doing?"

"I'm okay….actually, I'm okay."

"You're making him do the rehab thing?" Phoebe asked.

"No. He made the call. He woke me up and wanted Richard's number because Richard had given him the number of someone back when Richard and I were dating and Chandler didn't use it but he called and Richard gave him the number and then Chandler made the call. I didn't tell him to do a thing. This was all him. I think he's gonna be okay. I think he gets it," Monica said.

"Oh, I hope he does," Phoebe said.

"He's gonna go through the withdrawals again. I hate that."

"Me too...but I don't know, something felt different today. I think he really got scared last night," Monica said.

"That was terrifying. I've never seen him break down like that," Phoebe said.

"Joey punched him in the face," Rachel said. "He really punched him."

"That scared him too….that and I was going to call off the wedding," Monica said. "I know it will be difficult but I do love that guy."

"Yeah, me too," Rachel said.

"Same here," Phoebe said as Monica continued to feast on her cake.

"Rach, I forgot to ask. How was Tag?" Monica asked.

"It's over. I'm fine. We can obsess over your wedding, instead," Rachel said.

"I like that idea," Monica said and the conversation soon turned to the wedding. It was a much happier conversation, although that happiness soon faded as the group went to join Chandler at the hospital to see Sophie. Sophie looked so fragile. Rachel couldn't remember the last time she had seen Sophie but she remembered how Sophie had wanted Rachel to do fashion, she remembered how sweet she was.

"Chandler," Sophie said.

"I-I brought my friends. See, okay...Monica you know and...well, here's everyone. Rachel Green, you worked for her parents and-and Phoebe and Joey and Ross...and they're gonna be at my wedding...to well...Monica,"

"Wow...I'm very happy for you. I remember you, Rachel," Sophie said.

"Yeah...you did parties for my family," Rachel said and there was more, there was a lot more. She remembered how Sophie had encouraged her. She wished she had brought her drawings, her fashions.

"And she said you were the nicest. I said that was wrong," Chandler said. "But...when you come to the wedding-"

"Chandler," Sophie said.

"No, you'll beat this," Chandler said.

"I don't know," Sophie said.

"Please," Chandler said as Monica grabbed Chandler's hand.

"Rachel, are you designing clothes?" Sophie asked, staring at her. She was a little shocked Sophie remembered that.

"Well, sometimes but I am working in fashion. I'm working at Ralph Lauren," Rachel said.

"And your sisters?" Sophie asked.

"Well….I don't know. They're around," Rachel said which made Sophie laugh.

"Rachel, can you do me a favor?" Sophie asked.

"Of course," Rachel said.

"Can you design me something?" Sophie asked. Rachel nodded as she stared at her old housekeeper. This was rough, she felt herself starting to cry as Ross comforted her. She held onto Ross as well.

Watching Chandler go through withdrawals was tough and he seemed sicker than he had in the past. She watched as Monica took care of Chandler, watching him closely and not quite sleeping. She also watched as Ross did the same and once again, she was racked with guilt. They had done this three times. She thought back to that first time, she really should have been there. She should have helped.

"I should have been there," Rachel complained to Ross over what was becoming their typical date night. Chandler had survived the withdrawals and now they were having their signature Mexican food and margarita dinner.

"It's okay."

"Really?"

"Yeah and I think this time he'll be okay."

"How do you know?" Rachel asked.

"He finally got scared."

"I guess. He's going to go to an AA Meeting."

"He is."

"You're a good friend Ross."

"Thanks and I never got to ask how you were doing...after breaking up with your boytoy."

"Tag really quit and it hurt a little bit and now I have to hire someone who is qualified and tomorrow I'm having lunch with Chandler to ask questions because clearly I didn't do a good job."

"No, you did a great job….had you been working in a brothel."

Rachel glared at him as he laughed at her. She did miss Tag. She missed watching him do sit ups at his desk, missed watching him pick up things. He was just so hot, although she knew she had done the right thing.

Her lunch with Chandler involved her asking questions about how to interview people. Chandler kept calling Monica which she found sweet. She also liked that he was getting back to his normal self, mocking her throughout the entire lunch for hiring a sexy assistant. She realized that he had not mocked her about it the entire time she had been with Tag and it made her cry. He really had disappeared.

"You alright? You miss sexy man?" Chandler asked, taking a bite of his pizza.

"No. I missed you. You really weren't there. I mean, I dated or fawned over Tag for four months. You never made one joke at my expense. You weren't…..it's….you were gone."

"I'm here now."

"Are you gonna be sober now?" Rachel asked.

"Yeah and I'm sorry I wasted four months on not making fun of you."

"It's okay, don't let it happen it again," Rachel said.

"And I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Sophie."

"Yeah, I liked her too….I know she was closer to your family, but still."

"I know. So okay….next time you hire an assistant, it's good for them to be of legal age."

Rachel laughed as she happily let Chandler mock her for Tag. She liked that, she liked seeing him happy again. He seemed to have that sarcastic sparkle back and she agreed with Ross. It was going to be okay now.


	49. Chapter 49

**March 2001-May 2001**

It was. Chandler was going to meetings and getting better and better. Everything just seemed happier, which she loved. She was starting to get excited about the wedding. It was now March and Rachel was in her room looking up places to have a bridal shower for Monica. She had happily let Phoebe plan the bachelorette party and she would plan the bridal shower, of course letting Phoebe plan the bachelorette party meant fielding a lot of calls from Phoebe with crazy ideas. The most recent being that the bachelorette party should take place in a nudist colony.

"It's not going to happen, ever," Rachel said as she was talking to Phoebe.

"Come on, it'll be fun and we don't have to worry about strippers because the naked men will already be there."

"No, Pheebs. Remember who this is for."

"Okay, fine….a tea party with a cake."

"Okay."

"And a naked man jumps out of the cake," Phoebe said.

"Phoebe."

"We need to have a naked man."

"Why?" Rachel asked before hearing the call waiting click. She clicked over and was a little shocked to hear Chandler. He was at the hospital visiting Sophie and he had called. Her heart dropped a little as she realized he was asking for help. She immediately hung up with Phoebe and took a cab to the hospital. When she reached him, she walked over to Chandler and hugged him without saying a word. She led him to the cab and got in. Rachel directed the driver to a diner close to the hospital and soon they were sitting across from each other, eating greasy cheeseburgers and drinking sodas.

"This is almost as good as a beer," Chandler groaned as he took a bite. Rachel smiled.

"I bet. Thanks for calling me."

"Monica's at work...and besides, you knew Sophie," Chandler said.

"She's not doing well, is she?" Rachel asked.

"No. I don't think she's gonna make it to the wedding."

That killed her a little. She had wanted to do something, make something for her.

"G-d, she loved you. Whenever she'd cater for us...she'd talk with my mom and she talk about this family she worked for that had this adorable little boy. She said you were sweet...after she brought you to our New Years party, I remember hearing her thank my parents for letting you come and that you needed to be around other kids 'cause you were an only child. I remember saying I thought you were weird and she said, no...you weren't weird. Oh...and she catered my Sweet Sixteen and I remember she heard Mindy and I talking about Monica and we were being mean and Sophie pulled me aside and said that there are certain friends that matter and certain friends that don't and Monica matters. That's why I always say, Monica is the only kind of friend that matters...well, Monica and Phoebe. The only kinds of friends that matter...like Joey and Ross in your case."

"Yeah. Sophie told me to stay away from drugs. I let her down."

"But you got off them."

"I guess...it's just...I'm weak. Everyone else can drink. I can't. It's-"

"You're not weak. You're pretty strong," Rachel said, feeling bad for him. She liked that he was confiding in her.

"I don't know."

"And you know, I was thinking...I have to apologize to you," Rachel said.

"For what?"

"Well, I used to call you an alcoholic loser-"

"Yeah, you did. Guess you were right."

"Awww, well...I apologize for calling you that. I only called you an alcoholic to be mean, not because I actually thought you were one...so knowing that you are one, it was kinda crappy for me to say that. Same with calling you a loser, that was also just to be mean...you're not a loser."

"Not even now?"

"No...not at all. I'm pretty impressed by you, by the way. You're working hard."

"Thank you. G-d, we really were awful to each other back then, weren't we?"

"Yeah. I'm so glad we're friends now. I love you to pieces," Rachel said.

"Same here. I'm gonna be thirty two," Chandler mused.

"That you are."

"I feel fifty."

"You kinda look it," Rachel said.

"Thanks, Rach."

"What? We can still tease each other a little bit. I have an idea, though. Okay, next week...before we get our nails done, come with me to pilates," Rachel said. Chandler rolled his eyes.

"No, why can't you get Phoebe and Monica to do this?"

"Because...you're my gossip buddy and you owe me."

"I owe you nothing."

"Please. You put peanut butter on my car two weeks after I had an...abortion," Rachel said.

"You forgave me because how would I have known. You can't hold that over my head forever."

"Yes, I can...and you said I was dead inside and you wanted me to run off cliff."

"Not gonna lie, still kinda do," Chandler grinned.

"Chandler," Rachel whined.

"Alright, alright...I'll go with you to pilates."

"Good boy. You're doing good, Bing. Don't mess it up."

"I'm trying," Chandler said as he took a bite of his burger.

"Have you told your parents?" Rachel asked.

"About what?" Chandler asked, shaking his head.

"About this? About the drugs...and the alcohol."

"No, of course not...no."

"You should tell them."

"Why?" Chandler asked.

"'Cause they're still your parents and they will care. You know Phoebe was telling me about how when we went to Vegas, she and Joey visited your dad and saw his show and he seemed really hurt that you didn't visit."

"He hasn't-"

"They're still your parents. Isn't part of moving on accepting where you've come from? Like it or not...they're still your mom and dad. They still should know."

Although for the first time it dawned on her, Chandler's parents. Norma was fine but it was Helena she was worried about. Would Helena reveal their encounter? Would Helena say something? That thought terrified her.

Rachel had not seen Melissa in years. Melissa had completely vanished soon after Rachel ran out on Barry. She had liked Melissa. Melissa had been one of the few that actually really stood by Rachel. They had had some amazing memories, especially that one. The luau where she had kissed Melissa. One of her crazy college nights that Phoebe did not believe happened.

"It happened," Rachel stressed to Phoebe over a girls night with Monica. The three girls were taking a break from wedding plan to just discuss each other. Rachel had also invited Melissa to join them. She kinda wanted Melissa to meet Phoebe and Monica.

"I don't buy it. I'm sorry, I just don't," Phoebe said.

"Why are you so convinced it didn't happen?" Rachel asked.

"Because you're not that crazy," Phoebe said.

"She's pretty crazy," Monica grinned, taking a sip of her wine.

"I got drunk and married in Vegas," Rachel said.

"To Ross," Phoebe said.

"I got high and skinny dipped with Barry in Amsterdam and we had threesome at a brothel in the Red Light District," Rachel said.

"I didn't know that," Monica said.

"It's Amsterdam."

Rachel opened her mouth and looked at both Monica and Phoebe. She had the card to trump all, she could shut up Phoebe immediately. Although she wasn't sure how much she wanted Monica to know, considering who Monica was marrying but as it was getting closer to the wedding, Rachel wasn't quite sure how much longer the secret could go on.

"I slept with Chandler's dad on my twenty first birthday," Rachel said matter-of-factly and waited for their reactions. Monica practically choked on her wine and Phoebe just stared at her.

"Excuse me?" Phoebe asked.

"It was Vegas."

"You hooked up with my future father in law?" Monica asked.

"Yep. I was really drunk and I was…..I was really drunk."

"I so- really-" Phoebe sputtered out.

"Rach?" Melissa asked, appearing next to her and holding a drink. Rachel smiled as she stood up and hugged her. She introduced Melissa to Monica and Phoebe and was quite excited to introduce the two of them to a part of her life before she was back in the group. "So what did I miss?"

"I was telling Phoebe and Monica about Vegas. My twenty first in Vegas?" Rachel asked. "When I did…."

"When you hooked up with the drag queen?" Melissa asked. Rachel grinned, nodding.

"That drag queen is my father-in-law….or will be," Monica said.

"What?" Melissa asked.

"Okay, well remember I said that Helena was the father of a guy I hated?" Rachel asked.

"Yeah," Melissa said.

"Well, that guy is now one of my best friends and Monica is getting married to him," Rachel said.

"Oh my G-d. You were insane in college," Melissa said.

"I know. I keep telling them but they don't believe me. I even told them about the luau when we….well…"

"Oh, that was a fun night."

"We were so wasted."

"I know."

"I think I now have renewed respect for you," Phoebe said.

"Thanks," Rachel said. "And okay, Monica and Phoebe….you cannot tell Chandler about me and Helena Handbasket."

"I'm marrying Chandler and you're going to see Helena at the wedding. After lunch today with his mom, he called his dad to talk to him and….you're gonna see him. Probably soon," Monica said.

"I know, but….you guys cannot say a word," Rachel said.

"I won't….'cause you know Chandler will kill you," Monica said.

"I know," Rachel said.

"Aren't you worried Helena might say something?" Phoebe asked.

"I hope not. I don't know. I just-but see I am crazy….and Melissa and I kissed," Rachel said.

"We made out," Melissa said.

"We did," Rachel said.

"So how have you been, Rachel Green?" Melissa asked, looking at her. Rachel smiled, she kinda missed Melissa.

"Good, I'm working in fashion and….I'm good. I don't talk to any of those girls anymore."

"Me neither," Melissa said.

"You disappeared," Rachel said.

"After I heard about those messages that they left on your machine after you ran out on Barry...I didn't want to be part of that group and I'm sorry I didn't say anything," Melissa said.

"Those messages were pretty bad," Monica said.

"Monica heard them. It was humiliating. Hurtful. I didn't hear from any of you and….I'm so happy now but it hurt and you know, that luau? It was the first time I had solid proof that Mindy and Barry were hooking up. I was walking after we kissed and I saw them making out in Barry's car and that Vegas trip when Barry and Mindy and the rest of them went to see Barry Manilow while we all went to go see Helena Handbasket? Mindy has since told me they hooked up. Mindy also wanted me as her maid of honor," Rachel said.

"That's weird," Melissa said.

"I thought so….but they're divorced now," Rachel said.

"I'm sorry, Rach," Melissa said.

"Me too," Rachel said as they the two shared a hug.

"Awww, kiss and make up why don't you?" Phoebe joked. Rachel glared at her.

"Anyway….but I'm far happier now. Mon and Pheebs are like sisters," Rachel said.

"Although, now that I know about all this fun you had in college….it makes me sad," Monica said.

"Why?" Rachel asked.

"Because after you dumped me as your friend, I was quite happy believing that you were just wandering around miserable and alone. Clearly, I was wrong," Monica teased.

"Well, it would have been more fun with you…..although, no, it would have been more fun with Pheebs," Rachel grinned.

"I can be crazy. Just in an orderly fashion, Monica argued which made Rachel laugh. Sitting there with Melissa, Phoebe and Monica, Rachel was amazed at how everything turned out. She loved sitting there, drinking, laughing and catching up on old times. It was just fun.

Of course that fun was quickly shattered as she knew it would with the arrival of Helena Handbasket. A few nights later, the group was sitting in Monica and Chandler's apartment when Chandler returned from an AA Meeting with his dad. Her heart dropped at the sight of Charles Bing. That night came rushing back and the grinning looks from Phoebe, Monica and Ross didn't help. Ross especially who was not subtle as he kept whispering things to her to rile her up.

"It's your ex," Ross whispered.

"Shut up," she shot back as Ross laughed. When Chandler had introduced Charles to her, Charles just grinned and said nothing which she was thankful for but the rest of them. Actually, just Ross. Ross could not stop himself with the teasing.

"I thought you were going to stop pretending you didn't know the Bings," Ross teased, referring of course to the many times when she would meet Chandler before they were friends and just pretend not to know him.

"I am going to kill you," Rachel said.

"This is the best night ever," Ross said as he walked towards the couch with Rachel following him. Phoebe was reliving her wedding to Duncan that Charles had apparently officiated dressed as Helena Handbasket. As Phoebe was talking, Charles kept glancing over at Rachel. She felt so uncomfortable with every glance he gave her. She wondered if he remembered.

"It was a very fun wedding," Phoebe grinned.

"It was but honey, no more fake gay men for you," Helena grinned.

"Didn't Rachel also see you in Vegas once?" Ross asked. Rachel's eyes widened as she glared at him. He was beaming. It took every urge she had to not to punch him in the face.

"What?" Chandler asked.

"I-on my twenty first birthday, my friends and I went to Vegas and we saw your show, Helena," Rachel said.

"Oh, yeah…..did you enjoy it?" Helena asked.

"I did."

Helena simply smiled and turned back to Phoebe. She breathed a huge sigh of relief and looked over at Ross who was still grinning.

"You're the worst person ever," Rachel said.

"What? We're sharing memories," Ross said.

Rachel glared at him. She would kill him. Throughout the remainder of the evening though, she kept noticing Chandler staring at her, curiously. After Helena/Charles left, Rachel hoped she survived the evening but as soon as the door slammed shut, Chandler stared at her.

"What happened between you and my father?" Chandler asked.

"Nothing," Rachel said.

"Rachel," Chandler said walking towards the couch and sitting down. All eyes were on her. She looked at Monica, Phoebe and Ross who were all grinning at her. She had done so well at keeping this secret. She should have carried it with her.

"You have to tell him," Monica said.

"What?" Chandler asked.

"Why do I have to tell him?" Rachel asked.

"Because you can no longer keep this a secret," Monica said.

"Okay, but you cannot drink. You have been doing so well and if you drink...you can't and-" Rachel said.

"What happened?" Chandler asked.

Rachel let out a sigh as she got up and walked towards him, sitting next to him on the couch.

"I was twenty one and we went to Vegas. A bunch of us and I-I really wanted to see a drag show and I went….it was about sixteen of us and we saw Viva Las Gaygas and um….well, after Helena invited us to an afterparty and half the group, including Barry, went to go see Barry Manilow instead and then I went with the other half to the after party and I didn't know it was your dad. How would I have known? At the time, I still pretended I didn't know you….well, we got really, really wasted and one thing led to another and from the neck down….Helena is still Charles and in the light of day, it dawned on me. He had mentioned having a son the night before but it didn't click until I noticed who he looked like and….I never thought I'd see you or Monica again and…..I...I am so sorry," Rachel said as Chandler just stared at her. His face blank. She kept staring at him, waiting for him to say something.

"I wanna watch the Hot Dog movie," Chandler said suddenly.

"What?" Rachel asked.

"Monica can you make slow death smoothies for Joey, Phoebe, Ross and yourself….and then get some Red Bull for Rachel and I? Rach and I are going to be watching this a lot tonight," Chandler said.

"What?" Rachel asked.

"What other movies do you hate?" Chandler asked.

"Die Hard, make her watch Die Hard….and porn," Joey said.

"Joey," Rachel admonished.

"I'll make the drinks," Monica said.

"Monica," Rachel said.

"I'll be right back. Joe, come with me and help me pick….Ross, you too," Chandler said as he got up and walked towards the guest room. Joey and Ross followed him. Rachel was annoyed as they got all sorts of movies that she hated. Monica handed both her and Chandler Red Bulls as they all got ready to watch. She let out an annoyed groan as Chandler put his arm around her.

"This will be fun," Chandler said.

"I hate you," Rachel grumbled.

"Let's watch," Chandler said.

Rachel smiled as Chandler opened her Red Bull for her and handed it back to her. She drank as they continued watching. She was annoyed but she was actually more annoyed by Ross. She was actually a little angry at Ross. She really had wanted to keep it from Chandler. She wanted him not to know. Especially after everything they had gone through with him and now that was ruined.

After getting home from work a few days later, she was a little shocked to see Ross sitting there talking while drinking wine. It was a little strange and she wondered if he was talking to himself, he said no but she didn't really care. She was still upset. Rachel poured herself a glass of wine and sat on the couch, looking at him.

"You're upset with me, aren't you?" Ross asked as they sat across from each other on her couch.

"How do you know?"

"I had a feeling."

"I really did not want Chandler knowing that. I really didn't. It was embarrassing and at the time I was mortified and now that I'm friends with him, I'm even more mortified."

"I'm sorry, Rach."

"See, this is why I don't think we'd be good together. You don't care about my feelings."

"Wait, a minute that is not true."

"Yes it is. I did not want….after everything Chandler and I have been through and….I just really don't want him knowing that. I was wasted and I cheated on Barry and I-we went to Italy after, all of us and Barry didn't even wanna talk about it but everyone knew. I looked like like a slut."

"I do care about your feelings."

"Then you wouldn't have told. You never care what I think Ross. You even pretended we were still married even though I said no to our drunken marriage. You act like what you feel and think is so much more important and I don't get that and….okay, even….Chandler has been sober now for two, three months. Think of him. How did you think he was going to react? I slept with his father."

"You flew to London to break up my marriage so don't talk about not caring what other people think. You dropped us all without a second thought and then came back and expected everyone to be your friend again."

"I did not," Rachel said, feeling angry, "and you know what, you've changed. I mean, you have gotten so arrogant."

"Really? Well, you're still pretty self absorbed. You saw pills in his office."

"And I told you about them and you said you didn't care."

"I did not and you know what, you keep talking about fashion and your career…..you almost sabotaged your career by sleeping with your assistant. How much does it mean to you?"

"You got fired because you lost your shit over a sandwich," Rachel argued.

"It was a sabbatical and it was a good sandwich. You know what, I'm going," Ross said, standing up, as did she. They were both angry now and she wanted to continue the fight. She wanted to yell, get it all out into the open. She was angry.

"Fine, walk away and you know I'm right. You are…..you should not have said a word to him. How could you? And then to say anything about my career, you don't give a shit about my career, Ross. That's pretty well established. As long as I'm struggling then you'll love me and want to be with me but if-"

Suddenly, Ross walked over to her and kissed her. She was taken aback by him kissing her. He wasn't supposed to be kissing her. She was angry.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Rachel asked.

"Don't you dare say that I will only care about you if you're struggling or that I don't care about your career or you…..no one is a bigger fan of yours than I am," Ross said, glaring at her. She glared back at him and kissed him back. They fell back onto the couch and continued to kiss, the clothes being torn off and thrown to the ground. She wasn't sure where the others were but she didn't care. All she wanted in that moment, the only person she wanted was Ross and it seemed quite obvious that the feeling was mutual.

The night before the wedding, she felt sick as she stared at the pregnancy test. Her stomach was in knots as she stared at the plus sign. She was now pregnant….pregnant with Ross' child.


	50. Chapter 50

**May 2001**

She kept staring at that damn pregnancy test. This could not be happening. She could not be pregnant. She had already been pregnant and had an abortion. Could she have another one? No, no, she couldn't have two and she was older now. She was thirty-one and a thirty-one-year-old getting pregnant was very different than a sixteen-year-old getting pregnant. She couldn't get an abortion. She had the money to raise a child, but there was was Ross. Telling Ross. She couldn't tell him. She had to tell him, but she couldn't imagine how that conversation would start. She had never told Chip about being pregnant, but this was different. It was very different.

Of course, leave it to Chandler to take her mind off everything. As she worried about her pregnancy, Chandler decided to vanish the night before the wedding. He disappeared and Ross had to go run after him and Phoebe and Rachel kept Monica occupied which wasn't too hard, Monica was so excited, so thrilled that she decided to go to bed early to be fully ready. Phoebe and Rachel sat on the couch and had wine, well, only Phoebe had wine. Rachel poured herself a glass but didn't drink and Phoebe didn't seem to notice. She was too upset with Chandler.

"Is he really that stupid? We just spent the last three months making sure he didn't die and he runs off before the wedding? Seriously? Why do we keep putting up with his crap?" Phoebe asked.

"I don't know."

"Are you okay, Rach?"

"Yeah...I'm fine. Just annoyed. I'm just...you know, he's-"

"What is wrong with him?"

"I don't know."

"Alright, I have to pee. Drink your wine," Phoebe said, nodding towards Rachel's glass. Rachel picked it up and brought it to her lips as she watched Phoebe disappear into the restroom. As the door closed, Rachel quickly walked towards the kitchen sink and poured out some of her wine. She let out a sigh as she placed her hand over her stomach. She had been sixteen the first time. She had peed on the stick, stared at it and told no one. The abortion had hurt and Amy had brought her to the clinic. It was one of the few times she had ever felt close to her big sister. This wasn't supposed to happen now.

"Oh my G-d," Phoebe said, as she walked out of the bathroom carrying the pregnancy test in her hand, the one Rachel had thrown out in Monica's trash. What was Phoebe doing in Monica and Chandler's trash? "Monica's pregnant."

Rachel opened her mouth, almost tempted to tell the truth, but she couldn't, "oh my G-d."

"So I guess she won't be completely alone."

"Yeah."

"Monica is pregnant?" Phoebe asked.

"Guess so, but we shouldn't tell Mon. She hasn't said anything yet, obviously so….we shouldn't…."

"Yeah, you're right….but we gotta find Chandler."

"Quickly," Rachel said, placing her hand on her stomach. Phoebe began talking again but Rachel wasn't listening. Her mind felt like fuzz. She needed to get out of there. It was late, but she needed to get out. She needed to go find someone, talk to someone and for some reason, only one name popped into her head. She hadn't talked to him since his failed date with Monica but she needed him desperately at that moment.

"You know, Pheebs I'm gonna go look for Chandler too."

"Now?"

"Yeah, you stay with Monica ….I'll be back," Rachel said, grabbing her coat and walking out before Phoebe could say anything to her. She practically ran down all those flights of stairs and hailed a cab to the train station and took it to Long Island. She wasn't sure what the hell she was doing and maybe she was out of her mind, after all, it was after ten at night. Once in Long Island, she took a cab to the movie theater she knew Chip was still working at. Maybe he would be there and shockingly enough, he was. He was working at the concession stand. She bought a ticket for a movie she had no intention of seeing and walked up to him. He looked equally stunned to see her.

"Rachel Green?" Chip asked, stunned and suddenly she broke.

"I don't know why I'm here. I don't even live here anymore. I live in the city and my best friends are getting married tomorrow. Monica Geller? She's getting married...at least I hope so, we can't find the groom. The groom is the guy who put peanut butter on my car in eleventh grade and I don't know why the hell I'm here," Rachel said, through tears. She was sobbing as Chip immediately grabbed a couple bags of M&amp;M's and walked towards her, hugging her.

"Come on," Chip said, placing his arm around her as he walked her towards an empty theater. They walked inside and sat in some of the seats. He handed her a bag of candy which she happily took.

"I'm pregnant, Chip," Rachel said staring at the blank screen. "Ross Geller is the father."

"Score for Geek Geller."

"Don't call him that."

"Sorry, are you going to keep this one?" Chip asked. Rachel looked at him and cocked her head to the side.

"Excuse me?"

"Come on."

"You knew?" Rachel asked as Chip gave her a knowing look.

"Rachel, everyone knew. It was the worst kept secret ever. You tried to keep it a secret and I applaud you for that, but everyone knew."

"If you knew I was pregnant with your kid and you knew I had an abortion, why didn't you ever say anything?"

"I did. You lied and said you weren't pregnant and you didn't have an abortion," Chip said. That filled Rachel with guilt. She should have come clean with him at the time, but she was just too embarrassed.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. But come on, you and me as parents…."

"Hey, I may not have been a good boyfriend to you, but it doesn't mean I didn't love you."

"I loved you too, Chip. G-d, this is so fucked up. You know, Ross and I dated and we broke up because he cheated on me. It's okay, we've remained close. We also got drunk and married in Vegas and then divorced. Now, we're having a child."

"Who would have thought Geek Geller would have turned into such a stud?" Chip asked, clearly joking but Rachel isn't in the mood.

"Stop calling him that, you're a thirty-one-year-old male who lives at home and has been working in a movie theater for fifteen years," Rachel said, angrily.

"Hey, I like my job…..and you came to me."

"I'm sorry," Rachel said, letting out a sigh. He was right. "It's good that you like your job."

"I do and just because I've been here for fifteen years, doesn't mean I have the same job title. Currently, I manage five different movie theaters on Long Island and work in corporate a few times a week. I'm doing okay, Rach."

"Nice."

And I've moved out of my parents house and I'm dating a woman I like a lot. Her name is Sarah."

"Oh, I'm glad. Why am I here?" Rachel asked.

"Friendship?"

"I guess….man, we used to make out a lot in these theaters. By the way, the house that we had sex in….where I got pregnant? It was my friend, Joey's house."

"That's weird. Rachel, do you like Ross Geller?"

"Of course."

"Do you really like him? Just from what you've said, you both keep coming back to each other. Dating, marriage, having a kid….you don't really do that with people you hate. But what do I know, I'm just a lowly movie theater worker."

Rachel smiled at Chip and gently patted his hand. Sitting with Chip, she felt comfortable as if she had fallen into her comfort zone. For as dramatic as their relationship had been, she had loved Chip. He had been her closest friend at one point.

"No, no….you're right. You do have a point and I just gave you the short version of our history."

"Have you told him?" Chip asked.

"Nope and I have a wedding to attend tomorrow….for his sister. At least I hope so."

"You have to tell him. Quickly."

"I know. I will."

"'Cause Rach, nothing is worse than hearing it through rumors. Nancy and Sharon and everyone would come up to me and tell me they thought you were pregnant and I was waiting for you to come clean and then they said you had an abortion….and I remember how upset you were about your car and how you punched a dude in the face-"

"I'll probably see that guy tomorrow too. He went to high school with the groom."

"Yeah..and I remember everything about that night and how I asked you point blank if you had been pregnant and had an abortion. You said no. That really hurt that you didn't think enough of me to let me in. Yes, I cheated on you a lot and I'm sorry but I think what you did, by not telling me anything...yeah, that was pretty shitty too."

"I'm sorry, Chip. You're right. You're completely right. I'm so sorry I lied to you. I should have told you. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Everyone thought I was a slut anyway."

"Who gives a shit what people think? I've been working in the same company for fifteen years, I'm not leaving. It's an amazing job. I don't care what other people think. Do you really still care?"

"No. I mean, I'm having a child with Geek Geller," Rachel grinned.

"Exactly. You have to tell him before he starts hearing it through others."

Rachel smiled as she nodded. She leaned into give Chip a kiss on the cheek and he smiled back at her.

"Very good advice, Chip."

"Thank you. But we can't hook up. I'm dating someone."

"Shut up…..wait, so you found someone worth being faithful to?"

"Yes, I did. Hey, wait," Chip said which made Rachel laugh a little. She grinned and shook her head. She remained seated there with Chip and finished her bag of candy before hugging him goodbye. She needed that moment with Chip, that breakdown and connection to her past. She had to tell Ross, she had to let him know, but when? There was no time. They still had to find Chandler.

The next morning, Phoebe had left with Ross to go continue looking for Chandler while Rachel tried to keep Monica occupied. Rachel sat, drinking coffee and staring off into space, thinking of her conversation with Chip, thinking about her being pregnant. She felt so tired and she wanted to sleep for awhile, but that wasn't possible. Her thoughts were interrupted by Monica practically skipping out of her room.

"Today is my day...yay," Monica said, practically skipping across the room.

"Yeah."

"Okay, so you'll do my make-up?" Monica asked.

"Sure."

"Where's Phoebe?"

"Oh...um...she had to do...do something...she'll be back," Rachel said.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, let's chat."

"Seriously? Look at my list….no time to chat," Monica said walking over to her and putting the list down in front of Rachel. Rachel could not help but smile at Monica's super long list.

"Right."

"Alright, I'm gonna shower...and then...oh, Rachel...I can't even...I have been waiting for this day for so long."

"Are you sure you don't wanna talk? I mean, what's new?"

"You sure you're okay, Rach?" Monica asked.

"Totally."

"I'm gonna go shower," Monica said as she walked, practically floated towards the bathroom to get ready. When Monica shut the door, Rachel reached for the phone. She picked up and stared at it and dialed.

"Amy, it's me," Rachel said, walking towards the couch and plopping herself down. Much like Chip, she wasn't sure why she was calling her sister.

"I can't talk long. I have to go get my hair done."

"I'm pregnant again," she said rather matter of fact.

"Whoa…um, congrats? You are fertile," Amy said.

"Apparently," Rachel said, looking at the bathroom door. "Please don't tell anyone."

"I didn't the first time."

"I know. Maybe that's why I'm calling you again."

"Well, you don't need my permission to get another abortion. You're over eighteen."

"I'm keeping this one."

"Really?"

"Yes. I can't have another abortion and I'm thirty-one, not sixteen and I can….I can do it."

"Who's the father? Can you narrow it down?" Amy asked.

"Oh my G-d, why did I call you?" Rachel asked, letting out a groan. Between Chip and Amy, she was now convinced that pregnancy was making her dumb.

"I'm helping. We all know your number is high."

"It's not that high and it's one guy. Ross."

"Geek Geller."

"Stop calling him that," Rachel said. "But yeah….it's Ross."

"Have you told him?" Amy asked.

"No, he's been busy," Rachel said, "Monica's getting married today and we can't find the groom."

"Well, that's gonna be a fun wedding."

"I shouldn't have called you," Rachel said.

"No, no. I'm glad you did. You have to tell him."

"I know."

"And if you get-"

"I'm not. I can't. No. Not a second time. I can't justify it. I can't say I'm sixteen and dumb and scared that dad will yell at me."

"Dad is still gonna yell at you."

"Oh, I know...but I live farther away and don't see him as often."

"Okay, well...you know where I live and if you need me, come over."

"Thanks," Rachel said as they hung up and stared at the phone, she needed to tell Monica. Maybe they could drown their sorrows in Twinkies. She could tell Monica about the pregnancy, they could talk badly about Chandler. She just needed Monica.

"How does my hair look?" Monica asked as she walked out of the bathroom. Her raven hair tumbled in waves down her back. She looked stunning.

"Perfect...Mon, we have to talk," Rachel said.

"What?"

"Um….well...okay…"

"Okay, Rachel what is going on? You are starting to worry me?" Monica asked.

"We can't find-" Rachel began just as Phoebe walked in.

"Find what?" Monica asked.

"Chandler's vest. But we found Chandler's vest, but we have to keep an eye on Chandler's vest, but we found the vest," Phoebe said.

"Are you sure everything is okay?" Monica asked.

"Perfect," Rachel said.

"Okay," Monica said as she slowly walked back towards her bedroom and closed the door behind her. Rachel turned to look at Phoebe.

"Were you going to tell?" Phoebe asked.

"No. No….I'm gonna go back to my place and get dressed."

"Are you alright, Rach?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Rachel said as she walked back into her apartment to start getting ready for the wedding. She packed a bag filled with makeup and stuff and she made sure her dress was perfect. At least something would go right today, she would focus on Monica and Chandler and watch them get married. As she was putting together the stuff she needed for the wedding, she grabbed her box of memories from under her bed and opened it. She pulled out two items, the friendship bracelet that Chandler had given her at camp and the MASH game she had played with Monica back in high school. She really had not been sure why she kept those items in the beginning. She only kept things she had a feeling she needed to keep and for some reason, she had kept those items. She was so thrilled she had.

That friendship bracelet. Monica had made it for her but had given it to Chandler who gave it to her at camp. Chandler had made that camp experience fun, she thought he was funny and dorky and she liked him. The MASH game was also amazing. On that game, Monica had listed five possible husbands for herself and one of them was Chandler and she had gotten him. Rachel would push aside the pregnancy for now. She wanted to concentrate on the marriage between two people whom she adored.

Ross walked both her and Phoebe down the aisle and as they reached the front, Rachel couldn't help but smile when she noticed Ross and Chandler do their "lame cool guy handshake" before Ross stepped behind Chandler. The boys had made up their own handshake which Rachel had always found kinda sweet. The girls had their moments, their things that only belonged to the three of them and the boys had stuff that just belonged to them. It reminded her once again of how close the six were and made her heart just burst. Chandler and Ross both looked so handsome. Joey was running late from his movie set and she hoped he'd get there soon because it would not be the same without him.

Then as if on cue, Joey raced up the aisle and relieved the Greek Orthodox minister Rachel has tracked down earlier to fill in for Joey just in case and then as if on cue, he spilled the beans. He blurted out that Chandler had run out before the wedding. Phoebe and Rachel exchanged looks and Monica looked back at them.

"He what?" She mouthed to Phoebe and Rachel. Rachel motioned for Monica to continue. Rachel listened intently as Monica continued her vows, "Chandler, for so long I wondered if I would ever find my prince. I wondered when it would be my turn. I met you in 1987 and since then I knew, somehow knew that my prince was also my best friend. For so long, I tried to ignore it, deny it but three years ago, I could no longer run and when I stopped, I realized that everything I had ever wanted had been right there the whole time. You have been what I have been looking for. My soul mate, my prince, my favorite jokester….my best friend and as we go forward into the future, I know we will be able to conquer anything that arises. We have conquered so much already and we are stronger because of it and I cannot wait to spend the rest of our lives together, as husband and wife. Unless you don't want to, you are free to go."

Rachel couldn't help but grin a little at Monica's last statement. Chandler's eyes widened and he looked at Rachel who merely shrugged. He was in trouble and she was not going to help. She had her own issues.

"I...I have made many mistakes in my life," Chandler began, taking a deep breath, "I've said the wrong the things, done the wrong things...acted too quickly or didn't act at all. But the one thing I am certain of is that you are the woman that I meant to be with. You are the person who makes me better than I ever thought I could possibly be. You make me work harder. You came into my life in 1987 and have never left. Without you, I'm not much of anything. With you, I am complete. There is no one else I want to be with, no one else I want to laugh with, grow old with or be with because, as they say, when you know, you know and I know. You're it for me, Monica and I've never been more sure of anything. I love you and I will always love you and what ever surprises come our way, I will still love you. Yeah, I'm sure. You're my Sally."

Rachel's eyes filled with tears as they finished their vows. She knew Monica and Chandler's nicknames for each other were Harry and Sally from the movie, "When Harry Met Sally." She had always found that so unbelievably sweet. As Joey continued, Rachel felt someone staring at her. She looked up and met Ross' gaze. He kept staring at her and she kept thinking about their drunk marriage. It should have been them. They should be married. She wanted to yell at him right then and there that she was now pregnant with their child. Why couldn't she and Ross be like Chandler and Monica. Yes, Chandler and Monica had problems. They had their issues, but they somehow seemed to make it work. Why couldn't she and Ross do the same? She kept crying, she just felt sad. Sad for herself and Ross, sad that they would now be parents, sad that their child would have parents who couldn't figure out how to be a couple.

"It is sweet," Phoebe whispered to Rachel. Phoebe must have thought Rachel's tears were for Monica and Chandler. Rachel simply nodded and continued to watch as Joey pronounced Monica and Chandler as husband and wife and they kissed.

After the ceremony was over and everyone left to attend the reception, Ross, Rachel, Joey and Phoebe returned to share a moment with Chandler and Monica before all the craziness began. Neither Chandler nor Monica could stop smiling and Rachel knew she had to compose herself. She needed to not draw attention to herself because she knew Monica would be pissed if she did. She knew Monica wanted this day to be about her and she didn't blame her friend, so she would have to keep her pregnancy to herself until after the wedding.

"I can't believe this. It's amazing. You're married," Rachel said, beaming, pushing her thoughts down and enjoying the moment. It was an incredible moment, she loved both Chandler and Monica and them getting married was amazing.

"I know. We're married," Monica said.

"And...okay, I wanna say something. I'm an asshole," Chandler said which led Ross, Joey, Rachel and Phoebe to all agree. Chandler let out a laugh, "I am so grateful and lucky to have each one of you. Please know that and I am so sorry for what I pulled today. I love this woman," Chandler said giving Monica a kiss. "I got scared not because of committing but...because I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost you, Mon-"

"You're not losing me. I promise you. It doesn't matter how badly you fuck up...I'm in this. I'm not leaving this marriage. You are my husband. The fact that you could run off before the wedding and I still married you, that's your proof," Monica said.

"Thank you and to the rest of you...Phoebe, Joey, Ross, Rachel...I am so, so sorry. I promise to get my head out of my ass and be far more grateful that I have friends like you and thanks for, not giving up on me. Thank you for being there these last three months. Thank you for always being there. I know I have not made it easy...I want you guys to be okay with me again," Chandler said.

"We are. We always will be...it's just...can you please start making it easier for us to be your friend...'cause that would really help us out," Rachel said.

"Yeah. That would," Joey said.

"I will do my best." Chandler said.

"Alright...now, can we please celebrate?" Monica asked and the rest of the group agreed. Chandler took Phoebe off to the side as Rachel, Joey and Ross surrounded Monica. Monica looked so happy, practically beaming and Rachel so badly wanted to be happy and to not be jealous. She couldn't help it.

During the reception, she sat watching them and occasionally watching Ross talk to some blonde woman that Rachel didn't know. She could tell Ross now, tell him not to flirt with the blonde woman because he would be a dad. She could do anything else. She could look through her speech. She picked up her notes for her Maid of Honor speech and began reading even though she had memorized it.

"It's you," Phoebe said.

Rachel up from her notes and looked at Phoebe. Phoebe kept staring at her and Rachel knew exactly what she was asking but maybe she would play dumb.

"What?"

"Monica's not pregnant. Chandler told me and I'm not pregnant...and even though I never took Sex Ed, I'm going to assume that Joey, Ross, and Chandler aren't pregnant. That leaves you."

Rachel let out a sigh. She would not be able to avoid the questions. She would have to answer and she had already told Chip and Amy and she never wanted to tell them so maybe Phoebe wouldn't be too bad, "yeah, it's me."

"Oh my G-d, Rach."

"But Pheebs, I don't wanna talk about this. Not now."

"Who's the dad?"

"Phoebe."

"This is a big deal."

"I know. I don't wanna discuss it now. Please? I wanna give our speech," Rachel said.

"Alright," Phoebe said.

Rachel knew Phoebe would ask questions and she didn't blame her. She wanted to focus on Monica and Chandler, watching them dance. Chandler's arms wrapped tightly around Monica's waist and he gently kissed her head. Monica looked up and he kissed her again. Her face glowed as Chandler would not let her go, except to twirl her around and around. Monica laughed as he pulled her in, it was just sweet. Very sweet. The only time she looked away was to look at Ross who was dancing with the the blonde. She wished Ross would dance with her, would hold her the way Chandler was holding Monica. She was so engrossed in watching Ross that she didn't even notice Monica and Chandler approach them.

"So, you two gonna do your speech now?" Monica asked.

"Yes," Rachel said, standing up and giving Phoebe a look. Phoebe nodded and stood as well.

"I've been waiting for this forever, Chandler grinned as he clapped his hands together. "It's why I decided to not run out."

"Too soon," Monica said.

"Sorry," Chandler said.

Rachel laughed and gently squeezed his arm as she followed Phoebe to the front to begin their speeches. People began tapping their glasses and everyone looked towards the front. Rachel placed her hand on her stomach and immediately dropped it. She needed to focus.

"Hi, I'm Rachel. I'm the Maid of Honor."

"I'm Phoebe...a bridesmaid and we both consider Monica one of our favorite people."

"Yeah...and Chandler," Rachel said.

"Yeah. He's okay," Phoebe said.

"Thank you," Chandler yelled.

Rachel took a deep breath as she continued with her speech, "I've known Mon since we were a couple of six-year-olds and I officially became friends with Chandler when he was twenty-five, although he acted like a six-year-old. Chandler and I though have had a few run ins over the years. He and I actually went to camp together when I was eleven and he was twelve and he was such an awesome person. As many of you know, he's a bit prankster and he's also very protective so if you hurt one of his friends, he will prank you. That is his revenge. I wasn't very nice to once of his friends in camp so he filled my bed with peanut butter. Years later, he covered my car with peanut butter. It took two months to get out, Bing," Rachel joked. Sure there was deeper story but she figured enough time had passed, "But um...despite his jokes and his pranks and he is the funniest guy I know, he's also one of the sweetest. He's always there with a hug and a kind word or a joke and I am so happy that we are finally friends and okay, in camp, you gave me a friendship bracelet," Rachel reached into the bag and held it up, "you said that if I ever needed a friend, I'd just have to look at it and know I had one. I said at the time that I would think of Sean Cassidy. Well, it's been twenty years and when I look at this, I no longer think of Sean Cassidy. I think of you...and Monica...you are...I can't even...I am honored to be called your friend. You are a sister and seven years ago, I showed up needing a place to stay and you took me in with open arms, no questions asked and I will never be able to thank you enough. I love you, Mon...and okay, I have something else. Um, Phoebe and I have thought forever that Monica and Chandler would be getting married one day and I found this," Rachel reached into her purse and pulled out an old faded piece of notebook paper. "This a MASH game. If you can see it. Monica and I did this when we were high school seniors. I think we were bored. I found Monica's game. Now, I don't know if you guys can see this but okay, Monica, you were gonna live in a mansion, own a dog, live in New York, have 25 children...better get working Chandler...and you were gonna drive a Volvo and your husband...is Chandler. She loved you even then, Bing and MASH doesn't lie. I told you then I thought that one day you would be marrying him and it thrills me to no end to say these words to you...I...told...you...so. To Monica and Chandler."

Rachel handed Phoebe the microphone and put everything back in her purse. She looked over at Phoebe, nodding for her to continue. As Phoebe talked, Rachel barely listened. She knew the speech, the two had gone over their speeches together a lot. She kept looking out at everyone. She saw Chandler's dad whom she had had that moment with, she would have to talk to him. She wasn't sure if Chandler had told Helena yet that he knew about him and Rachel and she thought she might need to. She noticed Ellie and Laurie, Monica's best friends since middle school. She knew the three girls had gone to fat camp together and she was always happy that Monica had Ellie and Laurie in high school. Her eyes landed once again on Ross who was with that damn blonde. She immediately hated the blonde and then finally her gaze landed on Monica and Chandler and she took in the way Chandler kept looking at Monica. He could not take his eyes off her and it pained her, it had been a long time since anyone looked at her like that. Phoebe soon ended her speech and Rachel reached for a champagne glass, "To Monica and Chandler," Rachel said as she lifted her glass, brought it to her lips but did not drink.

After the speeches, Rachel and Phoebe walked back to their seats and sat down. She felt sad as Phoebe wrapped her arm around her and hugged her.

"You okay?"

"I deserve an Oscar for that," Rachel said.

"Rachel."

"Phoebe...please, Joey's speaking," Rachel said as Joey got up and walked to the front and began speaking.

"I know...it's just...okay, are you going...are you going to keep this one?"

Rachel looked at Phoebe and raised an eyebrow. Was she joking? Rachel loved Phoebe's bluntness, but there was bluntness and there was mean and sometimes Rachel wondered if Phoebe knew where that line was. Phoebe took a deep breath, seemingly knowing she had pushed too far.

"I'm sorry," Phoebe said.

"No, it's fine...I...I just...it's a shock. It happened and...it wasn't planned and there was protection...I don't know. I just...I need a friend."

"You got one."

"Thank you...now let's listen to Joey profess his love for Chandler," Rachel said.

Phoebe smiled as she reached down to squeeze Rachel's hand. They turned towards Joey who was talking about how much he loved his friend and for a moment, Rachel's thoughts veered away from pregnancy and she thought of the six of them. It was so bizarre to her. All six were linked so tightly and had gone so far back. The day of the game where Chandler and his buddies had gone to Lincoln High and he had put peanut butter on her car? After that game, he had gone to a Halloween party in Queens. It had been Joey's party. Rachel had lost her virginity at a house party in Queens. Once again, it was Joey's house. Phoebe had robbed Rachel's aunt store while she was there and Phoebe had been in the soup kitchen when she was volunteering. Chandler was a camp friend. She had run into Joey at a New York Fashion Week. The six of them had connections before they were ever officially friends.

"You know what's strange?" Rachel asked.

"What?"

"We're all linked, the six of us? We all go back...even without realizing it. I mean, Chandler and you met when you were kids, Joey and Chandler met...you met Monica and I. Chandler was in and out of my life...and then of course, Monica, Ross and I...and you and Joey met a couple times...I know we mock you for all that spiritual stuff but...the six of us were meant to be friends, weren't we?"

"Yeah. It seems like it."

"And now...this group is going to have an addition," Rachel said.

"That baby will be so loved, Rach. They'll have Monica as an aunt and Chandler as an uncle. That kid will have awesome organizational skills and be able to pull off the greatest pranks ever...and that kid will have you as a mom and you will be fantastic."

Rachel loved those words. She had always described Phoebe as a warm fire. A wonderfully weird warm fire. She could be blunt and mean, she could be cold but if she loved you, she would not let you go, she would comfort you. She was cozy.

"Thank you, Phoebe."

The two hugged as Joey walked over to Chandler and hugged him and the party continued out on the dance floor. Monica and Chandler walked out onto the floor as did Ross and that blonde. Joey approached her and Phoebe and asked if they both wanted to dance with him which Rachel found sweet. Joey didn't want either one to feel left out, but she declined and let Phoebe and Joey dance together. She wasn't quite in the mood and just wanted to observe.

"You told my son that we slept together," Charles, dressed fully as Helena, said sitting down next to her.

"Blame Ross," Rachel said.

"I was never going to tell."

"Thank you…..we shouldn't have done it though. I cheated on my boyfriend at the time."

"Is that why you broke up?"

"No. I ran out on him."

"Oh."

Rachel remained seated as Charles/Helena remained there for a bit longer before getting up. She just kept watching the wedding and soon Phoebe walked back to her and sat next to her. Joey had gone to hit on some random woman at the wedding. Rachel didn't really want to say much. She did not have much to say, but Phoebe kept talking. She kept asking questions and Rachel kept not wanting to discuss it. She watched as Monica and Chandler parted and Monica practically glided across the floor towards them.

"Hey, girls. great speeches," Monica said.

"Thank you," both girls said together.

"And Rach, thanks for this morning," Monica said.

"But did you find out why Chandler ran?" Rachel asked.

"Yeah. He um...Sophie passed away and he fell off the wagon and he got scared but he's fine but it's strange because Phoebe, he said that you found a pregnancy test in our trash and he thought I was pregnant. I'm not pregnant."

That was a lot to process. Rachel looked at Phoebe and then thought of Sophie. Sophie had passed away? This was too much. It was taking every ounce of strength she had to not break down, but she did have to process the conversation. Chandler had thought Monica was pregnant? Was that why he came back?

"Weird," Phoebe said, looking at Rachel.

"Are either of you pregnant?" Monica asked. "Rachel?"

"I don't wanna talk about this, please, not today. I really want this to be your day," Rachel pleaded, she really did not want to talk about it. Too many people knew now and Ross didn't even know. That didn't seem right.

"Mon, they're cutting the cake," Chandler said, approaching them and tapping Monica's arm.

"Okay...but Rach, this isn't over," Monica said.

"Go eat cake please," Rachel said.

"Are one of you going to be eating two slices of cake?" Chandler asked.

"What?" Monica asked.

"Chandler," Rachel said, glaring at him.

"It's my wedding. I can ask as many inappropriate questions as I want," Chandler grinned.

"You're on thin ice, Bing," Rachel said.

Chandler grinned as Monica pulled him off. Ross and Joey walked up behind them.

"Twenty bucks says he smashes her in the face with the cake," Joey said.

"Oh no...he already knows he's in trouble over what happened earlier. He wouldn't do that. She'd kill him," Phoebe said.

They watched closely as Monica and Chandler cut the cake. Rachel let out a laugh as she watched Chandler feed Monica cake as if he were dismantling a bomb. He was being so careful not to drop a crumb on her dress, on the floor, anywhere. Rachel looked at Monica who kept staring at Chandler, grinning slightly. Rachel knew that look, that playful look. Chandler could be careful, but Monica didn't need to be.

"Oh, G-d...I know that look," Rachel whispered.

"Me too," Ross said.

Monica raised an eyebrow, ran her tongue over her teeth as she stared directly at Chandler. She picked up a big handful of cake and proceeded to smash it in Chandler's face. Chandler began laughing as the other four cheered. Monica was grinning.

"I can play," Monica said as the two kissed.

"They're gonna make it. They're gonna be fine," Rachel said.

"So will you," Phoebe whispered.

Rachel smiled as they watched Chandler retaliate by smashing a little cake in Monica's face. The two continue to share kisses as they wiped off their faces and walked onto the dance floor while the cake was being served. Rachel felt herself starting to cry again. She couldn't help it, call it hormones, call it whatever, but she just felt so sad.

"Dance with me, Green," Ross said as he grabbed Rachel's hand and pulled her onto the floor. She breathed him in. She loved him. Loved every piece of him and she couldn't stop crying. "You alright?" He asked, holding her close to him.

"I'm pregnant," she whispered.

"What?"

"I'm pregnant…..we're going to parents. I'm sorry, Ross or not….we're gonna be parents."

Ross stared at her without saying a word. She tried register the emotion on his face. Was he going to get mad? Was he going to yell? Scream? What was he going to do? She wanted him to say something.

"You're pregnant?"

"Yep. So you wanna talk to that blonde some more?" Rachel asked.

Ross said nothing and instead pulled her closer to him, giving her a kiss on her forehead and she rested her head on his shoulder. They kept dancing, not wanting the song to end because as soon as it ended, the reality would set in but for now….now, they'd just dance.


	51. Chapter 51

**May 2001-November 2001**

Rachel slowly knocked on Ross' door, wanting to talk with him. After the wedding, Monica and Chandler had retreated to their honeymoon suite and the other four were going to hang out but Ross disappeared. She had ended up watching Joey and Phoebe play quarters and seeing who could put away more shots before getting bored and going to find Ross. When he opened the door, he stepped aside and let her in. She walked into Ross room and lay on his bed. Ross lay down next to her.

"Phoebe and Joey are playing drinking games. Monica and Chandler are probably…..doing each other."

"I didn't need to know that," Ross said, grabbing her hand. "So you're pregnant?"

"Yeah."

"You sure it's mine?" Ross asked.

"Yes….and shut up."

"Wow."

"Wow?"

"I don't know what to say. Should we get married?"

"What?"

"We should get married."

"'Cause that's your answer for everything?" Rachel asked.

"Well no, it's...we should….they probably haven't put everything away and Joey can marry us and-"

"I don't-I don't want to get married Ross."

"You don't?"

"Well...that's if we're in love. Are we in love?"

"I don't know."

"And….you know...I guess I should tell you, I've been pregnant before," Rachel said, quietly. She felt she should probably tell him that. He had a right to know that.

"When you were in eleventh grade?" Ross asked.

"You knew?" Rachel asked.

"Everyone knew."

She let out a snort. Everyone knew. Maybe she should have been honest at the beginning or not?

"Chip and I had sex and I got pregnant and had an abortion and told no one….except Amy who took me to the clinic. I didn't even tell Chip but that's why I reacted so badly to that prank Chandler pulled. He and his friends visited and I pretended not to know him and I knew him. I knew who he was immediately. I just pretended not to."

"I understand."

"What are we gonna do?"

"I'm going to be by your side the whole time...you know that, right? You're going to keep….you're going to-"

"I'm keeping the baby. I can't do that again. But what about us? What do we do? You and me? I mean, even if we got married….what would change between us? It doesn't work when we're together. We've tried it and it doesn't work."

"So you think we should have the baby but not be together?"

"I don't know. I just felt so sad today watching Monica and Chandler….they're so perfect. Yes, Chandler can be an idiot sometimes. He ran out on the wedding and why the hell did he do that?"

"I was going to kill him…..although, it a weird way, his reason for running was kind of sweet."

"What?"

"He loves Monica so much that the thought of losing her freaked him out so he wanted to control that. He would leave before she did," Ross said.

"She's not leaving him."

"I think he knows that now."

"Monica has loved Chandler forever. They really are a real life When Harry met Sally. Why can't we get us right, Ross? And now...we're gonna have a child and we still….I can't…"

"We will figure this out."

"When?" Rachel asked.

"I don't know," Ross said as Rachel simply nodded. She rested her head on his shoulder as he turned to gently kiss her. She didn't know what to say and it seemed neither did he. Everything was changing.

The next morning, they met up with the other four for brunch. Monica had wanted to celebrate post wedding with the rest of them so she had planned a brunch just for them. They sat, drinking coffee, powering their way their way through French toast and waffles and Rachel tried her best to concentrate on Monica and Chandler, both still basking in the glow of their wedding. Joey, Phoebe, Ross and Monica sipped mimosas while she and Chandler sipped coffee and remained quiet but that slowly started to seem impossible. There was an elephant in the room and it was becoming more and more difficult to ignore.

"Can we talk about it now?" Monica asked, letting out a sigh as she looked at Rachel who began to feel a little uncomfortable.

"About what?" Rachel asked.

"Rach," Monica said.

"But….it's still your weekend. We're still in the midst of the Monica celebrations," Rachel grinned.

"Wait….shouldn't it be the Monica and Chandler celebrations?" Chandler asked.

"No," Monica said.

Chandler let out a laugh and placed his arm around Monica, kissing her. It was all just so sweet and it just made her sad.

"Monica-" Rachel started.

"No, besides Ross told me this morning," Monica said.

"What? You did?" Rachel asked, looking at him.

"I had to, I'm sorry….I just...I had to say something. I went to their room when you were getting ready this morning," Ross said.

"I wish you hadn't done that," Rachel said, a bit angry. He really had to stop doing that, stop making decisions without her.

"I had to say something," Ross said.

"No, you didn't," Rachel said. "It's my decision and I wanted to try and keep it secret until after this weekend."

"Well, I mean...we all kinda knew," Phoebe said. "You confirmed it to me."

"I didn't know. You knocked her up?" Joey asked, looking over at Ross.

"Classy, Joe. I know you knew but...let's-I just- I don't wanna discuss this now," Rachel said, "please, I want to keep this about Chandler and Monica. Although, Chandler why didn't you tell me Sophie passed away."

"I-well-you're pregnant," Chandler offered.

"You're weird," Rachel said.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. We'll visit her. I promise," Chandler said.

"Thank you," Rachel said.

"Look, I appreciate you not wanting to tell us or not confirm it right now but we do all kind of know. Let's just discuss it," Monica said.

"Fine….I am pregnant. Ross and I are going to have a child," Rachel said, letting out an annoyed sigh.

"Are you getting married? 'Cause I know how to do that," Joey said.

"No, no marriage although, that's only what I want….who knows, Ross may have already gotten us a marriage license in the last twenty four hours," Rachel said.

"Why are you mad?" Ross asked.

"Because it's so typical of you Ross. You never asked if I had told Monica or Chandler or if anyone knew so you went completely over my head and made the decisions without asking me. Yes, I confirmed it to Phoebe but I hadn't confirmed to anyone else," Rachel said, motioning to the rest of the group.

"They were going to find out eventually," Ross said.

"And why couldn't I have been the one to make that choice. I especially didn't want Monica and Chandler knowing right now because this weekend is still supposed to be about them," Rachel said.

"It's okay, Rach. Hey, you're pregnant. At least for the next nine months, I can have a non-drinking buddy," Chandler said.

"I'm going to be an aunt. It can still be about me," Monica said as she reached for Rachel's hand and squeezed it.

"Yeah, yeah and now, when we have our weekly lunches….we can choose all the bad, fattening places to eat. The ones I always recommend and you refuse to go to? Oh, nine months without having to go somewhere that has menu items like kale or…queef-wah?" Chandler sounded confused.

"It's pronounced keen-wah," Rachel corrected him.

"It's gonna be amazing. I can make it about me too. Nine months of bacon cheeseburgers and chili cheese fries," Chandler mused.

"Wait….no," Monica said, giving him a look.

"I'm just gonna help Rachel out," Chandler argued.

"By clogging your arteries and giving yourself a heart attack at thirty two?" Monica asked.

"Well, you know I'm trying to give more to my friends," Chandler said, "it's the thirteenth step."

Monica playfully elbowed him as Rachel laughed. She could just imagine their weekly lunches for the next nine months. She would have to keep Chandler in check though, those bacon cheeseburgers would have to be kept down to a minimum.

"Thanks, guys….and Chandler, we cannot have bacon cheeseburgers every week," Rachel said.

"Nachos," Chandler remarked.

"Oooo, tempting," Rachel said. "But can we not….now...I really, I just….you two got married yesterday. You're gonna go on your honeymoon, you're going to Turks and Caicos. I'm jealous. Let's talk about that."

"Okay, we can….just Pheebs, you can't invite yourself on this trip," Chandler teased.

"Bite me," Phoebe retorted.

Chandler leaned in towards Phoebe to playfully bite her shoulder which elicited laughter from the rest of the group. Leave it to Chandler to make things a little lighter again. She was still mad though, still upset with Ross. She hated that he seemed to once again have no concern for what she may have wanted.

She barely spoke to Ross the rest of the brunch and when she returned to the apartment after the wedding, she retreated to her bedroom wanting to be alone. She lay curled up on her bed, wanting to cry but she could barely muster up enough strength to do so.

"Rach?"

Rachel turned over and stared at Monica standing in her doorway, holding a box of Twinkies. She sat up as Monica lay down next to her. She opened the box and handed her a Twinkie which Rachel took and unwrapped. She took a bite and began to cry, Monica held her and continued comforting her.

"What is wrong with me?" Rachel asked, wiping the tears away from her face.

"Nothing, sweetie. Look, we're next door. We're opening gifts and I know you love opening the gifts."

"None of them are for me."

"Well, you can determine which ones we will need to return."

"I can do that."

"Come open presents with us."

Rachel nodded as they slowly got up and walked into Chandler and Monica's apartment where Joey, Chandler, Phoebe and Ross were sitting around a giant pile of gifts. Rachel sat near Phoebe and watched as Chandler and Monica began opening gifts. She sat quietly as she listened to the others provide a running commentary on presents. She laughed a lot thanks to Chandler who seemed to be on his funniest behavior. She appreciated it but she was still upset.

Soon, the other four decided to leave Monica and Chandler alone to let them continue to celebrate on their own. They stood awkwardly in the hall, staring at each other and it dawned on Rachel how different things would be now.

"So weird….we're now four singles and a married couple," Rachel mused.

"Yeah...so I'm gonna go meet up with Marjorie and Sue Ellen at Port Authority for drinks. You guys wanna come?" Phoebe asked.

"Sue Ellen's the slutty one, right?" Joey asked.

"Yes," Phoebe said.

"I'm in," Joey grinned, stepping towards Phoebe.

"I'm gonna stay here….I'm tired," Rachel said as she stepped back towards her door.

"I'll stay with you," Ross said.

"I don't want you to," Rachel said.

"I'll stay with you anyway," Ross said.

"Of course you will because what does it matter what I want," Rachel said, walking into her apartment and slamming the door shut. Ross opened the door and stepped inside. As Rachel heard the door slam shut, she turned and glared at him.

"When is it going to be my turn?"

"It is always your turn," Ross argued.

"I did not want to tell them yet. You should have asked if I wanted to tell Monica-"

"She's my sister, why wouldn't I want to tell her?"

"Because it's her wedding weekend. She was already pissed that we got married during their first anniversary trip to Vegas, you think she'd be thrilled that I'm finding out that I'm pregnant during her wedding weekend….and you're the dad. You're right, it's your sister. The same sister who gets mad when you steal her thunder, I know this, why the hell don't you?"

"I know Monica. But she would have found out."

"She didn't have to find out this weekend."

Ross let out an annoyed sigh which she made her madder, why was he annoyed?

"Fine, I'm sorry I told Mon but she knows, they all know….now what?"

"I don't know….how did this even happen?" Rachel asked. "We were careful. We-we were really careful and-"

"I have it on tape."

Rachel cocked her head to the side and looked at him. What did he just say? She tried to comprehend that. A tape? He had recorded it? She tried to remember that night and wondered when he would have taped it?

"Excuse me?"

"Are you going to be here for awhile?"

"Yes."

"Hold on," Ross said, leaving Rachel standing in the middle of the apartment. He had done what? She stood there for what felt like forever until Ross returned to her apartment holding the VHS tape.

"You taped us?"

"Not on purpose."

"What?"

"Okay, remember that night? How I was already here? I was hanging out with Joey and I was asking him for advice. Dating advice. I haven't had a date in awhile but...well, he set me up with the camera and he went on a date and I practiced asking girls out and-"

"That's why you were talking to yourself," Rachel said as the moments of that night dawned on her again. They had fought, but before when she had walked in, Ross had been in her apartment alone and it was weird.

"Yeah….and I forgot about the camera."

"So…."

"Everything got recorded."

"Oh….did you watch it?" Rachel asked.

"No, no...that's….no."

"Hmmm," Rachel said as she looked at him and then at the tape. Staring at that tape, she wasn't sure if she should get mad or if she should watch it. Perhaps it was a mistake, an error but….

"What?"

"I don't know. You know, Joey's not going to be home for awhile. He's out with Pheebs...and Mon and Chandler are being newlyweds."

"Do you wanna watch this?" Ross asked, giving her a look.

"I don't know."

"That would be weird."

"Yeah….but...I mean...we fought that night."

"We did."

"So maybe we can watch it and it can help us become better in our relationship?" Rachel offered.

"I'd like to be better in our relationship."

"Me too and we're going to be parents so….I'll lock the door," Rachel said as she walked towards the door and Ross walked towards the VCR to pop the tape in. Rachel walked back and the two made themselves comfortable in the big, comfty recliner and began watching. There was arguing, it was the same argument they kept having it seemed. Ross paused it and looked at her.

"You really think I'm an asshole, don't you?" Ross asked, looking at her. She was struck by the look in his dark eyes. He looked hurt.

"No, no, not at all….I just think...you...see...the way Chandler looks at Monica? I love that. The way he checks in with her and doesn't think he's better than her."

"I don't think I'm better than you. No, in fact I often ask what I did to get so lucky."

"Hmmm, that's sweet but we're not having sex. We already did."

"Got it," Ross pressed play and they continued to watch. The fighting led to kissing and then soon, they were watching themselves have sex. At first, Rachel was amazed by how good they looked but soon it got gross. They seemed to be practically pawing at each other and suddenly both Ross and Rachel raced towards the VCR to turn off the tape.

As the days went by, she began to get used to the idea of she and Ross having a child together. They had decided that they would not get back together. It would be too difficult and if they didn't work out again, it would be worse because there would be a child involved. So they would just raise a child but not be together. That could be for the best, after all they just were not good together.

If she wasn't going to be with Ross, she did think she might have to move out. She could live on her own, she was making enough now and maybe it was time. There were thoughts of living with another roommate. Her co-worker, Reese, had kids but that seemed crazy. There was that place in Ross' building that this old lady lived in but she was being very indecisive as to whether or not she wanted to leave. She would definitely need to move out though, she just did not want to intrude on Joey's bachelor pad lifestyle, especially now with a child. Even if Joey was insistent on her staying.

"Joey, come on."

"No, Rach. I don't want you moving out," Joey said. "This is your home."

"You're sweet but I mean, what if you bring a girl back and you're trying to score and there's a baby screaming in the next room. Doesn't really scream, 'I'm gonna sleep with you and never call you again'", Rachel joked.

"If I bring home a girl that gets turned off by a kid, then maybe I don't want to sleep with that woman and never call her again. Look, please….stay."

"It's gonna be a lot of work."

"It's fine. You belong here. It'll be better too, I mean if you need anything I'll be here. Monica and Chandler will be next door. It'll be better for you here. Please?"

He was so sweet, giving her a sad look and she felt too bad saying no. It would be difficult but it would be nice to be surrounded by Joey, Monica and Chandler. They could help when she needed it. While she did think she might need to move out eventually, maybe staying put was the best thing for now.

The rumor? She had never known exactly who or where it had started that she had two genitalia. She just assumed it was Nancy or Sharon. She had no clue. She just remembered punching Chandler's friend when he asked about it and that being the reason that Chandler and his buddies were at Lincoln High in the first place. She had never expected Ross to be the reason the rumor got started but that Thanksgiving, she discovered just that. Ross and his friend, Will, had started the rumor that she had two parts. She didn't care about Will, but Ross was a whole other matter. She considered junior year of high school to be simply the worst and now she could blame Ross.

"I can't believe you started that rumor," Rachel said to him, flipping through her old yearbook. The rest of the group was currently in the kitchen watching as Joey was finishing off a turkey and Will was long gone.

"It was stupid. I'm sorry. It was dumb," Ross said.

"Well, why would you start it? That's why I punched Chandler's friend, Tyler, in the face."

"You punched him in the face because he asked if you had penis," Ross argued.

"Hey, hey…..leave Tyler out of this. Besides Rach, he told me that he asked you politely," Chandler said, grinning.

"Shut up," Rachel said, glaring at him.

"You really punched a guy in the face?" Joey asked.

"Oh, she did….it was quite a night," Monica mused.

"That was an awful night," Rachel said.

"It was awful 'cause of Chandler," Ross said.

"Wait, no. We were just there to see a game at a school that we didn't go to and you know, a hermaphrodite," Chandler said, looking at Rachel.

"I'm gonna punch you in the face," Rachel said, staring at him.

"Honey, I wanna see our first wedding anniversary," Monica said, patting Chandler's hand.

"What? I had a good night," Chandler said.

"Yeah, but then you went to a party at my house and saw the guy who bullied you in middle school," Joey said.

"Thank you, Joe," Rachel grinned.

"Wow. Whoa, who's side are you on man?" Chandler asked, as he dramatically placed his hand on his chest and stared at Joey with a look of intense hurt.

"Look, okay….I am sorry for starting the rumor. I didn't know Chandler and his friends were gonna come to our school and be assholes," Ross said.

"Why am I getting in trouble?" Chandler asked.

"Okay, Chandler and his friends heard it from Nancy. Did you tell her?" Rachel asked.

"Really? Nancy didn't speak to me. I started it...I didn't know how to handle how I felt about you and I handled it wrong. I knew..I heard rumors too and-" Ross said.

"Why didn't you ask about those rumors?" Rachel asked.

"You didn't speak to me in public. You had rules to be your friend and mine were pretty strict. You didn't even acknowledge me in public," Ross said.

"Wow, Rach you really were a bitch in high school," Phoebe said.

"Gee, thanks Pheebs," Rachel said.

"I am sorry for starting the rumor but it was a long time ago….and we were on a break," Ross said, giving her a small, lopsided grin. Rachel grabbed a pillow and smacked him with it. "Please forgive me."

Rachel let out a sigh and slowly nodded her head. She had to move past it, she knew she did. They were going to be parents.


	52. Chapter 52

Few things:

1\. To the reviewer who said that Joey would not say that he wouldn't want to sleep with a woman who got turned off by a kid, he did actually say that...and then added the joke about it being a challenge or they could just do it at her place  
2\. Please remember that while I will try to follow the storyline, there will be things that were not in the show. Stuff that I'm just throwing in for my own amusement-like Joey's ties to Tony Soprano or Chandler's drug addiction story. Also, there will be little changes...  
3\. Before I get any comments-Rachel's pregnancy on the show was about a year so it will be about a year in this story.  
4\. I will be doing the dreaded Joey/Rachel storyline because it was part of the show and a big part...but I didn't like it either, so hopefully I made it better. Please review...I'm feeling like this is the least popular story based on the review number! So review and make me feel better about myself! ;P

5\. Also, I did not plan to do a True Story Series. Phoebe's was first, followed by Chandler, Monica and now Rachel...so while I tried to keep everything in line, I am aware that there are probably things that don't match up in all the stories! I apologize!

6\. Please review...I'm feeling like this is the least popular story based on the review number! So review and make me feel better about myself! ;P

January 2002-May 2002

She was on a date with Joey. She had complained about not being able to date so Joey took her out. It was quite enjoyable. She loved seeing this side of him. She loved having this moment to try to get more information about his past.

"So okay….tell me more about your mafia ties," Rachel grinned as she snapped open a lobster. They were both eating steak and lobster and enjoying it quite a bit.

"I really can't tell you these things. You can get yourself killed," Joey said.

"They wouldn't kill a pregnant lady."

"Of course they would."

"Well, that's mean."

"And you know, they are known for being a kind-hearted group."

"Tell me something, Joe."

"Okay, I will tell you one thing."

"Oooo, what?"

"My cousins girlfriend is a good friend of mine. Her name is Adriana. She's hot and she confided in me that she may or may not be an FBI Informant. Her boyfriend is in the Sopranos. He's my uncle Tony's nephew."

"Oh my G-d."

"You can't say anything. I can't either. This is serious."

"I won't but what will happen if they find out."

"She...well, it won't be good," Joey said.

"So...okay. Your uncle is Tony Soprano."

"Yes."

"So you've met Tony Soprano."

"Many times. He's actually a really nice guy…..I mean, the whacking part aside. Definitely knows his way around a good BBQ."

"So you were in construction and the construction was a front."

"Yes."

"And you quit construction to be an actor and they let you quit? Just like that?" Rachel asked and Joey let out a sigh. He put down his lobster and looked at her. She found this so amazing, she wanted to know everything.

"Okay, Chandler is the only one that knows these things. Pheebs too. I was working in construction and I saw things and one day I….I saw someone get killed. I watched it. I watched this guy lose his life over...I don't even remember the amount, but I couldn't….I couldn't be part of that world. So I told my uncle and I told my parents that I couldn't be part of that. Watching someone lose their life right in front of me. I needed to leave. So I did. I moved in with Shane and some Swedish models and then I flew to Los Angeles and then….came home."

"Wow. I couldn't see you being part of that."

"Neither could I. Okay, because you're feeling depressed, I do have a secret for you. No one knows this. Not even Chandler."

"Oh my G-d. A secret Chandler doesn't know? What about Phoebe?"

"She doesn't know either."

"Oh my," Rachel said, kind of excited that she might know something that no one else did.

"Remember when Chandler hooked up with my sister and didn't remember which one?"

"Yeah."

"I wasn't honest with you about what actually happened after."

"What?"

"My sister was pissed and orchestrated a hit. My Uncle Tony called me to inform me of the hit because he knew I was living with Chandler and he knew how pissed I was after what happened with Shane. He told me it was being orchestrated. I had to go down there with my sister and get the hit called off. I told him, he's an addict. He just got cheated on and dumped...he's in a bad place. Let me deal with it."

Rachel's eyes widened as she stared at him. She could not believe what she was hearing.

"There was a hit?"

"Yep."

"Oh my G-d. Joey."

"I know but do not tell Chandler. I don't want him knowing that."

"You got it called off. I mean, you kinda saved his life."

"I still don't want him knowing that."

"I get it. You really love Chandler, don't you?" Rachel asked.

"He's my brother."

"It's sweet. I'm glad he's doing well. He's really trying."

"I'm happy….and I'm afraid if he found out how close he was to losing his life, he would fall off the wagon. He's doing too well."

"He is. I'm proud of him. I'm also happy he's not sleeping with fishes. Can I ask you something? Why acting? Was it really to get out of joining the mob?"

"I liked it. I liked being someone else. It seemed fun and you know, you get laid."

"Oh, Joey."

Rachel shook her head as they continued eating. Sitting there with Joey, it surprised her how much she truly enjoyed it. It was an amazing date. She had never really been out with Joey alone. She had eaten in front of the television with him, they were roommates but she really had never hung out with him without everyone else.

"Question," Joey began, "if all six of us were on a boat and you could only save one person-"

"Not a fair question, Ross is the father of my child. I love Phoebe and Monica more than I do my biological sisters. Chandler's my gossip/lunch buddy and you're my roommate. Let's discuss something else. You and Pheebs. Friends with Benefits?"

"You know the answer."

"I want it confirmed."

"Yes."

"So Phoebe has kissed Chandler, made out with Ross and had sex with you. Go, Pheebs," Rachel grinned.

"Is she the only one of you girls that kissed everyone?" Joey asked.

"Yeah. Well, I made out with Chandler once. You cannot tell Ross or Monica. Chandler will kill me."

"When?"

"College. It was really quick. Mon and I went to visit Ross and Chandler and Mon and I got so drunk and we were being really mean to Chandler and he went into his room and I followed him in because I wanted to continue being mean and we kissed. It was super quick but it happened."

"Whoa and I won't tell."

"Good….so if you could only save one of us-"

"Chandler," Joey said, grinning which made Rachel laugh.

"I am sitting right here."

"I know. Chandler."

Rachel simply shook her head as she continued eating. It was a surprisingly fun evening. She liked hanging out with Joey. He made her laugh. It felt kinda nice to see this side of him.

"You two really have a bromance."

"We do. Let me ask you something, why did you hate him so much? Chandler told me you guys used to just despise each other?" Joey asked.

"Long story. To be really honest. It wasn't anything he really did. He had really bad timing."

"Okay, you have to tell me the story."

"I had an abortion….when I was sixteen," Rachel said after taking a moment. Joey was the only one group who didn't know it seemed.

"Chandler got you pregnant?" Joey asked.

"No. Eww. no. My high school boyfriend, Chip. The guy I had sex with in your bedroom."

"Oh."

"A couple weeks after that abortion, I was cheering at the game and Chandler and his buddies heard the hermaphrodite rumor and came to see if it was true. He talked to me because he remembered me from camp, I remembered him too but I blew him off….he got pissed. I punched his friend Tyler in the face-"

"Then Chandler did that prank."

"Yep and that kicked off our mutual hatred of each other."

"Oooo."

"There you go….now everyone knows."

"Wait, am I the only one who didn't know you had had an abortion?"

"Of our group? Yes. Monica and Ross knew in high school, I didn't tell 'em but apparently they knew. But yeah….you're the last one."

"Why wouldn't you tell me?"

"Joe."

"What?"

"Come on."

"No. Why would you not tell me?" Joey asked.

Rachel smiled as she took a deep breath, "well...I mean, I love you but you….you're not known for your sensitivity."

Joey gave her a look and she could detect a wave of hurt across his face. She was slightly shocked by that. Had she hurt Joey?

"I see," he said, looking down at his food. She reached over and squeezed his hand.

"I didn't mean it like that."

"I get it. Although, I have seven sisters. I'm not a complete pig."

"I know. I know."

"I'm really not."

"I know. I'm sorry. I should have told you. It's just not something I enjoy talking about. It wasn't the best moment of my life. Aren't there things you've done that you just don't like talking about?"

"A few."

Rachel took a sip of her water as Joey continued eating. As the date continued, she felt like she was seeing him differently. He seemed sweeter to her. It was funny, she had never thought of him as someone she could confide in.

"I'm scared, Joe."

"Scared?"

"Yeah, I'm real scared. I haven't told anyone else that. But….I'm scared….I know you all say I'm not going to be alone, but we're all getting older. Monica and Chandler are married and are starting their lives and….and one day Pheebs will get married and you maybe and….and Ross...but then he'll divorce her but I can't help but think that at the end of the day, I'm going to be raising a child….alone."

"You won't be alone."

"Joey."

"Look, okay….right now, is Ross dating someone?"

"No."

"Are Monica and Chandler moving somewhere?"

"No….and I know you aren't getting married anytime soon and neither is Phoebe but-"

"And do you see any of that changing within the next year?"

"No I mean, I don't think so but-"

"If I've learned anything in my life, worry about today. Right now, you're not alone."

"But you have to plan….look for the future."

"You can. You can also live your life."

"I can."

She let that sink in. He did have point. She knew that for the time being she would be okay. Monica and Chandler would be next door, Ross across the street and Joey was her roommate. She would be okay. For now, she would be okay.

This was the doctor's appointment she has been waiting for. She would find out the sex of the baby. Ross was with her as he had been at every doctor's appointment. He would hold her hand and be gentle with her. She loved how kind he was being and listened to her as she rambled and asked questions and he seemed to be trying so hard to let her make the decisions, such as finding out the sex of the baby or naming the baby.

"Brian. If it's a boy," she said, laying there waiting for the doctor. Ross sat next to her and brushed the hair out of her face.

"Brian?"

"Yeah. I miss my friend. He would be….he'd be amazed at what I've become," Rachel said.

"He'd be proud of you."

"You think?"

"Yeah."

"You would've liked him. He was a lot like Chandler."

"Oooo, one of Chandler is more than enough," Ross joked.

"True...although, the more I think about it, the two of them together….they'd be constantly trying to top each other to see who could out-joke each other. They'd be nuts and Brian loved hockey at the same level as Chandler."

"Did he sit during games and stare intensely at the ice and not speak to anyone until it was done?" Ross asked.

"Yes! Why does Chandler do that?"

"I don't know. One time, Joey and I kept throwing popcorn at his head to try and break him and he took our popcorn away and smacked us both upside the head."

"Awwww," Rachel said.

"Yeah, he's weird….and he still didn't look away from the ice."

"I never realized how similar they really were. Kinda weird. Brian passes away and a little over a year later, my friendship with Chandler started. It's like I traded one for the other," Rachel said, feeling rather sad all of the sudden. Ross leaned in and kissed her. She shook her head, not wanting to be sad at that moment.

"So what if it's a girl?" She asked.

"Jurassica," Ross said. "Or wait….Diannasaur."

"Think some more," Rachel said, laughing.

"Tyramysaurous or Stegaphanie…saurous."

"We are not naming our child after our a dinosaur."

"You have no imagination."

Rachel was going to say more when the doctor walked in. She lay down as the examination began. Ross held her hand. It was so real now, looking at the images on the sonagram. Everything was moving forward, everything changing. She was going to be a mother….to a little girl. That thought excited her. She would have a little girl. She could imagine dressing her and playing with her. She would make her strong. Her daughter would not be weak and afraid like she had been. Her daughter would know who the friends were that mattered.

After the doctor's appointment, she and Ross walked for a bit, strolling down the street while she marveled in the fact that they were having a girl. She couldn't stop talking about how amazing it would be to have a little girl.

"I think I need to try and design baby clothes. I've never designed clothes for kids. I think I need special stuff. I have to shop. I'm going to teach her to be nice and embrace being nice and-"

"Hey, can I ask you something?" Ross asked, which brought Rachel back to the present. She had been rambling so much that she had almost forgotten Ross was even there.

"Yeah."

"Look...I've been thinking and I know it's us and there's probably going to be drama but….you're having my child and I don't….I don't like that you live across the street. I missed a lot when Carol was pregnant and now I'm gonna miss a lot...again-"

"I don't wanna get married."

"I know but would you wanna move in with me?"

"What?"

"I can talk to Joey or...I don't want...I wanna be there more….I wanna be there for you and our baby."

"But Ross, it's us. I mean...what's gonna happen after the baby is born or what if you date or I do...I just-I-isn't it going to be weird?"

"Maybe or maybe not. Joey knows everything that's going on because he's there and-and Monica and Chandler live across the hall and they know more. I wanna be there. We should be living together."

Rachel looked at him, practically pleading with her. She hated to leave Joey. She loved living with him, loved living in that building so close to Monica and Chandler but maybe it would be a good thing to be with Ross. It would be good to live with him but she knew it would hurt Joey. They had gotten so close in the last few years that telling him, she thought would hurt him.

"I'll break it to him," Rachel said.

"Okay….so it's a yes?"

Rachel nodded as she leaned in and gave him a kiss before they continued to walk off. She felt bad leaving Joey but perhaps it was the right thing to do. She needed to be living with Ross and maybe by living with Ross, she could figure out how to be with him.

When she and Ross arrived back at her apartment, Chandler and Joey were playing video games and yelling at each other about something. She loved watching them play. Monica and Phoebe were sitting on the couch, watching them and talking about something.

"How was it?" Monica asked as they walked in.

"Good, good….um, we found out the sex of the baby," Rachel said.

"Really?" Monica asked as she and Phoebe and got up and walked towards them. Joey and Chandler stopped playing and joined them as well. She was excited to tell them, she kept looking at Ross though. He let out a snort and shook his head.

"You tell them," Ross said.

"We're having a girl," Rachel said. Monica and Phoebe immediately began hugging her which made it hard to tell them the next part of her news, she needed to break this, "and I'm moving in with Ross."

"What?" Joey asked. That last piece of news caused a silence to fall over the group.

"You're moving in together?" Monica asked.

"Well, I just….it's easier," Rachel said.

"Nothing for you two is easier," Phoebe said.

"True," Rachel said.

"You're moving out?" Joey asked.

"I'm sorry, Joey," Rachel said as she hugged him. "You understand, right? I mean-"

"Look, I wanna be there for Rachel. I wanna be there for the whole pregnancy. Everything I didn't get to see when Carol was pregnant. I want to be there this time," Ross said.

"I understand," Joey said.

"I think that's great," Monica said as she approached Ross to hug him. Rachel noticed a change come over Joey though. She noticed Chandler give Joey a look and pat him on the back as if comforting him. She suddenly felt this overwhelming sense of guilt, like she was hurting him but this was good, what she needed to do. She had to move out, had to move in with Ross and let Joey live his life. She was going to be a mom and while Joey was being wonderfully supportive, she knew it was for the best.

A few months after moving in Ross, she had her baby shower planned by Monica. Rachel knew she wouldn't have to worry that Monica would invite of her old friends with the exception of Melissa. She did want to invite her old college friend, she had always liked Melissa and she was glad they had renewed their friendship again. In addition to Monica, Phoebe and Melissa, there were also her favorite work friends: Chelsea, Emily and Laura Jean. It was the perfect group. Her sisters, of course, could not make it which even though she figured would happen, hurt her a little.

"Mom, they're my sisters," She complained over finger sandwiches and tea which Monica had made. Her favorite girls were all chatting around her and she sat with her mother on the couch in Monica and Chandler's apartment.

"Honey, they're busy and-"

"Doing what? It's my baby shower. Shouldn't they be here? It's…"

"Honey."

"Fine. Never mine," Rachel said, looking away. She felt her mom lift her chin towards her and gave her a warm smile.

"You're going to be a terrific mom."

"Really?"

"Yes….and I hope your daughter drives you as nuts as you drove me," Sandra said.

"Yeah, but of the three of us…."

"Ehhh, you were alright," Sandra said.

"You know mom….maybe I should tell you this. I've been pregnant before."

"I know."

"How did you know?" Rachel asked.

"Your sister paid for the abortion on her credit card."

Rachel's mouth dropped. At the time, it hadn't even occurred to her to think about how Amy paid for it. She had apparently paid using a credit card….a credit card that their parents paid the bills for.

"She's an idiot."

"Well, when I got the bill….and be happy your father didn't get that bill."

"Oh, more than you'll ever know."

"I called her and she told me and she said not to say anything. I wanted to but I didn't. Should I have?"

"Probably. Everyone seemed to know. Does daddy?"

"Really?"

"I guess the fact that I'm still alive is my answer," Rachel mused. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay, sweetheart. I'm so proud of you. Look what you've done."

Rachel nodded as she leaned into hug her mother. It had been strange to tell her parents she was pregnant. She had told her father first and he was upset, even calling Ross and yelling at him. Her mom was more understanding. It really had been terrifying. Her dad still did not know about the abortion and that she would forever keep to herself although she did think about confronting Amy, but decided not to...after all, she had a baby to worry about.

After the shower, she wanted to check in with Joey. He had had an audition for a game show and after the audition she wanted to talk with him. Ever since she had moved out, he had been acting a little strange and distant. She needed to talk with him and she had her moment while Ross and Chandler went to play basketball and Monica and Phoebe were cleaning up after the shower. She walked in as he was sitting in his chair, glancing through a script.

"Joe?" She asked as she walked in. He looked up and smiled at her.

"How was the shower?"

"Good. How was the audition?"

"It was alright."

"Hey….can we talk?"

"Yeah."

"Okay….alright, this is hard but lately….are you okay? Ever since I moved out, you've been acting weird. Is something going on?"

"I'm fine."

"Joey, I know you. What's going on?"

Joey let out a sigh as he put the script down and looked at her. He looked like he was thinking something over and let out a sigh.

"Alright, Rach….this is tough but ever since our date, I've been….I've had...I've had feelings for you."

"What?" Rachel asked, letting that sink in. He had feelings for her? When had that happened?

"I know….it's dumb but I don't know and I guess when you moved out, I felt sad and-and I shouldn't because you should be with Ross and live with him and it's weird and-"

"Oh, Joey….Joey, I love you so much but not-"

"I know."

"Not in that way. But you're sweet and I loved our date and I love getting to know you. Really getting to know you. I love that. I will always love that but I'm having Ross' child and at the end of the day….somehow, I do believe Ross and I are going to find our way back to each other and I'm so sorry."

"It's fine, Rach."

"Really?"

"It's fine."

"You're not going to orchestrate a hit on me?" Rachel asked, grinning at him.

"No. No...I won't. Look, I'm gonna get back to memorizing lines."

"Joey."

"I'm okay, Rachel."

Rachel nodded as she leaned and hugged him. He hugged back. She could feel herself starting to cry as he held her. She did love him, she was crazy about him but in the same way she was crazy about Chandler. It was not romantic at all and it made her feel bad that he felt he was falling for her.

"Does Ross know?" Rachel asked. "Does he know how you feel?"

"No, no….only Chandler knows and Monica, probably."

"He tells Monica everything."

"So she knows….and I told Pheebs. So Ross is the only one who doesn't know and I don't want him knowing."

"Okay. I won't tell him."

"Thanks. I'll get over it," Joey said.

"I love you, Joe. I do."

"I know."

Rachel hugged him again. She would keep it from Ross, of course. Maybe she could discuss it with Chandler? She could bring it up with him at their next lunch. She felt horrible hurting Joey like that and maybe Chandler would be the one to talk to.

It was now a few weeks before her due date and she was eating bacon cheeseburgers and fries with Chandler. She wanted to bring up Joey's crush but she kept getting sidetracked, listening to Chandler. Apparently, one of Chandler's co-workers had brought her young daughter, Amy, to his office and he kept talking about how much he enjoyed playing with her. It was so sweet, so cute and it dawned on Rachel that Chandler had reached another milestone no one would have seen coming.

"You want kids?" Rachel asked.

"I don't know," Chandler said. "Amy was so cute and tiny...and she had little pigtails...what the hell is happening to me? I mean, I'm married. I'm sober and clean...I want children."

"I am so happy. You want kids?"

"I...well, Monica was really cute when she was little. I mean, I've seen pictures. Having a kid that looks like how Mon looked when she was younger...that would be cute."

"You were a cute kid too, Bing. I have seen pictures of the bowl cut...and the one where you're eating a rock."

"I can't believe my mother showed you guys that," Chandler shook his head.

"You were cute...and so sweet looking. I think you and Mon having a kid, that kid would be gorgeous."

"I'd be a horrible dad."

"No, I'd think you'd be an awesome dad. I do."

"It would be kinda awesome. I think I'm there. I mean, I never wanted kids."

"I know."

"I don't hate them, I just...I mean, it's just...I thought...my childhood was so screwed up and I thought I'd have no clue how to...but maybe..."

"Just 'cause your childhood was messed up doesn't mean you'll be a sucky dad. Hey, I don't know how to be a mom and I'm gonna have to learn fast."

"I can't wait to see your kid...hmmm, so how you doing though?"

"Ehhh...I'm still mad at you."

"Why? I didn't get you pregnant."

"You should have told me about Joey's crush on me."

"I didn't know," Chandler tried.

"Please," Rachel said, knowing he was lying.

"Okay, I knew but...I can't tell you what Joey and I talk about. I don't tell Joey what you and I talk about and that was something he needed to tell you."

"I felt bad."

"I know."

"Joey's sweet but...it...I don't know. When things get so complicated?"

"I don't know...I now wanna have children, apparently."

Rachel laughed as Chandler took a bite of his burger. Things truly were starting to get more complicated. She and Ross, Monica and Chandler, even Joey and Phoebe. They were all definitely getting older, reaching to steps in their lives and for the first time, she began to wonder how much longer they would be able to hold on to each other? Would they all have to eventually let go of each other? She couldn't imagine that. That would break her.


	53. Chapter 53

To the guest who keeps calling my story weird or keeps thinking it's weird that I'm leaving out scenes. I'm making those choices because even though I'm trying to line the story up to the show, I'm still adding my own things. I can't possibly fit in every episode, it would take years. It's also fiction and I'm taking my own license. There are a lot of things that are happening in the story that did not happen in the show.

To the other reviewers: thank you! I hope people read and review more!

**May 2002**

She hated herself. Okay, that wasn't true. She normally was quite fond of herself, but as she was nearing her due date, it was was hating herself. She was huge and uncomfortable and in pain. Ross was trying, he was definitely trying, rubbing her feet and being sweet to her, very sweet.

"I'm dying," Rachel groaned as she placed her feet on Ross and he gently began massaging her legs.

"You are not dying."

"Uh-huh. You don't know."

"I know."

"I'm going to explode."

"Then I'll get Mon to clean up."

"You know Joey has mob ties."

"I know."

"You know, Joey's sister had a hit on Chandler," Rachel grinned.

"Excuse me?"

"Yep. When Chandler slept with Joey's sister, she apparently got super pissed."

"Is this something you're not supposed to be telling me?" Ross asked.

"Yeah. Don't tell Chandler."

"I won't."

It was actually surprisingly wonderful living with Ross. They had been enjoying themselves as roommates, buying stuff for the baby and setting up their home. It was going to be their home.

"I can't believe we're gonna be parents."

"Me neither."

"Am I gonna be a good mom?"

"You kidding? The best. She's gonna be gorgeous 'cause she'll take after you and she'll be a fashionista."

"A fashionista?" Rachel asked.

"I know words."

"Impressive."

"And she'll be very smart and popular. You know, straight A's and Homecoming Queen," Ross said.

"She'll be amazing. Beauty and brains."

"Perfection."

"Hmmm….but….okay, what about us?" Rachel asked.

"What about us?" Ross asked.

"Do you think there will ever be an us? Again?"

"I don't know. I hope so."

"Would you do that proposal?" Rachel asked. A few months earlier at an anniversary party for Ross and Monica's parents, she and Ross had pretended to be married and through the pretending, he had revealed how he would propose. It would be at the planetarium and he'd have the stars spell out, "will you marry me?" It had melted her, thinking of that proposal. It was an amazing moment, one she had not stopped thinking about.

"No."

"No?"

"I think it would be different. We have a daughter….so I'd probably get her involved. Maybe she could bring you the ring?"

"What is wrong with us? Why can we make us work?" Rachel asked, loving that proposal idea as well.

"I ask myself that all the time."

"How come they make it work? Monica and Chandler? I mean, they work and….why can't we….I mean, fuck, even Joey and Phoebe work better than we do."

"I don't think so."

"You don't?"

"No. I mean, they're different. Different people, you know."

"Chandler never gets crazy jealous," Rachel said.

"Ask him what he thinks about Richard," Ross said, "and if he'd be okay with Monica ever being friends with him?"

"Okay, that is true….and he has addiction issues-"

"And she's nuts. I love her, she's my sister but she's nuts," Ross said. "And Phoebe and Joey? Please."

Rachel gave him a look, the tone of his voice when he mentioned Phoebe and Joey sounded arrogant.

"You're not better than them," Rachel said.

"I didn't say I was."

"'Cause Joey knows people who can kill you."

"I know….you really think I'm that arrogant, don't you?"

"Uh-huh. It's just who you are. Arrogant and jealous."

"Hmmm, okay."

"What?" Rachel asked, giving him small grin. He just kept looking at her, but she stuck with her belief. Ross was arrogant. He just was. They had been through enough for Rachel to just accept that as is.

She got a call from him a few nights later telling her to meet him at the museum. She wasn't sure what the reason was and she wasn't sure she wanted to go. She could barely get off the couch but Ross pleaded with her, telling her he needed her and she went. It was dark when she got there and he immediately ran down the steps to help her up. He wouldn't say anything despite her pressuring him. He walked into the empty museum and walked her towards the planetarium. The memories of the past her hit her, this was where they had been intimate, their first time together. He walked her towards a blanket and helped her make herself comfortable before turning on the stars above them and turning off the narration. He plopped himself down next to her and handed her a juicebox. She smiled.

"What is this?" Rachel asked.

"I don't like that you think I'm this arrogant, jealous…..asshat."

"Ross."

"No."

"Well, we are at your favorite place," she teased.

"Because I can legally get in here after hours. We could have done it at the mall but in order to do that, we'd have to break in and quite honestly, neither one of us would survive prison."

"True."

"But you still think I'm an asshat," Ross said.

"No, not always," Rachel said, feeling a little guilty. Maybe she was being too hard on him, "How did it start?"

"How did what start?"

"Your crush on me. How did it start? You just woke up one morning and thought, 'whoa, that Rachel chick who eats Twinkies with my sister in the pantry is kinda hot?'" Rachel asked. She had never really asked and she always thought she should.

"How did you know? By the way, what did you two talk about in there? You were always in there," Ross said.

"Life. We called them our pantry sessions, even when we'd have those moments at the abandoned drive in when we could drive. They were pantry sessions, we were completely vulnerable and real with each other. I told her once that I didn't think you were ugly."

"Really. Well, that's sweet."

"She thought it was gross."

"Of course."

"We also talked about how you got away with everything. You burnt down Monica's Easy Bake oven by putting the halogen lights in there and you let her take the fall. Admit it," Rachel said.

"I'll admit it. You have to admit now that it was an awesome prank," Ross smiled.

"Well, that's why I put dental floss and honey and stuff in your desk at school. Revenge."

"You showed me….but was it not the best prank? Was it better than Chandler's?"

"Well, Chandler's prank was because he was pissed off and….okay, okay, yes, your prank was awesome," Rachel reluctantly admitted.

"I know and well to answer your question as to when I fell in love with you. Monica's Bat Mitzvah. Dancing with you. The song, "I've Been Waiting for a Girl Like You" was playing and you asked me to dance and I knew you either made a bet or lost one but you told me the truth and I kinda knew, dancing with you….you weren't who you were trying to be. You could've said nothing. You could've kept the money. But you let me in on the bet and gave me half. You didn't need to do that."

"Of course I did."

"I'm sure there are girls that wouldn't have. The fact that you did, the fact that you even told me that as soon as the song ended you would have to act disgusted as soon as we finished….it proved that you had a heart, that you weren't this awful girl. I felt for you. I felt sad for you, that you felt you needed to put on this act and I was happy that I….that well, Monica and I….got to see who you really were and I love being with you whether we're together or not. I've loved watching you become exactly who you want to become. I love you, Rach."

Rachel felt tears fill her eyes as she leaned into kiss him. She took a deep breath and struggled to get up. She looked at Ross and held her hand out. He took it as she pulled him up. He wrapped his arms around her, although with her stomach being as big as it currently was, they couldn't get that close.

"Dance with me, Geller," Rachel whispered.

They slowly began swaying from side to side and in her head, she could hear the Foreigners lyrics in her head. "I've been looking too hard, I've waited too long…..I've been waiting for a girl like you…." those lyrics rang far more true now than they had when she was thirteen. He leaned close towards her and they kissed. She felt herself melting into the ground as he kissed her. She loved him, truly loved him. Loved every part of him and as they continued to kiss, she felt something. She felt something break. She backed off and let out a gasp as she looked at him.

"My water broke."

"It did," Ross said, looking down and back up at her.

"Oh my G-d…..it's time. It's happening."

"Yeah. It's happening."

"I'm scared."

"You'll be fine. You're the strongest person I know."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

They shared a kiss before grabbing each other's hands and slowly walking out of the planetarium. Ross hailed a cab and soon they were off to the hospital. Rachel stared out the window as she listened to Ross give directions to Monica. He was asking her to call everyone and tell them to meet at the hospital and asking her to get stuff from the apartment. She wasn't paying a whole lot of attention. She kept thinking about this next step. Her life had been filled with unexpected changes so far. In her 32 years, she had started a career, left a wedding, gotten married, divorced-thanks to Ross-and was now becoming a mother. What kind of mother would she be? She would soon find out.

Or she would later find out. Once in the hospital, she just waited. She lay there, waiting and waiting more. She was bored, tired and grumpy. Monica, Phoebe, Joey and Chandler were there as well and she was grateful for them, grateful they were there to help keep her occupied.

"Are you feeling you okay, sweetie?" Monica asked, making sure Rachel's pillow was fluffed a little.

"No. I am so uncomfortable."

"Well, at least you get to keep this one," Phoebe said.

"It's the upside. I want her out of me but then….what if I suck at this?" Rachel asked.

"You aren't gonna suck," Monica stressed.

"I have no idea how to be a mother. I love my mother but I don't wanna be like her. I don't know how to discipline a child or….well, I'll tell her she doesn't have to go to college in Long Island but what if she wants to go to college in Long Island."

"Rach, you are not going to screw up my niece. Not on my watch."

"You're not doing this alone," Phoebe said.

Rachel let out a groan as Monica and Phoebe continued to comfort her. Soon, she was joined by Ross, Joey and Chandler. She was grateful they were there but there was part of her that wanted them to leave. She wanted to be alone or with Ross. She kept remembering all that had been happening lately with them, their moments. Could this be a new chapter in their relationship? She hoped so.

Labor was the most difficult and most painful thing she had ever experienced. She had been waiting forever, she had lost track of the time, just that it was painful. Ross would not leave her side, he held her hand, kissed her, encouraged her. He was there. She kept pushing, kept screaming, kept crying.

"I can't do this," she cried, as Ross held her hand.

"You can do anything."

"I can't, can't."

"Hey, come on Green….you're stronger than you give yourself credit for."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are."

"No, I'm not. Shut up," she said, angrily.

"Okay….yes you are," Ross said.

"You're ugly," Rachel said.

"I know, yes you are."

"I hate you. Dumbass," Rachel groaned.

Ross laughed but still kept encouraging and she kept pushing and when that moment came, that moment, that wonderful sound of her baby crying….it felt like everything was coming together at that moment. After they cleaned the newborn and moved Rachel into a private room, she finally got hold her in her arms and could not stop crying. She looked up at Ross, smiling as he leaned in to give her a kiss. Everything about her new baby was perfect.

"Look what we did," Rachel said.

"She's gorgeous," Ross said.

"We need to name her."

"I know."

"Oh, G-d….I'm someone's mom," Rachel cried.

"She's the luckiest girl in the world," Ross said.

"With parents like us."

"We will figure it out."

"I hope so."

"Hey," Monica knocked at the door as Rachel and Ross looked up towards the door, "can we come in?"

"Yeah," Rachel said as the others walked in and surrounded them.

"She looks so beautiful. Ross, you sure this kid is yours," Joey teased.

"What's her name?" Phoebe asked.

"We still don't know. I don't know….Ross, what are we going to do?" Rachel asked. "I wanted Brian for a boy but we never landed on a girl's name."

"You'll think of something," Monica said.

"Easy for you to say, you've had your kids names picked out when you were like four," Ross said.

"Really?" Rachel asked.

"Yeah….I told you," Monica said.

"I don't remember," Rachel said.

Monica let out a sigh as she looked at Chandler and back at Rachel, "for a girl...I had wanted the name, Emma."

"Oh," Rachel said and looked back down at her baby and it hit her. Her baby was an Emma. She was an Emma but it was Monica's name, she couldn't take it. She couldn't….but-

"Take it," Monica said.

"What?" Rachel asked and looked at Monica who seemed to have read her mind.

"She's clearly an Emma."

"But you love that name," Rachel said.

"I love you more."

"Thank you, Mon," Rachel said.

"So…..everyone meet, Emma Green," Ross said.

"No, Ross….Emma Geller-Green," Rachel said, giving him a look. He gave her a look she had not seen in sometime, a look of love that he had given her when they had first dated.

"Thank you," Ross whispered.

"Can we hold her?" Joey asked. Rachel nodded and Ross took Emma from Rachel and handed her to Joey. Rachel watched as the little girl was passed along, from Joey to Monica to Phoebe and finally, Chandler. Each friend taking their moment with her and Rachel watching them closely as they gazed at Emma.

"Hey, little Emma. I'm your Uncle Chandler. I will be the best uncle ever. I swear...when your parents and aunt Monica drive you nuts, you find me, kid."

"Oh, G-d...our child is gonna cover our cars with peanut butter," Rachel grinned.

"No, no...I'll start her off small. Little pranks. Like whoopie cushions and stuff. The big pranks will come later," Chandler said, shaking his head.

"She'll be lucky," Rachel said.

"You're gonna be a great uncle," Phoebe said.

"And a fantastic father," Monica said.

"Really?" Rachel asked, looking from Monica to Chandler. She knew Chandler had been wanting kids and Monica had always wanted kids but she didn't know they had made a decision.

"Seriously?" Ross asked.

"Yeah...Mon and I are gonna start trying," Chandler said, "we're gonna give you a cousin, Emma...she's beautiful, Rach. Oh and Emma, we going to have to start watching movies...soon. No niece of mine is going to grow up without knowing Charlie Chaplin or Buster Keaton."

"Monica's right. You're gonna be an amazing father, Chandler," Rachel said.

"Thanks. Wow, she's gorgeous. Thank G-d, she only takes after Rachel," Chandler grinned as he gently handed Emma back to Rachel. Rachel could not stop staring at her. She could not let her go and she never wanted to.

Soon, the others cleared out and Rachel was alone with Emma. She was exhausted but she could barely sleep. Everytime she closed her eyes, she opened them and kept looking at Emma sleeping soundly next to her. She had Ross' eyes, those huge brown eyes. Rachel loved that, it was simply wonderful.

"Can we come in?"

Rachel lifted her head up and was surprised to see Carol standing by the door, holding Ben's hand. Ben was now seven, small and blonde. He clung to Carol's hand, looking shyly at Rachel.

"Hi, Ben," Rachel said.

"Hi, Rachel," Ben said.

"Ross called and we thought that Ben should meet his new step-sister," Carol said.

"Of course," Rachel said, struggling to get up out of bed.

"Is that her?" Ben asked, pointing at her.

"Yes," Rachel said as Carol lifted Ben onto the bed. Rachel picked up Emma helped Ben hold her, gently moving his hands and guiding him.

"Hi, Emma. She's pretty," Ben said.

"Thank you," Rachel said.

"I can't believe you two have a kid," Carol said.

"I know. Crazy," Rachel said.

"Can I ask you something? Maybe it's none of my business and maybe I'm crossing a line but….why aren't you together? I mean, look, Ross…..you've always been his first choice. Even when we were going out. He had a picture of you on his wall in college. Chandler used to make fun of it, a lot," Carol mused which made Rachel laugh.

"I'm sure he did. Carol, you can ask and I don't know. I mean, when he was with you….did he ever get crazy jealous or arrogant?" Rachel asked.

"I think I may have screwed him up a little. I should have never married him. I knew, obviously….I questioned my sexuality before I walked down the aisle. Monica even asked at my bachelorette party if I was a lesbian. I should have done what you did….well, I should have called it off but don't….I think you two….fit."

"We can't figure it out though and that's the problem and now we have a child and….how is this….how…"

Carol gently patted Rachel's back as she stared at Ben continuing to hold Emma in his arms. She began crying, watching them. She cried because of the sweetness but she also cried because looking at both of them, she saw the complications both sets of their of their parents and laid out for them. They were innocent and it just didn't seem fair or maybe it was. She wasn't sure.

Ross walked in the room and noticed Carol and Rachel standing there and watched Ben holding Emma. He gently wrapped his arms around both women and kissed each of them on the head as they watched Ben still holding Emma and smiling at her.

"You two need to figure it out," Carol whispered.

"Yeah, that we do," Rachel said.

"Thank you," Ross said, "both of you….thank you. For giving me them. They're perfect."

Rachel looked at him and gave him a kiss and they continued to gaze upon Ben and Emma. There would be time to deal with complications later, time to talk about feelings and emotions but right now was not that time. Right now, it was just time to be parents.


	54. Chapter 54

**May 2002-October 2002**

She was still in the hospital, slightly bored. She could nap but she was almost too tired to sleep and every single time she closed her eyes, she imagined someone taking Emma away from her so she refused to sleep. Instead she flipped through the stations, stopping on The Oprah Winfrey Show. Oprah's guest looked slightly familiar. His name was Dan and he was on the show talking about his boyfriend who died nine years earlier from swallowing pills. As she read the bio of the guest on the screen, her mouth dropped: "DAN: SAYS BOYFRIEND BRIAN DIED AFTER BUYING DRUGS FROM KNOWN MOBSTER." She sat up straighter, now realizing what was going on. Dan was Brian's boyfriend, she had only met him that one time when she had applied to Saks Fifth Avenue. Brian really had kept her separate from his personal life, she was starting to realize that now. He really had kept her away from the darker parts.

"So, you're saying your boyfriend hid his sexuality?" Oprah asked.

"Yes, one person knew but she never said anything. I don't think she did. She was a good friend of Brian's but she was dating his brother at the time so he kept her as separate as he could. He couldn't tell his family. The truth came out after he died and his family pretends he never existed."

"That's horrible," Oprah said.

"Yes but….yeah… he was never a drug addict. He killed himself after….well, he had a falling out with the female friend and he came back after the fight and then we fought and broke up. He cut himself off from everyone and-"

"He bought drugs from a mobster?"

"Christopher Moltisanti. Tony Soprano's nephew. I've been wanting to dig deeper into what happened and how he got the drugs….he had never touched them before and then suddenly-"

"Oh my G-d," Rachel said, putting her hand over her mouth. She looked over at her sleeping newborn and took a deep breath, "Hey, Em….I know this is asking a lot but if you could suddenly learn how to talk right now, that would be awesome."

Her eyes were glued to the television. Dan described the last night he has spoken to Brian. Brian had gone to a party on Long Island (the party where she and Barry got engaged), he had a huge fight with his friend (herself) because Brian believed the friend (herself) didn't want to marry his brother. Then Brian left and came back to the city and complained to him about the falling out which led to a fight between Brian and Dan which caused them to break up. Rachel was never referred to by name, simply as "the girl" or "the friend". Then Brian disappeared and was discovered a month and a half later by the friend (herself). Dan began researching the death and found some mob ties attached and he wanted Christopher brought to justice for selling drugs to Brian. Her mind was still fuzzy, still clouded but she knew. Christopher, that was Joey's cousin.

"So, I saw some baby just going to town on some chick's boobies. It was awesome," Joey said, walking in. Rachel looked at him, pretty sure the color had completely drained from her face. Joey looked at her and Rachel looked back at the television where Dan was continuing to tell his story to Oprah. She noticed Joey was watching now too. She felt sick.

"Oh, G-d," Joey said.

"Brian bought drugs from your cousin."

"Rachel."

"I knew he wasn't an addict. He….oh G-d. Joey, did you know?"

"I don't-"

"Please don't lie to me."

"When did Brian pass away?" Joey asked.

"Summer of 1993," Rachel said.

"I was living with Chandler."

"No you weren't. Not yet. You didn't move in until the fall. Where you before? And-and you moved into an apartment knowing you couldn't afford the rent and Chandler would have to pay it. Where did you live before?"

"L.A."

"You came home, Shane was dead and where did you stay?"

"I don't talk wanna about this."

"I do. Did you give him drugs?"

"No. No, I did not. Please believe me, I did not," Joey said as he sat on the bed and stared at her as she cried.

"Please tell me what happened."

"Okay….but I don't….Shane passed away in 1990. I was back in New York and I spent a three years couch surfing and one of the last couches I crashed on was my cousin, Christopher's and um….one day, this guy came by saying he wanted some drugs and Christopher sold them to him. I didn't think much of it until I was watching the news a few weeks later and there was a report on a dead body found in an apartment in the city and I put it together. I didn't know, please, please know that I didn't know. After, I got into a fight with Christopher and asked and then I found an apartment that I couldn't afford and moved in with Chandler. I needed to get out of there. I am so sorry, Rachel," Joey said, he was crying as well.

Rachel wasn't sure what she should feel. She thought she should feel anger, but she couldn't. She felt almost sorry for him. She had never really seen him be vulnerable with her. He was always so guarded.

"It's okay," Rachel said, gently touching his face.

"It is?"

"Yeah, Joe. I know it wasn't you."

"I didn't want that life. I ran from that life. Although, I will tell you something. Dan," Joey said, pointing to the television, "he's dead."

"Really?"

"If it hasn't happened already."

"Can you get it called off?"

"I-I don't think so."

"Please? Try?"

"I'll try. I'll say it was nine years ago and he's just bitter and forget about him. I'll try, but I can't promise anything."

"Thank you."

"Anything for you, Rach."

"Does Chandler know? When you moved in and couldn't pay rent or utilities, what did you tell him?"

"Just that I couldn't pay it because I hadn't worked enough. I didn't tell him anything specific and he did ask a couple times in the beginning why I would move to a place that I couldn't afford and I said I needed to get away from some stuff and after awhile, he stopped asking."

"You owe him a lot of money."

"I know," Joey said, laughing.

"Like I bet it's like six figures."

"It is. Chandler and I figured it out. It's somewhere in the range of two hundred and thirty grand."

"Wow," Rachel said, shaking her head.

"I'm sorry, Rachel. I really. I never wanted that life for myself, that's why I left. I'm sorry. I didn't know. I wish I had, I would have told Brian to get the hell out and go find you. Who would want to leave you?"

"Joe."

Rachel smiled as the two stared at each other. A strange feeling seemed to rise up within her. She almost felt like she wanted to kiss him. She leaned and kissed him on the cheek. He smiled at her as he got up and shook his head.

"I should go, I just wanted...I...I'll go find the boobies again," Joey said as he stumbled towards a chair and pulled a jacket off the back of the chair when she noticed a box fall on the floor. She watched as Joey picked it up and turned around. Rachel let out a gasp as she looked at the ring Joey had. It was the most gorgeous diamond ring she had ever seen.

"Yes," Rachel said, without really thinking. Joey looked confused.

"Excuse me?" Ross asked, standing in the doorway. Rachel jumped and noticed Ross. She realized what she was doing and looked back at Joey. What did she just do?

"What….oh, Rach-I-" Joey kept stuttering.

"What are you doing?" Ross asked.

"Ross," Rachel said.

"Did you just propose?" Ross asked.

"No, no," Joey said, standing up but still holding onto the ring.

"You just proposed," Rachel said.

"No, I didn't."

"But-" Rachel said.

"No, Ross is proposing," Joey said.

"What?" Rachel asked.

"What? I'm not proposing," Ross said. "You just….and Rach, you just said yes?"

"No, no….no….I-I'm gonna go," Joey said, walking towards Ross, handing him the ring before walking off. Rachel lay there, staring at Ross still very confused by what had just happened. Did Joey propose? Was Ross? Did she just get engaged? She looked back at the television. Oprah was talking. Did Oprah hear any of this? Maybe she had an opinion? She looked back at Ross.

"You and Joey are getting married?" Ross asked.

"No, no...don't be ridiculous."

"You just said yes," Ross said.

"I-I-I don't know. I'm tired and he was there with a ring and-I'm-I don't know….were you going to propose."

"No."

"So, you just carry around rings just in case the mood strikes you?" Rachel asked.

"No."

"Ross, why do you have a ring?"

"Why did you say yes to Joey?"

"You first."

"You said yes."

"It was….I-why do you have a ring? Rachel asked. "Were you going to ask me to marry you?"

"No," Ross said.

"Okay?" Rachel was very confused.

"Okay….I thought about proposing. I wanted to propose...I want-well, do you wanna marry me?" Ross asked.

"No."

"'Cause you're married to Joey?"

"No….I'm...okay you had a ring in your pocket. Joey dropped it on the ground and I'm tired and I'm trying to absorb a lot of information. I said yes because I just did….I don't love Joey. It meant nothing…..but you proposing would mean something and you're proposing because we had a baby and we live together but still haven't fixed us and I want to fix us Ross. I want to make us work before we get married….again. Don't you see? I love you so much and if we get divorced….again….I won't be able to blame it on being drunk in Vegas. I want us to work."

"I understand. You don't love Joey?"

"Did you hear what I just said?" Rachel asked.

"Yes. I did. Well, how about this," Ross said, handing her the ring, "hold on to it. When you are ready, when you think we're ready, give it back to me and I'll take care of the rest."

Rachel took the ring and stared at it. It was a gorgeous diamond. Princess cut, stunning. She kept trying to take everything in. Everything was just so overwhelming. She had just had a baby and she was learning about what happened with Brian in addition to being proposed to or not being proposed to. She could feel herself choking up again and let her tears flow. She just needed to cry. Cry and nap…..Ross kept holding her, kissing her and comforting her.

She was so happy to finally bring Emma home. She was happy to be with her daughter, stay with her and be near her. She was on maternity leave so she spent a lot of time at home with Emma. Being with Emma took priority over any other drama with the group. Joey and Ross had fought over what had happened in the hospital and while she wanted to care, she just could not bring herself to care at all. All she wanted to do was sit and watch her baby as she hit one monthly milestone after the other. Chandler was going to move to Tulsa for work, which was stupid but Emma was starting to grow and she tried to design clothes for her little girl. She thought maybe she would know how to make them. She had wanted to find out more about Dan and Brian but she kept forgetting. Emma was more important.

Soon it was October and Emma was five months old. Phoebe had decided to come over to visit as she was the only one of the group who had a work schedule flexible enough to allow for frequent visits and Rachel loved those. She got to have grown up conversations about grown up things.

"I can't believe he moved to Tulsa," Phoebe said. Chandler had officially left for Tulsa for work the night before.

"I can't believe you shoved him out the door."

"He moved to Tulsa….I mean-can I tell you something? He makes it very hard for me to keep liking him."

"Pheebs."

"He keeps abandoning us," Phoebe said. Rachel squeezed Phoebe's hand, understanding exactly what she was saying. Phoebe knew abandonment better than anyone and Rachel knew that. She was familiar with being abandoned and Chandler kept leaving, kept vanishing. Whether he was in the grips of drug addiction or leaving for Tulsa, he kept leaving and Rachel knew Phoebe was taking it personally.

"He still adores you."

"I know. He should quit his damn job."

"He should….so Pheebs, tell me about your date?" Rachel asked.

"His name is Mike and he and Joey have never met. He set me up with a stranger."

"He had no idea who Mike was?"

"None. I set him up with my friend, Sue Ellen and he set me up with a stranger."

"Will you go out with him again? Mike?"

"I don't know. It's weird….but I like him. I actually like this guy. Except-well-"

"What?"

"I like him…..like really like him."

"So? That's good," Rachel said, she had never heard Phoebe talk about a guy like this. Especially one she had just met and it was a little strange that she seemed so nervous.

"When do I unleash the crazy?"

"What crazy?"

"Come on….I mean, anytime I've gone out with a guy, I've kept my past very well hidden and then if I tell him a little….and then he runs. I know it's way too soon but Rachel, I just get this feeling that if I tell him-"

"I love your story."

"You do?"

"Yeah. I mean, it's a horrible story. Awful and painful and I wish every single day that I could go back in time to when you robbed Olivia's and just have given you clothes or been nicer to you. You fought back. You overcame so much to get to this point…..you're unbelievable and if that makes a guy run then he's an asshole."

"Thanks."

"I also would wait a few months, you know...see how it goes," Rachel joked. Phoebe laughed and reached towards Emma who was sitting on Rachel's lap. Phoebe picked up Emma and placed Emma on her lap. Rachel noticed her friend look a little sad.

"Are you okay, Pheebs?"

"Hmmm, I don't know. I'm lonely, I guess. I feel like everyone has someone and I've never had anyone...or anyone serious...even David, the Scientist Guy, didn't last long. I hope this one works."

"It will. I mean, who wouldn't love you Pheebs," Rachel said. Phoebe let out a sigh.

"Can we watch?" Phoebe asked, motioning towards the television. Rachel reached for the remote and turned on Days of Our Lives. Joey has a major plotline which both she and Phoebe loved.

After Phoebe left, Rachel reached for the phone. She dialed and was happy to reach Chandler. She felt she needed to complain to him and tell him he was an idiot. He really screwed things up by moving to Tulsa for work, for a job he hated.

"Why don't you quit?" Rachel asked him.

"I can't quit. I'm...Monica and I wanna start a family."

"And not being the same state as her will help speed that up?" Rachel asked.

"I can't quit...we need money."

"You have a trust fund," Rachel stressed, it was just so dumb.

"I can't...that's for when the kids wanna go to school. What about for the other stuff, like when they wanna eat and-and people like to do that at least three times a day and I've heard that it's more than three times a day for a children," Chandler said.

"You forced me to quit my job. I'd still be a waitress if it wasn't for you."

"No, they would've fired you eventually," Chandler remarked.

"Take the leap, Chandler. Find something you love to do...I'd always thought you'd be good at advertising," Rachel said, purposely ignoring the dig.

"Advertising?"

"Yeah, you're a pretty good salesman."

"When have I ever sold anything?" Chandler asked.

"Okay, you were able to convince Phoebe to name a child after you...and even though you walked out on Monica before your wedding...you were still able to convince her to marry you-"

"That's 'cause I'm crafty and me walking out before the wedding was not because I didn't wanna marry Monica. She knows that. It was just 'cause I don't always deal things well."

"Okay, alright, the fact that we're still your friends after you did that, after we spent three months making sure you didn't die in a pool of your own vomit...and you still convinced us to stick with you...yeah,. I think you should look into that."

"Maybe, I don't know. I just...I'm..I can't quit now-"

"And by the way, your company sounds awful. I was talking to one of my supervisors about you and she pointed out how ridiculous it was that they basically forced you to go without giving you the chance to discuss it with your wife and they're not giving you a raise or a place to stay. Who's paying for your hotel?"

"Me."

"Chandler."

"How are things with you?" Chandler asked.

"Home. Joey and Ross are…."

"They're becoming the new Joey and Chandler?"

"No, no….they will never beat Jandler."

"Chanoey."

"After the proposal, it just sort of got dropped….which I guess is good and Ross and I are getting along. I need you back here. I need my lunch buddy."

"I know."

Rachel let out a sigh as the conversation continued. As he talked, she looked at the television that was always on recently. She became distracted by a breaking news report. She began paying attention to the news instead. They had discovered a body and they believed that it had been a mob hit. Then they showed a picture of the victim. It was Dan. She gasped.

"Oh my G-d," Rachel said.

"What?" Chandler asked.

"Nothing. Nothing….just something on the news shocked me a little."

"What?"

"Brian's boyfriend. He died and the police say it was a mob hit."

"Maybe it was one of Joey's relatives," Chandler said, clearly joking.

"Maybe. Chandler, how much do you know about Joey's past….before he moved in?"

"Not a lot. I know he's related to the Sopranos. He tells us what he wants to tell us. I think he protects us from a lot of the information but…."

"Yeah. I agree."

"I gotta go, Rach. Work."

"Stay on the phone with me and quit," Rachel said.

"Bye, Rach."

They hung up and Rachel kept watching. She got up and walked over to Ross' computer. She logged on and immediately started researching. She had never been very good with computers but she was motivated. She typed in Joey's name. She typed in Brian's name and then got Dan's last name. She kept looking up information, the only breaks she took were to look after Emma. It was all so fascinating, so strange.

"Hey, Rach," Ross said as he walked in the door. She jumped at the sound of his voice. She didn't realize how long she had been at the computer. It was now dark outside.

"Hey….what are you….what-"

"The day is over."

"Oh my G-d."

"Have you been on the computer all day?"

"Part of it. Researching Joey."

"Getting ready for your wedding?"

"It's been five months, let it go."

"We were on a break," Ross grinned as he walked up behind Rachel and gently began massaging her shoulders.

"And you wonder why I would say yes to Joey," Rachel mused.

"I don't wonder. He's sexy."

"I'm glad you're getting along better."

"Yeah, well...with Chandler in Tulsa, neither one of us have anyone else to play with," Ross mused, "are you thinking of joining the mob?"

"No. Ross….Joey's cousin is Christopher Moltisanti. Tony Soprano's nephew and when I was in the hospital, I was watching Oprah and Brian's boyfriend was on it talking about how Brian bought the drugs he used to kill himself from Christopher. Brian died in the summer of 1993, a couple months before Joey moved in with Chandler. Joey was staying with Christopher when Brian bought the drugs."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah….Joey told me and now Brian's boyfriend is dead and…..wow…." Rachel said as she got up and walked towards where Emma was starting to get a little fussy. She picked Emma up from her crib and began holding her, rocking her as Ross sat down at the computer. He began reading.

"Wow….maybe you could marry him. You'd be mafia wife," Ross mused as Rachel walked towards him.

"I'm not marrying him, jackass, but it gives an insight into Joey. He does hide a lot from his past, you know? Think about it. Obviously, you, Mon and I know everything about each other but the other three? Chandler, Phoebe and Joey…..we know everything about Chandler's past, everything about Phoebe's past….what about Joey?" Rachel asked.

"I don't know," Ross said as Rachel handed Emma to Ross. She grabbed and chair and pulled it up next to Ross as they continued to play internet detectives. It made her realize how little she and Ross had really hung out in the last five months, despite living together. They were having fun, laughing, looking up chat rooms and playing. Being a family together…..having fun together.


	55. Chapter 55

October-December 2002

She had thought about bringing up all this information with Joey but at the end of the day, both she and Ross decided to keep it quiet. Maybe it would be best if he didn't know just how far she and Ross had dug. She turned her focus back to Emma, to enjoy her months of maternity leave. For Emma's first Halloween, Rachel had transformed her daughter into Raggedy Ann, complete with a little dress she had made and a red wig. There was a part of her that contemplated not going back to work, although she knew she would have to go back eventually.

A few days after Halloween, she was hanging out with Monica and Phoebe to keep Monica company while Chandler was in Tulsa. Monica was happily playing with Emma as Phoebe was talking about Mike. It was so sweet how Phoebe was talking about Mike. Rachel had never known Phoebe to talk like this about a guy and she loved it, loved that her friend was actually letting herself fall for a guy and Mike seemed very nice, slightly quirky and a good fit for Phoebe.

"He's kinda sweet," Phoebe said, grinning from ear to ear.

"Awww, you like him," Monica said.

"And guess what else? He knows Chandler. They went to high school together," Phoebe said.

"Oh my G-d," Monica said, giving Rachel a look.

"Did you know that?" Phoebe asked.

"I didn't know him in high school," Monica said.

"Yeah, Mon and I only had that one run in," Rachel said.

"Oh...he remembered Sally Disisa Corvette. Mike was there when Chandler got the car."

"That was an amazing car," Rachel mused, she really did love that car and there was a part of her that felt slightly responsible for being the one who put it out into the universe that Chandler would crash his car.

"I drove it once on the freeway," Monica said.

"He let you do that?" Rachel asked.

"No, no...it was when he got wasted at a frat party and left me alone on the couch and I was so furious that I left, took his car and took it for a spin. He was not happy," Monica grinned.

Rachel shook her head. Chandler really had been as asshole during his college years, according to the stories she had heard from Monica and Ross. While she would forever regret dumping Monica as her friend during that time, she was glad she had not known Chandler or really interacted with him all that much. She liked who he had turned into which was so far removed from the guy he used to be.

"So wait, Joey's set up worked," Rachel said.

"Yeah, although I'm still pissed. Who does that?" Phoebe asked.

"It's Joey," Rachel shrugged. Although she wasn't sure how true that was anymore. She wasn't really sure how much she knew about Joey.

"Joey's a dad," Monica blurted out.

"Excuse me?" Rachel asked, shocked. What did Monica say? Joey was a dad? She looked at Phoebe and then at Monica.

"Okay, alright….you cannot say a word. Neither one of you, we are going to tell Joey this weekend but okay….Lizzie lives in Tulsa and she and Chandler had dinner together," Monica said.

"He had dinner with her?" Rachel asked, not sure if she should be mad that Chandler had dinner with his ex-girlfriend or maybe dismiss it. She could yell at him about it later.

"I got mad at first too...but I trust him. Well, okay, Lizzie cheated on him. That's why they broke up and Chandler found out that Lizzie had a daughter with the guy she cheated on Chandler with. Chandler found out at this dinner that the daughter is Joey's," Monica said.

"Noooooooo," Rachel said. She was knowing more and more about Joey with each passing month.

"Oh my G-d," Phoebe said. "And Joey has no clue."

"None. Apparently, Lizzie tried to call Joey to tell him and-"

"He never called her back," Rachel finished.

"Yep," Monica said, "and here's another thing. I was catering in college and I catered some party for an acting class and Lizzie was there and she was all over this one actor guy and I have put it together and that the actor guy-"

"-was Joey," Phoebe finished.

"Yeah, 'cause Chandler was in Israel with Ross and was gone all summer and that was the summer Lizzie apparently cheated with Joey and when Chandler and Ross got back, Chandler and Lizzie broke up. That was the 'oh crap' moment when Chandler said he loved her and she said, 'oh crap'...I mean, this is...I've been holding this in all week and I'm about to explode but Joey's a dad." Monica said.

"And Lizzie is coming this weekend?" Rachel asked.

"Yeah and the four of us are going out for dinner but before the dinner, Chandler is going to tell Joey because we don't want him walking into this but...yeah," Monica said as Phoebe and Rachel sat in stunned silence.

When she returned home, Ross was working on something at his computer. He looked up when she walked in. Rachel walked towards him as he reached for Emma.

"How was girl's night?" Ross asked as he placed Emma on his lap. Rachel grabbed a chair and sat next to him.

"Fun. What did you do?"

"Lesson plans," Ross said.

"Sounds exciting."

"You have no idea. "

"So Chandler had dinner with Lizzie in Tulsa," Rachel said.

"Really? So do I have to kill him?" Ross asked. Rachel let out a snort and shook her head as she looked at him. Did he really think Chandler would cheat on Monica?

"Chandler? Really? He's not Joey…..or you," Rachel said.

"We were on a break."

"I'm going to punch you in the head."

"So he had dinner with Lizzie."

"Yes and you probably know more about the Lizzie and Chandler story than I do-"

"She cheated on him and they broke up….and he said 'I love you' and she responded with 'oh crap'. It's my favorite part of the story."

"You boys are always so sweet to each other."

"I know, right," Ross said. "But you weren't they, he put her through a lot."

"Was he really that bad of a boyfriend?"

"He had a big sense of entitlement back then. Like he felt everyone owed him something. He's gotten over that, but he-she took care of him even more than I did. He was kind of an ass. Still hysterically funny, but still an ass."

"Wow. Anyway, Lizzie had a kid with the guy she cheated on Chandler with. She tried to call the guy when she got knocked up, but he never called back, turns out...the guy was Joey Tribbiani."

"Are you kidding me?" Ross asked, his eyes widening.

"Joey's a father."

"When-when-"

"When you and Chandler were in Israel apparently and she dated a guy in her acting class."

"Wow, I feel like I'm uncovering so much about Joey Tribbiani."

"I know."

"Joey has no clue."

"None and when Chandler comes back from Tulsa, he and Monica are having a double date with Joey and Lizzie and…."

"Can we come?" Ross asked.

"I didn't ask."

"Why not?"

"I should've….although, least dramatic couple of the moment," Rachel said, motioning to herself and Ross. He laughed as the two high fived each other.

"Go us."

"I like living with you Ross. It's fun. It's easier than I thought."

"Yeah, I know. Even though you love Joey more."

"I think I need to start smacking you around more," Rachel mused as she picked Emma off Ross' lap and placed her in her crib. She soon felt Ross' arms around her waist as he leaned into her ear.

"We were on a break," Ross whispered.

"You weren't spanked enough as a child," Rachel muttered as Ross kissed her neck. She turned to look at Ross.

"Someone's horny," Rachel said.

"You've amazed me these last six months. You are incredible."

"Thank you," Rachel said, melting under his intense gaze.

"See, I told you that you'd be an amazing mom. You are unbelievable."

"Thank you."

"Do you…." Ross said, motioning towards his bedroom. "Well, we've been on a very long break," Ross whispered. She smiled and grabbed Ross' hand and pulled him into his room. They looked at each other and moved into kiss.

"Say we weren't on a break," Rachel whispered.

"Never."

"We weren't on a break."

"We were," Ross said as she gently smacked his bottom. "We were on a break." To which she spanked him again.

"We were not on a break," she said as she sat on the bed and grabbed his hand. He lay across her lap as he once again told her they were on a break and she kept spanking him. Each time he said they were on a break, she'd spank him more.

Soon, he sat up and gently pushed her on the bed. The two continued to kiss and tear at each other. It had been so long that the heat between them took them over. She loved those moments between her and Ross. It felt easy, comfortable and when they were done, they lay side by side, holding each other but saying nothing. She hoped it would always remain that easy.

She wanted to check in with Joey when he found out about Lizzie and his daughter. She found Joey in his apartment a few days after he had found out. She brought Emma to visit him as he sat in his chair, staring at the television.

"Hey, Joe."

"Hey."

"So….you're a dad?" Rachel asked as she handed Emma to Joey and pulled up a chair and sat next to him.

"I can't-"

"What happened?" Rachel asked. "Do you remember?"

"I'm trying. It was 1989. Summer and….I took an acting class and there was this girl who was hot-"

"Did she say she had a boyfriend?" Rachel asked.

"No. No, not at all. We had an amazing summer, but then I went to Los Angeles and broke off all contact and….she's twelve years old. Lauren. That's my daughter's name. Why didn't Lizzie ever tell me?"

"Apparently she tried. You never called her back, Joe."

"So this is my fault?"

"Well, kinda…..you never called her. I'm sure she called more than once."

"She cheated on her boyfriend."

"Yeah, and knowing what I know about Chandler and Lizzie's relationship in college, I don't blame her and wonder what took her so long. He was a horrible boyfriend to her. Ross was telling me that he put her through emotional hell and that even Chandler would agree he was an awful boyfriend. He also he cheated on her. He kissed me, remember I told you "

"I have a child."

"You do."

"What am I going to do?"

"Does Lauren know?"

"No. Liz hasn't told her so Lauren basically thinks she has a deadbeat dad. I don't….what do I do?"

"Return her phone calls? Call her back."

"I guess."

"And….you know, Dan was killed."

"Dan?"

"Brian's boyfriend. The one that was on Oprah who said that Brian bought drugs from Christopher. I thought you were going to talk to Christopher."

"I did."

"Well?"

"Didn't work."

"Why not?"

"Because you don't go on national television and tell the world that a mobster killed your boyfriend and then give the name of the mobster. I did go talk to Christopher, he told me to go fuck myself."

"Great. But Dan's whole motive was to have someone pay for Brian's death so…..I mean, my best friend died because of your cousin."

"No, your best friend is dead because he's a moron who bought drugs off a mobster because he got his panties in a bunch after a fight and so he decided to to be an ass and take his own life."

Rachel glared at him, "way over the line, Joe. Way too far."

"I'm sorry."

"No, you're not."

"I am."

"You know, Ross and I did research on you."

"You did?"

"Yep. We um looked you up on the internet and we looked up Tony Soprano and….we found out stuff."

"I wish you hadn't done that."

"Why not? We know so little about your past and how you grew up."

"I like it that way."

"We're your friends, we wanna know. Just like how we know everything about Phoebe and Chandler's lives growing up. What about you?" Rachel said.

"'Cause I've done a lot of crap I'm not proud of. I've made a lot of mistakes and you guys see me in one way and I want to keep it that way."

"I'm not going to change how I think of you. I will always think you're sweet and kind and one of my favorite people….and a pig who should have called Lizzie back."

"Well, there are a lot of women I haven't called back. What if I have like a basketball team out there or something? Should I call every woman I've ever slept with and ask if they have children."

"Don't do that."

"Okay….and if I had known that the reason Brian wanted the drugs, I would have done something. I just thought-"

"It's okay,"

Joey smiled as he played with Emma some more. She watched them closely as they played. She thought a lot about what she had been learning about Joey and it amazed her and was curious to see how he would react to this latest development in his life. He was now a father.

Emma's first Christmas meant Rachel's maternity leave would soon be ending. It had been an amazing seven months but she was definitely looking forward to going back. She missed her job, her co-workers although she wasn't sure how she would handle not spending the day with her daughter, it would be nice to get back. Now, she would just enjoy the holidays, enjoy being surround by friends or at least some of them. Chandler was still in Tulsa.

"You're all giddy," Rachel grinned as she sat with Phoebe and Emma. Phoebe was telling her about Mike and how he was planning something for them. She was so happy for Phoebe and Mike.

"I know and he said for New Years, he has something special planned," Phoebe said.

"Awwww...I'm so going to live vicariously through you. My husband won't be here for New Years," Monica said as she walked towards Phoebe and Rachel.

"Who am I gonna be with for New Years? I'm a thirty two year old single mother," Rachel said.

"We'll just kiss each other," Monica joked.

"What?" Joey asked, suddenly perking up from across the room where he was staring out the window.

"Nothing, Joey," Rachel said. "You know, Mon...why doesn't Chandler just quit this damn job? I mean, he hates his job. He's hated his job for...how long has he had it?"

"Eleven years," Monica said.

"Wow and he's in Tulsa for a job he hates and that company just seems like an awful company to work for. I mean, they forced him to move without a raise and they...I don't know," Rachel said.

"He's a coward, that's why he won't quit," Phoebe said.

"Phoebe, you have to be nice to Chandler in 2003," Monica said, letting out a sigh.

"Yeah, you don't like Chandler anymore," Rachel said, teasing.

"I do too. I like Chandler," Phoebe said.

"No, you don't," Joey grinned.

"Yeah, you hate him," Ross said as he walked towards the chair and sat down.

"What? Wait, do you all think I hate Chandler?" Phoebe asked to which the rest of them all said yes to. Phoebe let out a sigh and continued, "Okay...but seriously...alright, let me ask you. I asked Mon this when Emma was born. He ran out before the wedding. He has screwed us all over many times. How do you guys forgive him? Don't give me, 'oh, I just do.'"

Rachel let Phoebe's question sink in. She did forgive Chandler. She just did.

"You know, I was thinking about that...I mean, it really sucked what he did but and...here's my thing, we always make comparisons between you and Chandler and we say how you two are so similar because of how sucky your backgrounds are but they're really not similar. You had to learn survival skills, Pheebs. You had to learn how to live to see the next day so you could take the crap and just put it aside because you had to find something to eat or whatever...Chandler had no one protecting him. That's why he keeps pulling this crap. It's how he protects himself. It's why he keeps telling jokes. It's why he keeps trying to fuck things up with us. He's trying to protect himself," Rachel said.

"That's why I keep forgiving him," Joey said, "come on, he has screwed me over a lot. He hooked up with my sister, he kissed my girlfriend, he fell asleep at my movie premiere...he forgot to give me that message about the show I was on. He's fucked up with me a lot. But I'm not letting him push me away. He's my friend. My brother and that's it."

"That's how I look at it too. He keeps wanting to see how far he can push us because I think it would be easier for him to deal with us leaving. I disagree. I don't think he'd crumble if we'd all left, it's us staying that he's not sure how to deal with," Ross said.

"See...you just gotta look at it that way," Monica said.

"I do love him guys...it's just-" Phoebe said.

"Hey guys...it's snowing," Joey said, suddenly and soon the attention shifted to outside as they all gathered together and began watching the snow.

"Merry Christmas, you guys," Chandler said.

The group turned to look at him, stunned. Chandler was standing in the doorway. Monica ran to him and hugged him.

"It's a Christmas Miracle," Joey remarked.

"What are you doing here?" Monica asked.

"I quit," Chandler said.

"You finally quit your job?" Ross asked.

"Yep...it was a stupid job. Look, I love my life right now. I got the best wife, forgiving and patient friends...the most gorgeous niece in the world," Chandler said as he pointed to Emma sleeping soundly in her carrier, "and Em, we are still trying to get you a cousin...I've also been clean and sober for twenty months. But I hate that job. I've hated it for eleven years. I wanna be happy in every part of my life and that includes my job," Chandler said.

"I can't believe you finally quit," Rachel said, feeling so proud of him. Ir amazed her how different he was now than when she had first met him. There was a calmness to him that she loved. He was happy.

"I did," Chandler said.

"So what do you wanna do now?" Rachel asked.

"Not a clue," Chandler said. "But I know I don't wanna do that."

"Oh my G-d...I think I like you again," Phoebe said.

"Thanks, Phoebe," Chandler said as Monica kissed him again. The six then walked towards the window to watch the snow fall. They were complete.

"You actually just said you love your life right now?" Phoebe asked.

"Yeah...I mean, it's not good enough yet, but it's pretty damn close," Chandler said.

"Good. I'm sorry," Phoebe said.

"Me too," Chandler said as he hugged Phoebe and gently kissed her on the head. The group held onto each other as they continued to watch the snow. The moment was interrupted by the ringing of Joey's phone.

"It's Lizzie," Joey said.

"Oh...um, before you take that, I may have accidentally told Lauren that you were her dad," Chandler grinned.

"What?" Joey asked.

"Merry Christmas," Chandler said.

Joey glared at him as he flipped open his phone and put it up to his ear, "hey, Liz. What's up? Yeah, Chandler's here...he's enjoying the last few moments of his life. Yeah, he told me," Joey said as he walked off towards the kitchen table to continue talking to Lizzie. Phoebe's phone went off soon after.

"Mike," Phoebe grinned as she grabbed her phone and walked towards the couch and plopped down as she continued to talk to him. Rachel and Ross soon tired of watching the snow as well and walked towards Emma to look at her. She was sleeping soundly.

"I can't believe I'm going back to work. I'm gonna miss her."

"I know. I can't believe we've made it," Ross said.

"I know. We're parents."

"You're amazing."

"So are you," She said as he kissed the top of her head and she wrapped her arm around her waist. 2002 was ending well and who knew what 2003 would bring but with things going well with Ross and Emma being perfect, it seemed like everything would finally go as planned.


	56. Chapter 56

January 2003-February 2003

She was starting 2003 back at Ralph Lauren. It was painful leaving Emma. Those eight months of maternity leave, although ridiculously long, were the best eight months. She loved watching Emma grow and hit a new milestone each week, each month, but she was also excited to be back amongst adults.

"Happy hour?" Chelsea asked as she walked into Rachel's office on her first day back. She was getting herself situated, looking through all her missed emails as Chelsea sat across from her.

"Oh, I don't know. I'm a mom."

"All the more the reason to get drunk. Come on, you, me, Emily and Laura Jean. The four of us. We haven't hung out in eight months."

"It would be nice. Does it make me a bad mom, though?"

"No. You deserve a night out. Please?" Chelsea asked.

"Alright….let me call Ross."

"Are you two back together?" Chelsea asked.

"Nope."

"But you're living together."

"Yes."

"Okay, we need to get you laid."

"Honey, I did…..that's why I've been on maternity leave for eight months," Rachel retorted. Chelsea laughed as she filled Rachel in on the happy hour details before leaving her office. After Chelsea left, Rachel grabbed her phone and immediately dialed Ross' cell phone.

"Hey, Rach. What's up?"

"Are you busy?"

"About ready to head into a lecture."

"Oh….well, Chelsea invited me to a happy hour tonight after work with her and Emily and Laura Jean and I kinda wanna go. Is that okay?"

"Of course. Go."

"Really?"

"Yeah. You have fun, I'll hang out with Emma and Molly," Ross said. Molly was their new nanny.

"Molly has no interest in you," Rachel said.

"You don't know."

"Chandler told me she's a lesbian."

"Well, you know I'm a hit with the lesbians. I mean, my first wife was one."

Rachel laughed as she chatted a bit more with Ross before hanging up. It felt nice to be back to a routine. She was at work, interacting with the same people.

Happy Hour at Tortilla's Mexican Restaurant which involved many co-workers besides just Chelsea, Emily and Laura Jean. It had been so long since she had been surrounded by her colleagues, including a new guy. His name was Gavin and he had just started at Ralph Lauren, helping to fill in for Rachel while she was away. She wasn't sure how she felt about him. He seemed like a douche and liked to rile her up.

"So, eight months maternity leave?" Gavin asked as he handed her another margarita.

"Yes," Rachel said.

"Who did you have to sleep with to get that?" Gavin asked.

"Her ex-husband," Chelsea joked.

"Oh my G-d, Chelsea," Rachel laughed.

"Awww, did you get divorced after you had the child?"

"Before….way before," Rachel said.

"Yeah, they're now parents-with-benefits," Chelsea said.

"Stop drinking," Rachel said.

"Never, shot time," Chelsea said.

"No, Chels...Chelsea," Rachel yelled, but it was too late. Chelsea was already at the bar.

"She's fun," Gavin said.

"She's crazy."

"But seriously, eight months is a long time."

"It is. I don't regret it. She's amazing," Rachel said.

"So, what is this ex with benefits business?" Gavin said.

"None of your business," Rachel said when soon Chelsea walked towards them with shots. She reluctantly took one and drank. Everything about the evening felt so freeing. She knew she should have gone home. She knew she should have gone back to Ross and Emma but with each passing drink, she couldn't. She wasn't sure what was happening around her. She kept drinking, kept flirting and was having fun in her drunken haze. She was getting closer and closer to the edge.

It was a mistake, she was sure of it. She hated Gavin. She hated his arrogance, hated how he felt he was better than she was, but there was something about him, that arrogance felt familiar. She was drawn to it and with each drink, she became more and more attracted to it, to him. Soon they were kissing and soon it led to something else.

She woke up with a start at around six the next morning. Her cell phone was ringing and her head was pounding. She looked over at the sleeping figure next to her and her heart dropped. She had been out all night. She jumped out of bed, grabbed her clothes off the floor and threw them on. Gavin was still sound asleep when she ran out of the apartment and out of the building. Her phone kept going off, but she didn't want to answer it. She knew who it was. She knew exactly who it was.

When she finally arrived back at home, she took a deep breath and walked back inside. Ross was sitting on the couch. He stood immediately as she walked in.

"Welcome home."

"Ross."

"No, no...where the hell were you?"

"I was out….I had too much to drink and-"

"I have to be at NYU in 20 minutes for an 8am class."

"Who takes college classes at 8am?" Rachel asked, trying to diffuse the situation.

"Grow up and by the way, here are your messages," Ross said, shoving her a handful of paper. Rachel started glancing through them. On it were a bunch of phone numbers from guys she did not remember.

"Ross, come on," Rachel said as she tossed the paper on the couch. "Can we talk?"

"About what? I'm taking care of our child while you've been out doing….what's his name?"

"Are you kidding me? What do you think I've been doing for the last eight months? I've barely left our house for eight months and I spent one night-"

"Where were you?"

"At this new….we went out for drinks and this guy, Gavin who has been filling in for me was...we…"

"Did you hook up with him?"

"Yes."

"Great. So now you cheated."

"Wait, whoa...cheated? Are you fucking kidding me? You and I are not dating."

"We have a child."

"What the fuck are we?" Rachel asked, now getting angry. She was sick of this fighting. They needed a label. They needed to solve this.

"I don't know but I have to go to work and while I'm there, maybe I'll go pick up a girl at NYU."

"Haven't you done that already?"

Ross glared at her as he walked out the door. She let out a groan as she walked towards her room where Emma was still sound asleep. She knelt down and gazed at her sleeping infant and began crying. This was all so messed up. All of this. None of it made any sense. She and Ross were not together but they were living together. It was confusing and no longer seemed fair.

At work, she couldn't concentrate, still thinking about Ross and that fight. Her head hurt, as did every part of her. She kept staring at her computer when Gavin walked in and closed the door.

"You never said goodbye," Gavin said as he sat across from her.

"Gavin, we can't. It's….we work together."

"Didn't you date your assistant?"

"How did you know?"

"You told me last night."

"Oh G-d. Okay, yes….I did but my life has gotten way more complicated since then. I can't and it's not fair to drag you into my mess. I have….Ross and I have….we've dated, broken up, gotten married, divorced and now we have a child. It's not fair to you...to-last night was a mistake."

"Really? I thought it was fun."

"Yeah and it was….but...Gavin."

"I understand. Well, you should know that I got a new job. I'm going to be working in marketing at Macy's."

"Good. Thank you for filling in for me."

"Eight months."

"Shut up."

Gavin let out a laugh as he walked out of her office and she tried to get back to work. She needed to concentrate but she kept thinking about Ross. They needed to talk.

When she got home that night, he was sitting at his computer typing. He looked up when he saw her and then continued working.

"I thought you'd be club hopping tonight," Ross said.

"One night, Ross. One night in eight months. I have spent eight months with our child, I wanted one night."

"You got it."

"Nothing is happening between Gavin and I, okay. I'm sorry but we have to talk."

"What? You'll keep dating-"

"Oh fuck, Ross. Listen to me and stop being such a self righteous, arrogant prick."

"You're the one-"

"No, no, it meant nothing. It was one fucking night but you and I need to figure this out. This isn't fair anymore. It's not fair to me. It's not fair to you and most importantly, it's not fair to Emma. Should we get together? Should we get married? Why….this doesn't make sense anymore."

Ross kept staring at her. She knew that she had his full attention

"I don't know."

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She wasn't sure what to say but maybe it was for the best. Maybe they needed to be apart. Maybe….

"Maybe I should move back in with Joey," Rachel said.

"What?"

"Maybe….I need to move back in Joey."

"So you can date him?"

"Fuck you. No. So we can figure it out. We aren't going to figure it out living together. It's too hard and maybe right now, it's not good for us. We can't keep playing like this. We've got a kid."

She and Ross kept staring at each other. She felt her heart drop but maybe it was right. It was a good step. She needed to find out where she stood with Ross or where Ross stood with her. Maybe she needed to be away from him to figure it out.

Joey welcomed her back but she still felt sad. She wished it was easy with Ross. She wished it was like Monica and Chandler. She spent her days now going to and from work and she and Ross took turns taking care of Emma. It felt like they were now a divorced couple with a child.

"Come with me," Joey said as he walked into the apartment. It was the beginning of February now and Ross had Emma for the weekend.

"Where?"

"Come."

"Where?" Rachel asked, sounding more annoyed than she had intended. Joey let out a sigh and walked over to her.

"Alright, you know how you keep asking questions about my past?" Joey asked.

"Yes."

"My Uncle Tony is having a barbeque at his home in Jersey. You wanna be my date?"

"Yes," Rachel said, her eyes widening as she stood up. "Wait, is anyone else coming?"

"Nope. Just you and me."

"Yes, oh that will be so awesome. I'll be around mobsters, So cool," Rachel grinned. "Wait, wait….are you going to have me whacked because I am so not dressed for that."

"Come with me and here's the thing….do not mention anything about whacking or mafia or mobs….you're going to a barbeque."

"Can I at least ask what they do for a living?"

"They're not going to tell you that."

"Okay," Rachel grinned as she got up and followed Joey out the door. She was ridiculously excited, although she tried to contain herself. She was actually headed to a barbeque with mobsters. After the hour long train ride and the twenty minutes spent in a cab, they pulled up to a mansion with the most beautiful cars parked in the front. "

"Alright, we're here."

"Crap, Joe," Rachel said.

"And do not mention anything about Dan or Adriana being an i-n-f-o-u-r-m-e-n-t ."

"Did you just misspell informant?"

"What did I just say?"

"I'm sorry," Rachel said, laughing a little as they walked towards the front of the house and were let in by a very well-dressed blonde woman with blue eyes.

"Joey, sweetie, you came in from the city," the woman said, immediately hugging him.

"Aunt Carmela, this is my roommate, Rachel," Joey said.

"Nice to meet you, honey. She's pretty, I love your hair," Carmela grinned.

"A lot of people do," Rachel said.

"Come on in, you two," Carmela said as she ushered them inside. Rachel was in awe as she followed them towards the backyard. This was truly the most beautiful home she had ever seen and she had seen her share of magnificent homes. Outside was even better, there was a pool and the backyard was packed with people.

"Joe," a heavy set man with a big smile walked over to Joey and hugged him. When they stopped hugging, Rachel noticed he was wearing a bunch of sausages around his neck like a scarf.

"Are we eating those?" Joey asked, pointing to the sausages.

"Yes, is this the baby mama?" Tony asked, pointing to Rachel.

"Tony," Carmela admonished.

"No, I mean, she is a baby mama….just not mine...wait..that one...my baby mama is in Oklahoma," Joey stuttered. Rachel laughed at Joey being so nervous although it did strike her as very surreal that she was standing in front of Tony Soprano, although he seemed strangely nice.

"What's the matter with ya'?" Tony asked.

"She didn't tell me she had a kid," Joey stressed, "oh, and this is Rachel. She's my roommate."

"And someone else's baby mama," Rachel joked as she reached out her hand to shake Tony's but instead Tony gave her a hug and she tried not to breathe in the smell of raw sausage.

"Hey, I thought you were in a coma," a brunette girl said as she approached them. There was a guy walking with her.

"Oh, no, no….Meadow, he's now a woman," the guy said.

Joey laughed and introduced the pretty brunette girl and tall guy who had approached them as his cousins, Meadow and A.J.

"How are things, Doctor Drake Ramoray?" Meadow asked.

"Amazing and I am not a woman, I simply have the brain of one," Joey remarked.

"I'm gonna go cook my sausage," Tony muttered as he walked off towards the grill.

"I watch Days every single day. I am so proud of you," Carmela said.

"Me too. It's so amazing to watch. So much better than the milk informercial," Meadow said.

"Well, you do have to admit, that was an amazing informercial," Rachel said.

"Oh it's my favorite thing ever," Meadow said.

"Awww, there's the big TV star. When you gettin' me on Days of our Lives?" Asked a guy who looked strangely familiar to Rachel. She tried to recall where she had seen him before. Joey shot Rachel a look and took a deep breath.

"Well, Christopher….they just rehired me. I don't….I don't….I'm finally out of the coma."

Rachel's heart dropped. It was Christopher. She bit her lip and tried to be nice as Joey introduced Christopher to her. She imagined Brian buying drugs from this guy. She wanted so badly to say something but she had promised. Joey had even made a promise that if she behaved herself, he'd let her spend the day on the set and ever since that time when she had visited him and she had "accidentally" wandered into the men's bathroom, he had banned her from the set.

It started to sink in, she was amongst people who killed people for a living. She was in a different world and it was a bizarre world. She sat by the pool and watched as Joey interacted so easily with all these people.

"So how are you?" Joey asked, sitting next to her and handing her a beer. He had one of his own and took a long gulp.

"It's weird. It's….there are people that have killed people here."

"Yep."

"Tony seems really nice."

"Tony is amazing. He's like a big teddy bear."

"This is a bizarre world."

"Yeah it is and thank you for not saying anything to Christopher about Brian or Dan."

"I wouldn't….so, you and Lizzie. Where are you with that?" Rachel asked, wanting to change the conversation.

"I don't know."

"Send her anything for Valentine's Day."

"I thought I'd call," Joey said.

"Really?"

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do…."

"Send a card."

"Maybe. How are you doing?"

"I don't know. I don't know what-how I'm supposed to feel. I feel like….I shouldn't have hooked up with Gavin but Ross and I aren't dating. When did this all get complicated?"

"Beats me."

Joey wrapped his arm around Rachel and she fell into him. She let out a sigh as she took a sip of her beer.

"I'm scared," Rachel said.

"Of what?"

"Of the six of us. We're changing, Joe. It's getting more and more complicated. You and Lizzie, Phoebe and Mike, Chandler and Monica, me and Ross. Each pair with its own drama and complications and...how much longer will we be able to hold onto each other?"

"As long as possible."

"I hope."

"Rach, we're a family. Nothing is going to change that."

Rachel nodded as they continued to sit. It was such a gorgeous day. A wonderful day for a party with the mafia. She loved that she was with Joey. She felt strangely comfortable, strangely at ease around him. It was strange, a feeling she had not felt in a long time.

He had been mugged by a girl. Ross Geller had been mugged by Phoebe. Rachel vividly remembered that day so vividly. She had been on the phone with Nancy talking about Chip. Nancy had called her a slut because she had said something about a television show where she could pick her favorite guy amongst twenty five different guys. Of course, that show was now The Bachelor and she was slightly disappointed that she hadn't written it down and pitched it. She remembered a tall blonde whom she now knew was Phoebe walking in with her friends and they looked dirty. Rachel knew she had been rude to Phoebe when she approached the counter to buy a dress. Phoebe had paid in cash and she wondered how Phoebe got the money. She was still on the phone with Nancy when Nancy said Ross Geller had been mugged. She remembered locking eyes with Phoebe and then her running out the store.

When she found out, she went to Phoebe's apartment with Emma. Phoebe had taken Ross to the junkyard and had shown him how she had lived and she wanted to check in with Phoebe. The two women sat on the couch and Phoebe sat Emma on her lap.

"So to pay for the dress-"

"I mugged Ross beforehand. I mugged Ross and then used the money to buy a dress. It was my fifteenth birthday, Rach. It was my first birthday on the streets and I wanted a dress and cake and….and my friend, Lowell was the one who encouraged me to do it….so I was able to pay for that dress by mugging Ross, not through prostitution," Phoebe said, grinning a little.

"I never said that….to your face."

"I know but you said it."

"I was bitch back then."

"Still a little bit of a bitch."

"I think so. Did you end up having a good birthday?"

"Yeah. We bought a cake and Lowell got us booze and we got food and we went to the junkyard and it was still cold so we lit fires in barrels and sang songs and….it was...I bought….I wore that dress so much, I loved it. I wore it on my sixteenth birthday when I was raped and almost died and…it meant so much to me."

"Can I fix it?" Rachel asked.

"Fix it?"

"The dress. I can sew the holes up and figure out a way to do something about the blood stains. I don't know if there's a way to get rid of twenty-year-old blood stains, but I can try."

"It's okay. I like it the way it is. It reminds me of where I was and how far I've come."

"Okay….I'm sorry I called you a prostitute and I was so awful to you."

"You were a kid."

"I love you so much, Pheebs. You're like….you're my cozy, warm fire. I love being around you."

"I love you too."

"And….you and Mike?"

"It's going well. He knows all my crazy now and he still loves me. He know everything."

"Even Prague."

"Not Prague. I told him I was tortured in Prague but I didn't tell him I killed a guy. I'll save that for the wedding night," Phoebe joked.

"Okay," Rachel said, laughing.

"But he still loves me, Rach. He knows I was homeless, he knows all and he's staying."

"Of course he is. I mean, who wouldn't love you Pheebs."

Rachel and Phoebe shared a hug and talked for a bit longer until Rachel felt she should probably go check on Ross. She said goodbye to Phoebe and headed to Ross' apartment. When she got there, she walked in and saw Monica talking to Ross.

"Heard you got mugged by a girl," Rachel said.

"Thank you. Hey, she robbed your store."

"She did. How are you, Ross?"

"Alright."

"You two are ridiculous," Monica said, suddenly. Both Ross and Rachel both stared at her, confused, "really, you both belong together. You both know that. Please do us all a favor….or do me a favor….and figure out a way to make your relationship work. Please."

Monica got up and walked out of the apartment, leaving them alone. Monica's outburst was a little strange, she might have to check in with Mon later.

"She bought a dress with that money."

"For her sixteenth birthday," Ross said.

"Fifteenth. Sixteenth was the movie Chandler paid for."

"Oh. I was mugged by a girl."

"You know what though, between you and me….she was scary. She didn't look like Phoebe. She looked….homeless. She stumbled into the store and she was filthy and...I love Pheebs, but I'm sure that was scary."

"She was."

"Ross, I'm sorry about Gavin."

"No, I'm sorry too. I mean, you're a great mom and….I want us to….maybe we aren't supposed to be together. Maybe...we've tried and it's not working and maybe it's best for Emma."

"Yeah, maybe it's the best for Emma."

Rachel watched Ross as he looked at Emma and began playing with her. It made her sad. This was it. This was the end of trying with Ross and by the end of February, it was also the end of Phoebe and Mike. They were going to move in together until Mike told Phoebe he really did not want to ever get married. Instead of moving Mike in, Rachel, Ross, Joey, Monica and Chandler watched them break up instead. It killed her to watch. Phoebe had so badly wanted normal and Rachel wanted it for her.

When Mike walked out, Chandler followed him out of the apartment just as Ross walked in and the group immediately ran to Phoebe, comforting her.

"I wanted marriage. I wanted normal and….I should...I wanted to get married, why doesn't he wanna marry me?" Phoebe asked.

"Pheebs," Monica said.

"So that's Duncan….Mike...is there ever going to be a guy who wants to marry me?"

"Oh, honey, yes," Rachel said.

"I want what Monica and Chandler have," Phoebe muttered.

"We all do," Rachel said.

"Oh, no you don't. Please, you want to be married to Chandler?" Monica asked.

"Of course not….I just wanna be married to someone who loves me as much as Chandler loves you," Phoebe said.

"I'll marry you," Joey said.

"Joey, you're so sweet," Phoebe said.

"No, I'm serious. Let's do it," Joey said.

"Didn't you propose to me like nine months ago? Who are you now? Ross?" Rachel asked.

"Thanks, Rach," Ross said.

"You're welcome," Rachel grinned as Ross laughed and put his arm around Rachel and hugged her before walking towards a stack of movies by Phoebe's television.

"Pheebs, you will find someone, I promise," Monica said.

"Hey, Phoebe," Chandler said. They turned to see Chandler walking back into the apartment.

"Where did you go?" Phoebe asked.

"It's...nowhere," Chandler said, as he placed his arm around Phoebe.

"Did I ruin your friendship with Mike?" Phoebe asked him.

"Don't worry about it, it wasn't much of a friendship. You know I choose you," Chandler said as he hugged her, tightly, gently kissing her on the top of the head.

"I found it," Ross said. He was holding up the Hot Dog Movie.

"No," Rachel whined which made Monica laugh.

"You got the DVD?" Chandler asked.

"It's got deleted scenes and extra footage," Phoebe said.

"Really?" Rachel asked.

"Oh, this is gonna be awesome. Will you sit with me?" Chandler asked.

"Yes," Phoebe smiled as the two walked over to the couch and plopped down.

"At least, can we make slow death punch?" Rachel asked, which was met with silence and everyone looking at Chandler. They hadn't had it in so long because of Chandler, but she wasn't sure she would be able to survive the movie without being drunk.

"Yes, you can make slow death punch," Chandler said.

"You sure?" Monica asked.

"Yes," Chandler said.

"I have Red Bull in the fridge," Phoebe said.

"You do?" Chandler asked.

"Of course...so when you come over, you always have something to drink," Phoebe said.

"You do like me," Chandler grinned.

"I do," Phoebe said as Chandler hugged her and placed his arm around her. Phoebe let out a sigh as she placed her head on his chest. Ross began setting up the movie as Monica and Rachel retreated to the kitchen to make the smoothies.

"Why did he have to see this movie?" Rachel asked as she grabbed a Red Bull from the fridge.

"Well, the way I look at it….it's basically soft core porn and he was a fifteen-year-old boy going to an all boy's school," Monica said. Rachel let out a groan as she handed Chandler his Red Bull and walked back to Monica.

"I will say this though….he's really doing this."

"Doing what?" Monica asked.

"Sobriety. He really has not had any booze, taken any pills?" Rachel asked.

"Nope. It's been two years. I'm not counting the beer he had the night before our wedding."

"Wow. I think I'm actually in awe of him. Seriously, amazed."

"Me too."

"Still want this movie to die."

"Me too."

Monica made the smoothies while Rachel watched. She made them extra strong and handed them to the rest of the group and they all settled into watch the movie.

"You sure you're okay?" Monica asked.

"Yeah, I got the Hot Dog movie, Phoebe doesn't hate me...Rachel's annoyed that we're watching this. Perfect," Chandler said.

"I think we'll have to watch this more than once," Phoebe said.

"Seriously?" Rachel asked.

"I'm in pain, Rachel," Phoebe said. Rachel let out an annoyed sigh as the movie began. Both Monica and Phoebe snuggled up next to Chandler as he held both of them. Ross and Rachel snuggled together in the big chair in Phoebe's apartment. It was nice, the six of them although Rachel got this feeling that the good times may not always last, that soon these moments would come to end and she made a mental note to capture each of them as they were in that moment.


	57. Chapter 57

April 2003-May 2003

She wasn't sure how it had happened. She hadn't been aware of her feelings and then it happened. Chandler' s thirty-fourth birthday had been low key. They had watched the lottery together. All six of them, hanging out, watching television. She had even had her mother pick up Emma and watch her for the night so she could just enjoy being with her friends. The night ended perfectly as well with Chandler getting a job at Miller Benanti Advertising as a junior copywriter. It was thrilling, an amazing birthday gift indeed but as they sat there, celebrating Chandler's new job and lamenting the fact that they had not won the lottery, something started to happen. Maybe it was that conversation she had overheard between Chandler and Joey when Joey admitted to Chandler that he had not wished they would the lottery, he had wished Chandler would get a job? Maybe it was that moment? Joey was always so sweet, so kind. Maybe it was because she had been living with him? She had walked into the living room a few days before and had seen Joey sitting there with Emma and he was reading to her. It was cute, sweet.

Then there was the Al-Anon meeting. Monica had made them go. Chandler and Phoebe had gotten into a huge fight in the middle of Central Perk a few days after that evening watching the lottery. It was surprising to watch because Rachel really could not recall a time when she had seen Chandler blow up quite like that. It left everyone shaken and worried about the already fragile friendship of Chandler and Phoebe. Phoebe had played in front of Monica's restaurant because her massage license had been suspended. Chandler had gotten pissed and there was a fight. They each said stuff and now Monica wanted the group to understand and Rachel thought it might be kind of interesting. So while Chandler went to his AA meeting, they sat in a room that was in the same building as Chandler's AA. He had walked in with them and went off in a separate direction and there they sat, on the uncomfortable fold out chairs drinking bad coffee and listening to people tell stories about their loved ones struggling with addiction. Rachel noticed Joey, sniffling a little which made her smile.

"You okay?" Rachel asked, patting his leg.

"I feel like I should be at the other meeting. With Chandler," Joey said.

"I thought that too," Monica said, overhearing him, "but this is the one we're supposed to be at. Unless he asks, he doesn't really want us to just pop in. It's not a party."

"Yeah, but…," Joey said,

"Joey, no….this is where we're supposed to be. To gain understanding. We will see him after," Monica smiled.

"Makes me even more proud of him," Joey said,

"Me too," Rachel said as she grabbed his hand and squeezed it. He was so sweet, always so caring, so wonderful to each one of them despite his own secrets. His own past. When the meeting was over they walked out and waited for Chandler to emerge from his and when he did, Joey rushed him and immediately hugged him before Monica could even touch him. Everyone laughed, but Rachel just thought it was just another "Joey" moment. Joey cared deeply, he always cared so deeply.

Later that night, she overheard him on the phone talking to Lizzie. He was telling Lizzie about the meeting which Rachel wasn't quite sure he was allowed to do but when she listened to the words he was telling Lizzie, it was wonderful. He really did talk about Chandler like a brother.

"You should go to one in Tulsa," Joey offered, "I know, I know….but I think it would be interesting. You did date an addict….yeah, I know. But….he's really amazing... He's the greatest brother ever...Okay, yeah, of course-"

Rachel stood in her doorway and watched him when the front door opened and in walked Chandler. Joey looked up at him, his eyes brightening.

"He's here," Joey said before lowering the phone, "I'm talking to Lizzie. I'm telling her about the Al-Anon meeting."

"I'm not sure you're supposed to do that," Chandler said.

"That's what I said," Rachel said.

"But it's Lizzie, she doesn't count," Joey said.

"That's what I said when I was dating her," Chandler joked. Joey put the phone up to his ear and then looked back at Chandler.

"She said she heard that and she said, 'fuck you, asswipe' and….'oh, you're in reason she was in therapy for five years,'" Joey said.

"You sure it wasn't you?" Chandler asked.

"Both of us….but more you," Joey said.

"Awww, another life made successful by Chanoey," Chandler said.

"Jandler," Joey corrected.

"Chandler, what's up?" Rachel asked, thinking he was there for a reason.

"Monica sent me over here. She said I might need some video game time with Joey after the meeting tonight," Chandler said.

"Oh, awesome, Lizzie...I gotta go. Chandler's here to play," Joey said.,

"You can still talk-" Chandler began but Joey hung up before he could finish, "okay."

"Let's play," Joey said as he got up and ushered Chandler towards the chair. She kept watching him, staring at him as he and Chandler set up the game and began to play. She needed to stop. She needed to regain composure. She could not feel this way, it was wrong. She and Ross were meant to be, not she and Joey but her thoughts kept coming. They kept increasing.

That Soap Opera party on the roof, none of them were supposed to know, but Rachel found out and told everyone. Joey was having a party on the roof and everyone from Days of Our Lives would be there. It was thrilling, although she had no time to get a sitter so it would probably have been more thrilling without Emma resting in her carrier on a table she had moved next to the table she was currently at with Monica and Chandler. Rachel kept her attention divided between her daughter, the party and Monica and Chandler who were being cute. Very cute.

"You are so wrong," Monica said, "you take that back."

"No, Eric Winter would never go for you," Chandler argued.

"His name is not Eric, it's Rex. Please, calling the actors by their real names," Monica said.

"What was I thinking?" Chandler asked.

"He would so want me," Monica said.

"No, he would not."

"I'm gonna go ask him out," Monica said.

"Okay, now you're taking the game too far," Chandler said, placing his arm around Monica. "Although, check out Kate Namarro. She's checking out the Chan Chan man." Chandler motioned towards one of the Days actresses standing off to the side talking to another actress.

"Please kill that saying," Monica said.

"All aboard the Chan Chan man," Chandler grinned.

"Alright, I'm getting a drink. You guys want anything?" Monica asked.

"I'll have some wine," Chandler said to which Monica playfully patted his arm, hard apparently.

"I love it when my recovering addict husband asks for booze," Monica said. Rachel laughed looking at the wincing face of Chandler.

"Fine, Red Bull….and ask if they can put vodka in it," Chandler said.

"I wanna divorce," Monica shot back.

"Fine, Rex still won't go out with you though," Chandler teased. Monica gave him a look before glancing over at Rachel and telling her she'd get some wine for Rachel as well and a Red Bull for Chandler. When she walked off, Chandler moved closer to Rachel.

"You alright, Green?" Chandler asked.

"I hate it when you and Mon act cute," Rachel said.

"Okay….sorry?"

"No. I just….you know….Joey looks like he's having fun."

"He does."

"He's talking to Lizzie a lot and...and he's….Ross and Charlie look nice," Rachel offered. Charlie was a scientist who was working with Ross. "Ross is moving on. I should too, right?"

"Who would you move on with?" Chandler asked.

"Well…." Her eyes landed on Joey who was now talking to Kate. She stopped talking which Chandler seemed to pick up.

"Rach?"

"Yeah."

"Are you-do have feelings for Joey?"

"No. No. Kate. I like Kate."

"That would be one of my greatest fantasies but-"

"Oh, G-d. Chandler….I do. I like Joey."

"Seriously?"

"I don't know where these feelings are coming from and do not tell Monica."

"She's my wife. I like telling her things."

"I know. He's just so kind and has mob ties and-and-I loved-at that Al Anon meeting, he was like so proud of you and he wanted to run into your meeting and tell you that and-it's wrong. I know it's wrong but Ross really likes that scientist."

"Didn't they just meet today."

"Yeah. But what if it turns into something, you know? Ross and Charlie?"

"Then they'll get married and divorced. He's thirty-three and he hasn't been married and/or divorced yet in his thirties, he is due."

"So, here are the drinks," Monica said as she approached them with two glasses of wine and a Red Bull. Chandler and Rachel grabbed their respective drinks and Rachel continued her gaze towards Joey while listening to Monica and Chandler play with each other until she heard Chandler say her name.

"So, guess what Rachel told me?" Chandler asked.

"Chandler."

"She's my wife. I am going to tell her," Chandler said.

"What?" Monica asked.

"Rachel has a crush on Joey," Chandler said. Rachel's mouth dropped open. "It's the Red Bull, Rach. It makes me crazy."

"That's fine, that's fine….so for our lunch date next week, I found a place that serves sauteed kale and the best quinoa burgers. You'll love it," Rachel said.

"You love Joey?" Monica asked.

"No, no...not love. I just….something has been happening and I've been feeling things for Joey. Maybe it's living with him, maybe it's….getting to know him. I don't know."

"That's gross," Monica said.

"Hey, hey, that's not gross. She would do well with Joey," Chandler joked. "He is a lovely and charming young man."

"You've become more annoying as you've become sober," Monica teased.

"No, no. I've always been annoying. I just can no longer blame it on alcohol and must accept it as a character trait," Chandler said.

Monica shook her head as she wrapped her around Chandler's waist. He just kept smiling as it was obvious that he was enjoying this.

"You can't pursue Joey," Monica said.

"I'm not going to pursue him, I'm going to….hmmm-" Rachel groaned as Phoebe approached him.

"Hey, I'm gonna go home. I'm kinda missing Mike and I'm just not feeling this," Phoebe said.

"Rachel has a crush on Joey," Chandler said.

"What is wrong with you?" Rachel asked.

"You went to the Al Anon meeting, you tell me?" Chandler asked.

"You know, fine, I will just put it out into the universe that you crash a car into a house-oh, wait….no, I've already done that and that happened," Rachel said.

"You know, a ledge of a building is kinda like a cliff, test it out Coyote," Chandler shot back.

"Wait, wait….can we back up? Rachel, you have a crush on Joey?" Phoebe asked.

"And why Pheebs?" Rachel asked.

"Because we've had a very hard time lately," Chandler said as he pulled Phoebe towards him and gave Rachel a sad, puppy dog look which made Rachel laugh.

"Okay, Pheebs and the three of you please do not tell Joey or Ross but I have been developing feelings for Joey. I'm not going to act on them. I don't know how it happened and I get that it's weird especially because my history with Ross but…I just need to ride it out."

"Or ride him," Chandler muttered. Monica, Rachel and Phoebe looked at him, all slightly disgusted. "I didn't say anything…..that you were meant to hear."

"Well, it doesn't look like you'll get a chance to act on it anyway," Phoebe said. "Look."

Rachel turned to where Phoebe was pointing. Her breath got caught in her throat a little when she saw what was happening. Joey and Charlie were kissing. She felt her heart break a little. She looked back at the other three who were staring sadly back at her.

"Well, that's that. So, Pheebs….what were you saying?" Rachel asked.

"Rach," Monica said.

"No. You're right Mon. It would have been too weird."

"You know, there is a whole box of Twinkies in our pantry. How about tonight, Rach, I sleep in your room and you three can have the apartment to yourselves," Chandler offered. "I think I need some quality time with my niece."

Monica gave him a kiss as Rachel let out a sigh and gently squeezed his hand.

"That's sweet," Rachel said.

"You sure?" Monica asked.

"Yes...I just realized that Emma is going to be a year old and I am way behind on getting her caught up with movies," Chandler said.

Rachel nodded as she looked back at Joey who was seemingly engrossed in Charlie. It was a crush, a simple crush but one that needed to end. Quickly.

Rachel had met Monica when she was six years old. Monica had been playing with dolls and had named her baby doll. She had named her children. Monica Geller was meant to be a mom. She knew that Monica and Chandler had been trying. They had gone to a fertility clinic soon after Emma's first birthday, but the news was something they had not expected. Monica had a hostile uterus and Chandler had slow sperm motility. It was all wrong. When she had found out, the crush on Joey quickly took a back seat. Soon after hearing the news, she went to the store, grabbed many boxes of Twinkies and arrived back Chandler and Monica's apartment with Emma and Twinkies in tow. When she walked in, she noticed Monica and Chandler's bedroom door open. As she approached the doorway, Chandler was sitting next to Monica who was curled up beside him. He was gently stroking her as she stared silently off into space. The room was dark.

"Hey?" Rachel asked.

"Hey…." Chandler said.

"Can I...can I have a moment with her? I think she needs me," Rachel said. Chandler nodded as he got up and walked towards Rachel and Emma. He looked at both of them with such sadness that Rachel thought maybe she should take care of Chandler first. She pulled him out of the room towards the kitchen where Monica couldn't hear them. They stood there with Chandler staring at Emma.

"How old are you Emma?" Chandler asked, holding up one finger. At Emma's first birthday, Chandler was responsible for Emma saying her first word.

"One. Mo," Emma said as she began wriggling and reaching for Chandler. Rachel handed her to Chandler who looked like he would start crying as the little girl buried her face into his neck.

"She loves her uncle," Rachel said.

"I can't fix this. I'm scared," Chandler said.

"Let me help," Rachel said but his demeanor made her nervous. She knew this side, knew when he was depressed, sad and it made her scared. "How close are you to the edge?"

"I'm not gonna do anything."

"Promise?"

"Rach."

"No. No, we're in this with you. You're not the only one going through this. You should know that by now."

"I do."

"Because if-"

"Is Joey home?"

"Yeah," Rachel said, knowing he didn't want to talk about it.

"I'm gonna go play with Joey for a little bit," Chandler handed Emma back to Rachel and walked out of the apartment. Rachel let out a sigh and walked back towards Monica and Chandler's room and lay on the bed. She opened the box of Twinkies and handed one to Monica.

"Where's Chandler?" Monica asked, sitting up. She began eating as Emma reached for her as well. Monica grabbed Emma and sat her on her lap, hugging her.

"Joey's."

"Oh. What did I do? I did everything right. Why….what-" Monica said, starting to cry again.

"You didn't do anything."

"You've gotten pregnant twice. Fuck, you terminated one and this one you had out of wedlock."

"Mon, I know you're hurting but-"

"I'm sorry. I am...why-"

"You did nothing wrong. You will have children. You were put on this Earth to have children."

"What am I going to do? I want it so bad. I wanted it more than any of you."

"I know. You're going to figure it out. I remember the first day we met. Mrs. Gold's first grade class. First day and I was brand new. I was kicked of my kindergarten class for bullying….so it was my first day and Mrs. Gold took me by the hand and took me over to you and you were playing by yourself and you had a baby doll whom you named, Emma."

"You remember that?"

"Oh, yeah and I remember you asking what I was going to name my children."

"And you said you were going to buy your children from an island right by Kentucky."

Rachel laughed, "yeah. Well, talk about gettin' lucky in Kentucky….and you gave me a Twinkie at lunch. My first Twinkie and...and you said you would have a billion children. I also remember when Chandler took us home after we went to a party at their NYU dorms and you sat in Chandler's car and told him it wasn't child-friendly. I remember thinking you were insane. Who does that? You do that. You and Chandler will figure this out. I told him and I'm going to tell you. You are not going through this alone."

Monica cried as she held onto Emma. Rachel felt sad as well. She wanted to say more, she wanted to do more. She wanted to fix it, but she wasn't sure how or what she was supposed to say and then Chandler went missing. Rachel was afraid it would happen. She was afraid he would fall and a few days later he had disappeared.

"You really think fell off the wagon?" Ross asked, looking up from the couch. Rachel, Joey and Ross were sitting in Monica and Chandler's apartment as Monica kept making phone calls. Emma was sleeping next to them.

"I don't know. I just….what did I do? I've been a good person. I've-" Monica said, as she dialed again. She looked confused. "Pheebs?" Monica asked, nervous. "How drunk is he?" Monica asked.

Rachel's heart dropped at that comment. "Oh no."

"We don't know," Ross said.

"I'm on my way," Monica said as she hung up and looked at the three of them.

"He's at Pub 2," Monica said.

"He's fell off the wagon?" Joey asked.

"No, no. He's with Phoebe. Phoebe said he was sober. I don't know, I'll be back," Monica said, grabbing her keys as she practically sprinted towards the door.

"Should we come with you?" Rachel asked.

"No, let me...just all be here when we get back. Don't be mad at him," Monica said.

"We won't," Rachel said as Monica walked out, leaving the three of them staring at each other.

"Are they going to be okay?" Rachel asked.

"Yeah. Wait, he's sober and he called Pheebs. He called for help," Ross said. "I don't think he's ever….he asked for help when he went off the edge but I don't think he's ever asked for help when he got too close to the edge. He's going to be fine."

"Promise?" Rachel asked. "'Cause I just….I….want them to be okay. Monica is supposed to have children. She's supposed to be mom."

"She's going to be one," Ross said. "Chandler's going to be dad."

"I think he'll be an awesome dad," Joey said.

"Oh, yeah….the two of them as parents? Yeah. The kid will be insanely neat and hilariously funny," Ross said.

"Beautiful and popular," Rachel said.

"They're going to be parents. They're meant to be parents," Ross said.

Rachel nodded as Ross leaned over and squeezed her hand. She smiled as she sniffled a little. The three sat in silence, waiting for Monica, Chandler and Phoebe to return. Ross comforted her as did Joey and her mind drifted to those two boys. She had an intense love for them but she felt torn. Her crush on Joey, despite her best efforts, was not fading.

When Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler returned, Chandler looked ashamed but he was completely sober. He looked down at the floor as Joey stood up and walked towards him but instead of hitting him, he instead hugged him tightly. Ross stood up and walked towards Monica and hugged her. She took a deep breath and looked at everyone.

"You're sober?" Joey asked.

"Yep," Chandler said.

"He called for help. I'm his sponsor," Phoebe said.

"Actually….no," Chandler said.

"Yes, I am. I've appointed myself," Phoebe said.

"But you aren't in AA?" Chandler asked. "I have a sponsor that's in AA."

"They don't count, I do," Phoebe said.

"Okay," Chandler said, placing his arm around Phoebe.

"Guys, I have an announcement. Um, Chandler and I are going to adopt," Monica said.

"Really?" Ross asked.

"It was my idea," Phoebe said. "But doesn't it make perfect sense?"

"It does," Rachel said. It did. Monica and Chandler adopting made sense. It made complete sense and as they talked about adopting, there was a lightness that floated over the room again. Monica and Chandler were feeling happier and through that cloud, that crush on Joey seemed even bigger and by the time they landed in Barbados towards the end of May to see Ross give some sort of dino speech, her crush on Joey was almost impossible to ignore. She felt so lonely in Barbados. Everyone had someone or was with someone. Monica and Chandler. Phoebe and David, whom she had recently reconnected with and had decided to join them in Barbados and Joey and Charlie. Ross was concentrating on his speech. She felt alone and she could not stop thinking of Joey.

"Do you think Joey will be with Charlie the entire time?" Rachel mused.

"You can't pursue Joey and Phoebe, you cannot say yes to David. I'm really glad we'd done with my problem, by the way," Monica smirked.

David, the Scientist Guy, wanted to propose to Phoebe and Phoebe was going to say yes. Rachel would have an opinion but she didn't, instead she wondered about Joey. What he was doing? What was he doing with Charlie?

"You were said you were adopting...and now, it's our turn again. My turn, why can't I pursue Joey?" Rachel asked.

"'Cause it's weird and he has a girlfriend," Monica said.

"You know it won't last," Rachel said.

"Rachel, you cannot pursue this," Monica said.

"Fine, whatever...I'm gonna go walk around somewhere. I'm bored," Rachel said, as she grabbed her drink and got up.

"Stay away from Joey," Monica said.

"I will," Rachel said as she walked off. As she walked, she found Joey leaving his room. She walked over to him, wishing they could do something. It was pouring rain outside and there wasn't much to do except drink.

"Hey, where's Charlie?" Rachel asked.

"With Ross. They're working their dino speech."

"Hmmm….well….you wanna play?" Rachel asked.

"Would love to," Joey said as they linked arms and walked off. They decided to play. While everyone was off doing whatever they were doing, they were having fun. They crashed a pharmaceutical convention, they ate food, drank and enjoyed each other and her feelings towards him were spinning wildly out of control.

Mike surprised Phoebe and showed up in Barbados, they got back together and David went home. Monica and Chandler had something to do with that. Joey and Charlie broke up and Charlie hooked up with Ross. Ross had moved on and maybe it was time for Rachel to move on. Maybe it was time for her to close that chapter and maybe she could open a new one with Joey and before leaving Barbados, it happened. Rachel and Joey kissed.


	58. Chapter 58

Hey...so please review! I feel sad on the inside...

Second, Rachel's story is winding down. Joey and Ross are next. Which one do you want to read?

May 2003-Jan 2004

She and Joey had kissed and she wasn't quite sure where that had left them. Were they now a couple? Would they be dating? What was the plan? What would they tell Ross? That made her more nervous than anything. She needed to though, she needed to say something, Yes, he was now with Charlie, but this was Joey. When they got back from Barbados, Rachel went to pick up Emma from her mother's while Joey told her he would talk to Ross first and that all Rachel would have to do is meet them at Ross' apartment. Joey would break it to Ross. Rachel would ease in with Emma. It would be the plan.

When she got to Ross' apartment, she knocked on the door and was greeted by Ross. She tried to gage the look on Ross' face when she walked in carrying Emma.

"Hey," Ross said as he took Emma from Rachel and stepped inside. She saw Joey sitting on the couch. When he saw her, he stood up.

"I'm gonna go," Joey said.

"Stay," Ross said.

"No, you two need to talk," Joey said as he walked towards the door. Rachel looked confused as Joey squeezed her arm and walked out the door. Rachel looked at Ross who was gently putting Emma in her crib. She kept staring at him, waiting for him to say something. He let out a sigh and looked at her.

"So, you're dating Joey?" Ross asked.

"Well, you're dating Charlie," Rachel tried.

"Yeah...I guess...I…but Joey," Ross said as he sat on the couch. Rachel sat next to him.

"I'm sorry. I-it just happened and….I don't know if anything will come of it but….I'm sorry."

"Should we stop?" Ross asked.

"Stop what?" Rachel asked, confused. Ross kept looking at the floor.

"Joey and I were talking and I realized that you and I broke up six years ago and we've spent six years trying to fix us and maybe….maybe this is it? Maybe we're just going to be best friends that have a child."

"You really think we're done with us?" Rachel asked, her heart breaking a little. Ross wouldn't even look at her and that pained her. Did trying something with Joey mean that they could never try again?

"I don't know. I mean, do you we think we should close that chapter?" Ross asked.

"I-well-do you like Charlie?"

"I do."

"Do you wanna see if it works with her?"

"I do and you wanna see if it works with Joey?" Ross asked.

"I wanna explore it. It might be nothing, but I wanna explore it. Oh my G-d," Rachel said and she could feel her heart break. This felt so permanent to her. She felt tears come to her eyes.

"Why are you crying?'

"I feel like we're breaking up."

"Maybe we need to? Maybe we finally need to move on? We have to... and….you know, I know I once said that I'll hate any guy you date. I take it back. Joey's a good guy and if it does work…."

"I love you, Geller," Rachel said.

"Feeling will always be mutual."

"I don't want to close the Ross and Rachel saga though," Rachel said.

"I don't either but do you think it's time?"

"I don't know."

"It's just...you and I...we've left casualties. Julie, Emily, Bonnie, Tag, Joshua and I like Charlie and Joey's one of my closest friends and I don't want them to become another casualty in the Ross and Rachel drama. We've hurt people, Rach and I don't want them to get hurt because of us. So maybe...what do we do?" Ross asked.

"End us?" Rachel asked to which Ross looked at her and shrugged.

Rachel began to cry as Ross grabbed her hand. She rested her head on his shoulder as she thought about the last six years. They had broken up six years earlier and they had spent the last six years trying to get back into each other's lives, failing each time. Maybe Charlie and Joey would be exactly what they needed to help them get past each other, finally, although sitting there with Ross...she found herself doubting whether or not she officially wanted to close that book.

It also seemed that just as quickly as whatever it was she had with Joey began, it ended. They had kissed but as it got further, it felt more and more wrong to her. She kept thinking of Ross and that conversation she had with him. She kept thinking of Joey and it was a phone call she walked in on between him and Lizzie that made it seem even more wrong. A few weeks after that conversation with Ross, she walked in while Joey was talking to Lizzie. He was sweet, kind with her. When they hung up, she just felt that whatever it was she felt was now gone. She felt that she was making the wrong move.

"What are we doing?" Rachel asked.

"What do you mean?" Joey asked.

"Do you like Lizzie?"

"She's the mother of my child."

"This feels wrong. This all feels so wrong. You should be with Lizzie, I should be with Ross. Joey, I love you. I love you so much but…."

"It's wrong."

"Yeah."

"I agree."

"You do?"

"I don't know. I thought I wanted it. I think you're amazing and hot and sexy and-"

"Joe."

"But you should be with Ross. It's not over between you two."

"I think it is."

"It's never going to be over and we both know that and I was thinking...remember how Phoebe used to say that you and Ross were each other's lobsters?"

"Yeah."

"I don't wanna break up lobsters. Especially if those lobsters are two of my favorite people. It was wrong."

"He's with Charlie."

"He'd drop her for you in a second and I do like Lizzie. I wanna see where it goes. I wanna see if she's my lobster. Everyone has someone, everything is changing and maybe it's time. You belong with Ross, not me."

Rachel let out an annoyed sigh. He was right. This was all just so bizarre. She needed to figure everything out. She was thirty three now, a mother and an executive at Ralph Lauren. She needed to know what was going on with Ross. His relationship with Charlie did not last long either and by November, they were both single again. Phoebe was now engaged to Mike, Joey and Lizzie were talking on the phone practically every single night and by Thanksgiving, Monica and Chandler had gotten word that they would officially be adopting a child. Everyone seemed to be moving forward in their lives and maybe Ross was wrong. They would never officially get over each other. Maybe they weren't meant to get over each other.

As 2004 began, Rachel made a decision. She would figure out a way for her and Ross to make things work. She would have to talk it over with Ross although as they gathered together to celebrate Joey's thirty sixth birthday that January, she began to get the feeling that maybe Ross was beginning to regret what he had said. He was by her side, playing with her, teasing her, being his sweet Ross-self. She kinda liked it, liked being near him. She always felt stronger when she was near him.

Joey's birthday was going to be interesting. Lizzie was coming and they were waiting for Monica and Chandler to return with news about whether or not they were getting a kid. Ross and Rachel were going to be a "couple" at the party, even if they weren't together. Joey and Lizzie. Monica and Chandler. Phoebe and Mike. Ross and Rachel. Each pair with it's own drama, their own fights and difficulties but only of those pairs was still struggling and in Rachel's mind, it didn't seem fair. After all, she and Ross were a couple before any of the others. They had a child.

"I can't believe she's twenty months old," Rachel said cooing over Emma.

"She looks more and more like you every single day."

"Thank G-d," Rachel joked.

"I know," Ross grinned. "You know, I talked to Chandler and he okayed it, but we think she's ready to watch Jurassic Park."

"No. Are you kidding?"

"I walked in last week and Chandler was showing Emma the lynching scenes in Birth of a Nation."

"Wow, they're going to take our child away from us," Rachel mused.

"Just a matter of time," Ross said. "Parents of the Year."

"Seriously."

"Hey, do you think it's okay that I invited Lizzie?" Joey asked as he sat at the table with Mike and Phoebe, eating chips and dip.

"I think it is," Rachel said.

"I'm looking forward to seeing her again. I haven't seen her since college," Ross said.

"It's going to be so awkward," Joey said.

"I don't think so. I mean, Chandler and Lizzie broke up fifteen years ago because she cheated on him with you and had your kid. Chandler is married to Monica who he's loved forever, even when he was dating Lizzie….I think enough time has passed. It's gonna be fine and tomorrow when you boys go to the Knicks game, Mon, Pheebs and I will take her to lunch and talk," Rachel said.

"Everything will end up the way it's supposed to," Phoebe said.

"Exactly," Rachel said as she turned back to Emma.

"You know, we're a very incestuous group," Ross mused.

"Yep...it's only a matter of time before we find you and Monica locked in an embrace," Rachel said.

"Never say things like that again," Ross said as she laughed and they continued staring at their daughter when soon the door opened and shut and in walked Monica and Chandler.

"Hey, guys," Monica said.

"Happy birthday, man," Chandler said, handing him the basket. Joey looked at it. Rachel could see some of the items, he had apparently gotten Joey a basket filled with "old people" items: adult diapers, Metamucil and other "old people" things.

"Thanks, asshole," Joey said.

"You're welcome, buddy," Chandler said.

"Wait, wait...Mon," Rachel said, getting up and walking towards her. Ross picked up Emma and followed Rachel towards the kitchen where everyone was.

"We got the kid, we're gonna be parents," Monica said as Phoebe and Rachel immediately got up and ran to her, hugging her and squealing. Chandler joined the guys at the table.

"Congrats," Mike said.

"Welcome to the dad club," Ross said.

"Thanks, let me have my niece," Chandler said reaching for Emma. Ross handed her over. Chandler placed Emma on his lap as she turned her face up and smiled at him. He smiled back and made a face which made her giggle happily.

"Mo...mo..." Emma said, clapping her hands together.

"My youngest fan," Chandler said.

"She loves her uncle," Rachel said.

"I can't believe you are going to be a father," Mike said.

"Me neither," Chandler said.

"Yeah, it is difficult to believe...the same man who spent most of college wasted is going to have someone call him dad," Ross joked.

"Hmmmm, and one day Emma's going to wonder how she was was born and I will be there to tell her that she was the product of a broken condom and a bottle of wine," Chandler mused before looking at Emma, "yes, you were...weren't you?"

"You tell her that and I can take your child to his or her grandfather's drag shows," Ross said.

"I'll be doing that myself thank you very much," Chandler said, "I'll be taking Emma with me. You wanna see drag queens, Em?"

"No. She doesn't," Rachel said. "G-d, you two will be amazing parents."

"I can't believe this is going to actually happen for us," Monica said.

"I know...alright, alright...I wanna talk about other things. What are we doing for Joey's 63rd birthday?" Chandler asked, grinning.

"Thank you," Joey said.

"Oh, don't worry Joe...I got it in college all the time because, oh wait...because I'm six months younger than you Bing," Ross said.

"See, I told you one day you'd have the upper hand," Chandler said when the front door intercom buzzed. Rachel, Ross, Mike, Joey and Phoebe exchanged slightly uncomfortable looks. It was going to be awkward but Rachel had been thinking of a way to make it less awkward. She knew Chandler would be proud of her.

"Who is that?" Chandler asked.

"I'll let them in," Rachel said walking towards the keypad and pressing the button, "hello."

"Hi, it's Lizzie...and Lauren," came the voice through the intercom. Rachel pressed the button to open the door downstairs and then walked towards her room. She reached under her bed and grabbed her box of memories. It was getting full now. So many wonderful and sad memories. She opened it and grabbed what she was looking for and placed it next to her before reaching in to look at other things. The friendship bracelets. The MASH game that had Monica picking Chandler as her husband. She was happy Mon let her keep that. The yellowed newspaper clipping of Chandler's accident. Brian's obit and the tickets from New York Fashion week. The ring. She picked up the ring box and opened it. Ross told her to give him that ring when she was ready. She was ready.

She heard the group talking outside her room and put everything back. She slid the box back under her bed, grabbed the cellophane wrapped toothbrush she had bought for this moment off her bed and walked out.

"Lizzie, welcome," Rachel said.

"Rachel Green?" Lizzie said.

"Yes, I bought you a present," Rachel said as she handed Lizzie the toothbrush, "Welcome to New York."

Lizzie laughed, as did everyone else...at least everyone familiar with the whole prank. Lauren looked confused. Rachel looked over at Chandler who simply nodded at her. She grinned. Her joke had been successful as it had approved by The Great Jokester himself.

"Thank you, Rachel," Lizzie said. "And I told Chandler the truth. You did not drop a toothbrush in the toilet at camp. I did."

"You did?" Lauren asked.

"It doesn't matter, Rach. I would have pranked you anyway. You were obnoxious," Chandler said.

"I was not," Rachel said.

"Yeah, you kinda were," Ross said.

"Bite me, Gellar. You had a shrine to me in your bedroom," Rachel said, glaring at him.

"Welcome, see I told you it wouldn't be awkward," Joey said.

"I guess, hi Ross," Lizzie said as Ross got up to walk towards her. The two hugged.

"Hi, great to see you."

"Great to see you too. How's Carol?" Lizzie asked.

"She's a lesbian," Ross said.

"Well...that's nice," Lizzie said.

The awkwardness quickly faded as the night continued. Rachel introduced Lizzie to Emma and the easiness of the night continued. There was a new chapter coming up in the lives of the co-dependent six and Rachel made a decision that maybe she wanted Ross to be in that chapter with her.

"Good joke earlier, Green," Ross said as he sat next to her after dinner and the group was gathered around the living room eating cake and laughing about something.

"Thank you. Chandler approved."

"That's important. So you didn't drop someone's toothbrush in the toilet?"

"No," Rachel said.

"And you were okay with people believing you did?" Ross asked.

"Well, it wouldn't have...it wouldn't-Chandler, would you have you believed me if I had said I hadn't dropped the toothbrush in the toilet?" Rachel asked.

"No. I still think you're lying," Chandler said.

"Didn't you also have sex with two different guys at that camp?" Monica asked, grinning from ear to ear. Rachel knew Monica was messing with her, but still…

"There is a fourteen year old over there," Rachel said, pointing to Lauren on the couch who was reading a magazine and keeping a watchful eye on the sleeping Emma.

"That's okay, I'm not really listening," Lauren said.

"You had sex with two guys at camp?" Ross asked, also grinning at her. Why was she getting made fun of? This did not seem fair at all.

"Okay, one of those guys in that was him," Rachel said pointing at Chandler, "and that's just gross."

"Hey," Monica said.

"Yeah, hey," Lizzie said.

Rachel opened her mouth and looked at both Lizzie and Monica and let out an annoyed sigh.

"I can't get out of this one," Rachel said.

"Not looking good," Ross said.

"I'm feeling uncomfortable," Mike joked.

"Me too," Phoebe said.

"I did not have any sort of sex at camp. I really want that rumor to die," Rachel said.

"Why? It makes you seem worldly and mature," Phoebe said.

"It makes me look like an eleven year old whore," Rachel said.

"That too," Phoebe said.

"I think I remember you, Lizzie," Mike said.

"You do?" Lizzie asked.

"Yeah, I went to high school with Chandler," Mike said.

"Oh, yeah. I was there a lot," Lizzie said. "I think you made me hide in your hamper once when there was some room check."

"No, there was no room check. I just wanted to see if you could fit in my hamper," Chandler joked. "But I did make Tyler sleep in the common room sometimes."

"You made me do that in college," Ross said.

"Yep, I fancied myself quite the stud in high school and college," Chandler said,

"Then I moved in and facade came crashing down," Joey said.

"Exactly," Chandler said.

"Wait, you could have invited me back to your dorm in high school?" Phoebe asked, staring at Chandler. "I could have met Mike earlier. I could've gotten off the streets earlier, Bing."

"I didn't know you were homeless," Chandler said. "If I had known then I would have taken you home, given you food and a shower but you wouldn't have fit in my hamper. You're tall."

"Wait, Phoebe….you really were homeless?" Lizzie asked.

"And a thief," Rachel said.

"Get off the damn phone and pay attention to what's going on around you," Phoebe joked.

"Don't steal my stuff," Rachel said.

"Wait...back then or now because if we're talking now…." Phoebe said.

"Oh, no, no, back then. Now, you can steal my stuff," Rachel said, laughing.

"Phew, good...'cause you have a jacket that I took four months ago and you're not getting it back," Phoebe said.

"I know….I bought another one," Rachel said.

"Actually, I took the new one. You might need to buy another one," Monica said.

"What?" Rachel asked.

"I have a couple pairs of your boots you're also not getting back."

"I have some of your tops," Monica said.

"Okay, both of you...stop," Rachel said.

"You need to keep better track of your stuff," Ross teased.

"But Phoebe, you were homeless? Chandler, you owe me a million dollars. Remember? We went out after that movie and you told me about this girl who was hungry and looked homeless and I bet you a million dollars she was homeless and you were like, no she wasn't. Pay up," Lizzie said.

"Your boyfriend owes me over two hundred grand," Chandler said to which all eyes landed on Joey who seemed a little uncomfortable.

"We have a very special relationship," Joey said.

"I thought you said you spent more on me?" Phoebe asked.

"Trust fund wise. Actual out of pocket money, Tribbiani," Chandler said.

"I thought our friendship was worth more than money. I mean, if I had that kind of money, I would have spent it on you...because we're friends and brothers," Joey said.

"I hate it when you do that," Chandler said.

"'Cause it always works," Joey said.

"Fuck," Chandler muttered and the laughter continued. It was an evening that just seemed so perfect, so wonderfully drama-free. They relived old memories, brought up old stories and made new ones. It was simply the perfect evening.

When the evening was over, Rachel had thought of asking Ross to spend the night at his place but decided not to. She would sleep in her old bedroom and Lauren would sleep in her room. Rachel lay in the now guest room of Monica and Chandler's apartment. She couldn't sleep. This was where it had all begun. She had run away and ended up here with nothing. Her life had been built here and what a wonderful life it had become. She was suddenly startled though by Chandler screaming her name. She got up and ran into Monica and Chandler's room.

"What? What happened?" Rachel asked.

"Monica said I was right about something," Chandler said, practically beaming.

"Nooooo," Rachel said walking towards the bed and sitting by them as she took in the vibe. They were fine.

"I know," Chandler said.

"I want a divorce," Monica said.

"About what?" Rachel asked, "What were you right about?"

"I said that if Mon stopped meddling and let things happen, they would end up the way they were supposed to go. Lizzie and Joey, example number one," Chandler said.

"They are cute together," Rachel asked and the really were. She had noticed it too. Everyone was officially with or paired with who they were supposed to be paired with.

"Yeah, they were super cute when I was catering that party and she was cheating on you with Joey apparently while you and Lizzie were still dating," Monica tried.

"That was 1989. Fifteen years ago. Fortunately for you, I'm over it," Chandler said.

"Ehhh," Monica said.

"Well, I can't believe you two are going to be parents," Rachel said.

"Thanks to Chandler," Monica said, grabbing his hand.

"Mon," Chandler said.

"What?" Rachel asked, confused.

"I'm going tell her anyway….but when we went to Ohio, there was a mistake with our occupations and I was listed as being a priest and Chandler was listed as surgeon."

"That's terrifying," Rachel said.

"I could be a surgeon," Chandler said.

"No. No. Just no," Rachel said.

"Wait, but...yeah there was a mistake and I went with it. I lied and pretended we were those people. A surgeon and a priest."

"Monica," Rachel said.

"Chandler told her the truth and Erica wasn't going to give us her kid but then Chandler talked to her and she changed her mind. I'm gonna be a mom because of Chandler," Monica said. Rachel looked at Chandler.

"What did you say?" Rachel asked.

"Stuff. I mean, you know as well as I do….Monica was put on this Earth to be a mother so...yeah," Chandler said.

Monica gave him a kiss on the cheek. That was unbelievable to Rachel, Chandler had come through. He had changed so much since that first meeting at camp. She had hated him, hated his smugness, his sense of entitlement, every part of him. He had completely turned his life around and now he had done this. Rachel knew what a child meant for her friend and Chandler had done this for Monica.

"I'm amazed by you. I really am, Chandler," Rachel said.

"Me too," Monica said.

"Thank you and hey, Rach….what you've done is pretty impressive as well because honestly, you were not a nice person," Chandler grinned.

"Thanks," Rachel said, pretending to be upset. "By the way...I think I'm gonna talk to Ross."

"About what?" Monica asked.

"Everything. I was thinking about you two and Phoebe and Mike and now, Lizzie and Joey and….and I mean, Ross and I? We've been married, divorced, have a kid, we've tried living together but no matter how many times we try to get away from each other, we always end up back together. I want to try. I really do. I want to figure this out. I want to figure out how to be with Ross."

"I love that," Monica said.

"And Monica will not try to help that along," Chandler said.

"See, this is why I don't like to tell you when you're right," Monica said. Rachel laughed as she looked around Monica's room.

"You're gonna be an amazing mom. I was just thinking….nine years ago I ran away….and just thank you, Mon. Nothing that has happened to me in the last nine years would have happened if it wasn't for you," Rachel said.

"I second that. I'd still be drunk somewhere," Chandler said.

"Awww, you guys. I love both," Monica said as the three hugged. Rachel got up and walked back into her old room and lay back down. That first night, she had been so frightened but it had been right. She had been home.

The next day, while the boys were at the Knicks game, Lizzie, Monica, Phoebe and Rachel went out for drinks and brunch. Lizzie's daughter was at a friends and Emma's was at Rachel's mom's and the four women sat, sipping mimosas and sharing each other's lives.

"Chandler apologized to me this morning," Lizzie said.

"He told me he was going to do that. He felt like he had been awful to you," Monica said.

"I'm so happy he's okay. I really am," Lizzie said.

"We all are," Monica said.

"And Rachel, I can't believe you and Chandler are now friends," Lizzie said. "How did you make that change?"

"We realized we had a lot more in common than we realized. He's really one of my favorite people," Rachel said.

"And you and Joey?" Monica asked.

"We talked a lot last night. It might lead to something. It would be nice to get to know him and he loves you guys. He talked about all of you….a lot. Although, he does seem like maybe...well...a bit of player," Lizzie said.

"He is but he's sweet," Phoebe said.

"We've all seen him naked," Rachel said.

"It's been a treat," Monica said.

"I like him, though...I liked him when I first met him in that acting class. I didn't say anything about Chandler. I said that I had a friend that was out of the country for the summer and I was just so drained...you guys probably understand, at that time, Chandler didn't even think he had a problem," Lizzie said.

"He thought we were the problem," Monica said.

"Exactly and I was tired. It was practically every single night. I would study and then alternate between making sure he stayed alive and studying and Ross would help, but...I was just tired and when I met Joey, it was easy and nice and...I felt free. It just happened," Lizzie said. "I got my daughter out of it. I tried calling him but he never called back and I dumped Chandler. It wasn't a healthy relationship. How did you change him?"

"I don't let him get away with crap. I also think he was ready. 'Cause we went through it with him two more times and that final time, I think he got really scared and thought we were all just going to leave and I think that just kicked him," Monica said. "But he did love you though."

"I know. Joey said that I'm the 'oh crap' girl. Chandler told me he loved me and I said 'oh crap,'" Lizzie grinned.

"He had bad timing," Rachel said.

"I agree and Rachel, you and Ross?" Lizzie asked. "Can I ask if we're being completely honest. Chandler wouldn't tell me anything. I asked this morning."

"They're each other's lobsters but they're really stupid lobsters who don't realize they're lobsters," Phoebe said.

"Actually, I am realizing it. He's my lobster and we have to make it work. There's no reason we can't. I can't imagine what my life….I don't even remember my life without Ross in it. Mon, even when we weren't talking, Ross and I would run into each other. He paid to fix Chandler's car. Did he ever tell you what I did?"

"No, but Chandler did," Monica said.

"What did you do to Sally?" Phoebe asked.

"One Thanksgiving, I came back to the Gellers with Barry who was a guy I used to date, and a bunch of other people, covered his car with booze and pills and slashed his tires and Ross got it all taken care of before Chandler could find out. It was Thanksgiving that his toe got cut off….and Mon, remember when you had fainted in college? I went to the hospital and Ross saw me and I left…I also ran into him right before my wedding to Barry. He told me that I was welcome to come to the city and….I don't know my life without Ross Geller and I don't think I want to, you know. I've dated a lot of guys. I even dated Joey for a week but none of them have pissed me off as much as your brother and I haven't loved anyone more," Rachel said. Monica reached over and hugged her.

"You dated Joey?" Lizzie asked.

"We just like to pretend it didn't happen. He was Friends-with-Benefits with Pheebs," Rachel said.

"I still think you were Friends-with-Benefits with Chandler when you first moved in," Monica said.

"I wasn't. I know you like to think that, but we never had sex. We made out a lot and got kinda close a couple times but we were drunk and we never did because he thought that if we did have sex, it would screw things up with you," Phoebe said.

"Really?" Monica asked.

"Yes. My goodness, I am getting very tired of being the one who points out everyone's lobster. I'm getting married, leave me the hell alone," Phoebe said.

"Mike is your lobster," Rachel said.

"He is. He knows everything and he's still there. It's just….it's amazing. He's rich. I mean, granted he isn't using his money at the moment but I went from nothing. Literally. I was living on the street. Now, I'm getting married and I'm gonna have a family. I'm gonna be normal," Phoebe said, beaming.

"You know….we have good boys. We did good with those four. Ross, Joey, Mike, Chandler….really good. They all have issues. They've all driven us very close to killing them while they slept but man, we struck gold with those four," Rachel said.

"Here, here," Monica said as the four women clicked their mimosa glasses together and drank. The conversations continued and everything was put into the open. The group of six was now indeed turning into a group of eight: four couples.


	59. Chapter 59

**2004 Finale Part 1  
**The last time Monica and Rachel had sat together in a pantry, they had been thirteen almost fourteen. Monica was a lot heavier then and there wasn't a lot of room for both of them. They ate Twinkies and gossiped about school. Twenty years later, they were sitting in a pantry eating Twinkies and gossiping again but this time they were in the house that Monica and Chandler had recently bought in Westchester. Rachel had been reluctant to visit, she didn't want to think about Monica or Chandler moving, but after seeing it, after touring it, she loved it and when Monica pulled out the box of Twinkies, she was even happier as they sat together in the now empty pantry with Chandler and Ross looking around the rest of the house.

"I can't believe we're doing this," Rachel said, taking a bite.

"Of course. I knew we'd have to do this."

"I can't believe you're moving. I mean, you're leaving. I mean….oh no, Ellie and Laurie are living really close to you," Rachel said, referring to Monica's high school friends who were now living within walking distance of Monica and Chandler.

"Oh, honey, I will never eat Twinkies with anyone else except you and Phoebe. But these pantry moments, they're ours."

"G-d, so many amazing moments. I loved those moments. I loved sitting there talking to you and….it's what I've always told you, you're the only kind of friend that matters and I will miss you so much and I don't want you to leave. Mon, I wasn't joking when I said that everything that has happened to me, everything amazing that has happened has happened because you didn't turn me away that day. You said I could live with you even though I didn't invite you to my wedding."

"Well, you ran out on it so I doubt I would've had a good time anyway."

"True. You didn't have to spend money on gifts or an outfit. Thank you, Mon."

"I had to take you in, Rach," Monica said.

"No, you didn't."

"Yes, I did. You've always been like a sister to me and yeah, I was pissed at you but you needed me. You looked so sad that day in your wedding dress and you couldn't stop crying and I knew you had done something so brave, something you never thought you could do….you became you. I am so proud of you."

"I'm proud of you even though I don't want you leaving," Rachel said as tears filled her eyes. She and Monica leaned in and hugged tightly just as the pantry door flew open and Ross and Chandler stood there staring at them.

"You know, it's moments like these when I wish Joey was with me. He'd have the perfect inappropriate comment," Chandler said.

"You can tell me," Ross said.

"No, I really can't," Chandler said.

"Boys, go away. You're not allowed in here," Rachel said.

"No, we're coming in. You kept me out of these sessions for years. Let's go in," Ross said as he and Chandler walked into the pantry. Chandler squeezing in near Monica and Ross squeezing in near Rachel. There wasn't enough room for all four of them, but she felt strangely comfortable.

"Why the pantry?" Chandler asked.

"It's where the snacks are," Monica said.

"Yeah, we weren't super rich. We didn't have a movie theater in our homes to escape to like some people," Rachel said.

"I loved that theater. Mon said I could have a man cave, I'm so excited," Chandler said.

"You did?" Rachel asked.

"I figured I'll give him one room for his crap and I get the rest of the house," Monica said.

"You are so maturing," Rachel said.

"I know it, right?" Monica said.

"You know that isn't fully compromising, right?" Chandler asked.

"Yes it is, shut up," Monica said.

"I can't believe you two aren't going to be next door," Ross said.

"Why don't you take the place? It's still in Nana's name," Monica said.

"No, I can't. I wouldn't feel right. It's yours," Ross said.

"Oh wait….Chandler, our lunches? Are those going to end?" Rachel asked.

"No, I'm commuting. They're not ending," Chandler said.

"Good," Rachel said. "But still...I don't want you guys leaving."

"Well, if you and Ross get married and you run out on that wedding, you can totally come live with us," Chandler offered.

"Awww, thank you," Rachel said.

"If we get married, you're not running out," Ross said.

"You know I enjoy jogging in pretty clothes," Rachel said, grinning. Ross laughed as he placed an arm around Rachel. She liked that, it felt nice his arm around her. She looked at him and then back at Monica who was looking at her, as well.

She was thinking a lot about marriage lately. If she were to get married to Ross, what that would be like? Maybe she could design her own wedding dress? Maybe she could design Monica and Phoebe's bridesmaid dresses? The idea of a marriage to Ross was starting to feel even more likely.

Phoebe's wedding was next though. The three women stood in Central Perk with Chandler waiting to walk Phoebe down the aisle. Phoebe had told her she was going to ask Chandler to walk her which Rachel found so sweet and wonderful. Phoebe was getting married to Mike outside in the snow and she looked stunning.

"This is it," Phoebe said, looking at the two of them. Chandler kept watching them and soon stepped away from them, giving them their moment.

"You look so beautiful," Rachel said.

"I love you both so much. Monica, you saved me. You gave me a place to live and I will never be able to repay you for that and Rach, you've become my sister. I hated you when I first met you….but now I can't imagine my life without you. You're both my sisters and no matter what happens, no matter what happens next, we're together, connected….always," Phoebe said.

"I love you too," Rachel said.

"You got normal," Monica said.

"Yeah. Normal. I finally get normal. It's good...oh, it's so good. Thank you for being my sisters. My family," Phoebe said.

"Always," Monica said as the three hugged again, each trying not to cry.

"You guys ready?" Ross asked, walking into Central Perk. The women stopped hugging and stepped away from each other.

"Yeah, wait," Phoebe said as she took off her long jacket revealing a long, lavender gown. She threw her jacket onto the counter.

"Wow," Chandler said.

"You're gonna freeze," Monica said.

"I don't care, I'm getting normal and besides, I'll just be my something blue," Phoebe said. "One more hug?"

"Yes. Oh, you look gorgeous," Rachel said as the three hugged again. Mike's brother walked into Central Perk to let them know the ceremony was indeed starting. Ross walked towards Rachel and Monica walked towards Mike's brother, but not before squeezing Chandler's arm and giving him a kiss. Rachel let out a sigh as she looked at the entrance to Central Perk.

"You okay?" Ross asked.

"Our first kiss was in that doorway. Everything changed after that kiss," Rachel said.

"One of my favorite moments," Ross said as he held out his arm and Rachel linked her arm in his. They walked towards the door with Monica and Mike's brother in front of them and Phoebe and Chandler behind them.

"You know what I realized," Chandler said.

"What?" Phoebe asked.

"Ross and Rachel have walked down the aisle together how many times now?" Chandler asked. Rachel turned around and gave Chandler a look.

"This will be their third time. The drunk marriage in Vegas, your wedding and now….this will be their third. Hmmm, so when do you think they'll do it again?" Phoebe asked. Rachel let out a snort and shook her head. She looked up at Ross who seemed to be laughing as well.

"I don't know, Pheebs but you and I will sing a song. What should we sing?" Chandler asked.

"You Drive Me Crazy by Britney Spears," Phoebe said.

"Oooo, can I do the dancing?" Chandler asked.

"Duh, you're gonna have to. I'm gonna be playing the guitar," Phoebe said.

"I'm really glad you two are back to being friends," Rachel said.

"We're making fun of you two, that's our bond," Phoebe said.

"Yeah, don't mess that up, Green," Chandler said.

Rachel laughed as she looked at Ross who was also enjoying their banter. She turned and watched as Monica and Mike's brother stepped outside into the cold and began to walk towards the altar where Mike was waiting and Joey was getting ready to officiate. It was freezing outside as there was a blizzard in New York but it didn't quite matter It ended up being the perfect night for a wedding.

"It's our turn," Ross said as they walked outside. Rachel took a sharp breath feeling the cold across her face.

"When will it be our turn?" Rachel asked as they walked. "Phoebe is right. Third time."

Ross look at her, "are you….wait, really?"

"I haven't given up on us yet, have you?"

"No. But can we have our wedding in warmer weather….and inside?" Ross asked.

"Oh G-d yes," Rachel said as they reached the front and separated. Rachel stood next to Monica.

"So when am I going to see you and my brother get married?" Monica asked, whispering. "'Cause I planned that one a long time ago."

"That's not creepy," Rachel teased.

"What?" Monica asked.

"Phoebe's my Maid of Honor, remember the plan? I was yours, you're Phoebe's and Phoebe will be mine."

"I'll be the Matron of Honor," Monica said, "we'll be a team."

"Yeah, there's no way that won't end badly," Rachel said. Monica laughed as they watched Chandler walk Phoebe down the aisle. He was beaming while he looked at her, unable to even take his eyes off Phoebe. She had not been there in the beginning but she had since heard the stories. Phoebe and Chandler were practically glued at the hip during those first few months she lived with Monica. They did everything together and leaned on each other. Of course Chandler would give her away.

"It makes sense," Rachel whispered.

"What does?" Monica asked.

"Him walking her down the aisle. She looks so beautiful."

"I know."

"And they've both been through so much."

"Yeah, that I know….hmmm, would you have ever thought that you'd be a bridesmaid at the wedding of the girl that shoplifted from your store."

"No. Oh, yeah...odd."

"He's had that look before," Monica whispered, "when we saw Phoebe graduate from school."

"Sweet," Rachel said. She wished she had been there. She wished she had seen that. When Phoebe and Chandler reached the altar, Phoebe leaned in and whispered something in Chandler's ear. Chandler whispered back before looking at Mike, "take care of this one. She's special," he said.

"He will, right Mike," Joey said, glaring at Mike. Mike shook his head and looked at Chandler.

"I promise," Mike said as Phoebe stepped forward next to him.

"Congrats, buddy," Chandler said as he stepped back and walked towards one of the fold out chairs. Rachel started to cry. She looked at Ross who was staring at her. She felt Monica link her arm in Rachel's. Rachel smiled as she looked at Monica and back at Ross. She wanted them to be next. After the wedding, she grabbed that engagement ring from that box of memories under her bed. She placed it on her finger and imagined Ross proposing. She could imagine herself saying yes.

Of course, even the best plans take detours. She had wanted to talk to Ross, wanted to start again but then she was fired. She had wanted a new job and applied for a job at Gucci. It was easy enough and now she was a pro. She could ace interviews now and answer that stupid trend question with ease. But what she hadn't counted on was running into her boss from Ralph Lauren while on her interview with Gucci and those fears, those horrible interviewing fears rushed back and she bombed the interview with Gucci and got fired from Ralph Lauren.

"What the hell am I going to do?" Rachel asked over drinks with Chelsea, Emily and Laura Jean. They had taken her out to console her.

"You will get another job," Chelsea said.

"Where?" Rachel asked. "I bombed the job interview at Gucci. It was awful."

"Wait, I think I know of an opening," Emily said.

"Where?" Rachel asked.

"Louis Vutton. They have an opening for a creative director and it pays a hell of a lot," Emily said. "Like a hundred and ninety grand a year."

"Oh my G-d. I want that job. I need that job. I could do it."

"I'll get you an interview. My friend is a hiring manager there," Emily said.

"See, better things," Laura Jean smiled.

Louis Vutton would be perfect. It would be amazing. Absolutely a dream job and she eagerly went in for the interview and was thrilled when she was offered it. Everything about it seemed perfect. It was the right fit and she loved the people she would be working with. There was one problem. The job was in Paris. In order to take the job, she would have to move to another country.

She was a New Yorker, born and raised. She had visited Paris in college. She had loved it, even if she hadn't gotten to see fashion week. She could live in Paris. She could start over, she had done it ten years earlier but it was easier then. It was easier to leave Barry. Now, she had a daughter. She had Ross. She had friends she did not want to leave but then again, the friends were leaving.

Phoebe was possibly moving to Nashville with Mike to open a bar/lounge. Joey and Lizzie were headed to Los Angeles to audition for two separate television shows that if they got would most certainly mean they would be moving to Los Angeles. Chandler and Monica were moving to Westchester. It might end up that she and Ross would soon be the only ones left in the city. If she moved though, then Ross would be alone. He would be living in the city alone. She would have Emma, she would have to have Emma with her. That broke her heart. Leaving Ross alone without his daughter. Without her. She had no clue what path to choose and it seemed like no one was helping and by no one, she meant Monica.

"Girls, help me," Rachel stressed over lunch with Phoebe and Monica. Monica had spent so long making decisions for Rachel, saving her, perhaps she could do one more favor.

"Rachel...we can't make this decision for you," Monica said.

"Look...it's...okay, Monica...I love your stupid ass brother. I do. He is an amazing dad and he's handsome and kind and...good in bed," Rachel said.

"Too much information," Monica said.

"But he is also insanely jealous and he did cheat...we were on a break and...he gets so judgmental and...he's...the thing is, if I go to Paris...I'm giving up my friends, you guys and I'm giving up Ross and I'm leaving my family and I'm taking my child away from her father and...and Ross already rarely sees Ben. But if I stay...then my career...I have no career but I have Ross and my family and friends and...and if I stayed and Ross and I got back together, I don't want it to be like how it was with the fighting and the tension and all this stuff...and...I don't know," Rachel said.

"Well, you know I want you to stay. I want you both to stay...but this is up to you," Monica said.

"Monica, you love making decisions for me," Rachel said.

"I know, but um...I think...I think at almost thirty four, you're ready to make your own decisions," Monica said.

"No I'm not," Rachel said.

"Yeah...you both are. I mean, I look at both of you and I think my job is done. You two are both so amazing and...I did a great job," Monica grinned.

"Oh, Mon...your job is never over," Phoebe said.

"Yeah, how 'bout for old times sake, make this decision for me," Rachel said.

"No," Monica said.

"You suck," Rachel said which made Monica laugh. This whole thing was annoying. She wanted someone to make this decision, someone to tell her what to do. Anyone? She even turned to a couple designer friends of hers who had become her friends while working at Ralph Lauren but they made her even more confused. They had suggested her designing her own clothes and mentioned they would definitely sell their designs in her store if she had one. So that was a new option. A store? Paris? Ross? There were so many options and all she wanted to do was take a nap or have someone tell her what to do. Chandler was no help either.

"Tell me what to do," Rachel said as the two were walking together. They had finished one of their weekly lunches and were walking around by NYU.

"You have to make that decision, Rach," Chandler said.

"You and your wife suck. Seriously, especially your wife. She's not telling me what to do."

"Because she's going to be a mom and doesn't care anymore."

"I can't.. .well...I don't know...it's just...and if I move, I take Emma away from her father and-and I can't do that and...oh..." Rachel stopped suddenly, looking at a store that had a For Sale sign in front of it. She recalled the lunch with those designer friends. The wheels started to spin in her head. Could she? She walked in without saying a word to Chandler.

"Are we shopping?"

"They're selling this store?" Rachel asked.

"I guess," Chandler said.

"Yeah, we're moving. It's a great place but-" the saleslady said approaching them, having overheard the conversation.

"Yeah, it is," Rachel said. She had loved working at Olivia's. She loved fashion. It wasn't a hobby, it was her love. She loved designing her own clothes. Rachel Karen Green Designs. RKG. Maybe this was a sign. She had long secretly dreamt of showing at Fashion Week. She grabbed Chandler's arm and pulled him off to the side. "I'm insane."

"I've been telling you that since 1987. I'm glad you finally admit that."

"Shut up...when I was growing up, I really loved working in my aunt's store. I did, even after Phoebe stole clothes from there on my watch and...and I was having lunch with some designer friends of mine and they asked why I didn't open up a store or something and they said they'd sell their designs in my store if I had one. I've...I've made a lot of contacts over the years and everything about my adult life has been about taking these ridiculous risks. Running out on my wedding, completely abandoning my old life, my old friends, quitting my job as a waitress and working in fashion...having a child...every part of my relationship with Ross and I don't wanna...I know Ross is the guy I'm supposed to be with in the end but I..."

"I can help you," Chandler said, quietly.

"What?" Rachel asked, a little stunned.

"I'm a trust fund kid. The trust fund money is there to help...I can use the trust fund money for that?"

"Chandler...I already love you enough, you don't need to give me your money," Rachel said. "oh my G-d...who am I? What have I become?"

Chandler laughed as he took a deep breath, "let me."

"I don't know. I don't want it to affect our friendship."

"It won't."

"G-d...so you've used the trust fund money to help Phoebe with her education, help Joey with his career, help me do something insane...buy a home for you and Mon...wait, what is Ross getting?"

"You," Chandler said. "Look, Rach...you make the choice and if you do leave, I will be very sad but really...ultimately, it's up to you. I mean, yeah, I think you and Ross are completely ridiculous...but you always seem to come back together. I really can't solve this for you. You make this decision."

Rachel nodded as she looked around. She let out a deep breath, "I don't know. Wow...everything's changing. Joey's in a serious relationship, you and Mon are moving and a having kid...everything...Phoebe and Mike might be moving to Nashville."

"What?" Chandler asked, looking at her. Rachel bit her lip and looked at him.

"Um...you didn't know?"

"No."

"Well, they were thinking of going to Nashville and opening a bar like the Bluebird Cafe or any of those others. They both love music"

"She's going to move?"

"Maybe."

"Wow," Chandler said.

"Chandler."

"I'm fine. Everything's changing."

Rachel nodded and looked around the store. She could do this. She could make this her's. She could stay in New York and be with Ross. Starting over sounded painful. If she moved to France, she'd be running away from a life she loved, a life she had built for herself in New York. She did not want to imagine her life without Ross, without Monica, without Phoebe, without Chandler, without Joey.

Her mind was still reeling at dinner that night with Ross and Emma. They were eating at a diner that was child friendly as Emma was now nearing two. Ever since Rachel had gotten the news about Paris, she hadn't really talked to Ross about it. She had talked with everyone and was pretty sure Ross had done the same but talking to each other about it seemed painful. The idea of leaving him threw her.

"...he's taking the role," Ross said. Rachel shook her head, realizing she had not been listening to a word Ross had said.

"What?"

"Joey. He got the part in Seasons. He's moving to Los Angeles with Lizzie and Phoebe and Mike are moving to Nashville and the Bings are moving to Westchester…..and you're going to Paris?"

"I don't know."

"I can't come with you."

"What?" Rachel asked, a little shocked. Where had that come from?

"I thought about it. About picking up and moving to Paris with you but I can't abandon Ben but then again if I don't….I'm abandoning Emma and I don't want you to leave. That will be…."

"I understand. But you were thinking about moving to Paris?"

"Well, yeah. I mean….at first, I was thinking of trying to convince your boss at Ralph Lauren to hire you back but…..look, you always say that I only support you when you're struggling. Well now you got an amazing opportuniy and I thought that I would go with you. It might be kinda cool to teach paleontology in Paris. I even applied to a couple jobs. They have a really cool Gallery of Paleontology there….but then I thought about Ben and he's nine and….I can't leave Rachel. But you know, I have summers off and I can stay with you and Emma all summer and during breaks from school."

"Wow…..but Ross, what about us? The story of us? If I move… I can't say goodbye to you and if I move then does that officially end our story? Are we ready to do that because we haven't yet."

"I can't say goodbye to you either, Rach. I don't know my life without you."

She kept staring at him. She watched as he cut some fruit for Emma to eat. He was so loving with her. Emma was in a giggly mood, crumbling crackers in her hands and Ross was playing with her. To anyone walking by, they were simply a family. A family of three. Maybe one day, a family of four. She'd love to give Emma a brother or sister and she wanted Ross to be the dad. She wanted to finally fix them. She wanted love, she had always wanted love and Ross had always been there and she loved him. She loved being with him.

The next day, she made her decision. She turned down the job at Louis Vutton and then called Chandler. It felt right. It felt exactly right. She waited for him at the store and when he walked in, she approached him.

"I'm crazy, right?" Rachel asked.

"Yeah...but this-"

"I can't leave. I can't...I left my old life. I did that and it was the best decision I've ever made but if I leave Ross and Monica and you...it's different. You guys make my life. Saying goodbye to Joey and Phoebe and watching them leave, G-d, that'll be heart wrenching and I know that Joey leaving probably kills you but-"

"Wait, you're not staying because of me, are you?"

"No. No...I'm staying because...I'm where I'm supposed to be. I already left one life. Ten years ago and when I walked out of my wedding, out of my old life, I was terrified but I knew...I knew with every fiber of my being that I was doing the right thing and ten years ago, it was easier. I walked out of that world and into a world with the five greatest people I have ever known. Even you, Chandler...you have driven me crazy. There has been no one really that I have gone from intense hate to...love and now...now, I have a daughter. I want my daughter to know her cousin and...her uncle Chandler and aunt Monica and-and I have...a Ross. I love Ross. Oh, I love him and I don't know if it'll be different now. It better be...but I can't get on that plane. I can't leave. I can't take his daughter away from him. I can't take me away from him," Rachel said, her eyes filling with tears as she stared at him. Chandler reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet. He opened it and handed her the check. She stared at it and back at him.

"Congratulations, Rachel. You're a business owner."

"I am," Rachel said as Chandler walked towards her. The two hugged, Chandler holding her tightly as he gently kissed her on the head. "Thank you, Chandler."

"You're welcome. Hey...you did this. I'm proud of you."

"I'm proud of you too. So proud...hmm, yeah, we totally should've been better friends at camp."

"Oh, yeah," Chandler said as Rachel took a deep breath and stepped away from him. "But Rach, can I ask you something?"

"Anything what?"

"Don't tell anyone I gave you the money."

"We all know you're a trust fund kid."

"I know, it's just...don't tell. Please. I...I...wanna keep this private."

"What about Monica? Isn't she listed on your trust now?"

"I'll tell her...later. Just..."

"Okay. Wow. Wow," Rachel said.

She looked around the store again. She felt excited, reborn almost. This was it. It would be it and she knew exactly what she needed to do. She told Chandler to not say a word either. She would call Ross and tell him to get everyone to meet at the store, the store that was now….hers.

When the group arrived to see her and Emma in the store, she shot Chandler a look before getting up and looking at them.

"I may have just lost my mind," Rachel said.

"Why?" Ross asked.

"Phoebe and Mike inspired me and-and I was eating lunch with a couple of friends of mine who are designers and they said that if I ever had a store they would sell their designs in my store and...and I thought about that and one of the things I was super good at when I worked at Bloomingdales and even at Ralph Lauren, was cultivating friendships with designers and I'm still friends with those designers and...and I'm insane, I am...but I can't-" Rachel said.

"What are you saying, Rach?" Monica asked. Rachel shot Chandler a look, he grinned. She was going to keep his secret.

"I bought a store...this store. I talked to my parents and they helped and I bought a store. I can't...Ross, I can't take Emma away from you and take her to a whole other country. You never see Ben and I know how much that kills you and I can't do that to you but..."

"Rachel...if it's what you want..." Ross said.

"And I want you, Ross," Rachel said. "Ross, I want us to be together. I can't go and leave...but I can't stay if things are going to be the way they were before. No. You can't get insanely jealous if I work late or if I have to travel. I want this to be right...I wanna take this risk...if Phoebe and Mike are taking a risk, then I will too but-but this relationship needs to be a healthy one...no more craziness and no more...just no more-"

Ross walked over to her and immediately kissed her. She stared at Ross and smiled at him as she kissed him back. They kept kissing, holding onto one another and when they finally separated, Rachel noticed the rest of the group had left the store, leaving them alone.

"Rach-"

"And another thing," she reached into her pocket and pulled out the ring box, "I'm ready. When you ask, I will say yes. All you have to do is ask."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I want a family. I don't wanna start over again. I don't know my life without you in it and I don't want to know it. I don't want you with anyone else and our story should have a happy ending. We've earned it. Emma deserves it. I wanna have more kids with you and I have never been more sure of anything in my life. I want you."

"I want you too. It's always been you, Rach," He took the ring from her, put it in his pocket and kissed her. She picked up Emma and Ross grabbed her hand. They walked out the store and saw Monica and Chandler talking.

"Hey," Rachel said.

"It wasn't her parents that helped with the store, was it?" Ross asked, Chandler looked over at Rachel.

"I didn't tell him a thing," Rachel said, although wondering how Ross had figured it out.

"Thank you," Ross said as he and Chandler hugged.

"No, thank you," Chandler said, "and Rach, you sure this is what you want?"

"Yes, I wanna be with my family. I mean, I spent so much of my life wanting a family...wanting to be surrounded by people that loved me for my crazy self. People I can be myself around without judgment and I found it in you guys and I can't leave that. I wouldn't have asked for the money if I felt like I was being forced. I wanna do this. I may need help. Monica, I may need you to make lists."

"I will totally do that," Monica said.

"I know," Rachel said as she let go of Ross' hand and hugged Monica. The two women, crying as they held onto each other. Ross stepped towards Chandler.

"It's gonna be different now," Ross said.

"I know," Chandler said.

"Joey told me you're gonna be his best man whenever he and Liz get married," Ross said.

"Hmmm, yes," Chandler said. "Sorry."

"That's alright, it's how it should be."

Chandler nodded as Ross patted Chandler on the back. Monica, still holding Emma, began walking off with Rachel beside her. Chandler and Ross following closely behind.

That night, she slept in Ross' apartment with Ross. They fell asleep in each other's arms and Rachel knew immediately she had made the right decision. She was exactly where she was supposed to be.


	60. Chapter 60

Thank you all to those who have read and reviewed. I will probably do Ross' story next because it fits with Rachel's and because I did Chandler and Monica's back to back.

2004 Part 2: Finale

Her thirty fourth birthday was spent at Monica and Chandler's new house. Phoebe and Mike and Joey and Lizzie had decided not to leave until after Rachel's birthday. Rachel and Ross arrived by cab with two year old Emma and nine year old Ben in tow, after all this birthday would also include introducing Emma and Ben to their brand new cousins, Jack and Erica. There had been a mistake with the sonogram. Monica and Chandler's surrogate had thought she was only having one child but instead she was having twins. It seemed so bizarre to her now, their parties would now always involve kids. When the cab pulled up, Rachel took a deep breath. This was new home of her friends.

Approaching the front door, Ross wrapped his hand around the doorknob but Rachel immediately stopped him and looked at him.

"I think we have to knock now?" Rachel asked.

"We haven't done that in ten years," Ross said.

"I know," Rachel said as Ross not only knocked but rang the doorbell. He did even try turning the knob, but the door was indeed locked. When had that ever happened? Chandler opened the door, grinning at them while drinking a Red Bull.

"Hey," Chandler said, ushering them inside. Emma immediately reached for Chandler as they stepped inside.

"We knocked on your door, man," Ross said as he gave Chandler a hug.

"I know, I know," Chandler said.

"And rang your bell," Rachel said as Chandler leaned to give her a hug, Rachel hugged him and gave him a quick peck on the cheek as Emma wriggled in her arms, reaching for Chandler.

"Unca Channa," Emma said.

"Hey,niece," Chandler said, taking her from Rachel. "Ben, come on. I have something to show you. You're gonna find this awesome."

"What?" Ben asked.

"My man cave is ready," Chandler said.

"What's a man cave?" Ben asked.

"It's amazing. Joey and Mike are up there playing video games now," Chandler said.

"Wait, are Joey's favorite books up there?" Ross asked, giving Chandler a look.

"No, I hid those under the couch. I'm a dad now," Chandler said as they walked through the hallway and up the stairs. It had Monica's touches everywhere. It felt very grown up, very much like a family home. Chandler stopped at a bedroom decorated in different shades of pink and blue. Emma and Jack's names were painted on the walls and surrounding the two newborns were Phoebe, Lizzie, Lauren and Monica.

"Guess who knocked," Chandler said.

"I know. Apparently, we have to do that now," Monica said as she walked towards Rachel and Ross, hugging them and leading them toward the sleeping infants.

"They are so cute," Rachel said.

"Babies," Emma said, pointing.

"I know, you were once that small," Chandler said, looking at her.

"Can I go play?" Ben asked.

"I guess the moment is over," Chandler said, handing Emma back to Rachel as he, Ross and Ben walked out of the room towards Chandler's man cave.

"By the way, that room drives me nuts," Monica grumbled.

"You promised," Rachel said, reminding Monica of the promise she had made to Chandler to have the one room.

"I know. It's still ugly," Monica said.

Rachel laughed as she looked at the two sleeping newborns. They were adorable and small. So very small.

"They are so precious," Rachel said as the women kept staring at them and talking until Monica decided it was time for the birthday dinner. She had made Rachel a Mexican feast and the group gathered around the table. As the party continued, she felt a twinge of sadness as it dawned on her that this would probably be the last birthday they would all spend together as a group. Everyone would soon be moving on.

Later that night, while she and Ross were lying in bed she kept thinking about the party. She kept thinking about her and Ross. She looked over at him, they were doing well, really well. They had fallen into a routine. Getting up, going to work, coming home and being a family but she felt she needed a little more.

"Should we move?" Rachel asked, looking over at him.

"What?" Ross asked, putting his book down and looking at her.

"Well, I love this apartment. I do. But it's yours and pretty soon Monica and Chandler's apartment will be rented out and I don't wanna see who moves in. I don't wanna see the changes they make and I mean...Ben sleeps on the couch when he's here and Emma's getting bigger and….we're the only ones left here. I mean, I know I always said I wanted to stay in the city but...I can't….I don't wanna see what new people do to Monica and Chandler's apartment because it's going to be ugly."

"That's a given."

"We're the only ones left here and going to Central Perk and….they're all gonna be gone."

"Maybe we should move. Where you wanna move to?" Ross asked.

"I don't know but I want start fresh. Being here makes me miss them too much."

"Same here," Ross said as he picked up his book and began reading again. Rachel looked at him and reached towards her nightstand and grabbed a big white notebook that Monica had titled, "Rachel's Store". Monica had really gone all out with the notebook, organizing, budgeting, it was all so clearly planned and all so perfectly Monica. Monica had presented it to her as a birthday gift. She turned to the tab that said, "DESIGNERS". There were phone numbers that she had given Monica plus printouts of their designs. Rachel could imagine those designs hanging in her store. As flipped through the printouts, she stopped at one page that she hadn't noticed. Monica had written, "RKG Designs" and then underneath was the note, "Don't argue. It's your store, put your own damn designs in there. Who will say no? Love you." Rachel laughed and shook her head, of course, Monica would suggest that.

"What's funny?" Ross asked.

"Oh, Mon thinks I should my own designs in my store."

"Well, why wouldn't you?" Ross asked.

"'Cause no one will buy them," Rachel said.

"Why wouldn't they?"

"I'm not established. Look at the designers I have," Rachel said, running her finger down the list, "they're established and-"

"Okay….but then you become established too. Rach, you're the boss. Yes, Mon made the notebook but you're the boss. You can do whatever the hell you want," Ross said, "it's pretty exciting."

Rachel looked at him and back at her notebook. She was the boss. She could hire, fire, and do whatever she wanted. Maybe she could put her designs in there. It could be amazing and for as sad as she was feeling about the end, the new was starting to become more and more thrilling.

Six of One Boutique opened for business that August of 2004. She had gone back and forth with names before landing on Six of One. It reminded her of the original six, herself, Ross, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey. They were Six of One. Six parts that made one amazing whole group, it was a tribute to them and inside she has tried to honor each of them. For Mon, there were plates of cookies and snacks available for customers. For Phoebe, there was music playing. For Joey, there were televisions that were on mute but played movies. For Chandler, there were jokes in the dressing rooms and for Ross, there was a vintage bookshelf with books but, of course, because it was a store, books on fashion. For herself, well, she hung her designs as well as the designs of every friend she told Monica about.

Opening night was scary. There were tons of people which amazed her. Her old friends, Chelsea, Emily and Laura Jean had done an amazing job promoting. They had even set her up with a MySpace page so she could promote it. MySpace freaked her out though even though it worked.

"This is amazing," Ross said, standing by the cash register. He was in charge of ringing people up as she mingled.

"I can't believe how many people are here."

"It's a hot store," Ross said.

"I know. Oh, there's Chandler and Monica," Rachel said as she walked towards the door to see her two friends. They were both looking around, seemingly amazed as well.

"Hey, guy, you made it," Rachel said, approaching them.

"We wouldn't miss it," Monica said. "The place looks incredible."

"I followed your notebook," Rachel said.

"I wish I could have helped more, it's just the babies….I miss them already," Monica said.

"Oh, I know. Emma's at my mom's. I miss her too. It never stops," Rachel said.

"I want a tour," Chandler said.

"Come on," Rachel said as she pulled them both off and walked around the store. She stopped infront of one particular rack of clothes and looked back at both of them. "Look."

Chandler reached for a dress and held it up to himself, "I think I would lovely in this."

"Look at the label, jackass," Rachel said.

Monica grabbed the dress and looked at the label. She looked at Rachel, smiling, "RKG Designs?"

"Yes."

"You did your own designs."

"I did….oh, but I do have something for you Chandler, come here," Rachel said, motioning for them to follow her towards the cash register where Ross was ringing up someone else. When he was done he looked up at Monica and Chandler.

"Hey, can you grab the briefcase behind the counter," Rachel said.

"Will do," Ross said as he grabbed a metal suitcase and placed it on the counter. Chandler opened it and inside were rows of Red Bull.

"Nice," Chandler said.

"You need a drink," Rachel said as Chandler grabbed a Red Bull. "And you know, I'm not letting you touch the champagne."

"Although, now I'm worried you're addicted to Red Bull," Monica said.

"Don't worry….I am," Chandler said, taking a long gulp of Red Bull.

"By the way, you have MySpace," Monica said, shaking her head and looking at Rachel.

"I know. Phoebe has a page too for her and Mike's lounge. I'm in her Top Eight and she's in my Top Eight. Get a page so you can also be in my Top Eight. Apparently, that means something," Rachel said. "And I also ran my security through Pheebs. There are cameras and no one will be able to steal my shit."

"Good," Monica said. "Now, take a moment. This all yours."

"I know. I can't believe….oh G-d," Rachel said, looking around. It was her store and she was going to do all she could to make sure it was successful and she was happy Ross was finally being supportive. They still talked about moving, but hadn't done too much about it. New people moved into Monica and Chandler's old apartment but they didn't pay much attention. Summer turned to fall and Rachel was working as hard as ever but with Emma still little, she would take Emma with her to work or drop her off at a daycare that was right across the street. Her lunches with Chandler were still happening and when Joey bought Chandler a new Corvette, those lunches were even more fun because Chandler loved picking her up in the Corvette and she loved sitting in it.

It was now a crisp November and she was helping to organize a rack of clothes when Chelsea walked in, grinning from ear to ear.

"Hey, Green," Chelsea said, strolling towards her.

"Hey, Chels," Rachel said.

"Well, you're gonna hate me….and then you'll love me," Chelsea said.

"Why?" Rachel asked.

"Well, I had lunch with a friend of mine who happens to book designers for New York Fashion week."

"Okay?"

"What am I wearing?" Chelsea said, motioning to her outfit. For Chelsea's birthday a few weeks earlier, she had made her friend an outfit. A cranberry red top and brown pants.

"RKG. Looks so cute," Rachel said, "wait…."

"Yes, my friend complimented my outfit and I told her it was a Rachel Karen Green design and my friend wants to stop by to see if you want to show at New York Fashion Week."

"No, no, no….are you serious?" Rachel asked.

"Completely. Her name is Linda and she's on her way over here."

"No, I am not showing-no-no," Rachel said.

"You're good and Six of One has only been open for two months and look how well it's done and the publicity would be amazing," Chelsea said.

"I have no experience."

"Yes you do."

"Chelsea?"

Rachel looked towards the woman saying Chelsea's name. She was tall and brunette. Chelsea hugged her and introduced Rachel to the woman whom Rachel learned was named, Linda.

"It's wonderful to meet you, Linda but I am not designer," Rachel said.

"Did you design her outfit?" Linda asked.

"Well, yes but-"

"And she designed that entire rack of clothes over there," Chelsea said, walking towards a rack of clothes off to the side. Both Linda and Rachel followed her, Rachel was mortified. She wanted to just crawl somewhere and die. Somewhere.

"These are really nice," Linda said.

"I-thank you, but it's just a hobby and-"

"That's her favorite line. Get over it, it's not a hobby," Chelsea said.

"I like these. Rachel. For Fashion Week, I want to put together a show of unknown designers….people who consider it a hobby," Linda smiled. Rachel let out a snort and shook her head.

"I don't consider it a hobby….but didn't fashion week happen last month?"

"Yes, but preparations start now. This isn't my only job. I also work at BCBG. I'm a CEO of Merchandising. I've been working there for thirteen years," Linda said.

"My very first job interview was at BCBG. I was referred to them and I was still in college. It did not go very well."

"Oh my G-d," Linda said, suddenly, cocking her head to the side and looking at her. "I was the person that interviewed you."

"What?" Rachel asked.

"I remember you. I never forgot you. You were terrified and your font was big and your drawings….your designs-"

"I threw them out after the interview."

"I know. I saw them in the trashcan and took them out. I have them," Linda said.

"You do?" Rachel asked.

"Yes."

"Can I have them back?" Rachel asked.

"Yes," Linda said, laughing, "will you show?"

"Yeah. Oh my G-d," Rachel said. She needed to call someone. She needed to call Ross. Everything was just whirling and crazy around her. This was happening. It was truly happening.

That weekend, Ross decided they needed to celebrate her big news. He wouldn't tell her anything about where they were going. Just that it was just them and Emma. He had rented a car and drove them out the Wheatley, New York. It was in Suffolk County and about an hour between Westchester and Manhattan. He drove up to an empty home that looked quite homey and pretty.

"Alright, we're here," Ross said.

"Here?"

"It's a little far from work for both of us but we can make it work. I haven't signed anything and we can't afford Westchester but….and I know you love the city buy…"

"A home?"

"Yeah. You wanna see it?"

Rachel nodded as she got out of the car and stared at the the two story home with a white picket fence on Conklin Avenue. Ross appeared next to her, holding Emma. Inside, there was a large kitchen with marble counters. A living room and upstairs were several bedrooms. Big bedrooms.

"Emma this could be your room," Ross said as they walked into one of the rooms.

"Me room?" Emma asked.

"Yep. We can paint it and make it yours. So Rach?"

"Wow," Rachel said as she walked towards a window stared out onto the street with the perfectly manicured lawns. "Didn't we leave this world?"

"We did but I think we should come back. Manhattan will always be there and we'll both commute but….."

"The only thing keeping us in Manhattan are our jobs."

"Yeah."

Rachel walked towards Emma and took her from Ross. She held her daughter close to her and walked around the room. She could imagine home although this new home was twenty minutes away from Long Island. She had tried to escape but maybe she had outgrown the city. Their friends had moved and now they had just each other and hopefully new friends. Ross walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her waist, kissing her neck.

"So?" Ross asked.

"Yeah. Yes. Let's do it, Let's move to suburbia," Rachel said.

"And one last thing," Ross said reaching into his pocket and pulling out the ring box. "You and me. We're starting a home. Right? A family. Will you be my wife and this will be the last time I will ever ask this question."

Rachel laughed as she nodded. Ross slipped the ring on her finger and they shared another kiss. Sure, it wasn't the super romantic proposal that maybe was in the original plan but for them, it didn't seem like it needed to be. They had been through so much, so many tears, so many fights, so much laughter and fun that this just seemed to be the way it would end. They had finally fixed them and by Thanksgiving of that year, not only had they fixed their relationship, they were also expecting again. Thanksgiving was different this time, surrounded by babies and news of impending pregnancies. Phoebe was three months pregnant, Monica was pregnant and the three women were thrilled discussing how their kids would be best friends. Joey and Lizzie were now engaged and weddings were also discussed. Everything felt different, but good and wonderful different.

That May of 2005, Phoebe gave birth to a baby boy whom she and Mike named, Jacob and that July, Rachel and Monica gave birth within weeks of each other. Monica had a little girl named, Sophia Grace and Rachel had a boy whom she named Brian. Rachel and Ross set up their new home in Wheatley and now had a room for Emma and a room for Brian. Ben would sleep in Brian's room when he visited.

That September came more changes, another opportunity which was New York Fashion Week. In a year that had met with so many changes, this was everything. Joey, Lizzie, Phoebe and Mike came out. They brought their son. Ross had rented a hotel room nearby for their nanny, Molly, to watch Emma and Brian, Jacob, Erica, Jack, and Sophia. Lauren who was now sixteen wanted to attend the show. Rachel had designed outfits once again inspired by her favorite five. It had been so long since the six of them sat in a coffee house and drank coffee and ever since they had said goodbye to each other, everything had changed in their lives. They were now families. Families with children and Rachel was a fashion designer. Standing on the runway, getting ready to start her show, she stared at the faces of those people who had meant so much to her. The friends that reinvented her. They were the reason for this show.

"This show, much like my store Six of One, is dedicated to five of the most wonderful people who have made laugh, cry, scream and love more than anyone else. Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, Joey, and Ross…..I love you guys more than you will ever know and even though we are all in the next stage of our lives, we will forever be connected and this collection is inspired by them. We are six pieces of one whole and there is nothing more powerful than the six of us...and this is also dedicated to the first person to tell me that this was more than a hobby. Brian, where ever you….this is for you, buddy."

She stepped back and walked off the stage, watching the models walk down the runway in her creations. She could feel herself starting to cry. It was all so wonderful. So amazingly wonderful, when she had run out on her wedding 1994, he had never dreamed her life would come to this and it was all because of those five. After the show, she was surrounded. Monica, Phoebe and Lizzie hugging her. Ross telling her she was proud and it was all in her perfect happy ending….almost.

Her true happy ending came in June of 2006. She was getting married. She and Ross were finally getting married. They had begun their life in Wheatley and it was now home. They had friends there and her store was going well. She was thinking of opening one in Wheatley. As she sat, fixing her hair, there was a knock on the door. She got up and walked towards the door, leaning towards it.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's me. Can I come in?" Ross asked.

"It's bad luck to see me before our wedding."

"Rach, it's us. If we haven't destroyed us by now….we're indestructible. Even when we're on a break," Ross said.

Rachel opened the door and glared at him, "seriously, Geller."

"What? You're still here," Ross said.

"Yeah, I was thinking of running out but I'm not in the mood."

"You look amazing."

"So do you. This is it Ross."

"We are not divorcing."

"I know. I can't believe we made it."

"I know….oh, I have a present. Our honeymoon," Ross said, handing her an envelope. She opened it and looked, soon beaming.

"Paris? Our honeymoon will be in Paris?" Rachel asked.

"During Paris Fashion Week. I got us tickets. I pulled some strings."

"Oh my G-d. Oh, Ross. I love you."

"I love you too," Ross said as they kissed and soon Ross left. She was soon joined by Phoebe, Monica and Lizzie. It was her day, finally and this time it was different. It felt right.

Phoebe, Monica, Lizzie, Chelsea, Emily, Laura Jean, Jill, and Amy were her bridesmaids. Monica and Phoebe shared maid-of-honor duties and she figured she had to have Jill and Amy in her bridal party because they were her sisters. Ben, Mike, Chandler, and Joey were ushers, each with two bridesmaids on their arm. Emma, who was now four, and Erica, who was now two, were flower girls. Lauren walked behind them to make sure they made it down the aisle. Jack was the ring bearer and Ben rushed to pick him up during the ceremony. Sophia Grace, Brian, and Jacob were there as well. While they were still too little to be in the wedding, they sat in their carriers with the Geller parents and when Rachel met Ross at the altar, she could not stop staring at him. They had truly made it. Every fight, every breakup, every angry word melted away because they were exactly where they were supposed to be. Twelve years ago, she was scared. She raced from Long Island to Manhattan, escaping but now she was a mother, a businesswoman, a fashion designer and a wife. In 1994, she had no idea if the risk would pay odd and it most certainly had and it ended in the most glorious way, with her lobster.


End file.
